Winds a-whispering such alluring tunes over the sashaying hips of the golden dunes; A devil tempts to caress sweet flesh, to find soft lips to taste afresh.
The valleys first open to be explored, the enchantment, too strong to be ignored; A hopeless daydream, a critical situation must be forgotten, not lost to temptation.
There, within, lies the road to destruction; the unthinking mind, the unfeeling instruction. Look beyond this beauty, stunning, unreal; around each corner lies further appeal.
The holy grail is beyond where the fishes swim, the welcoming waves beckon to dive within; Surrounding forest and earth, both lightly scented, this story, oft-repeated, that has been invented.
Tired and my muscles aching, the ones I barely use until I worked them out yesterday. Just 7 minutes and I’m in pain. I’m weak, I know, but I’ll give it a go. I remember all the talk about working out and taking care of your body during my years of abusing it instead. Is it too late to fix it? Well, who cares. I can’t go back so I’ll do what I can now. My aches are good aches. I know my pain, mental or physical, is good even if it sucks.
Today I’m grateful for:
The grass cutter we bought when we got here that annoys the fuck out of me as it is difficult to use, feels like it’s falling apart, hurts my hands with its violent vibrations, gives me blisters and the engine burns my skin. But I’m still grateful for it to be able to do a little bit of cutting whilst waiting for the gardeners to come and do the job properly.
The best thing about today was:
Having a burst of energy that saw me wash Amy’s doona which smelt of cat spray again. Vacuuming and cleaning parts of the floor. Do some grass-cutting and apply the tape to the guttering in the garage again as it failed to stop the leaks in this week’s rain. I like the feeling of this energy and hope it keeps perpetuating.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I almost lost my temper with the grass cutter and the body strap that supports it. In fact, I did at one point, throwing the cutter to the ground whilst it was still spinning. I think it needs a proper service and repair just to tighten things up. I use it so rarely that I forget to take it for repair and just get frustrated again when I use it! It probably needs a new blade too as I don’t have anything to sharpen it with.
Something I learned today?
I watched a video that asked the question ‘Why make music when no one cares?’ For me and the legion who grew up on DIY punk, this question never needed to be asked and I find it ironic that it is a common question amongst modern music makers. I don’t think a self-respecting artist would make their art for any other reason than to please themselves. You are the only person that needs to care. If you are doing it for any other reason it is no longer art but just a product.
What challenges am I facing right now?
Health is my main challenge. It’s not something that I consider a major challenge like trying to ace an exam, move to a new country or such like, but more a fight against the ageing process. It is also a challenge that is just a regular fact of life. Any challenges are really self-imposed. For example, I want to improve my Thai and get better at guitar but they are not really game-changers if they fall by the way. I also challenge myself to improve in the classroom and sharing knowledge with my students.
Things like cancer, deep depression or debilitating grief would be real challenges and I’m not facing anything like that.
I took this picture because I saw this plant stem literally looking at me as I walked to the door of Utopia. Even looking at it now is kinda creepy and cool. Reminds me of the movie Labyrinth which I loved to watch whilst tripping in my 20s.
I have a window to the world If you wish to bother me Ask me for a prayer And I’ll give it to you for free Otherwise, I’ll be here by myself Just my thoughts and me Freedom is in my mind I consider myself to be free
Today I’m feeling:
Tired with headaches and irritated sinuses and eyes, sometimes short of breath.
Today I’m grateful for:
Having gone shopping a couple of days ago and having food to cook in the fridge. I’d thought about getting food outside but really didn’t want to go out again.
The best thing about today was:
When I got home from morning coffee I put on Blondie’s Plastic Letters and blasted it loud as I hung out washing, cleaned up all the cat spray around and then vacuumed everywhere. It’s a great album, my favourite era Blondie.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
With low visibility due to the smoke, I couldn’t help thinking poorly about the situation. I understand I have no control over it but it seems unfair to be subjected to it.
