I am so happy and grateful to be able to afford to fly to visit my friends.
Hanlon’s Razor – never attribute to malice what be attributed to stupidity.
To-do list
Follow usual morning routine ✅
Wear make everywhere ✅
Meditate ✅
Find out about SIM card ✅
Enjoy time with Epit and his kids ✅
It was a terrible start to the day as Amy and I fought over money and my travelling. I was so upset I wanted to cancel my plans and not go to KL. I don’t feel like Amy’s frustrations are really about money or me travelling but more connected with her feelings about Thailand.
I want to suggest to her that she goes back to Australia later in the year and work there for three months and see how she feels. Something has to change.
My plan now is to try and enjoy 12 months more of teaching in the school and if I can’t get on with it then I will stop and just teach at home and online. I think Amy can go back to Australia and work if she really feels like money is going to be a big problem. It doesn’t have to be for six months at a time but that’s up to her.
Another possibility is that she really gets behind teaching at home. I feel like she hasn’t really invested herself into it to make it a viable income yet.
The other thing we should do is to sell the house. I’m sick of always having to think about money and if it is spoiling our happiness even when we live in a beautiful home then we can live anywhere. It doesn’t matter. So long as I can have a space to call my own and a happy Amy then that’s what I want.
I am so happy and grateful for my psychiatrist who prescribes me my medicine. Can I live without it?
Forgiveness is choosing to not let negative events of the past define how you feel about someone or something in the present.
Mark Manson
To-do list
Finish Chinese drawing.
Eye-gaze practice – so difficult! ½
Stay calm. Talk less. ½
Staple exam papers. ✅
Focus on colours today ½
Stayed calm but talked quite a bit with Said and George.
Occasionally focused on colours and tried to remember about eye gazing. It’s really uncomfortable though!
I stayed calm during a difficult lesson this morning but some of the smarter kids had a great idea to go outside and finish the lesson and it worked out really well.
My other lesson was fine and I spent a couple of hours talking with George. I really look up to his way of thinking and want to push myself to end up like that too. I found myself interrupting him in conversation sometimes though and must try not to do that, and to really listen to what he is saying rather than just waiting to say the thing I want to say.
I felt a bit rejuvenated after that though not having any proper lunch made me tired as I got home. I did, however, feel some relief at it being the end of the working week for me.
Tomorrow I will use the time on the plane to read and meditate.
I am so happy and grateful to my aching feet. They suffer but are still going. My aching hips, just working. My dodgy knee, my crooked neck, my weak wrists. One day so these pains will be gone. So will I.
What decides whether a sum of money is good? The money is not going to tell you.
Epictetus, Discourses
To-do list
Finish Kru Noon’s card ½
Start picture for Tian
Start spreadsheet for WDS tour ✅
Listen to Donald Robertson lecture ½
Plan to take Amy to OK@Chiang Rai ✅
In a much more positive frame of mind today. The knowledge of no longer working in this school has taken the pressure off but it is making me wonder why I can’t just think like that all the time? I’m hoping that the move to a new school and position will give me the fresh approach I need. I tried to do that this semester and was only somewhat successful. Now I have a little more experience under my belt.
I will have a job interview tomorrow and hopefully, that will go well. I should take a notebook with me and make notes. I don’t think I’ll ask too many questions and will suggest some ideas I have based on some textbooks I found useful today too.
I chatted for about 20 minutes with Fred this morning and we discussed the failings of the schools in Thailand and our different methods of dealing with it. I am quite aware that my method is not the best way. I must learn the way that can keep me calm and happy and at the same time try to do my best for the students.
I’m giving myself another 12 months to see if I can turn things around for myself. I will try to do this by remembering how George deals with things and consciously putting them into practice. I feel like some of the pieces of the puzzle are coming together today. I feel strong enough to be able to deal with things. I just hope I can maintain this when difficult situations arise.
I believe in fairness, justice, learning, compassion etc… but so do many other people….
Perhaps there are things that other people believe that I do not, such as gods, more money will make you more happy etc… Many people believe those things too though.
I feel like this is a trick question and should force you to contemplate all the things you do believe. When you examine them all maybe there will be something there that no one else believes?
Is there anything that one person might believe that no one else believes though? Even something obscure is likely to be believed by another person somewhere in the world. As you voice it for the very first time, someone else might agree!
What about this? Is there something you used to believe that you no longer do? When you stop believing something you sometimes block it out and disown it as if you never really believed it. Did I used to believe in ghosts? Some strange things happened that I couldn’t explain then but can explain now. Is that just learning and growing away from ignorance? Is it possible to grow so far away from ignorance, to be able to explain everything, to no longer have any beliefs? Is that some sort of nirvana the Buddhists idealise?
