Tag: kimi

Fleeting – 24th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Watching the world wake up
Waiting for the rain
It’s just another day
Same – but not the same

Weary-eyed, sleep-walkers
Coffee got them going
It’s business as usual
Yesterday’s news a-flowing

Not for me, not today
It’s time to break the mould
To sit and try to understand
All the stories I’ve been told

If we could live on words
There’s plenty here for eating
Why the morning feels more real
As each day passes, fleeting

inspired by this post at Spinning Visions

Today I’m feeling:

A little vague with heavy eyelids. Exercise got me going but driving to work I was distracted and forgetting how I’d even got to where I was. I know it’s the extra exercise making me tired but I’ve gotta try and keep it going. My body is benefitting and I need to get over the hump and get used to it, become a habit.

Today I’m grateful for:

Yet another half day with no classes affording me time to catch up on more reading and writing with my coffees. 

I went upstairs to see who was in the classroom of what was usually my first class of the day. There were six students and when I asked where the rest were they told me that they’d gone to one of their dorm rooms. Amusingly they confirmed that they went there to sleep more. The idea though was that they go to the Science Day event rather than study with me. Sleep was not what they should miss my class for!

Never mind, I was taking advantage of the event too.

Whilst I was talking to those students I was feeling a little tired and slurring my words a little. One of them offhandedly remarked that I looked stoned. That reminded me that perhaps the effects of yesterday evening’s cannabis oil hadn’t quite worn off.

The best thing about today was:

At 6.30 pm sitting on the terrace in the cool air, writing here and hearing the drip drops of rain approaching from across the fields which became a steady fall, the windblown droplets cooling my skin even further. The rain is damn cold but I’m also thoroughly enjoying the feeling, sitting under cover and watching the water drip from the roof. Cap is sitting at the door looking out in comfort behind the screen.  I think it will be an early night for me tonight.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’ve been sleeping very well this week partly because of increasing my morning exercise routines but also aided by a couple of drops of cannabutter. One downside of that though was last night feeling sure that I had done my daily language learning only to discover this morning that I hadn’t done any at all! I also haven’t been able to read as many comics as usual, just feeling that I can’t keep my eyes open.

Something I learned today?

I’ve followed bits and pieces about Russia and the war in Ukraine and I understand very little about the involvement of the Wagner group. It felt like Western media was making a big deal over an alleged coup by the Wagner group and the words of its leader Prigozhin who ended up in Belarus. The Wagner group was then mentioned to be involved in Africa trying to counter armed interference from Western allies. Today, a small aircraft Prigozhin was on, crashed, killing everyone on board. There is sure to be more to that story.

I guess in some ways I’ve learned again that I know nothing.

What is the best gift I have ever given?

I’m struggling to even think about any gifts I have given!

There was the iPhone I bought for Amy when I came to Thailand but that was spoiled by the immigration officials who wanted the tax paid on it when I arrived. An iPhone is not really special either – it was more the surprise that I wanted Amy to get.

There were all the drawings of Amy and her friends that I did for our anniversary. That was a bit more special and personal.

Ok, here’s one. Back in 2013, I planned to go to Yogyakarta. Kimi and Sikin were disappointed that they couldn’t afford to meet me there so I bought them tickets. In the lead-up to that visit, I was suddenly retrenched and worried about spending too much money so I ended up cancelling my trip whilst Kimi and Sikin were still able to go! I shouldn’t have cancelled that trip but the future was feeling a bit uncertain at the time.

I took this picture because I was surprised to find Tigger in here, although as you can see he doesn’t all fit. All our cats constantly swap their favourite places and it feels like they wish that they could occupy them all at the same time to stop each other from stealing their spots. There’s something to be said for only owning one cat. But if we ever get more cats in the future I’d really like to get two or three brother and sister kittens. That would be great to watch them grow together and hopefully love each other more than our current cats do.

Aspirations – 2nd July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

We invented the Joneses
Something to aspire
Keep on the treadmill
Tweaking on desire

Bold, beautiful and rich
A mansion in the hills
Chasing after a life
Defined by constant thrills

Today I’m feeling:

Yesterday I felt like I was on a bit of a high but today feels the opposite. I can’t quite figure out why. I slept well enough but perhaps not long enough as I ended up back in a deep sleep from 11:30 until 2 pm. Since then I’ve not been enthused about anything and passed an hour or so pulling up weeds.

