People aren’t looking for something to read – they’re looking for something they can share with their friends to make it seem like they really care about what’s happening in the world around them.
Nathaniel Malt
Gratitude Journal
I’m so happy and grateful for our grass-cutting machine which destroys our long grass and my small plants when I’m not careful! If I do a little cutting each day/week, then I can save money on getting a gardener to do it.
15th Aug 2023 – I have become lazy and just let the gardener do it unless it is really out of control and they can’t come for a few days. I’ll cut for about 20 minutes and then give up exhausted!
Amy and I went for a great meal last night at a new Japanese izakaya near the clock tower. The food was yummy, though it made me wish to go to Japan again. I drank a bottle of expensive sake, which had me dizzy after almost the first sip.
When I weighed myself this morning, I was 1.3kg up on yesterday! Back to exercise in the morning again tomorrow!
Trying to push the chattering thoughts about what was said to me on Friday out of my head as I try to defend myself internally from harm. Not easy to submit and let go. I liken George to a fire – warm and comforting yet easy to get burned if you get too close. I wonder about his being Lebanese, which he is always keen to hide, about being raised Christian yet unable to forgive or even understand others, and wonder about being from the Middle East and why it is so fucked up there.
And ultimately wonder about my own prejudices and faults. They are the only things I can change. The only things I can try and change. Stop killing myself.
Save the world by standing still Triple and double the power of will Only the world will live forever It’s only ourselves that we can kill
Inspired by Brian Dunning’s Skeptoid piece on the concrete industry’s 8.2% input of world carbon emissions.
If you dwell with a lame man, you will learn how to limp.
ancient proverb
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have taken the time and made the effort to cut some of the grass today. The birds are here finding spiders and other insects to eat in amongst the cuttings.
Got up late, went off for coffee and a bike ride, which got me chilled inside. Even when I got back and sat in the sun, I still felt cold inside.
After a quick yummy lunch, I felt compelled to get the grass cutter and mowed away the long grass and now everywhere looks like a bad haircut. It’ll grow out soon!
Showered and now listening to one of the Pili Coit CDs I ordered recently. But I have a slight feeling of agitation – that old Sunday feeling coming back. Tomorrow – back to the familiarity if stress, the crazy kids, the cool ones, the lack of time (forcing me to fill the spaces appropriately). Keep my free time filled.
The steeples point to heaven Yet my feet are here on earth The cities yield to the dirt Whilst the woods exercise their mirth
Solace amongst the battlements Whilst treading familiar paths Breath deep the cool pine air The sun sets upon our gentle hearts
United in our spiritual mores This ghostly presence felt Brings gladness to my heart For these present tidings dealt
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to Bruno to be able to help me plant a tree from a branch we pulled off from the side of the road. It’s only the size of a flower at the moment but I will plant it one day and watch it grow.
Be thankful for life’s difficulties. Grateful for those who show you disrespect. Thanks to those who judge and criticise without knowing more.
Thank you, Champ. I’m grateful that you let me rant at you and you showed some understanding. I calmed down later and I realised that that is because of you.
Thanks, George, for being consistently rude to me despite my being polite to you. Your behaviour feels like a challenge I can rise above and I’m sure you have your own motives and difficulties to deal with that I don’t understand. I can’t control the way you act so it won’t make me angry. I can control the way I act and respond – that is the test for me. So, thanks!
Thanks to the parents who complain about me as a teacher. I cannot control their actions and they have judged me on the words of their children without any interaction with me, so who am I to assume to know what they are complaining about?
Thanks to this virus that has challenged me to come up with new ways and means to teach and to spend my days.
Thanks to my aching back and sore butt from sitting on wooden chairs all day. Reminds me to move.
Thanks to the difficult students, the lazy ones, the pretenders, they are a constant challenge for me to improve myself.
Yesterday, when I went back to the teacher’s room, I had a long talk with Kru Karn and she couldn’t stop talking! Her English pronunciation is very Thai and she has a limited vocabulary but we had a good chat about all sorts of things and I enjoyed it very much.
