Thoughts Of Mine – 8th September 2021

I spent a lot of time not thinking
And at the time that was OK
Sometimes I fall back into it
Although I’d rather not be that way

The more I know, the less I know
Is what I think all the time
Never ignorant and not much blissful
I question these thoughts of mine

The eternal search for answers
In the minutiae of each minute
No longer wanting to be out of it
I’d rather spend my time within it


Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to the 2 guys who cleaned my car yesterday. They did a good job and I was happy to pay and tip them.


New pen – 0.4, maybe a little too fine for this book. Perhaps I look forward to another pen shopping expedition. Pen lovers will know the feeling.

I’ve managed to get myself up and out of bed on time successfully for the past three days and do a little exercise in the morning, and it has paid off today with a fantastic feeling of bodily relief. Not quite the feeling of youth but at least some extra flexibility that seems to make it even easier to breathe. Let’s see if I can force myself up tomorrow morning!

I savoured my coffee after my first class this morning. It’s fucking hot and humid bu there was a light refreshing breeze of cool air as I sat outside House stroking Tokyo’s soft furry head as she dozed. A few minutes studying Thai, a couple of quick poems dashed off and then an hour-long drive into the lives of an Afghan girl in the book I’m reading – A Thousand Splendid Suns. It’s a very spacious novel, perhaps enjoyable for me as I can fill in the gaps with my own knowledge. A lot can happen in a short few pages and it feels immense. Especially when I think back to the mundanities of my own youth, a million of those mundanities would happen in just one day. With age, everything seems to take so long!

I bought a MIDI keyboard more than six months ago and I enjoyed fiddling with it for a while but I know that I need to set aside a serious amount of time to really get further with it. Last night I also felt like I’d hit a wall with playing guitar, but that one I feel I can overcome.

I also chatted online with Mungo a little yesterday, too and I talked to him about how he manages being so far away from his oldest kids. His kids seem a bit more settled than Hayden at the moment, so he’s not so concerned with how they are doing.

Anyway, Mungo highlighted to me not to project myself or my feelings onto Hayden, which sometimes is difficult, as he isn’t very open about what is going on with him a lot of the time. But it’s a point well said – I shouldn’t fill in the gaps.

Mungo also offered Hayden a job for a while if he could get himself to the UK. That would be an awesome opportunity for him and I want to sound him out about it. I would help him get there too if he needed.

Yeah – I’m not digging this pen – will pick up a 0.7 tomorrow.

We got that attitude! – 28th December 2020

I am so happy and grateful for my cousin Mungo. He reminds me of me when I was younger. Searching for truth and meaning in different places. I’m still searching but have a better idea of where to look more that I’m older.

To-do list

  • Clear stage 4 guitar ½
  • Study more Ableton
  • Find things that you can do for others ½
  • Find a suitable git for Amy
  • More drawing

I’ve been feeling pretty good all round since I started getting up early again and doing minimal exercise, yoga and meditation. It seems to give me the energy I need for the day.

Going for coffee now is my time to study Thai. I don’t stay much longer than necessary as I used to. It was nice to hang out with George and Dylan at De Lanna in the mornings but it was getting a little repetitive. We would also often stay quite a long time and the coffee is no good now Manow has left and it wasn’t great to start with.

It was a little difficult to break away from doing this each morning and I think George took it a little personally. I also was overthinking everything but all is fine now. I also wanted to spend more time focusing on language learning and it would be kinda rude to do that whilst in company.

I didn’t tell them that I was studying much more as I didn’t want any external pressure about it. I put enough pressure on myself. I’m making slow but steady progress. I challenge myself to do three apps worth of study every day. Some of it is sticking.

I recorded the last Chiang Rai Alternative Hour this week. It’s been fun to focus on that for this past 12 months or so during lockdowns and no travel. I’d like to spend some more time just listening to and enjoying music again. Something which I’m doing as I write this.

I have a few other things I’d like to do more of as well, such as drawing, improving at guitar, learning more about Ableton and reading more. I have to remember that I have lots of time.

Consciousness has plagued us and we cannot shake it – 8th September 1994

The Dolphin Coffee House.

The first floor, walk-through coffee house, shops either side. A convenient stop off for the weary-legged customer, the long day shop assistant, the young writers brief discussions about the rights and wrongs of last week’s deal.

