Tag: Ellen

Aspirations – 2nd July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

We invented the Joneses
Something to aspire
Keep on the treadmill
Tweaking on desire

Bold, beautiful and rich
A mansion in the hills
Chasing after a life
Defined by constant thrills

Today I’m feeling:

Yesterday I felt like I was on a bit of a high but today feels the opposite. I can’t quite figure out why. I slept well enough but perhaps not long enough as I ended up back in a deep sleep from 11:30 until 2 pm. Since then I’ve not been enthused about anything and passed an hour or so pulling up weeds.

Today I’m grateful for:

Noey’s coffee. Now she is capable of making a perfect cappuccino for me. I like to think that I contributed to her improvement by always allowing her to make my coffee so that she can get more practice, though in reality there is obviously more to it than that.

The best thing about today was:

It’s almost 6pm and there is nothing of any real highlight except for Noey showing off her belly button with the clothes she was wearing. Or the satisfaction of a square metre of the garden weed free for a week or two. It’s not been a bad day either. Just not much of anything.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’ve been getting an aching pain in my eyes. Also a vague toothache around my jaw. Maybe I’ve got some sinus problem or perhaps even just a bad tooth that is causing pain elsewhere in my face. It could also just be looking at too many screens. I should probably go get my eyes tested at some point again. I don’t feel like my vision has gotten worse but a new pair of glasses might help. 

When I look at my glasses I always see a speck on the left lens from when they dropped on the floor in Kimi’s bathroom not long after I first got them. 

Something I learned today?

Watching Little Chinese Everywhere as she(Yan?) travels to Tibet and the second-highest hotel in the world. The highest being in Peru. The scenery in Tibet is quite amazing.

What is a fear that I would like to overcome?

I suppose I still have plenty of fears but not sure I feel the need to overcome them. For example, my fear of spiders is not particularly life-threatening or would be life-changing if I overcame it.

I was chatting with Ellen yesterday and she had just been tandem skydiving in Sichuan province. I’ve thought about doing that before but feel afraid. The fear is not of the height or hitting the ground, the fear is about losing control, fearing fainting or heart attack or something like that.

Still though, it’s not like a fear of skydiving is holding back my dreams in any way.

I took this picture yesterday because I’ve never been on this side of the dam at the university before. The whole university grounds environment is exceptional but doesn’t seem to get much use. It’s too hot or wet most of the time and you need a motorbike to get around. The only thought I did have is that there are many places you could go for a romantic walk, talk or view. I don’t know how much of that happens here though.

Recognition Of Reality – 22nd December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Am I sitting down yet?
Are my feet touching the floor?
No recognition of reality
Is it worth existing anymore
Am I breathing air?
Is blood pumping through my veins?
No recognition of a life itself
No usefulness remains

*inspired by a story from Seneca

You determine the quality of your mind by the nature of your daily thoughts.

Robert Greene, Daily Laws

Today I’m feeling:
Happy but a little on edge
Today I’m grateful for:
Our air fryer which nicely cooked the Hainan ginger fake chicken I ate for dinner with rice and cucumber (to counter the hot chilli sauce dressing). Amy has made me 3 servings to freeze for when she has gone too. I suppose I could learn to use the fryer too but I just don’t bother cooking by myself.
The best thing about today was:
Undoubtedly, both my classes which I took a very relaxed attitude towards whilst still having the kids semi-engaged with activities. Even the kids that get annoyed with me did some work and seemed to enjoy what we were doing. Some days I love them all. Today was one of those days. Tomorrow should be too. One class making Christmas cards and another two just doing online quizzes and then it’s the weekend again (finally – last night I thought it would be Friday today until I realised it wouldn’t and felt the energy drain out of me!)
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy is grumpy today, maybe PMT, so I’m trying to not bite at her and let it pass. I’m not always successful and she got angry when I misheard her about something and reacted badly. I let it blow over and apologised for misunderstanding and just tried to carry on as if nothing happened. I don’t think we’ll have good communication for the rest of the night, so let it lie and wake up tomorrow to a brand new sunny day, or at least we get to start again.
Something I learned today?
Hayden has Covid again. Hopefully, it’s not as bad as the first time and he recovers soon. I messaged Ellen too, who I haven’t been in contact with for about six months and since China relaxed their lockdown policy a couple of weeks ago, she and many of her clients got Covid too. I think China’s tough covid policy was the best way to deal with it and hopefully, now the virus is weaker there will be fewer deaths from infections. It’s amazing to me that other countries didn’t take it as seriously.
What tattoo do you want and where would you put it?
The next tattoo I get will be some Cardiacs lyrics on my right calf. I also want to get a Boognish tattoo but not quite sure where yet. Still thinking about the weird Trumans Water Spasm Smash cover too.

