Tag: gratitude journal

Slumber still won’t visit thee – 8th January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

What is something you would love to learn?

I really want to learn to meditate in an effort to calm my mind. My mind is no longer busy with negative thoughts but quite often with useless thoughts. I just want to calm those down if I can.

I also want to learn to practice the things I have been reading about and put them into action. This is far more difficult than expected and I’m hoping that just by continually being exposed to them that it will rub off on my day-to-day actions.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to manage myself and my time and be adaptable to sudden changes. Today I got given an extra class which could have been annoying but it was perfect as it is for a class I will miss on Friday so having to do the class now means those kids won’t be behind.

From commonplace book

Without knowledge of what I am and why I am here, it is impossible to live.

Levin, Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy, pg 908

To-do list

  • Think, then speak.✅
  • Do something nice for someone.
  • Start putting together exam questions.
  • Help Boyan with ideas for English camp. ✅
  • Practice gratitude about the school. ✅

I caught myself a couple of times and chose to stop talking and let the other person speak. At the meeting yesterday I was pleased that Boyan chose to want me to work with. He’s not an easy person to make an impression on so i felt a little flattered that he felt I was OK enough to work with. He came primed with an idea in the morning and by the end of the day we had it all fleshed out and ready to go.

I spent a good bit of time writing out why I’m grateful for the school. That was tough but I managed to fill a whole (small) page.

Ran out of time for exam questions but have everything else for the semester completed now. I also picked up the grade 6 books and have challenged myself to write a week’s worth of lessons from those (at least). Even if I don’t end up teaching that next semester it is still good to keep planning.

In the morning I got given an extra class which became quite fortunate as it meant I could complete the full week of regular English classes which wouldn’t have happened as planned as I’ll be away on Friday. This potential negative turned out to be very helpful and I handled it well. The students were really happy to see me too which made me feel good.

My general negative thoughts from yesterday have all disappeared today and I have noticed myself being more comfortable around the kids again. In some ways, not being able to hug or touch them has created a little distance which has made me care a little less about them. Maybe by care less, I mean more detached. This is probably a good thing for now.

Today I also wrote a little more to Lachlan and received audio files back from Jochen – it was nice to hear his voice again. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to edit it all yet but I’m looking forward to the challenge.

Just by chance, as I was reading Anna Karenina a perfect passage stuck out to me and became my first entry in my commonplace book (see above).

Tomorrow we have some sort of Buddhist ceremony event and I’m not sure what we are required to do and if it involves doing some sort of ritual thing. I’m undecided about whether to refuse or not. I asked George about this a couple of weeks ago and he said he would just do it – who cares? I read today to copy the actions of people you respect so thinking that that’s what I will do.

I also hope to clear out a bunch of emails that I’ve had sitting around. They are not important but challenges that may take a little time to do – I’ll see if I can print them out and do them that way.

Could not wait to get wired for sound – 7th January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Things to be grateful for in this school:
– I have a printer!
– There is aircon and fans.
– There are enough resources for my teaching.
– I have a lot of spare time.
– The keen students make me happy.
– I have a desk, electricity, chair, water, board and markers, TV and computer.
– I understand what I need to do.
– It’s easy to get to work.
– My co-teacher is helpful and nice.
– The other teachers are nice.
– There’s no real gossip or if there is, I don’t hear about it.
– I have good classes of kids.
– There is toilet paper!
– I’m learning to think whilst surrounded by noise.
– I’m practising patience every day.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the ease with which I can talk with my son, something that was much more difficult when I moved away from my mum. I am so happy and grateful that I was able to afford technology when I wanted it and invested in expensive and long-lasting equipment.

From commonplace book

He had been not so much horrified by death as by life with the slightest knowledge of its origin, its purpose, its reason and its nature.

Levin, Anna Karenina by Leo Tolsoy, pg 904

To-do list

  • Get new passport photos. ✅
  • Start thinking about work permit requirements. ✅
  • Practice gratitude about the school.
  • Think, then speak. Do not complain. You will be surrounded by complainers. ✅
  • Write to Jochen. ✅

After attending a meeting in the morning, for a 4-day English ‘camp’ (not sure why they use this word) I was thinking a lot of negative thoughts. There was nothing particularly wrong about the items of the meeting but just the whole lack of coordinated planning got into my head. It affects the Thai teachers too as they are unable to answer our questions.

I kept my mouth shut as much as possible and started to feel complete disinterest in teaching in these schools. I even started to question my enthusiasm for teaching at home too. Thailand is getting to me a little bit.