A comfy spot to relax with your cuppa, read some, contemplate. The brown, old ladies sit for a while, looking at the birthday cards bought for granddaughter, still in nappies. New life, old life.

The young suits come in pairs. Tall, dark, handsome, slicked-back hair, striking ties. Empties two sugars and stirs. Stirring, stirring, with a brief look around to survey the surroundings. Tapping cigarettes, preparing the soft tobacco end, smooth for phosphor ignition, sit and blow smoke sideways. The unwritten politeness.

What important discussions take place?

One arm gesturing, in control of the conversation, subliminally talking down to their colleague – the stronger voice sat back in chair, one arm draped over the adjacent seat. The other, the second suit, sat forward attentive, affirming, nodding agreement.

An older gentleman in bright blue uniform trousers and lighter blue shirt sits alone, sipping and smoking too, ruminating his garden and the weeding to be done this afternoon after their part-time cleaning jobs is done in some fancy department store. He loves his job and loves his garden. Happy that life has dealt him this hand of loneliness. Happy to be alone, at one with himself and his flowers. Peace and content reflected in each delicate petal, tenderly cared for by shabby hands.

Young mothers gossip like geese while little blue points and gesticulates, standing on chairs like only children can get away with. Mother shines, peaches and cream complexion, the rosy glow of life come forth from their loins. Shine like only a mother can shine.

A slinkily dressed young lady shop assistant sits cross-legged, clothes draping her figure with the latest cream and fawn fashion. Blond hair, neat and proper, bob-like fashionite. Resting her feet and toying with her hair, twisting it around her delicate bone-coloured fingers. Adjusts herself in her seat as her skirt fell open to show soft smooth legs, not for our eyes. She sits and waits, until heated up food is ready. She stands and takes the gourmet. Her game is up. She walks backs back to the hairdressers.

Delicate fingers, hair fanatic.

The suits are on their second cigarette – same positions.

The food and coffee counter tempt with their starry lights pinpoint huge rolls stuffed with mashed egg mayonnaise, ham and tomato. Two green-pinnied ladies run around filling cups and passing plates. The orange juicer bubbles away in back, attracting eyes from the queue. Another, younger green-pinny wanders around collecting lip-sticked cups and emptying cigarette butts into a plastic tub.

Great circular light hand from the squared false ceiling, low light. A tender background, while sun streams in the huge bay-type windows, picking up the greenness of the plastic fauna. The plants are so real they look fake. Large green pillars dominate the open plan room, holding up ceiling, pushing down floor. Not easy negotiation for the wheelchair bound. The floor swiped clean is roman mosaic marble, green calm and white calm. Not many fights and arguments in this place, I’d bet, as the eyes take in the subliminal peace and serenity.


Here I am, set to embark right into the heart of the modern world – sick as I am of it, I’m never far away. All this would be here going on, even if I was out picking fruit in the depths of central Australia. Does fruit grow there? Does anything grow there? But I’ll go and pick that fruit to gain some sense of balance, to furthermore realise the madness that young writers detailed all those moons ago, predicting the sad, mad world of consumerism and mass marketing.

Sucked in to the corporate dream by Ronald and Mickey, because it’s simply easier. All these lives wandering around me as I sit here watching. They are not sad, they are laughing and smiling and talking. All making the best of themselves against the odds, none wishing to search for a better place. A better place in their souls. I’m still searching though. If not for them, for myself. My frustration is my knowledge of better things.

My guts churn to watch young families reared on Nintendo and McDonalds – but to strike away is too difficult, trapped then and content to make the best of it. Happy with one’s lot. I’m lucky I have a sense of strength and good circumstance to act against it in my own sweet way.

With some trepidation I’m heading for the city. The biggest cattle market of human carnage and despair. With a bright smile, I’ll cheer them along. With calm words, I will sooth their tempers. With a gentle touch, I’ll invade their hearts with happiness.

So, I take it upon myself to make a difference, to make my life count. To stand for something I believe in.


The suits are still here, puffing away, choking down endless coffees and another hairdresser lady pops over for her vittles. Spotted a mile off, long auburn hair, beautifully shiny, bobbing with the sway of the cool walk, hips sexually rocking in motion. Cream blouse and chic black trouser out of the catalogue of Barbie’s house. She’s cool as an iceberg in the Sahara, confident and sophisticated, she takes no shit from her boyfriend, who come and go, unable to keep up with her requirements and expectations. Not your average woman’s magazine reader. More likely the writer of forward-thinking woman’s articles for her juniors.

