Tag: holiday

No Hope – 31st March 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A lottery ticket’s luck
To a loser’s life will suck
Muddling on through the muck
Hope is a waste of energy

Waiting for a winning hand
To cross the line in the sand
If it doesn’t go as planned…..
Hope is just poor expectation

These tragedies will never fail
To inspire us to rail
Against them, tooth and nail
Hope is a waste of time

Don’t just hope for the best
Without committing to the test
There is never a second’s rest
For the heroes and their inspiration

Submitted to Ovi Challenge – Hope

Today I’m feeling:

Much improved.  Almost normal even!  Is it a psychological trait of mine?  A mental quirk?  Does my brain make me feel ill when there are things that I’m supposed to do that I really can’t be fucked to do? 

And now, Sunday – usually the day before going back to work (which I love when there are students at school and detest when there aren’t and we are there just because we are supposed to be) but tomorrow is the first day of the holiday.  Has circumstance suddenly tricked me into feeling well?

It’s also weird to be annoyed at having five weeks holiday this year, a week more than last year, and this is because it is the worst time of year here for air pollution and five weeks in October would be so much more preferable.  But like I say it’s weird to be bothered about having extra holiday time!

Today I’m grateful for:

Uncle Nit next door who is helping us sort out some extra work that we need to connect up our drainage to the new drains being added under the widened road.  

Uncle also told us that he’s never seen anything come out of our drain so I’m not exactly sure where our wastewater even goes.

The best thing about today was:

Getting this message from one of my grade 10 students Miwkey:

I am impressed and enjoy learning in the teacher’s lesson. Since I studied with foreign teachers, I have never met a teacher like you. I’ve only encountered foreign teachers who use their emotions towards their students while not paying attention to the lessons they teach in the classroom.

I kind of understand what she means – I think there are many teachers who don’t and sometimes can’t actually assist with explaining some things and just tell the students that they are stupid and should figure it out for themselves. Sigh.

I do also ask them to figure things out for themselves but I’m going to guide them with effective methods that they can remember and reuse.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Whilst at Utopia Amy called me to pick up some veggies at the market. When I got back she saw them and exclaimed ‘Noooo, not that one! Go back now!’

Luckily I was in a good mood and quickly went back and got the correct ones.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

More encouragement for students via LINE.

What word or phrase sums up this month?

Tired would pretty much be it. Is it that I’m tired after this busy school year? Because I invest so much of myself into it emotionally? It’s not really been that busy since Christmas.

Perhaps it’s a combination of that and missing the kids, the heat and air pollution and not really having any plans to go anywhere. 

But I did feel better today at least.

Amy took this picture because she wanted to show off her tamarind eggs. Unfortunately, she got a crazy teacher in the shot too!

Foreign Policy – 12th October 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

When my boot is on your neck
I’ll offer you charity for your aid
Then once our positions are understood
Your debt to me needs to be repaid

I’m sympathetic to all your woes
But don’t finger-point at me
Even though it’s no longer a secret
About my foreign policy

The blame lies back with yourself
And your own quest to rule
The floods and famine of God’s will
And you’ve been played the fool

You are the pirates, as I steal
You are the dictator, as I dictate
Look around for your own slaves
And look to me to imitate

I rained down democratic bombs
Gave you the freedom you need
You’re exactly where you are wanted
Precisely as I agreed

Today I’m feeling:

(2 am) Despite a long day, I’m still awake. Have a headache and tense legs. I want to sleep. I know I’m tired. But my body just won’t let me.

I’ve watched a star travel from the middle of the window until the edge, over these last three hours.

(11 am) I woke up again around 7 am with the sun shining through the window and was wide awake again for another hour. I managed to get up despite not wanting to, as I want to get coffee!

Today I’m grateful for:

Being able to link my Aussie bank card to Apple Pay which makes it easy to pay for things here.

The best thing about today was:

The evening of jazz was nice and I enjoyed it.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

After looking forward to walking down King Street in Newtown I was disappointed in the shops that are there now and that despite it being late-night shopping, everywhere except for bars and restaurants were already closing before 6 pm. The city too seems a little over-gentrified with only a few old-school shops being able to hold on and it won’t be long for them either. This is not my city anymore.

Something I learned today?

Sydney is not what it used to be.

I got a message today that we go back to school on the 27th which gives me a couple of extra recovery days. However, for some reason they want us to work at the weekend too! I think for us we can probably just go and clock in though. I’m not sure what they expect us to be doing really.

