What is it I’ve lost? I really wish I knew Forever counting cost The dreams that withdrew
Always filled with hunger Came the realisation When I was younger I stunted imagination
Though I roll in riches On stock market gambles I can’t scratch the itches That fantasy unscrambles
Today I’m feeling:
Good to go in the morning but after lunch I flaked into a long afternoon nap from which I didn’t feel very inspired by.
Today I’m grateful for:
Paul Merton, an English comedian who I have enjoyed since the 80s. I loved his absurd humour in his TV series and now he is still on the long-running show Have I Got News For You where his very English wit still resonates with me. I can still enjoy the show whilst not having any real idea of what’s going on in the UK these days.
The best thing about today was:
Morning coffee and reading some more Wuthering Heights, followed by some pleasant (forgotten) dreams during nap time.
Something I learned today?
This app (Day One) offers a book service and it looks awesome. It would be better for me if WordPress did something like that though as that has more content. Still I reckon I might get a couple printed up for Hayden and Amy.
12th Mar 2024 – I’ve since discovered that there are services that print out WordPress sites and I will try and get one done for 2023 when I finally have finished updating it, which may still take another year yet!
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I bought a T-shirt from Utopia, not because I need one but just to support them. I think Utopia T-shirts are one of the most popular shirts in our area.
What songs were the soundtrack for this year?
I decided to try answering this question knowing that this year is part on an ever decreasing tendency of listening to music.
Without there being a specific artist I would say the two things that I have heard the most are the songs that I bash along to on guitar and the Jazzcore podcast that I listen to about once a month for an hour or so, usually when I’m napping.
Which particular small thing that your partner does irritates you the most?
I’ve been mulling this over for the day and there may be many possibilities to mention but ultimately at the end of the day anything that irritates me is a choice that I’ve made.
And this is what I will keep telling myself every time I feel that way.
I took this picture because the hairdresser’s kitty reminds me so much of Kim. A happy friendly tiny little ginger cat.
Her words are like kisses Each sentence inspires She’s an amusing muse Setting touch-paper fires Lighting the way to art Where the image is created We set ourselves apart Related, yet unrelated Yes, she is an amusing muse It wasn’t up to me to choose
Pretty good and positive. I got to school early so that I could chat with students a little. That makes me happy. ****** wasn’t there today, Jan said she threw up this morning but I messaged her a bit later and she seemed ok though she still hasn’t even met her mum in their house since things happened a couple of nights ago.
Today I’m grateful for:
The new iOS Journal app looks pretty interesting as it gives prompts based on things you do on your phone. It’s not near a replacement for Day One yet though but it’s possible it could become so in the future.
The best thing about today was:
Watching a Love and Rockets documentary on YouTube and being reminded about what a truly awesome and inspiring comic it is. It reminds me that I would still like to get a Maggie and Hopey tattoo one day.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I started looking into my lessons for the next week or two and realised I needed to make some changes but there was some problem with the files that had me fixing them for the best part of three hours. Not exactly what I had planned for the afternoon (though I hadn’t really planned anything to be honest).
What random memory comes to mind right now?
Trying to force a memory into my head just to answer this question is hardly random!
Hira Hira have popped into my head a few times recently for some reason. Seeing them play at different venues at different stages of their couple of years existence. They are a reminder of fun times of involvement in Sydney’s music scene.
I took this picture because this interesting menagerie of items caught my eye at the hotel we stayed at. The Guy Fawkes mask has become a common emblem though I’m not sure that it’s use here is indication of anything in particular. No new pictures for three days now!
The man with the winning smile Wins a front-page reward His shiny teeth are squeaky clean But he speaks like a machine And everyone got bored
The man stands above the crowd Surveys the plebs around A swinging dick and shiny head But a nightly empty bed With no friends to be found
Today I’m feeling:
Relaxed and chilled. Cancelled riding over to see Matt as I feel lazy and want to enjoy my home for another day. May go to Daytripper later but I thought that yesterday and ended up not getting there.
Today I’m grateful for:
Nut and Bruno again, this time bringing me food because they are going away for a week. A whole banoffee. I need to work these calories off!
The best thing about today was:
Walking in our driveway in the dark and looking at the clear night sky and the brightest nearest stars. I do this most nights and feel how inconsequential I am in the bigger scheme. I’m smaller than an ant. An atom or even less.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I had minimal interactions with people today and nothing went wrong at home. I have spent 95% of the day in my head where I had full (?) control. Maybe I couldn’t control my laziness today and I handled that with a delicious nap.
