Really lazy this morning with nothing to do except check out and then go somewhere to hang out before going to the airport.
Amy returned about an hour after me last night and had been throwing up. I got her into the room and after a bit of sorting out, she slept.
Today I’m grateful for:
All the taxi drivers, train drivers and airport folks who got us from there to here. Home again. It’s a massive effort of societal coordination and a privilege we often don’t think about.
The best thing about today was:
I experienced a brief moment of bliss as I balanced the taste of lemon tart and bitter coffee at the Coffee Club at the airport. It was so expensive I made damn sure I savoured it.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
There was a lot of waiting around today. It’s a bit of a write-off. We weren’t inspired to venture anywhere. I used the time to catch up on reading some poems.
Something I learned today?
Manchester City won the English Premier League. I think it was for a record-breaking fourth time running.
I took this picture at the cafe yesterday because it’s an interesting little statue that caught my eye. No pictures today as it was mostly the insides of hotel rooms, taxis, trains, shopping malls and airports.
A genius level of stupid I always knew you would be good At something no one needed And remain misunderstood
A stupid level of genius Makes for far too few friends And alliterating the point Is unlikely to make amends
Today I’m feeling:
It’s late afternoon and it feels like I haven’t thought about how I’ve been feeling today. That’s kinda good. Some emotional stability maybe?
It’s been a good day with little stress and if I do stop to think about it, I feel happy.
Today I’m grateful for:
Fon sending me more sourdough bread again. I had to stop myself from eating it all immediately so that I can enjoy it tomorrow too.
The best thing about today was:
Today was one of those smooth pleasant days without any real highs or lows. I was happy that I was inspired to write a couple of poems in my break though.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Yesterday evening passed so quickly, with two hours being taken up with taking Tig to the vet, that I dropped my streaks in my language apps. I didn’t even realise or remember until this evening when I saw a notification about it.
Something I learned today?
I learned that it is August’s (the dancer) birthday on Friday. I only know because I just happened to see it in LINE when I was clicking around. It also may not actually be her birthday.
Anyway, will I remember it on Friday? Even if I ran into her I think I would still forget. I’ll set myself a notification but even then I may not see it.
Knowing so many kids it seems like there’s a birthday every week.
What is a compliment I’ll never forget?
As I’m trying to remember a compliment, I’m reminded of a time when I was in my early twenties and there was a cute new girl hanging out with one of my groups of friends (though I forget who). Anyway, thinking she was cute and interesting I was quite taken when I came by our mutual friends one day and she said ‘Here he is, the enigmatic Shaun.’
I thought of this as a compliment, thinking, hoping that she liked me though as I’ve gotten older I think enigma has a little bit of a negative connotation, like a little difficult or standoffish. I guess between young adults though it would still usually have positive connotations.
In the end, I think I only met this girl three or four times before our lives span off in other directions.
Otherwise, I believe I have forgotten all the compliments I’ve received, though knowing that I have received them.
I’m not a fisher for compliments and as alluded to above, perhaps I can be perceived as standoffish. I’m happy to accept a compliment but soon dismiss its importance.
If I receive compliments I just assume it was for something that was just the right or good thing to do.
Quote: Devote the rest of your life to making progress – Epictetus
I can feel my rate of progress slowing down these days, which is quite natural but also slightly disheartening. I’m not so much in wonder of things going on in the world or my life, having done my small share of exploring it already.
I do still go off on tangents of discovery but notice that processes are much the same from one subject to another. Maybe I’ve been looking at too many philosophy texts and have boiled down life to its essence.
This reminds me again of the lyric, which I’ve probably quoted before, by Built To Spill, ‘Life goes on long after the thrill of it has gone.’
Having said that I do never want to stop reading, learning, and progressing even if it appears I may be just spinning my wheels. I can fool myself easily.