If you believe we live in a simulation then do you really know that one foot goes in front of another when you are walking or do you just believe it is so?
This stupid question has raised more than I’ve been able to answer. Ok, good. Keep the old brain ticking.
I’m off to start on my list of things I believe.
Who called? What the hell did they say? Get off the telephone right now Don’t throw another minute away
Karate – There Are Ghosts
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I don’t have to teach at school for the next two days. Even though it was a late notification and bad planning it’s good for me anyways.
To-do list
Finish Kieran’s letter today! ✅
Study TOEFL templates ½
Connect with someone ✅
Random act of kindness ✅
Clear videos and emails ✅
I really enjoyed being able to sit in the quiet classroom and finish off Kieran’s letter as well as read a few other things and make some random notes. I skipped out in the afternoon so we could do some much-needed shopping. I don’t know if anyone will say anything tomorrow about not being there the whole day but it does feel a bit unreasonable to expect us to stay the whole day when there is nothing much to do.
It’s the constant annoying frustration of disorganisation and I am learning more to go with the flow.
Spent another enjoyable hour talking with Bruce and thinking of strategies to help him improve. I’m afraid it may be a long journey for him and I don’t want him to think that I’m just milking him for money so I will do my best to facilitate with what he needs to pass his exam.
I was calm and collected for the whole day and employed some of the techniques from the Smiling Mind meditations – becoming conscious of breathing and practising focus on people communicating – not just words but facial and body language, interactions within groups etc. When in those group communications I could have paused longer and forfeited my stories to enjoy theirs more. If I have that opportunity again tomorrow I will practice this.
Tomorrow I will spend all day reading, writing, learning and thinking.
First: an implicit or explicit sense that you are an ‘important’ person. Second: an implicit or explicit sense that you are surrounded by idiots.
– Eric Schwitzgebel (blog extract)
Hands up if you’ve ever been a jerk? There should be no hands down. Please comment if you have never been a jerk. Not even once.
Here’s all the times I was a jerk…….
No, no, no, I’m not going to do that! Not here anyway.
I wonder if we actually are surrounded by idiots, or if those people have chosen a simpler path that just makes them appear to be idiots to others. They must have some redeeming qualities.
As individuals, we seem to be quite together, perhaps even inconsequential, yet when we get together to form systems or groups we often devolve into idiothood.
Sometimes I wish I was ignorant and close-minded. Then the truth – the reality – doesn’t matter.
So, I’m sorry to everyone who ever felt that I was a jerk to them. I’m trying.
Well, I feel bad And I’ve felt worse And I’m a creep And I’m a jerk
Mudhoney, Touch Me I’m Sick
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my phone and this app (just called Gratitude). It reminds me of all the little things I should be grateful for.
To-do list
Finish reply to Kieran ½
Start creating events for WDS ½
Enjoy teaching Bruce again ✅
Case more CDs ½
Do not complain. Think before speaking ½
Got thrown an extra class this morning but luckily it was with one of the better classes of students. The following classes all went well too but I’m starting to feel worn down. I was wondering today if I’m just jealous of the freedom that the kids have, their care-less attitudes, their joys and grievances.
There was almost a fight today as two kids stood up to each other. I was curiously, happily watching it progress and wanted to see how the class dealt with it themselves. I’m not sure if someone was expecting me to step in but eventually Kru Noon did and it was a little disappointing that it fizzled out.
My self-control was tested somewhat when finding out late in the afternoon that there are no classes for the next two days but I looked on the bright side for myself rather than thinking about the unstructured disrupted learning these kids are going through. Two easy days ahead. I hope I get to spend more of this free time in the quiet classroom and write, think and study more.
I taught Bruce again today and he wants to study 2-3 times a week which is good for me. I need to do a bit more research for his lessons as he wants to learn about TOEFL exams for speaking.
I learned today that I can push through and enjoy it when teaching, even when I’m tired. I can improve my methods when teaching Bruce as I feel they have dropped off somewhat at Anuban. As Mohan laughingly mentioned ‘Once you start teaching here you can’t teach anywhere else.’ This shows me his satisfaction at his job and settled into this style, knowing its limitations and drawbacks. Can I do the same? I think I have to if I want to stay sane.
14th May 2024 – Four years later I can safely say that I have settled into a working style that is suitable for here but as Mohan infers, it would be very difficult to be a teacher anywhere else after this.
You solve the problem that caused the visible problem.
You avoid the problem.
When solving visible problems, it’s easy to signal value creation to others. If you work in a large organization with a regular paycheck, few people ask if the problems should exist in the first place. Instead, everyone thinks you’re indispensable because you’re so busy solving problems.