I soldiered on and late in the day Kru Noon confided quite a lot of her doubts about the school. I used that opportunity to be quiet and she talked and talked. She had a lot of useful information though nothing particularly positive for the future at that school. So with all that, I don’t think I did practice any gratitude about the school today. Only having two lessons was a joy at least.

Amy and I both went to the track to walk/run after I got home. It’s tough to motivate yourself so I’m hoping to tie this habit with getting home from work and going for exercise. I feel pretty good at the moment (physically) and able to lose a bit of weight and keep it off. I pushed up squats to 40 and will stick with that for a week or two.

My self-control was mostly tested in that morning meeting and I think I did well and was able to tell myself ‘Shut up, don’t say anything’. Tomorrow I would like to continue this thinking before speaking practice, especially before saying anything negative. I think I caught myself a couple of times today and quickly tried to stop talking or change the subject

Praise to men who have no king – 6th January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Prudence – behaviour that is careful and avoids risks
Courage – the ability to control your fear in a dangerous or difficult situation
Justice – fairness in the way people are dealt with
Temperance – control of your own behaviour

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have enough money in my hand and enough time in my schedule to be able to buy myself a coffee.

From commonplace book

Dreaming is the ability to see something that doesn’t exist yet.

Mel Robbins (?)

To-do list

  • Call Hayden and congratulate him on doing some fundraising. ✅
  • It’s Monday. Classes will be tough. You are mentally prepared! ✅
  • You will deal with any emotional challenges calmly. Do not speak until later. ½
  • Run after work.
  • Prepare files for Jochen. ✅

It’s Monday and the classes were tough! But I was prepared for the feelings of frustration. I dealt with it as best as I could and felt pretty good about all the classes by the end of the day.

I managed to talk with Hayden after a missed call earlier in the day and we chatted for a good half an hour. He seems quite enthused with ideas at the moment and seems to be on a better path to planning his future. I did congratulate him on his fundraising activities. He’s not just thinking about himself during these times of crisis in Australia and has found a good way to apply himself in the circumstances.

No real emotional challenges came my way today but I did catch myself complaining a couple of times. It feels like a very fine line between stating some facts about events and complaining about them. At least I’m catching myself – now I just need to catch myself before saying anything.

I have a bit of a chest cough today and time ran out for us to go running too. I had the will but was still a little exhausted from driving so much yesterday.

So I took the time to prepare mp3s for Jochen, uploaded and emailed. I think the final results could be quite fun. It will be fun to put together anyway.

My self-control was fully tested in my classes today and, although I did well, I can still do better.

Tomorrow will be a test as we have a meeting about something that we haven’t really been told about and are apparently supposed to be prepared for. It is quite a normal situation these days so that is something that I am OK with.

I’m expecting that this thing is supposed to be on a weekend though and already prepared for a discussion about attendance as I have already warned them that I will not work on weekends under any circumstances.

To say the first things on my mind – 5th January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Philosophical Meditation

What am I currently upset about?
What am I currently anxious about?
What am I currently curious or excited about?

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to watch the daybreak as I drive over the mountains to Chiang Mai. It was very beautiful.

From commonplace book

How many things that seemed at the time beautiful and inaccessible to me have since become insignificant, and the things I had then are forever unattainable now.

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy pg 870

To-do list

  • Wake up at 5 am with a big smile ½
  • Help Dad with driving to and from Chiang Mai ✅
  • Talk with Ting about her life in the UK ½
  • Think about more things you like about Hayden and if there’s time, write them into the questions journal
  • It’s a long and wearisome day for everyone – be conscious not to complain. ✅

I didn’t wake up with a smile but I put one on my face when I read my list in the morning.

So, I ended up driving both to and from Chiang Mai. I was in a bit of a daze but I did manage to ask Ting a little bit about her life back in the U.K.

I didn’t complain today, that I remember, but I think it’s easier to recognise when you are not complaining than when you are.

Despite having six hours of driving and thinking time I didn’t think about Hayden but when I got home I saw that he is doing some fundraising for RFS in Australia. I know he has a good and kind heart. I must call him soon. I’ll put it on my list for tomorrow.

Though he was very small, he did what he was told – 3rd January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Jimmy talked to me today and told me he had complaints from parents about me hugging the kids. I got a little defensive, unfortunately, as to me, it’s not a big deal. But I need to understand how the kids might feel if they are influenced by this culture and their parent’s understanding.

