Tag: death

Defenders of the world we make believe in – 5th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

This morning’s breakfast was interrupted by a special cat delivery of a small baby bird. Once extracted from her mouth the bird attempted to fly away but couldn’t get too far. Some missing feathers, some blood and maybe a broken wing. Better the delivery was already dead. Now we will guiltily try to nurse this baby back to health or comfort it to its demise.

When bleeding lizards and frogs are delivered we simply throw them back in the long grass. What makes us more sympathetic towards some animals over others? In the same way, meat eaters think it’s disgusting to eat cats and dogs. Why I can justify eating fish to myself?

On returning home in the afternoon, the baby bird had indeed demised. The killer (pictured above in gentler days) strutted around oblivious to Amy’s admonishments and sadness. It was dinner time. “Feed me!”

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to see the sunrise over the hills. This morning I videoed it for a couple of minutes. It was beautiful.

To-do list

  • Always keep a look out for photo opportunities ½
  • Finish week 5 Coursera ½
  • Write new blog post ✅
  • Buy a small cutting knife somewhere
  • 3 acts of kindness ½

After waking up feeling reasonably well, doing some squats and meditation, I enjoyed my breakfast and videoed the sunrise.

I felt a little dizzy but nothing too bad. I sat down at my desk at school and without even realising, sat reading, coughing and sneezing all the while. Kru Noon gave me some ginger and lemongrass tea and honey and lemon water for which I was grateful. However, my symptoms just got worse along with an annoying headache.

As I was at school already I decided to do my lessons and go to the doctor and get checked up at 2.30 pm. My first lesson deteriorated and I totally lost my temper with the class. It had the desired effect of shutting them up for a bit but I don’t think it served any of us very well.

I calmed down for the next two classes but couldn’t wait to leave. The doctor said it’s just a common cold and gave me some medicine but I decided not to go to school tomorrow as I have to be well to drive to Chiang Mai on Friday. So, all alarms off and time for a good sleep, hopefully.

I got some bits and pieces done today but just ended up watching a movie when I got home. It was Burden of Dreams. The story of the making of Fitzcarraldo. Both films are great and it’s amazing how the story of the movie is replicated in real life.

Tomorrow I won’t push myself too much.

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #23 – 1st February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Music from 65daysofstatic, Stormy Six, The Controllers, Kerosene 454, Jawbreaker, Die! Die! Die!, Death, Minutemen, Beefeater, Red Cross, Necros, Hanadensha, Versus, Au Pairs, The Paper Chase, Blast, Soul Inc.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to see my friend Fern again.

Take a good hard look at people’s ruling principle, especially of the wise, what they run away from, and what they seek out.

Marcus Aurelius

Weight: 80.3kg
Resting heart rate: 44

To-do list

  • Record TCRAH/upload. ½
  • Put together card for Kru Noon.
  • Do more drawing practice.
  • Do the Coursera meditation. ✅
  • Enjoy evening with Amy, Aing and Gus.

Well, looking at these five challenges it seems like I didn’t do much yesterday!

I did spend a bit more time reading as I was diving into the book about a girl’s abduction and trying to imagine myself in her position. I wanted to try to write down being there and all the thoughts going through my mind.

Later, I compared it with being a prisoner within your own mind – a place we can never escape.

I sorted out more CDs and feel that that task is getting closer to completion.

By the evening and time to go out, I was feeling very relaxed and happy.

As we were driving to the evening festival Amy got upset because I didn’t drive the way, the direction, she wanted. Her anger got more and more and I felt very embarrassed in front of Aing, Gus and Nu. There was no real need for it and I tried to brush it off as best I could.

Unfortunately, I was only able to do this for a short time until I felt sadness and anger too. I had to go and sit by myself for 5 minutes and calm my mind. I felt better when I returned but by then I was exhausted. Amy had a few beers and was happy though I was worried that she would drink too much and start getting violent with me again.

Things were ok though Amy was getting louder and I just felt like I wanted to be somewhere quiet. The noise of the festival was relentless, from every direction and incoherent. It gave me a headache. I tried to constantly talk myself in a positive headspace but it just got worse as Amy loudly tried to put me down in front of the others again. I couldn’t/didn’t want to have an argument in front of others and Amy knew this and used it to her advantage.

