A local legend Filled with holes An awesome story Forever told Misquoted memory A dramatic twist A Chinese whisper Adds to the list Was he so high He just stayed on? Slept under stars Friends all gone
Inspired by the story of Grant Hart staying on in the town where Husker Du played their final show for several months after. I read this in The Punk Planet Interviews book.
Today I’m feeling:
My body is tired again. Can’t motivate myself much though I’ll hang from my hoops later and try to stretch out some weariness.
Today I’m grateful for:
The old uncle who waved me forward indicating that the way I was going was the way out. This was after I emerged from a Google glitch that had me deeply embedded in jungle vines and old bamboo, shredding my legs. Thanks, Google. Thanks, uncle.
The best thing about today was:
Having an afternoon nap between 10 and 11 am was odd. It was maybe only twenty minutes long and despite having had two coffees it was deep and refreshing. Almost as if I was prescribed a certain amount of sleep and I just needed to finish it off. Anyway, I knew I would have to try and counter an actual afternoon nap by taking myself off somewhere so I hopped on the bike with the intention to ride up to Mae Chan in the opposite direction that Bruno and I came back through a couple of weeks back (avoiding the police check). From there I wanted to travel through some of the villages near the base of the mountains around there. Lots of nice spots with views and funny little paths off here and there that were fun to explore. All the while riding along the almost dry river there. A fun day out. Tiring and refreshing at the same time.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
At Utopia this morning I had a sudden need to use their tiny bathroom. I could see the floor was wet but didn’t realise how much so until I stood up and my pants were soaked through and I looked like I’d peed myself. There was nothing else I could do about it except walk back out into the shop and past all the staff and customers, all the while trying to explain that the floor was wet in the bathroom. Well, what can you do? Best not to be embarrassed and just keep going. I don’t notice much ribbing of each other between kids about things that were embarrassing to me as a kid. It seems a little more forgiving of uncontrollable embarrassment though of course, I could be missing it due to the language barrier.
What is one new thing I’d like to try?
Is there anything? There are probably many things but there’s nothing much that I think I would go out of my way to try these days. If something came along then I’d try it. Am I running out of things to try? Is nothing exciting anymore?
I took this picture because this just came out of the blue as I came around a corner. It seemed to be by itself but behind the trees and up the hillside were more temple-type buildings.
My rats, my rats, my little gutter rats We ran together, we released the bats Our bondage brigade marched ever on We instinctively knew who was the clever one With cider right beside her bag of glue Hellzapoppin as all the young savages dü On mattress castles, the princess and the pee And stinking dogs shit wherever they be No glamour in this clamour drenched in sweat We know we grow to be the best ones yet D. cried about courage, and soon he was dead If the man doesn’t get you, he’s always in your head Nuclear ghosts haunted all our youth Marching in millions seeking some truth The sham in 69 was still in 79 too We loved in vain but knew that love was true And so those glories now dare not be repeated Angry eyes glared, “ever feel like you’ve been cheated?” That revolution sparked is now a faded glory Who now to stop the world with their own story?
People’s opinions are mainly designed to make them feel comfortable; truth, for most people is a secondary consideration.
Bertrand Russell
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful Amy got back to Sydney safely and is happily amongst her friends there again.
So here’s the last of my Dostoevsky cool quotes for now, this time from the fantastic The Dream of a Ridiculous Man. Despite being quite dark and moody I feel like my poems came out a little more on the positive side – perhaps a reflection on how I was feeling when I wrote the poems compared with when I was inspired by the quotes as I was reading the story.
Acknowledgement to Husker Du and Rob Crow/Heavy Vegetable for some relevant phrases and ideas and, as before, the poems borrow heavily from the text.
Ah, it’s so hard to be the only one to know the truth! But they won’t understand it. No, they won’t.
No Truth
Only I know the truth They sure won’t understand I carry this burden It is just as I planned Truth is in the saying The truth will set you free But I will never share The truth is just for me
Maybe it was the result of the conviction that dawned upon me quite independently of my will that nothing made any difference in this world.