As you move toward avoiding problems before they happen, visibility decreases. Explaining what you do all day becomes harder and more subjective. Rewarding people for something that didn’t happen is very difficult. Thus, it becomes risky for the employee to avoid problems.
From Farnam Street’s Brain Food Newsletter
“If you work in a large organization with a regular paycheck, few people ask if the problems should exist in the first place.” Reading this took me right back to my old IT office job.
I really loved that job when I first started. It was overlooking Sydney Harbour Bridge and the Opera House. I worked my ass off to learn as quickly as I could. Years later I was rewarded with a technical administration position, which was better than it sounds.
It was a steep learning curve which involved a lot of testing, installations, maintenance, programming and 24 hour support. The product was a top of the range piece of software. It had just turned the year 2000 and money was flowing freely through the institutions that were supported. Work was interesting and fun.
Slowly, money started to dry up and upgrades were delayed. Often the users would demand it whilst their finance departments would not agree to pay for it. These battles went on consistently for about a decade. During that time all that I needed to do was to make sure the thing kept running. My typical work day could be over after 5 minutes of checking emails. So I made good use of the super fast internet, the office supplies and the printers.
Eventually they started replacing the product I was supporting with a cheaper alternative. Of course users complained because now their minor problems were turning into major problems. To save money, costed money. But it was more cost effective for my employer to pay penalties to the customer for fuckups than it was ensure the fuckups didn’t happen in the first place.
Eventually, after 13 years of arguing for better planning and products, sitting quietly doing my own things on company time, I was made redundant. It was an amazing relief to be honest, and it changed the course of my life. Much for the better, I like to think.
Now, wherever I am working, I can see the same redundant systems in place. The ‘work smarter, not harder’ mantra hasn’t managed to infiltrate everywhere as yet.
It won’t work, Won’t work no more….
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for our beautiful house. It feels like a home.
I am so happy and grateful to make friends with these puppies, even though they ate my shoes.
To-do list
Reply to Kieran ½
Catch up with Stoa and Daily Stoic ✅
Search more about TOEFL for Bruce ✅
Write a blog entry ✅
Get more CD cases finished! All? ½
An easy two-lesson day that could have been easily disrupted when I was told I could no longer use the library so I had to think quickly about new lessons which wasn’t too stressful.
I was pretty quiet today, still a bit tired from the weekend. I even lost my wallet at one stage but that didn’t phase me and I figured where it may have fallen out of my pocket and sure enough they had found it in the cafe. That’s the first time I have ever lost my wallet or anything out of my pockets. That’s a pretty good record but hopefully not a sign of things to come.
Things I could have improved on would be to not join in when other teachers are complaining. I don’t do it too much but it’s easy to fall into it.
I feel like I got a lot done today but still like I have a lot to do. None of these things are essential but one I do have to start getting on top of is the WDS tour so I’ll get back on to that tomorrow. I also start teaching Bruce online again so that will be a bit of extra cash coming in too.
“Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on—it isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human, and therefore manlier. A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance—unlike the angry and complaining. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.” —MARCUS AURELIUS, MEDITATIONS, 11.18.5b
I’ve never been a manly man. Well, I say that, though I can remember trying to be one from about ages 11-14. Then I started getting bullied a bit at school and realised I wasn’t ever going to be a strong boy physically.
Not me but you get the idea…
I retreated into my mind but taking resentment and bitterness there. I filled myself with seething hatred for everything around me, confusing what I considered personal injustice with larger injustices of the world. Everything was against us. It was us and them, whoever us was and whoever they were.
I dove head first into the moshpits of punk rock. Besides my mother, punk really was a rock for me to hold on to. Sometimes I clung too tight but eventually I found my way.
Justice and fairness are still amongst my top character strengths, thankfully along with curiousity and gratitude – those two came later.
These days I’m trying to calm my mind to bring some inner peace but the tunes of yesterday still rattle around from dawn to dusk. This inner noise is it’s own sort of peace, it’s familiarity calming, the anger gone.
Man is spelt big M.A.N. it’s the letters of the law, Man is spelt big M.A.N. that’s who the law is for.
– Crass
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the supportive teachers around me. They have helped me cover a lesson today and it was easy to stand once I found the right person to talk with.
You can’t learn what you think you already know.
Epictetus (paraphrase)
To-do list
Arrange someone to manage the class I miss. ✅
Make another blog post around an article. ✅
Ride bike to get a haircut.
More Coursera/another DIY article. ½
WDS – follow up on BKK and Yogya shows. ½
I’m starting to feel comfortable and relaxed at school. Able to deal with unexpected conditions, which seem to arise often. I still feel connected with the students but not so intensely involved. I will do what I can for them and try to prepare a good plan for them for learning but I’m going to over-invest my time, even though I do really love to push myself and always think to do the very best I can.
