Tag: medication

Lucia : Plume – 14th July 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 4 Comments

Lucia came out again to play
Threw on her eventide glow
Plume, a punishing gray raven
Is not the Lucia you all know

Submitted to Moonwashed Weekly Prompt – Eventide glow and when I searched this phrase I ended up in a totally different reality

Today I’m feeling:

Sore. My hip is a little bit more recovered, but I zonked out last night on an extra Tramadol, which saw me move very little and now I have a sore neck too.

The recent pain and annoyance of it has put me in a low mood and I have no motivation for anything much today.

Today I’m grateful for:

Not having anything in particular to get done today. I’m not in the mood for anything.

It wasn’t only late this afternoon that I remembered that I hadn’t taken any meds today, which may account for my low mood a little too.

The best thing about today was:

The workers have finally laid the concrete for the road and should all be good by tomorrow. Then we can see what needs to be done to join our road up with it.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy was pretty frustrated this morning after realising that the gardeners hadn’t bothered with one small part of the garden. She kept complaining to me but there’s nothing that I can do to help.

Something I learned today?

Thaksin has been given a royal pardon and will do something connected with the government again.

Review your acts, Good and bad.

I barely did anything either way! I did turn off the TV when we were eating, though, so that Amy and I could talk a little.

Another Utopia shot of me, this time reading Rip It Up and Start Again.

Cursed – 3rd July 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Incarnated into another low form
Cursed again to never feel a real peace
It’s too late now to wish I’d not been born
The struggle to survive will never cease
Next life, please guide me away from the storm
Let me take a turn at a life of ease
Shed this skin before an exchange of breath
A return to life in exchange for death

An Ottavo Rima poem on reincarnation, submitted to FOWC with Fandango — Cursed and Three Things Challenge #M742 – death, wish, peace

Today I’m feeling:

A little tired but happy.  I skipped exercise this morning as I was dead asleep from perhaps 10.30 until my alarm at 6 am. 

My body is definitely feeling the effects of that exercise yesterday morning, so I’m ok to skip today and try it again tomorrow.  It’s a kinda good tired feeling.

Today I’m grateful for:

Mee’s mum getting out of the hospital last night.  I had just randomly messaged Mee to see how she was, and she said that her mum had been suddenly rushed to the hospital.  

Happily, everything was ok.  I didn’t ask anymore about it. 

My guess is that it wasn’t as serious as Mee was making out, but I also know how important it is for her to have her mum back in her everyday life.

The best thing about today was:

Nong Praew told me that she has three dads.  Her dad, her mum and me!  That was nice to hear.  I know she struggles in my class, not just with what I’m teaching but also socially.

I don’t know how much of an effect her medicine has on her, but she can be a little hyper happy sometimes, though she knows who to show it to and who not to show it to.  I can understand why some students are put off by her, but as an adult, I can feel empathy for her.

She told me that she might move to Chiang Mai at some point because she is not happy at this school.  I’m not sure how much that will help her in the long run.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My most annoying student really pissed me off today as he pulled down his best friends pants whilst he had his hands full, in front of the whole class.  I asked him to leave and have since been talking to his homeroom teacher about what to do with him this time.

No previous warnings or punishments have had any effect and I believe they won’t have this time either.  I will see if I can switch from teaching his class because I’ve had enough of having to deal with him.

Something I learned today?

“Do you want some tea?” Is the new kids code word “Do you want some gossip”.  I found out this morning from JubJib that the gossip is that a group of grade 9 students from my old class are bullying Yurin in various ways.  I think I wrote here a few days ago about it.

Whilst Yurin is unlikely to be blameless in whatever is going on, the others shouldn’t be ganging up on her either.

Review your acts, Good and bad.

Kru NumNim was away from the grade 8 class this morning so I sat in and encouraged them to do their work which was a little tough as kids played and slept instead.  

By the end of the class, about 80% of the students had at least put something together.

This morning Nong Praew gave me some rice crackers as a gift for which I thanked her.  A few minutes later I met Lin and she looked very sad and thoughtful.  

She couldn’t or wouldn’t explain what was wrong, so I just patted her back and handed over the rice crackers for comfort.  I also sent her a message later on.

