This space buzzed by mosquitoes A history was being carved out Dusty messes swept into the corners Where cockroaches nested, no doubt
Now an empty room remains A hunger within this home The incense lights the way So we don’t have to be alone
Ghosts are only seen by some A chilly feeling in prickly air Once a room full of new stories Is left in stasis with nothing there
Grandmum’s empty room
Today I’m feeling:
Still a little tired though I slept quite a lot. Not going to push my classes today and going to take it easy myself too.
Today I’m grateful for:
A surprise lunch date with the family at the seafood restaurant Amy and I tried last Sunday. At first I felt a little annoyed as I had wanted to stay at House to read and write after going to apply for the work permit after my first class. That quickly faded though as I’ve grown much more accustomed to sudden changes of plans. The food was also great, which certainly helped too!
The best thing about today was:
Sitting with groups of three students at a time and working on a grammar rule with them. I can usually get a good response out of small groups when there’s an opportunity to do so and we all could laugh and learn together.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I went to get my work permit and in the process they asked if I want it for two years to which I thought ‘sure!’ It was only then I wondered how much it would cost and I found out it will be 6000 baht which is all the money I have left this month!
Something I learned today?
As we’ve been busy for this last week I haven’t really asked Amy about much of what the latest news is or about all the stuff at the temple. With a couple of wines under her belt she talked for a long while about different people that attended the funeral, all of the costs and stresses for the family and what little she knew about the Buddhist rituals and rules.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I sent supportive messages to three of my students who struggled with situations today.
Nicha took this picture because she snatched my phone out of my pocket whilst I was distracted with another student. I’m quite happy for some students to do this because I can look forward to a surprise batch of photos to check later. Obviously in this shot I had caught up with her to get my phone back.
Better than yesterday but I slept really badly, waking seemingly every 20 minutes or so and feeling either too hot or too cold. When I went out for coffee Noey commented that I looked better today, that yesterday I looked about 60 years old and today I look about 20! I’ll take compliments wherever I can get them.
It felt good to work with Thiban this morning and get the order placed for the High Voltage/Speech Odd split 12”. We were able to get that done before Amy and I headed into the city to see Grandmum and get lunch.
Today I’m grateful for:
A surprise rain last night that did the watering for us and helped clean the air of the layer of smoke descending from the mountains.
The best thing about today was:
Still being alive. Many others didn’t make it today.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy invited me into the room to see her grandmum. I didn’t want to go but felt obliged to. She looks like a skeleton, just bones and motionless except gasping for air. I couldn’t stay.
A minute later, Amy let out a scream and everyone came running. As mum comforts grandmum, saying it’s ok to go, but life wants to hold on. Shallow breath returns but how long can death be put off and is it worth it? There’s nothing to look forward to except another gulp of breath.
Another minute later and she’s gone.
I don’t know what the etiquette is now or how to help. I feel useless. This once vibrant body is off on its final disintegration and I don’t wish to acknowledge that this is my fate. Everyone’s fate. I feel empty in my stomach.
I don’t cry for grandmum, for Amy or her family. I cry for my own useless self.
Something I learned today?
It seems that the best option for the nomeansno book is to order it on Amazon but as money is short this month it will have to wait.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Of course, today took a turn and I did as Amy instructed without complaint despite still feeling dizzy and tired by around 4pm. Lots of running around picking up things for the temple. This will be the way for tonight and the following three nights before the last prayers and trip to the crematorium.
I took this picture of Grandmum’s photos that we took to the flower shop and will be used alongside the wreaths for her funeral. Her younger self; a beautiful Chinese-looking lady, though I think the Chinese heritage was on the grandfather’s side. The picture on the right was how I knew her. She always offered me food when I saw her. I held her hand when we went out to restaurants or visited the temple, her skin was so soft and smooth that it was hard to believe she was the age she was. She would have been 92 in March. A good run but as I approach my own end it doesn’t seem like it is even close to enough.
