Tag: kratom

Since Candide – 27th September 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Since Candide, suffering continues

Existential anxiety remains

Unreconciled with our worldviews
And what our nature explains


Incoherent and senseless
Are we significant at all?
Absurdity undermines purpose
To applaud or to appeal?



To fill the void with meaning
The pursuit of pleasure or power

Afflicts society’s dreaming
Making all our thoughts sour


Down in deepest depression

Addiction rises to the fore

Ideology turns to aggression

The neurotic triad score


Put it all in order, truth

Beauty and justice to prevail

For the sake of creation, proof

There is no win or fail


Absurd joy par excellence
It’s in the act, the doing

The ephemeral quality of existence

Meaning worth pursuing


The love of nature, the love of art

An admiration of a story told

The love of work plays a part

That’s the love on which to hold



What is the meaning to be chosen?
The stance taken on this burden

A call to action thaws unfrozen

A decision made becomes certain



Courage and honour found

In the darkest circumstances

Thoughts and attitude profound

And Candide’s life advances

Inspired by this article on the meaning of suffering at Philosophy Now

Today I’m feeling:

Quite good after falling dead asleep again last night before 10.30. I woke up sometime earlier this morning, though with Fleetwood Mac stuck in my head for some reason. It could be worse, I guess.

Did a little exercise again, noticing that the little that I did yesterday already had me aching in the legs. It will be good to get back to that good ache, though.

By the afternoon, I could barely walk up stairs! I had run out of energy and motivation and left my last class mostly to their own devices, which they were happy enough with too.

I stopped taking any Tramadol a couple of weeks ago, not for any particular reason, I just figured I’d have kratom and give the T’s a miss and see how I felt and as I didn’t have any withdrawal dizziness as I usually experience (I guess I did still have dizziness though it seemed different somehow) I just ended up not taking it.

That could be part of the reason that I’m not quite so focused in my thoughts and a little more scattered than usual. It could also be part of the low energy and motivation situation, too.

Anyway, as I’m feeling reasonably mentally stable, I’ll keep going for a while longer and see if things balance out.

Health:

Physical: 7
Mental: 7

Today I’m grateful for:

The sudden message to go and sign our financial documents means that we should get paid early next week. I’ve just about managed to make it through this month without having to ask for credit. This is the first time since November last year, after messing up my visa and having to pay a bunch of extra fees to fix it again.

The best thing about today was:

Getting some presentation lessons prepared during my first class, who were busy catching up with work for other classes (or sleeping) and I wasn’t particularly interested in teaching either.

The lessons are not especially exciting but they give the students more information to improve what they will present next semester. I plan for them to present often, so I don’t really have anything more to offer to teach them. Just get them practising.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

As I technically had classes for most of the day, I figured that I would spend a bit of time at the school when I had a chance but when I went there at around 11.30, they told me that they had no milk for my coffee!

Well, decision made – back to 22 Grams. I can’t make it my regular spot as it’s a little too far from school and I am really missing House. I hope Gui gets it together to clean up and open again for next semester!

Something I learned today?

Yesterday, when I was talking with Noah and Poppy, Stang also came up to listen in and he asked me if any of the teachers were my friends.

Er…yes, I said…though thinking to myself, well, not really. I mean, I’m fine with everyone but I wouldn’t call any of the teachers my friends.

Stang then asked why I don’t hang out with the teachers and as I was thinking about it, he added, ‘you like kids?’ to which the girls were shocked and laughed too.

I was thinking how to answer them and agreed that I actually prefer hanging out with the students because, for me, we are on the same level. I told them that I didn’t like the Thai style of the teacher being above and the student below and that they must defer all the time. They agreed and hate it too. They know it’s not right.

Also, as an aside to this, I know Stang had an ulterior motive in asking about this, as he pushes the boundaries to see how close he can get to me physically. I’ve felt this since I first met him in grade 7, and he is obviously trying to figure himself out and how to approach boys that he likes.

I’m happy that he feels comfortable trying that with me and it hasn’t gone too far. I’m not sure how he fits in with his classmates. He’s openly expressed his homosexuality but never heard any of his classmates discuss it in particular. He is a big kid too; not fat but tall and chunky.

As ever, it is fascinating to watch all these kids grow and mature.