Now, some joggers enter, the sports complex upstairs much be open. Tow ladies, pre-Badminton, ordering juices and mineral waters. Elegant legs, muscles tight with energy packed inside clinging lycra. Bundles of lightning waiting to explode with reflex and dexterity. Particular ladies. They imitate each other in their seats like a mirror is between them. I suspect they are in love.


Cafe

(Sickly aroma of coffee, strong and white,
invades my earth-damaged nostrils
tuck into great chunks of cheese and tomato
watch and observe, chew slow on that bread)

Green tiles, green lines, calm the nerves
of old ladies with grandchildren in tow
watch them and wonder, how they came
and later, how they go

The suited young men pontificate and gesture
to juniors, cigarettes in either hand
the sporting gay lovers imitating each other
before playing games earlier planned

Couples, lovers, single-parent mothers
the beautiful hairdressers, all stop by and eat
to put their old feet up, sit for a second
before heading back down to the lonely street.


The hum of life, the sweet vibrations, constant flow, liquid movement, the tension, the stress.

In brief, 14 tea chests packed, left on Monday, me waiting patiently outside reading Jack in the sunshine and waiting past deadline time, til little sprinkles of rain start descending earthward, teachestward, but it soon passes and eventually a lorry and it’s drivers come and take away all my precious belongings, safe journey, see you on the other side!

And day later we send more stuff via the Postal Service which costs us a ton of money but hell, it’s got to be done.

So now we have about four suitcases full of things to live with for the next three weeks, and in fact for eight more after that, as the chests won’t arrive till mid November somewhen. It’s like a relief now they are gone, we have no control over their destiny so we absolve ourselves from any worry, not that we worry much in the household anyway. Good fortune follows our good outlooks, only good things can happen to us.

Broni cracks a little, had enough of repeating the same lines to everyone we meet about our plans, she wants to be alone. With me. But we can’t get away from the people living in this house and all the appointments we’ve made, I’ve accepted that but it is somewhat easier for me to digest as I am on my lonesome during the day. I brighten her up with some love and affection.

Later, Lisa comes round with her new man friend, Jonathan, and they take us to the Bermuda Triangle Bar and we feed up on gossip and Budweiser on draft (lordy!), time rattling by we leave drunk as skunks, happy to see friends and be in their company, not sad yet to be leaving them. I feel like I’m gonna be hit when I’m there, homesick like but I’ll handle it with love and help from my angel sweetheart.

Back home, Kerry has broken her promise to herself to not drink on her own or during the week, she is very sad, missing her love in Tokyo, I feel for her but don’t feel right making her stick to her original plan knowing what she’s going through. Difficult cos I know that demon drink will spiral you downward if not handled well and proper, what can I say?

The next night our appointment is with family, Broni arrives home asleep on her feet, lies down on the couch next to me and falls away without a whisper of a word of thought. I wrap myself around her and hold her with deep love, rocking her gently to stop her snoring getting any louder, about 20 minutes later. Twenty more and she’s awake again, at least her eyes are open, I run her a lavender strawberry bath and leave her to it, fighting real rough tonsillitis and headaches.

Mother has come to pick us up, with her sister Shirley also, and we head off to cousin Sharon and Ken’s with son Mungo, their radical 18-year-old, whom they practically disowned when rejecting public school and trying out the drugs of life instead. But hell, what a nice kid he seemed to me, reminding of Steve in politeness and good looks.

A feast of English food was prepared and devoured, with the best white or red wine your choice, and port at the end, is that how one does these things properly, Jeeves? I make light of their well-to-do attitude, while not offensive, is slightly off-putting to my more down-to-earth approach to life, but nice people to go to all that trouble for us anyway, me who they haven’t seen for probably five years or more.

I drop Broni in it when I see the piano and she plays some for us, sounding absolutely beautiful and much more proficient under this pressure which I’m guilty of putting on her but interesting to see as she rarely plays for more than five seconds at a time on Kerry’s piano.

I love her, what a magician she is, we curl ourselves up, night, JimBob.