Conviction
I tried and tried and tried and tried To make a difference before I died Close to the end a sudden dawning Independently and without warning Your time is pointless, meaning, none A pinprick in millions more to come So make the best and start believing Despite the sentence we’re all receiving
…eternally dear to the hearts of her most ungrateful children.
Realm
This earthly realm Where it all starts Never ending, eternally Dear to the hearts ….of her most ungrateful children
We can truly love only with suffering and through suffering. We don’t know how to love otherwise; we don’t know any other love. I want to suffer so that I may love.
Love and Suffering
I wanted it all, wanted it so badly Staring out of misted windows like a fool To love this love is to suffer it gladly Our twisted hearts make us look so cruel This love, true love, it knows no other way Crushed and broken hearts not spoken thereof Life lived without it, not for another day I must, I want to suffer so that I may love
My hatred for the people of our earth had always contained a feeling of despair – why couldn’t I hate them without loving them?
World of Masochism
My hatred for the people of our earth Has always contained a feeling of despair Why couldn’t I hate them without loving them? Why did I have to care? Some days I’m just in KEN Mode A rage of pure hate and seething Other days I wish for utopia A paradise full of our dreaming Which way will it go today? Which side of the bed did I wake? Every thought is masochism No matter which path I take
They grew to appreciate the beauty of untruth…the germ of the lie penetrated their hearts, and they took a fancy to it.
A Good Lie
Sometimes a lie is like a lover A beauty to be believed The untruth penetrates the heart Willingly deceived
…they experienced suffering, and came to love it; they declared that suffering was the only way to Truth. Then science spread among them.
To Suffer
He felt he’d suffered enough So the Buddhist jumped from the roof Science says ‘he’s dead’ He thought it the way to truth
Each became so jealous of his individuality that he had to do his best to belittle and humble the individuality of others….
Tall Poppy
You’ve reached the greatest height Like it’s some crowning achievement Society brings you down to earth Where everyone is in agreement
Voluntary slavery in which the weak submitted to the strong of their own free will, if only in order to gain their support to oppress those who were even weaker than themselves.
Shit Trickles Down
Submit to the strong by your own free will Eat the shit until you’ve had your fill So you may enslave those below you Pass on the shit your master throws you The human centipede, a fitting analogy A voluntary agreement to this economy A vicious circle made of 7 billion pieces The pyramid scheme of human faeces
We’re striving for the same things; we’re all, from the sage to the worst criminal, making our way toward the same objective. Only we’re trying to get there by different roads.
Different Roads
You take the high, I’ll take the low It’s the same whichever way you go You take the low, I’ll take the high Arriving together, just in time to die
Let’s say paradise will never come about! I know myself it won’t – yet I’ll still go on preaching.
Right Turn
Never stop believing Counter negative traits Never stop the search Paradise awaits It will never come In your lifetime’s fight You know what is right Be doing what is right
Afterword:
Man’s desires are not reasonable and often make him act against his own interest and common sense, but they are what makes him human.
Contradictions
I am respectable, yet not reasonable My flaws are the things that make me My desires maybe contradictions This human interest will not break me
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the daily struggle of thinking of something to write here, without repeating myself. During the day something will pop into my mind to write but when I sit down to do it I struggle to remember. As days are somewhat repetitive at the moment I keep coming up with the same ideas. So anyway, I am grateful that I have this first-world problem.
Tigger talking – announcing his arrival. Prince Tigger is here, I demand attention.
Light rain. Cap ran out to pee and back again.
Neck sore – stretched and worked. Tigger sprayed in my room – little bastard – why? Shove his nose in it?
Easy week again – all easy. Students present movie reviews. What if they didn’t prepare – of course, they didn’t prepare. They are lazy and unmotivated. How to motivate?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for all the planning I did earlier in the year so that I don’t have to work so hard on lesson planning now.
This lovely pup belongs to some workers at our school. He has a broken back and has to drag his back legs along the ground. He also can’t control his pee and poo. But he’s a happy dog still. The owner seemed to indicate it was himself who ran over the dog to cause its broken back, though we may have missed something in translation. Either way, he seems to be taking reasonable care of him now. His coat is clean and healthy at least.
