History is what’s happening – 12th-15th February 2018

February 15, 2018March 5, 2024 ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A fond farewell to Hayden in Brisbane as we lugged luggage again, two coffees down before boarding the plane. It was nice to fly in over Sydney (yet again) and if Brisbane was 10 times busier than Adelaide then Sydney repeated the feat over Brisbane especially as I struggled with my bags at two stations that didn’t have lifts. My dodgy elbows are extremely upset with me but what can a poor boy do.

Tonight I would stay with my friend Billie, her husband Jade and their daughter, Nexis, in the upmarket suburb of Killara on the North Shore of Sydney. They live in a house far too big for them, boxes still not unpacked from moving in 9 months ago. It did mean they could offer a spare room for this temporarily homeless wanderer for which I was grateful.

I met Billie about 10 or 11 years ago when I was part of a dragon boat racing team, representing Australia (somehow!), in a dirty bay on Hong Kong Island. Billie’s family head the institute of dragon boat racing in HK and Billie and her sister, Mandy, were the compere’s for the races. Both girls were and are extremely attractive and, Billie especially, bright and outgoing positive personalities.

Needless to say, they attracted the attention of the white boys at the races and at the drunken awards dinner on our last night there. Myself and another racer went out later for supper with Billie and we decided to stay in touch through email just in case our paths crossed again, under the pretence of sharing our photos of the week’s events with one another.

A few years later our paths did cross again as Billie became an air hostess with Cathay Pacific airlines. This, of course, took her all over the world, and eventually to Sydney. She got in touch and we met up one night for dinner. At the end of that night, she quietly invited me up to her room for coffee. I didn’t want to presume anything and I have no idea of her intention at the time but something in me decided not to take her up on the offer.

I’ve not really been one for one-night stands and I definitely didn’t want to do that with someone I felt that if I had then that might just be all our relationship might have been. I liked Billie, a lot, not because she was pretty but because we got on so well and had a lot of fun together. A friendship was more fulfilling than the possibility of brief exciting encounter and that’s the way I wanted to keep it.

We met a couple more times when she flew to Sydney. The final time with another of her crew, Kit, also a beautifully attractive girl. By then I had already met Amy and it was with some pride that we all headed to Amy’s favourite nightclub after dinner, I got to walk up to the dance floor with three amazingly attractive women.

Of course, I didn’t want to embarrass myself by actually dancing so I left them to it. Immediately they were swamped with guys wanting to dance with them, to which Billie and Amy crossed their arms in big X’s indicating for the guys to go away. After 15 minutes of this though they became exasperated and we decided to leave. On our way out a guy near the stairs grabbed Kit’s arm and yanked her towards him at which point I had to intervene and got to tell him that these three girls were all with me. It made me chuckle to bruise the poor guy’s ego (and radically inflate my own, briefly) as we left the club.

A few more years of staying in touch and Billie told she had met someone from Australia, Adelaide, in fact. I knew she met a million guys around the world and that she could pick anyone she wanted but this one she met in a bar in Hong Kong. She said he was not handsome, a bit fat even but had a generous and family-oriented personality. This was what she was looking for in her ideal partner more than a troublesome good looker.

Then a couple of years later they decided to relocate from Hong Kong to Sydney and ended up living a couple of blocks away from Amy and myself in Chatswood. We got to hang out a bit more but also were leading busy lives. A case of when living near the beach you never go for a swim.

Billie and Jade now had a baby on their hands and Billie could become the dragon mum she always dreamed of. I caught up with her sister Mandy during this time too and she soon was married with a couple of kids of her own.

Anyways, Billie rushed to pick up from the station in her new 4WD, on the phone to her friend, as we rushed to pick up Nexis from school, now in Year One. Nexis and I always get on like a house on fire, like I do with most kids, and we were soon making fun of her mum and I was getting her into trouble so we were both getting told off.

Nexis and I played some more, with their water hose – more trouble – and with their French Bulldog Dunstan, short name Dunny. Billie cooked up a nice veggie dinner for us all, Nexis went to bed and Jade overruled Billie to watch a movie instead of Billie’s favourite Aussie trash TV, Married at First Sight, thank heavens!