We got home and things had calmed down until Amy came and started on me again. I was tired and cranky by this point and bit back and we went to sleep unhappy with each other. I feel like there is something else behind this behaviour, not just a desire to try and control me.

I’d like to talk with Amy about this but will have to find the right time and try not to just get into another argument.

Something else that has been bothering me is Amy always talking about how all the money is with her and everything is in her name. At first, it was just a bit of fun but I’m not amused anymore. It feels like a fascist hold over me. I’m ok for her to take care of all that stuff but I don’t need reminding of it every week.

Again, I think Amy is not happy these days and doing these actions to compensate. I’d just like to see her happy and positive again – preferably without alcohol.

We got that attitude! – 26th January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

I am so happy and grateful to my Mum for all her hard work. She loved her work making knitwear. I am so happy and grateful to all the partners in my life, those who helped me grow one way or another. I am so happy and grateful to all my work colleagues, even though I didn’t get involved so much in their lives I could still learn things from them, whether I liked them or not.

…a limit of time is fixed for you and if you do not use it for clearing away the clouds from your mind, it will go and you will go with it and it will never return.

Marcus Aurelius

To-do list

  • Go out and enjoy time with Amy ✅
  • Meditate in my room ✅
  • Cut up stickers, put some up in the city ½
  • Go to gym
  • Random act of kindness

The day disappeared so quickly after taking the opportunity to sleep in until 8 am.

I enjoyed time in my room in the morning, then teaching in the afternoon and Amy and I had a great time in the city despite how tired I was.

I’m not sure how I’ll feel tomorrow but I should only have one lesson to teach in the afternoon anyway.

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #22 – 25th January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Music from Aksak Maboul, North of America, The Milkshakes, Lungfish, UXA, Tipographica, The Cramps, Ex-Models, Magma, Cicala Mvta, Cicatriz En La Matriz, Trick Cigarettes, Neutral Sons, Karminsky Experience, Undertones.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the sun this morning. It’s cold again so sitting in the sun feels good on my face.

In order to live at all one must come to terms with non-living.

Analysis of Levin, Anna Karenina

To-do list

  • Record new TCRAH ✅
  • Go to the gym in the morning
  • Try to pick Amy up
  • Visualise and review the day hour-by-hour
  • Spent time enjoying the room ½

Today got derailed somewhat as Amy and I had a minor fight before Amy even got out of bed. She wanted to talk about my passport and it being delivered by DHL to Chiang Mai. I know this is on her mind but trying to think about serious things may be better done after getting up and being more prepared for the day.

This start left us both in a bad mood and I felt unmotivated to do what I had planned. After coffee, I had thought to go to the gym but just by chance, it was closed anyway.

We both picked ourselves up a bit by lunchtime but I felt a sort of relief to not be thinking too much about my daily challenges and practising more philosophical ideas.

Even though I enjoy the weekend teaching I am starting to feel a little like a machine. I’m not exhausted by it but would like more available contemplative time.

You do it once and you don’t like it and you do it twice and then you’re insulted – 20th November 2019

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

4th June 2022 – I was making these notes as I was studying in my classroom, as classes were going on and 10-year-olds were jumping around, screaming and playing. It looks like I was doing some free online course from Donald Robertson’s website and Laurie Santos’ course at Coursera. Writing this out again now is a good reminder. Things I know but forget to practice or implement. How to bring these reminders into my thinking more often? I must find a way.

ataraxia – a state of serenity that comes with always acting properly in the world
pathé – negative, disruptive emotions
eupatheiai – positive, constructive emotions

pathé
Negative emotions/bad judgements
Good/present – pleasure (hēdonē)
– an impulse toward something present now that is considered good but isn’t
Good/future – appetite (epithumia)
– an impulse toward something in the future that is considered good but isn’t
Bad/present – distress (lupé)
– an impulse away from something present now that is considered bad but isn’t
Bad/future – fear (phobos)
– an impulse away from something in the future that is considered bad but isn’t

