I like to relax on my bed of nails, that’s one thing that almost never fails – 29th July 2020

Nothing stays the same, though we always try and force it. Is this the start of the pandemic era as some people are predicting? What is the ‘new normal’ and is it really any different to before?

I feel very lucky. After leaving the UK in 1994 my life, on reflection, has been a lucky and happy rollercoaster ride. Even the bottoms of the ride felt survivable, perhaps because at least there wasn’t a cold grey rain spitting in my face. Perhaps there were occasions where it didn’t feel survivable at that moment, but luckily I did, and so I have the possibility to reflect.

My journey is my own and my pronouncements can only be based on that experience, my judgements for myself, so take them with a pinch of salt. I did bad things, good things, stupid things, smart things. I see others doing the same. Who am I to judge?

I have definitely changed over the last 6 months and I’m not sure why. Or I should say, I’m not sure specifically why. I have implemented lots of minor habit changes and behaviour modifications and perhaps it is an accumulation of minor positive changes that have made the difference. So I can’t put it down to meditating, exercising or journalling specifically.

I decided to get up 45 minutes earlier than I need to in order to get to work. In that time I follow a flexible routine. I keep it flexible because I shouldn’t punish myself for not following it consistently.

First I use my exercise bands to help open up my shoulders and stretch my calves. Probably only a couple of minutes total. Next, I spend 5 to 10 minutes doing tests on my language apps (Drops and Mondly) – the aim is to break my current daily streak, learn some new words, possibly remember those words and reinforce this habit. The idea behind this is to create a sense of achievement as soon as possible in the morning and this sets you up for the rest of the day.

Next, I lay on the floor and stretch out my back, neck and hamstrings. A warm-up stretch more than anything, no more than a couple of minutes again. Just brushing off the tightness left over from sleep.

Then I use an app called Home Workout and all I do is the 5-minute morning warm-up exercise, 10 exercises to get your body moving and your heart rate raised just slightly. I may move onto harder exercise routines later but I’m not in any hurry. I follow this with 30 squats and 20 tip-toe stretches (I have real problems with my feet).

If there is time, I write some ‘morning pages’ – whatever thoughts are piling through my head, though I’ve found that usually I don’t write much because I am sitting ‘trying’ to think of things to write. I often try to recall my dreams at this point. Whatever, it’s not a journal, it’s barely legible, it’s spat out quickly and forgotten – not really meant to be read again in the future. This habit is 2-5 minutes max.

Finally, I’ll meditate (this is when my brain suddenly starts coming up with the random thoughts!). I use the Smiling Mind app which has plenty of free meditations and I don’t know if I often get into a real meditative state but I want to do it just for practice. Doing it over and over again puts smaller chunks of information into my brain that I can utilise during the day, when not meditating as such. In this way, it is a success. Perhaps it has taught me to just pause sometimes before opening my mouth. Taking a deep breath before heading into a difficult class.

I usually meditate between 5 and 10 minutes and mostly they are guided meditations. Once there gets to be longer periods of silence I still struggle with keeping focus on breath or letting go of thoughts, but that’s the reason to practice, right? I also have been laying on a spiky massage mat whilst doing this and that has been great. Much like a bed of nails. It makes me wonder why I like it? Do I like discomfort, do I find comfort in pain? Do I feel some sense of achievement to be able to survive it? I don’t know if there is any scientific study around physiological benefits of this type of thing but I just know that I like it!

Finally, a shower and breakfast and it’s off to work. Following this routine 5 days a week seems to be having a positive effect on my happiness and calm. I wouldn’t put it down to any one of the habits specifically or even them all together. Sometimes it can just be the action, the doing, that provides the benefit. For years I’ve implored friends to just ‘Do Something’ usually for a larger cause. Now I’m starting to understand that whilst I was doing something for a larger cause it also had the side effect of benefitting myself.

I was going to write about how the Covid-19 virus has affected my life teaching at school and what the ‘new normal’ of that looks like. Fortunately for me, it has meant lots of free time, drinking coffee in the morning, sitting by the river. This situation won’t last forever. I won’t last forever. I enjoy it whilst I can.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my energy and enthusiasm. When Dylan called in sick today I was ready to go teach for him.

