Fragile – 31st March 2023

Hang on in there
Don’t make this goodbye
Your eyes shine at me
But don’t speak those words
I don’t want to wake up
To hear those sad words
It’s in the balance, fragile
Like your kiss
I want to see you again

Written for Kim Chi.
30th May 2024 – Submitted to FOWC with Fandango


Today I’m feeling:

Fairly happy but stressed about Kim Chi’s health.

Today I’m grateful for:

Having been able to save a little money over the last couple of months which I’d planned to spend on myself but have been able to cover all the expenses our cats have had in March.

The best thing about today was:

The official start of the holiday for me. Also, see the attached picture.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

After dropping Kim with the vet this morning they advised to come back after 5 pm which I did. Dr Arnon said she only has a 50% chance of surviving this latest problem which is a low red blood cell count and lung infection.

Kim looks very sorry for herself but tried to sit up when she saw me and heard Amy’s voice on a video call. I got the impression Dr Arnon was trying to give us hope whilst he didn’t really believe it. I guess I would do that too. Nothing to do now but wait.

It was difficult to talk with Amy. She feels helpless because she is so far away and I’m helpless even though I am near.

We are sad that we can’t comfort each other though. Kim has been dealt a bad hand after being left to die in the back of a truck and having leukaemia.

We know that her life will be short but it’s hard to reconcile when we’ve seen her so happy and playful most of the time.

I really hope we can see that again.

Something I learned today?

The Thai PM has admitted failure in being able to control the annual fires and pollution in Thailand. No shit Sherlock. Doing next to fuck all about it never amounts to much.

Reflect on a meaningful experience I had this week.

It’s hard to write anything at this time whilst Kim Chi’s life is in the balance. I’m questioning myself if I did enough for her, should I have taken her to the vet sooner?

In hindsight, I can imagine she has not been well for a while but cats are never that clear about showing distress. If this is my meaningful experience this week it’s not over yet.

KP contacted me again about doing the English camp on Saturday which I had to decline because, despite feeling better myself, the air outside is still at hazardous levels. In normal circumstances, I would do it but now my feeling is low about things. Sigh.

Jet drew this picture of me because I asked her to. She’s a talent. Not sure about the devil horns though. She was very happy with her overall grade and said she looked forward to me teaching her again next semester.

We got that attitude! – 10th April 2021

I am so happy and grateful for Aing and Manow for taking care of our house and cats whilst we were away. Aing is a responsible friend who we can trust and it is by chance that we met when I advertised free English lessons for uni students and she was one of only a couple who responded. I’m also still in contact with the other, K.P., so that was a worthwhile chance to take at the time.

Kill confusion by killing options – 4th February 2020

Most disputes are a waste of time even if you’re in the right….

– Haters blog post by Paul Graham

I can recall a thousand arguments I thought I’d won, “That showed them!” Only now to realise I had lost.

Some people start arguments for an unknown reason. Why do we bite at it? Sometimes it’s something we just know we can easily win. An opportunity to show intellectual superiority. What did that achieve in the end?

Sometimes people just sound argumentative perhaps not eloquent enough to express themselves any other way. Being able to defuse situations like that takes a special skill, worth practicing.

Some people don’t argue at all and start with a closed fist. They didn’t like the way you looked. The air sizzles with violence. Mostly recognised from younger days, too old to be a threat to anyone now surely.

Another option often chosen is to simply run away from it, waiting until calmer heads prevail. But what if it didn’t come?

I hate arguing, it’s a waste of time and energy. That doesn’t mean I won’t stand up for what I believe to be right and true but those opportunities rarely actually appear in life. Most arguments are petty and ultimately inconsequential. So the aim is not to win or lose but to just not waste time.

I’m sick of emotions always tearing me inside
Watching things crumble, letting all things slide
A very temporary waste of time
Is there really such a thing as a waste of time?

Gray Matter

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my medicine. I didn’t realise I didn’t take it yesterday and I felt pretty down most of that time. Only realised this morning when I found the tablet on the bench!

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

Buddha

To-do list

  • Take some new photos to use on the blog ½
  • Gym after work ✅
  • Play the listen and don’t complain game ½
  • Clear some Pocket articles ✅

It was a little difficult to play the listen and don’t complain game as Kevin and Said weren’t in school today and apart from courtesies I only spoke to Fred for about 3 minutes. I was able to do it later though when Kru Tam was complaining about Kevin not being organised to send things for printing. I just asked her what she would like me to do.

Similarly, taking photos wasn’t really an easy task either. I’m either sitting at my desk or teaching – not many interesting photo opportunities arising.

I rode my pushbike to the gym and met KP along the way which was nice – she has such a good heart. She was in a hrry though so not much chat but I hope I can ask her to help bring some students for us sometime.

I learned a lot today about social connection and just talking to strangers. A little easier said than done with the language barrier here but George seems to manage to do it quite well. I need to practice those skills. I guess I missed a little opportunity to do this at the gym as there was a white guy there. the gym feels a bit weird to do that though. Though, now I’m thinking of it, it is where George meets and talks to a lot of people so I guess I just need to bite the bullet and try it.