Once I’ve met all my desires I’ll be sure to conjure some more A constant chase for satisfaction Always trying to even up the score
I’d like to stop this always running Trying to look behind every door I want to exit it altogether Now I’ve considered what life is for
Today I’m feeling:
Relaxed and positive. A little more awake than the last few days. If I had some kind of flu I think I’m on the other side of it now.
Today I’m grateful for:
The Libgen website that makes finding certain books very easy even though I generally download them and then forget about them. I wish I made more time to read and read and read.
The best thing about today was:
Playing guitar for about four hours as I enjoyed some mental stimulation with some cannabutter and half a trip. The music was sounding very smooth, ringing with a perfect ohm.
Something I learned today?
I read about a bookstore owner turned woodcut artist called Han Lilin who discussed a 19th-century anarcho-feminist called He Yin Zhen and led me to a book that analyses her writing.
Han Lilin’s woodcut prints were very cool but I couldn’t find a place that was selling them.
What is my mood today?
Happily elevated today. From getting up lazily to enjoying my coffees, then watching Sydney beat the Suns in a fairly ordinary match, before getting lost in music and tunes and rhythm and finally settling into some TV watching. I didn’t get much of anything done I guess but enjoyed another day that can be endlessly filled with entertainment.
I took this picture because Noey is back from her holiday and when not making me coffee she likes to play with P’ti.
Why did she think she was unlovable? I know she deserved much better than me It hurt us both at the time But the right thing to do to set her free
Then it was I who became unlovable And I myself chose to believe Eventually, we both came to realise It’s only ourselves we deceive
A true story.
Today I’m feeling:
As predicted I had to get up a couple of times in the night as my guts gurgled and my ass burned and I had to skip my usual alarm not getting up for another two-plus hours at around 9.30 am. The grey outside had maintained the same level of brightness that it still seemed early morning. I skipped a shower and went straight for coffee, still wary that caffeine may soon trigger some kind of explosive action from my rear but so far so good.
When I got home I found that our clock had stopped last night and discovered that I had an extra hour and a half of day left. Bonus!
Today I’m grateful for:
Grabbing some soft serve ice cream at the little stall near the market which happens to be next door to where my student Baipad lives. I looked into the shop, which is a hairdresser and saw what must have been Baipad’s little sister running around. She was totally a mini version of Baipad which is saying something as Baipad is already short. She looked super cute.
Anyway, the ice cream was yummy.
The best thing about today was:
The grey skies never lifted for the whole day and rain is forecast 100% for the next eight days too. So it’s difficult to say what might have been the best thing today beyond such usual things as reading books and reading comics. That’s OK. It wasn’t a bad day by any means.
Oh, I just remembered I spent a couple of hours watching the football this morning too. That was pretty good as we won in a tight game with the Giants. With three games left, there is still a slim chance we can make the finals but it means winning every game and other results going our way.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Weather-inspired lethargy set in early. I just went with it.
Something I learned today?
China’s natural gas and oil reserves are deeper than other countries forcing them to drill the deepest holes ever and pushing their technological advancement at the same time.
What are three small victories I’ve achieved lately?
I’d somehow like to think that I have won over at least three lazy naughty students recently but should probably only count that as one.
I’m struggling to think of things I might consider victories. Life might be a battle but moving forward doesn’t feel like victory it just feels normal. Perhaps as a good life should.
Slow improvements to learning Thai and playing guitar don’t feel like victories because that’s the natural outcome of practice.
Victory also feels like it implies that there is a loser too.
Are there three losses that I’ve accepted recently? I don’t think so.
Rista took this picture last week because she wanted to see the camera quality on my new phone. This is her and Namkhing, who everyone seems to love. Her English is very poor but she will happily try when I push her which is a positive as far as I’m concerned. Perhaps this is part of her personality which others find attractive. Posting this picture as, unsurprisingly, I didn’t take any today. With the forecast, I’m wondering when I might take more again.
Undecided. Still a little weary and the skies are dull and grey again though at least there is rain to make the pleasure of staying inside more appealing.
After lunch of Amy’s homemade lasagna, it’s difficult to stay awake and I thought I could play guitar but Amy has gone for a lay down so I’m struggling through. It seems to have gotten darker throughout the day somehow, the mountains drenched in dark most, as the farmer backs and forths through the watery paddy.
