Tag: negative thoughts

Pining – 3rd May 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 7 Comments

When I was yours and you were mine
A lunatic love filled our eyes
Now you’re hidden in the fog of time
Smoke rises to fill the skies

Through the mist, I grasp at straws
There’s no silver lining
When you were mine and I was yours
This hazy moon no longer shining

Submitted to Moonwashed Weekly Prompt

Today I’m feeling:

Great, after accidentally enjoying an extra hour of sleep. Exercise felt a little easier and I’m even doing a little Thai writing practice in-between sets. A three-coffee Utopia morning sets me up for the rest of the day.

Today I’m grateful for:

The two fish that fed us, the fishermen that caught them, the chefs that prepared them and Nut for collecting them.  Thank you fish, I know I am a hypocrite to take your lives for mine.

The best thing about today was:

Sudden inspiration whilst reading other poetry and prompts that ended up with me writing more words that I’m proud of.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I had to wait a long time this afternoon as Amy was enjoying drinking with Nut and I was not having a good time at all despite the good food.

The atmosphere was off as Nut and Bruno bickered with each other, sometimes seeming nasty to me and infecting Amy to take some shots at me too.

I was happy to leave her there and pick her up later but she wanted me to wait.

Finally, she felt sick and wanted to leave though she has a second wind now and screaming loudly singing along to her favourite songs and dancing in the living room, whilst I’ve come to the bedroom to write this.

She also just came and gave me a hug and thanked me for being a good husband (perhaps for putting up with her drunken mood swings or letting her get on with being Amy).

Something I learned today?

Despite Monday the 6th being a national holiday we are meant to be at school.  This prompted me to send messages to Kru Tang and Kru Mai that I would be on leave that day and also on the 20th.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Amy was in a bad mood because we had forgotten to bring the beer to take to Nut and Bruno’s for lunch.  As I wasn’t drinking I didn’t think anything about the bag sitting on the dining room table as I went out to open the gate to prepare to leave.

When Amy realised later that we didn’t have the bag with us she blamed me for forgetting it or at least for not thinking to help her with it.

Honestly, it wasn’t even that big of a deal to me as we stopped at a shop and bought more beer but Amy couldn’t let it go and her car door slamming carried over to me and I took on her bad mood.

Did you do something difficult or challenging today?

This afternoon was a challenge, not just because of what was happening but also how I was thinking about it.  I wondered if we are still compatible, still love each other or want to be together?  What would happen if we decided not to stay together any longer.

I recognise, now that it is later, that these are just the negative thought patterns that I can easily conjure but are not clear reality.  Thoughts that float on down the river.

Thailand to the left, Laos to the right.  Mae Khong.

We got that attitude! – 5th May 2021

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I am so happy and grateful that I got another two days off school. Only found out in the morning, before leaving. Felt good.

My brain and body are fried. 3 or 4 weeks of constant weed brownies and binging on TV series. It was getting me down.

When I found out a couple of days ago that school starts again today, I got over the initial shock and started to prep myself mentally. Last night, I became very anxious and restless just thinking about it – especially as we would probably be at school for a whole month before any students return – meaning we would likely end up sitting around doing nothing the whole time. My negative brain was kicking in.

So it was with some delight that a message came through this morning that our return was delayed a couple more days until Friday. Now, I’m trying to straighten my brain out a little more and psyche myself up for things.

I remind myself that I was getting lots done when I was in a routine and even if I didn’t enjoy the actual routine of working, I did enjoy all the benefits of some regularity. I’m coming back together.

Are you depressive? Depressing? Obsessive? Obsessed? – 15th June 2020

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This is certainly not the rain of England. The snitty spitty in-your-face cold annoying dull grey wet of Atlantic weather. This is the joyous cooling rain of the tropics, life bringing to our plants – flood bringing to the roads and fields.

The fisherman was still paddling his boat around the river and I wished I was him.

Are you someone or no one?
Are you alive or dead?
– Subhumans, ‘Rain’

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the rain today. It’s cool and refreshing and feeding our plants.

Brain dump

Bad weekend full of negative thoughts – still now struggling with it. Hayden and I are the same – I can see now. When I look at his life there seems to be a key event that has caused him problems – i.e. when he got bashed.

I got punched a couple of times in my youth too but I didn’t put much significance into those events – but maybe they did leave some effect. I know I was dark for some time after both of them and when I look at them now I can conceive that I deserved to be punched both times. But does anyone deserve that? Am I selling myself short?