Today I’m grateful for:

Noey’s coffee. Now she is capable of making a perfect cappuccino for me. I like to think that I contributed to her improvement by always allowing her to make my coffee so that she can get more practice, though in reality there is obviously more to it than that.

The best thing about today was:

It’s almost 6pm and there is nothing of any real highlight except for Noey showing off her belly button with the clothes she was wearing. Or the satisfaction of a square metre of the garden weed free for a week or two. It’s not been a bad day either. Just not much of anything.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’ve been getting an aching pain in my eyes. Also a vague toothache around my jaw. Maybe I’ve got some sinus problem or perhaps even just a bad tooth that is causing pain elsewhere in my face. It could also just be looking at too many screens. I should probably go get my eyes tested at some point again. I don’t feel like my vision has gotten worse but a new pair of glasses might help. 

When I look at my glasses I always see a speck on the left lens from when they dropped on the floor in Kimi’s bathroom not long after I first got them. 

Something I learned today?

Watching Little Chinese Everywhere as she(Yan?) travels to Tibet and the second-highest hotel in the world. The highest being in Peru. The scenery in Tibet is quite amazing.

What is a fear that I would like to overcome?

I suppose I still have plenty of fears but not sure I feel the need to overcome them. For example, my fear of spiders is not particularly life-threatening or would be life-changing if I overcame it.

I was chatting with Ellen yesterday and she had just been tandem skydiving in Sichuan province. I’ve thought about doing that before but feel afraid. The fear is not of the height or hitting the ground, the fear is about losing control, fearing fainting or heart attack or something like that.

Still though, it’s not like a fear of skydiving is holding back my dreams in any way.

I took this picture yesterday because I’ve never been on this side of the dam at the university before. The whole university grounds environment is exceptional but doesn’t seem to get much use. It’s too hot or wet most of the time and you need a motorbike to get around. The only thought I did have is that there are many places you could go for a romantic walk, talk or view. I don’t know how much of that happens here though.

A Glass To The Gods – 11th June 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Never admit that the gods will win
Even if you know it true
It’s your dream you’re murdering
If such you are admitting to
Accept the contradiction
So that the greatest art is created
It’s a long line of tradition
In which the battle is clearly stated
Children born with great dreams
Eyes turn cold when they learn
Nothing is ever what it seems
And for that, the heart must yearn
The lovers and kings will dance and drink
Until they can masquerade no more
Because there comes a time to stop and think
What was all that dancing for?

inspired by this post by John Coyote

Today I’m feeling:

I slept so badly last night maybe because I had that nap that left me exhausted but also not helped by the humid air that even with the window open and the fan sucking in air did little to help. Woke up before my alarm and bumbled around before riding my pushbike to Utopia. Still not sure how I feel yet.
(Later) I managed to get going and keep going until now, late afternoon, shopping and vacuuming and just now playing guitar and reading but my body is feeling like it will enjoy sleep again. Let’s just hope it is better than last night.

Today I’m grateful for:

Haagen and Mei for getting a very drunk Amy safely home tonight. I don’t like to see Amy like that, it looks like it has gone beyond happiness and towards oblivion. I’ll never ask her to stop drinking because I know she enjoys it so much but I would like her to moderate better. As I’m not drinking these days it is difficult for me to share her feeling and I find myself frustrated. I generally don’t like hanging around people when they have had too much to drink unless I feel compelled to take care of them. Of course, I will take care of Amy and I hope that sometime she will start to feel like me in that the hangovers counter the pleasure to a negative degree.

The best thing about today was:

Feeling better than yesterday though I am wondering if I may be sick with something. Last week there were free covid test kits in the teacher’s room as many people supposedly have had it recently. Also, a couple of my students have looked sick in my classes.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I asked Art to come with me to the aircon repair shop next door to Utopia and see if he could convince them to come and fix mine. This time the lady said that the mechanic was too busy. So it seems like he’s not sick anymore. Well, too bad for them. They did mention another aircon shop and Art sent little Art out to see if they could help but he soon came back and said that they close on Sundays. I really appreciate all the help they gave me and makes me feel that I have at least some friendly local acquaintances here.
I will drop by that shop tomorrow afternoon and see if they can help me. I’d like to get it fixed before Amy comes back which we realised is only 4 weeks away now!