Today I’m grateful for:
The wind, our fans and the humidity. Despite it raining today and as it was forecast for the whole week I decided to wash my bedsheets, hang them on the terrace and shove the fan on them. Tonight I’m back in the big bedroom with clean sheets and another fan. Amy is out with Nut tonight and if she comes back late and drunk she can possibly not disturb me if I’m already sleeping.
Amy invited Bee to go with them but never got any reply before she left. Bee had commented on a photo that Amy shared of us all out at dinner, ‘miss you so much’ etc. but we know that she won’t be allowed out by herself by George.
Who knows, maybe she did get out in the end. But I doubt it.
The best thing about today was:
Watching Sydney hang on against the Bombers in the AFL. We have a slim shot of making finals still this year though to be honest we probably don’t deserve it.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Just as I’ve been sitting here writing this Cap came in and pissed on Amy’s bed. A big one, FFS! Just as everything was starting to smell nice…
I took the wet sheets and pillow and dumped them outside on the terrace then soaked up as much pee as I could before throwing a bottle of baby powder over the whole bed.
Something I learned today?
My OG student Momo messaged me today asking me what question to ask someone to find out what kind of person they are? Cute! She’s switched to the Japanese program this year but from what I understand her pertaining to, she is online chatting with an Italian guy using English.
Quite amazing how far we’ve come from pen pals writing letters every couple of months to just being able to immediately connect with someone face-to-face on the phone.
Momo is a very intelligent and cute girl. She can snag a handsome Italian!
What is my favourite photo of the past month?
Oddly, it’s this one. I took four photos of these flowers which hang on big trees. None of the pictures were good but I zoomed in and cut the picture down to just this and it has something about it. The image has stuck with me.
I took this picture because these pretty dragon fruit flowers only look good for a day but they are big and cake-like fluffy. Still no fruit.
Born, as a city born No random fluke A memory made it all Made an engine to get here To travel through time No spontaneous abundance No existence without this
How does the arrow know In which direction its time does flow?
Endless, insufficient, endless Easy to discard, to waste Measured up, down and sideways Space inside a space
Today I’m feeling:
A little strange. But only because I won’t go to school until the afternoon. I’m envious of people who can wake up and do leisure activities before going to work. I’m a wake-up and work person. I like to get the difficult stuff done first and then fully relax. Right now I’m wound up and ready to go with nothing in particular to do. I’ll happily fill my time but in the back of my mind is that anticipation.
Today I’m grateful for:
A little conversation I had with my student Tonaor after school. She and another student missed my class cos she was off doing something so when I saw her I asked what they were doing. She said it was some training about dealing with depression. I was quite surprised to know that this was on the agenda at school and would like to find out more. I also asked Tonaor if she thought she was depressed (which is something I wouldn’t have said was obvious with her) and she said sometimes and that the only time she is happy is when she is with her boyfriend. She understands that this feeling could lead to issues later in life and I’m glad she is a little self-aware though at 13 also understands she doesn’t have the skills yet. I like conversations like this (though it was mostly through translation), getting beyond superficial and playful talk. Some students feel very comfortable doing that with me which I take as a great compliment.
The best thing about today was:
A three-hour sleep-in with dreams about being on a bus or train. Perhaps a reminder that life is about the journey rather than the destination as I woke up before getting to the end. I was surrounded by people I knew but now can’t figure out who they were. It may have just been representations of people I was at school with or something like that.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy called whilst I was watching the football (see below) as she was just about to catch a ferry home and I would be accompanying her for the duration. Well, that’s fine, I can pause the game and carry on later. About 15 minutes in she realises she is on the wrong ferry, so to make use of the time I went out to the garden and picked some weeds whilst we were talking. Eventually, she got back to dry land and had to dash off to the bathroom so she said she’d call back. I decided to stay out in the garden though. As the storm that was threatening got blown away, I started watering. Later Amy called back and I did accompany her home and about an hour and a half after starting our call I was able to get back to the football. Despite leading for most of the game we lost in the last ten minutes and my superstitious mind tells me they lost because Amy interrupted my viewing of it! Of course, I know that’s ridiculous but is something that often crosses my mind. If this didn’t happen then that wouldn’t have happened. From there it goes in ever-decreasing circles. Now I’ve had this thought that also affects the outcome, and then that thought has done the same and on and on. Imagine if we could harness mind power purely for knowledge advancement rather than for ridiculousness.
Something I learned today?
The Swans game was last night and I didn’t even know. I can watch it on replay this evening – woohoo!
(not so much woohoo after watching it!)
What experiences have shaped me as a person?