We got that attitude! – 26th July 2020

I am so happy and grateful for all the lovely plants we have growing in our house. Plants help make a house into a home and I feel like this is home.

To-do list

  • Awards awards awards ½
  • Push yourself to workout on weekends
  • Compliment everything
  • A random act of kindness
  • Draw something again in the next few days

Well, that was not very successful with this list. After a picnic and party with George, Bee and Dylan (and Amy, of course) on Monday, I was too hungover on Tuesday to do anything that required much thinking. So I’m back on it today (Wednesday).

I realise how much drinking takes it out of me – interrupts my plans. It’s fun to be drunk sometimes but I’m finding it worth less and less. I prefer the happy high of life and living. I’m still pushing myself but finding myself more focused now.

I spent a good 6-8 months reading and researching many different ideas about thinking and being. I’ve trimmed this down a lot now – having understood much of the content and advice. Now I’m doing less thinking about thinking and slowly turning this into action and habit. Still working towards a better life for myself.

We found that attitude! – 14th July 2020

Quick today – teaching today finally. Brain in gear? Brain in gear – ready to go. Stay with it. Make it fun for the kids.


Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be in the classroom again. It gives me some confidence, I know I can do a good job.

To-do list

  • Compliment everyone you can ½
  • Mantra and blessing ½
  • Keep students happy – teaching is second ✅
  • Smile, laugh, listen first ½

I was very happy today. Possibly a little too exuberant but I couldn’t help myself. I should try to reign it in a little bit though as sometimes I get too comfortable and forget about how I make other people feel.

I only ended up teaching one lesson this morning – and then made a video. Being with the students again made me happy.

Later, as we discussed the schedule I offered to take 2 lessons each from George and Dylan as they are the subject I’m supposed to be teaching anyway. This meant less work for them and more for me but I felt good about that because it means I can monitor the progress of the students easily. I’m also happy to be working in the class more.

Even the bad news that we now have to arrive before 8 am couldn’t get me down today. We’ve had it easy for a long time really – we’ve been very lucky.

I like it when your eyes get big – 9th June 2020

Tuesday 7 am – no workers yet, cancelled two days running. Sabai sabai. Just do a good job – a long lasting job.

Hot Snakes in head today. Mild-mannered Froburg, last night podcast – couldn’t get to sleep from tension in my legs – eventually, did – XOX – all Hot Snakes songs are great but sound the same

Why am I comfortable to sit cross-legged? It fucks my back but feels better at the time. Bruce, work today, visit bookshop – I love books – take another for Bruno.

Evidence – I am a believer in what can be known – not so much what isn’t known. Will argue with George over this for sure – but keep it good-natured.

What did I dream? I don’t recall. Talk with Andrew on Sunday – what about? What method – work it out. A Dinosaur Jr. riff – always different always the same – my head is full of musical trivia – nonsense – but so it is.

Finished my jigsaw – meditate on that. Observe. Sounds and light.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for all the people I have met in my life, good and bad, they made me into who I am.

To-do list

  • Update document for Bruce ✅
  • Positive-smile-compliment-wish ½
  • Find 5-10 minutes to meditate
  • Scan some pictures
  • Draw mini zine

I took some time today to learn more Thai and didn’t get to do so much else. Another very chilled day with no real work to do as such. I felt happy and contented and tried harder to listen and get more understanding from people. George mostly.

He started talking about fake moon landings and I didn’t argue against him but asked what it is about these types of things that interests him. I gave him my reason for not believing in the conspiracy and we both understood each other.

The lesson with Bruce was good despite my being a bit tired – it ended up an enjoyable discussion.

I did spend many times concentrating on the feelings in my body – when walking, when driving and there were also a couple of moments during the day when I just felt very contented. I want to learn to hold on to those – especially when we actually have to work in class. We talked (me, George and Dylan) about making classes fun and enjoyable for the students and I have to remember this more as I fell I am a more serious and sombre teacher.

We got that attitude! – 4th June 2020

I am so happy and grateful to be able to sit in this teachers room with aircon and share time happily with other teachers.