I’ll try to have more connective conversations with some of the other teachers too. It’s often difficult to do when there are many teachers in the room but if I can find them alone, I will try. I’m not interested in becoming friends with any of them. In fact, what I think is that I just want to improve their English abilities! My students have better English than some of them!
I’m sitting in Game’s new cafe that just opened today. Another place for good coffee in Chiang Rai. I’m pretty spoiled for choice here.
Weirdly, this has made me think that I want to get another tattoo. I have some ideas for tattoos but haven’t gotten around to following up on them. No hurry, I suppose. We’ve got forever.
I’m doing a free online course about Coleridge that is influencing my writing a little. I don’t like to read poetry much but I do like it when it is explained. Much like the couple of Shakespeare books I picked up. I’m curious about language and its use. Maybe if I study enough I’ll be able to enjoy it without explanation.
Or I can keep on listening to music and enjoy screaming along to the words. I’ve printed out some lyrics that I want to analyse and keep thinking of more, and I also have this stupid plan to review all my CDs, one by one, which will actually force me to listen to them. I estimate that doing one a day may still take me 4 or 5 years to complete. Never mind all the digital music I have!
I still haven’t sat down to listen to the Leopold CD again. Oh well – I have forever, right?
I am so happy and grateful to be able to watch our jacarandas grow a few feet higher and the trunks a little thicker, every year.
Friday again already. It’s been great to be able to sit at House and keep up with lots of reading and writing. Next week I won’t have so much free time like this but have the pleasure of being face-to-face with students. I’m happy with all the scenarios at this stage. I’m enjoying everything. Is life too easy?
As with a couple of years ago, I’m kinda excited for Amy to go away for a while, leaving me to fend for myself and indulge in all my endeavours. I do know, though, that I will also get lonely and I will miss her a lot. Especially her cooking.
It looks as if Jess and Mei will be coming to Thailand soon too. It will be great to see them again and I know Amy will have a great time with them here.
I’ve had a long shower And I’m snuggled up with a book I can hear strange noises outside But can’t be bothered to look
I’m about to fall asleep The room is dark and black That’s when the screaming starts And when I know she’s back
She turns on all the lights And dances around the room Jumping up onto the bed I hope she finishes soon
She makes me laugh and makes me mad I’ll always love her to bits But right now I need to sleep And she’s really giving me the shits
Amy has turned much of our garden into a cactus oasis, not helped much by the long rainy season this year though. It was today I noticed that this delicate cactus was being held up by this tall ants nest, originally a stick in the ground. Ants will rule the world. They are also back in our kitchen building a small nest by the back door again.
Our neighbour’s dog, Tangmo, always enjoys coming to play but tends to go a bit nuts when he sees Kim Chi, who is usually behind a screen door inside her room. Today though, we’d just let her out when he decided to come visit and after a bit of chasing around the situation above occurred.
We worry that Tangmo could easily bite Kim Chi badly as he’s so much bigger and his barking and jumping around make her scared but usually, Kim will be the one chasing him away. Don’t fuck with our cats. Tangmo just seems to want to play but isn’t quite sure of the correct cat etiquette.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for LungChom and their delicious ice cream that I ate two bowls of last night in a state of overindulgence.
Feel good today after forcing myself to do my minimal daily exercise on the weekend (this morning is rest day so I did yoga instead). I also ate two bowls of ice cream last night – which were freaking delicious but perhaps a bit too much!
Oh stayed over last night, though I was in bed by then and didn’t see her this morning either. Amy is giving her a bread-baking tutorial. Amy also did a pre-order for her cinnamon buns and got inundated with requests, so much that she will be baking for three days instead of the planned one.
I listened to day 3 of the gratitude course this morning, which gave me two very important reminders. ‘I dismiss any thoughts that entertain feelings of comparison’ and ‘I embrace my journey because it is uniquely designed just for me.’ I think these constant habits of mine are slowly having the desired positive effect, though I am not particularly challenged these days, or at least I feel as if I’m not, which could also be because of these habits.