Shock brown brick clashes into the sky, grey and steely behind. Old building, sash windows, regular rectangles ‘cept the end. White, brown dirtied drainpipes slide down at intervals sucking out waste from the depths inside, like alien suckers shattering skin slurp! slurp! Blinds open, half open, half up or shut behind each window a story or a hundred stories, all personal, not to be disclosed – secret doctor-like. Pitiful short trees fail to brighten up the crowded car park, absent of leaves in the youth of autumn, but for one silver-skinned birch still magnificent in its dark green plumage, branches thrashing wildly, like mad bongo voodoo drummers, in the greasy wind.

*The Week That Was – 9th January 1984

Record of the week: Youth Brigade – Sound and Fury

9th January 1984
Did virtually next to nothing. Managed some maths homework. Not looking forward to tomorrow much as we’re starting school again. Reading and playing darts mainly.

10th January 1984
School again. Went to Wimborne at 7. Got some fags. Went to Simon’s – no one there. Saw Thoms. Met Jim and Ches at Ches’s place. His grandad didn’t like the look of me. Went to Safeways and talked. Lee came along. Dynamo packed in so had to ride back home with no lights getting off every time a car came along. Got back at 10.20.

11th January 1984
School was pretty naff today. Had it’s good points I suppose. Justin said we can’t practice at the place Simon said cos it’s booked up again. Maybe at Herbert Carter or round here somewhere. I couldn’t get hold of Paul about 21st gig. Andy trying to get a coach to Taunton for the Subhumans Feb 4th.

12th January 1984
Thinking about someone called Liz Jameson (?). Me and Vince scrounged another 41p today – spending all our money tomorrow.
Just had a disconcerting call from Paul about Andy. Apparently he reckons I can’t sing and is saying things behind my back. Paul isn’t doing Damaged with him anymore. He’s starting another and wants me to help.

13th January 1984
Not much happened today. Relieved there’s no school tomorrow. Me and Vince spent our money. I’ve got to save as much as possible for 21st. Cat’s pissing around in here at the moment. No practice Sunday. Getting Youth Brigade tomorrow.

14th January 1984
Played football against Purbeck – drew 2-2. Had a laugh on the coach. Went to Poole and got pretty bored. Saw Rupert. Bought the Youth Brigade LP – fuckin’ brilliant. Finishing crucifixion painting. Not a lot else happening at the moment.

15th January 1984
Sharon, Mungo and Kim came up and wanted me to go round to see them – piss off. Woke up 12.30. Had a bath. Played Youth Brigade LP. Trying to get both tape recorders to record but they won’t. Good film on tonight – The Carey Treatment, 2nd part of Battlestar Galactica with Satan in it.

Was actually named Lucifer and no doubt a bad guy but not particularly connected with any religious image.

*The Week That Was – 26th December 1983

Records of the week: Minor Threat – Out of Step, MDC – Multi Death Corporations, Social Distortion – Mommy’s Little Monster

26th December 1983
Woke up 8 – Couldn’t sleep. Feeling terrible – bad gut. Watching Bugs Bunny at the moment. Going to Lorna’s soon. Nice relaxing day. Sharon, Ken, Mungo and Kim were there as well. Got slightly tipsy – so to speak.

27th December 1983
Woke up 9. Listening to Minor Threat and Social Distortion – not done much really. Got a box to put my LPs in. Been thinking mostly – about this and that. Finished reading The Fog – good.

28th December 1983
Carrie’s on tonight. Met Muz down at Gaunts – bought some fags. Not been doing much again. Reading my Naff Guide. Eddie Waring is ill. Rupert and Sue came over – they gave me some talc.

Eddie Waring

29th December 1983
Went to Poole with Mum. Can’t go to see Zoe – no busses. Got photocopying of the group done. Bought 3 books – Psychlone, The Satanist and Time Enough For Love. Zoe called – had to explain I couldn’t see her. Anarchy in the UK isn’t No. 1 in the Festive 50. (Blue Monday). Started reading The Dark.

30th December 1983
Not much happening today. Watching Battlestar Galactica at the moment. Got a pair of slippers – at last. Trying to arrange meeting – should be on Monday at Justin’s. Cat’s here at the moment. There’s nothing else to fill this space up.