In his class in the afternoon, I happened to wander in and Namkhing was sitting in a corner and I was struck by how suddenly her face had changed to be that of a young woman, whereas only seemingly last week she still looked like a cherubic schoolgirl.

Amy (on the left) took this picture because we were all waiting around to go into classrooms and she stole my camera from my pocket and started snapping away. Amy, me, Chompoo, Stang.

It’s Voodoo, Man – 11th September 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 5 Comments

Enthralled by perceived charisma, you will hear these words oft-repeated
We will provide you what you deserve of which you’ve been cheated
The masks will swap, convincing you that change means not the same
Scapegoating other players is just the way ahead in this game

There’s no escaping the treadmills that you yourself wished created
Signed on to the terms and conditions that we have dictated
Ignorance is a more terrible curse than anything we could invent
So the illusion must be maintained with your monies well spent

I tried some long-line rhyming! The initial inspiration for this was the 7th line, taken from the comic Shadowman – hence the title.

Today I’m feeling:

Super tired. I slept before 10 last night and was in a deep, deep sleep for most of the night and did not want to get up this morning but I did push myself and did a little exercise again.

I was sitting in my room, about to leave, when Amy called me and asked if the school was open because the river had burst its banks and Tessaban 6 school is closed and the bypass is closed too, forcing everyone onto the highway, which usually floods at points too.

I called Kru Tang and she suggested staying home until she got more details. So I could’ve slept even longer if I wanted!

I pushed myself out to Utopia, where I’m sitting now and will do some work.

At 10.30, a message came through that the school will be closed until Monday! Woohoo! One teacher commented that the river is up on the bridge now, which, if I had gone to school, may have meant that I couldn’t get home!

Health:

Physical: 6
Mental: 7

Today I’m grateful for:

No more rain today, at least in our area and we are not affected by any flooding here. It was actually worse here for us last week.

Someone shot a video from ThaTon showing the overflowing river rushing through just under the bottom of the bridge, and all that water was heading towards the city.

The best thing about today was:

Probably having Amy warn me about the flooding before leaving home this morning.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy is closely following events just in case her parents and/or friends are likely to have any problems overnight. I know she’s very worried about it.

I feel more calm as there is really nothing I can do at the moment.

Something I learned today?

I came across a current documentary about kratom use in the USA. It seems that entrepreneurs there are extracting the active elements from it and boosting up the efficacy and it’s starting to cause health problems, including death.

I was just wondering today if my tiredness is from taking kratom. I hadn’t had any for about six weeks and noticed that I wasn’t sleeping as well as before. I’ve slept very well since taking it again this week, but then I also noticed that I feel exhausted at the end of the day.

However, I’m also wondering if my tiredness is due to the fact that I started exercising again this week, too. Maybe I need to test both of these possibilities out.

Review your acts, Good and bad.

I messaged Baipad at lunchtime, and she said that she was at Central, presumably going there after the school closed. I wished her luck to get home, as only one bridge was still open over the river.

After waking up again after an afternoon nap, Amy told me that all the bridges were closed now. I messaged Baipad again, and she told me that she had made it home.

I commiserated with Porpieng and Lin, though, as both their houses were starting to flood.

Gui took this picture of the highway from the top of his house. It soon got worse than this and though he said the cafe was ok at that time, I’m not so sure it stayed that way. Both my school and TLC were flooded by late afternoon.

Make Me Laugh Johnny – 17th January 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Pissing time away, money ain’t gonna save us
Betting on a 7-2 combo down in Vegas
A couple of lines will cut the time in half
Make me laugh Johnny, make me laugh

Stroking beards ain’t the thing to be doing
When the dancing girls are being flew in
Shiny lights ain’t enough in this big city
Make me laugh Johnny, I’m feeling shitty

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and lazy

Today I’m grateful for:

The free weed that Matt gave me. I don’t know when I’m likely to use it though as I don’t like smoking it and don’t often use it in tea. I also already have gummies which keep me happy enough and is easy to measure the dose.

The best thing about today was:

Waking up before my alarm with Kim Chi investigating a good spot to lie on me. She likes my hip but is disturbed every time I turn over. After I got up she quickly transferred herself under the doona on Amy’s bed and I had to get her out just so that she would eat. After eating she went straight back and was still there when I got home around 3 pm. She loves sleeping.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My classes were both pretty much out of control for the most part but I went with the flow and it really just meant taking longer to get things done. The kids are just excited at the moment with sports week coming up but I doubt if they will be settled after that either.

