A smart-mouthed bad crazy-drunk Forgotten night of manic adventure Black-eyed slurred self-pity Another slug of ‘no surrender’
The door opened by the bottle Ushers safety within its cage Discard the day of tired dreams Darkness enlightens the stage
The truest friend ever found Til the comfort became a curse A body weighted in dilemma On a mission to submerse
Down, down under the table Joined by the rats and the finks Afraid of love, the amber’s pull Further into the ether sinks
Another sniff to calm the edges Eyes hidden from the light Til Jesus was doing cartwheels Across the lawn one night…
Submitted to AllPoetry.com competition of Walter Mosley’s Easy Rawlins quotes. Quote as prompt (and paraphrased):“Jesus was doing cartwheels across the lawn in the porch light.”
A sip on a brandy to warm before bed All the weekly beers still kept in the shed Put on another log to keep the fire burning The grandfather clock chimes our time turning
Another Sunday roast, all sat at the table A quiet word for all being so grateful Once were children running around playful Suddenly, time passes and no longer able
Inspired by Existential Comics 249 and my own formative years living at my grandparents’ house.
Today I’m feeling:
Great (once I got to school). I skipped exercise this morning and opted for an extra 30 minutes of rest.
Most of this week I’ve been waking up a little before my alarm but today was a sudden jolt and I took the lazy option. I know that I could’ve pushed through but thought that tonight I would not be able to relax so much as friends and family will be over to celebrate Amy’s birthday.
Once at school, there was a very good feeling as students prepared for Teacher’s Day to pay respect to us (though us farang teachers are not particularly included).
Baipad was back at school and happily showed me all the videos that she had taken at Chiang Mai Zoo. When I commented that she wasn’t in any videos or pictures she said that she didn’t like having her picture taken. I was like that too at her age but wish that I had more photos of myself from then.
Today I’m grateful for:
All the well wishes that I got from students throughout today, for Teachers Day.
The best thing about today was:
Dutchie asked me if he could call me P’Shaun instead of Kru Shaun. I didn’t think much about it at the time and said to call me anything except Lung Shaun!
P’ indicates something along the lines of older brother whilst Lung is uncle (usually associated with being old).
I wonder what their thinking is behind wanting to call me this but I’m taking it as a positive, that the kids feel that I am more a brother than a teacher.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
We had a nice big party that Amy told me she finished at 3.30 am. I crashed at around 11 pm I think, after having my first alcohol of the year, opening the Glenfiddich that Amy bought for me last year. The party meant I didn’t do any writing until now (Saturday morning) sitting at Utopia.
Something I learned today?
Bruno talked with Takky about applying for a bachelor’s at MFU. I wonder if he will follow through.
What is my favourite time of day?
My favourite time of day is usually the one that I’m in.
I try to make the best of whatever the situation may be. Getting up early for school or to travel, staying up late to read or watch something interesting. Stinking hot in the classroom or in an air-conned room.
Day or night, it’s all alright.
August took this picture because she called me over to play selfies.
A bit tired again, maybe from mentally preparing to get back into it with the kids again tomorrow. I’m excited to see everyone again.
Today I’m grateful for:
Twinkl having a free download day for their whole site. Perfect timing! I got a stack of role-play and conversation starters that I can go through and see if I can use in my new classes.
The best thing about today was:
Spending time out in my room, clearing out emails, writing and reading, sorting out files on computers and online and probably the top thing was playing guitar with the new strings that I put on yesterday. Sounds good again!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Our internet connection got fixed but it still seems a little shaky. I’m struggling to download some of these things from the Twinkl site because it’s so slow. I’m trying to handle it with patience! Mostly!
Something I learned today?
This morning Noey told me about a nice breakfast cafe in the city which had sourdough toast with avocado and smoked salmon. I’ll try it one day. It’s called In Am’s Kitchen.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I helped Amy with moving a big cactus from a pot to the ground but it was very clumsy and awkward. Hopefully, it doesn’t get blown over whilst waiting to get some deeper roots.
