Tag: gratitude

Failure Porn World – 6th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Everyone is looking for a laugh
To put a smile on their face
In an upside-down world
Digging down is the safest place

Pick ourselves up by putting down
Cut down all the tall poppies
Misfortune brings us all together
So that’s what everyone copies

Fortune cookie philosophers rant
How to make a million dollars
But the need for the dopamine rush
Will never make us into scholars

A promise one day it could be you
That is the star of the show
Turnover is high in failure porn world
Clicked over to the next video

29th Nov 2024 – Shared with Ragtag Daily Prompt – failure

Today I’m feeling:

Hot. It’s hot. This is Thailand. What did I expect? The aircon stopped working in the bedroom last night and the temperature never dropped below 28 degrees. I slept fine though. Tonight I may have to sleep with the window open and have the fan next to it, weakly sucking in cooler air from the night. In the meantime, I have to contact someone to come and fix the machine.

Today I’m grateful for:

My portable hard drives that allow me to save and move files around from one place to another. When my crusty cranky old MBP stopped recognizing one of the drives I was able to swap things around and get things running again with a freshly formatted drive. I think I may be at the point now where I just don’t need any more drives. I’ve slowed down my music consumption a lot recently and I have too many movies to ever have enough time to watch.

The best thing about today was:

A general feeling of well-being. Perhaps the only thing that really stood out was riding back from Utopia and going on a convoluted path home. The sun’s heat was like a blanket around my skin with the breeze being just enough to stop feeling crispy. I slowed down a little to savour the feeling. The mountains looked like a photograph from the 70s, all washed out due to the hazy air, enough blue sky shimmering through from above to highlight the depth.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

It was time to start a new book whilst sipping coffee at Utopia so I had a quick scan of the shelves at home. I use my Utopia time to read music biographies or music-related books. Yesterday I  finished Dave Simpson’s The Fallen. Now it was a choice between SNFU or Rollins Broken Summers. I opted for the latter. As I start reading I get back into Henry’s groove quickly and easily. He’s a maniac. I respect his attitude a lot. I see parallels with myself in his words though I’m totally softcore in comparison.
As I keep reading I realise I’ve read this before and not too long ago. I wonder whether to ditch it and swap it tomorrow. However, the strength of the writing keeps me intent to follow along as he prepares for another tour of duty. I feel compelled to bring his attitude back into my thinking as I prepare for my own lovely little war in the classroom over the next couple of weeks. I need to get back to some discipline. Cut the flabby excesses of lethargy.

Something I learned today?

I’ve seen a few videos of people telling jokes to make each other laugh and if they do they lose a point or take a drink or similar punishment. Sometimes they are fun to watch. One popped up and the thumbnail looked like a guy I vaguely knew back in Sydney so I watched it and sure enough, Rodney Todd in all his afro-hairy glory!

What is something I can’t live without?

There’s nothing beyond air, food and water. Without other things, life would certainly be uncomfortable. It’s like people who lose everything in house fires, they find that their lives still go on. I’m thinking about Kim Chi today and how sad I still feel about losing her. But here I am.

Where are you, Kim Chi? Why are you not here? I miss you so much.

Wanted Dead – 5th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Another day of life spent in the shadow of the sun
This is a wasteland of the free that I’m running from
How to remain calm when surrounded by the storm?
The nail gets hammered down in order to conform

Today I’m feeling:

It feels stupidly hot today. I’ve been in aircon on full for much of the afternoon.  I finally felt good enough to drop a half of acid again, which probably isn’t helping with the heat for sure but it’s been a nice gentle happy dose that has seen the time cruise by nicely.

Today I’m grateful for:

The two new cups that Art has at Utopia that he uses for my cappuccinos now. They are Japanese and feel very nice in the hand and I can also feel that the coffee comes out smoother than in my old cup, which I liked too, it’s just different.

The best thing about today was:

With the little dose, I ended up playing guitar for a couple hours, until the B string broke which isn’t so bad as it will finally force me to change the strings.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Time does funny things when you’re dosed and I ended up not eating a proper meal today which is good news for tomorrow but I got by today on snacks, candy and lots of water and coconut juice. Lots!

Something I learned today?

I learned that Lenovo is a Chinese brand and heard about some of its history. I knew they were connected with IBM in some way but got a better idea of how they kind of merged parts of their business. 

What is my idea of the perfect vacation?

