When I woke that morning finding that I no longer had all the answers,
My life changed forever and I could become a friend
I will follow your hand when you say ‘look’, I will follow your eyes, to laugh in the company of a friend.
A thought after reading these lines from Mary Oliver here:
Let me keep my distance, always, from those who think they have the answers. Let me keep company always with those who say “Look!” and laugh in astonishment, and bow their heads.
And thinking about how I was always doubtful about my friendship with George, someone who seemed to have all the answers. But then I turned it around to my young arrogant self when I thought I, too, had all the answers. Realising that I didn’t have all the answers allowed me to be able to invite the kind of friends that I wanted into my life. And I wonder if this might be why the ‘wonderful, always smiling, wise’ George, who always professed to have all the answers, actually has few friends.
With the brightest smiles and feined sincerity that serves you so well As the bee flits from candied purple to butterfly blue You’re on your way keeping all that honey as stored ammunition
It’s Me
The facade crumbled the honey on my lips enlightened by my taste Poison to my senses the comfort of your nest no longer warms I’m on my way I’ll make space for the next fool you find
The wise sage, somewhat cynical Knows what to say and when The optimist, still straight and clinical Is in trouble with words again
Yet when the time came to inspire The sage’s words fell short Because one’s dreams also require Revision to what has been taught
Maybe the fire inside was unseen So the sage had to be let go Not understanding what it would mean To be held back by what one would know
Inspired by a newsletter from Daivd Elikwu about the dangers of role models and my own experience I am currently revisiting from 2020 with my then role model, George.
How can you ever let me down? We’re not made to be broken Just like fools, we left so much unspoken Now the future is a past that’s come back around We were made to be broken How could you ever let me down?
Not bad once I got going, it was a struggle to get up this morning and my right shoulder was a little achy from using the new silica scrubs I ordered from Temu in the shower last night. For some reason, I had a sudden urge to clean.
Amy came with me this morning as she had some things to do in the city and she’ll pick me up again at 2.30 for my only day of the week to be able to get home a little early.
Health:
Physical: 7 Mental: 8
Today I’m grateful for:
My old students, Ploy and Ozone, playfully begging me to teach them again. I’m not sure exactly what brought this on for them but it made me feel good.
I wish I could teach everyone who begs to be taught!
The best thing about today was:
Listening to my grade 8s attempting to read a reasonably difficult passage of text and doing way better than I expected.
They are no longer afraid to try and to fail or get things wrong. Though some still need to be pushed to work because they are not really interested, I can see that they do have the capabilities if they so desired. Unfortunately, they are too busy with distractions most of the time.
Something I learned today?
Today I learned something that has left me a little stunned.
When Amy picked me up, she told me that she had gone to Nut’s house to have lunch with her and Bee, as Bee was visiting the psych at MFU.
Bee then told the whole story about her and George and it is fucking amazing!
Firstly, Bee moved out of their house about 3 years ago and they have been separate ever since! All this time, we have been saying that George was holding her back and that she was stupid to stay and she had actually already left.
This got me thinking about why she never said anything before and it turns out that George is still trying to influence her and to keep things secret from other people.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. We were all shocked to know that they were actually married! Neither of them had ever told any one of us so-called friends about this.
And why did she leave? She finally had enough of his vicious manipulation and control and had to get away from him. She said that he is totally self-absorbed and selfish. He has no friends and only cares about himself.
Well, those things I had figured out for myself and now I feel completely validated. He is indeed the dark empath, the smiling narcissist.
Bee said that he talks badly about everybody behind their backs. This is also a reminder for me to try and not to do the same thing but this one is going to be difficult, as I would love to put him in his place. I’d like to wipe that smirking smile off his face!
Interesting that Kru Mai said George no longer talks with him in the teachers’ room but that George has told others that it is Kru Mai who no longer talks to him!
My mind is blown by all these revelations and it makes me feel more confident in myself. All those times he tried to manipulate and control me, too and got upset when I refused to comply – it’s all making sense and falling into place.
I should never have doubted myself. I realise now that on quite a few occasions in my past, I have been a very good judge of character.
I learned a lot about myself today and that’s great!
Review your acts, Good and bad.
I bought an inspirational poster online and put it up in one of my classrooms today. I will refer to it at different times during my lessons.
I took this picture because today is Halloween and crazy little Winter wore this to school. He is fucking hilarious!
Every accusation a confession; peace through violent aggression
Manipulated media suppression, leading to depression
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good and positive. For some reason, I woke up well before my alarm and was hoping that I still had hours to sleep but I couldn’t calm my mind down enough or get stupid songs out of my head. Never mind.