What have I been reading lately?
I’m two-thirds through Charles Shaar Murray’s Shoots From The Hip, today reading about The Boomtown Rats and Guy Stevens. It’s a nostalgic read about the wonders of the music business.
I’m halfway through The Decline of the British Empire, which is an amazing read but requires extended periods of concentration that I haven’t been making enough time for recently.
I’m still in the early stages of Goodbye 20th Century, the Sonic Youth biography but I’ve been skipping that and reading plenty of comics instead, 2000AD (still 21 years behind on that!), Judge Dredd Magazine, ALL of the New 52 comics (only up to 630 of 2500 comics so far!), Volume 1 of Shadowman, Heavy Metal (still in the 1978 issues – some of them are hard going) and I want to start Lucifer and 100 Bullets when I’ve finished Shadowman, Stray Bullets too.
I also have 4 books open on my laptop that I’m dipping into every now and then.
I took this picture last weekend at Chatuchak weekend market as there were plenty of tunnels of books to explore. No pictures today.
Pretty positive though my shoulder is giving me some gip. Something isn’t right in there and I can’t stretch or roll it out. I’ve done very little arm exercising for the last couple of months and may just try and push through the pain to get back to it.
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy and everything she does to make our house a home. I don’t want to take her for granted.
The best thing about today was:
My grade 10s not turning up for class allowing me time to organise another classes’ worksheets, staple them together and gift them back to the students. I felt good doing that, even if they just throw their work away. At least I made the effort to present their work back to them at the end of the semester.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I lost my cool with Amy when she got overexuberant whilst drunk. She was in a good mood and playful but I was tired and eating and when I didn’t know what she was doing as she tried to put her fingers in my mouth I pushed her arm away. Unfortunately that then set her off and blew up into a fight. Now we are both in a bad mood.
I will try to make her feel better but also just feel like going to bed and sleeping already. I don’t have much patience for drunken antics these days, I’m old and tired when it comes to that. It doesn’t fill me with excitement anymore.
Something I learned today?
2024 marks a special year for cicadas in the USA. It is the first time since 1803 that two specific broods of cicadas (one that emerges every 13 years, and one that emerges every 17) should be emerging together. This co-emergence won’t happen again for another 221 years.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
My vile deed was pushing Amy’s arm away and initiating a tiff. I should have been (even) more patient or be more assertive in a different manner.
I bought some cream chup-a-chups to give to my grade 9 students for their graduation ceremony tomorrow.
I took this picture because I got home to melting cats (again!)
Forgetting how shadows fell to the ground When winds blew the dust without a sound A solution so final was finally found And everyone thought ‘never again’ But it wasn’t a matter of if but when
Good in the morning after excellent coffee and a pleasant drive to Paew’s shop for the blessing lunch which was fine until I started to flag at about one pm.
I came home first and hopped into bed listening to jazzcore as I like to do on lazy weekends. I let the crazy music guide me into light lucid dreams occasionally lulled deeper.
Amy woke me up with all her friends coming back here to carry on the drinking and celebrating which is fine with me so long as they leave me out of it. I’ve hidden in my cave until it quiets down a little before trying to get to bed.
Today I’m grateful for:
Paew’s dad who is always happy to see me and practice his English despite every time I see him he is drunk and says the same things over. I can feel that he is sincere though.
The best thing about today was:
Finding that there are two new issues of Love and Rockets to read and also grabbing the last year’s worth of 2000ADs which I may get to reading in about five years’ time at the rate I’m going. I love comics.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy was happy that I was not bothered about her bringing her friends home to party despite me not feeling 100% and tired. It’s not a big deal. Our house is ideal for entertaining and has only been filled with me and the cats for most of the last two years.
I noticed a bit more recently that my hearing has deteriorated and I especially struggle when there’s lots of surrounding noise like there was at the lunch this afternoon. Maybe it will encourage me to listen more carefully.
