Tag: self control

Are We Here Yet? – 30th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

If this isn’t enough, then what is?
We have a reasonably long life of occasional bliss
The canvas is blank and beautiful, waiting
To be painted with all your colours, creating

Those times that can never be killed
An overflowing cup that can never be filled
Smell the roses, and don’t forget to smell the sweat
Sit in the back of the bus shouting ‘Are we there yet?’

Today I’m feeling:

I slept ok but the sunlight is waking me up in the mornings. Maybe I should get up earlier. 
Just set my alarm ten minutes earlier. See how it goes tomorrow.
Feeling reasonably good. My back is still sore but I got through an ab workout this morning. My first class was a bit tough with trying to get everybody into Quizizz. In that class, there are a couple of annoying kids identified so far but most of the others seem cool. I must try to remain calm. I must try to remain calm. I must….

Today I’m grateful for:

My old schoolmate Rupert, who has been much better at maintaining friendships with other schoolmates than myself. As I was writing out my 1984 diary I came across the name Ange but only had a very vague recollection about her. Rupert gave me her full name and reminded me how we both fantasised about her!

The best thing about today was:

Being reminded of so many things whilst writing out my 1984 diary over the last two days. That seemed like a crazy defining year in many ways. Despite hating school so much I did feel a sense of loss and overwhelming change when leaving. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I just had a huge long list of things I didn’t want to do.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

It’s the old fallback of the out-of-control class today as my previously boisterous grade 7s are now boisterous grade 8s. However, I think I dealt with it ok, in the fact that I couldn’t control them but I could at least control myself! 

Something I learned today?

I stumbled across a video of a better neck-stretching exercise rather than just the regular pull-your-head to the left and then to the right. I’ll give it a go for a while, adding it to my never-ending list of stretches I should do as an older gentleman.

What are some memorable moments from this past month?

Going back to school and seeing the students again would be my number one. I know one day I will have to leave this all behind and that will be sad but also will mean moving on to the next thing.
There have been other minor memorable moments this month and that is as it should be. I would prefer consistency over highs and lows and to be honest, despite how good everything is really, when I walk to close the gate in the early evening and I look up I still feel like it is not complete anymore because that one little cat, that lovely little Kim, is gone.

I took this picture because these clouds looked promising but have amounted to nothing so far. Come on rain!

Battle – 17th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The little beast inside
Rising to do its harm
I push it back down again
Before succumbed to its charm
The little devil inside
Always looking to make its play
It takes all my willpower
To keep these demons at bay
So my life is lived
In this constant state of fight
When my time is done
I’ll know I’ve done what’s right

17th Mar 2023 – Self-control has been my battle and whilst I consider I may have mastered it to some degree now I must be wary because there is very little challenging me at the moment. When the challenge comes again I must be ready.

Because I have a little knowledge, some are filled with jealousy, others think me secretive and crazy.

Euripedes, from Medea

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to chat with Jess yesterday. I thought it was just five minutes but was 30! I realise I haven’t really talked to her for over a year.

Has the world gone mad or is it me? – 18th March 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I can remain calm today despite the stupidity surrounding me. I have been asked to control myself emotionally and not get too worked up.

For everyone is pained by the thought of disappearing, unheard and unseen, into an indifferent universe, and because of that everyone wants, while there is still time, to turn himself into a universe of words.

Milan Kundera, The Book of Laughter and Forgetting

To-do list

  • Pictures for Fern and Chinese teacher
  • AirAsia refunds and Agoda
  • Fill out topic overview for Champ
  • Read some Pocket articles ✅
  • Just Dance!

What an interesting and fun day today was in the end. So, after thinking I had completed everything yesterday I went to school to clock in and Amy and I went around the city doing some shopping. At about 10 am I started getting messages that I am supposed to be at school even though there is nothing to do. So I head back and apparently, there were things that needed to be fixed in the grading files – even though I had followed all their instructions and they OK’d it the day before.

So, while I’m helping them fix these I get a message from TLC saying I won’t be getting paid. I was quite proud of my fairly calm reaction and luckily kept my mouth shut long enough, and to talk with Amy. We thought it best to offer TLC that I finish with the school and forget about the money. I found the whole stupid situation quite amusing and a sad reflection on these poor people.

I helped Kru Noon and did everything she asked of me. I like her – she has been very sympathetic and she lamented and apologised for what she knows is a terrible school. She’s stuck there so I consider myself quite lucky. I came home and forgot about my tasks and challenges today as I felt like I had lost my focus due to these events. Not to worry. I’ll get back onto it tomorrow, though do feel like I am on holiday now.

I lost my membership card to the human race – 17th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

It’s amazing how one emotional event can soon be overshadowed by a larger one therefore putting the first into more perspective. On Friday I fought for what I believed and ended up in a cloud of destructive self doubt. On Saturday it all became irrelevant.

I try to clear my mind. Breathe in and breathe out. Focus on it. Thoughts come charging, running across my imagination. Focus. Re-focus. But they come too quickly, from all sides. Emotions rising from my belly, adding to the darkness inside.