I skipped exercise but did some dead hangs, which felt good. After breakfast, I picked up a decent coffee at Utopia and, upon arriving at school, set to printing out all my grading files, which involved a bit of dicking around to make them acceptable for the school, such as the girl who never came to class suddenly having 100% attendance. So it goes.
Health:
Physical: 7 Mental: 8
Today I’m grateful for:
Kru Mai, Jern and PP for helping me sort out the printing of this semester’s grading files.
The best thing about today was:
Writing poetry and reading comics. I also enjoyed playing the guitar today, more so than yesterday, for sure.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
As I was sitting in the teacher’s room this morning, at 9 am, all the Thai teachers went off for a meeting, so I was left by myself, busy updating my files to print.
About ten minutes later, George turns up and, on seeing me, just drops off his bag and leaves the room without saying a word. He was pacing up and down outside the room and making phone calls.
About ten minutes later, he comes back in and collects his bag and leaves again, without saying a word. I didn’t see him again, though I stayed around at the cafe until midday.
My lizard eye spies surprise Sideways sly spy in the skies Explain a name, much the same A play for fame explains the game
To beat the heat or face defeat You gotta cheat the play complete I did the do in watching you So talk me through the dimmest view
Before there’s more along the floor See what I see, saw what I saw Split decision at the supervision I got television with precision-vision I got an eye on you
Not as tired as I usually am by Friday which is pleasing. I’ve already done my morning classes again and they went pretty well. Just my lively grade 8s to go and then off home again.
Today I’m grateful for:
The last drips and drops of my pay cheque that allow me to buy my yoghurt, that should tide me over until next month.
I don’t have enough money to pay for Amy’s birthday dinner now and have to figure out a way to get the credit card out of her wallet on the night without her noticing!
The best thing about today was:
The many interactions with students again, mostly mine but also a few new ones that wanted to talk.
Days like this make all the effort I put in feel worthwhile. I feel like any little small interaction is helping these kids in some way.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I have a sore spot right on the end of my tailbone. I’ve had it before and maybe it was at the same time last year. It feels like dry skin that has maybe split. It could be from spending more time sitting on hard wooden chairs or from doing more exercise at this time of year. I’m not sure. It’s more annoying than painful.
After my first class, I walked past the classroom where George was with the grade 11s that I also teach. The kids were mostly sprawled out across the floor asleep and George sat at his desk engrossed in his phone.
Well…. That’s not a great look in my book but whatever. It seems most of the Thai teachers don’t care either. But I feel at least a little bit responsible for giving these kids as much as I can, whether they would prefer to sleep or not!
Something I learned today?
China just found a cure for Type 2 diabetes and the USA wants to stop their citizens from getting access to treatment by blocking US scientists from working with Chinese Pharmaceuticals.
Review your acts, Good and bad.
Aida was looking a bit down again today and she said that she has a falling out with a couple of her friends in the class. I encouraged her to not overthink things and that it may already be ok again by next week.
I can feel that she thinks quite deeply about things and maybe focuses too much on the negative.
I took this picture because these fruits (or nuts) caught my eye as I got out of my car after a quick lunch coffee.
Pretty good considering that I was dead to the world until my alarm went off this morning. Managed some exercise and a 5-minute (what could possibly be described as a) meditation.
Today I’m grateful for:
Finding that Sydney Swans played yesterday against the Bulldogs and so I watched the Mini Match and happy to report that we pulled through for another win. The Swans are currently well clear at the top but there’s still a ways to go.
I’m still annoyed that I can’t watch the full matches, especially this year, as we’re doing so well!
The best thing about today was:
In my final class of the day with my grade 8s I have what you might call another ‘rogue’ student. She, Sugus, is a friend of Aida’s and has been coming to my class occasionally since last year but now she seems to come all the time.
She’s a quiet kid and doesn’t cause any problems for me but I told her that if she wants to stay then she has to do some work, to which she agreed.
Today’s class is an easy reading class and I asked Sugus to come and read for me and she did very well, better than some of my actual students!
So I talked with her some more about why she doesn’t go to her own class and if the teacher isn’t concerned about her. She couldn’t quite describe why she doesn’t go except that she feels bad when she does.
I’m a bit suspicious that something untoward might have happened but I didn’t push it.
Anyway, I told her that she was welcome to stay in my class and she thanked me and said that my class is fun for her. I was quite pleased about that.