I would still like to buy him some wheels though.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for these lovely plants in our teacher’s room. They give a great feeling of welcoming and sharing and comfort.
9th Aug 2022 – picture now lost to time (digital lack of care!)
Brain dump
Mid-June, mid-year already, all plans changed but life remains mostly the same. Hüsker Dü – I Will Never Forget You – I don’t know why. Why Hüsker Dü – why do I know all these obscure songs that no one is really interested in these days? Never mind – it’s my life.
Cooler days – wet days, rain. Sticky still – first mini exercise in days got blood flowing, heart rate up, under 80 kg. Can I stay? Get rid of belly fat – still too much. Get a belly like Bruno but that guy has so much nervous energy.
Yesterday was amusing. Life Of Brian reference into Life Of George. Critique of religion. Reluctant Messiah. What is the truth? Does it even matter? JFK. UFO. Three-letter acronyms describe our world. Stupid world? Maybe.
To-do list
Compliment – silent wishes – smile ½
Learn more Thai ✅
Time for zines after teaching? ✅
Exercise in the morning/meditate later ✅
Practice listening – show curiosity and interest ½
Another day, another 1000 baht. At school, I managed to finish reading one of my books, learn more Thai and felt pretty chilled. I was holding some tension though so that I couldn’t quite savour the moment. That’s ok though. Despite being chilled it was (or felt) productive.
I even managed to start and finish my mini-zine for Aing, just in time for her birthday. I’ll try and do Nu’s over the next day or two. Pretty happy that I was able to incorporate something more creative in my day today.
Also – I just remembered – near the end of the work day a couple of bits of news came through. First, one of my videos got lost in a hard drive crash and will have to be recorded again in the morning. Under difficult circumstances, this could have been a chance of causing a negative reaction for me but now it will at least make tomorrow a little more interesting.
After that, there was some online discussion about having to work six days a week – again, could have had the potential for a negative reaction, but I was so involved in my book and wanting to finish it that I didn’t let it distract or bother me. At the moment it’s just talk and things change so much from day to day that it’s not even worth thinking about anyway.
I am so happy and grateful for the food we are growing. It won’t feed us completely but it is great to be able to watch it grow and then eat the results.
I don’t have any dreams even if I did they wouldn’t come true.
I used to dream, make plans nothing worked out and I don’t believe anymore.
I won’t think about it anymore I won’t dream again.
There’s a vast difference between the habit of getting by, and the habit of getting better.
This switch from the old way was easy of course, because in the meantime I’d become an adult—I’m running a far more capable system, I just hadn’t thought to update the software.
-Raptitude newsletter
As I sit writing this at lunchtime, I am surrounded by 40 children in the classroom, running back and forth, banging tables, experimenting with musical instruments, attempting homework or chewing on sugary candies. Each shouting over each other to be heard, some making fun, some making fists, some making affections. Some dance, some pull faces, and some express themselves quietly in their own minds before releasing a newfound energy burst that no one cares to notice.
Why can’t I practice this now? Where did my time go? Why does the weight of responsibility bear down on me now? Why do we grow up and what does it mean?
There’s a balance to be found somewhere within your own personal timeline. Do not close the mind off, do not become the old fogey that doesn’t understand the kids today and complains that the music isn’t what it used to be. You’ve had your turn, so what are you going to do now?
You need to upgrade your software. The hardware will continue to fail at a more rapid rate and software is the only way to deal with this problem. Otherwise, you will become redundant and end up dusty on a garage shelf, waiting for recycling one day.
Forever entropy
I got by for a long time. Instead of doing proper software upgrades, I tinkered randomly and blindly with the code. I put them off for as long as possible in a vain effort to maintain an ideal of youth. But youth is clumsy, ugly, grasping for meaning in a darkened room, grasping for skin in a passion of tears.
The light at the end of the tunnel ever approaches – we know one day we will see the light. Let’s get better – this is no time to be getting by.
……and all he did was cry I looked him in the face, but I couldn’t see past his eyes Asked him what the problem was, he says “Here is your disguise”
Husker Du – Hardly Getting Over It
Gratitude Journal
I’m so happy and grateful that I am still alive today. Many of us didn’t make it this far.