To-do list

  • RAK, savour, smile, compliment, positive – these should be priorities ½
  • Can you connect more? ½
  • Practice your listening with follow-up questions
  • Don’t put down other people’s ideas ½
  • Don’t say anything perceived as negative ½

Today could just as well have been a holiday as George, Dylan and I did no work at all. We spent an hour and a half for coffee in the morning, an hour for lunch and an hour for coffee in the afternoon. Apart from that we watched videos and read articles or listened to podcasts. I felt very much at ease today, compared with earlier in the week.

I need to keep working on these points about savouring, compliments, thinking positively towards myself and others, smiling and RAK. I also want to improve on not saying anything negative in a jokey way. I think I can boil my tasks down to just improving these things each day.

We got that attitude! – 2nd June 2020

I am so happy and grateful that I have the chance to go out to the dentist easily. Life is pretty easy.

To-do list

  • Smile, compliment (lie, even!) ½
  • Connect some more ✅
  • Savour something
  • Go to dentist to make appt. ✅
  • Breathing, meditate, sit quietly, positive wishes ½

A much better day today helped by an almost 10-hour sleep. We didn’t do any work at school today yet it passed by relatively swiftly and I had an enjoyable chat with Dylan. I enjoyed talking with Bruce this evening too.

No school tomorrow and I’m not sure exactly what I’ll do though Amy wants to go for a foot massage, which would be great.

There goes my dream, looked good on paper -1st June 2020

Callen the gallon – those were days alright. Sweaty five-minute warm-up. Sound makes a sound – still Heavy Vegetable swirling around all the time.

Yesterday was filled with so much beauty it was almost too much to bear – it was outstanding green, green, green – Amy not impressed by the photos – “it’s my country – this is normal – this is why I want to see other places.” I get it, of course.

Up into the mountains skidding sliding – bemused villages staring. Akha church ceremony – it was Sunday. It was great – very lovely sounds. Some places so quiet, others cicadas like chainsaws.

Gap teethed stooping old ladies, “okay!”, smokers sitting in shade – pineapple groves – where to go? – is this a road? What are you doing to me Google Maps!? Buddhas everywhere. KwanYin everywhere. Miles and miles and miles – could I see the ocean?

Hours later I’m crispy salmon skinned – Magma CDs – play them one day. Das Damen – Jupiter Eye is upside down – why? Dazzling Kilman – must be close by. *

Cooler – big rain – 30-minute blackout. Oh no – it’s okay. Cold nighttime air, can wrap up warm. What are you gonna talk about? Nothing – it doesn’t matter – enjoy that coffee – keep the cup filled with coffee. Keep your heart filled with joy. Don’t fight it, the struggle is over, everything is changing. Embrace it. Gives thanks. Give love. You’re a lovely human bean.

Fatman report

Weight: 79.9kg
Resting heart rate: 53

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that De Lanna is open again so I can sit by the river with a coffee.

*writing this sitting next to my CD collection and perusing in thought

To-do list

  • Take the weekend with you – smile
  • Share your positive wishes to others and yourself
  • Savouring and random acts of kindness
  • Connect with someone – find out what they like ½
  • More blog posts ½

I struggled today to be honest. On reflection I think it may be somewhat connected to my sunburn – it is really bad on my arms and it’s not that it is painful or that I feel hot but I think I just got zapped of energy.

I got annoyed with two of the boys doing the filming because they weren’t paying any attention to the work. George rightly pointed out that it’s up to us to create the environment that we want to see but I was too tired and cranky to think about it anymore.

After lunch, I sat and closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing. I felt much better after that and then, funnily, Dylan and George both got tired and sleepy too.

George can come across as quite bossy sometimes though he obviously has the best of intentions. It often rubs me the wrong way and sometimes I’m not confident enough to deal with it in a positive manner. I’m still very insecure about things and feel I have to prove a point. It’s my problem I know

I’ve been writing and reading all these things but still can’t seem to act on it. I don’t ruminate so much on things but a dark mood can be brought on by the smallest slight.

Anyway, I’m putting the tiredness down to the sunburn and the crankiness due to the tiredness. Tomorrow is another day (though the sunburn will still be there).

We got that attitude! – 26th May 2020

I am so happy and grateful for the nurse who gave me free medicine this morning for my upset stomach. That was nice.

