Somewhere deep down The solar plexus? Requires time and space Do nothing See the clouds wander But don’t look The passing river Thoughts in motion You don’t have to do But do nothing else Dare to be bored Remember that
Learn to accept your mediocrity.
Jerry Seinfeld
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to the happy friendly kids who all want to talk to me at school. They fill me full of joy.
Excellent fun with my class this morning. Most students seem to understand what I expect from them and we are all getting more comfortable with each other.
This afternoon Champ and I start our first class with the TED-Ed students. I think all the grade 11 students will be OK but I’m not sure about my grade 8 students. I hope that they feel inspired enough.
No time to think this morning but whenever I’m away from a pen and paper I have lots of thoughts I would hope to put down and many of them disappear, for a while or maybe forever.
The slight anxiety I had yesterday went in the afternoon as no one mentioned anything to me about not being around in the morning and I even got an apology for the short and indirect notice I received to teach. So, I worried about nothing – or people may be talking bad things about me that I don’t hear and I can’t control that and don’t need to worry about it either.
I’m noticing I’m starting to feel the wind down into the April holiday already, even though I’ve made myself busier than ever. I’d love to keep on teaching these students but also happy to leave it all behind.
I am so happy and grateful that I got up early and decided to go for a ride. Despite bad sunburn, I went to some amazing places and saw so many beautiful things that filled me with such joy. So happy!
To-do list
Get up early and go! ✅
Get some more June blog posts prepared
More reading
Try the long meditation again
Jigsaw and Inner Engineering½
The get-up-and-go went exactly to plan and I was hoping that I would get back before it got too hot. Unfortunately, I didn’t get back until around 4pm and am burnt crispy, suffering burning pains on my arms and knees. The ride was incredible though.
My thoughts were filled with joy and I was savouring the moment so strongly I thought I might cry. I smiled and laughed at everyone I saw as I ran out of sealed roads and discovered many 10-house hill tribe villages as I went higher and higher. I joked with myself that I got tired of seeing so much beauty.
I’m so happy to have done this ride today. Tomorrow I hope I’m not in too much pain!
I am so happy and grateful to Said for loaning me 100 baht so I could buy coffee.
It is a joy to be hidden…..but disaster not to be found.
DW Winnicott
To-do list
More exam preparation ✅
Typhoon game for revision
Review each hour at night
Think before speaking – do not complain ½
No Facebook at work ✅
Spent free time at work today finishing the final exam questions. That’s me prepared until the end of April.
I challenged myself today with the question – ‘what can you do to surprise your partner?’ After a little thought I realised I should book somewhere nice for us to go for our tenth wedding anniversary. I’m really happy with myself about that. It will be a fantastic time.
My challenge for each hour of today: 6am – stretch, meditate, shower, eat, five points challenge 7am – drove to work, prepared extra worksheets 8am – got coffee and did some reading from Daily Stoic* 9am – worked more on the IEC exam, went to pee many times 10am – continued on exams and got another coffee 11am – finished exam paper and printed, messaged Jim and dropped off 12pm – ate lunch and read some more Daily Stoic 1pm – watched Coursera videos and failed the quiz 2pm – fixed set up in library just in time for the only lesson of the day 3pm – rushed through the lesson, Jim returned exams for updates 4pm – fixed exam papers and dropped off again, drove home 5pm – finished reading A Chinese Life 6pm – watched some TV, and looked at Facebook for the first time 7pm – ate dinner and discussed holiday plans with Amy 8pm – here in bed, writing this and will read next
*What do you remember reading from Daily Stoic today? If you can’t remember then I think I didn’t really take in what I was reading.
I’m sitting here in a hot classroom with about thirty 10 and 11-year-olds dancing, screaming, shouting, crying, punching, singing, banging doors and hanging out windows. And this is on a good day.
But it is a good day. I am in the zone. I can hear and see the cacophony whirling around me, can feel the rush of air as little ghosts dash past. But I don’t notice it. Is this what a meditative state is like? I don’t know (yet).