Er…. all of them? My experience today, this evening, the last five minutes, are all accumulating second by second. Each shaped by the one before into a big mess that forms habits and thoughts that can be identified and hopefully reshaped over time. I watched an interesting podcast yesterday where comedian Antony Jeselnik said that he was glad he didn’t have his life worked out when he was 17. Everyone he knew who did, ended up in a boring humdrum existence. He said if you’re happy and have everything figured out in your fifties then you can be certain you’ve lived a good life. I kinda feel like that’s me though I’m still uncertain if I have anything figured out. So when I see how my students are at school, having fun, playing and generally behaving like children, which is exactly what they are, I guess they will figure things out in their own time too. Who’s to say one form of education is better than another when it comes to the specific realities for these kid’s lives? Being top of the class doesn’t necessarily bring happiness.
I took these pictures because Amy messaged me if I was at school and I sent her these. Is this a school? Every day is playtime for them. They did the work I asked of them though what I ask of them each week diminishes more and more! It’s 2.30 Friday afternoon and the roof fans are just stirring up the hot air that saunters in from outside. It’s relentless and difficult to avoid, sapping energy quicker than a 5-cent battery. I’m fascinated to know where my students might end up in the future.
An ugly glamour The softest skin To the world unwise Set to begin Eyes forever west Where the age awaits Flowers first bloom Mark those dates Love unknown Imagined, anticipated Promises broken Soon tortured and hated In the cemeteries Lives long since lived The sands of time Slowly being sieved
Woke up in a rush as I misinterpreted my alarm settings and only had ten minutes to get up and go to meet Bruno for coffee at Utopia before exploring around the grounds of the university. It was a good way to kickstart the day. I’m flagging a little now at 5 pm but will keep going with some guitar practice.
Today I’m grateful for:
The mimosa and cardamon candle that is burning and making the room smell nice. I was able to buy it online and get it delivered quickly to my humble little home in this tiny village in the jungle hills of Thailand. My ten-year-old self, my twenty-year-old self and even my thirty-year-old self would not have anticipated the possibility of me happily laying in this room at this time. Well done me.
The best thing about today was:
Going on a discovery bike ride around parts of the university that I haven’t seen before. The site is huge and the campus buildings only take up about a tenth of it. We even biked through Wanasom Wellness Center which looks like it was once a nice place but looked run down and dejected though there were a couple of people about but they didn’t seem to be doing anything. So many fancy buildings are put up and then fall into disrepair due to lack of use. I’ve seen some nice homes overgrown and dirty in what I can only guess were once family homes that perhaps folks moved away or died and were just unable to sell. I think that is likely to happen to our home in the end.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Nothing comes to mind today to except the frustration of the Swans v Geelong game ending up a draw. It’s looking doubtful that the Swans will make finals this year and if Geelong don’t make it too it will be the first time ever that both last year’s grand finalists don’t make the right in the year following.
Something I learned today?
I learned a little from Bruno about the weeds in my garden. He was shaking his head at the great variety that our poor soil supports.
What would I like to accomplish this month?
Maybe I should set some targets. The aircon should get fixed. I’d like to start working on a solution to the guttering problem in the garage too. Bruno says to try Mega Home in Bandu. I should go and just get an idea of the cost and possibilities at least. I guess I can include my visa renewal too as Amy will be back here soon to help with that.
I took this picture because Bruno and I came across this family when we were exploring the university’s botanical gardens.
We are a dysfunctional family of four Carrying our tools across the floor Ready to give you all from the heart Before finally ripping ourselves apart
Going from friends to colleagues We grew along with our intrigues Soon we melded ourselves into one Deciding to take the whole world on
The fun stopped one night in the rain The last note ringing could never explain A flick of the switch to mark the end The crowd goodbyes a dearest friend
Dining out on those glories past Provoked so many questions asked Time will put in order the truths The connection made by these four youths
written after reading the Jawbreaker interviews in We Owe You Nothing
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good again. I had better energy and was able to do my warmup in the morning before coffee. The rest of the day has been a steady supply of all right.
Today I’m grateful for:
The beautiful fat dark clouds covering the tops of the mountains this morning after a night of intermittent rain. It looks like it will rain more but I decided to ride my motorbike out for coffee so that I could remember the feeling of being cold (the rain is cold but the air isn’t).
