When Frank died his soul flew up high And ended up in a powerful war machine He screamed ‘ANNIHILATE’ but didn’t know why But then it turned out it was all just a dream
Inspired by Armoured Gideon, 2000AD
It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it; but the young know they are wretched for they are all full of the truthless ideal which has been instilled into them, and each time they come into contact with the real, they are bruised and wounded.
W. Somerset Maugham
Today I’m feeling: Happy and satisfied. Today I’m grateful for: The front wheel of my motorbike. It took some hard knocks on some tough roads today and I was worried I would have to limp down the mountain with a flat tyre but it held up and got me home. The best thing about today was: Riding around new mountains and discovering some beautiful villages and amazing scenery. It was blissful.
What daily habit do you do that improves your quality of life? For 24 years now I’ve been taking sertraline and that has made an incredible difference to my life, keeping me stable and less prone to depression. I still have bad moments but in general, I am much happier than a was in my first 30 years. Brushing my teeth. Sad to say that I didn’t look after my teeth well for my first 20 years or so. They are just hanging on since starting to care about them more. Making my bed. A small habit I only acted on since moving to Thailand. I actually don’t care if my bed is made or not but I do it so as to include it in a series of morning habits and to feel, no matter how minor, to have achieved something already, right at the beginning of the day. Exercise….if I do it every day it will definitely improve my quality of life. Now I just have to do it every day!
I took this picture because Bruno and I met these kids after a long muddy ride and they were so happy and inquisitive to see two muddy white men in their mountain school at the end of the road.
Without urgency or panic, make the necessary time and make much of that time.
Mason Currey
My midweek chill was rudely interrupted last night when I suddenly lost my energy and good feeling. I was so exhausted and feeling dizzy and sick that I went to bed at around 7pm and was soon asleep. In the night, I felt hot and I’m also feeling hot now, though the temperature check just said 36.5 for me and the crappy ATK I bought shows a very faint line that I’m OK. Difficult to say if it worked or not.
Anyway, I woke up not feeling too bad, still a slight headache and not 100% but ok. When I read my messages, I had to cover Dylan’s class this morning too – which is OK but meant I was teaching all morning. I’m going to dash off now to Fascino to buy a different ATK and will check again tonight. I don’t really want Covid right now as it will fuck up all Amy’s plans. Faaaar out.
I’m following this 12-step course of creating new habits, this is from James Clear, whose book, Atomic Habits, I’ve read and used to some degree. I’ve developed many good habits already and considering what I should do to create a new one. I’ve been good at exercising, studying Thai, learning guitar and those things do take up a bunch of my time already.
One thing that I do want to get back to, is learning Ableton and using the keyboard I bought and to create music. Before I create music, I really need to understand how these things work and hold together. An early step in forming this habit is to make a two-minute rule, a very simplified version of just starting the habit, not necessarily completing anything. So now I want to figure out what I can do to get down to a simple two-minute rule so that I can start forming this. I think I need to have the keyboard set up and Ableton open and ready to go, maybe then, just study one part of the manual for two minutes and then begin to understand it well.
I need to fit this in with my routine in the evening, which is usually to write a blog entry or two, use Yousician for at least ten minutes, play guitar to some songs with Capo, which can take up to 45 minutes, after that, I usually go inside and watch some TV so that I can wind down.
I’m still not quite happy with my set-up in my room and don’t feel quite comfortable in there. Clear some space? Rearrange again? It’s quite a good working environment for all the things I’m doing but some days I just don’t want to go in there! I’ll figure it out I guess.
18th Dec 2025 – I still haven’t figured this out. I still have many days where I just don’t feel like going to my room. Maybe I have set it up in my mind that it is like my old bedroom, a safe space away from the world, and somehow it doesn’t quite live up to that expectation. The Ableton keyboard has been sitting on the desk since this entry and has collected dust for most of the time. Perhaps reading this today will give me some incentive to get back to it.
I’ve had a long shower And I’m snuggled up with a book I can hear strange noises outside But can’t be bothered to look
I’m about to fall asleep The room is dark and black That’s when the screaming starts And when I know she’s back
She turns on all the lights And dances around the room Jumping up onto the bed I hope she finishes soon
She makes me laugh and makes me mad I’ll always love her to bits But right now I need to sleep And she’s really giving me the shits
Amy has turned much of our garden into a cactus oasis, not helped much by the long rainy season this year though. It was today I noticed that this delicate cactus was being held up by this tall ants nest, originally a stick in the ground. Ants will rule the world. They are also back in our kitchen building a small nest by the back door again.