I took this picture because Tigger was at the door waiting to be let in and padded around the table and looked up expectantly, ‘Lie down so I can sit on….quickly!’ So I did and so he did.Fatman report
Kick the can down the road It’s a problem for someone else Put the cap back on the bottle Leave it to settle on the shelf Sweep the dirt under the carpet Until there’s someone else to blame Well-versed in this deliberate tactic To put one’s enemies to shame If it ever comes back to bite Just retire and get out of the way Admit that mistakes were made And it’s someone else’s turn to pay
Today I’m feeling:
Tired but a little better than yesterday. It took me a couple of hours to get going though due to lack of sleep.
Today I’m grateful for:
The wind that came today and helped to clear some of the smoke. No doubt it will be replaced by new smoke by the morning. Everyone is hoping and waiting for rain. It’s forecast every day but never eventuates.
The best thing about today was:
I enjoyed watching the football today despite the Swans losing. It was a good game. My mood is slightly improved today.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Being unable to get to sleep was difficult and that made it hard to get up when morning came. When I did get up to feed the cats I wanted to sleep more but found I couldn’t properly and just tossed and turned and lucid dreamed for an hour or so. When I did get up I felt exhausted but awake, not sleepy again. I’m getting sleepy now in the evening and hope I can get a good night’s rest tonight. I want to go to the city tomorrow to renew my licences, do a little work at House and maybe do a little bit of shopping.
Something I learned today?
I feel like perhaps I didn’t learn anything that I didn’t already know. Some days that’s ok but I prefer to feel like I’ve learned something new even if it’s fairly inconsequential. I shouldn’t trap myself into a cycle of just seeing, reading and hearing things that just reinforce my beliefs despite how comforting that can feel these days.
What problem do I need to solve this week?
I need to get beyond this grief and sorrow. I know it’s coming slowly and things I have read have been helping. For example:
When you see anyone weeping for grief, either that his son has gone abroad, or that he has suffered in his affairs, take care not to be overcome by the apparent evil; but discriminate, and be ready to say, “What hurts this man is not this occurrence itself,- for another man might not be hurt by it, – but the view he chooses to take of it.” As far as conversation goes, however, do not disdain to accommodate yourself to him, and if need be, to groan with him. Take heed, however, not to groan inwardly too.
Epictetus, Handbook 16
I am the one weeping for grief and I must accommodate myself. Another is not hurt by the events in my life, and neither should I be. It is the view that I am taking. It feels harsh but true.
I am kicking myself too. I know that everything alive will die, why do I fight against this knowledge? In some ways, grief feels selfish.
I couldn’t get to sleep last night feeling hot when it was cold and cold when it was hot. My eyes stung from the pollution and my mind recalled recent events. I consoled myself by looking at photos of Kim, hearing her little purrs and feeling our nose rubs and smelling her head. I was teary but felt better but still not sleepy so I read more Khalil Gibran and was inspired by his quotes, many touching the raw nerve of what it is to be human.
“When either your joy or your sorrow becomes great the world becomes small.”
“The bitterest thing in our today’s sorrow is the memory of our yesterday’s joy.”
These were comforting for me and finally, I got to sleep though not long enough.
I took this picture because it’s unusual to find these two sitting together, both at the door looking out. I didn’t even notice them until I opened the door coming back from coffee.
Are you awake to the stirrings of the earth? A bright day is born every morning If you don’t give it the value that it is worth The kingdoms will start to issue forth their warning Save me now so you may save yourself Sun is shining somewhere no matter what you say The noose is getting tighter, not for anyone else But they all wish to see the same brand-new day
You become what you give your attention to…If you yourself don’t choose what thoughts and images you expose yourself to, someone else will.
Epictetus
Today I’m grateful for: Dasa Books having another sale. I picked up a couple that got delivered today. The best thing about today was: Riding around new villages and discovering new places and paths. There were also fresh smells to enjoy on the cold damp air.
I took this picture because, despite the dullness of the light, the green of the rice amongst the brown water against the mountains and cloudy sky stood out to me as a picture of a beautiful day.
I am so happy and grateful to my aching feet. They suffer but are still going. My aching hips, just working. My dodgy knee, my crooked neck, my weak wrists. One day so these pains will be gone. So will I.
What decides whether a sum of money is good? The money is not going to tell you.