Something I learned today?

Thanks to Matt I learned where to buy kratom leaves and Nam Kratom. The bonus is that there are two beautiful lively friendly dogs there too.

I took this picture because yesterday Tamgmo played in the garden with his friend. No new pictures today.

I’ve been keeping my app updated more than writing here (on paper) and I thought this was the last journal book I have here so have been winding down. However, I found another book on the shelf so I’ll get back into this again.

I went to see Matt at lunchtime and he gave me a bunch of homegrown wee and sold me a couple more vials of acid. He may also have a lead on some more in Chiang Mai in a couple of weeks. We are the quiet fiends not bothering anybody!! Haha! He also clued me into a Kratom seller selling leaves and bottles of tea in Wiang Chai so I picked up a bottle on the way home.

We met at the cafe near Happy City golf course and were kinda surprised at all the Koreans in the cafe, coming from or going to the golf course. Somehow they looked very Korean, all wearing special skin patches on their cheekbones presumably to stop the sun from burning their skin and also reduce the glare in their eyes. They all looked perfect. It was strange to see them in this dishevelled old wooden shack of a cafe.

Classes today were rowdy but fun. It’s difficult to take things seriously at the moment as there are so many days off in the coming weeks and before you know it’ll be the end of the semester again.

Amy and I are missing each other. She’s been back in Oz for about 10 days now and we’re both still readjusting. Even this will be quick as a flash though and she’ll be back again just after her birthday.

Aing and Now will come again in a couple of weeks. I guess they have other friends around here graduating.

I’m trying to get back into a decent routine again but finding it hard. I’ve got my energy back. I think the longer-term effects of Covid have gone (as far as I can tell) so I’m trying to do a little more exercise in the morning.

I want to read more but find myself resorting to YouTube and just watching comedy. I guess I need to laugh.

Not Fake, Fake – 12th January 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A wife beater
A woman hater
A grinning smile
A facade facile
Every inch a man
God his creator
A good woman down
A demonic clown
A greasy spine
A shiny veneer
A bondaged mind
Soon left behind
A final punt
A decade gone
An unbecoming end
Not even a friend

Today I’m feeling:

Tired yet satisfied

Today I’m grateful for:

Pure Bliss Kratom for getting back in touch with me so I can order from them again. I tried to order a couple of weeks ago but they had run out of packaging.

The best thing about today was:

Getting everything together for my work permit and giving it to Nancy. Not as difficult as doing my visa but still used to stress me out. Now it’s become more familiar and feels more comfortable. I was still glad to get this part done though. Next step is to take it to the department of employment and hand over money!

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Two students asked to skip my class today to practice more for sports day. Eventually I said yes but knew that other students would then assume it was ok not to come and sure enough that’s what happened – the usual suspects.

Again, it made for a quieter class so that was a benefit. I marked those students absent so they will have to figure out why their grades suck at the end of the semester.

Talking with David I can feel he is frustrated by the lack of discipline at the school, not just students but with teachers too. He’s not so comfortable with the lack of structure and I get the feeling he might quit soon.

I can definitely feel my attitude has changed since I started teaching and also feel I may not be able to teach anywhere else after this. I mean, I’d have to teach properly!

Something I learned today?

Southampton beat Manchester City 2-0 which was a surprise. That will please my old friends back in Southampton.

What are your two favourite places to be?

  1. Home
  2. Anywhere else
    It’s here or there.
    Do people have favourite places to be? I like to be in the place where I am.
    Maybe I could say this:
  3. Inside the body of a lover.
  4. Inside the mind of a lover.
    Or
  5. Standing in front of a maelstrom of music that is blissing me out
  6. Lost in the words of a meaningful story.
    I guess there have been certain places in the world that hold a special meaning but they are not particularly places I would go out of my way to go to again. Certain places that were special because of a romance can never be visited the same with a new romance.
    Maybe I could say
  7. Secondhand book shops and libraries
  8. Secondhand music stores
    Yeah, I think that works.
No special picture taken today. This is one of Rich and Steve at Steve’s wedding that Rich posted online in commemoration of Steve’s passing in late December. Baby faces, amazing to see again.