Without the pressure and expectations from the school for continuing with them next semester I am enjoying all the situations, good and bad, and I realise now that this is how I should try to feel all the time at work.
It’s just occurred to me this idea in opposition, of being a very organised person and having to work in a very disorganised environment. Instead of a strict organisation of ideas for lessons, I should have an outline plan and then be ready and organised for disruption. So, a good solid base to work from and then prepared to add on to it. Work smarter.
I talked a little bit with Kevin today and he was surprised at my involvement in music.
I also managed to complete deleting about 90% of my ‘friends’ on Facebook. Most of them are unnecessary for my day-to-day and if either I or they wish to connect again for any reason we are still able to but I’d like to think of myself using Facebook as opposed to Facebook using me. Communicating in short sound bytes is not effective and nuanced, becomes frustrating and just making me anxious about useless things.
I want to concentrate more on writing on my blog – that gives me a deeper satisfaction. It’s not particularly important if anyone sees it or not – I just want to go through the process, forge a habit, think better and ultimately feel better.
I am so happy and grateful to Said for loaning me 100 baht so I could buy coffee.
It is a joy to be hidden…..but disaster not to be found.
DW Winnicott
To-do list
More exam preparation ✅
Typhoon game for revision
Review each hour at night
Think before speaking – do not complain ½
No Facebook at work ✅
Spent free time at work today finishing the final exam questions. That’s me prepared until the end of April.
I challenged myself today with the question – ‘what can you do to surprise your partner?’ After a little thought I realised I should book somewhere nice for us to go for our tenth wedding anniversary. I’m really happy with myself about that. It will be a fantastic time.
My challenge for each hour of today: 6am – stretch, meditate, shower, eat, five points challenge 7am – drove to work, prepared extra worksheets 8am – got coffee and did some reading from Daily Stoic* 9am – worked more on the IEC exam, went to pee many times 10am – continued on exams and got another coffee 11am – finished exam paper and printed, messaged Jim and dropped off 12pm – ate lunch and read some more Daily Stoic 1pm – watched Coursera videos and failed the quiz 2pm – fixed set up in library just in time for the only lesson of the day 3pm – rushed through the lesson, Jim returned exams for updates 4pm – fixed exam papers and dropped off again, drove home 5pm – finished reading A Chinese Life 6pm – watched some TV, and looked at Facebook for the first time 7pm – ate dinner and discussed holiday plans with Amy 8pm – here in bed, writing this and will read next
*What do you remember reading from Daily Stoic today? If you can’t remember then I think I didn’t really take in what I was reading.
I am so happy and grateful to my Mum for all her hard work. She loved her work making knitwear. I am so happy and grateful to all the partners in my life, those who helped me grow one way or another. I am so happy and grateful to all my work colleagues, even though I didn’t get involved so much in their lives I could still learn things from them, whether I liked them or not.
…a limit of time is fixed for you and if you do not use it for clearing away the clouds from your mind, it will go and you will go with it and it will never return.
Marcus Aurelius
To-do list
Go out and enjoy time with Amy ✅
Meditate in my room ✅
Cut up stickers, put some up in the city ½
Go to gym
Random act of kindness
The day disappeared so quickly after taking the opportunity to sleep in until 8 am.
I enjoyed time in my room in the morning, then teaching in the afternoon and Amy and I had a great time in the city despite how tired I was.
I’m not sure how I’ll feel tomorrow but I should only have one lesson to teach in the afternoon anyway.
Music from Aksak Maboul, North of America, The Milkshakes, Lungfish, UXA, Tipographica, The Cramps, Ex-Models, Magma, Cicala Mvta, Cicatriz En La Matriz, Trick Cigarettes, Neutral Sons, Karminsky Experience, Undertones.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the sun this morning. It’s cold again so sitting in the sun feels good on my face.
In order to live at all one must come to terms with non-living.
Analysis of Levin, Anna Karenina
To-do list
Record new TCRAH ✅
Go to the gym in the morning
Try to pick Amy up
Visualise and review the day hour-by-hour
Spent time enjoying the room ½
Today got derailed somewhat as Amy and I had a minor fight before Amy even got out of bed. She wanted to talk about my passport and it being delivered by DHL to Chiang Mai. I know this is on her mind but trying to think about serious things may be better done after getting up and being more prepared for the day.
This start left us both in a bad mood and I felt unmotivated to do what I had planned. After coffee, I had thought to go to the gym but just by chance, it was closed anyway.
We both picked ourselves up a bit by lunchtime but I felt a sort of relief to not be thinking too much about my daily challenges and practising more philosophical ideas.
Even though I enjoy the weekend teaching I am starting to feel a little like a machine. I’m not exhausted by it but would like more available contemplative time.
1994ever 