Tag: memento mori

Smoke Over Toribeyama – 21st December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

If this is the last time I see you
Remember the love I had for you
Recall the tender times, the loving touch
Hold it for a second
But don’t be afraid to let it go
I may be a ghost in your rooms
Always close, felt but not seen
Be as you always were
Because that is what made me love you

*title from Toshida Kenko

We flatter ourselves by thinking this compulsion to please others an attractive trait: evidence of our willingness to give. We play roles doomed to failure before they are begun.

Joan Didion

Today I’m feeling:
Today I was happy until I got a little bit stressed. Amy was calling me during the class because our electricity got cut off. When I got home, I started to feel exhausted
Today I’m grateful for:
The electricity people who restored our electricity quickly after we paid our bill. It looks like we may have been without electricity overnight, but luckily, they could restore it in time so that when I got home, everything was okay.
The best thing about today was:
Sending four of my smarter kids off to do a little project task and asking them to design another task for the rest of the class to do. They were a little bit incredulous at me asking them to do this and one of them, Sheena, jokingly said: “oh so we’re the teachers now?” I kind of said yeah! Actually, it’s more like the kind of work they used to do previously when they were doing integrated study and the level I have to teach them at now, it’s too easy for these kids, just these four, maybe a couple of others. Anyway, they seem to enjoy the challenge and I keep pushing them a little bit harder. Unfortunately, it means I have to teach one class, but two different groups at two different levels all at the same time which is a little bit challenging for me though I think it will be better in the end.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
So, out of my control today was the fact our electricity got cut off because the bill hadn’t been paid. I thought that I had paid it back when we were in Phuket at the beginning of the month but it looks like either the payment didn’t go through or I ended up forgetting to finish it off because there were too many problems with the app and the payment system. So in the middle of my class, Amy was calling me over and over and over again because she was at home with no electricity. Eventually, I returned her call and I tried to find information on my phone about when I paid the bill, but I had kids hassling me for their work and taking care of them and I was getting a bit stressed trying to multitask and then Amy calling back again and asking if I found it. And finally, she called me back and said that she paid the bill, but she wasn’t sure if they were gonna have time to come and turn the electricity back on and she was obviously a little bit upset. For me, I was remembering something I was reading this morning which was ‘if there’s a problem that you can’t fix stop worrying about it and if it’s a problem that you can fix, then stop worrying about it’ and this was a problem but ultimately it was quite an easy fix so I tried to stay calm even when Amy still had an angry face when I got home. Everything is good now though. Crisis averted.
Something I learned today?
I should check that all the bills have been paid every couple of weeks just in case there’s any problem. I learned lots of other little things today, but this is one I have to remember
Where do you get your news?
I watch some commentary programs on YouTube and follow some writers in Substack but in general, I don’t follow the news enough to know what is going on everywhere and don’t see any need to. Most of it has no impact on me and if there’s something important that I do need to know about then someone will tell me.

I took this picture because….where the hell did these all suddenly come from and why are they here on the edge of this pot!?

To The Wolves – 9th December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The wolves are gathering
Circling their prey
Armed with razor claws
Wet teeth on display
Surrounded by enemies
Fallen down ill
Fears turned to acceptance
Of the coming kill
Hot breath drinks blood
Flesh torn and ripped
Life flows away
Once so tightly gripped
Now the hunger sated
Left in the soft snow
The body reconciles
The way we all go

The future of the human race will likely depend on our ability to transcend this tribalism and to see our fate as interconnected with everyone else’s.