Next morning, Billie dropped me in Chatswood, with all my bags and we wished each other well, hoping they can come and visit Amy and me in Thailand sometime in the future. I spent the morning running around getting coffees and trying to arrange to meet people but everyone was busy. Never mind – I know you’ll always be there, somewhere.

A train to the city and more coffee as I met up with one of Amy’s best friends Jess as I was staying at her place right in the centre of the city. We went out for a big seafood dinner to celebrate another friend’s, Grace, birthday, joined by Muoy and Hakan. Amy had already prepped me to pay for the meal tonight as her gift to everyone and for Grace’s celebration. Grace kindly reciprocated by offering to take me to the airport a couple of days later.

Next day was a big run around and I’d been hitting my ten thousand steps easily for a few days now. In the morning I met Jess at the cafe where she works and got my first free coffee. We were heading to Chippendale to meet one of my friends who had opened her own cafe recently. Jess is thinking to do the same in Adelaide sometime in the future so Amy thought it would be a good idea to introduce them and for Jess to get some tips.

On the way there I ducked into another small cafe another Chatswood friend was working at and was offered another free coffee, gladly accepted as always.

In Chippendale, we found my friend’s cafe, the Bean Brewers. Jenny runs it with her husband and has managed to build up a good little business. They spent a long time looking for this place and are working hard, seven days a week, to make it a success. I met Jenny when she was just 16, ten years before, when she was working at my favourite cafe in Chatswood. She had moved to Australia from Vietnam to study and wanted to stay. Similar to my own story with Amy, a customer had taken a fancy to her and eventually they got married.

Once again, we all wished each other well and went on our way. Jess went back home whilst I went to my next appointment, this time at UTS, to see Bronwyn, Hayden’s mum, my ex-wife, the partner of all the 1994 diary entries you can find here. Twenty four years is a long time and things change and things stay the same. Bronwyn told me of some photos she had found of our time back in the UK and when I saw them later it was odd to look at the person in the photo that was me. I didn’t recognise them as me, though I knew it was obviously me.

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After lunch and during another coffee stop my 3pm appointment cancelled which I was actually a little grateful for as the temperature was soaring and I was starting to get sweaty. I headed back to Jess’ for a quick shower and recovery before heading out again to meet Jochen, at a pub just down the street.

Jochen arrived with his friend, from a meeting that they had just attended. Jochen works for the Goethe Institute and moved to Sydney with his wife, Sabina and kids, both of whom are a similar age to Hayden. They actually moved back and forth a couple of times before finally settling on Australia as the place to stay.

I first met Jochen, about 15 years ago I’m guessing, through a band he was playing in with a mutual friend. Although being from different countries within Europe, which becomes a little competitive, here we were suddenly comrades on foreign turf. I’m over dramatising but in some ways bonds are made through mutual conditions such as these.

The other thing that drew us together though was our musical interests and our roles within our own DIY music scenes. The connection was instant, an unspoken understanding of the way things had been, the way we were doing things now and the way we wanted to continue doing those things. I value Jochen’s friendship above most others – one of those friendships where you may not see each other for a couple of years and you can sit down and continue the conversation as if only a day had passed.

And of course, this was pretty much the situation we were in, having not been in much contact for the previous six months since leaving Sydney. I expected to be out for a couple of hours, perhaps drop by another friend working in a shop that night too.

Kicked off with interesting conversations with Jochen’s friend, a filmmaker, again about mutual musical interests, particularly the Dutch band The Ex (crazy thoughts arising about how to tour them through South East Asia and Australia), moving on to discussions about working with Japanese musicians for live film scores.

After he left we decided on another beer, and another, conversation free flowing, about our lives, our kids, our futures, about continuing to work together in one way or another and just about generally staying connected. Something that is so much easier to do now than it was in 1994.

All these thoughts could lead to longer stories that I will have to leave for now. But that night, my last in Sydney, the beers continued along with the stories and topics and we eventually stumbled out around 1.30am, I think, and on our respective ways.

In a blink, I was asleep and awake again, still drunk and almost voiceless as Grace whisked me to the airport and I jumped on the plane, last time for a while in Australia, hoping for more sleep, which didn’t come. But I was too drunk to care, too drunk to think. The perfect exit.