The future is behind me Invisible to the eye The past keeps coming Towards me until I die
Understanding is backwards Yet life is straight ahead In the end, it’s all done When it’s all been said
Today I’m feeling:
A little edgy due to lack of sleep. I kept waking up whilst having wild and unusual dreams. I forget their story but have kept the feeling as I woke. It’s a little disconcerting. Leg exercise and stomach stretching was good and easy. My shoulders are feeling a little better but not sure that they will be fully ok before next week when I’d like to get back to arm and shoulder exercises again.
Today I’m grateful for:
The teachers who helped me with some little things today, such as finding a stapler and staples in the mess of the teacher’s room and sending the student list so that I could print out the student names for my new class.
I’m also grateful to my past self for downloading lots of useful English workbooks in the past and finding something useful to use for my new class. I already have too many ideas and I haven’t even met them yet or know what their skill levels are. I’ll soon find out though – first class tomorrow.
The best thing about today was:
An interesting comment from Kru Karn when I expressed concern for one of my students that she looks after. She off-handedly said that most teachers don’t care that much about the students, implying that I do. I don’t know if she was congratulating or criticising but I took it as a matter of pride. As an average, untrained English teacher I make it a point to at least care about the students and the job that I’m employed to do.
A late update as I’ve just hopped into bed with delectable-smelling clean sheets and anticipating this, I used the expensive shower gel that smells like glitter and glamour. I’m soft and snug, smelling of champagne!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My grade 7 class was a little out of control, still in holiday mode. I have the feeling it will be like this until the end of the semester with this grade. I didn’t push them too hard today, just prepping them for the real work on Friday.
Something I learned today?
The Ancient Romans used to drop a piece of toast into their wine for good health, which is why we ‘raise a toast’.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
After my grade 10 students had completed their work for me I helped them with a speech that they had to do for another class later today. I recorded the speech myself so that they could copy my pronunciation and I sat with them as they practiced and gave them tips.
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
Somehow I wonder if I might relax a little knowing this.
Without knowing this, of course, I may die suddenly tomorrow. I should relax now!
Would I keep working? I enjoy what I’m doing right now but with a known time limit what else could I do in the meantime? Would travelling the world feel satisfactory or would it just feel meaningless? Do I even know how to enjoy myself anymore!
I think perhaps I would go travelling but on a nostalgia trip and also to catch up with old friends and have one last conversation.
I don’t think I would just fuck everything off and spend the time decadently. Maybe a little!
I took this picture because this weird little cactus at House appears to have the Christmas spirit.
Pretty good and positive but have a little bit of a sore throat which hopefully doesn’t develop further. This morning though it’s hella hot and humid and most of the booths for the Open House are out in the sun and students are dripping sweat from their faces and I’ve sought refuge at House for a couple of hours.
Today I’m grateful for:
The Hokkaido milk ice cream waiting in the new freezer for a refreshing afternoon treat in this dripping melting heat.
The best thing about today was:
The afternoon concert finale to the school Open House when the students let themselves go a little and got a friendly teenage mosh pit going to their favourite songs and as I tried to encourage my shy students to join, my more outgoing students tried to drag me in to join them too. It was an excellent afternoon of happiness and joy.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The ferocious mosquitos as the sun sets are a reminder that not everything is great in this paradise. Just as the sun goes down the temperature becomes perfect to enjoy being outside (getting some gardening done, enjoying a meal or just relaxing in a hammock) and all is well and good except for those blood-sucking critters. They do settle down a little about an hour after sunset but they still lurk.
I handled them by acceptance and wildly flailing my arms whilst I was hosing down the bricks outside the kitchen. I came back inside covered in red welts and hope that they fed themselves so fat on my blood that they were too drunk to fly.
Something I learned today?
At breakfast, I learned a little about the post-Beats, the Barbarian Poets and read a cool poem by Julia Vinograd called ‘For The Cafe Babar Poetry Reading’. Later I read about why space telescopes are stationed at the Lagrange point, L2, to block sunlight and orbit at the same speed as Earth due to gravitational pull.
Imagine three things that could go wrong in the next 24 hours.
