Approaching from the horizon Shrinking as getting nearer A cloud-like hallucination With a face forming clearer
And words whispered soft Agreeable to the heart The mirage matters not As it hastens to depart
Soon a regular visitor To discuss things of great import To soothe a troubled soul Where madness is said to cavort
And to banish the monk black Is a mistake of pure vanity As real life makes its attack Upon one’s prevailing sanity
So despair visits the garden For one more forming of breath A reminiscence of loving times Before submission unto death
inspired by the Anton Chekov short story of the same name
Today I’m feeling:
Happy and run out of energy during the day.
Today I’m grateful for:
The water from the ground that is down there somewhere in the earth and finds its way to the pipes in our house so we can drink wash and feed our garden. I don’t understand how it works and I hope it never stops working!
The best thing about today was:
Riding my pushbike to Utopia and back this morning before it got too hot was a pleasant little exercise that my body and brain enjoyed.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The only things out of my control today were trivial and inconsequential and were handled by just getting on with it (as my mum would say).
Something I learned today?
From an online video, I learned what to do at Thai police checkpoints. Be calm. Don’t offer money but wait until the police want to deal and then negotiate. The Thai Tourist Police number is 1155. Don’t go to the police station. You are entitled to record the officer’s information and film them inspecting bags.
Reflect on a meaningful experience I had this week.
It has been nice to see the two students I helped get antidepressant medication appear to be improving, at least from what they are telling me. Another one that confides in me though still seems to be struggling. I talk to them when I can but can only help so much.
I took this picture because P’ti fled out the door at Utopia as someone came in to buy coffee. Art caught him and sat him and the bench where P’ti spied on birds in the field like a Kilroy!
Opinions formed around the scantest of facts Reinforce the feeling to sit back and relax Delegated control to the seats of power Surveilled to submission from the tallest tower
Freedom enforced with lies told twice Stock up on guns is the latest advice The hole keeps growing for the empire to fall Where democracy now means nothing at all
Today I’m feeling:
Happy and energetic
Today I’m grateful for:
This Chinese New Year peanut brittle I bought at Makro. It’s slightly crystallised from being in the fridge and is crunchy. I’ve eaten a whole tub today so I’ll be way over any normal sugar quota. My mum used to love peanut brittle, though had to stop eating it because of her teeth and dentures but I never liked it much back then.
The best thing about today was:
Having a list of household tasks to complete and getting them all done. No reading, writing or blogging today, though I did get in a bit of guitar.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The price of a cup of coffee has gone up at Utopia. What can I do? Buy less peanut brittle I guess.
Something I learned today?
I feel like I didn’t learn very much today! Or nothing particular that I didn’t already know or have an opinion on. One thing I remember from a couple of days ago was a comment about how the ‘international media ‘ as the West understands only covers about 15% of the world’s population. Hmmm…
What are three things I am grateful for today?
The fan that has been cooling me all day now that it’s humid again. Bandcamp for having so much great music out there to discover. Today I found Focusrights who are awesome! The hair bleach that I received from online shopping and had burned my hair a crispy yellow shade to disguise all the white.
I took this picture because it’s hot already and the cats are losing hair and staying cool by rolling onto their backs.
Quiet as a mouse Softer than a lamb Tighter than a clam Dead as a…. (Lizard tail) Roses are red My blood turned blue Shadow in tarmac Ah! Fuck you! Frog, dead frog Dead frog Dead
To the tune of Nomeansno’s Dead Bob and inspired by the titular dead frogs that litter our road, squashed to shadows of themselves.
Today I’m feeling:
Enthusiastic though a little tired. Skipped morning exercise for 20 minutes of extra dreaming this morning.
Today I’m grateful for:
Yukari in Japan for sending me CDs last year and when they didn’t arrive she sent new ones. The original package arrived today!
The best thing about today was:
Sitting in my classroom before the kids arrived but sat in a different corner for a different perspective and supping a surprisingly delicious coffee. Savouring every second before the whirlwind commences.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
As usual, my lazy classes turning up late with excuses and nonsense. I did what I could with what I had and lowered my expectations. The kids who were there stayed after class and we ended up having a better time than usual.
Something I learned today?
Guangdong province in China has turned around serious pollution problems from 20 years ago and is now winning awards for the transformation of its natural resources. Some of the videos look stunning. I’d love to go to China again sometime.