The best thing about today was:
Finally getting to see the Swans win again and with their biggest-ever victory margin as they scored over 200 points against the troubled Eagles. It wasn’t much of a contest but it was better than watching another dire struggle and losing. I managed to beat my shirts into shape getting the ironing done at the same time too. A winning day.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’ve wrenched something in the middle finger middle joint on my right hand and it hurts like hell. I’m not sure when I did it. I did a bit of weeding but I can’t remember feeling anything untoward at the time. It could’ve been when I was hanging, though I don’t recall anything much then either. Playing an hour of guitar probably hasn’t helped either. I’m going to handle it by going to sleep and hope it feels better in the morning.
Something I learned today?
The biggest winning margin the Swans have had is 171 points, which they equalled today. It’s also the first 200-plus point game by any team since 2011. I don’t think it reflects how good the Swans were but how bad the Eagles were.
What is my favourite form of self-expression?
Is this not the living breathing thinking acting form of myself? If I move, if I open my mouth. My favourite form? Myself as a whole. Take it or leave it.
I took this picture from Facebook because it’s fascinating to see Chiang Rai in 1977 which is when I’d just moved to my grandparents’ house in Dorset. It was also 2 years before Amy was even born. This made me think of everything Amy’s grandmum must have seen change in her lifetime here. Time is fast, time is slow.
The view from above A bomb or brain An expanding universe Must always remain The view microscopic Each atom crucial The future in our hands Exploded brutal The view in the mirror Pauses for reflection Thumb on the button Ending perfection
Today I’m feeling:
A little flat still but better than yesterday.
Today I’m grateful for:
The special Royal Canin food that Cap and Tig can eat. It’s expensive but at least it gives them some variety as they don’t have many options due to their health conditions.
The best thing about today was:
Taking my time watching the Swans play well against Richmond. I felt relaxed once we took control of the game in the fourth quarter.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Cap has to drink a supplement once a day. It’s just 2ml and has to be done with a plastic syringe into his mouth. He hates it though especially as it sprays down his throat. As I tried to administer it, Cap quickly moved his head, so I sprayed the liquid into my hand and onto my pants. I just laughed. I’ll get you next time Cap!
Something I learned today?
The one thing I can quickly remember was reading about a Thai guy (one of 9 siblings) who makes around 3 million bagels a year in New York. He works about 100 hours a week and also owns a restaurant. He has an arranged marriage and his wife is still in Thailand. I’m kind of fascinated with New York but not sure if I ever really like to go there.
I took this picture last week because I thought these mini houses, basically just studio apartments have a pretty interesting design and despite my 5 years riding around here I’ve never seen these before and they are probably less than 500 metres from home.
Kick the can down the road It’s a problem for someone else Put the cap back on the bottle Leave it to settle on the shelf Sweep the dirt under the carpet Until there’s someone else to blame Well-versed in this deliberate tactic To put one’s enemies to shame If it ever comes back to bite Just retire and get out of the way Admit that mistakes were made And it’s someone else’s turn to pay
Today I’m feeling:
Tired but a little better than yesterday. It took me a couple of hours to get going though due to lack of sleep.
Today I’m grateful for:
The wind that came today and helped to clear some of the smoke. No doubt it will be replaced by new smoke by the morning. Everyone is hoping and waiting for rain. It’s forecast every day but never eventuates.
The best thing about today was:
I enjoyed watching the football today despite the Swans losing. It was a good game. My mood is slightly improved today.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Being unable to get to sleep was difficult and that made it hard to get up when morning came. When I did get up to feed the cats I wanted to sleep more but found I couldn’t properly and just tossed and turned and lucid dreamed for an hour or so. When I did get up I felt exhausted but awake, not sleepy again. I’m getting sleepy now in the evening and hope I can get a good night’s rest tonight. I want to go to the city tomorrow to renew my licences, do a little work at House and maybe do a little bit of shopping.
Something I learned today?
I feel like perhaps I didn’t learn anything that I didn’t already know. Some days that’s ok but I prefer to feel like I’ve learned something new even if it’s fairly inconsequential. I shouldn’t trap myself into a cycle of just seeing, reading and hearing things that just reinforce my beliefs despite how comforting that can feel these days.
What problem do I need to solve this week?
I need to get beyond this grief and sorrow. I know it’s coming slowly and things I have read have been helping. For example:
When you see anyone weeping for grief, either that his son has gone abroad, or that he has suffered in his affairs, take care not to be overcome by the apparent evil; but discriminate, and be ready to say, “What hurts this man is not this occurrence itself,- for another man might not be hurt by it, – but the view he chooses to take of it.” As far as conversation goes, however, do not disdain to accommodate yourself to him, and if need be, to groan with him. Take heed, however, not to groan inwardly too.
