Email to TLJ:
TLJ
I hope you had nice dreams last night and not an SM nightmare. Are you all finished now? Happy with your work? It was hard to getup and out of bed this morning, just felt like laying in bed and reading comics and drinking cups of tea while the rain beat down on the window…..if I think about it hard enough I’m there. Maybe I’ll use up some more of those sick days. Toodle-oo
Shauny
Tag: dreams
Something’s gonna crack on your dreams tonight – 16th November 1994
Woke up this morning all excited because last night was the first time since Steve died that I’ve dreamt about him. Not some mega fantastic meaningful dream with some deep message (well, maybe not) so this is what happened.
I’m in the front room of a wooden shack type house and the front wall isn’t there, it’s like a big verandah and immediately outside it’s like a BMX dirt track, all rolling mounds and hills and there’s Steve riding on his bike up and down and around. We say hello and talk to each other like nothing has happened and I’m really pleased to be able to talk to him again.
It’s time for lunch and I turn around and Chrissy and Broni are sat at the table with lunch all prepared so I go to sit down grabbing an extra plate for Steve on the way. Chrissy realises what I’m thinking immediately and says “Steve’s not really here, you know”.
I woke up then and thought about getting up and writing it all down but opted, in my laziness, to try and get some more dreams in, which I did but no more about Steve. It could mean something, it could mean nothing but it felt great just having a moving image of Steve in my mind again.
This was after an exhausting day yesterday which involved us going to the pool, which we found is only a quarter of a mile away, to practice that thing I’d vowed never to learn some years ago, thinking why would you need to know how to swim in England, not knowing then my future and heading towards such wild and pretty beaches and rivers and ocean in Australia.
So for an hour we swam up and down and under and round just having fun, getting our bodies slowly into shape, not some long haul 100 length job, god forbid, I can’t even manage one length in one go yet! But I will, just you wait. And maybe all that exercise jogged my subconscious that Steve used to play football and do some weight training and always looked incredibly strong. In fact I’ve got some lead for taking up indoor soccer (yes, it’s called soccer over here) which I may persue when I get a bit more stamina.
Destiny – 17th August 1994
What mad destiny brought us here?
Deluded dreams and corners turned
What courage fought away the fear
To see the many paths we burned?
We look behind to see the past
Happy that it is where it belongs
Those times were never meant to last
And today we sing much happier songs
And dance we shall, jump and leap
With friends we have found and made
And when the time comes to sleep
We’ll dream what part destiny played
If ugliness is all you see you can just tear out your eyes – 16th August 1994
Five days is often too long a period of time to recall some events and with the blur of the weekend that passed, anything beyond is lost without a struggle, ‘cept I remember Broni had the Friday off work and we went into town. I remember the bookshop and that’s it! Lettuce and coriander also trigger those memory cells. Aha – recall we got stoned in the evening and a bottle of sparkling wine! Needless to say, we fell asleep after that!
On Saturday we found ourselves back in Southampton with the intention of sorting through poems with Rob but we got diverted by music and cooking for the bands playing tonight’s gig. Time flies by with some way cool conversation concerning certain columns for the next S.T.E. gig bulletin (and Rob’s cool one for the current bulletin).
Me and Broni go via Selinas to drop off our gear then give her a lift to the gig. Lots of people, lots of noise, standard gig by the S.T.E. standards, unfortunately, no bands really shine out except maybe Thirst who now sound much fuller with Phil moving over to second guitar and Crispin coming in on bass. More practice and confidence and they’ll be cool for sure.
Sooner or later (and me much drunker) we head back to Selina’s with support band Travis Cut in tow and things start to liven up and develop into a mini raging party with various people dancing round the dining room table to Rocket from the Crypt. The last time I see a clock, it’s about 2am, I’m sure I crawl up onto a bed in the middle of a conversation and curl into the fetal position only five minutes later but find out next day it was nearer 4 o’clock.
Awake at nine we find Rob crashed at the top of the stairs, no blanket, no nothing – mad boy! Rich at the bottom of the stairs claiming victory over sleep with a 6 o’clock touchdown after chatting to Selena through the last couple of hours. Johnny on the floor, who I take pity on by farting in his sleeping bag, much to Rich’s amusement and poor Johnny got relegated to the floor cause I wussed out on his bed, Broni joining me soon after apparently – I was out for the count!
Time doesn’t stand still for us anyway and before you can say Canned Heat we’re on the road again, this time too Welham Green, a tiny pretty village near St Albans, to meet another of Broni’s cousins, Purdy, her boyfriend, the strong silent softy Duncan, along with Piers and Isobel. We are zombied to some extent and the day takes on a very relaxing shape with a salad and quiche in the quiet garden while next door’s racing pigeons practice circle manoeuvers overhead and little ones running around keeping us entertained.
And here we got our first wedding gift – a beautiful blown glass bowl that we can only guess the expense of – amazing subtle colours that sparkle in the sunlight. And then, after Piers and Isobel depart, we walk off our lunch across fields, woods and streams, sun glorious in its life-bringing, the fields open up and reveal the earth and its true freedom (imprisoned and abused by man for most of us). Life couldn’t be simpler and lost I was in the beauty of it all.
And now as I write and in my dreams last night, one phrase repeats round and round my head, “If ugliness is all you see you can just tear out your eyes” (Flag of Democracy).
We get home after a 2 1/2 hour drive and slip-slide in the warm soothing waters of our bath before dozing off into dreamworld. Our minds reliving each second of each day to try and catch a memory and keep it and hold it forever (save writing it down), lost in the blur mostly. Write your book of dreams, friends.