Robert Greene

Today I’m feeling:
Happy and relaxed
Today I’m grateful for:
The confusion caused with communication in our school as there was a meeting in the afternoon that meant we didn’t have classes. It was not clear if we were supposed to attend this meeting, along with all the students and there was enough confusing information that it meant I could sneak away, come home and have a nice afternoon nap! I can see my attitude to miscommunication is positive when the outcome works in my favour like this and luckily in this part of the school everything generally works out like this. This was not the case in our other schools.
The best thing about today was:
Listening to the Pitchblende album at high volume after Amy went out for the night and I ate a weed gummy. I always liked Pitchblende and their music is not easy to latch on to. Last night took it to the next level. If I hadn’t been getting sleepy I would’ve listened to the whole album again. As it was I hopped into bed and fell asleep listening to the jazzcore podcast which was also terrific.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
As I was driving dad’s van back from our Mae Chan dinner, all the u-turns were closed off by police, which happens when a member of the royal family comes to visit Doi Tung and they want the motorcade to be able to smoothly pass on through. This meant we couldn’t make our exit for the last 200 metres home and we were instructed to pull over to the left and turn our lights off and wait for it to pass. Amy was a little frustrated and said “fucking stupid” and her dad was annoyed at where I pulled over and wanted to move 5 metres forward but everyone told him it doesn’t matter though by this time he’d jumped out of the car indicating he was going to drive now. He got back in the passenger seat and I was just bemused by everything. Amy’s dad has some weird reactions sometimes and I don’t get it at all. I can’t see any connection between the way Thai kids react and the way he does. It’s like an alien mindset to me that I just can’t understand. It seems to be cultural but most reactions I can see some sense in but sometimes his are just bizarre. I’m curious about how his thinking works! Anyway, I agree with Amy that it’s fucking stupid to inconvenience so many people like this (hundreds and hundreds of police have to stand around for up to six hours preparing for this)but there doesn’t need to be a reaction to it. In the end, we only had to wait a few minutes and I calmly sat and waited until we could go again and we were home without too much delay.
Something I learned today?
I’m writing this on Saturday morning and recalling events of yesterday and I know there are many small things I learned in passing, by reading, talking and interacting but nothing is stepping forward to announce itself right now. It’s one of those days of learning whilst not knowing you’re learning. Accumulating knowledge, stored in the brain bank and used subconsciously. Today I will try to be more conscious.
In what ways are you good at your job?
I’m good at my job in that I can make the students feel like they are having fun whilst learning a little. I come up with ideas for classes and I try to gauge my student’s feelings and abilities and help them when I can. I’m flexible, patient and understanding. Really these are not specific skills for my job of being a teacher but more for life. Life is my real job. Am I good at that? I’m still a student in that regard and hope to always be.

I took this picture because Cap was super chilled and sunk into the sofa, lost in his fur. No new pictures today so this is a default fallback cat pic!

Final Absence – 30th April 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

How to live is about how to die
Looking through this lens of a mountain
Any amount of life is enough
Let’s make do with its meaning
Dusting off the childhood discoveries
The horizon’s shimmer slows us down
The trees and the tides restless
Colours that are no longer heard
Time collapsed, reappears or not
These are the stranger things
An empty glass sits on the table
Radiating a crystal eternity
The night turns to different shades
So savour its infinite richness
The fires are burning from the inside
Bodies black and grey, becoming ash

inspired by Maria Popova writing about Stel Adnan’s ‘Shifting the Silence’

Many situations in life are similar to going on a hike: the view changes once you start walking. You don’t need all the answers right now. New paths will reveal themselves if you have the courage to get started.

James Clear

Brain dump (by mouth) – 13th September 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Cappuccino walking slowly something wrong – But he can’t explain why – just a funny cry
Why cats can’t speak our language – Why we can’t speak theirs – Old man – Looks old acts old – His hair still beautiful Looks Still beautiful – Must prepare for the inevitable – We love him very much
Neck cranky – Slept okay – Stretch And yawn
Temporary crown keeps falling out when eating – Annoying but funny
Speaking still weird I think I’ll go back to writing

And so ends the attempt to dictate morning pages

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my shirts and shorts. I’m thinking about all the t-shirts I have owned over time and what they meant to me.

谁他妈抽了我的中南海? – 26th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

“a parent catching her child with cigarettes and forcing him to smoke the whole pack.”

Despite my father dying of lung cancer when I was a baby, my mother kept smoking for another 15 to 20 years after, then gave up in her early 60s and lived for another 20 years, though she suffered from COPD in the last 5 or so years which restricted her a lot.

I grew used to her smoking though I actually have no real memory of her puffing on a cigarette. Of course it was only natural her naughty son would steal an occasional cigarette, find a way to light it and go off down the end of the garden and practice smoking. I could be an adult too.

It was a great game. Waiting for my mother to leave her packet unattended, gradually sneaking a couple more each time. I was never caught but I’m guessing she knew. When I had upgraded to smoking in my bedroom I would get caught once or twice and my mum just tutted and asked where I got the cigarettes from to which I would guiltily lie. She couldn’t really say much without looking like a hyprocrite.

I also upgraded to stealing my grandfather’s beer which he kept stored in an outdoor shed. I loved the feeling alcohol gave me. I also remember being able to open my gullet so the liquid went straight down without gulping. A talented 13 year old I was becoming.

