“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
You are not the weather. You are the sky.
Eric Barker, paraphrasing Pema Chödrön
28th Oct 2022 – A much-reused language lesson for the attached picture, preferred to a picture of Michael Stipe anyway!
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be able to munch on kratom and enjoy its chill and relaxing effects. This week has been very enjoyable.
I am so happy and grateful to try this kratom powder today. I don’t know what to expect. Thanks to Matt, who bought it originally and then sold it to me.
Ah – home alone! I left Amy in the city with Nong Baew and friends, so I can chill at home, fiddle around and do whatever comes to mind!
I’ve been experimenting with this kratom powder that I bought off Matt and will see what kind of effect it has. I haven’t really felt much of anything so far, and anyway, I feel good already. Blasting music on the terrace and dicking around with my blog – as always.
Tuesday 7 am – no workers yet, cancelled two days running. Sabai sabai. Just do a good job – a long lasting job.
Hot Snakes in head today. Mild-mannered Froburg, last night podcast – couldn’t get to sleep from tension in my legs – eventually, did – XOX – all Hot Snakes songs are great but sound the same
Why am I comfortable to sit cross-legged? It fucks my back but feels better at the time. Bruce, work today, visit bookshop – I love books – take another for Bruno.
Evidence – I am a believer in what can be known – not so much what isn’t known. Will argue with George over this for sure – but keep it good-natured.
What did I dream? I don’t recall. Talk with Andrew on Sunday – what about? What method – work it out. A Dinosaur Jr. riff – always different always the same – my head is full of musical trivia – nonsense – but so it is.
Finished my jigsaw – meditate on that. Observe. Sounds and light.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for all the people I have met in my life, good and bad, they made me into who I am.
To-do list
I took some time today to learn more Thai and didn’t get to do so much else. Another very chilled day with no real work to do as such. I felt happy and contented and tried harder to listen and get more understanding from people. George mostly.
He started talking about fake moon landings and I didn’t argue against him but asked what it is about these types of things that interests him. I gave him my reason for not believing in the conspiracy and we both understood each other.
The lesson with Bruce was good despite my being a bit tired – it ended up an enjoyable discussion.
I did spend many times concentrating on the feelings in my body – when walking, when driving and there were also a couple of moments during the day when I just felt very contented. I want to learn to hold on to those – especially when we actually have to work in class. We talked (me, George and Dylan) about making classes fun and enjoyable for the students and I have to remember this more as I fell I am a more serious and sombre teacher.
I am so happy and grateful to be able to sit in this teachers room with aircon and share time happily with other teachers.
To-do list
Today could just as well have been a holiday as George, Dylan and I did no work at all. We spent an hour and a half for coffee in the morning, an hour for lunch and an hour for coffee in the afternoon. Apart from that we watched videos and read articles or listened to podcasts. I felt very much at ease today, compared with earlier in the week.
I need to keep working on these points about savouring, compliments, thinking positively towards myself and others, smiling and RAK. I also want to improve on not saying anything negative in a jokey way. I think I can boil my tasks down to just improving these things each day.
It was a shock to me, so wound up and heart rate spiralling. I could feel myself losing control, unable to think clearly and put the words together succinctly.
Mostly, I am very calm and chilled. Most people’s drama and excitements don’t affect me much – they often seem so petty and inconsequential. I am not a fan of conflict – I just can’t deal with it calmly. I recall a particular instance of being accused of always running away when I get into an argument with my then partner. Damn right I did, she was way smarter than me and could still put together a coherent thought whilst screaming her disapproval at me. I had to run away and calm down before putting out an olive branch of regret. Sometimes too early, and I had to run away again.
But, sometimes, in a couple of my work roles, I have felt the need to stand up and say my piece and call out the stupidity I see around me. And so it was yesterday.
The circumstances are not particularly relevant because, of course, now, I can also see how petty and inconsequential they are. What stood out to me in the post-conflict situation was how I felt and I struggled to deal with it. I took a walk and called Amy, though I didn’t discuss what happened with her, just needed some soothing re-assurance of normality. I checked my heart rate and that was still high, even about an hour later. I wasn’t re-living the event and going over it so much, cos I was right, goddammit! I think perhaps I was concerned about the possible escalation and continuation of the conflict for the rest of the day but that never eventuated.
Of course, as I slept that night and occasionally woke, that is when I started replaying the events in my mind. And the titular lyric came into my head. Now, if I could just put it into practice!
I used to think that justice had to rule for happy lives, but now I’m not so
Sure at all…you’re either wrong or right and life will go on either way, whatever
You chose….
Weight: 85.9kg
Resting heart rate: 50
1994ever 