Tag: Nomeansno

The Year Of Truth – 1st January 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Is this the year that truth may be heard
Instead of a story being sold?
Is everyone prepared to stand by their word
In order that the truth may be told?

If you are not happy it’s your own fault.

Ivan Alexyevitch, A Happy Man by Anton Checkov

This is how it will be from now. As the last year ended with death, so the next has begun. Amy’s high school friend Nan’s dad died suddenly at 3am this morning.

As I saw children, teenagers and uni students’ energy from their night’s cavorts I want to warn them to enjoy life when they can but also to start preparing for this time. I never thought I would see this age but I’m glad I have and now I must suffer its death and decrepitude.

So, beautiful children, whether you are ready or not, it’s coming.

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and relaxed

Today I’m grateful for:

The people at Dasa Books in Bangkok for allowing me a few days’ grace with ordering books as I wait to get paid. I’m finding lots of interesting bits and pieces and look forward to reading more this year.

The best thing about today was:

Playing with the two little kids in the restaurant at lunchtime. They were super cute and engaging and entertained the other customers and the kid’s parents who were the owners. As it was a buffet Amy and her mum and dad could stay longer and eat drink and talk more. Everyone was happy with clown Shaun, the child carer.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Almost everything got disrupted today. We took Tigger to get a shower at the professionals but twenty minutes later they called us to come and get him because they were scared Tigger would bite them. Never mind. Amy wanted to try and clean him straight away but I said no cos I know how much trouble it’s going to be and soon we were supposed to be going out for lunch with Amy’s mum and dad. We were still waiting at midday so Amy called her mum and found out her dad was sleeping. We were getting hungry and told them to hurry up. Finally, they came and we went to the restaurant and Amy and her dad got drunk. Amy had planned an evening out but that was cancelled after Nan’s father passed away last night so instead we were off to the first night of the funeral. Even that, finishing quite quickly I was hopeful to be home in good time but Amy wanted to eat again so we’re here now at a khao tom restaurant. But I feel fine with everything, able to go with the flow much easier than before. And driving home felt smooth and relaxing like I was manipulating a video game. I wonder what it is that made this day ok for me but others not so much. Enough water, something I ate, enough sleep or the cool weather? I wish I knew.

Something I learned today?

From watching the Little Chinese Everywhere YouTube channel I followed Yan to Antakya in Turkey and learned that the people there (like anywhere I guess) are curious and friendly. There was French and Syrian influence as well as a mix of religions and so it was I learned that this city used to be called Antioch. Perhaps tomorrow I will learn what the Antioch Arrow was…?

What goal would you like to accomplish this year?

I’d like to recover my fitness and still get to 75kg this year. Having covid seems to have set me back on this in 2022… or I’m using that as an excuse. I think I’m getting a little less tired now though it seems to catch up with me by the end of each week. I hope to push on through again, get back into the routine and exercise habit again.

Amy took this picture because I asked her to and also because it’s not easy for me to see what these tattoos look like. Anyway, the idea was to post a picture on the Nomeansno Facebook group but my post was declined because I don’t have a picture in my user id. I haven’t had one for a couple of years now since cutting back on using FB and I do understand the reason the group rules require users to have pictures but still I was looking forward to showing off. Haha. I also realised that this tattoo is now ten years old already. I also wanted this picture because I’m considering getting the dancing punk covered up with the cover art from the Birthday Party’s Junkyard and wanted to see how feasible it might be. Also, if it is what I actually want.

The Struggle – 21st January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Heartbreak is an old friend
Let the constant struggle kill you
Advice you don’t want to hear
Will make your life’s meaning clear

This is a process, not an event
Never gain what you wish for
Make it clear in your mind
There’s no thing for you to find

The poverty that I should be concerned and is the hardest for me, is that of giving up my own plans, ideas, opinions and dreams.

Vivian Warren

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to find the catch for my wallet. It was in the pocket of my purple pants.

We changed our beds around last night – another attempt to try and sleep without fucking up our necks. We flipped the mattresses to the hard side and my neck is pretty good but I woke up often having to switch sides as my down side armlost feeling. I switched a lot, though slept deeply in between.