I generally feel like I’ve been on vacation for the last five years even though I’ve been working most of the time. Would a perfect vacation involve doing some other kind of work? Perhaps. The tour I had lined up for 2020 with World’s Dirtiest Sport would have been the perfect kind of vacation as I’d arranged it to go places I haven’t been before. It would’ve been work stress and fun all at the same time. It’s hard for me to even think about vacations now. I’m happy to go anywhere and enjoy the travel but don’t really have any set ideas in my head. I’d still like to look around the rest of Asia. Europe and the US aren’t really up on my list of interests these days. There’s Africa, the middle east and Latin America out there but they seem far away.

I took this picture because a couple of nights ago whilst watching TV I heard a little whine from outside and Tangmo had come to say hello, sitting patiently outside like a ghost dog. I’m not sure if he stayed around all night as he was also in the garage in the morning. 

The Brave Soldier – 4th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The Brave Soldier

No amount of wishing
No amount of tears
Will bring you back to me
I have no choice
I must face my fears
Moving on soldierly

The Soldier Brave

I always told myself that
It was you and me against the world
But in reality, it was only me
We stood together
Until we fell apart
Now I must soldier on, bravely

Today I’m feeling:

Feeling ok. I’m not convinced enough to say feeling good yet. As Amy feels recently, it’s difficult to have fun, to laugh, to smile, and to feel good.

Today I’m grateful for:

Not falling through the roof when I got up there again to try and reset the damage from last night’s storm. The wind was so strong again that one of our trees now bends in a different direction. Just as I’m writing this tonight’s storm has arrived though just rain at the moment, no wind to test the roof. We need to pay someone to come up with a better solution in the future.

The best thing about today was:

I’ve been enjoying the Bad Friends podcast on YouTube and getting into its rhythm of humour. It feels like a little celebrity gossip show and the hosts get annoyed at superficial first-world problems. It’s making me smile enough to remind me what it is like to make light of your own problems no matter how big or small.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I fell into a deep afternoon nap for more than an hour and I’m worried that I will be up late again tonight, force myself up early again tomorrow and then be tired again in the afternoon and the cycle continues. Still, this is tomorrow’s problem.

Something I learned today?

I watched some videos of folks reviewing the latest AFL video game. It looks ok though I don’t think it would be something I would play these days. Even with all this free time for the last few weeks I only played for a couple of days and that’s it. The thought of playing is interesting but the reality, not so much.

What does happiness mean to me?

Just now I was playing guitar as best I could ( which is terrible, but I don’t care) to Volcano Suns ‘Room With A View’ and singing along as loud as I could. I felt pretty happy in that moment.

I took this picture because I was greeted by these guys as I opened the gate this morning.

Phobia – 3rd May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

What are you really afraid of
When you’re afraid of what you’re told?
Are you really afraid of
These things you can’t even touch or hold?
Or are you afraid that your dreams
Will crumble at the lies that you’ve been sold?
Keep those dreams beside your bed
Unable to sleep on your mattress of gold

Today I’m feeling:

In the morning I was tired from getting up too early so instead of an afternoon nap I went for a morning one instead!

Today I’m grateful for:

All the artists and musicians I’m currently working with on upcoming releases for tenzenmen. Things have slowed down but I’m still happy to be helping musicians make music that I really enjoy.

The best thing about today was:

Wanting to play guitar. I just haven’t had the feeling for this past month though had been forcing myself every couple of days even if just for five minutes. I did about ten minutes in the afternoon but then felt compelled to pick it up again in the evening.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Eating lunch at the restaurant I was happy with green curry salmon and a side dish of cabbage in fish sauce. I was enjoying the spicy sauce and went for a spoonful of the cabbage which I happily chewed up like the cows outside my kitchen window, grinding the vegetable into a swallowable pulp. However, the chilli suddenly induced a sneeze which I managed to catch with my hand without too much damage. But then I felt another coming and I stupidly tried to hold my nose which didn’t have the desired effect of killing the sneeze. Instead, the sneeze manifested and forced air out of my mouth along with its contents! Chewed cabbage pulp hit my hand and sprayed in a wide arc over the table and onto the floor. I quickly tried to clean myself and the table, thankful I don’t think anyone saw what happened. I picked up pieces off the floor after finishing eating trying not to show any guilt. I think I got away with it though I’m giggling and embarrassed at the same time.

Something I learned today?

