Above the roaring chaos of the rooms The petty squabbles of emotional fools Moulding little munchkins while running on fumes Stuck in a system broken; made to be rules
Making peace amongst the many positions Knowing little more than the best use of tools Embracing the insistent inquisitions Every teacher’s a student that schools
I found a job that I truly love, where I can put my whole self into it. Shared with dVerse OLN #396 and this didn’t get many eyes and also conveniently meets the What’s Going On prompt this week too.
Got a head barren of motivation What’s said only delivers frustration Not dead but denied inspiration Get it together or you’re done!
Emo-driven tears an aberration Forgotten fears sudden implication Perspective clears internal narration You got skills but the bills are due!
Each turmoil treads towards education Lessons learned have no expiration Third eyes open to the realisation Time to shine because the rains will come!
Submitted to Ovi Poetry Challenge 53 and inspired by one of my students who is trying hard at school but is close to getting kicked out.
Today I’m feeling:
Woke up tired but got going with Utopia coffee. Game was there and commiserated with me when I told him and Art that I couldn’t hang around as Amy had me quickly home for us to go to meet Mei and Hagan for lunch. I still managed to get a little reading in though, starting Rip It Up And Start Again again.
Today I’m grateful for:
Mei and Hagan for shouting us lunch at Mo’s (near Mae Sai). Good food and good catch-up, probably the last before they head back to Australia.
The best thing about today was:
Whilst out in the village in the evening I went across to the 20 baht shop, which was closed in the morning, and picked up some batteries and a door closer. I saw that KhaoThang was sitting in her mum’s shop so I went in and chatted with her and her mum for a minute.
Her English pronunciation is awesome now, though her vocabulary is still limited as she studies in a Science program rather than language.
They told me that they will close the shop in December and mum will go to a temple in Phan and KT will stay in a dorm near her school (Tessaban 6). She’s only 14 but its quite common here. Good luck to them both.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Somehow it feels hotter than it did in summer. It still hasn’t rained, two weeks now, so our new gutter is still untested.
After the first rain, a month or more ago, it felt cooler and refreshing and now the temperature has remained the same but the humidity seems to have skyrocketed. It’s pretty tiring but despite some huffing and puffing, I’m still trying not to complain out loud.
The heat did stop me from going to my room today though. I could’ve still gone but I couldn’t even really face getting up out of the air-conned living room to get a drink of water.
Something I learned today?
I came across a Roy and HG documentary and it made me reminisce a lot about my early years in Australia and then even more so when there were clips of The Dream which was the show they did during the Sydney Olympics. That was still a memorable prime time in my life.
I found a load of videos on YT which I stuck in the queue to watch at some point.
Review your acts, Good and bad.
Around 7pm Amy wanted to go to the market to get some soy milk, implying that I had to ride her there. I still didn’t want to get out but eventually, I did.
I took this picture at Mo’s because I finally remembered to take some pictures today. I knew this one was going to look good when I took it.
A little bit slow again but I was able to take it pretty easy with my classes today. I was still tired and hungry by the end of the work day though.
Today I’m grateful for:
The last bagel in the freezer that I ate for dinner. Thanks, Nut! It’s probably been in the freezer for more that six months already but, well, that’s what freezers are for, right!?
The best thing about today was:
Finding out that next week is Scout Week again. I initially cheered when David told me but then he reminded me that last year we ended up doing some silly useless tasks (that I decided to enjoy at the time).
Either way – it’s a whole week out of the classroom (again!)
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy called while I was at House saying that she would stay in the city as the new owners of the apartments that Mum sold were having a housewarming party. The plan was for me to pick her up after I finished work, we go home and then I bring her back to get the truck in the morning.
When I got there though Amy was still happily drinking and talking whilst I was tired and hungry and itching to get home. I stayed for a while but when Aun came back from work she offered to bring Amy home later and I quickly agreed that that was a good idea even though I would have to find my own food.
Of course, I could’ve just come straight home after work but I tried not to think about that.
Something I learned today?
Whilst watching Jerry Grey talking about the possibility of war between China and the USA he brought up a point that makes some sense, about who would fight for the USA in a conventional war.
This got me wondering about the fact that so many Americans are in debt and many are also homeless. Is this being done on purpose so that when a serious war might arise the military will be able to easily incentivise joining up as a way for citizens to get back into the black?
Could they be that cynical or is it my own cynical streak coming through?