I took this picture because there’s spiders living in the trees!

Born Ready – 18th December 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It’s all about the effort, you gotta believe
That’s what success is, not what you achieve
To be in control is to be steady
To become the best, realise you were born ready

Tell yourself, repeat, don’t be lazy
If you put 100% you cannot be crazy
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose
Success is defined by the action you choose

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the passionfruit I can see outside, on the ground, waiting for me to pick it up and scoop out its insides and drink its delicious juice.

Yesterday I ran out of energy. My last class was restless so we got through it double quick and the boys all left and the girls all cleaned the classroom, which made me sad and upset.

I ate lunch and read in the teachers’ room until George came in, making noise and encouraging everyone to eat more than they wanted, ordering Dylan and others around and wanting everyone to join in playing Kahoot. It’s sometimes difficult to see if everyone does it to humour him and not upset him or if they find him really inspiring and friendly. I find it all insincere and manipulative, as you can probably tell.

Anyway, it was obvious I had to get out of his way for them to play so I went out to the other room. During all this, I just flagged and though I’d planned to go meet Bruno, I cancelled and headed home and was in bed before 8 and asleep by 9.30!

I didn’t feel too bad in the morning today but couldn’t force myself to exercise and settled for coffee instead.

I’d missed a call from Ellen yesterday and she sent me a message this morning that she was thinking of killing herself! I called her and talked with her for half an hour. She’s having some tough times and I hoped I could give her some positive encouragement. I told her we should talk again each Saturday (just so I can check in with her).

She’s still looking for people to teach for her, which I’m too busy for now but I don’t really know anyone. Even foreign teachers at school, I wouldn’t want to recommend to her in case she gets fucked around by them. I hope she’ll be ok.

Today, I flagged again around 3pm. Amy and I had been running around preparing for next weekend’s party at her parents. We stopped in a cafe on the way back and as we drank our drinks, we both stopped talking and subconsciously realised it was time to head home and take a nap.

I got sucked in by the Khalil Gibran story I was reading, ‘Khalil The Heretic’ and then ended up reading comics until just before sunset. Better for a good sleep tonight anyway.

I’ll go feed the cats and feel like watching a movie, maybe a few sips of whiskey.

You cut off his head, legs come looking for you – 2nd July 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Rainy season started early this year – very early in fact. So, it’s hot and wet and therefore, sticky and humid. Every year, usually after a big rain, some form or another of bug will suddenly emerge from the ground by the millions, to flutter around for five minutes, procreate and then die. Each morning we have to sweep away the piles of carcasses from around our front porch.

On this occasion we had some assistance from a colony of ants in search of nutrition. The picture is taken from a video, which I can’t post here, so it’s difficult to see the army of ants carrying these insects off to their nest. I followed the trail, along our front path, under my hammock, passed the garage, the outdoor toilets, the teaching room and somewhere in amongst the grass near our front gate. A good twenty to thirty metres away from where I took this picture I guess.

A few weeks later and the rains became more torrential and consistent, another colony of ants decided they needed a new home. It wasn’t unusual to see some ants around by the back door and inspecting under the washing machine as it was a pantry of dead bugs and lizards under there. But this time, over the course of one night we found this nest of mud the following morning!

A dose of ant killer soon stopped them and then the task of dragging out the washing machine and digging out their nest with a small shovel! Sorry, ants – this house isn’t big enough for all of us. We can’t have a million of anything living here!

Damned Ants

The invaders are coming
Building castles in dark recesses
An unstoppable force
With an ingenuity that impresses
Counting in their millions
Each one so sure of their role
Ceaselessly marching onward
In determined self-control
I must gather my own forces
With a bucket, shovel and mop
These damned ants – be gone!
Like them, I too, will never stop

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that Amy’s dad took the student’s dog. I hope he takes good care of it. I’m also happy and grateful to be able to start teaching a new student of Ellen’s, a 16-year-old who is moving to Melbourne with her family. She is very quiet but knows she has to study hard.

Poems on this day – 18th May 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Now I Know Too Much

Once I was young and stupid
But my head was full of dreams
Now I’m older and know too much
Everything is exactly what it seems

Gone are the days of wonder
Staring into the night sky
Now I’m older and wiser
My time has passed me by

If I could take my wisdom
Back into my past
Live my life all over again
Live every day as if my last

Last Poem

A poem these days is a question
Statements less obvious as I age
I learned that I know little
But I always return to the page

Am I questioning you
For an answer in reply?
Or just repeating life’s queries
As we all do before we die?