Something I learned today?
I learned that I can use ChatGPT to write lesson plans! But I will investigate more as I want to come up with more fun ideas for the classroom.
What are your top two favourite apps or websites?
Website is definitely Bandcamp as I use it to host promote and sell the tenzenmen catalogue. It’s easy to use as a seller and as a buyer and researcher.
As for an app, apart from this one (Day One) at the moment, it is probably Substack as it collects interesting newsletters for me to read when I’m free, rather than clogging up my inbox.
Art took this picture because he used it to post to Facebook to show Utopia is open. I don’t like myself in this picture though. I’d like to cut off my sagging chin!
A filter for your fine wine Clever ways to pass the time Background noise, it overtakes A price to pay for your mistakes Filter out your reputation Open to reinterpretation A vessel holding temporary A vintage wine exemplary
…people sell their freedom as a necessity for getting rid of the anxiety which is too great to bear…
Rollo May
Today I’m feeling: Happy and relaxed Today I’m grateful for: My student’s relatively good moods. I can’t quite comprehend what Christmas means for these kids but, being what they are, they take full advantage of the generally relaxed atmosphere. The best thing about today was: Talking with Eing, Nicha, Nam and Dena outside class. They were in a friendly and curious mood and with our mixed language skills we managed to communicate together for a good ten minutes. This felt like the place where real learning, trying and experiencing, happens. In the classroom is just a setup, a prep. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? I’m actually writing this on Saturday morning as I fell asleep listening to music last night. Time ran out of my control. I also got a message from Bronwyn that Hayden had to confront a potential burglar at home on Thursday night. I called him, he was a bit shaken by the experience but he seemed to handle everything well really. His covid symptoms aren’t so bad this time but he has to stay away from work for two weeks which is leaving him short of cash. Despite everything, and his voice being a little down, he seemed pretty positive. Being far away and being a dad to an adult means relinquishing control and letting your child deal with the good and the bad in the world. Watching personalities develop is an interesting experiment. I will do it with Hayden for the rest of my life. I will do it with my students for a year or two of theirs. Something I learned today? I learned that Martin Atkins has a post-punk museum in Chicago. He was talking about it on the Curious Creatures podcast. I communicated briefly with Martin a few years ago when getting hold of the Snapline album that he mixed. In interviews I’ve seen with him online he has a certain bravado, a barrier he constructs but his articulation with the hosts of the podcast was much more sincere and I liked him a lot more. How are you celebrating the holidays this year? As can be expected this app (Day One) is a western Christian-centric app, despite being available to people anywhere in the world and it expects you to be having holidays about now. And I’m not. So I’ll be working as these are just normal days here.
I took this picture because I started checking these new Ai image-making apps that are getting lots of press. AI writing and all sorts of apps can be generated easily and with speech too, it practically means webpages of information can be artificially built. What will be ‘real’ or considered real? This image was created by entering Gormenghast Lord Titus. The image is unique and interesting but did I make it? I want to take the image and draw my own version of it. Will it be mine then? Maybe.
Put it away you fat gut fuck We know who ate the pies Whoever told you that you look great Was simply telling you lies Your beer baby collecting sweat Sunburned wives drunk on wine Hair of the dog on the morning stroll At the beach again, rain or shine
The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience.
From To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Today I’m feeling: Happy and relaxed Today I’m grateful for: The second pharmacy I tried that sold me tramadol at a reasonable price compared to the first that wanted almost 3 times as much. It reminded me of the time the same thing that happened in Chiang Mai. Shop around. The best thing about today was: Going to Coffee U for my morning hit. Gui at House suggested going there as it is a friend he trained in Bangkok who runs it. The coffee wasn’t amazing but did the job. Sitting outside was a foreign girl and her small dog. The dog was really pretty so I went and petted her and talked to the girl who sounded east European perhaps. She said the dog was just 5 months old and a cross German Shepherd and random Thai but that she was super friendly and relaxed and was cool with cats and kids. That’s the type of dog I’d like. One day maybe. Also driving around to different parts of Phuket and just relaxing back into it as the maelstrom of Amy, Fern, Pim and Harper spins around me. I’m just the driver so I do my job, enjoying what I can. I ask few questions and just take them where they wish. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? I was kind of interested to go to a bookshop today but it was too late by the time we’d finished running around. It would’ve been nice to have done something I wanted to do but it’s not that big a deal. I might get a chance tomorrow…and then again I might not. What types of journals do you like to keep? I’ve been keeping things all over the place. In notebooks and online. I’m starting to dig Day One as a journal on my phone as it also has some interesting prompts. I may pay to upgrade and use its speech-to-text ability rather than writing, especially as I end up putting everything online, it’s easier to just cut and paste.