Epictetus, Discourses
To-do list
Finish Kru Noon’s card ½
Start picture for Tian
Start spreadsheet for WDS tour ✅
Listen to Donald Robertson lecture ½
Plan to take Amy to OK@Chiang Rai ✅
In a much more positive frame of mind today. The knowledge of no longer working in this school has taken the pressure off but it is making me wonder why I can’t just think like that all the time? I’m hoping that the move to a new school and position will give me the fresh approach I need. I tried to do that this semester and was only somewhat successful. Now I have a little more experience under my belt.
I will have a job interview tomorrow and hopefully, that will go well. I should take a notebook with me and make notes. I don’t think I’ll ask too many questions and will suggest some ideas I have based on some textbooks I found useful today too.
I chatted for about 20 minutes with Fred this morning and we discussed the failings of the schools in Thailand and our different methods of dealing with it. I am quite aware that my method is not the best way. I must learn the way that can keep me calm and happy and at the same time try to do my best for the students.
I’m giving myself another 12 months to see if I can turn things around for myself. I will try to do this by remembering how George deals with things and consciously putting them into practice. I feel like some of the pieces of the puzzle are coming together today. I feel strong enough to be able to deal with things. I just hope I can maintain this when difficult situations arise.
“Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on—it isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human, and therefore manlier. A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance—unlike the angry and complaining. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.” —MARCUS AURELIUS, MEDITATIONS, 11.18.5b
I’ve never been a manly man. Well, I say that, though I can remember trying to be one from about ages 11-14. Then I started getting bullied a bit at school and realised I wasn’t ever going to be a strong boy physically.
Not me but you get the idea…
I retreated into my mind but taking resentment and bitterness there. I filled myself with seething hatred for everything around me, confusing what I considered personal injustice with larger injustices of the world. Everything was against us. It was us and them, whoever us was and whoever they were.
I dove head first into the moshpits of punk rock. Besides my mother, punk really was a rock for me to hold on to. Sometimes I clung too tight but eventually I found my way.
Justice and fairness are still amongst my top character strengths, thankfully along with curiousity and gratitude – those two came later.
These days I’m trying to calm my mind to bring some inner peace but the tunes of yesterday still rattle around from dawn to dusk. This inner noise is it’s own sort of peace, it’s familiarity calming, the anger gone.
Man is spelt big M.A.N. it’s the letters of the law, Man is spelt big M.A.N. that’s who the law is for.
– Crass
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the supportive teachers around me. They have helped me cover a lesson today and it was easy to stand once I found the right person to talk with.
You can’t learn what you think you already know.
Epictetus (paraphrase)
To-do list
Arrange someone to manage the class I miss. ✅
Make another blog post around an article. ✅
Ride bike to get a haircut.
More Coursera/another DIY article. ½
WDS – follow up on BKK and Yogya shows. ½
I’m starting to feel comfortable and relaxed at school. Able to deal with unexpected conditions, which seem to arise often. I still feel connected with the students but not so intensely involved. I will do what I can for them and try to prepare a good plan for them for learning but I’m going to over-invest my time, even though I do really love to push myself and always think to do the very best I can.
Without the pressure and expectations from the school for continuing with them next semester I am enjoying all the situations, good and bad, and I realise now that this is how I should try to feel all the time at work.
It’s just occurred to me this idea in opposition, of being a very organised person and having to work in a very disorganised environment. Instead of a strict organisation of ideas for lessons, I should have an outline plan and then be ready and organised for disruption. So, a good solid base to work from and then prepared to add on to it. Work smarter.
I talked a little bit with Kevin today and he was surprised at my involvement in music.
I also managed to complete deleting about 90% of my ‘friends’ on Facebook. Most of them are unnecessary for my day-to-day and if either I or they wish to connect again for any reason we are still able to but I’d like to think of myself using Facebook as opposed to Facebook using me. Communicating in short sound bytes is not effective and nuanced, becomes frustrating and just making me anxious about useless things.
I want to concentrate more on writing on my blog – that gives me a deeper satisfaction. It’s not particularly important if anyone sees it or not – I just want to go through the process, forge a habit, think better and ultimately feel better.
1994ever 