I really have no expectation
Just floating my thoughts in the air
There’s always more to learn
On the path to becoming aware

How far I am in my journey?
I guess I’ll never know
This could be my last poem
It may be my time to go

Chosen and Peculiar

It may seem a little odd
When I say ‘I am the one’
A singular lightning rod
Pointed at the sun

I know my reason
Though it may not be clear
It may not be my season
Yet my day is coming near

When the sun flares
With energy to fuel ya’
I’m beyond those cares
Chosen and peculiar

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the extra money I could earn working for Ellen this past month or so. I went shopping at Big C and online and good having spare cash.

We got that attitude! – 24th January 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for the game The Crew. I don’t play games often and this game is just right for me, maybe boring for others but just enough fun for me without being frustrating.

To-do list

  • More remixing ✅
  • Prepare IELTS course on Monday ✅
  • Sketch something at work ✅
  • Prepare gratitude letters ½
  • Work out a time to go to Hacienda
  • More books, less phone ✅

It’s been an odd week – I was sick with a cold on the weekend and either slept or watched/listened to YouTube videos – which was quite enjoyable despite my subdued mood. I tried to go to work on Monday but opted not to in the end and slept more, finally feeling…not better, but happier.

On Tuesday I came home early and read more of the Paulo Coehlo book, Eleven Minutes, that Bruno lent me. I think it was part of that story that influenced my thoughts as I fell asleep that night and I had a moment of clarity and suddenly understood exactly who I was, what I am and what I am for. It was very profound and enlightening though it happened as I was on my way to sleep, and many other thoughts also passed through my mind before I slept.

When I awoke I recalled my epiphany but could no longer remember the details. Who am I!? I’m not sure it was inspired by passages in that book so I will go back and read it again. Actually, I’m just happy that somewhere in my consciousness I have this information, so my thinking ming shouldn’t need to worry about this anymore.

The rest of the week went well and I had a somewhat superior feeling that I don’t care what anyone thinks of me or the way I do things. Not to say that I deliberately go out of my way to annoy or upset anyone but I do usually apply the rule of honesty when it comes to discussion and I will give my honest opinion in many situations, hopefully when I feel it would not be detrimental. Not everyone will understand me, not everyone will like me. But I am valid. I do my best to be nice to people but I can’t help the fact that I am bored by most people and have to push myself hard to dive deeper into their world.

Yesterday I felt tired enough for an afternoon nap but thought I’d listen to some music at the same time. It was a fabulous feeling as I drifted in and out of light sleep, inspired by the sounds. I came to thinking about my old teenage bedroom, my first girlfriend, and the layout of the room, which I would change every few months depending on my mood.

As I held this thought closely, my heart jumped as my imagination brought the whole thing right into the here and now. I toyed with my thoughts and could recall moments that stimulated my emotions and realised I had it within me to summon these feelings, with practice, at will.

Looking through photos of the recent past has inspired a certain nostalgia that I haven’t investigated much before, as I never liked to indulge in it, always moving forward instead. If it can stir up my memory then I will attempt this more.

A nice thing happened yesterday as I was watering the garden in the morning. The neighbour’s twin cats came to sniff around and followed me and the hose for a while. I cuddled and stroked them and got back to watering and still they followed, curious about the water, until one got a little too close and decided that water is evil. They both quickly understood and ran off as fast as they could back home.

I am trying to simplify my life somewhat. Keep up some good habits but not stress too much about anything.

Feeling good last week, I decided I would help Ellen with some more online teaching. I’m kicking myself a little bit now as I have been enjoying all the free time I have had recently, generally since stopping recording the podcast. Sometimes, giving up things, even those you enjoy, is good. Make more room for other things.

I’ve even been listening to full CDs again today – to recall the feeling of a consistent 45-60 minutes rather than skit-skatting all about the place. And hence, the longer length of this entry.

We got that attitude! – 11th August 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Still can’t remember date – 10th maybe. Woke up tired – enjoying all the things I do when I’m awake so want to stay up and do them!

Started re-watching Homicide – great show. Good classes yesterday. Still happy with the way things are. Need to get back to my proper journal.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my friend Ellen in Nanning. I have known her for more than 12 years now and she can help me find students in China.

We got that attitude! – 30th July 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for the heavy curtains in my room. They help keep the room cool during the day. It’s still super hot but imagine what it would be like without them.