Something I learned today?
Paew and Mee will go back to Bangkok soon. We thought that they might stay a while longer but it seems that despite living with their family the internal politics are causing them problems that are easier avoided by distance. We hoped they might just move out of the family home and stay somewhere nearby but that seems to have changed.
What is my favourite song right now?
I don’t listen to songs over and over like I used to. The only time I do that now is when playing along to songs on my guitar to practice my playing. I could still list about 50 songs that are favourites in that regard.
What are my personality traits?
I’ve been kicking this one along for a week or so. As the question is worded, my flippant answer is ‘all of them’ as surely we possess all the traits to some degree or other.
As I searched for a list of traits online to guide me to answer this question, it seems established that there are five main traits but diving deeper provides lists of anywhere between 20 and 721. So I thought I’d find an online test or two and see what the internet thinks my personality is.
Even this was a little disconcerting though as depth is difficult to consider. A question will trigger a memory where I would strongly agree or disagree with it at that particular time.
Yes, I need to answer the question as I feel about it right now but the past also has contributed to my current personality. All the doubts and worries of the past that I no longer have have made me what I am today.
First result:
Advocate INFJ-A
Advocates are quiet visionaries, often serving as inspiring and tireless idealists.
62% introverted – Introverted individuals tend to prefer fewer, yet deep and meaningful, social interactions and often feel drawn to calmer environments.
Advocates (INFJs) may be the rarest personality type of all, but they certainly leave their mark on the world. Idealistic and principled, they aren’t content to coast through life – they want to stand up and make a difference. For Advocate personalities, success doesn’t come from money or status but from seeking fulfilment, helping others, and being a force for good in the world.
59% INTUITIVE
41% OBSERVANT
Intuitive individuals are very imaginative, open-minded, and curious. They value originality and focus on hidden meanings and distant possibilities.
47% THINKING
53% FEELING
Feeling individuals value emotional expression and sensitivity. They place a lot of importance on empathy, social harmony, and cooperation.
63% JUDGING
37% PROSPECTING
Judging individuals are decisive, thorough, and highly organized. They value clarity, predictability, and closure, preferring structure and planning to spontaneity.
71% ASSERTIVE
29% TURBULENT
Assertive individuals are self-assured, even-tempered, and resistant to stress. They refuse to worry too much and tend to be self-confident when striving to achieve goals.
I’m not going to disagree with these results but also can’t help feeling that they seem horoscopic in that the words are generalised to a point that they could apply to anyone.
Second result:
The Lively Center of Attention
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who’s constantly in the centre of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who’ll always cheer them up and help them out.
This quiz was much less academic than the first. I can adapt the results to apply when it comes to dealing with my students but they don’t seem to equate much to the results of the first.
Ok, let’s try one more. This one is way more detailed.
Third result
Well, I took 10 minutes to answer 100 questions and at the end, the website wanted 20 dollars before giving me the results. Never mind.
What does that tell you about my personality? I’m a cheapskate and what some website thinks my personality might be isn’t that important to me.
No picture today once again but Hayden sent me this shot from his recent trip to Paris. I’m glad he’s getting to see a bit of the world.
I didn’t ask to be me Yet here I am Not excited or proud to be But that’s what I am Why can’t I be you There you are I like your point of view And what you are Together is community Made from many mes All signals of society The mes, the yous, the wes
inspired by the first paragraph of the introduction to Wallace Shawn’s Essays
Today I’m feeling:
I woke up feeling pretty great as the sun was coming up. Unfortunately, it was just the street lights from outside, I’d only slept for three hours and it was 1.30 in the morning.
I eventually got back to sleep and Amy woke me up again at around 10.30. I still wanted to sleep more but forced myself up.
Amy is showing me around the area now, like the tourist I’m actually feeling. I’d forgotten how big Australians are. Loud too!
A successful shopping expedition has me dressed for dinner tonight and the wedding on Saturday. I feel fucked though and will perhaps sleep a little despite three shots of Campos.