Big Tokes – 29th November 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Fucked up and thinking
All the crazy thoughts
Eyes half shut and drooping
Smashed out of sorts
Time stretched and twisted
An hour, a second, a day
Wake up next week
With nothing left to say
Your brain on drugs
The egg now over-fried
Paranoia and suspicion
Now set deep inside

I don’t want innovations which improve my shopping experience or make smartphones a tiny bit better. I want innovations which eliminate world hunger…innovations which help humans live in harmony with our ecosystem.

Caitlin Johnstone

Today I’m feeling:
Happy and high
Today I’m grateful for:
Matt giving me some kratom tea and then some weed tea at his place that had me fucked up and paranoid on the way home and when I got in I went straight to bed where I kinda fell in and out of dream state. I woke up an hour later groggy and still slightly bent. I’ve done nothing else but be lazy tonight. Weed really seems to be the best drug to keep people sedated.
The best thing about today was:
Having fun with my kids in class again. I think we got past the rocky start we had last week and I feel a little more confident again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Well, due to that unexpected high I wasn’t able to do things that I would normally want to do and I’m at peace with that decision. I felt out of control and the way to deal with it was just to slow everything down.
What are you curious about?
I’d like to say I’m curious about everything but that’s not really true. I’m probably less curious about many things now just out of laziness. There are things I don’t need to know. Actually, so much I don’t need to know. With modern technology, I wonder if my kids feel like this about everything. Just find out what you need to know when you need it. Maybe in the foreseeable future, this will be a benefit.

I took this picture because this is the first foggy morning of winter. Despite it being cooler in the morning we’ve needed the aircon on again at night and right now I’m sweating away with two fans before heading into the chilly bedroom.

The Rules – 6th February 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Throw the ball into the air
See what can go wrong
Now we’ve got ourselves a game
Make it up as you go along

That one doesn’t work
Let’s think of a better one
10 points for creativity
Even if it doesn’t last long

Experimentation makes the rules
Cultures develop this way
No one is better than another
And who am I to say?

What a journey this life is! Dependent entirely, on things unseen.

James Baldwin

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be friends with Nong Art, who helped me order kratom online this morning, accidentally finding a cheaper option!

Chilled out yesterday, as the car service got delayed until next week and the so-called storm just produced clouds and a light cool rain for most of the afternoon and evening. Lovely just to hang with the cats, reading and watching TV.

I also roasted some veggies for a decent hit of carbs. I munched on the mushrooms and felt good, listening to Cardiacs at full volume but didn’t cross over into psychedelia. Never mind.

I feel great this morning, after a long, deep sleep. I think today will be more of the same relaxing.

We got that attitude! – 24th October 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful to try this kratom powder today. I don’t know what to expect. Thanks to Matt, who bought it originally and then sold it to me.

Ah – home alone! I left Amy in the city with Nong Baew and friends, so I can chill at home, fiddle around and do whatever comes to mind!

I’ve been experimenting with this kratom powder that I bought off Matt and will see what kind of effect it has. I haven’t really felt much of anything so far, and anyway, I feel good already. Blasting music on the terrace and dicking around with my blog – as always.

The Gift – 14th September 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Your head games and offensive words
Spewing out your hole like stinking turds
The two-faced smiles and stinking breath
Your finagling towards friendship death

Daggers raised at those honest necks
A passive-aggressive sweep of the decks
The bitter change of heart so swift
Beyond the tears, you gave me a gift

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have a nice deep sleep totally missing the storm that blew everything around in the night. Feel good this morning!

I forgot to mention yesterday that I finally managed to play the first part of Scarborough Fair after what seems like months of trying! Changing from Dm to F was so difficult and it was getting so frustrating. I was so happy to finally do it on Sunday. Now I have to complete the next two sections and advance to Level 6. It’s all starting to get a little more difficult now but I’m still enjoying it. I will try and find more old punk songs that I know to play along to. I think that will keep up my motivation.

Today I can celebrate Matt selling me his stash of Kratom and also giving me the rest of his weed tincture. I never tried these before, so let’s see what they are like.

I’m happy today. Tuesday is my easy teaching day and giving the student work ahead of time makes the class go quicker, although it kinda spreads the work out for me, making it longer. Anyway, I’m enjoying it at the moment. I am still looking forward to a break though.