However, I talked myself around by thinking about all the positives of being here, particularly after Amy sent me a picture from a restaurant of her small plate of pasta which looked like something I made (ie. not aesthetically pleasing) and cost her 27 dollars! Unbelievable!
Whilst looking at AQI data I saw that Chiang Mai was the number 1 worst place in the world at over 300 and Sydney was about 98th worst with just 4! I’d pay 27 dollars for clear sky right now.
Something I learned today?
After deleting my poker app because it was just taking up too much time I still watch some videos of games and came across a cheating scandal yesterday and I’ve been hooked on the story since watching lots of videos of interviews and opinions. The poker world is a bit of a crazy place.
What is something that I have been putting off and why?
Yesterday I put off updating this journal because I was engrossed in watching a TV show and when I sat down to write it was past midnight and the question prompt had already, appropriately, changed to this one.
Yesterday’s prompt was ‘What experience do I need to write about’ and my answer, as detailed in this blog, is all of them.
Am I reliving my life because I am no longer living? I like to set myself ridiculous challenges so here I am.
Art took this picture because about once a month I’m his promotion model.
*The era of degenerate freedom is over We must retrieve the dignity of our race* There’s something bigger than all of us That will teach us exactly our place
Our distrust for each other destroys us And easily manipulated by bad actors Always a third party invites themselves Divided we fell when they attacked us
There’s no alien or god to be blamed Only for ourselves to be ashamed
*Text from, and poem inspired by, Death’s End by Liu Cixin
Today I’m feeling:
Contented, sleepy and positive.
Today I’m grateful for:
My tattooist who gave me a 500 baht discount today. I guess I should probably know her name. I’ll ask next time. Cos there will be a next time!
The best thing about today was:
Getting a new tattoo. Whilst I was in the chair I was closing my eyes and savouring the tickle of the needle and later with the colouring, the pain. I was thinking that as with most things, the anticipation and the journey to the goal are often better than the finish or the result.
Now I have this tattoo I will enjoy it of course but I’m already thinking about what might come next. I haven’t done much else today really!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I arrived at Kanom Tattoo Studio about 20 minutes early for my ten o’clock appointment as the girls prepared the room equipment and artwork. It felt like not long after and I was in the chair getting the outline work done.
I’d lost track of time as I closed my eyes and sent myself off on different tangents of thought until my butt got uncomfortable and I would adjust my position whilst trying to keep my right arm still and so on until it was time for a break before colouring.
I was shocked to see it was already 1.30. I didn’t really have any other plans for today anyway so I just accepted the situation and when I got home I ate and watched videos and TV until I’m here now in bed past midnight.
Tomorrow I have to take Tigger to the vet for one more vaccine but it doesn’t really matter what time so I’m sure to sleep in a bit.
Something I learned today?
When I woke up this morning I could already smell the air pollution from the smoke, even indoors. Outside looked abysmal too but I didn’t think too much about it as it’s kind of expected at this time of year and nothing ever gets done to try and remedy the situation.
In the afternoon Amy messaged me that the AQI was over 600! I thought that couldn’t be right. It was around 250 yesterday and today didn’t seem that much worse but I checked the app and sure enough, she was right. This was another reason for not doing much else today – just sitting in the living room with aircon and purifier trying not to develop lung cancer. I have headaches and bloody snot and do not feel 100%.
I took this picture because this is the lovely dog at the tattoo shop. He’s very soft and gentle.
We’ll birth our babies from sacs So our mothers feel no pain Patting ourselves on our backs With this technological gain
A matrix of unborn babies Hanging up in store We take away one suffering Perhaps replaced by more
A matrix of millions Spat from artificial wombs Why not exploit them further In this society that consumes
Mothers now free of pain Have more time for shopping Acceptance is hard to explain When there’s no sign of stopping
Today I’m feeling:
A tinge of sadness but in general pretty happy. I was sad when I got to school and walked around but found no students. An empty school reminds me that at other times these are just useless buildings.