To-do list

  • More blog posts – try to get well ahead
  • Awards awards – all the time ½
  • Compliments and kindness ½

A sort of difficult day today. I felt a little off – not unhappy but not quite content, a little bit thoughtless perhaps.

I felt myself get upset with George when he questioned why I was doing something and I took offence at being questioned about my methods. I understand his reasons for saying what he did but I still feel like he say things in a way that is suggesting that his way is the best. I don’t need to bite at this – I especially shouldn’t react verbally or even emotionally.

I can see instances when he does the same but can turn a comment around into a positive. I need to be more aware of that. As usual – listen (really listen) first, think, evaluate – last resort is to speak!

After school, Ellen had lined up a potential client for online teaching. I was thinking that this would have to be a totally different method for teaching. At school I should adopt the George attitude – don’t stress too much, make it fun for the kids, just make the ones who struggle feel good ie I shouldn’t care so much.

But for Chinese students online, paying a premium I do have to be well organised and know what I’m doing and talking about. I’m still learning – still trying.

We got that attitude! – 21st May 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for opportunities and choices. Last night Takky asked again if I would be interested in teaching with him and Alan at Tessaban 6. It’s good to have options.

To-do list

  • Enjoy the day again – not much for me ✅
  • Meditate and exercise – get up early ✅
  • Can you do morning pages? The quiet voice?
  • Drink more water ½

I got up early and did some weights and stretching, as well as a quick meditation. I felt pretty good but was a bit down and subdued when I got to work. I was still thinking about last night and my worry about Amy drinking too much sometimes.

I was a bit snappy with George too. He has been so helpful for me and Dylan and introducing us to the school. Today I got a bit annoyed at him telling us the best way to do something and felt like I wanted to assert myself a little so I can show a little independence. That was all well and good but I’m not as good a subtle craftsman with words and expression as he is and I worry that I upset him a little.

I still struggle to think carefully about how my words come out and how they might be received. I’m not yet quick enough to work out a better way of expressing my assertions.

I also think that my grumpiness is caused by the discussion last night about the possibility of working with Takky and Alan. They make a good option for doing meaningful work in their school but it would mean working a lot harder than I do right now and my preference is to work less and less! It is nice to receive praise from them but I also still doubt my own abilities.

Ellen has also been talking about teaching online through students she finds for me and she talked about how competitive it is now. She asked me what my main skills were and I really wasn’t sure what to say! I don’t really know what they are!

I often feel like I can’t really do anything until I’m actually doing it and even then when I get praise, it’s still not enough to give me confidence.

I met Kru Tang this morning and she mentioned that Kru Boe missed me a lot and Tang said Boe cried about what happened with me at the school last year. One thing that has come out of that is that things seem to have improved there quite a lot and it seems to be a result of my efforts and sacrifice there.

I did feel good about that but it’s not the kind of situation I want to find myself in again and the offer to work with Takky and Alan could prove to end up the same (or is that just my anxiety speaking?).

George says I like to play mind games, implying that I think too much about some things. I don’t know. I guess I’ll think about that too.

Tomorrow I’ll try to think how to be assertive in a more gentle manner – and listen first, in full, before deciding what action I want to take.

We got that attitude! – 15th May 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for my ankle straps. They can’t fix my feet problem but they are helping a little bit.

To-do list

  • Relax into your role (in the role-play game and as a teacher) ½
  • Greet everyone – can you say more to them? ½
  • Offer your help ½

I neglected to write here over the weekend and pushing myself to do it now on Monday. Friday, Saturday, Sunday and even today were all extremely breezy.

On Friday we found out all the work we had been doing that week wouldn’t be used and that we won’t even be teaching online – just the Thai teachers will do that. No problem – I’m not thinking about the time I wasted – I still learned a few things doing it so, whatever.

And then today we turned up at school with a message that the videos we were due to make today are pushed back to Wednesday so now we have nothing to do at all!

We went for coffee for a couple of hours. Nice.

Saturday, I listened to music most of the day and Sunday, we went to Mae Sai and the big Japanese second hand shop in the morning and our first lunch out for a couple of months, It was very nice to do that and Amy and I enjoyed ourselves.

In the afternoon I started on the jigsaw that Amy had finished whilst listening to the Inner Engineering audiobook.

Ellen in Nanning has suggested using Zoom and maybe working online together.

I’ll talk with her more about that tomorrow. I sat with the Uni student teachers for lunch today and talked a lot with them. The other Thai teachers are all nice and friendly and mostly keep to themselves. It’s definitely a better feeling than in the Primary departments I worked in before.