I could be seriously injured in a car or motorbike crash.
I could be fired from my job.
Amy’s grandmum could pass away.
Being seriously injured would certainly be a drag here in Thailand. If I was conscious I would request to be taken to Bangkok Hospital as I believe the care there would be superior though the cost would match too. There are cheaper options but it’s better not to scrimp when it comes to health. I would hope to get some reading in during a recovery period!
Getting fired would also be a drag of course as I’m really enjoying what I’m doing these days. I think if I couldn’t find another job teaching junior/high school here I would give up and help Amy figure out what we could do here at home.
Amy’s grandmum passing away is likely to happen soon and I can see Amy is already mentally preparing for it. She talked about how her grandmum helped her when she was little and she’s upset to see her confined to a bed and slowly withering away.
This text is a mental preparation for possible futures. Best to be ready for what the world throws at you.
Nong Fern took this action shot because she and her classmates wanted me to dance with them.
Where the waters glisten night and day With all the pearls of wisdom on display There’s a bridge over untroubled waves That draws the diamonds a gambler craves
Awash with stories, a rain with dice There are twenty floors of a winner’s advice A promise of the life richly deserved Park your dreams in the spot reserved
Pearly smiles are this devil’s greeting The chase of the highs is forever fleeting One more roll, one more spin or turn The future is no longer of concern From the shore or dreams, ships depart Into the mists of the broken heart
Today I’m feeling:
A little anxious about all the things that need to be done when we get back home but also thankful that home is there waiting for me.
(Later) Amy was straight into cleaning mode so I dashed out for coffee revival at Utopia. Once back home though I got sucked into the whirlwind.
Today I’m grateful for:
The hotel staff who helped us in the morning, the taxi driver who told us about his BYD electric car, the Thai Smile check-in staff who was very helpful with our bags, the airport staff we interacted with, the pilots for flying us home, the cabin crew who gave us a snack and water, Aing for picking us up at the airport on time, Now for washing the car (badly but I appreciate the effort), Art for a great first coffee home, the seller for his fish for our dinner. All the people in and out of my space that didn’t kill me today.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling positive and content despite all our running around. Getting back to our home was a little strange for a moment but when I jumped on the bike to go to Utopia I suddenly felt free again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Aing and Now had two friends staying over and asked if they could stay for a couple more days. For me, it doesn’t really matter as we are still busy running around and Amy didn’t have any problem either except when we met them they didn’t say anything except hello. Amy was upset about that and I tried to rationalise it away. It’s pretty Thai style but still…
Also, despite us just getting back we had to drive into the city for dinner at Amy’s parents as her brother was here for the weekend and flies back early in the morning. It was literally, drive there, eat and drive back!
Something I learned today?
I caught up with all my Substack reading over the last couple of days so lots of stuff went into my eyes and possibly made it to my brain. I think I read one article twice without even realising it. Anyway, one thing that I do recall is a breakthrough in quantum computing. I don’t understand exactly what the machine was doing but the computation took one-millionth of a second whereas it was estimated it would take our current fastest supercomputer ten billion years to complete! That’s outrageous! But will it be useful? Time will tell.
What’s my earliest childhood memory?
I’ve answered this before and I’m a little curious if I would say the same thing now. It must be something from living in Bransty, Whitehaven. I have quite a few memories from there but can’t quite put them in order. The most important memory is from when I was 4 years old (and I even wonder now if that’s right but I’ve made it that age over the times I’ve recalled it) and crying because I didn’t want to die. I assume this may have been triggered by talking to my mum about why I didn’t have a father like other kids. Learning about death is pretty traumatic for a four-year-old.
I took this picture because I’m back home and our giant asparagus plant thing is about to do something. I don’t recall there being amazing flowers but it’s obviously part of its reproduction cycle. The other one that grew before hasn’t flowered again since it did back three or four years ago.