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
With writing up old things into this blog I’ve been talking online a little more often with Rich Levine and will also drop an email to Rob again at some point. He still doesn’t use much of this new-fangled technological stuff and only has email.
I did wait fairly patiently for Amy this afternoon. Was it a vile deed to leave when it became convenient? Perhaps, but hunger and tiredness can do that to a man.
My student Nudee stayed back in class after everyone had left and I saw that she was doing some of her own self study with a Kumon workbook. It looked like a very useful study aid for her and she said she has been using them for about three years to improve herself. Later she sent me a message that she had received a certificate from them for being in the top 5% of around 3000 students in Thailand. She was ecstatic and I told her I was proud of her too.
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 9. Take More Risks. Don’t be such a wimp.
I think this one would be more appropriate for me ten years ago than today. Though ten years ago I was still big into risks – such as moving to a non-English speaking country to live. These days I’m not so big on the risk taking.
As the body’s inevitable decline edges ever closer I’m not so keen on taking physical risks though I suppose I might get further beyond that at some point and just think ‘fuck it’ such as sky diving when I’m 90 or something.
I suppose I still take some risks with money as I’m still investing in releasing records that I’m not certain I can sell. Those are low-level financial risks balanced by spiritual rewards. I’m not going to sink all my money into trying to make a business out of it now.
Amy is still considering the risk of opening a restaurant in Australia which would easily see us use up all our money and probably go into debt. I’m not so keen on this idea though I will happily support her because I think she could do it well. Whatever happened financially though, the stress levels of pursuing that dream might be enough to make me very unhappy. My mindset would probably change though once this plan was executed.
I guess I’m just happy with my life where it is right now and thinking that I would miss this. Once getting into the maelstrom of something though my survival instincts would likely kick in.
I took these pictures on Sunday because this is where I drove to so that Amy’s mum and dad could leave gifts and give thanks because they had come here before to ask for good luck to sell the apartments and within a month they had sold. I don’t know the reason that they came here or even why these monuments are located here, directly opposite a T-junction.
It’s a labour of love, not big dreams But about what being human means Sticking a dollar in the cup, passing through This is all a gift from me to you And back again, that’s our reflection Open to each other’s introspection In for a penny, in for a pound Let’s pass the bucket of life around
Today I’m feeling:
A good vibe. This morning is not too hot. I lazily prepared for the day by rolling back and forth in bed due to stiffness finally getting up and mosying along to Utopia for a delicious throat-soothing coffee. Art told me about his ride to Doi Ang Chang and it looks like a great ride so I messaged Bruno to plan to go there next weekend.
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy’s dad feeling good enough to come out to Central and eat at the seafood restaurant there, where we treated him for his birthday, Amy’s mum for selling her apartments and Nong Aun (Amy’s brother’s girlfriend) for getting a job as a teacher here.
The best thing about today was:
The first coffee was pretty spot on. Meeting Baipad’s mum, sister and three super cute cats was fun.
The fish speciality at Laem Charoen was delicious for lunch. The afternoon and evening are a relaxing chill-out. It’s been a good day.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My sore throat was getting me down a little at times today but I finally got to rest a little for an hour or so after lunch and it’s improved a little since taking some medicine. I dealt with it by soldiering on and despite feeling a little grumpy I don’t think it showed that much.
Something I learned today?
A theory behind renewed conflict in the Middle East is to cut off oil to China. A terrorist attack is said to be rumoured on US soil that will trigger them into war with Iran.
This whole ridiculous idea seems more likely every day. The US is putting all its pieces into play in preparation. The US is isolating itself more and more from the rest of the world and the rest of the world is looking forward to its downfall.
Whilst people were scoffing at the idea of the end of the Empire last year, this view is now going mainstream.
What’s on my mind right now?
This morning I will go and meet my student Baipad and her mum to introduce myself as her teacher. She lives in our village and since opening up to me about her struggles with being bullied in primary school and her father passing away a few years ago I’ve tried to encourage and support her. As she lives close by I suggested that once a week I can bring her home from school and hopefully introduce her to Amy so she can pick up on some confidence-building skills and keep up her English, which she is pretty good at in general.
I took this picture this morning because this oversized asparagus-looking plant is so big that I had to wide angle the shot to get it all in the picture. The multiple mini flowers are cute though not the spectacle-worthy of a stalk growth of this size.
There’s a pink and a black Could this be the game’s end? Snookered by lust unsatisfied Does the old man need a new friend?