I took this picture because I’m here in Phuket where there are way too many foreign tourists for my liking but it’s still possible to find beautiful places to take pictures and mostly devoid of humanity. As I took this one I pondered what is it that attracts us to the points where land meets the sea.
Eating belly jeans, listening to a bad salad Considering the plaster man My prubarb rye was wise prinning As only my bunch luffet can
I was pit-nicking and nucking futs Going over to the sark died Sod rest her goal, it reamed so seal Now those birty dirds have flied
Humans have an infinite capacity for denying the truth.
Judge Death, 2000AD
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to know the egg lady in the market who sells me three boiled eggs for 20 baht. We’ve never spoken to each other as it is a straightforward transaction but I’m glad she’s there.
Today I started using an app called Day One, the free version of which lets you add a picture each day with the prompt of why you took it. The app also prompts for other things such as below:
Today I’m grateful for: Finding this app and to see if it is useful for me. I’ve been writing my gratitude journal on paper for 18 months or so and want to try a mobile app again.
I took this picture because this is my first day using this app and I have to start somewhere.
The Poems Of Reason
This one has taken a while, perhaps more than a year. Again, a poem for a bunch of quotes I highlighted whilst reading Sartre’s The Age of Reason.
Everything is so neat and tidy in your mind; it smells of clean linen; it’s as though you had just come out of a drying room.
The Drying Room
The static in the air Crackles your clean clothes Your body is straight Your mind is straight It’s the vision that you chose
When you look at yourself, you imagine you aren’t what you see
False Mirror
Reflecting Who is this? Who are you? Am I in this picture? I am the light of the scene A spotlight shines upon me Flowers are thrown, gifts given This mirror is not me My head is not the mirror So what is this picture I see?
…you’re the sort that upsets glasses and smashes mirrors. And women trust you. Well, they get what they deserve.
Smashed Up
You balanced your full temper With a charisma kept in reserve And those folks who trusted you End up with what they deserve
He had not seen him for six months….It was embarrassing, they had too much to say to each other, their fading friendship lay between them.
Some Things Don’t Last A Long Time
The red has faded The blue has paled This picture, a reminder Our friendship has failed Too much to say Too much time past It’s just a sign It wasn’t meant to last Forgotten the feeling Of the things we shared Six months on Like we never cared
Who am I to give advice? And what have I done with my life?
Void
The eternal question to ask Who am I? Why am I here? Have you asked this of yourself? Who are you? Why are you here? Advice offered through experience It’s honest but never true and clear What did we ever do with ourselves? Who are we? Why are we here?
…he always felt as though he were somewhere else, that he was not wholly born. He waited. And during all that time, gently, stealthily, the years had come, they had grasped him from behind…
Beers and Wine
What are you waiting for? You’ve been born for many years You’ve never been now Now holds too many fears Death is creeping up on you You’ve been worried every day Too late to let it loose Now your regret is here to stay
Youth is fantastic, so vivid on the surface, but no feeling inside it.
Empty Pocket
The stars of the youthful eyes Burning bright in darkened skies An energy burst, far and wide An empty pocket, nothing inside
You mustn’t mind me today, I’m not myself. I’m dependent on other people, which is so degrading.
Irrelevant
Don’t mind me and the things I say I’m just not really myself today I degrade myself by being dependent I need others to make me feel relevant
I want to live immediately, I haven’t begun, and I haven’t time to wait, I’m old already, I’m twenty-one.
Dying Days
How long can I wait, I’m already old I should be living now, or so I’m told I haven’t started and the race feels run My dying days at only twenty-one
He never worried about her, he said to himself; “If there was anything the matter with her, she would tell me.”
Together
Sure she would tell me if there was something wrong I never worry about her and where we both belong Sometimes side by side and other times far apart We are certain to be together deep within our heart
I forget the context of the quote but took it as a negative thought, in that he doesn’t think about the person much at all. But when it came to writing this little poem I’m channelling the positive feeling between my wife and me as she is far away. I do worry a little about her – but I don’t worry about us.
And yet he ought to know that I can’t talk about myself, that I don’t like myself enough for that.