Today I’m grateful for:
Finding new shirts and pants at reasonable prices (for Australia) at Birkenhead Point. It’s nice to be in a place where there is lots of choice for me. In Thailand, it is difficult to find nice clothes in my size. Anything that really attracts me is usually made for skinny Thai boys.
The best thing about today was:
Doing 10000 steps without realising. In the evening after cocktails and tapas, we walked from Barangaroo to Haymarket then back through Chinatown and up George Street to catch the bus back. It was cold in the wind but perfect out of it.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Today was about going with the flow which meant letting go of control. Amy continued as my tour guide through new areas of the city and I enjoyed it very much.
One thing I noted was that just outside Paddy’s Market a family car had stopped in the middle of the road and a big old Ute couldn’t get past and the guy inside kept leaning on his horn. That doesn’t happen in country town Thailand. No one will toot their horn, they’ll just wait or even get out for a sticky beak to see what the situation is. I can imagine in Bangkok it’s a little different but that’s what I’m used to in sleepy Chiang Rai.
Something I learned today?
As Amy and I were walking up to the bus stop I could see that I have changed. I now walk much slower than her, now moving at the speed of a Tropic dweller, just as I remember having to slow down when visiting my friends in Malaysia.
The peculiarities of Australians feel mildly annoying but I know that that is my fault, not theirs. It is something that makes me feel like I’m a tourist again.
What am I nervous or anxious about?
I’m anxious about Amy’s return to Thailand and how she will deal with things. Anxious about next April and the air pollution and the possibility of being able to escape it for a while.
That’s about it really.
I took this picture because that’s not a bad view from the bar we’re drinking at.
No eagle, no lion, no predator The playground of hope is dark Clinging tightly to a rape whistle At night to cross the park
From the last to the lowest A place at the table is set Fighting for a share of pie When crumbs are all you’ll get
If the line is ever crossed To rise beyond the station allowed Conspirators will come to cut The tall poppies from the crowd
How may a little girl push the boulder Up the hill each day Without joining together to make Lighter work and play?
Bitter words spat out designed To keep the weakest divided Too late to change the rules of the game With a winner already decided
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty positive. Winding down my brain a little bit as the term ends. I could feel the exercise this morning getting easier and happy to see the body changes going on. When I try to convince some of my students to get some exercise I’m sympathetic to their feeling of lethargy and apathy as I was exactly the same but now I think more about how much better I might have felt in my formative years if I had kept up some proper exercise or even sport.
Today I’m grateful for:
The distortion and overdrive pedal board I have that make it fun to try and play along to noise rock bands. It gets so noisy I can’t tell how badly I’m playing!
The best thing about today was:
My grade 8 class knuckling down and helping each other to complete a task that many of them weren’t prepared for. If they had their books with them and had done all I asked each week then they could easily answer all the questions. I knew many who always forget their books or write on pieces of paper that they lose. Once those kids realised they were screwed they recruited their friends to help but then those kids were busy trying to complete the work. The idea is for the kids to remember to bring their book every time and that will help them. Did it work? A little, perhaps. The smart ones understood and they were free to go when they were done which put the pressure on the others. I enjoyed watching them and helping them when they needed it. For me, at least the class went well.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Everything felt like it was in control today. Not necessarily in my control but nothing really got derailed.
Something I learned today?
Russell Brand has been accused of sexual assault. Whether the accusations are true or not, it is interesting that this is happening now, some 15-20 years after the events, now he is straight, sober, rolling in money and challenging dominant media narratives.
He admits to many bad behaviours in his past and some of the accusations are disturbing and he should at least be held accountable for anything proven.
The investigation into these accusations was done by journalists. Why not by the police?
If I could change anything from my past, what would it be?
With the benefit of hindsight, I want to answer that there’s nothing. In reality, I often answer this question with ‘I wish I had gained wisdom faster and listened to what I was being told instead of being so pig-headed.’