Got up quickly and worked my legs – which was a little tougher than expected. Felt good afterwards though and threw in a quick meditation which I want to try and do every day again (school days anyway) but may mean getting up at 6 am and not 6.10 am.

Drove to school feeling good and grabbed coffee, listening to the No Means Nothing podcast where hosts analyse Nomeansno songs and it made me realise that they haven’t released an album in almost 20 years and that makes me consider what great music they have made as I still listen to it very often. I can feel more now that they don’t make me as depressed and negative as they used to, so perhaps it was the attitude that I was bringing to it. It made me think about how I have changed.

When I got back to school, George was by himself and I said good morning, to which he mumbled a reply. So I asked him why he doesn’t say good morning to me that set him off. Finally, he’s spat out his feelings, that he wasted his time with a friendship with me and that he has no need to be polite and communicate with me in anyway. He thinks I should be old enough to understand that no one likes me here and I should behave differently. He said he will not be polite with me as it would be fake and he is not fake. I almost choked when I heard that!

To be honest, I mostly just let him talk and just asked him to be polite to me but he continued to refuse. I said he can be polite with everyone else, so why not me? He believes that other teachers’ ‘good morning’s are somehow completely genuine with him. I can see his point of view but I won’t be rude to people, even if I don’t like them – that’s just disrespect.

He is arrogant (towards me at least) and I can feel that it wouldn’t take much for others to get on his wrong side. He’s not happy when people don’t do what he wants. It’s a conditional friendship in his favour, always. It really just confirms what his girlfriend, Bee, told us about him, and how he treated other people before too.

I’m thinking to move up to the Chinese teacher’s room if I’m welcome there – maybe no one likes me there too?

It was pretty exciting at the time all this happened but I didn’t feel upset and went off and had two great classes. Now, I’m in House, drinking coffee and just wanted to get this down. The dreaded Friday afternoon class with 2/10 looms – not sure what I will do with them today, yet. Hooray for the weekend!

I’m alright, I’m alive – 20th August 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Good Vibrations by the Beach Boys? Where did that come from?

Building myself up to do my five minutes of exercise, tired this morning – don’t want to, want to sleep more – push through.

Crazy Kim was here trying to climb to the highest point. What is in the mind of a cat?

Go to Hill tribe school today – hope it’s okay – worry the kids can’t understand what to do. What’s Plan B?

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have Dad’s truck so I can drive to the hill tribe school today.

To-do list

  • Laugh and enjoy the day ✅
  • Make sure others enjoy their day too ½
  • Compliment new people (anyone really) ½
  • Another blog post when you get home ½

It’s a week later already. I have managed to fill my time up with many things including converting old DVDs, pushing and promoting the podcast, watching interesting TV and documentaries along with most of the usual things I’ve been doing such as school and online teaching.

I’ve been working with a girl called Kelly who has taken a few lessons to warm up but I was very heartened to see her become more confident and sure of herself in her speaking. That made me feel like my effort was worthwhile.

It can be the opposite at school where you can feel you are getting nowhere. I think I have successfully managed to understand this scenario now though and it will be a very long and slow process for things to improve.

Currently, there are lots of student protests in Thailand – more free and democratic government, less corruption and more equality. This too has been going on for nearly a hundred years. Things change slowly here.

I’ve been happy with myself recently and been able to deal with sudden changes and minorly stressful situations. I think I’ve become a better person and always looking to move that forward.

Tomorrow is my long teaching day – including in the evening but I’m looking forward to going to Mae Sai on the weekend and also dropping by an orphanage for girls to see what we can do for them. I hope that I can get involved in some way.

How do you hide from something you have found? – 24th July 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Thinking how much better I feel mentally and a little bit physically. My body hurts in so many places but if I do my five-minute exercise every day I can feel it is making me feel better. I spent too many years ignoring my health and it’s hard to catch up but I’ll keep on.

Dreams – no recall. Today – last day of week with four days off.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the big breakfast I had this morning. Not sure I need to eat again today!