So tired this morning as I didn’t sleep well. Being back together in the cool aircon of our bedroom proper was nice and saw us off to sleep nicely with Cap joining us but, Cap being Cap, he wanted to go in and out a couple of times during the night which meant me opening and closing the door for him. The last time it was almost light so I left the door ajar for him but Tigger also came in and Amy woke up to find him peeing on her bed. First day back and already these cats treat our fresh-smelling beds as their toilets.
Of course, I got into trouble (with Amy) for leaving the door open. I delayed my alarm to allow an extra 15 minutes of tossing and turning and I would dearly love to be back in bed sleeping more right now.
Today I’m grateful for:
The cafe next door to school changed its policy for every tenth coffee free, getting rid of it completely. I cried that I only had two more to go and then said, how about today for free? To which they agreed and I went away happy. As usual, the taste of their coffee is awful but it has a hell of a caffeine hit.
The best thing about today was:
Finding out that there is some event tomorrow morning and it’s optional whether to teach or not. I will definitely not teach the first class and not sure about the second one yet. I’ll see how I and they feel tomorrow morning.
I ended up chatting to one of the students who said they thought that they would have to do some tasks which will take all morning so, what the hell? I doubt if it will take that long but I know they would prefer whatever it is they will be doing over sitting in a classroom anyway.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Many things out of my control today but I’m getting better at just going with it and not getting stressed about things. I can definitely feel that this has changed for me over the last couple of years.
Something I learned today?
I did 5 minutes research into overcoming sensitivity after being bullied and read that CBT is a suggested therapy to help. I will offer some advice and information to the student whom I talked with yesterday evening.
I took no pictures because my brain couldn’t expand enough into the spaces to find something interesting to take a picture of despite interesting things occurring around me. Now is the struggle to find interest in the minutiae, in the minor, in the greys and browns.
A bit more upbeat and lively today. I ended up having a reasonable sleep last night though woke up before my alarm. A quick workout and a cold shower got me going and I ended up at House preparing lessons for about three hours without feeling tired or bored.
Today I’m grateful for:
Eventually realising I could take the covers off the sofa cushions that have cat spray on them and I was able to wash them. Why didn’t I realise this before!?
The best thing about today was:
Getting in the zone whilst putting together lessons this morning at House. I ended up drinking three coffees whilst I was there. I’m starting to look forward to being back in the classroom.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I didn’t manage to finish writing this on Friday as I got distracted by reading comics instead. I’m handling it by updating here on Saturday morning. Some days are tough to write. Somehow the feeling is that nothing is important. Everything is just time wasted until it’s your turn to die. Yet still I strive. Because not all days feel like that. I sometimes envy happy people, funny people, warm inviting people. But it’s impossible for me to put on the act that would be required for me to be like that. I try to be sincere and true to myself. I want my brain to tell me I’m happy. Sometimes it works.
Something I learned today?
I saw a preliminary student list and thankfully most of the classes will have fewer students than last year and my M4 class (15/16-year-olds) only has 16 and 14 of them are girls. That class is looking like it will be a breeze.
7th June 2023 – I just finished a lesson with this class, which now only has 15 students as one boy left. It is indeed a breeze even though there are only two students with reasonable English. The rest are mature enough not to fuck it for everyone and they struggle through.
What was a small detail I noticed today?
I ate a tube of Pringles today and as neared the end I thought that I could use the tube to make a little birdhouse by cutting a hole in it. There are birds nesting everywhere around our house and there’s a spot between the panels and the roof I can put the tube and see if they go inside. They already have a bit of a messy nest up there and it would be fun to see if they adopt themselves into this new home.
7th June 2023 – They haven’t used it so far, preferring their mess of dried grass instead.
I took this picture because this is the school cat, Garfield. Almost the spitting image of little Kim and has a similar carefree attitude.
It would’ve been your birthday You would’ve got my call Wishing you more happiness No matter how small I guess it still is your birthday You’re just not here to see I miss you more each year And one day it will be me
Mum would’ve been 88 years old today.
Today I’m feeling:
Similar to yesterday, though a little tired due to not sleeping until about 2am but still trying to wake up early. I’m trying to get up at 8 am but didn’t make it until 9 this morning.