Your thoughts are chosen, your world is advertising now – 25th March 1994
Here you are again dear reader. I’m currently sat here in the van waiting for my physio appointment. Some old man politely hassling me about how long I’m going to be parked here cos he wants to put his car here.
Had a weird dream last night that involved a known paedophile and bestial man who I saw running naked down a street chasing a pig. I was with a bunch of youngsters (11 to 12-year-olds) and to show them that this man was wrong I beat him the ground and pissed all over him! Knowing he’d be mad at me I ran to the next town and went to where I lived (?) with Martin B(!) on a houseboat(!!!). The man had got there already and had stolen Martin’s dog! Jeez, what does all that mean I wonder?
Me and my baby are often in dispute these days and I wonder what it is that’s changed. We are both of strong character but very forgiving so most arguments are laid to rest quickly but what is it that creates them? Is it being together every night? Is it how I am busy in the evenings and Broni just wants to relax? I can’t help busying myself, it’s the only time I get to do things that I like (ie reading, writing etc). I know these things are mostly to do on my own and in some ways that’s not fair but I do also take time and trouble to make Bronwyn happy. It is difficult living with someone even if you are as madly in love with each other as we are.
I wonder if things were any easier a hundred years ago when the men ruled the roost? I honestly don’t think I could do that in this day and age, though it seems plenty of people still do. I’m increasingly appalled by man’s treatment of women. Why is there a page three girl? Why so many (any) pornographic magazines? Women blatantly used to sell everything. Where in the world can I go to get away from it? Where do people live in some sort of harmony? With respect?
Sometimes I feel myself falling into these traps because they are ever present, bombarded at you from every media angle. What future for our children? So many decisions are made by few people who believe they know what’s best for the majority.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking about Rich and how it’d be nice if he loosened up a bit! He and Rob have their fair share of arguments I understand, and they live together. Rich tells me some of the tales but I must confess to not being very sympathetic. He’s on holiday in Europe right now so maybe that’ll relax him up a bit.
Mostly the other things on my mind involve Australia. Everyone’s wishing me luck for when I go. (Hey, I caught up with Little Crabby in Safeways and heard the latest gossip! His parents got divorced! Wow! Murray’s still the same and Jasper’s a pothead! Double wow! I remember he wouldn’t touch that stuff when I had it!). I can’t wait to get to Australia – I think it’s going to be a great adventure and a turning point in my life.
I heard someone talking about their destiny the other day and whether they put their success down to luck but he said it was just about making choices and he was positive in his thinking and therefore made the right choices. This is the way I will be and I know I’m making the right choice in going to Australia. I know that this country has little to offer me unless I want to work my ass off for the next 50 years (dying in the next 10 from stomach ulcers).
I’m in search of that harmonious world, not expecting to find but just happy searching.
I want to mention that Kerry has given up drinking and has slimmed down considerably over the last four weeks. I mention this on looking back at previous entries when she was drunk! Just wanted to put that straight.
The Week That Was – 21st January 1979
Highest Entry – Blondie – 6
18th Oct 2021 – It seems to be around this time that I was really starting to pay more attention to the charts and leaning further away from pop and disco tunes and towards louder raunchier music.
21st January 1979
Horray no school tomorrow
WO
22nd January 1979
Boring day
WHAT
23rd January 1979
Great, school bus didn’t come so I ain’t going to school
18th Oct 2021 – Already sarcastic, aged 11. Just looking at these words, they could be read as positive – ie – Awesome, no school! But I know that is not what I meant. The school bus didn’t come but I was still up and ready and waiting for it when I could’ve been sleeping in or getting up to whatever other nonsense I usually did on free mornings.
24th January 1979
School today
BLURP
Leeds 2-2 Soton (League Cup semi-final 2nd leg)
18th Oct 2021 – I’m pretty sure these were times when I could tell you all about football teams, players, scores etc even those I didn’t really follow. I think this was the time of Allan Clarke (Leeds) and Mick Channon (Southampton)?
25th January 1979
(1) Hit me with your rhythm stick, hit me, hit me
ID and the Blockheads
(6)
Once I had a love and it was a gas, soon found out had a heart of glass
Blondie
18th Oct 2021 – I loved that this Ian Dury song was number one, after 1978’s What a Waste was a favourite. Somehow I convinced my mum to buy me this single and I was thrilled that the b-side title was “There Ain’t Half Been Some Clever Bastards”, finding it very daring to have what was then considered a swear word in the name.
Blondie’s ‘Heart of Glass’ wasn’t my favourite song from Parallel Lines, which would have been one of the first albums I owned, again, after convincing my mum to buy for me. Anything that featured Debbie Harry and saw the chance of seeing her beautiful image on TV again was wholly supported by my imagination, which had already run wild after seeing the video for ‘Presence Dear’ where I was certain she was talking directly to me from the screen.
I dreamt that she was waiting for me by a particular tree in the woods and hurried that morning to go and meet her. I waited and waited, trying to feel her presence, almost ecstatic and a tingling in my pants that I was only just learning about.
I limped home ever so disappointed as my youthful hard-on waned in my tight pants but I didn’t give up hope.
26th January 1979
Got a new magazine called Superpop
HEYYY!
27th January 1979
Ipswich 0-0 Orient
Hey Nerds!
Rly
Tes
18th Oct 2021 – There are many codes in my diaries that I was sure I would remember the meaning of because they were ‘really important.’ A couple I’m still able to work out and I also left deciphering clues elsewhere in the pages but this entry I don’t know.
1994ever 