Today I learned that it is Cap that pees on the folding mattress as I caught him in the act. All this time blaming Tigger; though I had my suspicions. Amy was concerned when I told her as this behaviour is often a cat’s way of saying there’s something wrong. After coffee, I can back and set up the litter tray and stick him in it and he started peeing immediately. I put a tissue under him and could see that there was no blood which is usually an indicator of some problem. Then he went and sat at the sliding door and looked out at Tangmo who had come into the garden when I came home. It was then I realised that yesterday Tangmo had chased Cap into the house and so maybe Cap was reluctant to go outside to pee and decided that the mattress was the best replacement. Recently I’ve been leaving the gate open overnight so it’s possible Tangmo has been here during the night and maybe chased our cats inside from time to time and made them afraid. I noticed Tigger being indoors more recently and I thought it was just due to the heat but perhaps it’s all connected with Mo. I wish he was a calm dog and could be friends with our cats, but we don’t have much choice as he’s not ours. I’ll be keeping the gate shut more now though.

What is happening around me right now?

I’m sitting in Tid Doi Tid Din having just finished some lunch. I needed a full food hit to keep me going today so ate green curry salmon with rice and cabbage in fish sauce. Not sure if it’s enough to buck my energy up but at least it’s a fresh range of vitamins and minerals.

I’m sitting at a corner table next to the window and near the door. Outside, cars and trucks speed past on the highway only about ten feet from where I’m sitting behind big plate glass and in the cold air conditioning. Outside looks hot and I can’t decide if I want to go to Daytripper to see if they have banoffee or not. I’m enjoying the aircon as I see students on motorbikes (3-up) at the U-turn burning their bare exposed legs in the sun or on the bike’s exhaust.

There are not many customers here but enough to keep the staff on the move. This restaurant is kind of attached to the hotel behind it from which it draws most of its custom. I haven’t been here for about three years though do very occasionally order delivery from here. It’s expensive for the students and across the highway I can see a plethora of white shirts and black pants and skirts in the local food shop with 30 baht plates.

The environment inside is appealing, a mix of modern with traditional wood finishes and floors. The wall opposite me is lined with rows and rows of bottles of wine and beer and by the door the clunky PC and keyboard that controls everything.

I took this picture because I’m treating myself to lunch today.

Obsolete – 2nd May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Made to be broken, a businessman’s dream
Failure point unspoken, a money-making scheme
Shiny new things, a feeling that is funny
A bottom line sings when rolling in the money

Today I’m feeling:

Reasonable. I’d like to go for a bike ride but it’s so hot with high UV plus the air is still a little hazy so views from up the mountains aren’t so clear. I feel like these April holidays are kinda useless.

Today I’m grateful for:

The step ladder that I use around the garden. Today, to cut back the vine and fold back part of the roof that got messed up in the last storm. It seemed urgent as the skies darkened and distant rumbling approached but then just as quick the clouds disappeared and bright a scorching sun came out. Looks like I’ll have to water again this afternoon.

The best thing about today was:

The neighbour’s kids all came into the driveway to ride their bikes whilst I was watering the garden and they all laughed and played when I sprayed them with water. They’re all between 6 and 9 years old. Full of life and energy, full of hope.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Came back for morning coffee to find that Cap had thrown up on my old 1984 diary and songbook. Perhaps not too much damage, though a lot of the diary was written in tiny felt tip which is already hard enough to read so there may be even more illegible writing there to strain my eyes. What can I do? It’s one of the reasons I’m working to get all this digitised as quickly as I can.

Something I learned today?

The 2nd biggest bank in the US has gone under. I don’t really know what this means, like what happens next or why it happened in the first place but it seems to be occurring often right now.

What has keeping a journal taught me?

As a daily habit, it has helped me get thoughts out of my head, whether good or bad and into paper. When I review these over time they give me an idea of my long-term growth.

I took this picture because I think it reflects my disorganised appreciation and annoyance with living in Thailand. It’s messy and uncoordinated yet looks appealing and attractive. This little stream runs at the back of the shops and market on the university side of the highway. The other side to home.

Where To Hide? – 29th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Where can I hide from you?
Your red and blue words cut
Angel face, honest and true
Harder to crack than a nut
Where can I hide from me?
My blue and red words cut
My cave mind unfair, unfree
Always stuck in my own nut
All that glitters is not gold
Our stories best left untold

Today I’m feeling:

Very relaxed feeling today so far. I feel like I got an unexpected holiday gifted to me.

Today I’m grateful for:

My curtains all around the house. Since Amy went back to Australia I keep most of the curtains drawn all day to try and stop the sunlight and heat getting in. I think in our next house we have to think more carefully about design to allow better airflow and insulation to keep heat out. If there ever is a next house.