I walk my love in mornings gleam – 4th February 2018

February 4, 2018February 12, 2024 ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 4 Comments

How to write this? How to put my feelings into words, express my thoughts clearly. Maybe I can’t. So let’s just stick to the facts.

I was contemplating a visit to the UK before settling in to my new life in Thailand. Knowing my mother was probably in her last year and the timing was kind of right, it had suddenly become a possibility. I know I wrote just recently that I wouldn’t go back but something, I’m not sure what, made me reconsider. A couple of hours into my first night shift, I called my cousin, Sharon, to discuss.

Sharon was fine with the idea but did warn me that my mum was very ill now and it may not be the way I wanted to remember her. The doctors at the hospital, knowing a little about my mum’s wishes, had given her a good dose of antibiotics that hadn’t helped her much, so the decision was to switch to morphine for pain reduction and for her body to fight for itself. This seemed a good solution. If she had the strength she would recover, if she didn’t, she would be comfortable.

About an hour later, Sharon messaged me saying she had been called urgently to the hospital and perhaps another hour later she sent through a message, carefully worded, “Your mum has just silently faded away. No more struggle, just peace and tranquillity.”

Sharon had passed on my love whilst mum was still breathing and held her hand until she was gone.

Of course, this outcome was not unexpected, I guess we had all been gearing ourselves up for this moment and I was strangely calm. I sat at work, contemplating, thinking, sad but not emotional. I went over memories of my mother and they all provided me with comfort. I’m grateful her end wasn’t an extended suffering, around the other dramas of the palliative care ward. Grateful she had been happy in her last few months at the care home. In fact, my sadness is countered by everything she did for me, knowing that she was proud of what her son had achieved in his life. I will continue to make her proud. I just wish I could share these things with her.

I called Amy. She had just got back from an event and had had a couple or three beers and was in a tipsy chatty mood, so I let her talk and I sat and listened and loved her words, pouring out of her and into me. I soaked up her love and thought to myself, my mum has gone but my life is still complete. I have everything. I am happy.

When Amy talked about my mum, I gently told her that she was gone and she couldn’t believe me. She burst into tears and apologised for talking all about her night and herself. I calmed her down, telling her it was just what I needed. As she continued to cry though I could feel myself starting to crack. I started pacing the office I was in and managed to stay positive. Amy insisted we go back to the UK for the funeral and I agreed, though not particularly for the funeral part but it presents us with the right opportunity to catch up with what is left of the family – something I now feel compelled to do.

I finished off my night shift and when I got home set about making new plans. As I was due to quit work in a few weeks anyway, it seemed to make sense not to bother coming back to Australia after going to the UK, instead ending up in Thailand. My son, Hayden, was also due to visit me in Adelaide the week before I was going to leave. So with a little bit of juggling and some flight changes, I’ll leave Adelaide to go to Brisbane to visit Hayden for a few days, then to Sydney, on to Thailand next, to pick up Amy to fly together to the UK.

All of this planning kept me busy and I ended up awake for around 30 hours before finally sleeping peacefully until the following morning, where I failed to get up with my alarm. No hurry now. No more work, no more night shifts.

Still calm inside, still quiet. Doubled meds, finishing off the codeines. I can’t wait to hold my little Amy in my arms again.

Goodbye mum. Thank you for everything you did for me.

Love you, always.

Nobody passes the test of time – 19th January 2018

January 20, 2018January 25, 2018 ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Time is short. Our time is short. Have you done everything you want to do yet? What do you want to do?

Do you already look back at a life fulfilled? Will anyone remember who you were once you’re gone? Next year, next century, next millennium?

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The week has been ok. It’s my last day of six twelve hour shifts, the last four as night shifts. I’m tired and slightly out of it.

We are often reminded of our fragility.

There’s always a lyric that can be found to echo my thoughts. Often, from Nomeansno.

Thin voices call out of thin air
“Do you really care?”
“Do you really care?”
There is no reason to be afraid
All of the bodies have been laid to rest
Nobody passes the test of time
The long climb
Into thin air
Thin air
There is no one there

You think you have time
You have no time

An image may be left in place
Of what was felt there is no trace
In words recited without a sound
By voices buried underground
There is no meaning to be found

“Do you really care?”
There is no one there
You think you have time
You have no timeThere are no castles without ghosts
And no spirits without hope
But nobody passes the test of time
You stand in line, you have your place
Then in the space of moments fall
From again and again and again
To not at all
From again and again and again
To not at all
I do not fear the buried sounds
Of words that echo underground
A memory is a loaded gun
And I remember everyone

I remember you..