But perhaps if I want to get specific, and again this is with the benefit of hindsight, I would change my drinking habit and despite having many great drunken times, wish I hadn’t used it as a crutch and exacerbated my depression.
When people told me exercise was good for depression I could only exercise my drinking arm. It was impossible to motivate myself through my constant stupor. I’m careful not to tell others so bluntly that they should exercise but just say to go for a walk if you can or start very slowly and not all out to burnout in a week.
I took this picture because as I’m often having days with no pictures I’m forcing myself to find things in the house to take pictures of. This is one piece from my tiny collection of Gloomy the Adult Bear paraphernalia that sits on top of the ledge of the living room door.
Never admit that the gods will win Even if you know it true It’s your dream you’re murdering If such you are admitting to Accept the contradiction So that the greatest art is created It’s a long line of tradition In which the battle is clearly stated Children born with great dreams Eyes turn cold when they learn Nothing is ever what it seems And for that, the heart must yearn The lovers and kings will dance and drink Until they can masquerade no more Because there comes a time to stop and think What was all that dancing for?
I slept so badly last night maybe because I had that nap that left me exhausted but also not helped by the humid air that even with the window open and the fan sucking in air did little to help. Woke up before my alarm and bumbled around before riding my pushbike to Utopia. Still not sure how I feel yet. (Later) I managed to get going and keep going until now, late afternoon, shopping and vacuuming and just now playing guitar and reading but my body is feeling like it will enjoy sleep again. Let’s just hope it is better than last night.
Today I’m grateful for:
Haagen and Mei for getting a very drunk Amy safely home tonight. I don’t like to see Amy like that, it looks like it has gone beyond happiness and towards oblivion. I’ll never ask her to stop drinking because I know she enjoys it so much but I would like her to moderate better. As I’m not drinking these days it is difficult for me to share her feeling and I find myself frustrated. I generally don’t like hanging around people when they have had too much to drink unless I feel compelled to take care of them. Of course, I will take care of Amy and I hope that sometime she will start to feel like me in that the hangovers counter the pleasure to a negative degree.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling better than yesterday though I am wondering if I may be sick with something. Last week there were free covid test kits in the teacher’s room as many people supposedly have had it recently. Also, a couple of my students have looked sick in my classes.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I asked Art to come with me to the aircon repair shop next door to Utopia and see if he could convince them to come and fix mine. This time the lady said that the mechanic was too busy. So it seems like he’s not sick anymore. Well, too bad for them. They did mention another aircon shop and Art sent little Art out to see if they could help but he soon came back and said that they close on Sundays. I really appreciate all the help they gave me and makes me feel that I have at least some friendly local acquaintances here. I will drop by that shop tomorrow afternoon and see if they can help me. I’d like to get it fixed before Amy comes back which we realised is only 4 weeks away now!
Something I learned today?
I watched a video of a mosh-style hardcore band (Speed) touring South East Asia and it reminded me of the documentary I took part in about ten years ago. Watching the reactions of the band members to the quirks of South East Asian life and the enthusiasm took me back to my own experiences and made me miss Kimi and the thought that I will find it hard to travel there again without him being around. Writing this also reminded me to contact Asikin, Kimi’s widow, which I just did.
How can I improve this moment?
Damn, I’m in bed, about to do some Thai study and a bit of reading before sleeping. The aircon seems to be working again (fan only) and I’m prepared for a good sleep. This moment may only be improved by actually being asleep. I will try to improve with some positive reflections to take into my dreams.
I took this picture because a couple of these mushrooms suddenly appeared overnight. No idea if they are edible and I’m not going to try.
The leaves turned brown since you left I sweep them away across the floor Piled up along with my memories As we said goodbye once more
On your return, the flowers will bloom And the bees buzz with more steel The ground spurts flowers where you step The unreal, once again, real
Today I’m feeling:
Satisfied and relaxed.
Today I’m grateful for:
The friendly people in the Lahu village, who gave Bruno and me a plate of fruit to eat whilst we curiously watched them playing a traditional spinning tops sport.