What would you do if you lost all your possessions?
I’d look forward to the gathering of many of them again. I love the search more than the ownership. I should do an online business to satisfy myself. Then I don’t need to keep the things I possess but just keep buying and selling.
I took this picture because I reminded myself that I need to take pictures (of something beautiful preferably) so when I was on my way back to school I took this picture. This reservoir is opposite the school grounds and it is an obvious attraction for students to feel thrilled and illicit.
How to fill the hole in that space? The emptiness in the halls When reminded every day By the pictures on the walls? Your smell permeates the air Your shoes still outside the door Waiting for some other soul Because you don’t need them anymore As your clothes hang in the cupboard Unbearable, the thought to remove But one day the burden must lift Knowing you’d surely approve Now you’re blown to the wind But the heart is where you stay Bittersweet what time is left Until I join you again one day
Educate the children and it won’t be neccesary to punish the men.
Pythagoras
Today I’m feeling: Tired and sleepy Today I’m grateful for: Shitty 7/11 coffee to fuel my drive to Lampang. No decent coffee today but that will make tomorrow all the more sweet. The best thing about today was: At uncle’s funeral today there was the usual chanting and ceremony but something I hadn’t seen before was a traditional acapella song that sounded almost islander in origin. Mourners gathered around the coffin and with arms around each other in a long chain they swung side to side with the rhythm. It was really quite beautiful. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? Almost everything was out of my control today except my thoughts and reactions, which were all positive. Today was a day for other people and I submitted to that. Something I learned today? The US military has recruiters in US schools actively targeting the poor and those unable to afford college tuition fees (or their debt). Military personnel, I believe, get free college tuition. That’s pretty crazy! What are you most proud of in your life? Coincidentally I just posted a response to a similar question that I wrote a couple of years ago. That was a list of three things I was proud of, which still stands today. Though looking at this question grammatically, I wouldn’t want to have one thing I was most proud of but to be proud of many things. Life is long and deserves many proud moments.
I took this picture because this is where uncle’s body became ash and smoke. This crematorium is bigger than I’ve experienced before. I’m starting to recognise more of the extended family at the funerals I go to. However, the family also dwindles each time.
*format from The Red Wheelbarrow by William Carlos Williams Submitted to Writer’s Workshop
Every path is the right path. Anything might have been anything else and had just as much meaning to it.
Tennessee Williams
Today I’m feeling: Happy, a little tired from noisy classes Today I’m grateful for: The salad seller at the market again. Amy told me she would be out for dinner when I got home so I rode off to the market not sure what I would decide to have and this time I went back to the salad which I haven’t had for a while now. It was great. The best thing about today was: Having fun in my classes despite the kids being noisy and lazy. I made Nam and Aoi laugh when they sometimes get angry with me pushing them. Goya was loud and hard-working and enjoying things and at the end, Gam happily stayed back to finish her work whilst I played around with Fah who was waiting for her. In the morning I helped Dena, Nicha and Namkhing individually with some reading and sent the top 4 off to investigate and prepare for our scavenger hunt which we should have on Wednesday if all goes to plan. I think that I’ve got my mind in the right place for these kids now. I also found out today that we have Friday and Monday off for the new year holiday. Cool! What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? The kids in the morning were particularly noisy so I moved a few of them around which helped for a while. As I was trying to help them with reading and pronunciation most were just talking with each other so I stopped and told them I wouldn’t help them anymore and to record themselves reading the passage. I almost lost it but distracted myself by talking with the top 4 as described above, so at least I still felt useful. Slowly students started to come and ask for my help, realising they should have been listening before. They all did it and did it well enough in the end. There are different ways to get to the destination. Something I learned today? Tangmo has got a new friend and decided to bring them here tonight. I thought it was ‘Mo on the terrace but then saw it was a slightly thinner shape and when I went to open the door it ran off. Later I went out to see if it was still around when I thought I saw it in the darkness but then Tangmo ran out to me. I went to get the rope for him and then saw the other dog cautiously nearby. It wouldn’t come close but was curious. I threw the rope for ‘Mo who collected it and then ran out with it, then to chase the new dog up the road and out of sight with the rope flowing behind him from his mouth…probably never to be seen again! The rope, that is. Dopey ‘Mo will be back tomorrow wondering why I have no rope to play with anymore. What could you let go of, for the sake of harmony? I’m not sure that I’m holding on to anything these days. I’ve let go of most things that have caused me trouble, often, maybe too often, by avoidance or running away, but now just by forgiveness and forgetting. I don’t make other people’s problems mine anymore. Sometimes I still hold on to the point that I should be trying to stuff as much information into my student’s heads as possible and whilst that may be suitable for one or two kids it doesn’t lead to harmony in the classroom. So I do usually let that go anyway.
