“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
Facebook post:
Going to the airport to pick up the amazing drummer son of mine.
11 Jul 2009 – Hayden was living with his mum in Brisbane at this time and would fly down every two weeks to stay with me. He’d racked up more flights than me by this time and he was only 12 or 13 years old.
22nd Feb 2024 – Hayden’s tenth Christmas
I feel like I’m getting more and more insane! Everything means so much today – why so serious? Why can’t I relax? Feeling disconnected from my body – wonder if it’s something serious or just my stupid self hurting me?
Feel like getting everything completed – wrap it up. Where do I belong now? What am I running from? Where am I running to? What’s the big plan? Why has it missed me?
Am comforted by the thought that probably millions of others feel isolated in the same way. I want to live a simple life – how can I do it knowing all the comforts I have around me? I feel guilty for the world’s burden!
After a couple of days of feeling like I wanted (or was going) to die – today I actually feel great to be alive!
Hayden lost his first top front tooth today! I think it freaked him out a little! He was in a very good mood after that happened!
Freaking out in my head again – feel like my brain cells are disappearing – information is leaking away. I seem to spend my time wishing for better days, wasting the ones here and now. I find myself in conversations not knowing what is being talked about – my mind snapped to elsewhere. Everything feels fatigued or full of potential fatigue, stopping me from starting anything. Where is this coming from? Where is it going to end up?
Spoke to Mum on the phone – I didn’t have much to say. Felt like throwing up. Felt like crying. She keeps her life going along.
I feel like my major aim in life should be to try to ensure that Hayden doesn’t go through these feelings – help him overcome this despair – but I can’t even help myself!
Hayden came over and walked into the living room which had been changed around since he was last here. He then checked out my bedroom which had also changed. This though, upset him because his own room was still the same.
I explained that I didn’t want to move his room around without him being there and now we could move it together, however he wanted it. That cheered him up a little.
The initial pessimism though was a real highlight – I want to help him look at situations as a positive instead of negative.
15th April 2022 – Hayden was six years old by now and his personality already developed to some degree. This attitude to change has become even more obvious as he grew up. Ironically, or perhaps not helped by the fact that he has had to undergo quite a few major changes in his life. Somehow it feels as if Bronwyn and I were never able to provide the skills for him to deal with change very well.
He struggles with making his own changes and feels at home in his comfort zone. For me, that feels like it’s holding him back. But I guess I was like that somewhat too, even until my late 20s and making that uncomfortable decision to leave all I knew behind and take a chance in Australia.
I’ve been thinking about this a bit more recently as I’ve been putting lessons together for next semester. I want to open the student’s minds to the possibilities out there for them even with all the societal restrictions in place that may be too overwhelming for them.
I wonder if I feel a greater responsibility to my students than I ever had to Hayden? Is that just my own self-doubt?
Email with TLJ:
S: Did I ever tell you how awesome you are?
HJ rang me this morning…..kinda….he was way cute! Can’t wait to see him on Saturday. I gotta come up with some new things to do with him – both at home and out – any ideas?
Thanks for the best night – I’m sorry I had to drag you home. I’m feeling bouncy and full of beans this morning – despite the lack of sleep – and who knows I may even go swimming this afternoon!
Awesome!Awesome!Awesome!
Love to you kitty-cat
T: Hey, I wanna come meet you in Chatswood when you get off work for a few hours.
But I don’t want to disturb you from swimming.
so what shall we do?
Mail me – what time are you getting off work, then I’ll come meet you – and if you want to go swimming, you can take me home.
See ya soon?
S: Miss you muchly this morning……..
Love to be wrapped in your love…..can we do it all again…..everyday?
Next Week:
8th – the Necks
9th – the Necks
11th – Hosemobile
12th – Hosemobile Cat Power
13th – Cat Power
I’m thinking of the 9th, 12th (hosemobile) and the 13th. Can you come with me to any of these?
Mail me, call me – everything me.
You know, I feel sorry for your uni friends at CSC – wish I could help in some way…..
Did I help you last night? I hope I did a bit. And sorry I bit your head off – you can have it back now……
T: You said you were coming to the city sometime this week, but I guess not. I really wanted to meet you for lunch and go see art express. If you don’t come see it with me, someone else will, or I’ll go myself. Please come see it with me.
S: I have to come down for a meeting on Mon or Tues – maybe we could catch the train in together whichever day it is – and I’ll see if I can stay around til lunchtime.
T: You were a great help last night – thanks. Sorry for being SOO annoying, but if you don’t like it, we can make like a banana and split.
S: I do like it – you can be as annoying as you like and I will still love you madly. (But don’t try it….!)
T: Anyway, am keen to see some of those bands (The Necks and Catpower), and if you don’t mind, I might ask some of my tour friends along.