Too much is not enough – 23rd July 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Oh No! Bruno! – brainbox. Dream? I’m not sure but I am tired this morning – did not want to wake up. Exercised (five minutes) feel good. Mozzie heaven in my room in the morning.

Read back into my past – what was I thinking? Some days good, some days bad. Tim Smith passed away – only 59. Seven years older than me. I want to live longer. Especially now I am happy.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my glasses. I feel really disoriented without them. I love being able to see properly.

Too much, double bullseye, too much, do it again – 5th July 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

A long weekend with two extra days. Though I have been barely working at all this semester, at least this weekend promised not having to attend school and an opportunity to do whatever I wanted.

I had half an idea to get back into playing some video games again but only got around to it on the last day. It was fun but unfulfilling, possibly the spectre of disappointment raised by having to relearn how to play a game again, that I was halfway through and not played for 18 months. I wonder when I’ll give it another go? I wonder if my old Nintendo DS still works after all these years?

On Sunday, the skies were cloudy but the rain had been holding off. It is gonna rain again, right? That can’t be it for rainy season already? Last year it didn’t seem to rain so much and it lead to drought in many parts of the country. We’ve had some big rains and the ground is getting saturated but there’s been nothing really approaching flooding.

Anyway, Amy and I took the opportunity for a quick drive down to Phayao. Amy had an idea to pick up some English muffins and jam from a local farm run by an Aussie and his Thai wife. Well, we didn’t really need much reason. It’s nice to have a break from the regularity of school and home and we haven’t been out much due to the pandemic situation, which, despite having limited impact here so far, is always something to be cautious of.

Amy’s old workmate, Jackie, had also managed to get himself out of Australia recently, having overstayed his visa by a few years already. Now, Jackie is a character, or perhaps even more accurately, a caricature. He can be difficult to talk to, difficult to listen to and difficult to understand. Having not seen him for 3 years or so it would be interesting to hear some of his stories from that elapsed time.

The drive was very pleasant and enjoyable, some fantastic mountain ranges on the right with fresh paddy fields across the plains of the valley. Everything one shade of green or another.

Soon we arrived and met up with Jackie at his friend’s fish restaurant on the lake, where I took the attached panorama. Jackie was exactly as we remembered though looking more like he was hitting his old age than before. He talked loudly and non-stop, mostly polite nonsense but always, always, about money, and he made us laugh with his absurd pronouncements. He paid for everyone’s lunch, despite having little money, insisting that this is the ‘Thai way’ and we will of course reciprocate if he ever comes to visit.

Next, we headed to a coffee shop, also next to the lake. Everything is next to the lake – it is the main feature of the sleepy little town. Jackie told us that the waters are lowering due to the Chinese damming rivers further upstream – a common issue amongst adjacent nations around the world these days. We waited at the cafe for the farmers to deliver our order to us, as they had decided to close the farm to visitors until next year due to the virus.

When they arrived I chatted with the Aussie and Amy chatted with his wife in Thai. Jackie was listening in as they explained about closing the farm and after a few minutes it was time for them to leave. Just as they turned to walk away, and well within earshot, Jackie turned to Amy and said in Thai, something along the lines of “Fucking stupid, why they close the farm, no virus now, fucking open, make money!” Amy shushed him (and told me this story later) and Amy and I discussed driving around the lake before heading home. Jackie said we should and he would leave us for ‘romantic time’. We laughed and then he instantly invited himself along too! He actually hasn’t been here in his hometown for about 20 years so the drive around was all new to him too.

Eventually, we dropped Jackie home and headed back along the highway, shaking our heads at the things Jackie had done and said in the short time we caught up with him. I concluded that we were being punished for something bad in our past lives. Meeting once every three years or so still might be too often.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for getting paid this weekend and being able to order in Lazada!