Epictetus, Handbook 16
I am the one weeping for grief and I must accommodate myself. Another is not hurt by the events in my life, and neither should I be. It is the view that I am taking. It feels harsh but true.
I am kicking myself too. I know that everything alive will die, why do I fight against this knowledge? In some ways, grief feels selfish.
I couldn’t get to sleep last night feeling hot when it was cold and cold when it was hot. My eyes stung from the pollution and my mind recalled recent events. I consoled myself by looking at photos of Kim, hearing her little purrs and feeling our nose rubs and smelling her head. I was teary but felt better but still not sleepy so I read more Khalil Gibran and was inspired by his quotes, many touching the raw nerve of what it is to be human.
“When either your joy or your sorrow becomes great the world becomes small.”
“The bitterest thing in our today’s sorrow is the memory of our yesterday’s joy.”
These were comforting for me and finally, I got to sleep though not long enough.
I took this picture because it’s unusual to find these two sitting together, both at the door looking out. I didn’t even notice them until I opened the door coming back from coffee.
The fire is out, now just smouldering A burden the beast has been shouldering Look beyond the mountain towards the sea The red moon rising so graciously A bell is calling to gather the bulls A rope is the life on which it pulls The will to work is never satisfied Around the tree where stories are tried Broken leaves sail down to earth An imitation of an angel’s worth All the chanting and all the prayers There’s nothing dancing, nothing cares
Today I’m feeling:
Flat and sad. Lonely but not alone.
Today I’m grateful for:
Condolences from Art, Fon and Jess as well as Hayden, following up and checking in on me. I really appreciate that. Like Amy, I’m also feeling like not wanting to talk directly with anyone much even though people are being nice.
The best thing about today was:
I tried to keep myself distracted as much as I could today. Washing bed sheets after Tigger sprayed next to the bed again getting some on the doona, going shopping, starting ironing, watching football. It worked for a while. I think I’m nearly cried out now.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Nothing springs to mind today. This is a quiet time now.
Something I learned today?
I found out that the familiar old guy at the Swans games (Kenny Williams, I also learned) had passed away recently and his ashes were spread on the Sydney Cricket Ground. He was honoured by the Swans with a seat with his name and also one for his wife who survives him. That guy was a legend.
What happened today worth remembering? Whilst I was talking to Amy on a video call, Cap and Tig came out into the garden to do some investigating. Cap was in the corner near the termite mound and Tigger stalked him from the garage. Amy thinks Tig’s eyesight may be no good now and doesn’t recognise Cap from afar. These old boys are handsome and beautiful. I hope they can stay with me for a long time.
Amy took this picture back in November 2018 not too long after we got Kim Chi. Amy is putting together all our cat photos in Facebook albums.
Princess Amy, she’s so lazy She will never become the queen Made her teacher really crazy Because she lives inside a dream
Princess Amy still never learns But all her friends are growing They are all taking their turns Off to bright futures going
Will the princess ever see The wisdom of work instead? Will the princess ever be Able to get out of her bed?
a poem for one of my students
The laws that govern circumstances are abolished by new circumstances.
Napoleon
Today I’m feeling: Happy Today I’m grateful for: Amy’s parents bringing me food again. I was out at the time, at Daytripper, doing more lesson preparation and dropped by the market to pick up some dinner. A stall was selling pla duk foo which I hadn’t seen there before so I grabbed that and some bananas. When I got home I saw that Amy’s parents had left some food and when I checked the bag it was pla duk foo and bananas! I’ve got a lot of eating to do! The best thing about today was: Reading some random text from a teaching English book and being able to add an idea to make my lessons more interesting for my students next semester. Doesn’t sound too exciting I know but I was inspired enough to update all my lessons immediately. Another thing was coming across a KLS video from 2016 that was fantastic to see and got my little brain running again about organising a tour for them here. I think it would go really well. I need to start looking into this more. If you started a sports team, what would the colours and mascot be? I suppose I might pick blue after my childhood soccer passion for Ipswich Town and Italy. The red and white of Sydney Swans would perhaps remind too much of Arsenal. As for a mascot, I don’t know. I must admit I would not be a good person to make these decisions as I consider them to be irrelevant though I understand their purpose, it’s just not something I’m interested in.
I took this picture because I was surprised to find Kim here on Amy’s pillow. I also find it cute to see cats sleep in this position. In fact it makes me envious. Unfortunately, rockets from the funeral next door sent her off hiding behind the bed again soon after I took this.
1994ever 