I took this picture because I want to remember the view when leaving home. This house has been more of a home for me than anywhere else but still, it’s hard to appreciate it whilst living here. Homes are often created through nostalgia and the memories of everything that occurred there. One day I may look at this photo and think about all the things that I was part of here, which may as simple as reading in the hammock, eating on the terrace or managing the garden.
The drudgery of the day-to-day Took our childlike sense away No longer dwarfed by all around Bored with all the knowledge found
No longer novel and mysterious Everything became so serious Less scared of what’s seen and heard Memories need to be shaken and stirred
The eyes of children opened wide Light pouring in deep down inside Inspiration to seek the sublime A world in which you can redefine
The battle against conformity requires you to adhere to another kind of conformity.
Dana Kletter, from Manchild 5
Today I’m feeling: Happy and positive though a little tired due to the lack of sleep from recent nights. Today I’m grateful for: The school director thanking us teachers for our hard work and effort at his school. Even if it was just a vague excuse for a meeting arranged by TLC as pats on each other’s backs, I still appreciate that he said these things. Most of the time we feel quite unrecognised and underappreciated. Of course, no pay rise, no bonus, and no Christmas gifts for us! Oh well, my coffee schedule messed up by the meeting I took the opportunity to invite David to House for a quick Kickstarter brew. The best thing about today was: My unruly class of kids in 1/7. Before it started I took Goy aside and asked how she felt about my class. She’s a quiet and top-grade productive student and I don’t get chance to talk with her much. She said she liked the class but when prompted said that it was too easy. I know this and apologised to her but she understood that I have many low-skilled students to manage. I asked her about her classmates and she said they were very annoying and make it difficult to concentrate. Obviously, I agreed and I thanked her for her thoughts. I was glad that she was happy with me as a teacher at least. Back in class, the kids wandered in lazily and mostly in high spirits. The two that I kicked out on Tuesday sheepishly laid low in their seats but I made an effort to try and engage Nong Aoi though she insisted she couldn’t write because her hand was hurting. I tried to make it fun by writing with my other hand which she tried for about ten seconds before giving up. With my left hand I write ‘Aoi ❤️ ?’ and Saipan and Rista got excited and said ‘Geno’. So I got a little embarrassed but it gave me an idea. I quickly got to a break point with some writing and hooked up the speaker and searched YouTube for Dexys ‘Geno’ and started playing it. Many kids got up to dance including Aoi and she had a big smile on her face. It was good to see. I settled them all back down with a promise to play it again at the end of the class. After a while, Aoi asked to escort another student who was feeling sick to the bathroom, however, a few minutes later she turned up with four boys, one of which was Geno. They stuck around for a while but got bored waiting until the end of class. When it did come I played Geno again and other excited dancing kids asked for a couple of other songs and that’s how it ended. I love these kids, one moment crazy upset, the next crazy happy. Just like every other human you ever met. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? Last night I found a scratch on Kim Chi that looked pretty serious. Amy was concerned and we talked about whether and when to take her to the vet. It was already 9.30 and I was ready to sleep. We decided not to go then but spent the next couple of hours trying to clean the wound and watching her, putting on a collar to stop her licking and discussing what to do today. As we give her a special medicine for her leukaemia, we don’t generally give her any other medicine from the vet so as not to mix them. She seemed ok this morning and ate without a problem, just annoyed at having her collar on. I called Amy later from school and she’d cleaned up Kim’s room again and decided to keep her there to keep her out of any more trouble. When I got home though she seemed to be more uncomfortable with the wound, which is right on her empty ballbag and was weeping a little cloudy fluid. We quickly decided we should take her to the vet which meant a 2-hour round trip and not a relaxing evening at home. But this is what we do for those we love and so I enjoyed the drive, the traffic, the vets and everything else. I could’ve been annoyed at this loss of free time but I turned it into positive time. The vet advised to bring her again tomorrow which throws out some other plans but this is the way we have to roll. Something I learned today? Talking to David over a coffee he told me new things about South Africa that I didn’t know. There are maybe 11 tribal groups in South Africa, all with slightly different cultures. Since the end of the apartheid, the ANC has ruled non-stop but corruption is rife and although overt racism has gone it still exists in more subtle ways. The government is seemingly directed by rich bankers and billionaires ensuring their money keeps rolling in. David said he has come across many more South Africans in Thailand recently as folks are getting out to seek a better future, something which is not possible for the majority. Of course, it’s far more complicated but the underlying immorality and inhumanity are obvious. Perhaps inhumanity is actually the default of humans. Humanity is only something achieved in small doses. Which aspects do you think makes a person unique? It’s late already and I would like to write more about this but it also seems obvious that the answer would be ‘every aspect’. There’s no getting around the fact that everyone is unique.