Something I learned today?

I watched a video of a mosh-style hardcore band (Speed) touring South East Asia and it reminded me of the documentary I took part in about ten years ago. Watching the reactions of the band members to the quirks of South East Asian life and the enthusiasm took me back to my own experiences and made me miss Kimi and the thought that I will find it hard to travel there again without him being around. Writing this also reminded me to contact Asikin, Kimi’s widow, which I just did.

How can I improve this moment?

Damn, I’m in bed, about to do some Thai study and a bit of reading before sleeping. The aircon seems to be working again (fan only) and I’m prepared for a good sleep. This moment may only be improved by actually being asleep.
I will try to improve with some positive reflections to take into my dreams.

I took this picture because a couple of these mushrooms suddenly appeared overnight. No idea if they are edible and I’m not going to try.

Yes, No Stress – 7th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Lives filled with mediocrity
There’s a half-hearted yes
Missed golden opportunities
Because mediocre is no stress
Anything that needs doing
Must be done all the way
And if it doesn’t feel right
Then saying no is ok

Today I’m feeling:

There’s tension building in my body. Had no real problem getting up at 6.30 this morning as I prepare for battle. Slowly I will build up the discipline to fight the days again.

Today I’m grateful for:

A video call from a chatty Amy this morning as I was sipping coffee at Utopia. Amy looked cute and cuddly and I really enjoyed her enthusiasm for life. I miss her being here a lot. I’m quite happy by myself but sometimes I need her to pick me up.

The best thing about today was:

Finishing the Michael Parkinson biography and the Netflix TV series Money Heist. I enjoy the feeling of finishing something knowing that I can move on to something new. Tomorrow it will be getting back into the swing of working again and starting that whole schedule again. I already have the next book lined up, Sapiens but not sure what TV I might get into. I might not for a while as I enjoy reading more.

I also got the music playing all day again in the kitchen, something which I hadn’t been doing since Kim left at the start of this holiday. This holiday hasn’t been very enjoyable at all unfortunately though perhaps it was fortunate that Kim didn’t go in the middle of the semester. I wonder if I would’ve handled it better or not? 

Soon Amy will be back here and we will change all our room arrangements again. I’ll accommodate what she needs to feel comfortable again and also enjoy the changes.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

When I talked to Amy this morning she asked if I had talked to anyone about getting the aircon fixed yet and I told her that I would go to the shop tomorrow and talk with them as it would be easier than on the phone. (Strangely it seemed to be working ok again last night though not quite 100%) About ten minutes later she called me back and said that she’d talked to her mum and that her mum had someone who could come and fix it for cheaper. Cool beans. I asked if that would be today and she said probably not. That was ok, whenever. Another ten minutes later she called again and said the guy wouldn’t be able to come for another two weeks so better if I just go to the shop! If you sit and wait long enough in Thailand everything twists and turns until it just ends up as it was. No stress (anymore!). I’m pretty sure that when I go to the shop they won’t be able to come quickly either as everyone’s aircon will be breaking at this time to overuse.

Something I learned today?

I saw that protesters in the UK were arrested without having committed a crime. This was due to it being King Charles’s coronation on Saturday. I think the same would happen in Thailand too.

How have I been holding myself back?

I’ve been holding myself back somewhat due to Amy not being here. As I’m here taking care of the cats I haven’t been able to go to places that I might’ve liked to, like Malaysia, again. It’s the situation holding me back as opposed to any internal thought processes keeping me down. I make the best of the situation as it is. Having said that, if I felt strongly enough I could have arranged for the cats to be taken care of and gone off for a time too.

I’ve been thinking about how much the pandemic fucked up things. I’d only been in Thailand a short while really and was still finding my feet. I was excited to go on tour around South East Asia now that I was living here, establish contacts to repeat the process every year and then it all got cancelled and with Kimi’s passing around the start of the pandemic it really took the wind out of my sails. I don’t feel like I can get the enthusiasm back up to go through the organising process again and I feel out of the loop with what’s going on around the region. Maybe a suitable opportunity will come up that will kick me into action again though I’m not particularly looking for it right now.