I started writing a diary in 1994 after my best friend Steve Burgess passed away aged only 23. I kept that up for the year that saw me move from England to Australia. I continued writing bits and pieces over the years and then in 2018 I decided to start this blog and document another transition moving from Australia to Thailand. The final move date was decided by my mother’s passing in February 2019.

Now I have to write again about another best friend passing away, this time not significant of anything. Just another Saturday. He was 36 years old.

I’m shocked and devastated. I don’t have many people I would consider as close friends and now another has gone. Rationally I know it happens, it happens to everyone. Everyone you know will be gone. Everyone you love. But I’m not feeling rational again yet. Just let me be like this for a while. I’ll be ok.

I love you Kimi.

I’m starting to see why people find comfort in religion. Their faith counters our natural fear of death. If it all boils down, that is all it is. And that’s fine. I have to learn to deal with my fear of death by living now. The fear of death should make us happy.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I have the chance to make another day count.

To-do list

  • Passwords for Amy ✅
  • Investigate emotional control ½
  • Be nice to people you don’t like
  • Go to gym after work
  • Look at G’s lesson plans ✅

I got through school today in a bit of a blur but it was OK. Asikin messaged me and told me how Kimi died and I decided to go and visit in a couple of weeks time.

I’m thinking a little differently about teaching now and trying not to let the kids bother me. If they don’t want to learn, then forget about it. I’ll try my best but I will try not to let them affect me.

Tomorrow I will try to read more about emotional control – what I read today was OK but a bit superficial. My self-control was tested with the kids but I didn’t lose it, even though I sometimes had to raise my voice to be heard.

I learned today that bad feelings don’t have to last a long time and I can make the choice about it.

I would be your whipping boy, if you look into my eyes – 12th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

There are two important components of jerkhood.

First: an implicit or explicit sense that you are an ‘important’ person.
Second: an implicit or explicit sense that you are surrounded by idiots.

– Eric Schwitzgebel (blog extract)

Hands up if you’ve ever been a jerk? There should be no hands down. Please comment if you have never been a jerk. Not even once.

Here’s all the times I was a jerk…….

No, no, no, I’m not going to do that! Not here anyway.

I wonder if we actually are surrounded by idiots, or if those people have chosen a simpler path that just makes them appear to be idiots to others. They must have some redeeming qualities.

As individuals, we seem to be quite together, perhaps even inconsequential, yet when we get together to form systems or groups we often devolve into idiothood.

Sometimes I wish I was ignorant and close-minded. Then the truth – the reality – doesn’t matter.

So, I’m sorry to everyone who ever felt that I was a jerk to them. I’m trying.

Well, I feel bad
And I’ve felt worse
And I’m a creep
And I’m a jerk

Mudhoney, Touch Me I’m Sick

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my phone and this app (just called Gratitude). It reminds me of all the little things I should be grateful for.

To-do list

  • Finish reply to Kieran ½
  • Start creating events for WDS ½
  • Enjoy teaching Bruce again ✅
  • Case more CDs ½
  • Do not complain. Think before speaking ½

Got thrown an extra class this morning but luckily it was with one of the better classes of students. The following classes all went well too but I’m starting to feel worn down. I was wondering today if I’m just jealous of the freedom that the kids have, their care-less attitudes, their joys and grievances.

There was almost a fight today as two kids stood up to each other. I was curiously, happily watching it progress and wanted to see how the class dealt with it themselves. I’m not sure if someone was expecting me to step in but eventually Kru Noon did and it was a little disappointing that it fizzled out.

My self-control was tested somewhat when finding out late in the afternoon that there are no classes for the next two days but I looked on the bright side for myself rather than thinking about the unstructured disrupted learning these kids are going through. Two easy days ahead. I hope I get to spend more of this free time in the quiet classroom and write, think and study more.

I taught Bruce again today and he wants to study 2-3 times a week which is good for me. I need to do a bit more research for his lessons as he wants to learn about TOEFL exams for speaking.

I learned today that I can push through and enjoy it when teaching, even when I’m tired. I can improve my methods when teaching Bruce as I feel they have dropped off somewhat at Anuban. As Mohan laughingly mentioned ‘Once you start teaching here you can’t teach anywhere else.’ This shows me his satisfaction at his job and settled into this style, knowing its limitations and drawbacks. Can I do the same? I think I have to if I want to stay sane.

14th May 2024 – Four years later I can safely say that I have settled into a working style that is suitable for here but as Mohan infers, it would be very difficult to be a teacher anywhere else after this.

We got that attitude! – 27th September 2019

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Even though a new job feels like it may involve more work, it is a relief to leave this current job.

When I think back to my other jobs I can identify a person who made life difficult in many of them. Sometimes I could handle it well but I have a great sense of injustice with many of them. I can’t control their personalities but find it difficult to control my own reactions.

I will try to improve.

Gratitude Journal

I am grateful for my mother and the respectful characteristics she instilled in me. She taught me to be independent and showed me how to do it.

27th Feb 2021 – It’s inevitable we start to see our parents in our own actions when we are older and have stopped fighting against them to find our own way. I was lucky my mum was a good one. I sometimes think about my old friends and their parents and wonder what quirks they now enact.