Our neighbour’s dog, Tangmo, always enjoys coming to play but tends to go a bit nuts when he sees Kim Chi, who is usually behind a screen door inside her room. Today though, we’d just let her out when he decided to come visit and after a bit of chasing around the situation above occurred.
We worry that Tangmo could easily bite Kim Chi badly as he’s so much bigger and his barking and jumping around make her scared but usually, Kim will be the one chasing him away. Don’t fuck with our cats. Tangmo just seems to want to play but isn’t quite sure of the correct cat etiquette.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for LungChom and their delicious ice cream that I ate two bowls of last night in a state of overindulgence.
Feel good today after forcing myself to do my minimal daily exercise on the weekend (this morning is rest day so I did yoga instead). I also ate two bowls of ice cream last night – which were freaking delicious but perhaps a bit too much!
Oh stayed over last night, though I was in bed by then and didn’t see her this morning either. Amy is giving her a bread-baking tutorial. Amy also did a pre-order for her cinnamon buns and got inundated with requests, so much that she will be baking for three days instead of the planned one.
I listened to day 3 of the gratitude course this morning, which gave me two very important reminders. ‘I dismiss any thoughts that entertain feelings of comparison’ and ‘I embrace my journey because it is uniquely designed just for me.’ I think these constant habits of mine are slowly having the desired positive effect, though I am not particularly challenged these days, or at least I feel as if I’m not, which could also be because of these habits.
The semester is winding down now and I’m feeling pretty relaxed. I hope that students return next semester, as I don’t have anything else planned if we continue online and I also want to start my experiment with 2/9.
Last week I was getting a bit frustrated with my guitar playing but yesterday I got back into the flow, teaching me that it’s ok to relax, take a break if necessary and try again at another time. But it is not acceptable to give up.
I’m also working up the free time and courage to get back into learning the keyboard and music software and thinking about making songs again. I know I can do it but I’m also aware of what a time sink it will be.
Amy is still constantly frustrated with the situation in Thailand and I have to try and deflect or point out our positives so that it doesn’t get her too depressed. I am attempting to deal with the situation here stoically and I am happy to tell Amy that I am ok living anywhere in the world with her.
When she’s drunk, she will chide me with ‘you love it here, you can stay’ and whilst I wouldn’t say I love it here anymore than anywhere else, I am happily aware of how easy my life is compared to the UK and Australia. Even so, I will give it up if it makes Amy happier with herself and her situation.
I am so happy and grateful for the long month off work. I have been enjoyably lazy and caught up on some TV watching. It has made me realise that I enjoy having a routine of going to work and that I build other habits around it. It has also made me curious about us being able to start our own business here – I think it would be enjoyable to do a restaurant/diner on our land.
I am so happy and grateful that I have more energy these days. It helps me make better decisions.
To-do list
Awards – why is this hard? ½
Compliment two people ✅
Remember that thing about listening ½
Clear some emails ½
IELTS and TOEFL check ½
An enjoyable day as I only had to teach for 2 hours and it was with 1/9 who are the best students. I felt more grounded today and I was looking for opportunities to do the things on my list but often they came to my mind at times when it was too late to action. I want to keep on trying to form the habits of the first 3 things on my list – I feel like they are important.
Kru Fluke helped me with some printing today so I gave her an award of my favourite teacher of the day but after that, I forgot about any other awards. As I was writing this I also remembered that I told Dylan he was a good guy for helping me with something too – so that’s my two compliments.
I helped Dylan a little in his class too so I’m going to cross off my Random Act of Kindness achievement for today. I’m actually finding it difficult to stay out of other classes because I just enjoy being around the students and helping out.
With nothing much else to do for preparation for work I could spend all day reading or listening to podcasts or watching vides but helping out is making me feel happy. I’m really enjoying working here and I have to thanks George a lot for that.
Wake up at night and clench my jaw when I stretch – stupid. Brain jukebox – Volcano Suns – Medicine Cabinet. What a brain! Five days habit morning – losing a little weight – now steadily under 80 kg – happy with that.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my long-running laptop. It keeps on chugging along.