The semester is winding down now and I’m feeling pretty relaxed. I hope that students return next semester, as I don’t have anything else planned if we continue online and I also want to start my experiment with 2/9.
Last week I was getting a bit frustrated with my guitar playing but yesterday I got back into the flow, teaching me that it’s ok to relax, take a break if necessary and try again at another time. But it is not acceptable to give up.
I’m also working up the free time and courage to get back into learning the keyboard and music software and thinking about making songs again. I know I can do it but I’m also aware of what a time sink it will be.
Amy is still constantly frustrated with the situation in Thailand and I have to try and deflect or point out our positives so that it doesn’t get her too depressed. I am attempting to deal with the situation here stoically and I am happy to tell Amy that I am ok living anywhere in the world with her.
When she’s drunk, she will chide me with ‘you love it here, you can stay’ and whilst I wouldn’t say I love it here anymore than anywhere else, I am happily aware of how easy my life is compared to the UK and Australia. Even so, I will give it up if it makes Amy happier with herself and her situation.
Since Kim came back from the vet she has been fairly content to be stuck in her one-room paradise. The room is bigger than my own! We take her out on a leash each day but she doesn’t like it and just sits sniffing the air. She is getting more keen to dash out whenever we open the sliding screen door and occasionally I will let her roam close by and try not to let her run off.
This time I failed! She quickly jumped up the wall and onto the roof for a look around the trees, where she used to pull little birds out of their nests. I ran around the other side to the step ladder and poked my head up. Luckily she was curious enough to see my head in such an odd place and crept out from the cover of the leaves (can’t really camouflage orange!) and came to investigate whereupon I quickly scooped her up and back into the safety of her room.
It’s sad that she can’t be allowed outside but as she is still a rebellious fighting teenager cat we can’t risk her hurting herself with her weak and compromised body. We are trying a special medicine that has helped some cats fight back against leukaemia but there’s no real guarantee that it will work.
And as always, we get all 3 cats home for a few weeks before another gets sick and has to go and stay with the vet for a while. This time it’s Tigger, who has suffered kidney problems over the last few years. He was looking uncomfortable and stopped eating and the vet found he had high counts of something or other in his blood. He’s on a saline drip until that stabilises again.
We do love our cats.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be able to sit in our dining room and over the last three years watch our trees grow higher and higher. It’s the slow passing of time compared to the feeling of time accelerating.
Is manufacturing an enemy The right way to finding peace? Other powers must be countered As their influences increase Not content to share the riches Unprepared to let release There’s always money in warfare So the war must never cease
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the beautiful light purple flowers on our climbing plant.
Just looking back at an entry a year ago on 21st July 2020, I note I was not writing as much as before and I can see from this (physical book that I’m writing in) book that I have not been so diligent in the last 12 months. But I’m ok with that.
I still do lots of writing and have changed the focus of entries in this journal a little. I also feel that writing here was a lot more necessary last year than today. I’m feeling more stable in general and ok with everything. I do have to remember though that if I fall down at some point, that the journaling habit is most useful in those times.
I also noted back in that entry from a year ago that I talked about converting all my old DVDs. That task is still ongoing, though almost complete, at least for all the old movies I downloaded and burned to disc. I still have 100s more store-bought DVDs.
Again, I will never have enough time to watch them but I do enjoy the fact that I can and that I can share them for others too. Much like the books on my shelves waiting to be read. I won’t let them be a burden for me. It’s not a task I must try to complete. Collecting, cataloguing, it’s just part of who I am.
The feature picture (above) is a picture that we have to take every year for my visa application, to show that we are the happy family that we are telling them we are. We also have to supply a picture in our living room and bedroom!
The dog, Tangmo (Watermelon), is our neighbour’s but he is increasingly happy to be at our house these days as we give him love, pats and attention. We do not listen to the aunties who insist that we should hit him when he’s naughty. And they don’t understand why he likes to visit us so much…
This is the view from behind the village market, across the paddies looking towards our house, which you can see on the left, with the green fence. On the hill on the horizon is the stupa. I still don’t know what they indicate or ceremonies they are used for.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for our fresh-cut garden again. I love it when it’s been tended to and happy to pay for someone to do it (5 people!).
