The very essence of my soul betrayed No knowledge may heal the wound I made In this fog, there is nowhere to be or go I just can’t forgive myself I’m afraid
Misery and self-loathing bedevil my days A madness of the impossible Derrida says The radical act of self-forgiveness so Absolve yourself, you must find the ways
Inspired (and butchered) by a reply to a letter to Nick Cave at The Red Hand Files newsletter and submitted to Thursday Inspiration #246
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that our cats seem to have recovered. Cap from a bad stomach and Kim from wounds after a big fight with Tigger. Tigger has been very well recently though his fur is starting to make him look old.
I was planning to do some preparation and reading and writing this afternoon but Fui brought his teenage son and daughter to House and I ended up talking with all of them for most of the time! Fui’s kids study in Singapore, and have done for many years. I’m not sure why and didn’t ask, but it’s interesting to get their perspective on things especially as English has become their first language.
My one class this morning was with 2/11 and it went well. I got them more involved by helping me to learn the Thai words for all the English vocabulary that I wanted them to remember. So, I’m feeling good.
A rest day from the abs workout. I can feel that there is less fat on my chest and my ribs are becoming more visible. I like this healthier me. As with anything, I should’ve started sooner. I’m still thinking about that time of brushing off Rupert when he started lifting weights at school. I was all about smoking and drinking. I was lucky that my metabolism sustained my skinny body into my late 30s and only the beer started sticking on my hips.
OK – back to it. More free time tomorrow afternoon to finish off this preparation.
Seeking connections far outside of town Wanting a verb but always finding a noun A big nose, a smile upside down Heavy lies the head that wears the clown
Trying to float yet about to drown These waters swam are turning brown This king is in a state of constant frown Heavy lies the head that wears the crown
Inspired by a misspelling on an online post
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be able to sit in my hammock this morning and finish reading the Rolling Stones biography. It’s a nice and cool temperature as Tangmo and Kim Chi chased each other and sniffed around. Days are good.
Dragged myself up out of bed this morning as I was up later than usual last night, reading, trying to finish Cosey Fanny Tutti’s Art Sex Music – almost made it.
Utopia is closed at the moment due to one of the staff members catching Covid. It seems the main outbreak around here was from a Halloween event at a place called Retro Bar. Not sure where that is, somewhere on the university side of the highway.
Although we didn’t know it at the time, Aing was there too and I’d been trying to arrange meeting her as she was only here for three days. One evening, she messaged us that she was at Hope Bar, two houses away from us, but Amy and I were already in bed, old folks that we are these days. It was 9pm. So, as it turned out, it was good that we didn’t get a chance to meet this time.
So, with Utopia being closed, I had to do without my regular morning coffees and chose to read the Rolling Stones bio in my hammock, buffeted by a cool, almost cold, breeze and I did that for an hour or so until finishing the book. Hooray. The Slash bio next, as I continue on with the rock bio books on weekends.
Despite running around shopping, dropping off cakes and picking up coffees in the city, the day feels relaxed and stress-free despite all the potential for anxieties. My attitude is good, my head is in a good space and I’m chilling to new music and staring in wonder at my bookshelves, contemplating what to read next.
I’ve had a long shower And I’m snuggled up with a book I can hear strange noises outside But can’t be bothered to look
I’m about to fall asleep The room is dark and black That’s when the screaming starts And when I know she’s back
She turns on all the lights And dances around the room Jumping up onto the bed I hope she finishes soon
She makes me laugh and makes me mad I’ll always love her to bits But right now I need to sleep And she’s really giving me the shits
Amy has turned much of our garden into a cactus oasis, not helped much by the long rainy season this year though. It was today I noticed that this delicate cactus was being held up by this tall ants nest, originally a stick in the ground. Ants will rule the world. They are also back in our kitchen building a small nest by the back door again.
Our neighbour’s dog, Tangmo, always enjoys coming to play but tends to go a bit nuts when he sees Kim Chi, who is usually behind a screen door inside her room. Today though, we’d just let her out when he decided to come visit and after a bit of chasing around the situation above occurred.