Today I’m grateful for:
Surprise messages from my students Nam and Anchan, Anchan asking me for advice on love. Unsure if I’m the best to be asking for advice I think I said it well.
She asked:”Do you think age affects love? For example, there is a kid in middle school. And the person he talks to or likes is in college. Do you think it’s possible?”
I took her meaning to be that it is her in middle school (she is 13) and is interested in someone older (maybe 18 or 19).
“Yes, I think age affects love.
As we get older and have more experiences we get a better understanding of it’s meaning. But only if we learn from our mistakes and don’t keep repeating them.
We learn what deep unconditional love means. We also learn the difference between love and sex.
At your age, you are curious about both, love and sex. I advise you to be cautious. Learn about the person you are interested in before committing your heart or your body to someone.
You are smart and more mature than others of your age. This makes you attractive to older boys. But without experience, it may also be easy for them to manipulate you into doing something you may regret. So, take it slow. You have lots of time, more than you realise.”
The best thing about today was:
A storm! Finally! After almost hitting 40 degrees again, the afternoon skies darkened though it still seemed likely this would be another apparition. Then came the wind and eventually peals of thunder rolled over the mountains bringing precious rain.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The storm picked up and the tall cactus fell over in its pot. The wind was now going sideways and the roof over the entertainment area rattled its objection until finally part of it ripped free clapping against itself as loud as the thunder. I ran to it and tried to hold it down when the wind switched around and blew it flat again but my weak fingers were no match for the power of the storm. As I was grabbing at it my fingers slammed against the metal frame and cold water poured down my arms in the channel my grip was making in the roof. After a couple of minutes of the roof ripping out of my hands, I found a breeze block and pushed it on the frame and part of the roof that was still secure. How was I going to get it on the roof to hold it down though? There was a tiny gap about my finger’s width, if I pulled the roof down again and then I could inch the block over slowly. This took a couple of attempts and it finally seemed to be working. The wind was also dissipating and I caught my breath investigating further damage. The papaya tree was uprooted again, this time in a different direction than last year’s uprooting. The garage gutter reminded me of its dodgy joins leaking over everything in the shed but that was not so unexpected. As the rain trailed off the thunder continued rattling the windows of the house and I came indoors shivering wet, pants completely soaked, covered in leaves and bleeding at the wrist. I did, however, feel invigorated, much like the visit to the waterfall. I took a shower and threw my wet clothes in the washing machine.
Something I learned today?
The proposed 300 baht arrival tax in Thailand has been delayed because wants the money but has been trying to get the airlines to do the work. Rightly, they said it was impossible. Next, the idea was for the hotels to do it. Rightly, they told them to shove it!
What is something I am grateful to have learned recently?
I have been reminded of the tragic lesson of death. I don’t feel grateful for its tap on the shoulder right now but perhaps I will in the future.
I took this picture because P’ti was looking all relaxed and handsome here, as ever, by the door at Utopia. He is fascinated with what is through the window. At what is only briefly accessible. P’ti is about the same age as Kim Chi and we once brought Kim here on the way to the vet where they met each other for a moment. I hope P’ti lives a long life and brings more happiness to the world he inhabits.
This cracked mirror shows The holes in the heart Pieces drop to the floor As the jigsaw falls apart Put back together again It’s never quite the same Like a missing memory It’s difficult to explain Reorder, reimagined Ghosts fill the floors A handful of smoke Rushes through closing doors Voices in the distance Are illusions of the past Clear out all the cobwebs These confusions will not last
Today I’m feeling:
Sad, down, and a little lonely. Our two Aussie cats are lovely but they never come and rub me nose-to-nose or come and settle on my lap. Kim Chi is everywhere in my memory but I want her here in my house. Sigh.
Today I’m grateful for:
Finding olive oil in the kitchen so I could roast potatoes, pumpkin and onion for lunch. My first proper meal since Friday. I didn’t see the bottle where I was expecting but later found it on top of a cabinet. It saved me a trip out. I’m not much in the mood for going out though I know I should . The best thing about today was:
Despite what I said above about having no mood to go out I can’t stop myself from coffee. At Utopia Boss was hungover so Noey made my coffees and though she’s still practising they tasted fine. I chatted with her for a bit, conscious that I was just distracting my thoughts.