I took this picture because I saw a million insects on one of the stems of this plant and when I touched it they all flew off and into a flying formation where they looked static. This is my attempt to photograph them though, of course, it didn’t work but I like the resulting picture anyway.

Raising The Water – 6th November 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Burned fresh paths into a new century
Got fat on food and dollar bills
Growth was built upon an enemy
And so those enemies sought new skills
And as stagnation sets the tone
Cooperation re-emerged as the norm
Gathered together they progressed alone
Leaving behind those with poor form

One who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; one who does not ask a question remains a fool forever.

various attributions

Today I’m feeling:
Satisfied and quiet.
Today I’m grateful for:
Discovering a cool new band called Ad Interim as they approached me about putting out some vinyl. It rocks pretty good and I’m keen but unsure how to make it work.
The best thing about today was:
Speaking briefly with Ckin in KL as she is sending me up some of my old stock that Kimi had there. Coincidentally I had heard the Malaysian accent already that morning as two teachers (I guess) were in Utopia. I was hoping to get to KL later this month for Parthiban’s show and to catch up with him and Ckin but I don’t have enough free time.
Daily thought
Do you believe in a higher power? I think the answer is no. I do understand the concept though as it helps people let go of certain bad habits and behaviours. The fact that I am not in control of everything is fine for me. I don’t need to assign that task to a higher power.
If you had the power to change one law, what would it be and why?
In Thailand, it would be the removal of the lese-majeste law. It is a law that is too easily abused by powerful people. It serves no real purpose except to frighten and scare people. It seems like a backwards way of going about making people support their country.

I took this picture because our cats are hiding themselves away from all the fireworks and explosions for Loy Kratong. It’s unusual to see Kim and Cap in solidarity.

My Terrorist – 16th September 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

You’re my terrorist, siding with our gods
Next week’s enemy, against all the odds
Difficult to believe, though it’s oft-repeated
Cheating the cheaters, so everyone is cheated

You’re my terrorist, you may do my bidding
About those rewards, I was only kidding
You die for nothing, just another’s lies
And in your defeat, I still claim the prize

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the coolness of winter days very slowly returning. Comfortable mornings of fog and misty mountains.

As I’m reading another article about stoicism, gratitude and amor fati, I can feel my brain changing. These words were revelatory for me when I first read them. Now they are comfortable reminders of my acceptance of the way the world is and the way I am. I often think about my mother and wish to hear her talk about things in our lives. I can’t do that except in my mind. That brings me some comfort still.

I miss Kimi even more, in some ways. My mother is/was always a part of my life. Kimi was a kindred spirit I found, like Jochen and Matt, Rich, Steve and Rob and others. Finding some special people in your life is a rewarding experience that provides hope and gratitude to my being.

Amy’s auntie passed away last night. Perhaps some people will feel the same way about her. I hope so.

Our plans (what little we have) will change this weekend but that is out of my control so I can accept it.

I will do what I can to continue living this blessed life in the best way possible. Now, it’s time for class. Let’s see if I can take this positivity and rub it off on some of my students.

We got that attitude! – 20th November 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful to have the time and inclination to try to learn a little more of a new language. When I had tried before I always gave up because it got too hard. It’s still hard and frustrating but I feel relaxed enough to take it slowly and enjoy it.
I am so happy and grateful to wake up to another beautiful day with a healthy wife and semi-healthy cats. We are all alive.
I am so happy and grateful to enjoy waking up this morning after an interrupted sleep of KimChi jumping on the fan and turning it on and off because she wanted to take her collar off and play and go outside. Eventually, she settled down and I slept until it got light and the village announcement came on and the music reminded me so much of waking up in KL at Kimi’s and listening to the call to prayer. I miss Kimi so much.

We got that attitude! – 29th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for Epit taking the time and effort to drive me around KL and to take care of me on this visit.

Regrets are only regrets if you haven’t learned something from them.