The best thing about today was:
Several moments of complete satisfaction seeing things on the ride today. Just the simple thing of seeing a couple of puppies follow their human mum across a dirt yard in a traditional wooden shack village surrounded by green and under a bright blue sky was the first in a series of sublime moments. Wonderful.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Nothing springs to mind as being out of my control today. Is that because I just accept everything for what it is or because I was in control of everything? I think the former is more likely than the latter.
Something I learned today?
I guessed I learned the route along the Mae Kok to the west of Chiang Rai and that it can be pretty and with reasonable roads when it’s dry. I’d do this ride again I think. I must’ve learned some minor bits and pieces from Bruno as we were riding and chatting but nothing that jumps out. I learned that Amy can fly from Bangkok to Sydney in the time it takes me to ride to Tha Ton and back!
What’s in the news today?
I have no real idea. I don’t watch any news much but may find out about certain things through YouTube videos and most of what I watch there is not about news but is sometimes commentary on certain current events. I don’t know what’s happening in Australia, the UK and particularly little in Thailand. Almost all news is irrelevant to my life.
I took this picture because these are the happy Lahu kids Bruno and I met next to the river somewhere between here and Tha Ton. They were so happy and surprised to see us.
Nice big long ride today as Amy was in the air back to Australia. Bruno and I left at around 9am and it was still cold to be riding but it wasn’t so unbearable.
As we got beyond our familiar tails, the sun was high and filling the valleys from edge to edge. Bamboo-lined dirt tracks ran parallel to the river, sometimes rising up to form a gorge and then down back towards water’s edge.
Roads were a mix of dirt, concrete, gravel and dust. We had to stop at one point and wait for a concrete pourer to finish pouring a new section of the randomly concreted road onto the regular dirt track. Villagers in this remote area bemusedly staring at the two farang visitors.
Even deeper into the valley we came across a Lahu village and gifted candy to the local kids, dressed in their traditional clothes as some event was going on. Women seemed to be up in a house on the hill whilst the men were playing a spinning top game on the playing field. These were big fist-sized tops, spun with a whipping rope. One spun an initial top and another tried to hit it with their own and then keep them spinning. We couldn’t quite make out the rules but it was fascinating to watch.
We continued on, following the road as it ran mostly next to the river and the concept of time vanished.
By the time we got to our destination – a border checkpoint with Myanmar – we’d been riding for three hours yet barely felt like 30 minutes.
The rare clear skies and clean air deepened all the colours and around every corner was a view, either majestic or curious and interesting.
At the checkpoint, which was way off the beaten track, we laughingly joked that we were likely to get shot, a friendly soldier (out of uniform, because it’s Saturday!) invited us in so long as we didn’t take pictures and besides some bunkers and fences, there wasn’t much going on. He said no one tries to come across here and all they are really charged with doing is fence maintenance. We noticed an awful lot of beer bottles around, which may be a clue to how chilled they were here.
After leaving we charged up on a coffee, which wasn’t tasty but the caffeine hit was superb. We motored on back along the highway, concerned to make it back before it got cold and dark again.
Once home it took me about an hour to get my hearing back and to warm up. Then I was faced with the food dilemma – back to taking care of myself again. What to eat? Luckily, Amy prepared many different dishes, waiting for me in the freezer.
Tonight is also cold enough to consider some shots of Glenmorangie. Ironic that now Amy is not here, I fancy a drink!
Racing to the rooftops Why is it colder closer to the sun? All around there’s silence As if this day had never begun Shattered constructions bleached Ghosts tread lightly long forgotten Every wheel that’s turned Cycles from beautiful to rotten All the dragons sleeping And here the lady forever lies Buried high on the earth Reaching toward the skies
That something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it.
Rainer Maria Rilke
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for today’s hangover. Reminding me not to waste any more time with alcohol. I didn’t drink a lot and it just put me to sleep and not a good sleep either.
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