What is one thing that I have always wanted to create?

Since enjoying music so much in my life I’ve also wanted to make it. Unfortunately, I have little talent or education and now I don’t make enough time to do it despite having the tools available. There’s still plenty of time left, right?

I took this picture because this is the first, and maybe last, time at Lazybones jazz club in Marrickville.

Flaming Sword – 2nd October 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 4 Comments

She didn’t ask to join this club
The grief is so big, even shared
Suffering in silence, or out loud
It’s a struggle that no one is spared

And when a life is taken away
Leaving the living seems so unkind
To wonder, in search of meaning
When tragedy is all she can find

How to lay open the world to truth?
Will her fierce soul light the flame?
A sword to strike out resilient
And to change the world yet again

inspired by The Red Hand Files #254
3rd Jul 2024 – Submitted to Weekly Prompts Wednesday Challenge

Today I’m feeling:

Pretty good. I persevered with morning exercise despite this being a week with no classes and I could easily have decided to have a break. But I pushed through. It was weird to be at school again with no students around. It’s amazing to think that these thousands of kids are all out there somewhere doing things and during the term they all gather together in this one place.

Today I’m grateful for:

The folks at MFU hospital today. I had to go and get more medicine and have waited four months beyond my scheduled appointment because the timing has not been good with me having to be at school when the doctor is there.
Somehow I managed to breeze straight in despite a roomful of patients(presumably they were waiting for other doctors). Then I decided I was waiting too long to pick up the medicine so went off to Daytripper to get some lesson planning done and on return to hospital I was able to breeze in again, collect my meds and go. Easy.

The best thing about today was:

Getting into the swing of lesson planning again. I only did one today but can feel more brewing! I just need to focus.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Totally ran out of energy around 7 pm, perhaps enhanced by a drop too much cannabutter. Sleeping early tonight…

Something I learned today?

Matt sent me a cool video of a band called Hariguem Zaboy. The song had some great off-kilter post-punk guitar and a bouncy rhythm that reminded me of some Japanese bands.

What is my favourite thing about this month?

October? The only regular thing about this month is my birthday which doesn’t carry much significance for me anymore.

This is holiday time in Thailand which is nice but last year we had a 4-week break and this time apparently it’s just 5 days (though I’ll be taking longer with my trip to Australia). Planning things here can be difficult and it sort of contributes to the chill chill attitude and just going with the flow. In some ways, it’s a child-like approach to life which can be exciting but I’ve long grown out of it so sometimes it grates.

October is also the end of the rainy season and the cool of winter approaching is a great relief.

My Witness – 24th September 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Who is my witness? Who is left alive?
Does anyone remember our struggling to strive?
With no one left to share
Is there anyone left to care?
All the wisdoms found
Buried back in the ground
Words are often repeated
Once the time’s completed
The same mistakes are made
For which the past already paid

inspired by this post at Spinning Visions

Today I’m feeling:

A bit fried. My head is not quite clear this morning. I’m not unhappy or bothered at the moment, just kinda wondering what’s next.

(Later) The weekend slumber has helped and I feel fighting fit again for a new week. Last week at school with the kids!

Today I’m grateful for:

The non-communicative (grumpy?) guy in the bottle shop next door to Lamp Cafe who said nothing except ‘30 baht’ when I was buying soda water. He never looked up at me or said thank you or goodbye, even though I did. I’m getting used to all sorts of people and grateful that I still feel like this is an enjoyable place for me to be.

The best thing about today was:

The slow get-go that eventually turned into enthusiasm and happiness. It’s hot again but I definitely prefer the less cloudy grey skies. Riding back from Utopia I was considering riding off and around about but perhaps have to wait until next weekend.

Something I learned today?

I watched a fascinating documentary about the collapse of the Bronze Age in the Mediterranean. It makes me interested to travel more. In my imagination, it feels like life hasn’t changed there much over the centuries.

What activities cause me to lose track of time?

As I’m getting older I’m finding more and more that time slips away ever faster. I’m never troubled by boredom anymore and often wish I could be. I’d like time to slow down. Could I stand to give up my comfortable life and possessions for a more meaningful and meagre existence? Do I really want to feel bored again?

Pretty much all activities cause me to lose track of time these days.

Where can I broaden my perspective?

I think this can be anywhere and everywhere. Despite knowing I am opinionated on many things I don’t wish to ever become close-minded about things. I can only make judgements on the things I know and I must admit that I don’t know everything. My perspective is broadened every day with everything I see and do.