31st December 1983
Went in the afternoon to Poole. Put another £2 on the Youth Brigade LP. Saw the Frantix EP £2.49. Doesn’t look much but it’s probably good. Got a bottle of Merrydown which I’m slurping now. Theatre of Blood is on tonight – it’s good.

1st January 1984
Cat slept with me last night. I got a bit drunk last night. Woke up at 12 again. Went out on the common for a laugh. Was reading most of the day. Not a lot else happened. Had a game of poker with Mum, Granny and Grandad.

The Week That Was – 12th August 1979

Record of the week: The Dickies – Walk Like An Egg
Highest entry: Angelic Upstarts – Teenage Warning

25th May 2022 – My ‘record’ of the week seems to be just different songs from the Dickies album. Well, it is that good, I suppose. Angelic Upstarts – fantastic youth anthem, Teenage Warning – classic. I wonder if I could play it on guitar? Definitely not the guitar solo though!

12th August 1979
Might be watching the match on Saturday vs Forest

25th May 2022 – I think this would be the first of two times I saw Ipswich play. The other was in Bristol, vs Bristol City, though I’ve no idea what mum and I were doing in Bristol. Maybe just visiting Bath?

13th August 1979
I’m writing this on Thursday and I can’t remember what happened today
2p 93p* 86p* 179p*

14th August 1979
Went to Sharon and Ken’s
2p

25th May 2022 – Before moving to Dorset to live with my grandparents, we lived in Devon. I also don’t really know why we moved to Devon from Cumbria, though I would guess it would have something to do with my mum’s then-boyfriend committing himself to more than one girlfriend at a time. I never really saw my mum with another guy after that. Anyway, in Devon, my cousins, Sharon and Ken lived about 3 miles away from where we did. After leaving Devon at the end of 1976, Sharon and Ken moved too, also to Dorset, about 10 miles away from us. I used to enjoy Ken’s sense of humour and playfulness. Also by this time, they must have had a least one of their two children, Mungo followed by Kim. I was deemed to be close enough in age to play with them and get out of my mum’s hair for a while.

15th August 1979
Came back from Sharon and Ken’s
2p

16th August 1979
1. Boomtown Rats
2. Cliff Richard
3. Ian Dury
4. EWF
5. Abba
6. Hersham Boys
7. Police
8. Dooleys
9. Darts
10. ELO
2p 173p*

17th August 1979
Go on holiday to East Anglia
Not Dead
2p 171p*

25th May 2022 – Hehe – I’m not sure why I wrote ‘not dead’. I suppose it was a long drive. I was excited to be in the county of my team and to be going to see them play the following day. Here, we stayed with my Auntie Eileen and Uncle Dick, after them having stayed with us last week or so.

18th August 1979
Up until now because I’ll be giving Ipswich’s scores
Ipswich 0-1 Forest – Boo
Watched the match live.
2p 169p*

25th May 2022 – In East Anglia I remember being allowed to drink Cinzano, which was Eileen and Dick’s favourite tipple.

I also managed to convince my mum to buy the Sham 69 Hersham Boys 12″ which no one else was very impressed with but didn’t stop me from playing it. Especially showing these ‘old people’ how angry and mature I was by enjoying the beeped-out swearing on the live tunes.

We also went for a walk across a heath with lots of brackens and their old dog trailing behind. But the football match that I was so excited about I don’t remember a thing, except perhaps, being disappointed at losing.

The other time I saw them, they lost too and that trend continued many a time I went to watch the Swans play in Sydney too. There was a very big difference in the atmosphere at matches between English football and Aussie Rules.

In England there was always a tension, a palpable possibility of violence, not even my mum could protect me from. In Australia, everyone is there to have a good time and enjoy watching the sport. Overzealous fans tend to be frowned upon. There is also no separation for supporters because it just isn’t necessary. Fans would poke gentle fun at each other, that was as violent as I ever saw at a game. Even opposition fans could make me laugh when one time, Collingwood scored their first point and shouted ‘You’re losing, Sydney!’

The Week That Was – 25th February 1979

23rd Nov 2021 – Trevor Brooking – I hated Trevor Brooking!

Record of the Week: Just a Gigolo – The Village People
Highest Entry: Gary’s Gang – Keep On Dancin’ – 23

23rd Nov 2021 – The Village People! I had not converted completely to punk rock just yet. Perhaps my attraction to them was the happy, fuck-you attitude they projected. Well, their upbeat gay anthems were (and still are) part of the western zeitgeist.