A foot in two rivers And maybe the sea will never be found A head in two halves A vehicle in which to be drowned
…at the last we shall not know which was the dream – the years of plenty or the barren years that descended like a storm in the night and swept our youth away.
John Middleton Murry
Today I’m feeling: Tired but chilled Today I’m grateful for: Having some extra sleep time. I felt a little regretful at wasting my morning but I really enjoyed it. The best thing about today was: The uni student with half pink and half black hair. I liked it. It was very striking and I wanted to take a photo but I wasn’t in the mood for talking today.
I took this picture because this was my view from my table at Daytripper at golden hour today.
Luckily I don’t need to be chasing bucks, I can breathe through stressless days; I’m not surrounded by some useless fucks who always listens to what someone else says.
I’m not nostalgic for the weekend gone and not living for the one that’s coming, Today is the day to get things done, I’d rather savour the walk than running.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my dreams – for my dream last night which I know was stimulating and interesting though right now it is out of reach again. I do remember meeting my favourite student, Cake, and she was happy to see me again.
The weekend made me so tired because I like to stay up late watching TV and then reading before going to sleep. Yesterday, Sunday, I went to bed at 7.30, read until 9 and couldn’t understand what I was reading, so went to sleep.
Sometimes I long for those days of finishing school on Friday, partying with friends, bumming around without direction, making our own mischief until Sunday evening came and the weekly bath indicated that that time was gone.
Amy has the possibility to go to the UK to work with Bookie, and it has got me wondering about returning to the UK. Also, Rupert is living in Holt now and is contemplative of how, no matter how much he travelled, he has ended up back close to where he started. Is that our destiny?
Sometimes I miss winter, but feel confident that going through another one would cure me of it!
Well, the last few months have been fine. Just recently though I have not felt so good but hope to start writing some more – will look back through some old notes – remind myself who I am – what I have become.
I don’t want to be lazy but I don’t know what real motivations I have at the moment. I started my Chinese studies at Uni in March and that has been going well though I sense I’m not ‘getting’ everything and really should study much harder.
God – I don’t want to give up on this – I’m sick of giving up – only being half good at anything – I want to be a genius at something! Haha!
5th Apr 2021 – In the early 2000s there was some way to do individual units of Uni courses for a very cheap rate, or at least affordable for me. Having become fascinated with China more and more since arriving in Australia and visiting in 2001, I thought I should give learning the language a go. Macquarie University was within walking distance from home and even though I didn’t understand how universities work I enjoyed walking around the campus and visiting the library when I was bored, especially I would now be able to check out books and videos, of which they had some classic fourth-generation director VHS tapes of movies that I hadn’t yet seen.
The class (Chinese Language 101) had about 20 students and I soon made friends with a young group of high school graduates, a couple of girls and a couple of guys. There was Lina, short, skinny and cute and Emma, plain but attractive and smart. There was Lina’s boyfriend, Paul, also plain and intellectual and then another handsome effeminate guy whose name I forget but was actually the most entertaining of the bunch. He reminded me of me when I was that age. Cocky and unsure with wild mood swings.
At one point during our classes, a pretty Chinese girl joined. Strange, as she could speak Chinese already. Some quirk of the system that allowed her to stay longer as a student and work illegally is my guess. I made friends with her immediately and pursued her as a girlfriend but the language and cultural barriers were too much and I wasn’t brave, smart or emotionally stable enough to figure it out. In short, I was an asshole. (Later in life I could identify this behaviour in some guys who would try and pursue Amy.)
I felt desperate and ended up chasing her away. I was really upset by it and felt worthless and hopeless for a time. Still constantly echoing in my head, TLJ’s words that I always needed to have a girlfriend and couldn’t be alone by myself, ie I didn’t love myself yet.
I always figured a twelve year age gap between male and female should reasonably align with maturity, as was the case with TLJ and me but actually she was still far more mature than me about the things that really mattered.
I can see from this writing I am able to express myself but still not able to find any solutions for myself. Right now, I think I’m blaming my alcohol consumption at the time as a default fallback self-medication.
Who was it who ripped the paper? ‘Sorry sir, it was me’ Get out of the room I don’t want you in my lesson, see? Why did you do it? It was rather silly ‘Well, I’m unemployed And society is against me’ Well, sit down then But don’t be silly again
29th August 2023 – Now I find myself questioning my students about the poor caretaking of their books and papers. I have to remember that I turned out ok in the end!
1994ever 