I miss my students already though I know I will be over it soon enough, maybe even already!
Today I’m grateful for:
The staff who fixed my iMac and called me at 11 am, just as I was about to head home. It was ready to pick up. Great timing.
I’m happy to have a working machine again and looking forward to getting it back into the shape that works for me.
The best thing about today was:
Getting a quick haircut was pretty satisfying as it’s getting too hot to have a thick head of thinning hair.
Sitting at Daytripper and putting together another lesson was fun too.
Also, whilst there, watching the highlights of the first game of the AFL season on my laptop and watching students come and go.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I struggled to find all the software I needed to reinstall on my refurbished iMac. I’ll probably have to fiddle around a fair bit more before it’s really back in the shape I want. But that’s all right, this kind of annoying challenge suits me.
Something I learned today?
I watched a little Al Jazeera segment on the state of Iraq since the Western allies’ illegal war there. It seems that the little hope Iraqis had at the removal of Saddam Hussein was very short-lived and one has to wonder how much is the fault of the allies and how much the Iraqis themselves.
Money, power and religion make for a terrible mix when it comes to governance.
What is something in my life that I feel “lucky” to have?
Trying to think how to answer this. In one way I feel lucky for everything I have. In another, I feel like it wasn’t luck at all. So I’m trying to think of something that was just luck.
So after five minutes, I’ve decided all the things I have were not due to luck. Except for one thing.
I’m reminded by my student who told me her story of her parent’s rejection and asking ‘if they didn’t want me then why did they have me?’ We didn’t ask to be born, yet here we are.
So the one thing in my life that I feel lucky to have is life itself.
I took this picture because I’m at the hairdresser again. To get a haircut, not to just take a picture of their cat.
Made of plastic with a million others Boxed and sold to potential mothers Wrapped in cloth, put in a manger Idolised when stolen by a stranger Faith questioned by this random act The perpetrator is family in fact Purposes are being slowly revealed With metaphors that were concealed
Inspired by the first season of TV show The Leftovers
I don’t like work – no man does – but I like what is in the work – the chance to find yourself. Your own reality – for yourself, not for others – what no other man can know. They can only see the mere show and never can tell what it really means.
Joseph Conrad
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for all the things I learn about myself every day with the challenges I face.
I am so happy and grateful that we have a good vet who we can call on easily as Kim hurt her eye last night and we had to take her there. Hopefully, she will be ok. I am so happy and grateful for all the challenges I face in my life. Through time and experience, I have learned to be able to deal with them. They have all helped me to grow.
I am so happy and grateful for our beautiful long grass on our driveway. It’s very beautiful and makes me feel at home.
The life which we received was given to us not that we might just admire it, but that we should ever look for new truth hidden from us.
John Milton
To-do list
Record TCRAH ✅
Find other recordings on Soulseek ✅
Finish lesson plan ✅
I didn’t get to write last night as I was savouring watching The Night Of and wanted to finish it.
Anyway, over these two days, I did the 3 challenges and I’m slowly preparing myself for more. No real insights or deep thoughts – just soldiering on. I did do an entry for the Stoa Journal about what you would think if yesterday was the last day of your life – that was quite thought-provoking. I find doing the entries quite challenging and would to contemplate them more deeply. Maybe I will if I blog them sometime in the future.
I’m feeling like I’m more committed to completing the 1994ever writings and hoping to keep up with coinciding with the dates this year.
I am so happy and grateful for the heater in my car this morning. It feels very cold!
Learning how to sit still and obey others is the necessary prerequisite to learning how to sit still and obey yourself.
thought on Chinese education at Slate Star Codex
To-do list
Write about what you read today! ✅
Typhoon for revision – can it be done? ½
Find time to connect with someone. ½
What gift could you give Kru Noon?