4th June 2022 – curious about the origins of the word pathé and its connection to Pathé News, which is where I first knew the word, I see that the Greek is actually pathē. It looks like the origin of the news name is from the surname of Charles Pathé so I wonder where his name came from and if it got bastardised over time for this minor change.

eupatheiai
Positive emotions
Good/present – joy (khara)
– an impulse toward something present now that is considered good and is, in fact, good
Good/future – reasonable wishing (boulēsis)
– an impulse toward some future thing regarded as good which is, in fact, good
Bad/present – n/a
Bad/future – caution(eulabeia)
– an impulse away from some future thing regarded as bad which is, in fact, bad

joy is opposite pleasure
reasonable wishing opposite appetite
caution opposite fear

within our power:
opinion
motivation
desire
aversion

not within our power:
our body
our property
our reputation
our workplace

impressions (phantasiai)
– judgements from previous experiences or subconscious thinking (cats are nice or cats are selfish)

assent(sunkatathesis)
– confirmation of the initial impression (cats are indeed selfish)

impulse (orgē)
– a movement of the will toward action that we feel because of having assented to a given impression
all emotions are impulses

4th June 2022 – it’s a kind of historical reassurance to see roots of English words such as fantasy and orgy and that their meanings have perservered. The meanings have persevered but us humans are still struggling to put these things into action.

impressions > assent > impulse
– impression is involuntary
– assent is the result of reflection
– impulse is voluntary

Provoked by the sight of a beautiful woman, you will discover the contrary power of self-restraint.
Faced with pain, you will discover the power of endurance.
If you are insulted, you discover patience.
In time, you will grow to be confident that there is not a single impression that you will not have the moral means to tolerate. (Enchiridion 10)

incorrect analysis:
impression – someone is insulting me
assent – it is awful to be insulted
impulse – I experience distress (lupē)

Don’t be angry. it’s pointless.

correct analysis:
impression – someone is opening their mouth and moving air
deny assent – movement of air cannot hurt me
impulse – none, just walk away

If you didn’t learn these things in order to demonstrate them in practice, what did you learn them for? (Discourses 1, 29.35)

Social connection
People with close social ties
– less vulnerable to early death
– more likely to survive fatal illness
– less likely to fall prey to stressful events
– appear to be happier

Trying to connect with strangers will make you happier and we mispredict this fact.
Shared experiences make us happier
– eye contact
– smiling
simple ways to practice

Time affluence vs $$
using time for something fulfilling is more important than spending that time to make $$
Wanting better stuff that we don’t want yet
– are there things that we should be wanting that we don’t realise?
– seek out opportunities for doing kind things
– random
– do extra/more

Mind wandering
The objective conditions of our lives have improved dramatically yet we haven’t gotten any happier.
Mind wandering appears to decrease happiness.
Practice moment-to-moment experiences.
As we’ve said for the last 30 years ‘Live in the now!’
Meditation should assist. Be more aware. Practice more.

Flow
You are in such an ecstatic state to such a point that you feel as though you almost don’t exist.
You have to enjoy what you are doing. You won’t be very good at it if you don’t.
You also have to feel you are contributing something worthwhile.
High skill + high challenge
Control Arousal
Flow

Mind control
Why do our minds wander?
Our default network is fast – it thinks outside the here and now
Meditation – turn your attention away from distracting thoughts and focus on a single point

Event + response = experience
“The last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance” – Victor Krankl
How?
– Realise you have the power
– Practice the responses
Mindfulness:
Attention – present moment
Attitude – acceptance

Meditate
1. Notice your breath
2. Mind wanders
– memories
– planning
– judging
3. Notice and accept
4. Go to 1

Attend to and accept any sensation you experience in response to the event, without making any judgement of the goodness/badness of the event.
Ask yourself – can I be ok with this feeling?