I Know What You’re Thinking – 23rd July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 23 Comments

Dieter, where did you come from?
And where are you going on that train?
A coat and cigarette keep warm
There’s a look on your face I can’t explain

Your eyes reflect the blur outside
You look lost in what’s gone past
Speeding headlong backwards, onwards
Out into the cold world so vast

Moving at speed whilst quietly sitting still
The dust of the morning on your mind
Stepping onto the platform, time stood still
As you contemplated what you’d find

When you look out, you’re looking for me
I don’t mean for me to be seen
I mean you’re seeing the things I see
Reflected in all the places that I’ve been

I recognise your heart and passion
I see you collecting everyone’s thoughts
The future is heading right toward us
As we must navigate these ports

inspired by the attached photo, written about at Spinning Visions blog
15th Mar 2024 – Submitted to dVerse ONL
19th Jun 2024 – Submitted to dVerse – traveling by train

Today I’m feeling:

Struggled to get up after a difficult sleep. It was still over 30 degrees in my bedroom at midnight so I had to shove the fan next to the open window again and by the time it was getting light, I started to feel cool. Having the weight of the two fish I ate last night sitting in my stomach didn’t help either. Finally, I slowly stretched, cobra, child’s pose, cat and cow and opened my eyes. I felt okay. I talked myself into riding my pushbike to Utopia and eventually (see picture below) am relaxing with caffeine, considering a third cup to cap it all off.

Today I’m grateful for:

Window polish/cleaner. And Amy. Combined they made the kitchen window clean again. Free of lizard shit, cobwebs and other detritus. I can see clearly again as I chug down a glass of water or wash out the cat bowls.

The best thing about today was:

Feeling like things are coming together around our house again as Amy tidies, cleans and rearranges everything to her fancy. When I’m here by myself I’m just living but when Amy is here with me it feels like home again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I guess the morning start going to Utopia with Tangmo following along was a little test as I had to leave again before I could even have coffee and ride back, taking Tangmo home. But I dealt with it with calm acceptance and just enjoyed the ride and tiring ‘mo out.

Something I learned today?

I must’ve learned something today! Oh! I read a couple of interesting interviews in the Punk Planet book. 

That whole book has me reevaluating certain things about my role within the punk/DIY scene. I think when you are deep in the middle of something like that you take it very seriously. Sitting a little outside of that scene now puts into clearer context how others might have viewed it at the time. 

One of the interviews was about a scene member’s frustrations with the changes he’d seen at the time (mid-90s) and it felt a little trivial in retrospect but I also understand that a lot of time has passed since and more world experience gathered.

Of more interest was the other interview about protests about the gearing up for bombing Iraq in 1998. 

The interviewee was from our scene but had somehow found himself on live TV (CNN) addressing the warmongers in the US government. In the interview, he was hopeful about the movement of protest against this but history ended up differently as political manipulations saw to it that Iraq would be crushed and crippled for a long time. 

Almost every on-the-ground report I have heard was about how welcoming the average Iraqi was to strangers. The same propaganda that is currently loose on Russia and China must not be allowed to lead to military conflict. 

But the warmongers will continue to beat their drums until the tide of opinion is so overwhelming that it cannot be ignored. 

We hoped for that in 1998. Hoped for it in 2003. Hoped again and again. As situations in the most powerful Western countries deteriorate maybe we are edging nearer that change. Perhaps the world is waking up.

What are some things that help me feel calm and relaxed?

Meditation seems to help a little though I’m never quite relaxed when actually doing it. Perhaps the accumulation and habit is part of this process. Exercise helps too. I still don’t use my body enough but I’m slowly getting there.

Medication has ironed out my wavering emotions and I’m comfortable with that. 

I took this picture because crazy Tangmo ran beside me as I rode my push bike all the way to Utopia. Crazy dog. He was scared when I sat down because he wasn’t sure where he was. He couldn’t come in and if I came in he would’ve scratched at the door so there was nothing to do except ride him back home and come back for coffee on the motorbike as it was hot and sunny by then.