The best thing about today was:

Enjoying all the things I was reading from Substack articles about events in China, Dave Simspson’s book The Fallen about ex-members of the Fall and Michael Parkinson’s biography about his interviews with Muhammad Ali.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I called Hayden today and he was feeling down about things. He complained about his friends and how he feels they are treating him and also that he was feeling lonely. I was a little stuck with what to say and ended up saying that me and mum were far from good examples on how to make and maintain friendships and I felt a bit apologetic towards him. I tried to generalize things a bit and tell him that we often don’t have any idea what other people are dealing with so we have to forgive them and at the same time, we also have to be kinder to ourselves. I’m still trying to understand these things so he shouldn’t beat himself up about not knowing the best thing to do.  Although I couldn’t really help him at least he knows he has someone he can talk to.

Something I learned today?

I think I accidentally saw the result from today’s Swans match whilst looking around Youtube. I didn’t see a score but the picture and title were definitely pointing to a defeat. Oh well. I will still watch the match replay tomorrow morning and try and enjoy it!

What is my idea of fun?

These days I feel like I have no idea about fun. I’m happy and content but fun doesn’t play much of a part in my life right now. Perhaps the closest I get to the feeling is going on crazy bike rides or being with my students. I would love to be involved in concert organisation again but there’s just no chance of doing it locally and I’m slowly losing touch with what’s going on around southeast Asia too.

I took this picture as a follow-up to yesterday’s. It seems these flowers don’t burst open into bloom, they just wilt like this. They look like they are tired and gave up.

Morning Glory – 28th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Remember, everything is going to be alright
Or else you’ll fill yourself up with spite
You may either inspire or sometimes bore me
Either way, I’m just telling myself a story

Today I’m feeling:

Feeling ok today. Not particularly enthusiastic about anything but not down on anything either.

Today I’m grateful for:

The last serving of Amy’s fake duck with rice from the freezer. I’ve managed to spread out all the meals she left for me for three months. I really love that she did that for me.

The best thing about today was:

Finding out I have another week off before heading back to school. Woohoo! I was sure we would start again on Monday but held out hope that it would be the following Monday and so it is!

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I thought I would be taking Runa to the airport this evening for her flight back to Bangkok and around midday she called and asked if it was ok to come over at around 4 pm when her cousin would drop her off. Sure no problem. I was tired from getting up early again and couldn’t resist an afternoon snooze and when I woke up it was already 5 pm. I tidied up a little (a very little!) and went to do some watering by which time it was 6 pm and Runa called again saying she was still in the city and not to worry about taking her to the airport. Well, ok! This is Thailand and I’m used to this flexibility now and not bothered if it doesn’t really affect me too much. I’ve probably also learned not to put myself in situations where I may be reliant on people who are unreliable therefore avoiding any drama.

Something I learned today?

Amy met Nong May and her boyfriend Jay for dinner as they haven’t met up for 6 months or so. Amy told me they are suing one of their Dodee franchisees because they opened a second store out of contract and tried to hide it by altering the name and the colours of the logo.  I can’t imagine getting into something like that. It seems crazy to me. May’s family has gone through more drama than the BBC.

What is something I’d like to do for someone else?

I’m finding this tough to think of something specific and something applicable to right now. Usually, if I feel like doing something for someone it is not particularly planned. Of course, I do like to do things for Amy, my cats and my students but those are standard. It’s like when I track if I have complimented anyone today I always exclude Amy, my students and my baristas – it must be someone I don’t always compliment anyway.

I took this picture because suddenly this cactus sprouted these flowers. I’m not sure if they bloom and open up but I’ll find out in the next day or two.

Idle Idol – 27th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

He’s a girl and she’s a boy
Both of them a producers toy
Under makeup and bright lights
The manufactured product fights
A name that is soon forgotten
A past that’s found to be rotten
Fans are either for or against
It’s impossible to sit on the fence
If there are brains behind the mask
Showing it may be too much to ask
Flooded with undeserved affection
Failing to pass closer inspection
So idols get what they deserve
A fame that is unable to preserve
And so idle under adulation
Until another steps up to the station

Today I’m feeling:

Ok. My neck is super sore from not moving it much for a month. I did a mini warm-up this morning and will try to make it a little longer each day to prepare for my usual wake-up routine. I know this makes me feel better but just can’t motivate myself during the holiday.

Today I’m grateful for:

Finding salad today at the walking market. It was pretty good though a little different to the one I usually get. For some reason, I’ve been wanting for salad recently. I think my normal seller may have given up because it’s been so long since I’ve seen them. Business is tough out there and everyone is trying to make their baht.