I sat and listened to a meditation the other night. It had some special name and special components; it was interesting but made me very anxious. After relaxing into a quieter state you had to imagine yourself climbing a steep hill and huffing deeply, gasping for air. OK, I can imagine that. But this went on for what felt like 5 minutes. Huff huff. I wasn’t sure if I wasn’t getting too much air, or too little. Huff huff. I felt dizzy. Huff huff. Nauseous. Huff huff. Anxious. Huff huff. Muscles wound tight, I tensed my stomach, itched my arms and kicked my legs. Fuck this.
Of course, I understand the purpose and I’ll check this again – maybe in a morning before I’ve had any coffee. The feeling of reaching the top of a mountain after extreme exertion will always have a relaxing satisfaction. It’s a long journey. Next time.
I’m jealous of those who enjoy the benefits of meditation and it’s not that I don’t think I can do it. I fill my time with many things and meditation hasn’t found its way onto that list quite yet. Well, it is on the list, but never ticked.
Recently I have been able to tick a lot of things though and I’m quite proud of that. Everything around is about a challenge at the moment. A challenge of change. I’ve pondered if I’m having my mid-life crisis now. I think I had a minor one when I was about thirty but on reflection, it doesn’t seem like it was that critical. I want to get that long story written down one day, perhaps just so I can still remember it or enjoy it again when I’m going senile. Who knows when that will be?
If I can tick off some little challenges and form some good habits out of them I think they will prepare me for the bigger challenges that may be ahead. The unexpected challenges, the ones that you don’t realise are messing with your head and your happiness. I’m looking for better reactions and outcomes as I know I am sometimes my own worst enemy. I want to change.
I’m in a place right now that I consider a little precarious.
Moving from Australia to Thailand didn’t feel like much of a big deal and I have been particularly happy since making this move. No longer being in such a financial struggle has allowed lots of spare time to read, listen to music, write and learn more about myself. I have never needed to be surrounded by lots of people to maintain happiness and now I am far away from those that I have made friends with around the world. So, no big deal, I can make new friends here in Thailand.
But here’s the rub. I’m very conscious of some of the nefarious reasons that people come to live in Thailand, and how many Thais can exploit that. I didn’t come here to get sidetracked with other people’s ridiculous dramas. That rules out getting involved with the more visible of the English speakers where I am. Those people make themselves known.
I understand the comfort those people find drinking, gossiping and fornicating together. In a different time, I would’ve happily joined in. I don’t want to judge them too harshly. I just don’t want to be around them.
Now, myself not being the most outgoing person in the world, I am struggling a little bit because I would at least like the opportunity to make connections with more people. Not superficial acquaintances but connections like I have made in the past.
I can now look back at the feelings my ex from Japan had as she found it difficult to maintain friendships in Australia with her fellow countrymen as the nature of migration is most often temporary (not made easier by some countries’ inhospitable attitudes towards migrants).
Now I find myself with similar feelings.
I am attempting to connect as much as I can digitally and I am mostly happy in my little kingdom at home but outside those gates is starting to become a little scary and precarious. I feel like the rug could be pulled away at any time without any hope of control.
I started to think more about this because I set myself a challenge to talk to a stranger every day. That’s when I realised that I am the stranger now. Whilst I can communicate with a Thai person on a superficial level it can rarely go deeper, rarely connect.
Otherwise, I rarely see any other foreigners where there is an opportunity to talk but now it is in my mind. I tell the students here that they should run up to any foreigner they see and just start talking. Now, I have to tell myself to do that. It may be nothing…. No, it will never be nothing – there will always be something gathered from that challenge.
A friend may not be made; a connection may be forged; but a lesson will always be learned.
Now, I really should get back to studying some Thai.
Can you tell me What it is? Does it hurt you When I do this?
I love it, I hate it, I love it, I hate it too I love it, I hate it, I love it, so how about you?
Can you tell me? ‘Cause I don’t know Why don’t you tell me Why is it so Confusing?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I can think through things better than I could before. Even though I haven’t been severely tested yet, every little piece of learning is helping to prepare me for any difficult situations in the future.