It’s weird really. There’s no pressure on her to perform and there’s no pressure on me to teach her. With us both relaxed about it I think she will learn a lot!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
For my second class today, with the Hospitality grade 11s I suddenly found 12 extra students! Without telling me, and without anyone telling them why they have put two different programs together so I’m now teaching students in the Japanese program too. So much for my plans for this semester! I guess I’ll jag everything in somehow.
Something I learned today?
Chatting with David he told me that George complained to Nancy that he doesn’t want to teach the new Integrated Program to the grade 10s and so, magically, he no longer is. Now he only teaches grade 11 and 12. What a princess!
Last year he refused to teach grade 9 and now refuses grade 10. Maybe time is running out for him.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
This evening I’m still helping my grade 11 students with their presentation homework and replying to their messages.
Did you do something difficult or challenging today?
As I think about it, much of the day was challenging (as described above) but somehow I seemed to take it in my stride.
Tonaor took this picture because as she likes to do sometimes when she sees me she says ‘selfie!’ and so I hand her my phone.
Romans once bathed here Wiping blood from their beat brows Spa after sparring Solsbury Hill looks Down River Avon Valley Somerset steam rose Conscious hearts beating We ran through these stone warrens Love in ancient times Praying at the monastery A different sacking was done
Good though a little nervous in the stomach. I think I have my head around how I’m going to do things in my classes.
I can feel less enthusiasm in the air with everyone this morning as the reality of classes starts to hit.
I have a three-flight climb to my first class too and it was already an English summer 27 degrees at 7 am this morning.
One of the boy students was already smelling off by 9am! And later in the day I saw David in his class of new grade 7s and the whole room stank of rank teenage sweat, like a changing room after five hours of football.
Today I’m grateful for:
Sometimes speaking up and sometimes keeping quiet. I told the school that I didn’t want to teach the new Integrated Program until it was settled in and that I also didn’t want to teach the grade 9s this year and so it came to be.
So when I got new classes scattered around the school and more hours than the other teachers, I didn’t say anything and just accepted it.
My first class today was in a new (to me) building and on arrival I discovered that the internet cable and wifi don’t work which is a bit of a problem for the method that I teach, everything being stored on Google Drive.
I sent a message to Kru Mai that this was going to be a problem for the five classes I have in the building and he quickly scouted out other classrooms that I could use back in our usual building and voila – four out of five of the classes solved!
When I told Kru David about this he mentioned that sometimes it’s good to speak up and ask for some things and not just expect it. He also mentioned that George was not happy that he has to teach the Integrated Program now. He’s had it good for a long time but as soon as something is not to his taste he’s getting antsy.
The best thing about today was:
After my first two classes I managed to get back to House for a coffee refill and sat down to do some writing.
I noticed a pretty young lady studiously working on her iPad in the corner in amongst a lot of people coming and going – probably the busiest I’ve ever seen the cafe. Some days I might be the only customer all the time I’m in there!
Later the lady got up and as she came to the counter, caught my eye and I thought I recognised her so gave a little smile and then when she smiled back I realised that it was Pear, who used to work there. She has changed her style a lot but I could easily recognise her smile.
She was studying hard to pass a university entrance exam as she has taken a five-year gap year! I could sense that she wanted to talk and indeed, she sat down and said that when it comes to English she could read and write easily but doesn’t have much opportunity for speaking.
Actually her listening and understanding is good too and when speaking she can find the words in her head most of the time but it is interrupting her flow. I could feel that she is driving herself to improve so I stopped what I was doing and we chatted until it was time for me to go.
Something I learned today?
I learned bits and pieces about my new class of 41 grade 12 students.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
After I finished my classes I sent Pear a piece of text to practice reading for me so I could help her more with her speaking. She replied quickly and I sent a couple more and I will help her when I have free time.
Did you do something difficult or challenging today?
Motivating tired sweaty students at the end of the day was a challenge and I have three days where classes end at 4.30 pm but it’s looking more likely that I will have to end them all at 4 pm most of the time, which is fine by me!
When was the last time I felt misunderstood?
I can clearly remember thinking that I was being misunderstood by Amy about something that we were quarrelling about but I seem to put quarrels out of my mind (whilst subconsciously learning the lesson of the argument!) so that now I’ve forgotten what it was even about!