To-do list
Meditate and remember Kimi ✅
Tidy up (and move?) room ✅
Write down list of passwords for Amy
Hang up the bells somewhere ✅
Many positive affirmations today ½
Today was a struggle. I knew Amy was right when she was telling me not to cancel my classes today but it still sucked. I have an empty space in my stomach, a constant hole, sickly and void.
Teaching did take my mind off things and I did feel more reasonable afterwards but when I tried to meditate I could not stop my mind from wandering, not even hearing the words of the meditation. I am not looking forward to school tomorrow though know that the distraction will be helpful.
This tragic event puts the stupidity of the schools into perspective. They are not worth my time bothering about.
I talked with Parthiban online and I will try to do more things with him in the future. He was very close with Kimi too and is in the same shock. I will also think about going to Kimi’s funeral and helping Asikin with anything that I can. I talked with Thiban about maybe finishing off any projects that Kimi was in the middle of.
All the things that I have been studying and learning have been thoroughly tested this weekend. I see my biggest issue is over emotional control and I think I will look for more ways to try and improve that. All these ideas have been useless if I can’t utilise them when the time comes
“How much more time, energy, and pure brainpower would you have available if you drastically cut your media consumption? How much more rested and present would you feel if you were no longer excited and outraged by every scandal, breaking story, and potential crisis (many of which never come to pass anyway)?”
Excerpt From “The Daily Stoic” by Ryan Holiday
This is something I’ve been conscious of for about ten years, since first reading an article about how ‘the news’ is not good for us. In my lifetime the news and its delivery have changed considerably. Someone who read newspapers or watched BBC 2 news analysis shows was deemed to be knowledgeable and worldly.
These days news is everywhere and very little of it is actually news. A couple of decades ago Jello Biafra urged us to ‘become the media’ and technology has now allowed us that opportunity but we, as humans, have subverted this idea to push along our personal agendas.
So, I turned off the news, anywhere it could be found. If there’s something I really need to know I will find out about it. 99.9% of everything else has no real consequence in my life. That gives me a lot of free time to appreciate all the good things in life. It brings me closer to those I should be loving.
Another fantastic slow news day!
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the sunrise each morning. With the temple as a pointer on the mountain, I can see how ancient man used this to measure time.
Our intentional, effortful activities have a powerful effect on how happy we are over and above the effects of our set points and the circumstances in which we find ourselves.
Sonya Lyubomirsky
To-do list
Finish gratitude letter for Maesara. ✅
Get some solid info from George about lesson plans. ½
Immigration, book shop, relax. ✅
More Coursera, transfer notes to book. ✅
Clean up cartoon drawing. ✅
Today was another easy day and I felt very happy with everything. I actually got a lot more done than I expected. I feel like things are coming together very well in my life. I feel fresher, livelier, motivated and committed.
I talked with George after work – a stimulating and positive conversation as usual. He thinks TLC will ask me to join CRPAO lesson planning before this semester ends which will be fine for me.
George has his way of dealing with ‘troublesome’ people at work that I really admire and something I could definitely learn and improve on in myself. It revolves around listening and thinking a lot more before speaking. My outspoken opinion on things seems to get me into trouble so I need to step back and think about the outcomes more.
Tomorrow I’ve had to suddenly rearrange my day so that I can renew my work permit. I dealt with this change of plan quite easily and shouldn’t cause any issues. Tonight I will savour my trip to Japan when I first met Limited Express (has gone?)
I am most proud of all the things I have done with tenzenmen – organising tours and shows are always a lot of fun. Challenging but fun. I am also proud of the time I had to deal with losing my job of eighteen years which set me on this new journey. I am also proud of the work I have been doing as a teacher – making a positive difference in the lives of some children. I am not yet fully proud of my son, though I feel it is coming. He shows flashes of inspiration that will one day all come together to make me proud.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I am able to use my native language skills and help other people to better understand. I sometimes still can’t believe that I am a teacher. I don’t feel any smarter than anyone else, even the kids I teach.