Answer more challenges in your book. ✅
Had a lot of free time again today for which I’m very grateful. I wrote a few things down from what I was reading which made me realise that that is what I should be doing all the time.
An interesting Daily Stoic article talked about morning starts – movement, mindfulness, mastery. Things that I have been starting to do more and more anywhere. I feel like I have become a happier and more rounded person recently – still not challenged by a highly emotional event though.
A new challenge for this book is to recall and savour a time/event in my past and do this every night for five minutes or so. Tonight I will think about the time I helped Limited Express (has gone?) to tour Australia.
Tomorrow I was thinking about going somewhere else to buy coffee just to use my Curiosity Character Strength (which I did today by driving back home a different route) but Amy is taking the care so I’ll think about that for another day. I want to try many of the different examples of performing to Character Strengths just as an extra challenge.
Another important thing I learned today is that experiences make us happier than material things and I want to keep that in mind.
I’m sitting here in a hot classroom with about thirty 10 and 11-year-olds dancing, screaming, shouting, crying, punching, singing, banging doors and hanging out windows. And this is on a good day.
But it is a good day. I am in the zone. I can hear and see the cacophony whirling around me, can feel the rush of air as little ghosts dash past. But I don’t notice it. Is this what a meditative state is like? I don’t know (yet).
I sat and listened to a meditation the other night. It had some special name and special components; it was interesting but made me very anxious. After relaxing into a quieter state you had to imagine yourself climbing a steep hill and huffing deeply, gasping for air. OK, I can imagine that. But this went on for what felt like 5 minutes. Huff huff. I wasn’t sure if I wasn’t getting too much air, or too little. Huff huff. I felt dizzy. Huff huff. Nauseous. Huff huff. Anxious. Huff huff. Muscles wound tight, I tensed my stomach, itched my arms and kicked my legs. Fuck this.
Of course, I understand the purpose and I’ll check this again – maybe in a morning before I’ve had any coffee. The feeling of reaching the top of a mountain after extreme exertion will always have a relaxing satisfaction. It’s a long journey. Next time.
I’m jealous of those who enjoy the benefits of meditation and it’s not that I don’t think I can do it. I fill my time with many things and meditation hasn’t found its way onto that list quite yet. Well, it is on the list, but never ticked.
Recently I have been able to tick a lot of things though and I’m quite proud of that. Everything around is about a challenge at the moment. A challenge of change. I’ve pondered if I’m having my mid-life crisis now. I think I had a minor one when I was about thirty but on reflection, it doesn’t seem like it was that critical. I want to get that long story written down one day, perhaps just so I can still remember it or enjoy it again when I’m going senile. Who knows when that will be?
If I can tick off some little challenges and form some good habits out of them I think they will prepare me for the bigger challenges that may be ahead. The unexpected challenges, the ones that you don’t realise are messing with your head and your happiness. I’m looking for better reactions and outcomes as I know I am sometimes my own worst enemy. I want to change.
I’m in a place right now that I consider a little precarious.
Moving from Australia to Thailand didn’t feel like much of a big deal and I have been particularly happy since making this move. No longer being in such a financial struggle has allowed lots of spare time to read, listen to music, write and learn more about myself. I have never needed to be surrounded by lots of people to maintain happiness and now I am far away from those that I have made friends with around the world. So, no big deal, I can make new friends here in Thailand.
But here’s the rub. I’m very conscious of some of the nefarious reasons that people come to live in Thailand, and how many Thais can exploit that. I didn’t come here to get sidetracked with other people’s ridiculous dramas. That rules out getting involved with the more visible of the English speakers where I am. Those people make themselves known.
I understand the comfort those people find drinking, gossiping and fornicating together. In a different time, I would’ve happily joined in. I don’t want to judge them too harshly. I just don’t want to be around them.
Now, myself not being the most outgoing person in the world, I am struggling a little bit because I would at least like the opportunity to make connections with more people. Not superficial acquaintances but connections like I have made in the past.