We worry that Tangmo could easily bite Kim Chi badly as he’s so much bigger and his barking and jumping around make her scared but usually, Kim will be the one chasing him away. Don’t fuck with our cats. Tangmo just seems to want to play but isn’t quite sure of the correct cat etiquette.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for LungChom and their delicious ice cream that I ate two bowls of last night in a state of overindulgence.
Feel good today after forcing myself to do my minimal daily exercise on the weekend (this morning is rest day so I did yoga instead). I also ate two bowls of ice cream last night – which were freaking delicious but perhaps a bit too much!
Oh stayed over last night, though I was in bed by then and didn’t see her this morning either. Amy is giving her a bread-baking tutorial. Amy also did a pre-order for her cinnamon buns and got inundated with requests, so much that she will be baking for three days instead of the planned one.
I listened to day 3 of the gratitude course this morning, which gave me two very important reminders. ‘I dismiss any thoughts that entertain feelings of comparison’ and ‘I embrace my journey because it is uniquely designed just for me.’ I think these constant habits of mine are slowly having the desired positive effect, though I am not particularly challenged these days, or at least I feel as if I’m not, which could also be because of these habits.
The semester is winding down now and I’m feeling pretty relaxed. I hope that students return next semester, as I don’t have anything else planned if we continue online and I also want to start my experiment with 2/9.
Last week I was getting a bit frustrated with my guitar playing but yesterday I got back into the flow, teaching me that it’s ok to relax, take a break if necessary and try again at another time. But it is not acceptable to give up.
I’m also working up the free time and courage to get back into learning the keyboard and music software and thinking about making songs again. I know I can do it but I’m also aware of what a time sink it will be.
Amy is still constantly frustrated with the situation in Thailand and I have to try and deflect or point out our positives so that it doesn’t get her too depressed. I am attempting to deal with the situation here stoically and I am happy to tell Amy that I am ok living anywhere in the world with her.
When she’s drunk, she will chide me with ‘you love it here, you can stay’ and whilst I wouldn’t say I love it here anymore than anywhere else, I am happily aware of how easy my life is compared to the UK and Australia. Even so, I will give it up if it makes Amy happier with herself and her situation.
There’s comfort in repetition There’s comfort in repetition There’s comfort in repetition Never making a decision
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to find the rope for Tangmo to play with again. Hidden in the grass. I found it when I went to find Kim Chi who had jumped over the fence to play with the cow. The cow chased her back and she appeared on top of the hedge when I called her.
I woke up well but things took a turn The fruit was off and the toast did burn Driving in the rain was such a chore The podcaster talking was just a bore The thought of coffee didn’t improve This bad mood I was needing to soothe The big truck guy wouldn’t let me through Things were getting worse – it’s true Today’s headaches won’t let me be But at least the dog was happy to see me ….. So, coffee consumed, helped a bit Things weren’t so bad, I had to admit Just plough on through, get on with it Even if everything returns to shit
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to play with Kim Chi this morning (and this weekend). She loves to rub her nose on my fingers and my own nose and purrs in happiness.
Almost missed writing this today as I spent my time adding posts to my blog when I was free.
The morning started off a bit down and a couple of very minor incidents almost brought me to the idea of having a shitty day but I realise this and kinda talked myself out of it and now the day has disappeared.
I’m once again grateful to my students in 2/9, whom I teach in the mornings, and who always seem to pick me up. I’m also really enjoying reading my books. I can get totally absorbed in them.
I did forget to call Hayden today, though, perhaps when I get home or tomorrow. I subscribed to Ryan Holiday’s dad emails in the hope of some inspiration for me to inspire him!
Wound tight and stomach knotted Endless thoughts, head is reeling Darker schemes are being plotted No single road seems appealing
A roundabout, eyes are blurring Sleep offers no more respite Each waking moment reoccuring A falling dream from a great height
A catch-22, a spinning top Dante’s rings, ever decreasing A perpetuum mobile, never stop Piled on top and never ceasing
8th August 2021 – I stuck this poem into an AI story generator and it came back with this:
A cloud of gas, an oil well, and then one day, well no, I’m not going to say it again I can’ I can’t wait to share some music with you guys. I’m still working on it, – the best soundtrack I’ve ever heard. That’s it, folks, that’s the end of this sentence, no? Okay, here’s a short one: I think I might have died. Maybe. When I did, my body was on . … I guess that is a word. – no. Okay. You know what? That is it for this one; I’ll give you a minute. Sorry. How many minutes, anyway? I don’t know, maybe two. What was the last song that you listened to ? … You might notice that in all this time no one has been to my room. No one’s been in my bed. So far, the only person I have had to talk to is you. Sorry, sorry, this is going a bit fast, okay?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that Utopia is ok to give me credit until next week as I haven’t been paid yet. It’s a very slightly guilty coffee.