S: That’s cool – why not. Do you think they will be funny about me (or will I be sitting somewhere else?)
T: I think you’ll like some of them (seeing as they’re Asian girls and all).
S: Yes, cos asian girls are intelligent aren’t they?
T: Oh, and that thing you forwarded to me – I’ve got a lot to say about it.
S: Compared with white/white ratio I think the whole white/yellow thing is blown out of proportion. People are attracted to all sorts of particular physical things – thinness, fatness, tallness, shortness, etc – why not a cultural one if it fits that person’s idea of beautiful? Do you think you would think the same thing if you weren’t Asian?
T: mail me, have a good night tonight, give Hayden a kiss for me.
S: I will give HJ a kiss from you. I miss you baby and wish I could come and see you today. I’m sorry if you got in trouble last night. Please come see me sometime on the weekend. And, hey, let’s do lots of mad exciting stuff too!
Email with TLJ:
T: Thank you very much for the long email. I was getting very tired – I never have anything to do in the afternoon – especially Fridays.
S: And I think a trip to Kiama would be a nice fun day out and a trip up the mountains again – this time we’ll go a bit earlier though and on a sunny day.
T: Chris – the guy I work with – is going to this show in Kiama on the weekend – it’s supposed to be like a little royal easter show.
I keep listening to your voicemail and laughing – you sound pathetic. I think it’s the breathing that makes you sound so perverse – listen to it again.
Anyway, how come you didn’t ring me before you left. I was looking up things on the internet and getting very tired.
S: How was your party last night? Hope you had fun and got back in time for plenty of sleep – somehow I think you’ll still be tired this morning. I am damn tired too plus my left eye hurts!
T: Were the Cardiacs on the internet???? Hope you got to see them.
S: I couldn’t get through this morning. It was only audio too – not video. there’s been a few emails saying how great they were.
Thinking about going swimming at lunchtime – help motivate me!
T: Come see me for lunch instead!
S: I want to come down into the city one day this week – Brad in Melbourne wants me to pick up the last copies of that Miracleman book I found cheap just opposite Centrepoint.
T: I remember why I’m mad at you now – it’s because you called me a drama queen and you were really serious – and nobody’s called me that before and i hate drama queens. Please tell me you don’t mean it. Anyway, if i’m one then
you are one too cause you’re just as bad as me! And if you’re a drama queen, then i won’t like you cause you are one, and you’d be a hypocrite as well – and i don’t like them either. So you have to take the comment back or i can’t like you and you insulted me as well – so you have to apologise.
S: Are you mad at me? How long have you been mad at me? You’re not really a drama queen but you’ve got a great pout. If I have to apologise then I’m sorry. Are you still mad at me now?
T: Anyway, really hope to see you soon – and look, it’s nearly time for morning tea.
S: I look forward to seeing you too sweety.
T: Join me for morning tea.
PS – mail me a long email now.
S: Hmmm…this is all I gots time for just now – more later….
Did you have a good day yesterday? I wonder if you didn’t come round because you asked me what we would do and I said I didn’t know….anyway, I thought of something to do and then fell asleep and when I woke up and spoke to you, you weren’t coming – so we could do it some other time – nothing fantastic but would’ve been cool and fun. Anyway – Hayden was cute last night – I gave him a bath and read him his bedtime stories. He fell asleep instantly! Miss you babe – mail me soon!
T: I kinda miss you,
S: Is that good or bad? What are you doing today?
T: and I had this really weird dream where I was really slack to you (but you deserved it). Anyway, I woke up and thought that it was a good thing it was just a dream cause I’d never treat you like that in real life, would I?
S: ……..
T: Sorry I didn’t speak to you last night – was pretty tired and watched the end of the Scarlet Letter and went to bed. Anyhow, I’m really tired this morning. Saw Robert walking to work this morning. Spoke to him for a while.
Did you ring me at 6:50 last Friday? got a message but someone just hung up. Anyway, how late are you going to be tonight?
S: No I don’t think I rang and I wouldn’t hang up anyway. Not sure what time I’ll be – why?
T: How’s Hayden and Bronwyn? Hope they had fun. Anyway, probably won’t see you next weekend but I’ll try.
S: Did you get the last email I sent (this morning)? Hope you have fun
Email with TLJ:
T: I performed a site update today – well, most of it was run from a batch script BUT I only had to be shown once.
S: What! You are actually doing some work! Good for you!
T: Anyway, thanks very much for meeting me for lunch today – I had heaps of fun.
S: Me too – always a pleasure to be in your company – even when you tell me you’re having s*x with someone else!
T: You have to come when it’s sunny so we can sit in Hyde Park or walk to the art gallery when Art Express is on.