“Do you really care?”
There is no one there
“Why are you scared?”
There’s no one there
You’re clean, strong, and free
Like you always wanted to be
You’re alone, alone, alone
There is no one there

You make dust from sand – 17th January 2018

January 18, 2018January 18, 2018 ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Each night shift I usually head out for my second coffee at around 10.30pm. Obviously, there’s no coffee shops open but luckily the OTR service stations are 24/7 – their catchphrase is ‘We never close’. Their coffee is not great but the caffeine quota is perfect.

There is an OTR about 15 minutes walk from the office so I can get a little exercise for bonus points too. The first time I went there I just followed the main road which was a little dull and unexciting, as trucks roared past on their night runs from warehouses to stores and others returned home from their evening adventures.

I looked at the map and found a parallel back street that is a million miles away from the dull orangey-yellow flourescence of the main road. The street lighting here is whiter and paler and mostly blocked out by trees. Some places are pitch black underfoot and you have to step heavily to avoid tripping on pavers raised by the roots of the trees. The other thing you notice is the quiet. No one is around, not even cats seem to bother with this street. You get a nervous excitement when someone else is walking on the street, will I get stabbed or punched or who knows. I generally call out a ‘hey’ as I pass and usually just receive a surprised grunt in return. Oh well.

Halfway down is one the opposite side I usually walk, there is a graveyard. I didn’t think too much about it until one night I decided to take some pictures. Some folks had decorated their relatives graves in Christmas lights which offers a jolly juxtaposition. I considered how some people find graveyards spooky but I think that is a result of the gothic architecture of some of the memorial stones. I mean what could happen here – everyone is dead already.

There’s a nice graveyard near where I live. Actually, Adelaide seems to be full of graveyards when I think about it. Anyway, this one is almost like a landscaped park, sectioned off to cater to different ethnicities, cultures and religions. Not so much of the olde Euro-gothic stonework. I had a nice walk around there one evening, only saddened when I came across a marker for someone who had died young. I thought about the lives these people lived, what they may have seen, which parts of the world they came from to get to Australia. I used to look at people in random non-descript places, walking the street or wandering the shops, and zap myself into their heads and try to look through their eyes and take on their entire histories that brought them to this place, right here, right now. A momentary flash of an existence that someone else lived, though nothing you can hold on to and maintain. Now I mostly just ponder my own existence and how someone I never met or knew might browse my death mark one day and wonder about my life. Round and round we go.

I was reminded of the times a few of us used to hang out drinking in a graveyard in Bournemouth before we would head to see a show at Capone’s just across the street. The time when we had finished school forever and took our old textbooks there, burned them on an old grave and then got drunk to celebrate our freedom.

But down this street there is little sign of life and to me, it is the perfect playground for childish mischief. But no kids are about, no underage drinkers in the park or graveyard, barely a barking dog or passing car. Is everyone tucked up nice and early in their neat clean houses, living the dream? Will I be doing that in my little piece of paradise being built in Thailand?

Talking of which, Amy was overrun with paint charts today, having to decide tonight the colours that would be in and outside our house. She asked my opinion, and I’m pretty easy, so I just said paint everything inside white. This is far too boring for her but she can’t tell if any colours that she does choose will work because it’s just too hard to imagine right now. Again, as a typical man looking for a quick solution, I told her to choose what she wants and if it doesn’t work out we can just repaint it later, no problem. I think by the time she went to bed she still hadn’t picked anything for the indoor colours.

Sleep in safety – 14th January 2018

January 14, 2018November 25, 2020 ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

After my last night shift ended on Friday morning I managed to force myself to stay awake until about 5pm, with the aid of cheap coffees from the local service station. I chucked down a couple of Panadeine in the hope they would ensure I didn’t wake up wide awake at 2am and they worked a treat. I’d forgotten to take my alarm setting off from last week so I was gently awoken at 5.50am to a mellow Beastie Boys tune. I picked up the phone and noticed Amy had sent a message whilst I was asleep. The message was a little disconcerting:

“If I died tomorrow just do what you want to do OK. Life is just today we don’t know what will happen.”