27th Dec 2022 – I started doing Laurie Santos’ online Happiness course (at Coursera I think it was) and these were my starting results. I’m not sure I went back to check after I finished the course. Either way, it was an interesting learning experience.
Accept that change is necessary, learn to accept whatever befalls you and remain cheerful in the face of great adversity. – a simple piety
piety – strong belief in a religion that is shown in the way someone lives. virtue – a good moral quality in a person, or the general quality of being morally good.
Every day I feel that I am developing inwardly. Why, then, should I be in despair?
Anne Frank
To-do list
Clean up the balloons ✅
Move the bricks and concrete base ✅
Continue Coursera study ✅
Next read-to-lead challenge ✅
Dream book questions ✅
Another satisfying day today and I feel like I have a lot of energy.
This morning I was taken aback a little when a girl student said I wasn’t good. She didn’t explain but I felt odd and wondered if someone else had been saying things about me. I tried to evaluate how rational my thinking was and decided to put it out of my mind. People may think but it’s not true.
Then, a little later, by coincidence, I came across a quote ‘You will become less concerned with what other people think of you when you realise how seldom they do.’ Tomorrow I will try to maintain this positive attitude by continued study and practising my character strengths.
I’m sitting here in a hot classroom with about thirty 10 and 11-year-olds dancing, screaming, shouting, crying, punching, singing, banging doors and hanging out windows. And this is on a good day.
But it is a good day. I am in the zone. I can hear and see the cacophony whirling around me, can feel the rush of air as little ghosts dash past. But I don’t notice it. Is this what a meditative state is like? I don’t know (yet).
I sat and listened to a meditation the other night. It had some special name and special components; it was interesting but made me very anxious. After relaxing into a quieter state you had to imagine yourself climbing a steep hill and huffing deeply, gasping for air. OK, I can imagine that. But this went on for what felt like 5 minutes. Huff huff. I wasn’t sure if I wasn’t getting too much air, or too little. Huff huff. I felt dizzy. Huff huff. Nauseous. Huff huff. Anxious. Huff huff. Muscles wound tight, I tensed my stomach, itched my arms and kicked my legs. Fuck this.
Of course, I understand the purpose and I’ll check this again – maybe in a morning before I’ve had any coffee. The feeling of reaching the top of a mountain after extreme exertion will always have a relaxing satisfaction. It’s a long journey. Next time.
I’m jealous of those who enjoy the benefits of meditation and it’s not that I don’t think I can do it. I fill my time with many things and meditation hasn’t found its way onto that list quite yet. Well, it is on the list, but never ticked.
Recently I have been able to tick a lot of things though and I’m quite proud of that. Everything around is about a challenge at the moment. A challenge of change. I’ve pondered if I’m having my mid-life crisis now. I think I had a minor one when I was about thirty but on reflection, it doesn’t seem like it was that critical. I want to get that long story written down one day, perhaps just so I can still remember it or enjoy it again when I’m going senile. Who knows when that will be?
If I can tick off some little challenges and form some good habits out of them I think they will prepare me for the bigger challenges that may be ahead. The unexpected challenges, the ones that you don’t realise are messing with your head and your happiness. I’m looking for better reactions and outcomes as I know I am sometimes my own worst enemy. I want to change.
I’m in a place right now that I consider a little precarious.
Moving from Australia to Thailand didn’t feel like much of a big deal and I have been particularly happy since making this move. No longer being in such a financial struggle has allowed lots of spare time to read, listen to music, write and learn more about myself. I have never needed to be surrounded by lots of people to maintain happiness and now I am far away from those that I have made friends with around the world. So, no big deal, I can make new friends here in Thailand.
But here’s the rub. I’m very conscious of some of the nefarious reasons that people come to live in Thailand, and how many Thais can exploit that. I didn’t come here to get sidetracked with other people’s ridiculous dramas. That rules out getting involved with the more visible of the English speakers where I am. Those people make themselves known.
I understand the comfort those people find drinking, gossiping and fornicating together. In a different time, I would’ve happily joined in. I don’t want to judge them too harshly. I just don’t want to be around them.