I’m quite envious of my students sometimes when I watch them laughing and playing together. I can feel the joy and excitement – it shines through their skin. It takes me back to those utter joyful days of excitement and wonder. Nothing else mattered except the fun to be had.
It has just struck me that the event that changed me was when we were at school at night time, to perform a play. All the students were there and lots of parents too. I had such a feeling of joy and connection that I wanted to kiss everybody. I was the same age as the kids in my class now.
When I wanted to kiss boys, I was mercilessly ridiculed by some of the more sexually advanced kids and they then gossiped to other kids and I left that once joyful night totally humiliated. Hmm. That night played on my mind for a long time and is obviously still clear to me now. Fucking kids.
From commonplace book
From quiet homes and first beginning Out of the undiscovered ends There’s nothing worth the wear of winning Save laughter and the love of friends
Hilaire Belloe
To-do list
Start compiling exam questions ½
Check if emails can be compiled and printed ✅
Write more in school journal ✅
Can you find an opportunity to help someone
Keep practising – Think first, speak later
Strange day today. Only found out when I arrived that there was some event on all morning and there would be no lessons which meant changing my teaching plans somewhat. I really felt quite chill with everything today. Whilst others were complaining I thought it wasn’t useful. We always complain about the same things. We know they will happen again and again – so complaining isn’t going to change anything.
I sat in my classroom and did what I wanted all morning as I hadn’t been given any directive to be elsewhere. The lack of communication can work in my favour.
I compiled a bunch of outstanding emails and printed a bunch of things so I’m quite pleased with that. I started putting together the exam questions and have a few weeks left to complete all that.
I had lots of time as I also had no classes in the afternoon so I was able to read and write a lot. As I didn’t meet many adults today I didn’t really find an opportunity to help anyone. I would’ve liked to ask Kru Noon if she wanted me to do anything but I only saw her for about five minutes around lunchtime. I’ll keep in my mind that I should offer some help.
I spoke a bit more than necessary when I met some of the other teachers – must remember to keep some thoughts to myself. I didn’t overdo anything though. Just something to keep getting better at.
Tomorrow I will drive to Chiang Mai for my passport application. I challenge myself to drive more slowly – not over 100 km/h and to be more careful. I will go to Mohawk Bar in the evening and meet John Murrie – I’m interested in what he has to say about teaching and politics.
If I have time I will drop by International House and say hello. Also, if time and money permits I’d like to check out the bookshop that Oh recommended.
8pm – bar open, melbourne – with the stabs, twitch of the death nerve and vincent over the sink
everyone stirs themselves slowly and we sort ourselves out with coffee and bread before loading gear out to the car and taking the quick trip to bar open. we’re all a little bit disorgansed and not sure how to arrange tonight’s show – finally we agree to set gold coin donation as entry.
there’s people milling about everywhere and suddenly show time arrives starting with vincent over the sink – these guys are so quirkily cool – their tunes are simple, arrangements odd and style bizarre and uncomfortable – just what interests me in a band. i’m so happy that they had this opportunity to play to a bunch more people than they might usually do and nao-san has tweaked a perfect sound for them.
twitch of the death nerve and the room is getting packed with just a little space in front of stage which singer dan soon takes the opportunity to stomp around. twitch are awesome in their complex and dynamic structure and dan is more than just a capable frontman – he has a great voice too. things get a little bizarre mid way through the set as dan covers himself in tomato ketchup and mayonnaise and then continues to throw himself around the room – crashing into me one time, i give him a big shove which splatters him across the floor but he gets up without missing a beat and continues on his merry way. needless to say the crowd loved the craziness.
next the stabs performed their fucked up aural sonic bliss – they take some standard rock elements and pound them out and the crowd appreciated it greatly. i was kinda distracted trying to organise everything during the stabs set though – hopefully they’ll make it up to sydney one day and i can get a proper dose.