Noey took this picture because… I’m not sure why actually, but I think I look pretty good in it.

Stuck In Reverse – 9th September 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Oil pours from the heart
Thick, sad and grey
Even the falling tears
Cannot wash it away
Struggling with movement
This unreal ache inside
Consumes all thoughts
As if one had died

Life continues blurred
A no-prescription fix
Life left without magic
A wall without bricks
Cogs no longer turning
Rusted brown from salt
Stuck in reverse
But nobody’s fault

Today I’m feeling:

Still a little run-down. I had some tension in my legs that stopped me from sleeping much beyond my alarm and eventually pulled myself out of bed. The gardeners are coming today and I was expecting them to wake me up but no sign yet. I contemplated some exercise but flaked out. Ugh.

Today I’m grateful for:

Being able to watch the AFL again this season. This elimination final has got me tense and stressed and it’s the end for Sydney and the rest of the day will feel a little flat unless I find something to do to pick myself up. Fark it!

I’m also grateful to the Swans for their determination to make the finals this year against the odds. They are not a premiership-looking team at the moment though to be fair they weren’t in 2012 either when they beat Hawthorn. Let’s wait for next summer.

The best thing about today was:

Receiving a nice message from my student Namkhing (see yesterday) for helping her improve her English. It made me feel appreciated.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The gardeners still hadn’t come by 1 pm so I went out to grab some lunch and go shopping and when I got back three hours later they were just leaving. As I wasn’t here I couldn’t tell them not to cut Kim’s patch but at least they left the tub that is placed over her plant. The things growing there will recover pretty quickly anyway so not too bad.
Elsewhere I can see everything is pretty badly done if you look closely. Really no attention to detail.
I was curious if the little papaya would get destroyed and sure enough, it did. I don’t want to tell Amy how unsatisfied I am with their work as it will just make her upset and angry and give her more ammunition to complain about her undeveloped third-world country. I think that will just get me down so I’ll just dwell on the fact that at least the grass looks better.

Something I learned today?

There are an estimated 8.7 million species on earth and more than 80% of them are undiscovered. (factanimal.com)

What am I most excited about for the future?

I should be more excited about going to Australia and I probably will feel it more once I land. The familiarity of Sydney will make for a strange feeling as this will be the first time to take a holiday in this city. Most holidays I had when I was there involved going to someplace else.

As I was writing this Amy video-called and I could see the familiar deep blue sky behind her. I could sense the smells, sounds and feeling of being there. Whilst I miss that now, I know that familiarity breeds contempt or more just complacency and taking things for granted. Maybe I’m even taking things for granted here now too as I’m less awed by the fact that I am here in Thailand.

Beyond that, I’m not particularly excited about anything specifically. I’m either flat or satisfied with where I’m at right now and I prefer to think I’m the latter.

I took this picture because this excited little pup came to greet me at the restaurant next door to Utopia. It’s grown since I last saw it but I could still squash it with my foot!

Pick Up The Gun – 23rd August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Can no resistance be explained?
The water surrounds the rocks
Doing nothing is still doing something
That can’t be explained to the jocks

To pick up the gun is enticing
But ultimately is an excuse
It’s the escalation required
To break through a lasting truce

The wisest study the art of war
Their patience is to be admired
While the provocateurs will eat themselves
Without a single shot being fired

inspired by the titular Bill Hicks bit

Today I’m feeling:

With doing extra exercise in the morning I’ve been falling asleep a little earlier these last couple of nights and with no meals yesterday after breakfast, just snacks, yesterday I woke up tired and sleepy.

I pushed through exercise this morning despite feeling like I could give up. I’m glad I did that. My body feels good and my brain, despite telling me I’m tired, exhausted, sleepy etc, is feeling good too.

Today I’m grateful for:

My little plastic toe separator for my left foot’s big toe, trying to push it back into line and hopefully ease the pain in the main joint. I’ve tried a few others but they have ended up being painful to wear for long periods. This one I can wear all the time (except when wearing shoes).

The best thing about today was:

A sudden feeling in my feet that was free of pain. It was really noticeable though only lasted for a couple of seconds. I will be pleased if this is a sign of moving towards pain-free feet. I know this is an odd thing to list as the best thing but I was shocked when I felt it. In my negative thought mode, I wonder if perhaps my pain receptors are turning off instead!

Something I learned today?

Thaksin came back to Thailand after 15 years in exile and went straight to jail. He’s 74 years old and has health issues and the talk is that he will have to serve 8 years in prison. This all happened on the same day his old political party made a deal with their foes to form a government without the party that won the election earlier this year. There’s something tricky going on for sure!