Let’s be straight and say what we mean Because saving your face doesn’t keep it clean Words that please can be heard as lies To misunderstanding they give rise
Are you really so delicate you can’t hear The truth when spoken loud and clear We’re going backwards, why not advance Here’s the real world, given a chance
I am so happy and grateful to be kept busy by my students. It is a difficult task to motivate them when teaching online so I spend a lot of extra time chasing them up.
Kim Chi is here in my room, and as she has stolen my chair, I have time to sit here on the floor and write this. I don’t want to push her off as she is very happy and relaxed with her paws over her eyes to block out the light.
I am home today, after arriving at school, out for a quick delicious coffee, back to start my lesson, only for Dylan to come and see me and when I saw he was wearing his backpack I asked him where he was going and he said ‘have you heard that there’s no classes today?’ Responding in the negative, he said that the Thai teachers were all going off for their second dose of vaccines and cancelled all classes – without telling us! So typical and annoying.
When I called our coordinator, he just said, ‘Oh, I thought you knew!’ How the fuck were we supposed to know!?
In the past, I would’ve gotten really wound up by this bad communication – especially as I’m always well-organised and have lessons planned around a regular schedule. Today, though, it’s just, oh well, at least I can go home and relax.
First, I went with Dylan to his girlfriend’s cafe, Tongsiam and had a coffee and chat there. His girlfriend, Wa, is a nice, level-headed girl, just out of Uni and looking for a more rewarding job.
Two coffees later (another delicious one at Utopia), and I got home for lunch – much to Amy’s surprise. And now, I’m relaxing in my room – after a quick go at the grass with the cutter, until it ran out of petrol. I feel compelled to get it back into proper working order again and make a little more effort in the garden, which is totally out of control at the moment due to constant rain this year.
I’m finding it a little difficult to love it here at the moment, but I must remember that I will be here for another 5-10 years at least, as I will stay here for our cats. I guess it’s all the frustration of not being able to go anywhere at the moment, too, and the Covid situation getting worse in Thailand. It’s hard to see an end to it or even the much-touted ‘new normal. ‘
Still, it’s my mind that needs to get in order – the world is going to carry on.
A youthful head full of fantasies Love songs sung out of bedroom windows Piercing dark eyes staring into mine I study every contour of the dimples ’round your nose
Desperately seeking the warmth and comfort To learn the secrets of your touch Six more aching hearts on the other side The urges of desire are too much
14th Mar 2025 – This poem suggests deep, though unclear, memories of the feelings from that time.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the passionfruit plants I bought that are growing like crazy and about to bring us lots of fruit. It’s so good to watch something grow from seed and get flowers or fruit from it.
The weekends disappear so fast – weekdays too, really. Still, at least this weekend I had time to continue posting to my blog and also going through old bits of writing and letters and considering how to add them at some point.
It’s weird to be spending time documenting the past and not really doing that much in the now. I guess it is a good time to be doing it though, as the virus continues to spread around the country.
Amy has continued her dancing regime and lost a little weight again. I had my first drink in a while last weekend and feel I somewhat suffered for it through the rest of the week by not doing much exercise and gaining a little weight. The hangover wasn’t so bad, but the wasted time stings.
I’m really enjoying playing guitar, though it is hard for me to perfect it, it’s keeping me focused.
At Utopia this morning, besides drinking two fabulous coffees, Art was telling me his building is without water again. Every time he complains to ‘the people’ (I don’t know who actually controls this), they just tell him that he should understand that it happens because he is a long way from the source. This is an obvious cop-out, as he pays the same as someone right next to the source. People are really lazy to make things work efficiently and for everybody here. Unequal and corrupt, as Art was able to tell me through Google translation.
I can ignore this kind of thing most of the time, though I have been (perhaps mistakenly) following the Thai news a bit more closely these days due to the spread of the virus, and I see these kinds of symptoms everywhere. I feel frustrated for the kids I teach. I have a way out, but they may not.
1994ever 