Stratagies for creating better habits
Put yourself in situations that benefit those habits (situation support)
– fix bad environments
– promote healthy environments and connect with people doing the same things
Set goals
– be specific – how to achieve your goal (who what why when where)
– good visualisation – especially the obstacles
– mental contrast against the acheivement
– if-then plan can lead to better goal attainment, implementation, intention

WOOP
Wish – think about your wish (goal)
Outcome – the best outcome
Obstacles – things that may stop you
Plan – if-then plan

Wish – to better control my emotions
Outcome – to be able to better deal with stressful and difficult situations without reacting to my initial emotions
Obstacles – I still want to be right. I still want to be better than everyone else. My ego gets in the way.
Plan – If I start to feel out of control then recognise this and pause, try to pause the conversation and make a decision later.

4th June 2022 – I think I have gotten better at this but not really sure if it is through practice. I feel like my attitude has developed, a little into a ‘ah, whatever’ apathy. I suppose each time I haven’t reacted I’ve been learning and then those situations just don’t arise in the first place. Am I trying to deny myself credit here? Ah, whatever!

Resistance never sleeps. It never slackens. It never goes away. The dragon must be slain anew every morning.

Steven Pressfield

virtue – bahviour showing high moral standard
moral – principles of right and wrong behaviour, the code of behaviour that is considered right and acceptable in a particular society
ethics – moral principles that govern a person’s behaviour
principles – a fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief
truth/true – in accordance with fact or reality
wisdom – the quality of having experience, knowledge and good judgement
values – one’s judgment of what is important in life

It is the privilege of the gods to want nothing and of godlike men to want little.

Diogenes

The forging of human love and human work is the labour of life.

Charles Tart (?)

Death is neither a good nor an evil; it delivers no category of fortune.

Seneca

What are the pros and cons of holding these beliefs?

  1. Dying doesn’t frighten me much
  2. It’s more important to have lived a good life than a long life
  3. Life and death are not intrinsically good or bad; it depends how we use them

Death
Perhaps you think it superfluous to learn something that can only be implemented once – this is the very reason we have to practice.
Picture your own death several times a day. Think of it in slightly different ways, at different times.
Going to bed be grateful for our lives so far.
Plan your day as if it were last chance to really live.
Contemplate the transience of all living things.

Death comes knocking at the poor man’s shack and the king’s palace alike.

Horace

Contemplate a good death.
Read Trial and Death of Socrates, Plato’s Apology or Crito or any short story about a Stoic death
1. Imagine you are in their shoes
2. What would you do? How would you feel?
3. Compare your actions to theirs.
What lessons can you draw from this exercise?

Tell yourself that death is inevitable and necessary.
Contemplate objectively, consider your death from a scientific perspective, a natural event.
Imagine what is under your control and exercise wisdom and virtue in the face of death.
How would a Stoic respond to the death I imagine facing?
Imagine your own funeral.

Golden pins are stuck into people out of boredom. The golden pins will be welcomed.

Dostoevsky

4th June 2022 – These exercises about death I haven’t gotten around to though my impending decline is often thought about in various abstract ways. I don’t feel like my life is over but that I have probably lived the best parts of it already. That’s not a sad or bad thing. The remaining years are more content and happy. I don’t feel the need to fight for things as I used to.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my cousin Sharon who took care of my mum so well before she passed away. Sharon did everything she could for her and went to great lengths to make sure my mum was as happy as she could be. I miss my mum a lot.

I walk my love in mornings gleam – 4th February 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 4 Comments

How to write this?  How to put my feelings into words, express my thoughts clearly.  Maybe I can’t.  So let’s just stick to the facts.

I was contemplating a visit to the UK before settling in to my new life in Thailand.  Knowing my mother was probably in her last year and the timing was kind of right, it had suddenly become a possibility. I know I wrote just recently that I wouldn’t go back but something, I’m not sure what, made me reconsider.  A couple of hours into my first night shift, I called my cousin, Sharon, to discuss.

Sharon was fine with the idea but did warn me that my mum was very ill now and it may not be the way I wanted to remember her.  The doctors at the hospital, knowing a little about my mum’s wishes, had given her a good dose of antibiotics that hadn’t helped her much, so the decision was to switch to morphine for pain reduction and for her body to fight for itself.  This seemed a good solution.  If she had the strength she would recover, if she didn’t, she would be comfortable.