Now, myself not being the most outgoing person in the world, I am struggling a little bit because I would at least like the opportunity to make connections with more people. Not superficial acquaintances but connections like I have made in the past.
I can now look back at the feelings my ex from Japan had as she found it difficult to maintain friendships in Australia with her fellow countrymen as the nature of migration is most often temporary (not made easier by some countries’ inhospitable attitudes towards migrants).
Now I find myself with similar feelings.
I am attempting to connect as much as I can digitally and I am mostly happy in my little kingdom at home but outside those gates is starting to become a little scary and precarious. I feel like the rug could be pulled away at any time without any hope of control.
I started to think more about this because I set myself a challenge to talk to a stranger every day. That’s when I realised that I am the stranger now. Whilst I can communicate with a Thai person on a superficial level it can rarely go deeper, rarely connect.
Otherwise, I rarely see any other foreigners where there is an opportunity to talk but now it is in my mind. I tell the students here that they should run up to any foreigner they see and just start talking. Now, I have to tell myself to do that. It may be nothing…. No, it will never be nothing – there will always be something gathered from that challenge.
A friend may not be made; a connection may be forged; but a lesson will always be learned.
Now, I really should get back to studying some Thai.
Can you tell me What it is? Does it hurt you When I do this?
I love it, I hate it, I love it, I hate it too I love it, I hate it, I love it, so how about you?
Can you tell me? ‘Cause I don’t know Why don’t you tell me Why is it so Confusing?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I can think through things better than I could before. Even though I haven’t been severely tested yet, every little piece of learning is helping to prepare me for any difficult situations in the future.
I’m quite envious of my students sometimes when I watch them laughing and playing together. I can feel the joy and excitement – it shines through their skin. It takes me back to those utter joyful days of excitement and wonder. Nothing else mattered except the fun to be had.
It has just struck me that the event that changed me was when we were at school at night time, to perform a play. All the students were there and lots of parents too. I had such a feeling of joy and connection that I wanted to kiss everybody. I was the same age as the kids in my class now.
When I wanted to kiss boys, I was mercilessly ridiculed by some of the more sexually advanced kids and they then gossiped to other kids and I left that once joyful night totally humiliated. Hmm. That night played on my mind for a long time and is obviously still clear to me now. Fucking kids.
From commonplace book
From quiet homes and first beginning Out of the undiscovered ends There’s nothing worth the wear of winning Save laughter and the love of friends
Hilaire Belloe
To-do list
Start compiling exam questions ½
Check if emails can be compiled and printed ✅
Write more in school journal ✅
Can you find an opportunity to help someone
Keep practising – Think first, speak later
Strange day today. Only found out when I arrived that there was some event on all morning and there would be no lessons which meant changing my teaching plans somewhat. I really felt quite chill with everything today. Whilst others were complaining I thought it wasn’t useful. We always complain about the same things. We know they will happen again and again – so complaining isn’t going to change anything.
I sat in my classroom and did what I wanted all morning as I hadn’t been given any directive to be elsewhere. The lack of communication can work in my favour.
I compiled a bunch of outstanding emails and printed a bunch of things so I’m quite pleased with that. I started putting together the exam questions and have a few weeks left to complete all that.
I had lots of time as I also had no classes in the afternoon so I was able to read and write a lot. As I didn’t meet many adults today I didn’t really find an opportunity to help anyone. I would’ve liked to ask Kru Noon if she wanted me to do anything but I only saw her for about five minutes around lunchtime. I’ll keep in my mind that I should offer some help.
I spoke a bit more than necessary when I met some of the other teachers – must remember to keep some thoughts to myself. I didn’t overdo anything though. Just something to keep getting better at.
Tomorrow I will drive to Chiang Mai for my passport application. I challenge myself to drive more slowly – not over 100 km/h and to be more careful. I will go to Mohawk Bar in the evening and meet John Murrie – I’m interested in what he has to say about teaching and politics.
If I have time I will drop by International House and say hello. Also, if time and money permits I’d like to check out the bookshop that Oh recommended.
1994ever 