Upside – 31st May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It’s so precious to see you smile again
Stepping down from the chair
Panic may still grip the heart at times
But I know you’ll still be there

The promises the liars gave you
Cheated your belief into ease
But reality hits like a punch to the gut
And your dreams just become a tease

Let’s go forward together into the dark
There’s nothing that can kill us
We’ll turn apathy upside its head
And only love will ever fill us

Inspired by a student I helped get to the psychiatrist, take some meds and get counselling. Still suffering anxiety and a tough life, it definitely made an impact to see a face that hadn’t smiled for a long time.

Today I’m feeling:

Very good. Got up earlier, my back was still stiff and sore but did a workout and meditation. I enjoyed all my classes and had a good time with students outside of class too, though it is ridiculously hot and everyone is complaining. They still run around playing volleyball, some still with jumpers on and begging me to come and join them. I tell them to wait until winter.

Today I’m grateful for:

Some of my students energetically fanning me with their homemade paper fans or now, many students have little USB fans, some that hang around the neck and they let me borrow them. It’s better than dripping sweat on them, though it is barely enough to cool down!

The best thing about today was:

The fact that I can’t think of anything, in particular, to put here but that I had a very enjoyable and happy day.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Again, there’s nothing really for me to add here either. Any minor things that felt out of control were easily subdued and dealt with without any drama.

Something I learned today?

I’ve been occasionally checking out videos about classroom management and getting students’ attention back and I often come across some good ideas but then forget about them completely. Part of this is because my two new classes this year are much better behaved than the ones who started last year (though I came to love them all somehow). There are still a couple of disruptive students but in a class of thirty that’s fine. Last year about half of each class was disruptive. Er… so what have I learned today? Umm.

What is one thing I learned about myself this month?

I can bounce back. I can keep going without (much) complaint. I can find the positive. Have I become an optimist? Not quite. I don’t think I’ve ever been really pessimistic except in the throws of depression. I think I’m more of a realist which is casting an optimistic view over pessimistic situations.

I took this picture because I’m hoping that this is the beginnings of a storm tonight.
Later – there’s rumbling and a light show but it seems like it might be circling around elsewhere.
Even later – everything disappeared.

Friendly Gangsters – 18th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It all started as a lark
Making fun of those deserving
It bites as much as a bark
A record worth preserving

Upsetting difficult targets
Crooks hiding in plain sight
Questioning illegal profits
Someone serving the people right

A freedom of expression
Something democracy holds dear
Suddenly under suppression
For making a crime more clear

Unafraid to twist the knife
Further for all to see
At this risk of his own life
And the right to remain free

A legacy built by crooks
Hiding behind shirts and ties
An ever-constant cooking of books
And truths in fuzzy disguise

Though when money starts tasting sour
A problem must be burned
Friendly gangsters hold the power
That the people want returned

A David and Goliath fight
When many Davids band together
And shank with all their might
To topple corruption forever

Inspired by the firebombing of investigative YouTuber Jordan Shank’s (friendlyjordies) house and the corruption within the New South Wales government.

Today I’m feeling:

Tired, possibly getting sick. After visiting the psych last week we decided to try cutting down on my sertraline. I did that on Wednesday, taking just half a tablet. Then on Thursday I forgot to take it at all and didn’t sleep well that night due to my student being killed.

On Friday, yesterday, I took half again but was so tired I got into bed at around 8pm.

This morning I took half and started to feel dizzy in the morning. I know dizziness is a withdrawal symptom but with the possibility of getting sick too and not being able to relax this weekend, I don’t think I can deal with it back at school on Monday.

Today I’m grateful for:

The lunch provided at the hotel today which was more delicious than expected. Usually, there’s nothing I can eat at these kinds of functions and I would’ve happily gone without food but luckily there were two fish dishes, both of which were spicy. One had a dressing of red onions, lemongrass, ginger and chilli and I hoped it would knock the potential of this sickness out of me.

The best thing about today was:

Learning some new programs and applications that I can use for presentations. Despite only Thai being spoken all day it was simple to follow and interesting enough for me. At points, I was also able to catch up with some online reading as I waited for others to catch up.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The main thing out of my control today is tiredness and the feeling of getting sick. I will handle it by going to sleep early again tonight.