What am I curious about?

Hmm.. I feel a lot less curious about things these days. As with the quote from the other day, I’m aware that there is so much I don’t know but I’m also not concerned with it either.

Maybe I’m curious about how long I will live and be able to ward off senility and fragility. I’m not really fighting against it but trying to maintain what health I do have. Ultimately it doesn’t matter.

I’m less curious about music these days as I have so much backlogged that it’s overwhelming. If I was still involved in a scene I would be more motivated to keep looking for new things. I kinda miss that but enjoy other things instead.

I’m curious about how I feel when I fly to Australia in October. This will be my first time in Australia for a short holiday, much like we would do every couple of years from Australia to Thailand. I’m not looking forward to the prices though!

I took this picture because it took me a moment to realise what this was from inside the door. This beauty is bigger than my hand.

Where To Hide? – 29th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Where can I hide from you?
Your red and blue words cut
Angel face, honest and true
Harder to crack than a nut
Where can I hide from me?
My blue and red words cut
My cave mind unfair, unfree
Always stuck in my own nut
All that glitters is not gold
Our stories best left untold

Today I’m feeling:

Very relaxed feeling today so far. I feel like I got an unexpected holiday gifted to me.

Today I’m grateful for:

My curtains all around the house. Since Amy went back to Australia I keep most of the curtains drawn all day to try and stop the sunlight and heat getting in. I think in our next house we have to think more carefully about design to allow better airflow and insulation to keep heat out. If there ever is a next house.

The best thing about today was:

Enjoying all the things I was reading from Substack articles about events in China, Dave Simspson’s book The Fallen about ex-members of the Fall and Michael Parkinson’s biography about his interviews with Muhammad Ali.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I called Hayden today and he was feeling down about things. He complained about his friends and how he feels they are treating him and also that he was feeling lonely. I was a little stuck with what to say and ended up saying that me and mum were far from good examples on how to make and maintain friendships and I felt a bit apologetic towards him. I tried to generalize things a bit and tell him that we often don’t have any idea what other people are dealing with so we have to forgive them and at the same time, we also have to be kinder to ourselves. I’m still trying to understand these things so he shouldn’t beat himself up about not knowing the best thing to do.  Although I couldn’t really help him at least he knows he has someone he can talk to.

Something I learned today?

I think I accidentally saw the result from today’s Swans match whilst looking around Youtube. I didn’t see a score but the picture and title were definitely pointing to a defeat. Oh well. I will still watch the match replay tomorrow morning and try and enjoy it!

What is my idea of fun?

These days I feel like I have no idea about fun. I’m happy and content but fun doesn’t play much of a part in my life right now. Perhaps the closest I get to the feeling is going on crazy bike rides or being with my students. I would love to be involved in concert organisation again but there’s just no chance of doing it locally and I’m slowly losing touch with what’s going on around southeast Asia too.

I took this picture as a follow-up to yesterday’s. It seems these flowers don’t burst open into bloom, they just wilt like this. They look like they are tired and gave up.

Fragile – 31st March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Hang on in there
Don’t make this goodbye
Your eyes shine at me
But don’t speak those words
I don’t want to wake up
To hear those sad words
It’s in the balance, fragile
Like your kiss
I want to see you again

Written for Kim Chi.
30th May 2024 – Submitted to FOWC with Fandango

Today I’m feeling:

Fairly happy but stressed about Kim Chi’s health.

Today I’m grateful for:

Having been able to save a little money over the last couple of months which I’d planned to spend on myself but have been able to cover all the expenses our cats have had in March.

The best thing about today was:

The official start of the holiday for me. Also, see the attached picture.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

After dropping Kim with the vet this morning they advised to come back after 5 pm which I did. Dr Arnon said she only has a 50% chance of surviving this latest problem which is a low red blood cell count and lung infection.

Kim looks very sorry for herself but tried to sit up when she saw me and heard Amy’s voice on a video call. I got the impression Dr Arnon was trying to give us hope whilst he didn’t really believe it. I guess I would do that too. Nothing to do now but wait.

It was difficult to talk with Amy. She feels helpless because she is so far away and I’m helpless even though I am near.

We are sad that we can’t comfort each other though. Kim has been dealt a bad hand after being left to die in the back of a truck and having leukaemia.

We know that her life will be short but it’s hard to reconcile when we’ve seen her so happy and playful most of the time.