Tracy Pew R.I.P. – Haha

25th February 1979
The other lot came round today. All four of them.
Blurp!

23rd Nov 2021 – Hmm, so now I’m confused about the ‘first lot’ I mentioned and ‘this lot’, ‘the other lot’! If there were four of them…..perhaps my Aunt Shirley, Uncle John, my cousin Sharon and her husband Ken. It’s possible though I think my Uncle John may have already passed away by this time and maybe Sharon and Ken’s first son, Mungo, was already born. My uncle John was a competent carpenter, or at least that is in my memory bank somehow. Perhaps just some weird association with fresh-cut wood? I know I liked him.

I was ambivalent to my Aunt Shirley as she always seemed so strict but I really came to dislike her over the next few years as she would often tell my mum that she was doing a bad job at raising me. I tried to avoid her as much as possible, which wasn’t that difficult really.

I wasn’t very family-oriented really, possibly due to the fact that I never had a father around as he had passed when I was too small to even have any memory of him, and even though we were living with my grandparents I think I resented that in some ways, as other families of friends were just the more traditional family unit of parents and one, two or three children living together. There were times when I wished for my mum to remarry. I was always hopeful whenever some man or other came into our lives but I appreciate that my mum was happily self-sufficient.

By calling my extended relations, that lot and the other lot I’d already made my mind up about certain things.

26th February 1979
Didn’t see the eclipse today
Da! Da!
Ipswich 6-1 Bristol Rovers

23rd Nov 2021 – February in England. Well, it’s no real surprise that I didn’t see any eclipse.

27th February 1979
Had five pancakes
Did games today!
Even though my foot hurt

23rd Nov 2021 – My foot is hurting right now. I can still poke into the arch of my left foot and feel something isn’t quite right. But it’s mainly the joint of my big toe that is painful now. I’m considering going to get it checked out. I’m not sure what to expect from the Thai medical system here in Chiang Rai. It feels like we are a long way from where folks with real expertise might be. I’m sure whoever I see will give it their best shot though. At least I could get an x-ray done that might give a better idea of managing it.

By fuck, did I love my mum’s pancakes, covered in sugar and lemon juice. What a treat. I could never replicate them though.

28th February 1979
Went to orchestra at school

23rd Nov 2021 – I guess I was playing the clarinet. Mr Broadway was my science teacher and music teacher. He had curly brown hair and was quite fun to be around. But I gave up the clarinet when it started to get more tricky. This was quite a common behaviour through my teenage years. Too hard? Give up. Sometimes I still do this. And I see Hayden do this too. What is it that makes us give up so easily when things become more difficult? When I get stuck learning to play the guitar now, I just keep trying until I finally get it. I don’t put the kind of pressure on myself that I used to.

1st March 1979
1. Bee Gees – Tragedy (2)(1)
2. Blondie – Heart of Glass (1)(3)
3. Elvis Costello – Oliver’s Army (5)(2)
4. Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive (7) (-)
5. Abba – Chiquitita (3) (4)

24th Nov 2021 – Oliver’s Army was great as were some other early Elvis Costello tunes but I stopped listening after listening to the “Carry On Sex Pistols” album where Steve Jones continually shits on him, so I thought I should too. I’ve more recently bought his first two or three albums as they are often revered in certain circles but I haven’t given them a listen yet. It’s only been about 5 years….one day, one day.

Writing this post is making me want to go home and listen to this and the Birthday Party (Mr. Clarinet). Not the Village People though.

2nd March 1979
Get REV homework
Soap was on at 11:40
Only my second whole week at school

3rd March 1979
Do bricks 2p
Didn’t do them?
X – Ipswich 1-1 Forest

24th Nov 2021 – Outside our back door was a small bricked patio area that needed to be cleaned every week or two as it would get a little mouldy and slippery. I hated cleaning them, although I can imagine the first time I did it I was really trying to do my best but after a while, I just resented the time I had to spend doing it and I would attempt to do it as quickly as possible and sometimes I would be made to do it again because I had been too careless, which of course meant losing more precious time.

I’m curious about the X, and various other codes that appear more often throughout the year. I’m thinking that this was some secret indication of my masturbatory habits as it would have been around this time I discovered the pleasures of touching my dick. More on that later.