To-do list
Awards game all the time – play it!
Turn the awards game into compliments
Smile, talk less, listen more
I did play the awards game and turned a couple into compliments (on Friday) but forgot after that – why don’t I remember? Will try again.
Went out with Amy on Friday night and whilst she and everyone else were drinking, I decided not to – knowing what I would feel like on Saturday. Everyone was having a good time but I was super tired and went to the car to rest and listen to music. Despite being uncomfortable in the car I was in a positive mood and turned it into ‘getting to listen to my music’ instead of ‘having to wait for Amy’.
Needless to say, I felt good on Saturday morning and Amy struggled through the day! I even managed to get up early on Sunday and do my 5-minute exercise routine which made me feel great for the rest of the day until about 6 pm when I got tired and went to bed (to read).
I also didn’t eat much this weekend and got back under 79kg again. I want to keep going and burn off the rest of this belly fat.
I spoke to Hayden over the weekend and he sounded much better than before. His speech was clear and his ideas had more clarity too. He said he hasn’t smoked pot for 30 days now. That’s great to hear. I’m so happy to hear him sound more positive at last.
Classes have been going well. The kids are working me out and they make me laugh. I’m not taking things too seriously now – just try to enjoy our time with each other in the class.
Looking forward to a good day today. Coriky on jukebox – don’t know song title.
Fun dream last night. Met Cake – she is still cool. Wonder when I’ll see her again. Muslim food – Yum.
Amy happy – friends moving near here – excellent news. Update Coach app – new habits – feel myself improving. Watched Sydney Swans game last night but that wasn’t fun.
Dodgy knee maybe okay now?! Realise last night that it’s not hurting anymore. Fix my toe next?! Hope. Bubble of hope. Rubber bubble of hope! Someone fix my neck forever! But don’t kill me I don’t want to die yet. Gonna happen any time. History – doomed to repeat it. Humans innit?
De Lanna by the river – enjoy your thoughts flowing by.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I spent time to put up our decorative lights last night. It was fun and they look cool.
To-do list
Compliment – silent wishes – savour ½
Finish audio for ‘good friends’ clip ✅
Get next blog post ready ½
Record new TCRAH in evening? ½
Scan photos
Now it’s Monday evening. The weekend was a little bit of everything and I was either lazy or too busy to write here but I’ve been feeling fine, getting things done and keeping my head straight. I didn’t get enough sleep last night though – it was Amy’s 41st birthday – dinner with her, her grandmum, mum and dad – and drama.
Anyway, I need to sleep so will come back and write more tomorrow, along with an updated checklist.
Our final day of freedom before students return to school tomorrow. The last two days have been lazy, hot and humid with nice bright sunshine. Though as I’m writing another storm has blown in from the mountains. It’s lovely to cool down but damn, that rain is cold and the air is still warm.
Feeling good again today doing bits and pieces for my blog, a little bit of video editing and drinking coffee. I cannot complain about my life situation currently. I’m happy to be healthy and able to enjoy it. I’ll try to maintain it.
There’s a vast difference between the habit of getting by, and the habit of getting better.
This switch from the old way was easy of course, because in the meantime I’d become an adult—I’m running a far more capable system, I just hadn’t thought to update the software.
-Raptitude newsletter
As I sit writing this at lunchtime, I am surrounded by 40 children in the classroom, running back and forth, banging tables, experimenting with musical instruments, attempting homework or chewing on sugary candies. Each shouting over each other to be heard, some making fun, some making fists, some making affections. Some dance, some pull faces, and some express themselves quietly in their own minds before releasing a newfound energy burst that no one cares to notice.
Why can’t I practice this now? Where did my time go? Why does the weight of responsibility bear down on me now? Why do we grow up and what does it mean?
There’s a balance to be found somewhere within your own personal timeline. Do not close the mind off, do not become the old fogey that doesn’t understand the kids today and complains that the music isn’t what it used to be. You’ve had your turn, so what are you going to do now?
You need to upgrade your software. The hardware will continue to fail at a more rapid rate and software is the only way to deal with this problem. Otherwise, you will become redundant and end up dusty on a garage shelf, waiting for recycling one day.