(Later) Fuck me, these kids drive me crazy. Fucking annoying obnoxious little brats.

What am I doing here? I feel like I’m wasting my time trying to teach them anything. Fuck – it was a bad day.

I felt a little better after looking at what I have prepared for them next week. I don’t know if things will go well enough but at least it has a little more structure than today. I need to try and concentrate on the ones who want to learn and ignore all the others.

I wish I could explain to the parents that their children (the ones who want to learn) are constantly held back by the rest of the class. I don’t know how much they would care. It’s a pointless thought anyway because it will never happen. So – I have to keep myself happy somehow and fuck everything else.

It’s not really contenting so I hope Amy and I can work out a way to get out of this position by developing our own classes – something that is somewhat fraught with danger due to work conditions.

Gratitude Journal

What a sunrise this morning. I am so happy and grateful to be able to view this every morning.

From commonplace book

…these fragments of musical expressions good as some of them were, stuck me as unpleasant because they were entirely unexpected and unprepared for. Gaiety, sadness, despair, tenderness, triumph burst upon the ear without any justification, just like the emotions of a madman. And, as with a madman, these emotions vanished just as unexpectedly.

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy, pg 789

To-do list

  • Compliment everybody. ½
  • What you read – read deeply.
  • Write back to Lachlan. ✅
  • Write to Kieran – anyone else?
  • Look for nice things to do for others.
  • Smile a lot – do not complain.
  • Get books from Mohan.

I started today well by complimenting the teacher on gate duty. My first class went well too despite my initial worries.

Things got derailed from there though as Jimmy talked to me that a parent had called to complain that their daughter cried at home because I hugged her. Jimmy said not to touch the students or he didn’t know what would happen.

I put forward my case that it is my style and though I understood what he was saying that it could happen again. I know the benefit of hugs and haven’t come across any signs from the students that they are upset by it.

I tried to stay as neutral as I could but was infuriated, not listening or choosing to misunderstand me. I got annoyed when it looked to me as if he was pretending to take a phone call and just started talking to his phone, cutting off what I was saying.

I did notice myself quickly trying to think about the content of what he said and despite being a bit miffed I thought that I have to accept this if I want to stay working.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t keep it out of my mind and as I thought more I thought perhaps that no students had actually complained but that he (or another teacher) had made the complaint. This certainly made more sense in the context of the conversation as Jimmy was quite vague and evasive.

Still – there is the message that they want to give me either way.

I wrote out a few different thoughts and ideas and my approach at the moment is to push more to teaching students at home – no boss, no stupid systems to follow and kids actually interested to learn more. Teaching at home comes it’s own predicaments as it’s technically illegal without a work permit and I could get thrown out of the country. This left me anxious somewhat and unsure of which way to turn.

My thinking right now is to teach until the end of the semester and see where things are at. I feel like I have to be like a robot more now – which I think is what they want. Good little automatons that can be used when required.

My patience was tested and broke in my last class and that was quite upsetting but I have thought of a strategy to attempt to stop it from happening again. Let’s just hope it is acceptable.

I’m still thinking about all this so it’s not clear from my mind yet. I have the weekend to adjust.

Everything had a name and everything had a place – 2nd January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Get people to like you

1. Seek someone else’s thoughts and opinions without judging them. Ask questions. Listen. Do not judge.
2. Do not correct someone. Do not one-up with a clever story.
3. Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next and focus on what they’re saying now. Tell yourself ‘I’m not going to say it!’
4. Ask about what challenges people have. Ask for advice.
5. To make strangers feel at ease tell them you only have a minute.
6. Body language – smile slower.
7. If you feel someone is using you just ask them what it is they want and what they hope to achieve. Are you there for me or there for you?

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the beautiful smelling flowers in my garden. When I walk to my car in the morning they smell so delicious. I am grateful to Amy’s mum for planting them for us.

To-do list

  • Sort lessons for KT for the weekend.
  • Clear emails.
  • Compliment another teacher.
  • Positive feedback for kids always.
  • Do not complain!
  • Organise Chiang Mai trip – where is the office?
  • Add to things to write about list.
  • Buy new pens.

Did it list

  • 30 squats and weightless shoulder presses.
  • Found lessons suitable for Khawthang.
  • Did gate duty and smiled at all the kids.
  • Had to speak at assembly.
  • Got given an exam lesson to cover as Kevin was absent. Dealt with calmly and went ok.
  • Went to city to pick up books and pens.
  • Printed sheets for Prang/Sea and for Khawthang.
  • Read about 7 tips for good conversation.
  • Let people talk, ask questions, do not judge, ‘that’s interesting, tell me more’ etc – sincerely.