Oh no, it’s starting again and time will bend – 28th May 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

image: making videos for students working from home

Sat at my desk in amongst the clutter to make it easier on my back and wrists. Reminds me of an old online friend who had a blog called ‘atmydesk’ – I think her name was Sara – some connection with Nomeansno – was thinking about my tattoo this morning for some reason or was it a dream “of a 6-foot woman”– listening to Heavy Vegetable and things on the weekend but now I wake up with the songs in my head. I’m bad at writing quickly these days and arm is sore from pen holding. Sweating on the clutter just a fan today no Aircon temp is perfect just sweat when moving. Neck is creaking after the very short workout – just warmup really but got my body out of slumber neck is really bad these days “6-foot woman” is stuck now. Amy rearranged plants around the house Tigger rolling around in the grass last night – all the cats seem really chilled these days – makes me so happy. Is my mind already empty? Just replaced with Rob Crow’s music. Don’t remember any dream – slept well – want to sleep more but energised now after warmup workout – don’t push it doesn’t matter – don’t stress about George telling you the best way to do something – it’s just his advice on his experience – it’s not a judgement on you and you can do it the way that you want. Going to offer more help to teachers today. Do they like me? Are they scared of me? Am I not approachable? If I’m thinking about it then – even if I am not these things I can still do something to be more those things right? Put thinking cap on today for video. Gonna be another good day today – just you see.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the cooler weather this morning. I felt more relaxed and happy.

To-do list

  • Try to join in more with the other teachers ½
  • In your mind – give positive vibes to everyone ½
  • Ask more questions for understanding
  • Breathing exercise for concentration ½
  • Random act of kindness

Today seemed to fly past – I managed to get my morning routine fully sorted and will try it again from tomorrow.

There were times today when I felt George was a little overbearing – this is about the way he talks sometimes as if what he says is always right. I think it’s just a mannerism and not necessarily the way he thinks. It was just particularly prominent today. I do envy his capacity to just stay happy all the time.

I’m stuck wondering if I should just be quiet and listen more or say what I really believe. This is questioning me to define what it is I actually believe – that’s a challenge.

I shouldn’t compare myself to him because his confidence and personality aren’t a gauge against my own. I shouldn’t feel down or upset because I’m not up to the same standard in comparison. This is a trait I need to remove. I need to remind myself about what I am good at. Why do I feel that I am not good at anything right now? Ugh.

What’s that quote about worrying too much about what other people think – they’re not thinking anything about you at all. So, I’m the only thing getting in the way of my own contentment. Tomorrow I want to reflect on that more.

We start out loudly and go in circles, all things converging, we find an end to each day – 11th April 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

High in the North in a land called Svithjod there is a mountain. It is a hundred miles long and a hundred miles high and once every thousand years a little bird comes to this mountain to sharpen its beak. When the mountain has thus been worn away a single day of eternity will have passed

Hendrik Willem Van Loon, The Story of Mankind

That little bird is our lives. Dwarfed by the magnificence of time.

We are small and insignificant. Not individual, not a group, nor a race. Not a society, a species or a thought from God. We are nothing.

The dinosaurs, the mammoths, the pharaohs, the sultans and kings, the inventors, the thinkers and philosophers, the builders, the masters and slaves, the writers, the historians, the celebrities, the murderers, the saints and the despots. You and me. Nothing.

What will you do with this information?

Our floating houses on molten granite
Our liquid planet, it is a home for us all
I’m firmly planted, my earth is solid
I feel a presence but there is nothing at all
I wanted something, down here is something
It’s really something but there is nothing at all

‘Slowly Melting’ by Nomeansno

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #34

Music from Tipographica, Keukhot, Chui Wan, 400 Blows, Lifter Puller, Mazaj, Geronimo, Unknown, Pell Mell, Opal, Child Bite and Debile Menthol.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the space we have in our house and garden. We can move furniture around and reinvent ourselves, change our views.

To-do list

  • Talk to George ✅
  • Record TCRAH
  • One more lesson plan
  • Record more 1994ever for blog ✅
  • Write a short blog post ✅

Almost didn’t make it out to my room but somehow managed to motivate myself. I am slowly completing things, whether it is sorting out bits and pieces from my past, things I’d intended to do for a long time, reading books, watching movies and TV series, sorting out my CDs etc. So at least I have a sense of achievement.