I really hope we can see that again.

Something I learned today?

The Thai PM has admitted failure in being able to control the annual fires and pollution in Thailand. No shit Sherlock. Doing next to fuck all about it never amounts to much.

Reflect on a meaningful experience I had this week.

It’s hard to write anything at this time whilst Kim Chi’s life is in the balance. I’m questioning myself if I did enough for her, should I have taken her to the vet sooner?

In hindsight, I can imagine she has not been well for a while but cats are never that clear about showing distress. If this is my meaningful experience this week it’s not over yet.

KP contacted me again about doing the English camp on Saturday which I had to decline because, despite feeling better myself, the air outside is still at hazardous levels. In normal circumstances, I would do it but now my feeling is low about things. Sigh.

Jet drew this picture of me because I asked her to. She’s a talent. Not sure about the devil horns though. She was very happy with her overall grade and said she looked forward to me teaching her again next semester.

The Visitor – 6th March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Our visitor, quiet by our side
So close, so very close
There’s no one else and nothing happens
We share this realm
There’s no ordinary language
Just the feeling of unbounded love
The presence remains
Long after the sun turns golden
The comfort the visitor brings
– Hope to see you again

inspired by (and phrases appropriated from) Nick Cave’s Red Hand Files

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and relaxed.

Today I’m grateful for:

The iron, the ironing board, electricity, TV, Netflix, Sex Education and spare time. All these combined saw me knock off the pile of 20-plus shirts that now hang, reasonably smooth, in my wardrobe.

The best thing about today was:

Shaving off a five-day beard growth with a new razor. I always try to make my razors last well past their supposed use date which is something ridiculous like 15 shaves. But I’m also always relieved when I switch to a new one and can get a clean shave with no rashes or cuts.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My main computer has been slowly dying for the last two years and is being particularly troublesome today after not having any issues at all yesterday. I get to the point where I’m resigned to the fact that I’ll have to buy a new one and then it will suddenly start working ok again for a few months. This time might be the end though.

Something I learned today?

I watched a video about the Two Sessions in China. The National People’s Congress and the CPPCC ( I forget exactly what this acronym is now). They meet every year and elect new leaders every five. What was interesting was that they clearly represent a wide range of peoples and groups throughout the whole country.

What is a defining moment of my life?

Moving away from the UK – really the whole impetus for this blog which has now morphed into something else.

Meeting TLJ – the start of a long difficult recovery.

Meeting Amy – the becoming of a truly independent adult and finding deep happiness.

I took this picture because as I was arriving at Utopia this morning the leaves’ symmetry struck me, requesting a photo to be taken.

Although the semester isn’t over and I still have things to do, it already feels like holiday.
Today is another Buddhist holiday too so I’m taking advantage of the free time. I ploughed through the shirts whilst watching Netflix – the semi-watchable but very contrived Sex Education. The best thing about it is the setting in a beautiful part of England that I’ll look up and find because I’d like to go there and check it out for real.
The air quality fucking sucks right now and the mountains are barely visible but I’ve forced myself out again, to sit at Daytripper, read, write and reflect.

King Of A Shithole – 12th December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The big cheese on the housing estate
The tough guy standing guard at the gate
The geezer at the bar talking shite
Bouncers bouncing idiots into the night

All the finagling to become the king
To lay down the tune for others to sing
Here amongst the whores you sit
The king of nothing, the king of shit

‘King of a shithole’ was a line in Top Boy Summerhouse. The first line is a nod to a Half Man Half Biscuit song ‘He’s the big cheese down at the Tourist Information’.

The fact that a man who goes his own way ends in ruin means nothing…He must obey his own law, as if it were a daemon whispering to him of new and wonderful paths.

Carl Jung

Today I’m feeling:
Lethargic and dizzy
Today I’m grateful for:
Yet another of Thailand’s holidays giving me another day off work. I spent it restoring energy, sleeping and watching TV!
The best thing about today was:
Watching Top Boy and identifying with one of the child characters that felt lost and useless. He got manipulated because of his ignorance and it made me think how easily that could have happened to me.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy was a bit grumpy in the morning so we kind of avoided talking about anything much. She cheered up later when Takky, Hangy and Berm came over and they all got on the wine. I was still dizzy and tired and was grateful that I could just watch tv whilst they had a blast.
Describe your most ideal day from beginning to end.
I get up in the morning
I go to bed at night
Everything in between is a bonus.

I took this picture because it is gardener’s day again today. Always looks good after they’ve been.