When my mum gave up smoking I had already started earning my own money and had developed my own addiction. I was proud of her giving up. I still hated myself too much to try. It wasn’t until much later when my son was born that I eventually stopped and that took a huge effort. At that point I was still secretly smoking at work and stuffing down packets of mints so my wife wouldn’t detect it. But eventually I stopped.

I still have dreams about that and sometimes I hit lucidity within the dream and wonder about the fact that I still smoke sometimes. It’s a weird feeling. I really hate the smell of burning cigarettes now and try to avoid going to bars and restaurants where smoking is permitted, something which is still common throughout Asia.

If the Chinese want to make a silent protest towards their government they should surely quit smoking and stop that tax money ending up in the pockets of their leaders! But cigarettes are like a handshake there, a different cultural definition.

Anyways, I was never forced to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes fortunately, though everyone knew the story of some kid that it had been forced upon. Did it ever happen or is it just urban legend?

This is England….

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I could quickly get over an injustice towards me.
I am so happy and grateful that I don’t have to teach today because the students are doing exams.

To-do list

  • Finish death course ✅
  • Read the Bandcamp article ✅
  • Staple exams
  • Write a blog post ✅
  • Practice eye gaze technique ½

A long day stuck in the classroom with nothing to do but read, which was OK, just a little lacking in stimulation. My eyes hurt from looking at the screen so much.

I went to the psychiatrist after school and got new medication. I mentioned to him I had had a difficult emotional event on Monday but after a short period of time I have managed to overcome it. It felt good to tell him about this.

It later got me thinking about how much I trust this person to open up to because I feel a little judgemental towards him as he is from a different culture. Is that fair? Probably not. But it is important to talk to someone you feel comfortable with.

In the evening we went to Nong Nik’s graduation dinner. Amy drank quite a lot and showed a lot of love and affection to her mum. As we drove home though she was very animated about her frustrations with living in Thailand. It’s an ongoing source of concern and I’m not sure how to help. Moving back to Australia isn’t a very realistic option for us at the moment.

I am also not quite happy at the moment either. This could be connected with Kimi’s death which has made me re-evaluate things somewhat. Amy says I can quit school any time and she will go work in Australia. This is a possibility but I still would like to see if I can remain happy at a school and learn to deal with the stupid events better.

Thursday is another easy day of teaching and I will try to enjoy it as much as I can, stay in the present. Remember to breathe, remember you could die tomorrow. Let’s try not to make anyone cry today.

Don’t you forget about me – 1st January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Thankfully, I didn’t drink much last night so woke up early and started doing a few things and the day has ended up quite well. A few ideas for more things I’d like to do this year. Slowly, my man cave is getting in order.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to my old friends, who are busy now, as we all are, but haven’t forgotten about me. I won’t forget about them either.

Weight: 80.5kg
Resting heart rate: 47

My friend Rosie, in Sydney, posted on facebook an offer to draw/paint pictures to send to friends and so I picked Jochen (Hinterlandt), Kyaw Kyaw (Rebel Riot) and Lachlan (Art As Catharsis). I can’t recall if I arranged for her to send out the actual pictures too but they all received them digitally around this time. A great philanthropic idea for sure and I was very happy to take Rosie up on her offer.

To-do list

  • Dye hair.
  • Sort more old writing and things in room.
  • Next Thai video and Drops.
  • Find something for teaching KT.
  • Wix forum options.

Did it list

  • Read 3 chapters.
  • Got up early.
  • Dyed my hair.
  • Recorded another TCRAH.
  • Sorted through old writing and letters.
  • Streamlined more online processes.
  • Installed forum options to WIX – looks achievable to do what I wish.
  • Heard some great new music.
  • Posted Rosie’s pictures to Jochen, Lachlan and Kyaw Kyaw.
  • Watched next Thai video and Drops x2.
  • Had long lazy buffet lunch with Amy.
  • Reacted calmly when discussing having to go to Chiang Mai on Sunday.

It was good to get up early and take advantage of the day. I’m glad I didn’t drink too much last night and though I did;t hang out much with everyone celebrating NYE I felt contented reading comics by myself.
I have to go to Chiang Mai next Friday to apply for my new passport and thinking about the best plan for going and coming back.
This afternoon we heard that Ting’s mum had died today and we discussed about going to Chiang Mai for the funeral. We will have to go and come back on Sunday. it’s not optimal but as Ting took the trouble to come to my mum’s funeral, it is the best thing for me to do. Ting has to fly all the way from the UK.