S: Is Art Express on already – I saw it advertised on TV – but, yes – let’s go. I may have Hayden on the 18th (Thursday) as Bronwyn has to go somewhere – maybe we could come and meet you?
T: Please, please, please come meet me with Hayden.
S: OK! May have to make it a 12 o’clock lunch so that I can get him home for his sleep though.
T: Hope you’re having fun at work.
S: Only just got here!
T: Sorry, I can’t pick you up tonight – you know I would if I didn’t have soccer.
S: Yeah yeah yeah whatever. Fine.
T: But I will try and see you tonight ok?
S: ALLLLLLLLLLRRRRIIIGGHHHHTTTTTT!!!!!!
T: I’ve had an awful day already – late in for work (well, 10 to 9, so I’ll have to work back a bit – and it’s Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got deodorant on my Jigsaw dress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m also really tired and hope I don’t get a headache. Still have to get Kath a present – wouldn’t have a clue what to get.
S: I’m sorry baby – if you need a cuddle to cheer you up my arms are always open.
T: Watched Jerry Sadowitz – it seemed funnier the first time.
S: You need to watch it in my fine company – that’s the difference.
T: La Haine’s on tonight I think – ABC 9:30,
S: I should tape it then!
T: I can’t find my La Haine tape so I want to watch it. I hope the guys come round tonight – otherwise I won’t see Andrew before he leaves – but he’s probably still packing
S: I hope you get to see them too. I love the way you love your friends.
Hey – Cardiacs are playing three gigs in London – Friday, Sat and Sun. Fri’s and Sun’s are going out live on the internet! Got to get up at 6am to listen to them! That’s gonna be hard!
Love to you angelcakes
T: Hey, I don’t have anything to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
S: then go and ask someone for something to do! Aren’t you fixing up the website, learning HTML etc etc?
T: Come meet me for lunch, and email me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
S: Too late – I’ve had lunch now! Oh well, please accept this email instead.
T: What did you do last night???
S: Last night I bathed in the ecstasy of you. Everything else after that paled into insignificance.
T: What are you doing tonight???
S: Taking it easy I think. I want to go swimming tomorrow morning, as well as waking up to hear Cardiacs
T: What are you doing at work right now??
S: Writing this mail to you, eating a sandwich and trying to get the SNMP traps sent from Patrol to our test TNG box
T: Hope you’re having fun.
S: Life is fun with you in my life. Thank you!
T: Will have to look for Kath’s present at lunch – but I’m too tired.
S: I hope you figured something out!
You know you went 57 days last month! – You’ve screwed up the chart completely!!!
20th Oct 2024 – The timeline is out of whack for these emails and they would’ve happened over a period of a few days too. I’m not sure what the comment about 57 days refers to.
Email to TLJ:
Babe
Oh man – I wish you would call! I miss you badly sweety – and then I realise you’ve only been gone less than two weeks! I had a bad dream on Friday night. Me and your Dad were comparing the sizes of our bellies and both saying how we should get some exercise (this wasn’t the bad part of the dream by the way!). You’d also just come back from Taiwan and were happy to see me but then didn’t want to talk about anything and you half joking, half meant it when you told me to go away. So I went away…You didn’t come talk to me until later and then you were shitty with me for going before! Anyway, this all made me feel down when I woke up and I wanted to speak to you – make sure you’re all right and everything. I hope you’re still having fun there – sure wish I could get some contact with you though – if I had yr number I’d be calling.
The gigs on the weekend were pretty cool. Gerling were good and Not From There were good too – didn’t stay til the end of their set though – I’d had a few drinks (wasn’t driving) and needed to go home and sleep. I walked all the way from Annandale to Central – stopping off to pick up a veggie kebab on the way – which was the best food I’d ever eaten considering how hungry and tired I was. By this time I’d sobered up considerably too!
Next gig was Vicious Hairy Mary at the Globe – didn’t stay for VHM but saw Testicle Candy who were fuckin awesome. Oren and Robbie from Phlegm, Lucas and two Japanese dudes. They just made a racket then ran round the back out the side through the audience and round back on stage round and round – hitting things when they got back on stage! Lucas had had a major operation on his arm a couple of days before and was in a sling and cast! The audience was pretty nonplussed! Zenryoko Onanies were great! Funny, fun punk rock n roll. Absolutely Japanese. I met an old friend called Troy too and got his number which was cool.
Hayden had a fantastic weekend with lots of toys and lots of fun! He had a bit of a temperature on Sunday but we still had fun. I had him in no nappy most of the day trying to get him to go on the potty. He did some wee in there which was cool – but left a trail of sweetcorn poo up the hall! He was quite proud of that too! Well, no rest for the wicked – back to work….Come home safely my angel – I can’t wait to hold you again.
Your pal, your friend
1994ever 