“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
I am so happy and grateful to be able to easily find many books online that I want to read. There are too many and I will never be able to read them all but they are available at least.
I am so happy and grateful for my patience. A lot of the time I am in a rush as if time is running out but I impose that only on myself. I am generally very patient with other people. I like that about myself.
Count on the insane to save the souls of the suckers.
Nuclear nightmares last night at Chatswood apartment – safe but the outside world changed – coronavirus allegory? Kimchee trapped in an escalator – she turned up in the morning safe and sound. Why those dreams?
Eat more, exercise more – no energy, weight is okay but need to toughen up my body. Thinking, I think too much and haven’t turned thoughts into actions. Stay positive – look at everything positive – listen better – compliment, help others. Life is easy so take time for others. You can do it.
What else you got in your head this morning? Creaky little froggy under the fan, foot aching old man. Take what you want from others’ speech. They may be right, they may be wrong. Do you need to say the words? If not then don’t say them. This is your life now so do the best with it – it’s easy.
Pink, the colour – not the person. I really don’t know modern popular music – I think it’s funny. Is it calming your mind? I freeze my thoughts writing this but if I sit to meditate, thoughts come on back. Today, yesterday. Seeking clarity. Couldn’t do long meditation yesterday – got too itchy and antsy. Keep going. Keep trying. The benefits are what I’m looking for – fat sticky stomach. Breathe. Big yawn – fun day ahead and weekend after that. Gratitude and project good wishes.
Okay, rest your weakened wrists now. Got coffee cups to hold.
Gratitude Journal
I am happy and grateful for my newly found patience with things at the school. Things can be so dynamic here that they can change with every person you meet. I have been able to deal with this well so far this semester.
To-do list
A funny old day today where plans kept getting changed and ultimately nothing got done. I just went with it and felt fine. It was a good day.
Amy and I went out for one last meal at Oshinei together with Aing and Nu. When we got home I was too full and tired to write here and went to sleep very quickly.
In the morning I went to meet Bruno for coffee and we spent a pleasant couple of hours catching up on each other’s gossip. Bruno is interested to do some other things together sometime such as motorbiking around, fishing or just generally catching up. I think he’s looking for other folks to hang out with.
I like Bruno but also want to be careful with what I say to him as we both have lots of mutual teacher friends and gossip travels fast.
Today, I’m consigned to my room to sleep as Goy and Nan and their families are staying the night. Suits me – I had a lot of fun playing around with music and can keep it going all night as I drift in and out of sleep.
If it’s not raining in the morning I’m hoping to go for a motorbike around before it gets too hot.
Jimmy talked to me today and told me he had complaints from parents about me hugging the kids. I got a little defensive, unfortunately, as to me, it’s not a big deal. But I need to understand how the kids might feel if they are influenced by this culture and their parent’s understanding.
(Later) Fuck me, these kids drive me crazy. Fucking annoying obnoxious little brats.
What am I doing here? I feel like I’m wasting my time trying to teach them anything. Fuck – it was a bad day.
I felt a little better after looking at what I have prepared for them next week. I don’t know if things will go well enough but at least it has a little more structure than today. I need to try and concentrate on the ones who want to learn and ignore all the others.
I wish I could explain to the parents that their children (the ones who want to learn) are constantly held back by the rest of the class. I don’t know how much they would care. It’s a pointless thought anyway because it will never happen. So – I have to keep myself happy somehow and fuck everything else.
It’s not really contenting so I hope Amy and I can work out a way to get out of this position by developing our own classes – something that is somewhat fraught with danger due to work conditions.
Gratitude Journal
What a sunrise this morning. I am so happy and grateful to be able to view this every morning.
From commonplace book
…these fragments of musical expressions good as some of them were, stuck me as unpleasant because they were entirely unexpected and unprepared for. Gaiety, sadness, despair, tenderness, triumph burst upon the ear without any justification, just like the emotions of a madman. And, as with a madman, these emotions vanished just as unexpectedly.
Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy, pg 789
To-do list
I started today well by complimenting the teacher on gate duty. My first class went well too despite my initial worries.
Things got derailed from there though as Jimmy talked to me that a parent had called to complain that their daughter cried at home because I hugged her. Jimmy said not to touch the students or he didn’t know what would happen.
I put forward my case that it is my style and though I understood what he was saying that it could happen again. I know the benefit of hugs and haven’t come across any signs from the students that they are upset by it.
I tried to stay as neutral as I could but was infuriated, not listening or choosing to misunderstand me. I got annoyed when it looked to me as if he was pretending to take a phone call and just started talking to his phone, cutting off what I was saying.
I did notice myself quickly trying to think about the content of what he said and despite being a bit miffed I thought that I have to accept this if I want to stay working.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t keep it out of my mind and as I thought more I thought perhaps that no students had actually complained but that he (or another teacher) had made the complaint. This certainly made more sense in the context of the conversation as Jimmy was quite vague and evasive.
Still – there is the message that they want to give me either way.
I wrote out a few different thoughts and ideas and my approach at the moment is to push more to teaching students at home – no boss, no stupid systems to follow and kids actually interested to learn more. Teaching at home comes it’s own predicaments as it’s technically illegal without a work permit and I could get thrown out of the country. This left me anxious somewhat and unsure of which way to turn.
My thinking right now is to teach until the end of the semester and see where things are at. I feel like I have to be like a robot more now – which I think is what they want. Good little automatons that can be used when required.
My patience was tested and broke in my last class and that was quite upsetting but I have thought of a strategy to attempt to stop it from happening again. Let’s just hope it is acceptable.
I’m still thinking about all this so it’s not clear from my mind yet. I have the weekend to adjust.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for everything that tests my patience. I have learnt to remain calm through most things and I think I’m getting better at it all the time.
To-do list
Did it list
I dreamt I couldn’t find my socks so that I could go to school/work. Mum was there, although, I didn’t see her. She made me feel calm and I understood to work methodically to find them. I think my mum taught me patience – I surely tested hers.
Hayden will come to visit soon. I hope he can take away some life lessons from me. I should plan some things to talk with him.
Gratitude Journal
I learnt today that the sun still rises. No matter what. The old adage ‘it will pass’ is consistent, even if it doesn’t feel like it at times. I am grateful to the kids in my class. Day to day they don’t give a shit, yesterday’s problems are forgotten.
18th Feb 2021 – Sometimes I need an ego reset. Resume child-like wonder! This time was tough for me and I’m reminded now of one girl in another class getting really upset and angry at another student who made fun of her skin colour. I comforted her and told her she was a beautiful person and not to ever forget that. She looked up to me a lot after that. But now, I look up to her, as she and the bully run around playing together still.
I’ll lose my patience
You’re trying me
I’ll have to take stringent action
You’ll see
“Quiet, you lot of rabble
Or else you’ll be in deep trouble”
‘Patience, sir, is a fuckin’ virtue’
“Just shut up or I’ll fuckin’ hurt you”
8th May 2023 – I think this would have also been inspired by Mr Hayward who often made useless threats to us students. We did surely test his patience in every class. It was totally a game to us.
1994ever 