About an hour later, Sharon messaged me saying she had been called urgently to the hospital and perhaps another hour later she sent through a message, carefully worded, “Your mum has just silently faded away.  No more struggle, just peace and tranquillity.”

Sharon had passed on my love whilst mum was still breathing and held her hand until she was gone.

Of course, this outcome was not unexpected, I guess we had all been gearing ourselves up for this moment and I was strangely calm.  I sat at work, contemplating, thinking, sad but not emotional.  I went over memories of my mother and they all provided me with comfort.  I’m grateful her end wasn’t an extended suffering, around the other dramas of the palliative care ward.  Grateful she had been happy in her last few months at the care home.  In fact, my sadness is countered by everything she did for me, knowing that she was proud of what her son had achieved in his life.  I will continue to make her proud.  I just wish I could share these things with her.

I called Amy.  She had just got back from an event and had had a couple or three beers and was in a tipsy chatty mood, so I let her talk and I sat and listened and loved her words, pouring out of her and into me.  I soaked up her love and thought to myself, my mum has gone but my life is still complete.  I have everything.  I am happy.

When Amy talked about my mum, I gently told her that she was gone and she couldn’t believe me.  She burst into tears and apologised for talking all about her night and herself.  I calmed her down, telling her it was just what I needed.  As she continued to cry though I could feel myself starting to crack.  I started pacing the office I was in and managed to stay positive.  Amy insisted we go back to the UK for the funeral and I agreed, though not particularly for the funeral part but it presents us with the right opportunity to catch up with what is left of the family – something I now feel compelled to do.

I finished off my night shift and when I got home set about making new plans.  As I was due to quit work in a few weeks anyway, it seemed to make sense not to bother coming back to Australia after going to the UK, instead ending up in Thailand.  My son, Hayden, was also due to visit me in Adelaide the week before I was going to leave.  So with a little bit of juggling and some flight changes, I’ll leave Adelaide to go to Brisbane to visit Hayden for a few days, then to Sydney, on to Thailand next, to pick up Amy to fly together to the UK.

All of this planning kept me busy and I ended up awake for around 30 hours before finally sleeping peacefully until the following morning, where I failed to get up with my alarm.  No hurry now.  No more work, no more night shifts.

Still calm inside, still quiet.  Doubled meds, finishing off the codeines.  I can’t wait to hold my little Amy in my arms again.

Goodbye mum.  Thank you for everything you did for me.

Love you, always.

I leave my home, I leave it in the care of a friend – 30th January 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Hoo-ee!  I woke up yesterday morning after 16-20 hours of restless sleep, through 42-degree heat, though a cool change was in the air, it hadn’t quite made it to the upstairs in our new house.  I was totally betwattled.

Even the first coffee was no cure and I lurched around the supermarket uncertain why exactly I was there.  I figured it out in the end and shopping done I contemplated going back to sleep again.  The second coffee finally kicked me into gear but I had nothing to do except some reading and waiting for the man to come and give us internet again.  I stayed awake with both fans blasting and kids shouting in their backyard, perhaps hunting the floppy-eared white rabbit I saw hopping down the street earlier.

In fact, by the time evening came round I was no longer sleepy, contemplating security in our new house and a message I got from my cousin Sharon, that my mother was sick again and back in the hospital.  I got to sleep what felt like just a couple of minutes before my alarm went off and here I am back at work again, dopey-eyed with spinning stars.

My mother suffers from COPD, basically what emphysema develops into.  She needs oxygen all the time now and gets chest infections very easily which knock her down.  The infections are usually fixed with a course of antibiotics but consistently return when they are finished.  It’s been like this for the last 12 months or so.

She finally had to leave her home and now lives in a nice care home.  She was sad to leave and lose the independence she loved but she understands she couldn’t go on there anymore as she needs fairly constant monitoring.  The sale of the house should cover her care home expenses for a few years.

Being a practical sort, my mother often told me not to return to the UK for her funeral as it is a waste of money.  Amy and Sharon have both asked me if I want to go and visit but, practically, there isn’t much I can do for her, she will feel upset that I spent a lot of money to visit and I think she doesn’t want me to see her so invalid.  She has always been so strong.