Here’s the weekend again. Grabbed coffee, read about the Beatles, filled my bike tyres and got 20 baht of petrol because that’s all the cash I had. Came home and Amy had washed the car and asked me to wash the bike, which I did as Tangmo watched on.
After I had finished and come inside I heard Amy scream that Tangmo had got through the screen door and was walking around in Kim’s room. When I came out Kim didn’t seem much to care and I got Tangmo out and fixed the door.
After a shower, I went back in to see Kim and to make Tangmo watch that he has to accept Kim and that we can be with her without him barking and pushing at the door. Tangmo wasn’t ready for this lesson though and pushed the doors again and barked more. Kim got angry this time and scratched me and attacked him. Eventually, I had to kick Tangmo in the head to get him out. He was very upset and ran off sulking! Kim is the priority though. And making sure the door doesn’t get fully broken. Tangmo will probably sneak back in quietly later. I’ll give him a pat then.
Now listening to the Beatles CDs I have, which still don’t really interest me musically. Still trying to finish off all my DVD burns; will get there eventually.
For what has been a fairly quiet morning I’ve done quite a lot. Not much of interest though. These are what days are I suppose.
Since Kim came back from the vet she has been fairly content to be stuck in her one-room paradise. The room is bigger than my own! We take her out on a leash each day but she doesn’t like it and just sits sniffing the air. She is getting more keen to dash out whenever we open the sliding screen door and occasionally I will let her roam close by and try not to let her run off.
This time I failed! She quickly jumped up the wall and onto the roof for a look around the trees, where she used to pull little birds out of their nests. I ran around the other side to the step ladder and poked my head up. Luckily she was curious enough to see my head in such an odd place and crept out from the cover of the leaves (can’t really camouflage orange!) and came to investigate whereupon I quickly scooped her up and back into the safety of her room.
It’s sad that she can’t be allowed outside but as she is still a rebellious fighting teenager cat we can’t risk her hurting herself with her weak and compromised body. We are trying a special medicine that has helped some cats fight back against leukaemia but there’s no real guarantee that it will work.
And as always, we get all 3 cats home for a few weeks before another gets sick and has to go and stay with the vet for a while. This time it’s Tigger, who has suffered kidney problems over the last few years. He was looking uncomfortable and stopped eating and the vet found he had high counts of something or other in his blood. He’s on a saline drip until that stabilises again.
We do love our cats.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be able to sit in our dining room and over the last three years watch our trees grow higher and higher. It’s the slow passing of time compared to the feeling of time accelerating.
Dull day, inexplainable, darkened skies Greying mind, inexplicable meaningless whys Each day, unknowable, a morning shine Bright mind, lovable, this day divine
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to work out and meditate in Kim’s room and be distracted by her running around like crazy. She makes me smile and distracts me from my own problems.
Just wear the goddamn mask Is that too much for me to ask You got the vaccine, lucky you Show some respect for others too The situation is far from vague So I must avoid you, like the plague
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that we can afford to furnish our spare room so that Kim Chi has space to be her own. If we faced the same situation in our old house in Chatswood it would have been impossible. We are so fortunate – as is Kim.
When everyone laughs at you It’s best to laugh along too Don’t let things affect you so Stand upright to any blow Strength’s applied when nothing done It’s not a game that must be won Take it with a pinch of salt It’s not really anyone’s fault Emotions tug at simple minds The simple comes in many kinds Our reactions were never taught Perhaps that’s something that we ought To teach our kids in schools Give them these important tools Inner peace and satisfaction As opposed to angry passion
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have Kim Chi back home. She’s very happy to be somewhere familiar again. She doesn’t seem too stressed about being stuck in the classroom – not yet anyway. I hope she settles into it.
1994ever 