Baby, I love you, but I’m too loaded to love you properly – 10th May 1994

Things are still a blur to me now. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything for longer than a few minutes. It took me three sittings just to write one letter to old pal Joe in Boston. I started to write bits and pieces here and there too, at work and at home but I never seem to get stuck into it for long enough. I’m all tensed up right now and feel ready to explode.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s trip to Newport and Thursday’s day off work. We went window shopping for laptop computers and camcorders on the weekend which was fun, and round to Rosemary’s on Sunday afternoon and played with Jade, her beautiful granddaughter. ‘Come on’ she says and ‘wee wee’ quite a lot too. We watched her fall asleep as she ran and leapt and dozed in snores within seconds of being wide-eyed.

Kerry’s dad passed away on Saturday night but Kerry and mum seem to be coping okay so far – a relief in some ways after many weeks of suffering.

I’m a bit down really, fed up with work and biting back at my baby at home. I don’t feel much in control of myself sometimes. I know all this so why don’t I do something about it! Hmph. Did much more in these five days but am unable to continue right now. Bye bye.

I cannot say that I don’t like it – 24th January 1994

Bummed around the hollow house.  A box inside other boxes.

From that box to cardboard box packed up my belongings in anticipation of our move.  The anticipation has already brought beaming teethy smiles to our weekly work-worn faces.  Here starts the weekend of the rest of our life.  For some time, anyway.

Tripped the fantastic freeway, not before Bronwyn had seven panic attacks trapped by the constricts of time.  I strummed the guitar quietly but could not temper her whirlwind.  Arrived in Southampton exactly on time!

Had a little beer before hot-footing it to the bus stop.  Fifty-nine times I wanted to step off the bus to relieve myself behind some dirty shop, down some dangerous back alley.  Held off and dashed to the pub toilets.

Boogied away with friends and beers, laughed and laughed and laughed and wound up broke.

One food stop later and emotions were running high, much discussion that I no longer recall.  One taxi journey later and emotions ran high in our little friend Rob.  Beers turned to tears and with a little advice from my beautiful baby I shut the fuck up. The tears dried up with the beers and sleep met the agenda.

Up early to a dry ugly mouth, soon satisfied with cups of hot coffee waitered by Dave.  Johnny played DJ and we tapped our toes to Superchunk, Rocket from the Crypt and Leatherface.  Johnny found his air guitar and occasionally hit the right notes.

Broni, Rob and I discussed the booklet in more depth and things should be together soon.  Rob’s done an excellent job so far.

Much talk about Mr Cynical (now self-censored!) and going to London to check out the Natural History Museum and the Boredoms in Feb.

Put rubber to road and popped into Chrissy’s, dropping in a beautiful picture of her and Steve from Corfu.  Many children ran the house.  We all left – them to their Gran’s, us to our home and the quest for food!

Supposed to hit the flicks at four with smiling Kerry but plans changed and garlic bread and sparkling wine became more wanting.  Me and baby chatted for well over an hour in that dim dingy living room that we’ll be leaving behind.

Pete, Kathryn, Steve and Rebecca got sporting and went ice skating.  I got mushy and read Kerouac to my baby until she couldn’t concentrate on his meandering trails of sentences.  I felt romantic and poetic as I hope the prose relays.

The guys came back from their adventures – Steve and Pete both claiming to be ‘the best!’  I hit the great outdoors and run the grimy streets for Haagen-Daaz – well worth the effort – many thoughts came to me and boy, am I glad to be alive (with the intention of living life to the full).  Rob lent us a CD of Phillip Glass with Allen Ginsberg readings – it’s beautiful.  Another one with a way with words.  I love all that poetic stuff and I love that about me.

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*Records of the Year – 31st December 1985

1980:
Damned – Machine Gun Etiquette
Dead Kennedys – Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables

1981:
Restricted Code – First Night On
Nine Below Zero – Three Times Enough
Dead Kennedy’s – Too Drunk To Fuck
Crass – Penis Envy

1982:
Black Flag – Damaged

1983:
Social Distortion – Mommy’s Little Monster
Minor Threat – Out Of Step

1984:
Husker Du – Diane
DOA – Bloodied But Unbowed
Anti-Sect – In Darkness There Is No Choice
Subhumans – Cradle To The Grave
Black Flag – My War
UK Decay – Werewolf
Cult Maniax – Cold Love
Black Flag – Slip It In
Black Flag – Family Man
Subhumans – Rats
Wasted Youth – Wild and Wandering

Phone Numbers:
Paul Chambers
Andy Anderson
Justin Butler
Simon Bradbury
Dave Brown
Alan (Josh and John)

*The Week That Was – 22nd April 1985

Record of the week: Husker Du – Anything

22nd April 1985
Everyone likes Husker Du – Yeah!

23rd April 1985
Some of my money went missing. I reckon it was Miller myself but I can’t prove it. Me, Big Crabb, Lee, Little Crabb and Ben had a fire – others at ice skating.

24th April 1985
Did not go to Youth Club.

25th April 1985
Mum reckons I might get the sack.

26th April 1985
Crabby bought computer round. Me and Lee got very merry.

27th April 1985
Been sacked – but got job back. He’s sacking Neil instead. Celebrated employment. Muz was seriously pissed. He’d been to a wedding.

28th April 1985
Went up Crabby’s to play computer.

*The Week That Was – 15th April 1985

Record of the week: Husker Du – anything, King Kurt – Destination Zululand, The Clash – Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

15th April 1985
Started working down hotel this week.

19th April 1985
Got Stone’s Mac and small bottle of whiskey. Had a great fuckin’ piss up. Emma came and got sick as a rat. Don’t remember much else.

20th April 1985
Crabby took computer down Murray’s. Everyone came in. Crabby got some drink, but wasn’t enough so got some more. Got half ratted again.

21st April 1985
Reoccurring Dreams is a great party record. Finished off bottles of whiskey. Only just though.