I still wanted to sleep some more but these words tumbled in and out of my consciousness. What motivated these words with no context at all? There was nothing I could do to answer this question right now and eventually I fell back to sleep for a few more hours.

Later she called me after she had just woken up. She sounded sleepy but happy. I asked her about her message and she told me she’d received some bad news about her school friend Fah.

I’ve met Fah a few times on previous visits to Thailand. An attractive girl who loves to eat and drink in nice places and works for Thai Airways. Last year she complained of stomach aches and went to the doctor to have some tests done. They discovered she had cancer and that it was quite advanced already but still hoped to be able to treat it with chemotherapy. She started that treatment but was often not healthy enough to be able to do it. The bad news came this week that they found the cancer advanced to her pancreas and that is was untreatable. She might only have 6 more months to live. 6 months ago she was fine (as far as she knew).

Amy said Fah’s parents were with her at the hospital in Bangkok and I mentioned how tragic it is for a parent to have to watch their child in pain and to lose them. Amy told me that Fah’s only sibling, her brother, was killed in a car crash years ago when he was just 11 years old.

I thought of my mother and how I hoped that she wouldn’t have to go through anything like this. She already lost her husband, my father, when I was just 18 months old. I thought of my son and how I hoped that I wouldn’t have to go through anything like this too.

Amy and I agreed that she should go and visit Fah as soon as possible. There’s nothing one can do, nothing one can say, except to give each other comfort.

—

It’s interesting to be posting my old diary entries – I haven’t read them since they were written. I can look back at certain events with a more distant eye and reflect on what my true motivations were at the time and ultimately how trivial they seem now that they are in the past. It was so serious to me at the time. I guess that’s the wisdom of age.

Right now though, I’m struggling with concentration and direction. I can’t get all my thoughts out quick enough and will have to come back and try again tomorrow.

All he wants to do is quietly breathe – 5th February 1994

February 5, 1994December 27, 2023 ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

This week has been fantastic. I’m so in love with life. I found a couple of Steve’s letters – one about Fuck Around and one about the time he and the guys all came down from Southampton. In that one, he says something like – all these experiences waiting to be had, all these people waiting to be met. He also says he is fed up with cynicism. Exactly how I feel too.

In these two short letters, he opened up to me more than anyone, he even thanks me for being there for him to write to. He was very honest and that earned him my respect.

I’ve not heard from Fatty since our move and I’m not inclined to get in touch with him. I don’t know exactly where he lives or his new phone number. Rob thought he might get in touch about the disco tonight but I can’t really see it! I wouldn’t mind taking him to Southampton but I don’t want to come under the effect of his black outlooks. Maybe he’s changed but I think he may be upset with me and doesn’t want to get in touch. He doesn’t want to sort things out and be my friend. Ha! It makes me wonder why he would think that I’d think he was my best friend?

While he stands still I want to move forward and I’m sorry if that means leaving you behind. Take care mate, whatever you’re doing.

Sat here listening to Cardiacs and my life seems so full of joy! Can’t wait for more.

Untouched Tombs – 15th December 1983

December 15, 1983June 9, 2024 ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

My body is turning purple with torture
– Set me free from this tortured womb
– From the carnage of this untouched tomb

My head spins in crazy undiminishing circuits
– Like the blood through my purple veins
– Who can tell what it contains?

Push the red button in my profiled face
– My bulging eyes will turn to grey
– It seems that nothing will take the pain away

The gravestones of my memory are dull and black
– The scented roses are screaming blue
– The dirt in my stomach is screaming too

The uncertain moods of painful emotion
– Make me sick with their tiring surprises
– Cos they hide behind so many disguises

My imagination has been hurtfully disturbed
– Been taken over by a rat with a disease
– The pains are bringing me to my knees

Set me free from this tortured womb
From the carnage of this untouched tomb
The blood fed through my purple veins
Who can tell what it contains?
The scented roses are screaming blue
The dirt in my stomach is screaming too
Emotion makes me sick with tiring surprises
Cos they hide behind so many disguises

The rats are in the battleground of my brains
Picking and clawing at the plate of remains
Destroying my soul in this tortured womb
Destroying my brains in the untouched tomb