Glean
When I dislike myself I remain quiet Contemplating all of my life’s meaning Yet you chatter away incessantly Without acknowledging that I’m dreaming And the words we both imparted Provided little for either of our gleaning
One could only damage oneself through the harm one did to others.
I Hurt Myself
The thoughts I have about you The ones I justify I redirect them inward To test and qualify I learned that if I hurt you It’s myself that feels the damage Better to change my thinking And these emotions I must manage
She was beautiful beyond all doubt, but her beauty was of the kind that vanishes under observation.
Focus
Such a vision from afar As if captured in a soft-focus lens This beauty breaks under inspection On distance it depends
I am the more convinced that one oughtn’t to be a man of principles. You are stiff with them, you even invent them, but you don’t stick to them.
Break Or Bend
Does the principle a man make? Or convinced they are better to break? Stiff with sticking to a particular way Or flexibly bending from day to day
A man must have the courage to act like everybody else, in order not to be like anybody.
A Different Same
It’s bravery to jump in the river From the same bridge others jumped There’s a message to deliver So remains the water pumped All within is what remains There’s a choice to resistance The difference will be what explains Our places in existence
Your age of reason is the age of resignation, and I’ve no use for it.
Useless
When you found reason It seemed all but useless to me A resignation About how one chooses to be
…you looked much more like a fellow who had just realised that he had been living on ideas that don’t pay.
Next Invention
Each great idea come and gone Moved half a world away Master of the next invention Living on ideas that never pay
No one ever talks to me about myself, and there are times when I can’t seem to get hold of what I am.
Doctor Griffin
Talk to me, don’t talk to me Your words so closely guarded Who am I? I’m not too sure Always disregarded An invisible man Unsure what I am
…inject a meaning into life, choose to be a man, to act and to believe. That would be salvation.
Salvation
I saved myself in the end Making choices, acting and believing Found the time in which to spend Thoughts to surround with meaning
My freedom? It’s a burden to me; for years past I have been free and to no purpose. I simply long to exchange it for good sound certainty.
No Complaint
I don’t want freedom Its burden brings constraint Because I have no purpose Not even any complaint Give me words to live by A map and a guide Days that are certain No thinking need be applied
Well, he ought to marry Marcelle. After that he can rest upon his laurels, he is still young, he will have a whole life in which to congratulate himself on a good deed.
Sat Back
That one deed that made a god To revel in the glory until the end Resting on laurels laid in youth And for the future did depend
“I must transform myself to the very bones.” But nothing could help him to do that: all his thoughts were tainted from their origin….he saw himself exposed and as he was: thoughts, thoughts about thoughts, thoughts about thoughts of thoughts, he was transparent and corrupt beyond any finite vision.
Very Bones
In ever-decreasing circles of thought And all the thinking amounts to naught Becoming a ghost, accepting of fate Transformed to a flesh-corrupted state
…there were people who did not exist at all, mere puffs of smoke, and others who existed rather too much.
Living A Quote
Live the quote ‘to be or not’ You were blown away on the breeze Left nothing to be remembered for A life disappeared with ease Living the quote ‘to be or not’ You are an immovable stone Standing in the way of everyone Until left standing alone
“I don’t know how to suffer, I never suffer enough.” The most painful thing about suffering was that it was a phantom, one spent one’s time pursuing it, one always hoped to catch and plunge into it and suffer squarely with clenched teeth; but in that instant it escaped, leaving nothing behind but a scattering of words and countless demented, pullulating arguments. “There’s a chattering in my head, and the chattering won’t stop. Oh, how I wish I could be silent!”
Suffer Enough
I only suffer myself Is it enough for meaning? Sunken into comforts Words of smoke, no feeling A talking never stops All arguments demented Suffering in silence Enough to be resented
…they must be assumed to understand each other’s allusions or the charm would be broken. (game playing. not like that – straight to a fault)
Game Playing
When the rules are clearly understood Is it still a game we’re playing? Have we taken this beyond understanding With the truths we’ve been saying?
Various tried and proved rules of conduct had already discreetly offered him their services: disillusioned epicureanism, smiling tolerance, resignation, flat seriousness, stoicism – all the aids whereby a man may savour, minute by minute, like a connoisseur, the failure of a life.
All The Rules
Borrowed from the wise across the ages From the philosophies of time’s well worn pages Each one with rules increasingly rife All pointing towards our failure of a life
1994ever 