I took this picture because, on a valley bike ride with Bruno, he recommended stopping at this fish restaurant for me to check out. We had a small quick meal and chatted overlooking the fish pond. It was only about 2pm and the owners/staff were lazing around one of the tables. Bruno seemed to think they were high or perhaps they were just in that chilled laid back zone of rural northern Thailand. We were also greeted by an assortment of shaggy dogs and scrawny cats, happily playing, hunting, snacking and snoozing. Lazy days at the fish pond restaurant on a road off the beaten track. A ‘local’ fish pond restaurant for ’local’ people.
Janky parking in entitled lots The prize to get has got to be gots The hustled and hustlers dancing in jitters A microcosm of moronic critters Overrun with amateurs, unable to discern Anything beyond their own concern Grown men anxious and chomping at bits Losing their minds in explosive fits Society and humanity seemingly forgotten The race to the top has now reached the bottom Used to a life full of broken noses Shop til you drop, or at least til it closes
Embrace all obstacles as learning experiences, as means to getting stronger.
Robert Greene
Today I’m feeling: Content and tired Today I’m grateful for: Nong May, Amy’s cousin (?), for driving me to get coffee in Lampang. Also dad for driving on the way in the morning, and mum for paying for lunch. The best thing about today was: I really enjoyed driving back from Lampang for the first hour. My neck got sore after that though. I also enjoyed lucid dreams again on the way there and was amazed it was already 11am when we got there. The drive only felt like 30 minutes to me but was almost 4 hours. Also meeting the little girl doing dot-to-dot in the cafe whilst I was waiting for coffee. She was very cute and curious. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? Most of the day was out of my control and I had already accepted this beforehand. Something I learned today? Why do I struggle to recall things at the end of the day? Does information logged in my brain stay in there? Is it useful? Does it only get activated when triggered by something relevant? I suppose that makes sense. Or am I going through days without learning anything at all? I did learn it was Nong Fah’s birthday today, thanks to a notification in LINE! What’s your favourite time of day? Sunrise and golden hour are both up there. Birth and death. Why? The living and sleeping parts don’t hold the same appeal? Like the land meeting the sea is more special than being in the ocean or the middle of the land. Do special things only happen at the edges?
I took this picture because this was the pretty garden area behind the restaurant we ate lunch at in Lampang. There were some amazing mountains along the way but I was driving and couldn’t take pictures.
Direction > Speed. Doesn’t matter if you are moving slow or fast, if you are moving in the wrong direction, you are fucked.
Aditi
Goodreads.com review of Last Gang in Town: The Story and Myth of the Clash by Marcus Gray
Excellent book for me. I like the Clash a lot but didn’t know much about their history before now. After reading this book I can feel that I perhaps bought into the Clash ‘myth’ more than I’d expected. After reading a slew of rock biographies, mostly about people that were interesting but not necessarily whom I had any respect for, I guess I should have been prepared to find out that these mythological punks were all too human.
Whatever! It’s all done and dusted and I remember the sight, sound, and feel of the pedestal I had them up on!
I found the post-Clash chapters interesting too, as most of the band seemed to struggle with finding their identities after the breakup, and everyone, including themselves, wondered about what could have been.