To-do list

  • Don’t forget that breathing exercise ½
  • More lessons and clear emails ✅
  • Bring a smile to every interaction ½
  • Make copies of passport at school ✅

A rough, though quiet day today. Last night I was awake quite a lot as the mix of beer and seafood sauce played havoc with my guts. I slept in and arrived at school around 10.30 am. George and Dylan were still out for coffee and I think Champ had only just arrived too.

I cleared my emails and started looking at some more lessons and the day passed quickly and uneventfully – my stomach still complaining somewhat.

Something that was nice was that one of the staff there heard me talking to Champ about my stomachache and turns out she was the nurse and she got me some antacid tablets and drink. That was really nice of her.

Amy talked to me a lot tonight about how she’s been feeling these last few days as she has been upset with her friend Aor and the way she behaved on the weekend. I listened attentively and used the breathing exercise to help with concentrating and found it quite effective.

I also ‘taught’ Bruce tonight but we mostly ended up just in conversation about various topics. I enjoy talking with him actually but wonder how much better off he might be with a teacher who actually knows what they are doing. But perhaps this style suits him too as he needs to put in extra effort by himself which he has little spare time for – so just practising talking is good for him.

Tomorrow I expect to be back on form and keep on with the things I missed this morning such as meditating, writing and weights.

We got that attitude! – 21st May 2020

I am so happy and grateful for opportunities and choices. Last night Takky asked again if I would be interested in teaching with him and Alan at Tessaban 6. It’s good to have options.

To-do list

  • Enjoy the day again – not much for me ✅
  • Meditate and exercise – get up early ✅
  • Can you do morning pages? The quiet voice?
  • Drink more water ½

I got up early and did some weights and stretching, as well as a quick meditation. I felt pretty good but was a bit down and subdued when I got to work. I was still thinking about last night and my worry about Amy drinking too much sometimes.

I was a bit snappy with George too. He has been so helpful for me and Dylan and introducing us to the school. Today I got a bit annoyed at him telling us the best way to do something and felt like I wanted to assert myself a little so I can show a little independence. That was all well and good but I’m not as good a subtle craftsman with words and expression as he is and I worry that I upset him a little.

I still struggle to think carefully about how my words come out and how they might be received. I’m not yet quick enough to work out a better way of expressing my assertions.

I also think that my grumpiness is caused by the discussion last night about the possibility of working with Takky and Alan. They make a good option for doing meaningful work in their school but it would mean working a lot harder than I do right now and my preference is to work less and less! It is nice to receive praise from them but I also still doubt my own abilities.

Ellen has also been talking about teaching online through students she finds for me and she talked about how competitive it is now. She asked me what my main skills were and I really wasn’t sure what to say! I don’t really know what they are!

I often feel like I can’t really do anything until I’m actually doing it and even then when I get praise, it’s still not enough to give me confidence.

I met Kru Tang this morning and she mentioned that Kru Boe missed me a lot and Tang said Boe cried about what happened with me at the school last year. One thing that has come out of that is that things seem to have improved there quite a lot and it seems to be a result of my efforts and sacrifice there.

I did feel good about that but it’s not the kind of situation I want to find myself in again and the offer to work with Takky and Alan could prove to end up the same (or is that just my anxiety speaking?).

George says I like to play mind games, implying that I think too much about some things. I don’t know. I guess I’ll think about that too.

Tomorrow I’ll try to think how to be assertive in a more gentle manner – and listen first, in full, before deciding what action I want to take.

We got that attitude! – 20th May 2020

I am so happy and grateful for the opportunity to work with George and Dylan at CRPAO this semester. I think we will have a lot of fun.

To-do list

  • Zoom with Ellen
  • Enjoy the role playing today ✅
  • Another article for Bruce
  • Some more Inner Engineering

The day at school actually went to plan and the evening at home didn’t at all! But that’s OK. These things happen and it’s nothing to get beat up over.

Amy and Takky and Amy’s dad were drunk by the time I got home and everyone was in a happy mood so I hung out and played with Ritchie (Takky’s dog).

I worry sometimes about Amy hurting herself when she’s drunk – she also gets a little maudlin and down. I like to drink too and have a good time but recently I just haven’t felt like it so much. We did on Friday and had a great time but it’s getting harder for me to do it on school nights.