Forever entropy
I got by for a long time. Instead of doing proper software upgrades, I tinkered randomly and blindly with the code. I put them off for as long as possible in a vain effort to maintain an ideal of youth. But youth is clumsy, ugly, grasping for meaning in a darkened room, grasping for skin in a passion of tears.
The light at the end of the tunnel ever approaches – we know one day we will see the light. Let’s get better – this is no time to be getting by.
……and all he did was cry I looked him in the face, but I couldn’t see past his eyes Asked him what the problem was, he says “Here is your disguise”
Husker Du – Hardly Getting Over It
Gratitude Journal
I’m so happy and grateful that I am still alive today. Many of us didn’t make it this far.
To-do list
Meditate and remember Kimi ✅
Tidy up (and move?) room ✅
Write down list of passwords for Amy
Hang up the bells somewhere ✅
Many positive affirmations today ½
Today was a struggle. I knew Amy was right when she was telling me not to cancel my classes today but it still sucked. I have an empty space in my stomach, a constant hole, sickly and void.
Teaching did take my mind off things and I did feel more reasonable afterwards but when I tried to meditate I could not stop my mind from wandering, not even hearing the words of the meditation. I am not looking forward to school tomorrow though know that the distraction will be helpful.
This tragic event puts the stupidity of the schools into perspective. They are not worth my time bothering about.
I talked with Parthiban online and I will try to do more things with him in the future. He was very close with Kimi too and is in the same shock. I will also think about going to Kimi’s funeral and helping Asikin with anything that I can. I talked with Thiban about maybe finishing off any projects that Kimi was in the middle of.
All the things that I have been studying and learning have been thoroughly tested this weekend. I see my biggest issue is over emotional control and I think I will look for more ways to try and improve that. All these ideas have been useless if I can’t utilise them when the time comes
I’m sitting here in a hot classroom with about thirty 10 and 11-year-olds dancing, screaming, shouting, crying, punching, singing, banging doors and hanging out windows. And this is on a good day.
But it is a good day. I am in the zone. I can hear and see the cacophony whirling around me, can feel the rush of air as little ghosts dash past. But I don’t notice it. Is this what a meditative state is like? I don’t know (yet).
I sat and listened to a meditation the other night. It had some special name and special components; it was interesting but made me very anxious. After relaxing into a quieter state you had to imagine yourself climbing a steep hill and huffing deeply, gasping for air. OK, I can imagine that. But this went on for what felt like 5 minutes. Huff huff. I wasn’t sure if I wasn’t getting too much air, or too little. Huff huff. I felt dizzy. Huff huff. Nauseous. Huff huff. Anxious. Huff huff. Muscles wound tight, I tensed my stomach, itched my arms and kicked my legs. Fuck this.
Of course, I understand the purpose and I’ll check this again – maybe in a morning before I’ve had any coffee. The feeling of reaching the top of a mountain after extreme exertion will always have a relaxing satisfaction. It’s a long journey. Next time.
I’m jealous of those who enjoy the benefits of meditation and it’s not that I don’t think I can do it. I fill my time with many things and meditation hasn’t found its way onto that list quite yet. Well, it is on the list, but never ticked.
Recently I have been able to tick a lot of things though and I’m quite proud of that. Everything around is about a challenge at the moment. A challenge of change. I’ve pondered if I’m having my mid-life crisis now. I think I had a minor one when I was about thirty but on reflection, it doesn’t seem like it was that critical. I want to get that long story written down one day, perhaps just so I can still remember it or enjoy it again when I’m going senile. Who knows when that will be?
If I can tick off some little challenges and form some good habits out of them I think they will prepare me for the bigger challenges that may be ahead. The unexpected challenges, the ones that you don’t realise are messing with your head and your happiness. I’m looking for better reactions and outcomes as I know I am sometimes my own worst enemy. I want to change.
I’m in a place right now that I consider a little precarious.
Moving from Australia to Thailand didn’t feel like much of a big deal and I have been particularly happy since making this move. No longer being in such a financial struggle has allowed lots of spare time to read, listen to music, write and learn more about myself. I have never needed to be surrounded by lots of people to maintain happiness and now I am far away from those that I have made friends with around the world. So, no big deal, I can make new friends here in Thailand.
But here’s the rub. I’m very conscious of some of the nefarious reasons that people come to live in Thailand, and how many Thais can exploit that. I didn’t come here to get sidetracked with other people’s ridiculous dramas. That rules out getting involved with the more visible of the English speakers where I am. Those people make themselves known.