I can now look back at the feelings my ex from Japan had as she found it difficult to maintain friendships in Australia with her fellow countrymen as the nature of migration is most often temporary (not made easier by some countries’ inhospitable attitudes towards migrants).
Now I find myself with similar feelings.
I am attempting to connect as much as I can digitally and I am mostly happy in my little kingdom at home but outside those gates is starting to become a little scary and precarious. I feel like the rug could be pulled away at any time without any hope of control.
I started to think more about this because I set myself a challenge to talk to a stranger every day. That’s when I realised that I am the stranger now. Whilst I can communicate with a Thai person on a superficial level it can rarely go deeper, rarely connect.
Otherwise, I rarely see any other foreigners where there is an opportunity to talk but now it is in my mind. I tell the students here that they should run up to any foreigner they see and just start talking. Now, I have to tell myself to do that. It may be nothing…. No, it will never be nothing – there will always be something gathered from that challenge.
A friend may not be made; a connection may be forged; but a lesson will always be learned.
Now, I really should get back to studying some Thai.
Can you tell me What it is? Does it hurt you When I do this?
I love it, I hate it, I love it, I hate it too I love it, I hate it, I love it, so how about you?
Can you tell me? ‘Cause I don’t know Why don’t you tell me Why is it so Confusing?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I can think through things better than I could before. Even though I haven’t been severely tested yet, every little piece of learning is helping to prepare me for any difficult situations in the future.
I’m quite envious of my students sometimes when I watch them laughing and playing together. I can feel the joy and excitement – it shines through their skin. It takes me back to those utter joyful days of excitement and wonder. Nothing else mattered except the fun to be had.
It has just struck me that the event that changed me was when we were at school at night time, to perform a play. All the students were there and lots of parents too. I had such a feeling of joy and connection that I wanted to kiss everybody. I was the same age as the kids in my class now.
When I wanted to kiss boys, I was mercilessly ridiculed by some of the more sexually advanced kids and they then gossiped to other kids and I left that once joyful night totally humiliated. Hmm. That night played on my mind for a long time and is obviously still clear to me now. Fucking kids.
From commonplace book
From quiet homes and first beginning Out of the undiscovered ends There’s nothing worth the wear of winning Save laughter and the love of friends
Hilaire Belloe
To-do list
Start compiling exam questions ½
Check if emails can be compiled and printed ✅
Write more in school journal ✅
Can you find an opportunity to help someone
Keep practising – Think first, speak later
Strange day today. Only found out when I arrived that there was some event on all morning and there would be no lessons which meant changing my teaching plans somewhat. I really felt quite chill with everything today. Whilst others were complaining I thought it wasn’t useful. We always complain about the same things. We know they will happen again and again – so complaining isn’t going to change anything.
I sat in my classroom and did what I wanted all morning as I hadn’t been given any directive to be elsewhere. The lack of communication can work in my favour.
I compiled a bunch of outstanding emails and printed a bunch of things so I’m quite pleased with that. I started putting together the exam questions and have a few weeks left to complete all that.
I had lots of time as I also had no classes in the afternoon so I was able to read and write a lot. As I didn’t meet many adults today I didn’t really find an opportunity to help anyone. I would’ve liked to ask Kru Noon if she wanted me to do anything but I only saw her for about five minutes around lunchtime. I’ll keep in my mind that I should offer some help.
I spoke a bit more than necessary when I met some of the other teachers – must remember to keep some thoughts to myself. I didn’t overdo anything though. Just something to keep getting better at.
Tomorrow I will drive to Chiang Mai for my passport application. I challenge myself to drive more slowly – not over 100 km/h and to be more careful. I will go to Mohawk Bar in the evening and meet John Murrie – I’m interested in what he has to say about teaching and politics.
If I have time I will drop by International House and say hello. Also, if time and money permits I’d like to check out the bookshop that Oh recommended.
1994ever 