I’m reminded of when I was about 10 or 11 years old and used to ‘race’ my Matchbox car collection and keep tables of which was fastest and kept all sorts of statistics about them. I was already organising my mind, putting things in order, sleeping everything straight.

I can pinpoint other instances of this at various times during my youth actually. Looking through old diaries has triggered some deep recollections which is interesting. I’m testing myself to see what else is hidden away in there.

When I go for a stroll I always stay on the sidewalk, and I always wear a pair of nice warm boots – 15th March 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

We wake up in the morning fresh and ready to go and by the end of the day, we are covered in dust. The dust of emotions, of work, of stress, of everything. 

– Daily Stoic email

Most days disappear too fast. I was busy – busy with what? I set myself small goals and challenges and cross them off at nightfall. The next day, do it again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I am a machine and the dust gets in. Wash it away, wash this out of my life.

Talking of dust, it hasn’t rained here for 6 months, the land is cracking, grass clings to life but the jungle can still prevail. It doesn’t matter what gets thrown at it.

The sight of a big rat running around hopefully means the snakes are gone for now. Our lazy cats bring us gifts of small lizards and small birds, blood trailed across the kitchen floor.

Each evening we water the plants and trees, the sun red over the mountains, barely penetrating the thick smoke blown down from Myanmar and Laos. This is still the Wild East – laws often meaningless, common moral duties not learned in the chaos of the education systems.

We live in dust, breathe it in, poison for the lungs. But, we live.

A wise man said that you can’t step in the same stream twice,
But I find that wet feet soon get caked with sand and grit, that’s very unpleasant, especially between the toes…..

nomeansno

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to go outside again. It was weird to be outside again after two weeks at home.

To-do list

  • Record another TCRAH and finish off upload details ✅
  • Express your gratitude and happiness to see people ½
  • Do not judge people ✅
  • Finish installing Powerpoint ½
  • Chinese drawing

My first day outside in 2 weeks. It felt a little strange as I was riding to Utopia and this feeling of freedom and being able to go anywhere. It was good to catch up with everyone there – I think I should try and talk more with everyone who works there, maybe they think that I am not that friendly.

Anyway, the air quality sucks so it was back home and indoors again. For some reason, I woke up and got up at six thirty so actually managed to do a few things before even going out for coffee.

At around 10.30 it’s usually too hot and sunny to be outside but with the smoke so thick there’s an apocalyptic colour to the sky and only a vague idea of where the sun is. It was still hot but I took the opportunity to water our suffering plants and trees.

A trip out for lunch and re-stocks at Makro and I got a lot more done in the afternoon.

Back to school tomorrow. I want to try and maintain this good feeling I’ve had for the last two weeks even if having to deal with difficult people. This is my test.

I would like to go and help George with some lesson planning but I have a feeling that the lack of communication last week will end up getting dumped back on me in the morning (I was originally told that I would be able to start preparations back at CRPAO at this time). Oh well – let’s see how it goes and I’ll attempt to think before I speak.

Remember – things you can control and things you can’t control.

I’ve got a question to ask you, and then you can ask it of me – 27th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my psychiatrist who prescribes me my medicine. Can I live without it?

Forgiveness is choosing to not let negative events of the past define how you feel about someone or something in the present.

Mark Manson

To-do list

  • Finish Chinese drawing.
  • Eye-gaze practice – so difficult! ½
  • Stay calm. Talk less. ½
  • Staple exam papers. ✅
  • Focus on colours today ½

Stayed calm but talked quite a bit with Said and George.

Occasionally focused on colours and tried to remember about eye gazing. It’s really uncomfortable though!

I stayed calm during a difficult lesson this morning but some of the smarter kids had a great idea to go outside and finish the lesson and it worked out really well.

My other lesson was fine and I spent a couple of hours talking with George. I really look up to his way of thinking and want to push myself to end up like that too. I found myself interrupting him in conversation sometimes though and must try not to do that, and to really listen to what he is saying rather than just waiting to say the thing I want to say.

I felt a bit rejuvenated after that though not having any proper lunch made me tired as I got home. I did, however, feel some relief at it being the end of the working week for me.

Tomorrow I will use the time on the plane to read and meditate.