Shacked up with a slacker Who said our gold was in the hills A guitar strapped to his back To sing of other people’s thrills
The words are spat with bitterness The war is raging in his head But anger without direction Is replaced by apathy instead
The party starts at home With our disaffected friends With the battle in our songs Forgotten when it ends
Stirred into one final action When the pipe of peace got broke Understanding that our pain Is only countered by the smoke
So it was, we came and went We conquered nothing at all We disappeared without a trace Into the bottom of the bowl
Nearer heaven we rested heads Too tired to take our chance Extinguished, all those little fires Where we no longer dance
inspired by ‘The Slacker’ in Zachary Mexico’s book China Underground
Today I’m feeling:
A little better again though still not quite right in the sinuses. Exercise got me going and I felt in a good mood for the whole day.
Today I’m grateful for:
The vegetarian food from Oasis and dessert snacks from the snack shop. Hopefully, there are snack boxes left over again tonight.
The best thing about today was:
Teaching my grade 10 class again. It’s a good feeling to have more mature students who try and want to understand more.
It did get me feeling a little like asking to spread out the classes between the foreign teachers so that not all the juniors are dumped on me and David. I know asking this is going to upset George though as he refuses to teach the younger ones, but it feels a little unfair not to split them more evenly.
I would be less tired at the end of the week and David is always talking of quitting because of the stress of his junior classes. I love those kids but I also value my health.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Another day of going with the flow mostly.
Something I learned today?
As I teach my grade 10s about relationships I’m learning a little about each of them and their personalities. Toon told me she is a people pleaser whilst Milk doesn’t care if a boy is interested in her. They joked that between them they make a balanced human being.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I gave some leftover snacks from last night’s ceremony to some students this morning.
I drove Amy and me home and back to the city to pick up snack boxes and food for tonight’s ceremony.
I took this picture because Tokyo was pretty relaxed. I still have to be very careful with her though. She can bite really quickly and with no apparent provocation.
Right now you are feeling so sad and down about life. One week ago today you took little Kim to the vet where they told you she would have to stay overnight. By the next day she was gone and on the following day you buried her next to the garage.
That first week without her has been hellish. With Amy away in Australia, herself suffering the sadness along with the inability to comfort each other, it feels like double emptiness. One little cat had made such a great impact on your own little life.
You try and fill the space with Cap and Tig but their own individual personalities don’t cut it. They have their own thing going on.
Along with all this is the terrible air pollution burning your eyes and giving you headaches. When you read this it will just be a memory and hopefully you are enjoying the clean fresh air at the end of rainy season and looking forward to winter. Don’t forget this though. This shitty air will come again. Be prepared.
As the ghosts of Hellcat still haunt you, slowly this pain will dampen and I hope that all you have now are the best memories of little Kim Chi and all the love she brought to you. Like all that you’ve lost in your life – mum, Steve, Kimi – they were special.
This is hard to write. I’m sitting here in Utopia feeling a little like not wanting to go home and be surrounded by the memories. It’s the holidays now and not wanting to go out into the foul air means staying home and subjecting myself to the constant reminders of that bright-eyed little one.
I hope you are feeling better mate. Shaun from the past
Today I’m feeling:
Aching all over. Old muscles must’ve been activated yesterday. I slept well enough and woke up before my 8 am alarm but feel like today may need a nap to catch up fully.
I was dizzy drinking my coffee and have come home and got back into bed! I don’t feel sleepy, just tired.
Today I’m grateful for:
Yesterday! Despite my tired body, I feel great, especially after a two-hour top-up of sleep. Slowly I’m feeling (and seeing) the benefits of my exercise habit.
The best thing about today was:
I enjoyed playing guitar today and ended up playing for about an hour and a half. I didn’t do a whole lot of anything else much otherwise though. No exercise at all today. Give my body a chance to recover.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Around 2 pm I decided to go out to the shop next to Utopia to get my favourite dish, Lard Na, but when I got there the lady said she’d run out of the crispy noodles. She provided a solution in Thai that I didn’t understand but agreed to and waited with some trepidation. But I shouldn’t have worried because the thick rice noodles she used she had added an egg too which had gone crispy and tasty, all buried under the usual sauce, tofu and veggies I like.
Something I learned today?
I watched a couple more episodes of The Making of Apocalypse Now and understood more the parallels of the history, the movie’s story and the making of it. The crew went through their own kinds of hell to make it possible. Quite an impressive feat and one of my favourite movies.
What do I hope to achieve someday?
100? To wake up with no aches? Recognition, immortality, legend?
Complete 100% satisfaction and happiness?
I feel like I don’t have any real goals set to tick off any achievements and now I pass the mantle on to Hayden and my students. They have potentially more future ahead of them than I do and my hope is that they achieve some of their dreams and wishes.
I took this picture because this little buddy was pleased to see me again and quickly presented her belly for rubs.
1994ever 