I ran out of time quickly today after having to fill in an extra lesson for Kevin’s class. His class had good kids though with good levels of English – so it was quite fun to teach them. I only got told about having to do the class during the assembly. I also had to speak at the assembly as Said wasn’t there either. I’m quite happy with the way I handled my emotions with this. It would have been easy to get upset and complain.
I don’t think I complained today – not out loud anyway!
I didn’t get as much done (reading articles!) as I would have liked but that’s ok.
I need to get some other backup games and lessons up my sleeve in case I’m called on again.
I’m not sure about doing an MEP class next semester. I think it could be more fulfilling but also a lot more work.

Don’t you forget about me – 1st January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Thankfully, I didn’t drink much last night so woke up early and started doing a few things and the day has ended up quite well. A few ideas for more things I’d like to do this year. Slowly, my man cave is getting in order.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to my old friends, who are busy now, as we all are, but haven’t forgotten about me. I won’t forget about them either.

Weight: 80.5kg
Resting heart rate: 47

My friend Rosie, in Sydney, posted on facebook an offer to draw/paint pictures to send to friends and so I picked Jochen (Hinterlandt), Kyaw Kyaw (Rebel Riot) and Lachlan (Art As Catharsis). I can’t recall if I arranged for her to send out the actual pictures too but they all received them digitally around this time. A great philanthropic idea for sure and I was very happy to take Rosie up on her offer.

To-do list

  • Dye hair.
  • Sort more old writing and things in room.
  • Next Thai video and Drops.
  • Find something for teaching KT.
  • Wix forum options.

Did it list

  • Read 3 chapters.
  • Got up early.
  • Dyed my hair.
  • Recorded another TCRAH.
  • Sorted through old writing and letters.
  • Streamlined more online processes.
  • Installed forum options to WIX – looks achievable to do what I wish.
  • Heard some great new music.
  • Posted Rosie’s pictures to Jochen, Lachlan and Kyaw Kyaw.
  • Watched next Thai video and Drops x2.
  • Had long lazy buffet lunch with Amy.
  • Reacted calmly when discussing having to go to Chiang Mai on Sunday.

It was good to get up early and take advantage of the day. I’m glad I didn’t drink too much last night and though I did;t hang out much with everyone celebrating NYE I felt contented reading comics by myself.
I have to go to Chiang Mai next Friday to apply for my new passport and thinking about the best plan for going and coming back.
This afternoon we heard that Ting’s mum had died today and we discussed about going to Chiang Mai for the funeral. We will have to go and come back on Sunday. it’s not optimal but as Ting took the trouble to come to my mum’s funeral, it is the best thing for me to do. Ting has to fly all the way from the UK.

You may not wake up tomorrow.

What did I do well today?
What could I have done better?
– where was my self-control tested?
What will I do tomorrow?
How can I improve?
– what have I learned that will help me tomorrow?
Savour a memory from the past.

You may not sleep again.

Do you know you’re not dead? – 31st December 2019

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Amy was in a bad mood yesterday due to PMT. She confided with me today that she is feeling lonely due to her old friends here in Chiang Rai not quite having the same mindset as her so finds them quite difficult to talk to and to understand. Whilst I am fine here in relative isolation, she is finding it quite difficult. She has to rely on me to go and do things together and sometimes I resent not having enough time to myself as I am working all the time.

We both understand each other’s situation well enough but it is also something that Amy needs to address for herself.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the year that I have had. I have grown and adapted to adversity. Hopefully, I can understand my reactions to adversity in the future and deal with it in a less emotional manner.

Did it list

  • Read 3 chapters.
  • Contacted KL venue for WDS tour.
  • Talk with Kimi and Rosie.
  • Recorded another TCRAH.

Very out of routine due to parties every other night.

We got that attitude! – 30th December 2019

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for everything that tests my patience. I have learnt to remain calm through most things and I think I’m getting better at it all the time.

To-do list

  • Prepare Lazada order.
  • Record TCRAH.
  • Wix forum.
  • Study Thai.
  • WDS tour dates.
  • Dye hair.

Did it list

  • Ordered on Lazada.
  • Read 3 chapters.
  • Recorded TCRAH.
  • Studied Thai – video and Drops.
  • Enjoyed eating and drinking in village.