I understand the comfort those people find drinking, gossiping and fornicating together. In a different time, I would’ve happily joined in. I don’t want to judge them too harshly. I just don’t want to be around them.
Now, myself not being the most outgoing person in the world, I am struggling a little bit because I would at least like the opportunity to make connections with more people. Not superficial acquaintances but connections like I have made in the past.
I can now look back at the feelings my ex from Japan had as she found it difficult to maintain friendships in Australia with her fellow countrymen as the nature of migration is most often temporary (not made easier by some countries’ inhospitable attitudes towards migrants).
Now I find myself with similar feelings.
I am attempting to connect as much as I can digitally and I am mostly happy in my little kingdom at home but outside those gates is starting to become a little scary and precarious. I feel like the rug could be pulled away at any time without any hope of control.
I started to think more about this because I set myself a challenge to talk to a stranger every day. That’s when I realised that I am the stranger now. Whilst I can communicate with a Thai person on a superficial level it can rarely go deeper, rarely connect.
Otherwise, I rarely see any other foreigners where there is an opportunity to talk but now it is in my mind. I tell the students here that they should run up to any foreigner they see and just start talking. Now, I have to tell myself to do that. It may be nothing…. No, it will never be nothing – there will always be something gathered from that challenge.
A friend may not be made; a connection may be forged; but a lesson will always be learned.
Now, I really should get back to studying some Thai.
Can you tell me What it is? Does it hurt you When I do this?
I love it, I hate it, I love it, I hate it too I love it, I hate it, I love it, so how about you?
Can you tell me? ‘Cause I don’t know Why don’t you tell me Why is it so Confusing?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I can think through things better than I could before. Even though I haven’t been severely tested yet, every little piece of learning is helping to prepare me for any difficult situations in the future.
I’m quite envious of my students sometimes when I watch them laughing and playing together. I can feel the joy and excitement – it shines through their skin. It takes me back to those utter joyful days of excitement and wonder. Nothing else mattered except the fun to be had.
It has just struck me that the event that changed me was when we were at school at night time, to perform a play. All the students were there and lots of parents too. I had such a feeling of joy and connection that I wanted to kiss everybody. I was the same age as the kids in my class now.
When I wanted to kiss boys, I was mercilessly ridiculed by some of the more sexually advanced kids and they then gossiped to other kids and I left that once joyful night totally humiliated. Hmm. That night played on my mind for a long time and is obviously still clear to me now. Fucking kids.
From commonplace book
From quiet homes and first beginning Out of the undiscovered ends There’s nothing worth the wear of winning Save laughter and the love of friends
Hilaire Belloe
To-do list
Start compiling exam questions ½
Check if emails can be compiled and printed ✅
Write more in school journal ✅
Can you find an opportunity to help someone
Keep practising – Think first, speak later
Strange day today. Only found out when I arrived that there was some event on all morning and there would be no lessons which meant changing my teaching plans somewhat. I really felt quite chill with everything today. Whilst others were complaining I thought it wasn’t useful. We always complain about the same things. We know they will happen again and again – so complaining isn’t going to change anything.
I sat in my classroom and did what I wanted all morning as I hadn’t been given any directive to be elsewhere. The lack of communication can work in my favour.
I compiled a bunch of outstanding emails and printed a bunch of things so I’m quite pleased with that. I started putting together the exam questions and have a few weeks left to complete all that.
I had lots of time as I also had no classes in the afternoon so I was able to read and write a lot. As I didn’t meet many adults today I didn’t really find an opportunity to help anyone. I would’ve liked to ask Kru Noon if she wanted me to do anything but I only saw her for about five minutes around lunchtime. I’ll keep in my mind that I should offer some help.
I spoke a bit more than necessary when I met some of the other teachers – must remember to keep some thoughts to myself. I didn’t overdo anything though. Just something to keep getting better at.
Tomorrow I will drive to Chiang Mai for my passport application. I challenge myself to drive more slowly – not over 100 km/h and to be more careful. I will go to Mohawk Bar in the evening and meet John Murrie – I’m interested in what he has to say about teaching and politics.
If I have time I will drop by International House and say hello. Also, if time and money permits I’d like to check out the bookshop that Oh recommended.
1994ever 