She has a Do Not Resuscitate order in place, saying she doesn’t want to hang around suffering and just being kept alive for the sake of it.  She saw that happen with her sister.  I hope she’s not suffering.

I did go and visit her about 18 months ago after she was taken to hospital for the first time.  She was still able to do things to take care of herself at that time and it was really nice to be able to sit back and relax in my old family home, just chat and watch TV.  I actually enjoyed being back in the UK, it was the tail end of summer so some days were comfortably warm but it was also nice to feel that clean English chill in the air some nights.  These are memories I would like to keep of the last time to see my mother.  Somewhat selfish I know.

My mother’s sickness it most likely smoking-related, though she quit about 20 years ago already, she had smoked for about 20 years before that.  With cigarettes always around I soon started pinching some and the few times she caught me smoking she couldn’t really say anything to deter me.  I finally stopped smoking myself when my son was born.  My own father died of smoking-related lung cancer before I was two years old.

Nobody passes the test of time – 19th January 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Time is short.  Our time is short.  Have you done everything you want to do yet?  What do you want to do?

Do you already look back at a life fulfilled?  Will anyone remember who you were once you’re gone?  Next year,  next century, next millennium?

images (3).jpg

The week has been ok.  It’s my last day of six twelve hour shifts, the last four as night shifts.  I’m tired and slightly out of it.

We are often reminded of our fragility.

There’s always a lyric that can be found to echo my thoughts.  Often, from Nomeansno.

Thin voices call out of thin air
“Do you really care?”
“Do you really care?”
There is no reason to be afraid
All of the bodies have been laid to rest
Nobody passes the test of time
The long climb
Into thin air
Thin air
There is no one there

You think you have time
You have no time

An image may be left in place
Of what was felt there is no trace
In words recited without a sound
By voices buried underground
There is no meaning to be found

 “Do you really care?”
There is no one there
You think you have time
You have no timeThere are no castles without ghosts
And no spirits without hope
But nobody passes the test of time
You stand in line, you have your place
Then in the space of moments fall
From again and again and again
To not at all
From again and again and again
To not at all
I do not fear the buried sounds
Of words that echo underground
A memory is a loaded gun
And I remember everyone

I remember you..

“Do you really care?”
There is no one there
“Why are you scared?”
There’s no one there
You’re clean, strong, and free
Like you always wanted to be
You’re alone, alone, alone
There is no one there

You make dust from sand – 17th January 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Each night shift I usually head out for my second coffee at around 10.30pm.  Obviously, there’s no coffee shops open but luckily the OTR service stations are 24/7 – their catchphrase is ‘We never close’.  Their coffee is not great but the caffeine quota is perfect.

There is an OTR about 15 minutes walk from the office so I can get a little exercise for bonus points too.  The first time I went there I just followed the main road which was a little dull and unexciting, as trucks roared past on their night runs from warehouses to stores and others returned home from their evening adventures.

I looked at the map and found a parallel back street that is a million miles away from the dull orangey-yellow flourescence of the main road.  The street lighting here is whiter and paler and mostly blocked out by trees.  Some places are pitch black underfoot and you have to step heavily to avoid tripping on pavers raised by the roots of the trees.  The other thing you notice is the quiet.  No one is around, not even cats seem to bother with this street.  You get a nervous excitement when someone else is walking on the street, will I get stabbed or punched or who knows.  I generally call out a ‘hey’ as I pass and usually just receive a surprised grunt in return.  Oh well.

Halfway down is one the opposite side I usually walk, there is a graveyard.  I didn’t think too much about it until one night I decided to take some pictures.  Some folks had decorated their relatives graves in Christmas lights which offers a jolly juxtaposition.  I considered how some people find graveyards spooky but I think that is a result of the gothic architecture of some of the memorial stones.  I mean what could happen here – everyone is dead already.