Something I learned today?

Scientists have been able to splice genes in certain breeds of mosquitos so that they will become sterile and die out over a period of time. The question being asked now is whether to introduce it into the wild and what possible consequences could arise from it.

Where do I feel most at ease?

Despite smelling of cat pee right now I’m very obviously most at ease in my home. I love it.

I took this picture because I started using honey in my tea as we ran out of sugar. The honey I bought is pretty old and doesn’t quite dissolve properly anymore so this is what I find after leaving my mug in the sink overnight.

谁他妈抽了我的中南海? – 26th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

“a parent catching her child with cigarettes and forcing him to smoke the whole pack.”

Despite my father dying of lung cancer when I was a baby, my mother kept smoking for another 15 to 20 years after, then gave up in her early 60s and lived for another 20 years, though she suffered from COPD in the last 5 or so years which restricted her a lot.

I grew used to her smoking though I actually have no real memory of her puffing on a cigarette. Of course it was only natural her naughty son would steal an occasional cigarette, find a way to light it and go off down the end of the garden and practice smoking. I could be an adult too.

It was a great game. Waiting for my mother to leave her packet unattended, gradually sneaking a couple more each time. I was never caught but I’m guessing she knew. When I had upgraded to smoking in my bedroom I would get caught once or twice and my mum just tutted and asked where I got the cigarettes from to which I would guiltily lie. She couldn’t really say much without looking like a hyprocrite.

I also upgraded to stealing my grandfather’s beer which he kept stored in an outdoor shed. I loved the feeling alcohol gave me. I also remember being able to open my gullet so the liquid went straight down without gulping. A talented 13 year old I was becoming.

When my mum gave up smoking I had already started earning my own money and had developed my own addiction. I was proud of her giving up. I still hated myself too much to try. It wasn’t until much later when my son was born that I eventually stopped and that took a huge effort. At that point I was still secretly smoking at work and stuffing down packets of mints so my wife wouldn’t detect it. But eventually I stopped.

I still have dreams about that and sometimes I hit lucidity within the dream and wonder about the fact that I still smoke sometimes. It’s a weird feeling. I really hate the smell of burning cigarettes now and try to avoid going to bars and restaurants where smoking is permitted, something which is still common throughout Asia.

If the Chinese want to make a silent protest towards their government they should surely quit smoking and stop that tax money ending up in the pockets of their leaders! But cigarettes are like a handshake there, a different cultural definition.

Anyways, I was never forced to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes fortunately, though everyone knew the story of some kid that it had been forced upon. Did it ever happen or is it just urban legend?

This is England….

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I could quickly get over an injustice towards me.
I am so happy and grateful that I don’t have to teach today because the students are doing exams.

To-do list

  • Finish death course ✅
  • Read the Bandcamp article ✅
  • Staple exams
  • Write a blog post ✅
  • Practice eye gaze technique ½

A long day stuck in the classroom with nothing to do but read, which was OK, just a little lacking in stimulation. My eyes hurt from looking at the screen so much.

I went to the psychiatrist after school and got new medication. I mentioned to him I had had a difficult emotional event on Monday but after a short period of time I have managed to overcome it. It felt good to tell him about this.

It later got me thinking about how much I trust this person to open up to because I feel a little judgemental towards him as he is from a different culture. Is that fair? Probably not. But it is important to talk to someone you feel comfortable with.

In the evening we went to Nong Nik’s graduation dinner. Amy drank quite a lot and showed a lot of love and affection to her mum. As we drove home though she was very animated about her frustrations with living in Thailand. It’s an ongoing source of concern and I’m not sure how to help. Moving back to Australia isn’t a very realistic option for us at the moment.

I am also not quite happy at the moment either. This could be connected with Kimi’s death which has made me re-evaluate things somewhat. Amy says I can quit school any time and she will go work in Australia. This is a possibility but I still would like to see if I can remain happy at a school and learn to deal with the stupid events better.

Thursday is another easy day of teaching and I will try to enjoy it as much as I can, stay in the present. Remember to breathe, remember you could die tomorrow. Let’s try not to make anyone cry today.