The best thing about today was:

Cap has spent most of the day with me and I’ve been grooming him and cutting his dreadlocks. His hair feels gorgeous again as does Tig’s, I think because of the special gel that we used to feed Kim to help counter her leukaemia.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I don’t feel there was anything today. If there was something I must have handled it without thinking and accepted it as reality.

Something I learned today?

I came across a video to help getting students to quiet down and concentrate in the classroom. I’m thinking I will try the Simon Says technique where I can bring the whole class back to focus by saying ‘Simon says stand up’ and the kids paying attention will do it and the kids that aren’t will want to know what’s going on. I also need to drill them with this in the first week so they get used to it. I hope I have better control this year. Over myself and the students.

What is my favourite photo of the past month?

With the bad air and the tragic start to this month, my mind focused a lot on pictures of Kim and they still make me sad to look at. But looking through the pictures I can see that there are still some nice ones there. Ones I will appreciate in time.

I took this picture because I took a few detours on the way home from Utopia and fresh growth smells were returning to perfume the air. But this picture shows the devastation across the mountains from fire. I don’t think these would have been burned deliberately but more likely from other small fires getting out of control.

No Readers – 26th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Just a recording, a memory
A gentle nudge to remind
One day in the future
I’ll look back and find
No readers were here to see
What these words meant to me

In another time and place
Some comments will be made
Either an idiot in the making
Or a compliment to be paid
Either way, it’s all good
And no readers misunderstood

Today I’m feeling:

A little tired. I’ve been waking up before my alarm, though unable to stir myself out of bed, as my mind is slowly getting around the fact that it’s back to work again next week. I’m starting to feel the stress and tension, my mind anticipating obstacles in the class. Self-preparation for self-preservation.

Today I’m grateful for:

Being able to park illegally at the airport as no one cares that much about it. It’s surprisingly busy here even though it’s 8 pm.

The best thing about today was:

I struggled through getting my head around a lesson plan and how, when and why I would use it. At least I could do this whilst sipping good coffee and watching people coming and going. I pushed on until finished and was quite happy with the result in the end.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

It seemed Runa was going to stay around the city rather than near home so figured I wouldn’t need to pick her up at the airport but then she called just before getting on her flight and asked if I was ok to pick her up and that’s ok with me.  Runa is never on time for anything and it’s already 29 minutes after her flight has landed. I can imagine her still sitting on the plane trying to get organised to get off. She cracks me up but I don’t need the drama that comes along with her chaotic life.

Something I learned today?

Again I don’t feel like I really learned much useful. I watched Netflix and comedy on YouTube. Trying to keep my mood up rather than go deep into anything.

I took this picture because all our different frangipani trees are blooming. Big bunches of flowers get blown off in storms but each year there’s more and more. I love to see old frangipani trees. Ours are still young but I hope to see them old one day.

Sitting Still – 25th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

There’s not a sound about
No electricity on the hill
I’m sitting still

A brain that has quieted
With no thoughts to fill
I’m sitting still

Contemplating how much longer
With only time to kill
I’m sitting still

As days speed up, I slow down
Swallowing a bitter pill
I’m sitting still

Time is the only master
And I have to pay the bill
I’m sitting still

Today I’m feeling:

Tired from staying up late and then getting up early as I slowly train myself for 6:15 am starts again next week.

Today I’m grateful for:

The lady at the market stall who gave me an extra mango today. It’s mango season and they are juicy and delicious.

The best thing about today was:

Finishing the Brix Smith and Jack Dee biographies. Both were good easy reads as I visualised their lives unfolding. New books to start! 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’d been checking out my flights to Australia on the Airasia website and was ready to book on Sunday night. I sent the itinerary to Amy to double check but she was drunk and replied ‘I’ve got no brain.’ No problem, I can just figure it out on Monday. And that’s what I went to do. The problem this time was that somehow I didn’t have enough credits left to cover the costs. I assumed it was something to do with cached data from going through the process the day before but investigating further I found that my credit had expired in the 12 hours since first looking! Damn it! Oh well, what can I do?

Something I learned today?

Our Sydney friend Runa will visit a relative in Chiang Rai for a couple of days. It seems typical of her that we only find out a day before she arrives. Never organised or good at planning or decision-making. I’m ok to pick her up from the airport if she needs.

What went well today?

Everything went as expected. There was nothing in particular that needed to go well and there was nothing that usually happens that didn’t go well. Not all days are like this.

Art took this picture because this has been my morning home at Utopia for the whole month of April.