Today I’m feeling: Relaxed and tired because of cocktails and pizza indigestion keeping me up throughout the night and then a 5.30 wake up to catch our flight. Today I’m grateful for: The two homeroom teachers who (probably) helped push my students to do the work I left for them as I wasn’t at school today. I think about 80% of them did it which was a pleasant surprise. The best thing about today was: Getting decent coffee again back in Chiang Rai (at Utopia) and finishing the Clash book and starting an Iggy Pop book. The last of the unread books there for me before I have to start bringing my own again. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? Late afternoon and Amy gets Kim Chi up from her current sleeping spot in the walk-in. Kim is still limping on her back right leg and we agreed she needed to go to the vet but with only one car again it was going to be difficult to arrange whilst I’m at school so despite being tired and chilled at home I suggested we go right away otherwise it would have to be on the weekend when we already have a long day trip to Lampang planned on Sunday. In spite of it being school let-out time, I enjoyed the drive to Dr Arnon and back and he doesn’t think there is anything seriously wrong with Kim’s leg and just gave her some painkillers. I was also able to buy some snacks to take for Tokyo at House so that worked out ok. Something I learned today? Following on from yesterday, according to another survey, Chiang Rai is the lowest-paid province in Thailand. It made me wonder if the two facts about Chiang Rai are connected. Does drinking decrease as a place prospers? If Chiang Rai folks were paid more would they drink more? When are you most spontaneous? I’m not spontaneous much at all these days I don’t think so I would say this would be in my classes when I might add in some things around the lessons I’m teaching. I do miss the days of spontaneity but am also happy with the way I am now too. I’m well-organised and my brain suits that better than being spontaneous as I’m not always good at predicting possible outcomes.
I took this picture yesterday at the Hilton in Phuket because wtf is a peacock doing here just wondering around!?
The art of politics, a war of words No value holds except for action’s result The game of life, power and influence Made all the more difficult By clowns with big wallets flashing Of which the ignored must choose Checks and balances, no winners The plan is just not to lose
I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.
Hunter S Thompson
Today I’m feeling: Fairly happy, minorly frustrated. Today I’m grateful for: The word search maker website that, with a small amount of prep, helped keep my kids occupied for half an hour or so. Once I realised that they could play online I let the kids keep their phones and off they went, relatively quiet and interested. The best thing about today was: Good caffeine hits at House in the morning, getting a bit more blogging out of the way and quickly preparing some work for one of the classes tomorrow. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? If it’s a school day these entries will probably revolve around class situations! Today I got tired of some students being over playful, mocking or disruptive in both my classes so I sent them out. I’ve contacted their homeroom teachers and advised them that this will be how I handle this in the future. I will talk with the students and make sure they understand too. I almost lost it at one point but managed to keep my annoyance in check, helped by the fact I was in a reasonably good mood. When are you most at peace? In the lucid dreaming stage of sleep. I love that feeling even if details are forgotten on waking the memory endures. Most other times I feel I am at war, so that even that becomes a sort of peace, in its numbing inevitability. I am at peace on a plane. I have ceded all control over my life, may as well relax.
I took this picture because suddenly the sun appeared after a small storm, just as it was setting. The last light, gone from me for another day.
Not understanding consequences The future impossibly vast Fire the only guide With no lesson from the past Naivety is nature For kitten and the pup A world set in wonder To drink from this cup Bitter-tasting tears Wiped from cheeks so red Whispered-coated rumours Of words perhaps not said Blind lead blind in battles Swords laid to the heart Voices deepen in anguish As the youth set to depart Wisdom-thickened skin Hardened by the aches Practised and repeated Then learned from those mistakes Where did they go Those sadder lonely days? Reminders of a time Enjoyed in so many ways.
The truth I believe is that silence – like darkness – is a little unnerving but unlike darkness, the apprehension comes not from the fact that it conceals but in that it reveals.
Thomas J Bevan
Today I’m feeling: Exhausted, a little happy but a little down. Today I’m grateful for: Amy being back in the kitchen and cooking up a storm. Before we got home we went shopping and found some vegan pork belly cubes and Amy cooked them and they were delicious. The best thing about today was: Chilling at House after a reasonable first-thing morning class. The kids were fairly well-behaved and most got their work done. I got a few things done whilst drinking coffee and enjoyed relaxing. What book are you reading right now? Quite a few different ones but the main one is 100 Selected Stories by Anton Chekov. Only just started yesterday but the first two stories were great.
I took this picture because everyone loves a chilled dopey dog. Tokyo can get pretty bitey but I’ve learned to keep her happy and she’s often found like this.
1994ever 