You may not wake up tomorrow.

What did I do well today?
What could I have done better?
– where was my self-control tested?
What will I do tomorrow?
How can I improve?
– what have I learned that will help me tomorrow?
Savour a memory from the past.

You may not sleep again.

You may think you don’t need teaching but you’ll need it when you’re old – 17th December 2019

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been spending what free time I have reading a lot this year and really getting into it.  English books are a little hard to come by here – there’s just one guy who sells secondhand books from his house here.  He’s a character – and not always particularly pleasant but his bigotry and short temper cracks me up more than offends.  When you hear another foreign immigrant being racist to other people (who don’t live here), it kinds of shines a different light on things in some ways.  Being English and white in this country is a double-edged sword – for me and for people judging me.  It’s an unusual situation to be in.

One time I was sitting in his shop chatting with him when two early 20-year-olds, backpackers, had been browsing and brought two books to him to ask the price. They then spent what seemed like an eternity, but in reality was only about 30 seconds, discussing if they could buy both and carry both. I could see our bookseller getting more and more agitated and eventually he grabbed the books off them and shouted at them to stop wasting his time. He handed one book back and said ‘Give me 100 baht for this one and get out of my shop!’ I couldn’t stop laughing.

The girls were discussing whether they could afford to spend another couple of dollars or be bothered to carry two books instead of one. It was a very inconsequential decision that they just couldn’t arrive at. To have someone unable to make this decision when an extra 100 baht would really make a difference to this guy was obviously frustrating. They also weren’t to know that he was late to take care of a friend of a friend who was dying of cancer. Something done out the goodness of his heart. Humans are complicated.

Anyways, I’ve been stocking up books, trying to build a library of my own.  Inspired by a friend’s room of books and old wooden shelves, which I always loved being in – to browse, to consider, to wonder, to breath in that mysterious air of hidden words.  I once went into an antique bookshop in Albury and immediately told the owner that I wasn’t going to buy anything but I just wanted to look and smell the books.  He was quite agreeable.

When moving from Oz to Thailand I grew accustomed to letting go of things that I had held with some regard.  Of course, the things I held really dear I shipped over.  It’s a good catharsis to sell or gift things that you own though.  It’s not like we can keep them forever anyway.

I also remember a quote from a writer, maybe Marquez, along the lines of ‘one must die with a library of mostly unread books.’  Not sure my wife agrees with this philosophy but that’s probably why my office/library/man cave is in a room outside my house.  I look through the books contemplating what I’m going to read next and can get excited with the possibilities. I turn my head as I’m sitting here and thinking about All Quiet On The Western Front, The Grapes of Wrath or Lord Jim?

On the iPad, which I use to read comics mostly, I’m thinking to start on Salman Rushdie’s Satanic Verses. It was the bookseller who got me interested in this as he mentioned it was banned in Thailand for some reason I forget now. He described the story a little bit to me and the idea seemed cool enough for me to give it a go. How can a country ban books these days when it’s so easy to transfer them digitally? I sent a copy of Animal Farm to a friend in China. Easy enough (and they’re still alive and free!).

The book I have been enjoying most is Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina. I’m not sure where I saw a recommendation for this, though I’m guessing it was from The Daily Stoic. I’m guessing this because as I read it I see those philosophical themes throughout. The characters are fascinating in their different beliefs and ideas and Tolstoy makes you feel sympathetic with everyone of them.

I was never a big reader when I was younger and I was thinking that a younger me would have dismissed ever trying this book. Why would I want to try and understand about Russian aristocracy from over 100 years ago? What did that have to do with me and my life now? Ah, the stupidity of youth. I’m often envious of those who have found this beauty in the world at a younger age than myself. Why am I late to the wisdom table!?

I can only hope that in my teaching I can inspire the kids to get there quicker than I did. When I look at all the ‘trouble-makers’ in my class I only see my own stupid face reflected in their eyes. Ah, the stupidity of youth. But I wouldn’t really wish it any other way – and what would be the point?

“And so from school to the outside world these morals you will take…”

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my dreams. I can meet old friends, people who are no longer in my life. They stay close to my thoughts and experience.