26239555_10158747586668504_5523052862651661837_n.jpg

There’s a nice graveyard near where I live.  Actually, Adelaide seems to be full of graveyards when I think about it.  Anyway, this one is almost like a landscaped park, sectioned off to cater to different ethnicities, cultures and religions.  Not so much of the olde Euro-gothic stonework.  I had a nice walk around there one evening, only saddened when I came across a marker for someone who had died young.  I thought about the lives these people lived, what they may have seen, which parts of the world they came from to get to Australia.  I used to look at people in random non-descript places, walking the street or wandering the shops, and zap myself into their heads and try to look through their eyes and take on their entire histories that brought them to this place, right here, right now.  A momentary flash of an existence that someone else lived, though nothing you can hold on to and maintain.  Now I mostly just ponder my own existence and how someone I never met or knew might browse my death mark one day and wonder about my life.  Round and round we go.

I was reminded of the times a few of us used to hang out drinking in a graveyard in Bournemouth before we would head to see a show at Capone’s just across the street.  The time when we had finished school forever and took our old textbooks there, burned them on an old grave and then got drunk to celebrate our freedom.

But down this street there is little sign of life and to me, it is the perfect playground for childish mischief.  But no kids are about, no underage drinkers in the park or graveyard, barely a barking dog or passing car.  Is everyone tucked up nice and early in their neat clean houses, living the dream?  Will I be doing that in my little piece of paradise being built in Thailand?

Talking of which, Amy was overrun with paint charts today, having to decide tonight the colours that would be in and outside our house.  She asked my opinion, and I’m pretty easy, so I just said paint everything inside white.  This is far too boring for her but she can’t tell if any colours that she does choose will work because it’s just too hard to imagine right now.  Again, as a typical man looking for a quick solution, I told her to choose what she wants and if it doesn’t work out we can just repaint it later, no problem.  I think by the time she went to bed she still hadn’t picked anything for the indoor colours.

Sleep in safety – 14th January 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

After my last night shift ended on Friday morning I managed to force myself to stay awake until about 5pm, with the aid of cheap coffees from the local service station.  I chucked down a couple of Panadeine in the hope they would ensure I didn’t wake up wide awake at 2am and they worked a treat.  I’d forgotten to take my alarm setting off from last week so I was gently awoken at 5.50am to a mellow Beastie Boys tune.  I picked up the phone and noticed Amy had sent a message whilst I was asleep.  The message was a little disconcerting:

“If I died tomorrow just do what you want to do OK.  Life is just today we don’t know what will happen.”

I still wanted to sleep some more but these words tumbled in and out of my consciousness.  What motivated these words with no context at all?  There was nothing I could do to answer this question right now and eventually I fell back to sleep for a few more hours.

Later she called me after she had just woken up.  She sounded sleepy but happy.  I asked her about her message and she told me she’d received some bad news about her school friend Fah.

I’ve met Fah a few times on previous visits to Thailand.  An attractive girl who loves to eat and drink in nice places and works for Thai Airways.  Last year she complained of stomach aches and went to the doctor to have some tests done.  They discovered she had cancer and that it was quite advanced already but still hoped to be able to treat it with chemotherapy.  She started that treatment but was often not healthy enough to be able to do it.  The bad news came this week that they found the cancer advanced to her pancreas and that is was untreatable.  She might only have 6 more months to live.  6 months ago she was fine (as far as she knew).

Amy said Fah’s parents were with her at the hospital in Bangkok and I mentioned how tragic it is for a parent to have to watch their child in pain and to lose them.  Amy told me that Fah’s only sibling, her brother, was killed in a car crash years ago when he was just 11 years old.

I thought of my mother and how I hoped that she wouldn’t have to go through anything like this.  She already lost her husband, my father, when I was just 18 months old.  I thought of my son and how I hoped that I wouldn’t have to go through anything like this too.

Amy and I agreed that she should go and visit Fah as soon as possible.   There’s nothing one can do, nothing one can say, except to give each other comfort.

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It’s interesting to be posting my old diary entries – I haven’t read them since they were written.  I can look back at certain events with a more distant eye and reflect on what my true motivations were at the time and ultimately how trivial they seem now that they are in the past.  It was so serious to me at the time.  I guess that’s the wisdom of age.

Right now though, I’m struggling with concentration and direction.  I can’t get all my thoughts out quick enough and will have to come back and try again tomorrow.