New day rising – 29th December 2019

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

This morning I am filled with a quiet happiness. Determined to get up early on a Sunday and to do something, whether it be a walk, a meditation, writing or studying, I rolled out of bed, fed the cats and opted to walk to my favourite local coffee shop, Utopia.

As I prepared food for the cats a light rain appeared. Unusual for this time of year but accurately predicted by our weather apps for once. Undeterred, I set out. The temperature still cool but the minimal exertion keeping me warmed I chose to listen to a reading of a Chekhov short story. The relative quiet around made for clear listening to the beautiful words of the story as I walked through small fields of wet grass and aspiring mud. Was I still in Thailand or transported to that Armenian village?

Before I knew it I had arrived at the shop but it was too early and as I waited on the porch I listened to a primer on Nietzsche and then an imagined conversation between Fred and Jane Austen where, despite their differences they arrived at a philosophical agreement and appreciation for each others works. Inspired by this I contemplated how everyone is different but we must be able to find some common ground.

The Nietzsche primer mentioned his text’s difficult reading but also highlighted his humour. Something which I had not been previously aware of. Friends have told me they preferred to read works about Nietzsche rather than his own. I will try this approach sometime. Sometime when I can add those books to my ever growing library.

The shop opened and I lazily drank through 3 coffees which produced a wonderful buzzing awareness of all the subtleties around me. Soon an acquaintance of Amy’s arrived, a Thai lady who runs her own English school. As this was our first meeting we talked about our shared experiences with teaching here in Chiang Rai.

Coffee and conversation

I lead the conversation for a while before realising it was time to let her speak and so I asked questions about her school and so the conversation flowed. I set myself a small challenge to try to talk to a stranger every day and thought to myself that I can cross this off today’s challenge list and it’s not even 10am.

Later though, as I was walking home, the rain a little heavier than before, I realised that I had failed in another of my personal challenges. Inspired by a Tim Ferriss article I read this week I have challenged myself to not complain about anything for 21 days. To remind myself about this challenge I have started wearing a bracelet, the purpose being that every time you complain you have to swap the bracelet to the other wrist. I have made this doubly difficult for myself by choosing a bracelet that is awkward to attach to oneself with one hand.

As the bracelet effect kicked in I thought back to the conversation in the coffee shop and asked myself if I had been complaining. Despite my mind’s protestations and justifications I sadly realised I had, indeed, been complaining. Perhaps only mildly but there is a fine line between stating the facts as they are and infusing a negative into the narrative.

In fact, the hardest part of this challenge is actually recognising that you are complaining. So long as it pushes to the forefront of my mind more and more it will help me become more aware of my own words and to try to understand how someone might feel whilst listening to me.

The walk home was still wonderous as I contemplated all this and listened to the description of beautiful Masha and the joy and sadness the narrator felt. This description was thought-provoking as I also was feeling so happy with life, despite the fact I was getting cold and wet in the rain. The walk crowned by the view of the feathery grass that spikes alongside our driveway, suddenly weighed down by the heavy drops of water, pointing towards the path home.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be inquisitive. To want to constantly learn and understand myself. This morning I listened to a primer on Nietzsche which was interesting as an introduction because I don’t know enough about his philosophy. I then listened to an imagined conversation between Nietzsche and Jane Austen where there two apparent so different writers end up agreeing on many things. I walked to Utopia this morning too. A nice gentle walk and gave me chance to listen to these articles.

To-do list

  • Prepare Lazada order.
  • Upload TCRAH and record new ep.
  • Check more Wix options.
  • Read 3 chapters.
  • Next Thai video.
  • Install WP App and streamline Chrome windows.
  • WDS t-shirt options.
  • Dye hair.

Did it list

  • Uploaded TCRAH.
  • Read 3 chapters.
  • Walked to Utopia.
  • Talked with a stranger at Utopia.
  • Wrote blog post.
  • Stayed calm despite Amy being in a bad mood.

Missed a couple of days due to having George and Bee over on Friday and being lazy and hungover on Saturday. Did not do anything on my Saturday list so moved all to Sunday and still only managed half of them, though the day is not over yet.

On Friday I kept my challenge of playing with the kids so that I would get some exercise. However, after a while, they asked me to calm down. I was a bit rough and too competitive. I felt slightly aggrieved at that moment but did calm down some. When I thought about it afterwards I realised they were right. It probably wasn’t as much fun for them as it should have been. I need to learn about the consequences of my actions – even the small ones.