bar open is now packed to the gills and there is anticipation in the air. after a nice introduction from mark (who really does believe limited express (has gone?) are the greatest band in the world!) they unusually kick off the set with tiger rock and we’re treated to yukari bouncing around the stage and floor space and some almost silent subtlety during the bridge section with breathy whispers of tiger rock (supposedly a dedication to yukari’s favourite baseball team).
yukari straps the bass on and here comes special show time in full force with the beginning refrain of aloha! i skip this song on the cd having heard it so many times but there’s something new and fresh about it every time they play it live because the band and audience both respond with big smiles and big bounces and everyone is caught up in the moment – from here on out the audience is captivated – totally sucked in to the experience!
the band are happy enough to play in front of just a few people but when they have the attention of a couple of hundred people up close and personal they turn into pure magic. i’m anticipating jinichiro craziness during stop>go and beckon him into the crowd and he willingly obliges and i soon get the message he wants to go upwards so i squat down and slowly lift jj up on my shoulders, i do my best to stagger and sway to the rhythm! i get a tap on the head and lower jj down and he hops off perfectly in time with the next section of the song. when the song finishes i remind jinichiro that i’m an old man!
the rest of the set maintains the high level of excitement – peaking for me with the new song (possibly titled “ichi ni san shi…”) which is rivetting in it’s typical limited express (has gone?) madness – i’m in heaven right here! talk to me, all right closes out the set with jinichiro throwing his guitar to the audience and performing his almost trademark windmill jump (it’s not like townsend, believe me!). soon the chant of ‘we want more’ is raised and limited express (has gone?) are happy to oblige for a bassless version of mophin’ fellet before finishing off band like with an ass kicking run through free style ridin’ – yukari overcome with emotions and happiness runs up to koji behind the kit and falls forward with her bass flailing and the drum are rendered unusable – this is the end – yukari, not sure what’s going on, goes off to the side and curls into a ball before being beckoned back to the stage for a final bow!
everyone is happy, the room is full of joy. my god – that was special show time all right!
it’s a couple of hours before we manage to get out – the merchandise has halved already – after two days! jj calls japan later to get more sent out! everyone is energised and it takes me an hour or so to count out all the donation coins while the others load out and make a trip back to mark’s with equipment before coming back for us.
i was astounded to find over 500 bucks in donations including a couple of 20 dollar notes! this meant we could pay the support bands a hundred bucks or more! (twitch of the death nerve donating all their share to limited express (has gone?)!)
we find some twitch friends outside trying to get their car started – we can’t help them but as we’re driving away dan appears and races up to the car, dives through the front window and shouts ‘aaallllooohhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ much to the amusement of us all!
when we get home mark teaches jj some classical spanish guitar – it’s great to watch mark showing jinichiro the song and see him struggle to play it (it’s pretty complex)! i give in to weariness and fall asleep happy and smiling.
frequency lab with grey daturas, hit the jackpot, vincent over the sink
waiting waiting waiting at the airport – finally a customs guy finds us and wants to know why jj, yukari and koji have equipment with them – i just tell him they were recording before and have come back to sydney for one night before flying back to japan.
eventually limited express (has gone?) come out and we sheepishly load up the car and drive into the city to frequency lab.
we take everything up and vincent over the sink start pretty soon after – these two guys are great but we only get to check out a couple of songs before hunger calls.
we make it back to see hit the jackpot who are another wonderfully simple band – playing with a complete disregard to anything at all – they’re cool! i’m running around wondering if everything will be ok as the place fills – it looks to me as though the equipment is ropey and the drumkit will fall apart but it’s all there is…grey daturas manage to crank everything up a notch and chris on sound manages pretty well with the noise.
the place is packed now and no one else should be allowed in but it seems the place is getting more and more full as people squash right up to the microphones. a 10 second soundcheck and limited express (has gone?) special show time begins once again with ‘free style riding’ and ‘aloha!’
the grins are wide on everyone around and people are climbing over each other to get a view. the enthusiasm is running both ways as the band crank up the tempo, heat and intensity. jj makes his way into the audience during stop-go and yukari during tiger rock.