To-do list

  • Email to Aaron and float the TCRAH idea to him
  • Give more positive reinforcement to the kids
  • Compliment one of the other teachers
  • Follow up with Andrew about Indra
  • Check on the IEC lesson for the New Year’s week, maybe plan something else

Did it list

Wrote email to Aaron.
Made some arrangements with Indra for shows in Yogyakarta.
Up to date with Anna Karenina cliff notes.
Read 4 chapters of Anna Karenina.
Did 30 squats and weightless shoulder presses.
Posted to 1994ever blog.
Survived one testing class today!
Updated lessons to allow for the 2-day week at New Year’s.
Cleared some emails and Chrome tabs.
Brief online talk with Cake.

My regular English class were very testing today but I realised that my lesson plan was not so smart – the ideas were good but the execution was not so much.
I don’t really know how to get the class to settle back down again after some excitement. I think to improve I need to be more aware of the class dynamic and arrange my lesson accordingly. Don’t shove too much into it.
My other class went well though I still see room for improvement – it gave me an idea though, that hopefully makes the next lesson easier.

I got a headache, like a pillow – 12th December 2019

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

If you got nothing to talk about then there’s always the weather.  Over the last couple of years though, the weather has become a major conversation for most people.  Extremes are getting hit everywhere.  And now having said that……

It’s not just a surprise to me that it’s so cold here in North Thailand at the moment, even the locals say they’ve never felt anything like it.  We all probably forgot what it was like last year.  It’s a bit of a shock to the system though and apparently, this ‘winter’ cold will be over within the week.  It’s actually a nice temperature but I can’t enjoy it because everyone got sick and thought it best to share it with me, so I’ve been rugged up and sleeping it off for what feels way too long.  Hanging out daily with hundreds of sick kids doesn’t help much either.

Another annoying thing is that the temperature had just become appropriate to crack open the bottle of Malt Whiskey I’d been sitting on since last year.  After a couple of nights of enjoyment, the sickness took hold.  Maybe it’s related?  When it’s not school holidays I’ve pretty much stopped drinking now, so I’m a bit out of practice.  This has had some positive health effects in that I’ve lost a little bit of weight without having to do any exercise.  I would like to do some exercise though but……I’m fucking sick.

Anyway, in between working and coughing I’m also in the middle of planning a ten-day or so South East Asia tour for Worlds Dirtiest Sport from France, which is basically Kevin from Trumans Water and his one-man band.  I’m very excited about this.  It’s a great excuse for me to get to see some other parts of Southeast Asia that I haven’t visited yet, to enjoy watching Kevin play each night and to discover the local scenes and bands there.  As well as catching up with some old (and newer) friends.

Whilst doing this I also have to arrange myself a new UK passport, as that is what my Thai visa is attached to.  I got this Australian passport that I’ve never used and not sure when I’ll be able to!  This will mean having to make two quick trips to the British Embassy in Chiang Mai on working weekdays.  This is my opportunity to use the word palaver.

20191212_180145_1576148545420
those days

Dealing with the moving targets of Thai bureaucracy has hardened me somewhat to the bullshit bureaucracy I had to deal with in Australia and the UK with all the visas, passports and information requirements. This time should be a cinch.  Famous last words.

20191110_111903_1576148610845
these days

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be around the kids at school. Even if they are shitbags they never fail to make me smile many times a day. I can go home with those smiles and forget about how little they actually learned.

Did it lists

“You may not wake up tomorrow”

What did I do well today?
Where were my discipline and self-control tested? Where did I do good?
What did I do bad and why did this occur? Furthermore, how can I improve?

  • Wrote in gratitude journal.
  • Understood more about my students.
  • Prepped next week’s regular class worksheets.
  • Downloaded Daily Stoic Introduction and saved to Drive.
  • Cleared a bunch of emails.
  • Added more books to ‘to read’ list.
  • Finished another lesson plan.
  • Contacted Indra and the venues in Kota Kinabalu.
  • Sorted bookshelves a little.
  • Helped Amy with some planning for students.
  • Read Mark Manson article.
  • Posted gratitude to new friends on FB.

You’re Only Gonna Die – 5th May 1984

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Enjoy and enjoy your life
It’s the only one you’ve got
Enjoy yourself but don’t shit on others
Save yourself, it’s worth a lot
So when someone hits you in the eye
Just get up and cry ‘I’m only gonna die!’

4th June 1984 – I’d already figured out life’s pointlessness but it hadn’t started crippling me yet. I hadn’t heard of Stoicism or memento mori yet either.