To-do list

  • Talk with Talib and Thiban about plans ✅
  • Talk with Sikin about tapes ✅
  • Stay positive – enjoy the friendships of the living ✅
  • Savour the tahlil and Kimi’s memory ✅

Everyone here is so lovely and friendly. I really like it and I love to visit but it is strange not to see Kimi. I keep imagining he will suddenly appear.

Sikin seems to be doing ok but I’m not sure when she’s by herself. Epit and Aelin’s kids are fun and I hope they have enjoyed having me around.

Tonight I just found out that I won’t be able to go back to school due to the virus and a new law enacted that stops people who have been in Malaysia from going out for 14 days on return. This is kind of good news though I’m guessing I won’t be getting paid. Hopefully, I can treat it like a bonus holiday and I still have the online teaching to do.

谁他妈抽了我的中南海? – 26th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

“a parent catching her child with cigarettes and forcing him to smoke the whole pack.”

Despite my father dying of lung cancer when I was a baby, my mother kept smoking for another 15 to 20 years after, then gave up in her early 60s and lived for another 20 years, though she suffered from COPD in the last 5 or so years which restricted her a lot.

I grew used to her smoking though I actually have no real memory of her puffing on a cigarette. Of course it was only natural her naughty son would steal an occasional cigarette, find a way to light it and go off down the end of the garden and practice smoking. I could be an adult too.

It was a great game. Waiting for my mother to leave her packet unattended, gradually sneaking a couple more each time. I was never caught but I’m guessing she knew. When I had upgraded to smoking in my bedroom I would get caught once or twice and my mum just tutted and asked where I got the cigarettes from to which I would guiltily lie. She couldn’t really say much without looking like a hyprocrite.

I also upgraded to stealing my grandfather’s beer which he kept stored in an outdoor shed. I loved the feeling alcohol gave me. I also remember being able to open my gullet so the liquid went straight down without gulping. A talented 13 year old I was becoming.

When my mum gave up smoking I had already started earning my own money and had developed my own addiction. I was proud of her giving up. I still hated myself too much to try. It wasn’t until much later when my son was born that I eventually stopped and that took a huge effort. At that point I was still secretly smoking at work and stuffing down packets of mints so my wife wouldn’t detect it. But eventually I stopped.

I still have dreams about that and sometimes I hit lucidity within the dream and wonder about the fact that I still smoke sometimes. It’s a weird feeling. I really hate the smell of burning cigarettes now and try to avoid going to bars and restaurants where smoking is permitted, something which is still common throughout Asia.

If the Chinese want to make a silent protest towards their government they should surely quit smoking and stop that tax money ending up in the pockets of their leaders! But cigarettes are like a handshake there, a different cultural definition.

Anyways, I was never forced to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes fortunately, though everyone knew the story of some kid that it had been forced upon. Did it ever happen or is it just urban legend?

This is England….

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I could quickly get over an injustice towards me.
I am so happy and grateful that I don’t have to teach today because the students are doing exams.

To-do list

  • Finish death course ✅
  • Read the Bandcamp article ✅
  • Staple exams
  • Write a blog post ✅
  • Practice eye gaze technique ½

A long day stuck in the classroom with nothing to do but read, which was OK, just a little lacking in stimulation. My eyes hurt from looking at the screen so much.

I went to the psychiatrist after school and got new medication. I mentioned to him I had had a difficult emotional event on Monday but after a short period of time I have managed to overcome it. It felt good to tell him about this.

It later got me thinking about how much I trust this person to open up to because I feel a little judgemental towards him as he is from a different culture. Is that fair? Probably not. But it is important to talk to someone you feel comfortable with.

In the evening we went to Nong Nik’s graduation dinner. Amy drank quite a lot and showed a lot of love and affection to her mum. As we drove home though she was very animated about her frustrations with living in Thailand. It’s an ongoing source of concern and I’m not sure how to help. Moving back to Australia isn’t a very realistic option for us at the moment.

I am also not quite happy at the moment either. This could be connected with Kimi’s death which has made me re-evaluate things somewhat. Amy says I can quit school any time and she will go work in Australia. This is a possibility but I still would like to see if I can remain happy at a school and learn to deal with the stupid events better.

Thursday is another easy day of teaching and I will try to enjoy it as much as I can, stay in the present. Remember to breathe, remember you could die tomorrow. Let’s try not to make anyone cry today.