limited express (has gone?) finish special show time with another crazy run through ‘talk to me, all right’ and a ripping version of spy which disintegrates into a squall of noise before a jj jump to full stop.
the audience won’t let them go though and beg for more so get treated to a beautiful rendition of ‘drawtoborn’ and another quick run through ‘free style riding’ after which jj and yukari get carried through the crowd to rapturous applause.
everyone is happy! everything is good! limited express (has gone!).
jj – “thank you sydney audience! thank you punk rock! we are rock and roll! certainly we will come here again” yukari – “it is no problem, language or different country, music is great!” koji – “tonight we rose to the occasion and the last show of the tour was a great show”
builders arms with grey daturas, young prfessionals, bug girl
we get very little sleep as we have to get up early to make an apperance on the japanese program on 3zzz – the host koji being a recent convert to the wonders of the special show time – the band feel very comfortable being able to talk in japanese and all goes well with many laughs.
we split up later as jj and koji go to the city to buy some bits and pieces and yukari heads up to 3cr for a radio interview on the ‘girl’ show (sorry – forgot the name of the show) with another recent convert, larissa. yukari gets to introduce limited express (has gone?) and her other band ni hao! to the listeners and does well for a solo interview in English.
we all converge back at robert’s place and fall asleep for a few hours.
we make our way to the builders arms around 7pm and pretty soon bug girl are up the front bashing out some nifty rock – the small room makes for a nice atmosphere and i have a good feeling about the show tonight (as each band plays the room fills more and more).
next is young professionals who were fantastically amateurish and entertained us all no end – my kind of music!
grey daturas crank the volume with some huge slabs of noise and big pounding beats and most everyone has their fingers in their ears but enjoying it nonetheless.
the room packs full as limited express (has gone?) set up and with a gambatte, break into a familiar start of ‘free style riding’ and ‘aloha’ which has the audience boogying with big smiles. tonight is the culmination of an exciting few days and the band excel themselves (yet again!) with a lot of guitars held high, jazzy craziness and bouncing bass players (‘4-7-3-5-8-1-0-tiger rock!’ (or something!).
the crowd refuse to let them leave after ‘talk to me, all right’ and they rip through one of their high energy, high intensity tracks from the new album with such a ferocity it’s impossible not to just laugh at the absurdity of the amount of pleasure that is being connected and interlinked between everyone in the room. even the landlady and door guy come back with favourable comments and surprise at the size of the crowd for a sunday show.
limited express (has gone?) conquered all tonight and the merchandise box is favourably lighter for the trip to new zealand. we make lots of new friends and contacts yet koji can’t overcome his shyness around pretty girls! packed up and home – the excitement keeps us up until 2am despite having to get up again at 6.30am.
yukari – “i promised myself i will come back to melbourne because so many people enjoyed with us – that was my pleasure too” koji – “i was happy for many people coming and i could do my best. i appreciate melbourne people” jj – “thank you melbourne! thank you melbourne’s punk rock! we are rock and roll!”
This week has been fantastic. I’m so in love with life. I found a couple of Steve’s letters – one about Fuck Around and one about the time he and the guys all came down from Southampton. In that one, he says something like – all these experiences waiting to be had, all these people waiting to be met. He also says he is fed up with cynicism. Exactly how I feel too.
In these two short letters, he opened up to me more than anyone, he even thanks me for being there for him to write to. He was very honest and that earned him my respect.
I’ve not heard from Fatty since our move and I’m not inclined to get in touch with him. I don’t know exactly where he lives or his new phone number. Rob thought he might get in touch about the disco tonight but I can’t really see it! I wouldn’t mind taking him to Southampton but I don’t want to come under the effect of his black outlooks. Maybe he’s changed but I think he may be upset with me and doesn’t want to get in touch. He doesn’t want to sort things out and be my friend. Ha! It makes me wonder why he would think that I’d think he was my best friend?
While he stands still I want to move forward and I’m sorry if that means leaving you behind. Take care mate, whatever you’re doing.
Sat here listening to Cardiacs and my life seems so full of joy! Can’t wait for more.
1994ever 