When I got home I called Hayden and asked him just to talk to me to distract me too. He is sounding good and seems to have come around to the offer of taking a permanent part-time position with his work. He’s starting to listen more to the advice Bronwyn and I give him though we know it can take a few days for him to run it through his mind. He asked if I wanted to talk about Kim and I said maybe next time and after hanging up I couldn’t hold back the tears.
As I imagine many people reading this, some will think what is the big deal it’s just a cat, and other cat owners will understand. But I ask myself, why am I so upset? I often consider the fact that we are all going to die and have talked with Amy about being prepared for our cat’s passing. So, something was special about the love I have for Kim Chi. I’ve always rooted for the underdog and when she came into our lives she was very lucky. She could’ve ended up at a temple totally defenceless against other cats and dogs. Instead, she got to spend her short life in relative happiness with us. For some reason, she attached herself more to me than Amy and after Amy went to Australia I guess I was pouring all my love into little Kim.
I cried out for her. Where are you, Kim? I pretended she was in her favourite box in the walk-in and was rubbing her head and tickling her tummy. I opened a gap between my hanging shirts hoping to see her little face once more, looking out sleepily before settling back into a new position. Where are you, Kim?
I know your body is in the ground here. But where are you?
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Apart from my grief, there’s nothing in particular out of my control today. I’m also not really doing anything either.
Something I learned today?
Apparently, Zelensky has said that if Bakhmut falls to Russia then Ukraine will have to sue for peace. This whole war was a waste of time and lives and some people have gotten very rich from it. Humans can be shit.
What is something I love about this season?
In north Thailand, there is nothing much to love about this season. The forecast is for a heatwave for the whole month which likely means no rain to clear the poisonous smoke. I guess there are still good strawberries around but it’s little consolation.
I put this picture here because this is the last picture I took when Kim was alive. One of the spots she loved to sit and annoy Cap from, or to launch herself off around the house on a mad chase.
I’ll hold you closer from now That my heart is broken Smell deep your essence Hold tight your hand Share thoughts left unspoken
We walk this path together Against all sickness to fight Step in my steps Hold tight my hand Jump off the edge in flight (my angels)
Today I’m feeling:
Very sad.
Today I’m grateful for:
The time I got to share with Kim Chi. Somehow she became my favourite cat. Time is not enough.
The best thing about today was:
…
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I guess that’s obvious. The emotion of grief is so strong. By the evening I was thinking about when I lost Steve and Kimi and how I’d felt then, comforted by the fact that I’m capable of getting over it. Now I’m still full of sadness and tomorrow things will be a little better and the day after that. I know I have to go through it and will have to go through it again in the future.
I also remember when my first cat died I didn’t have so much grief then, at least not that I remember. I think I was about 19 or 20 and I saw my cat suffering and was upset that the vet didn’t put him down straight away. I guess my anger replaced my grief in that instance. I’m glad that Kim didn’t seem to be suffering at the end.
I also think about filling that space left by Kim by getting another cat but I know that’s not a solution. I love our two cats we brought from Australia and they have been with us for more than a decade already. This grief will come again I know. They both have their own personalities and neither are really lap cats like Kim was a lot of the time. Cap stays around but doesn’t like being picked up. Tig loves rolling around in our garden. They are both very happy here which makes me happy too.
Something I learned today?
Death is just a whisper away.
What was the highlight of my day?
Hardly a highlight but I got to touch and stroke Kim’s lifeless body. I kissed her head and could smell her familiar smell. I covered her body with my old Idylls t-shirt and buried her in my favourite spot in the garden with a plant to mark her grave. Now I’m grieving and grieving hard. She was such a special little cat for me and she always showed me her love and affection. There’s an empty space here now that I know will soon fill again but right now I can’t stop my tears.
1994ever 