Stopped painkillers for now and double sertraline again – see if I can get some stability back. Feel like I’m too serious and not enough fun.

Talked with Amy last night. She pointed out that I don’t know enough about Hayden and his life. He always gets a little defensive about any questions about what he is doing though so usually I just wait for him to offer up information. This time I guess both me and his mum waited too long. Yes, I blame myself. But at least now is a chance to do something about it I guess.

I’ll try to talk to him about this today. Hope I can keep my own head clear.

Now it’s Monday and my head is on straighter. I woke up more inspired despite having to go back to work – where we are doing nothing. Somehow I was motivated – perhaps my doubling my sertraline. Perhaps by Amy putting things clearly for me before sleeping last night.

I was fortunate to be able to talk with Hayden this afternoon and he sounds so much more hopeful too. We agreed to talk to each other more often and in more depth in the future. I felt so much better to hear him talk more clearly and deeply. I told him that he is very much like me – I can understand the way he thinks and all the negative self-talk he puts on himself. I do that plenty too – usually, I can get over it well enough and I’m glad to say I’m over that little dip from the weekend. Let’s see if I can continue.

Could not wait to get wired for sound – 7th January 2020

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Things to be grateful for in this school:
– I have a printer!
– There is aircon and fans.
– There are enough resources for my teaching.
– I have a lot of spare time.
– The keen students make me happy.
– I have a desk, electricity, chair, water, board and markers, TV and computer.
– I understand what I need to do.
– It’s easy to get to work.
– My co-teacher is helpful and nice.
– The other teachers are nice.
– There’s no real gossip or if there is, I don’t hear about it.
– I have good classes of kids.
– There is toilet paper!
– I’m learning to think whilst surrounded by noise.
– I’m practising patience every day.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the ease with which I can talk with my son, something that was much more difficult when I moved away from my mum. I am so happy and grateful that I was able to afford technology when I wanted it and invested in expensive and long-lasting equipment.

From commonplace book

He had been not so much horrified by death as by life with the slightest knowledge of its origin, its purpose, its reason and its nature.

Levin, Anna Karenina by Leo Tolsoy, pg 904

To-do list

  • Get new passport photos. ✅
  • Start thinking about work permit requirements. ✅
  • Practice gratitude about the school.
  • Think, then speak. Do not complain. You will be surrounded by complainers. ✅
  • Write to Jochen. ✅

After attending a meeting in the morning, for a 4-day English ‘camp’ (not sure why they use this word) I was thinking a lot of negative thoughts. There was nothing particularly wrong about the items of the meeting but just the whole lack of coordinated planning got into my head. It affects the Thai teachers too as they are unable to answer our questions.

I kept my mouth shut as much as possible and started to feel complete disinterest in teaching in these schools. I even started to question my enthusiasm for teaching at home too. Thailand is getting to me a little bit.

I soldiered on and late in the day Kru Noon confided quite a lot of her doubts about the school. I used that opportunity to be quiet and she talked and talked. She had a lot of useful information though nothing particularly positive for the future at that school. So with all that, I don’t think I did practice any gratitude about the school today. Only having two lessons was a joy at least.

Amy and I both went to the track to walk/run after I got home. It’s tough to motivate yourself so I’m hoping to tie this habit with getting home from work and going for exercise. I feel pretty good at the moment (physically) and able to lose a bit of weight and keep it off. I pushed up squats to 40 and will stick with that for a week or two.

My self-control was mostly tested in that morning meeting and I think I did well and was able to tell myself ‘Shut up, don’t say anything’. Tomorrow I would like to continue this thinking before speaking practice, especially before saying anything negative. I think I caught myself a couple of times today and quickly tried to stop talking or change the subject

I’ll dig myself a hole and I’ll fill up that space – 21st October 1994

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I cried

I cried wholeheartedly

I cried my guts out

I cried for an hour

I cried in the darkness of the bedroom, head under the sheets

I cried in Bronwyn’s arms as she comforted me

I cried and choked unable to say the few words that I wanted to say

I cried in a dance of tears

I cried, sobbed, balled in a fit of depression, overcome by dark hands, fingers in my mind

I cried unable to stop, wave upon wave of negative thoughts immersing me, dragging me into the depths of my soul

I cried out of loneliness

I cried through fear, here in this unknown territory, uncharted waters

I cried in this sea of complexity

I cried til Bronwyn cried for me in a joint sadness

We cried, then stopped and talked and fell asleep, hopeful for the new day.

Picture is an obscure connection that predictably tickles me.