Proof – 3rd March 2024

My cup is always half-full
I counter the push and pull
You cannot pull the wool
Over my eyes

This game of life is fun
Whether in snow or sun
Today is another one
Of the best

Even when shadows fall
I can counter them all
There will be no wall
I cannot jump

Like Sisyphus, I will climb
Loving each moment in time
Living this life of mine
To the fullest

Submitted to Ovi Poetry Challenge 37: POSITIVITY


“And in the pain, there is strength.”

As a depressed teenager I carved LIFE IS PAIN into my arm. It is a constant reminder. I live for the struggle.

Where I now teach, some students were wasting time in class playing a (pretty dumb) video game. I asked them what they got out of it and they said it was fun and they learned that by driving the car faster they earned more points.

I asked them how this was useful in real life and they had no answer. I told them that life is not fun. They looked at me seriously and asked me what it was and I sure told them…. LIFE IS PAIN.

To reiterate the point I twisted their arms behind their backs until it hurt and asked them – WHAT IS LIFE!? PAIN, PAIN – they screamed.

We all laughed (please don’t imagine that I am some sort of ruthless prison guard with my hyperbole) and they went back to their game.

But one day…..they will remember this.

Today I’m feeling:

Positive and happy. With Amy off for the day, I will take some time to catch up on emails and writing.

Today I’m grateful for:

The twenty-baht shop where I bought more light bulbs. The lady there is an attractive and young-looking woman but today I discovered, and couldn’t believe, that she has a daughter who looks about 8 or 9 years old. The daughter was curious about me and when I gave her a wink she broke out a big smile.

The best thing about today was:

It’s been a pretty lazy relaxing afternoon with a bit of reading and watching YouTube.  Watering the garden was about as good as it gets.  I want to see things grow, grow, grow.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Although it was in my control I ended up spending about 1000 baht today, buying coffee, light bulbs, soda water and remembering to order the car seat covers on Lazada.  No more inessentials for the rest of the month now….

Something I learned today?

From Rise of the Global South Telegram group: Swedish Diplomat Count Folke Bernadotte Personally Saved 31K Jews from Nazi Concentration Camps – He was Shot Dead by Members of the Jewish Stern Gang in Jerusalem in 1948

He was killed at point-blank range in a motorcade ambush after writing a UN report based on the devastated Palestinian villages he personally witnessed.

The go-ahead for the murder came from the future Prime Minister of Israel, Yitzhak Yezernitsky.

Israel knew the names of the men who committed the murder, yet nobody was charged.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I took Amy to the city and the family to the temple for Grandmum’s 100-day prayers. Then, I dropped Mum and Dad home, picked up Aor and dropped her and Amy at Paew’s. My taxi duties done for the day.

25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO –  23. Create Something. Not to leave a legacy, you won’t be here to see it anyway, but to be of use. Make music, write a book, build a table, anything. You’ll feel good about yourself, plus you give something back to people to use or enjoy.

Growing up I always seemed to be creating something (apart from a nuisance), from artwork, poetry and lyrics, music (of a sort), then creating or advancing a scene in the Sydney DIY space, producing records and so on.

I’m proud of the things that I have done and consider it my legacy but only for myself to enjoy.  It has all made me feel good about myself and I know I have inspired others with some of the things I have created and seen them get enjoyment from them too.  Every day I still create something.

I took this picture at temple prayers for Grandmum and while not having any connected belief to this or any faith, I did find this short ceremony quite comforting.

When Old Friends Visit – 18th January 2024

Thanks for the visit last night
Was there a reason to come?
I wasn’t really doing anything
Perhaps that’s why you came along

And why were you the way you were?
Not quite happy it seemed
We still couldn’t even share a joke
Even in a meeting dreamed

I had to leave quickly
I felt like you were perturbed
I closed the door behind me
And woke up quite disturbed

Typing this one out has given me deja vu. I feel like I may have written something similar about another dream I had. This one though was about the anxiety of meeting an old friend after tens of years and left on bad terms. In this real dream, I had last night, the meeting did not go well


Today I’m feeling:

Tired from a 5.30 am start to start the last day of Grandmum’s funeral. It occurs to me that this (kinda) solemn occasion is a huge stress on the family. There are so many ‘rules’ and traditions that should be followed, to do it the ‘right’ way, that it’s impossible to be perfect.

By the time we got to the crematorium, stress levels were up and it almost felt like forgetting why I was there. That was soon remedied though when the coffin was opened for the family to pour coconut water over the face and body. I turned to see Amy crying and it tore at me as I teared up too as she poured over some water and said goodbye and then I was full of grief again.

At this point though, all the ceremony of the last few days made more sense in my mind.

Today I’m grateful for:

The family again for including me as part of them and not minding too much when I did not know what to do in these circumstances.

The best thing about today was:

The best thing about today will be crawling back into bed and enjoying sleep. Things get back to normal tomorrow but I can’t wait for the weekend already. 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Sadly I lost my streak on my Thai study app as I’ve been too busy running around this week. I’ll not beat myself up about it because it doesn’t change the things I’ve learned already. I’m trying to make the learning a little more difficult again to push myself. I’ll get back to it.

The scheduled quiz I set for my class to do this morning didn’t work, which was a little frustrating. Thankfully there was some free time at the ceremony where I could set it up again

Something I learned today?

Assigning work to a class always teaches me who can be responsible for themselves and who will just take advantage. 

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Today I was Amy’s little worker and I obediently did what I was told without complaint, even when we did things that seemed odd to me. In the morning I carried a tray of food to another building where we sat for a few minutes and then walked back to where we started. That tray was heavy after a while but I didn’t complain.

Either we went to that place by mistake or there was something about the food being in that space for a few minutes that gave it some kind of blessing that I’m not privy to. There is a lot of symbolism going on that I don’t understand and would scoff at if I did.

I took this picture because this cutie decided to take a rest at the bottom of the temple stairs.

Click Click – 16th January 2024

At the flick of the switch
There’s no transformation
Remaining an ape or beast
Change requires dedication
No more time to waste
If you wish the click to clack
When you look at the sun
It’s impossible to put it back

Reflecting on our animal nature
A broken machine needing self-repair
Once burdened by distraction
Soon found themselves made it there
Feed the mind with thought
That keeps on the light
Keep quiet and count the days
When everything became quite right


Today I’m feeling:

A bit more relaxed after an extra hour’s sleep. Today is teachers’ day (apparently) and a day off from school though we are busy again at the temple. At least I got two Utopian coffees to kick off this morning.

I didn’t feel too hot after lunch and though feeling sleepy couldn’t get into a deep nap state.

Today I’m grateful for:

Whoever made the Thai snack boxes for the funeral ceremony tonight. There were enough left over for me to take some home.

The best thing about today was:

Mostly devoting my time to other people, though at the temple I’m not really doing much because I don’t know the etiquette or what is required but as soon as I’m asked I will do what is needed.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

At Utopia this morning I couldn’t stop sneezing! I sneezed about fifty times and Nick and Art were worried about me!

Something I learned today?

The top five wealthiest people in the world doubled their wealth last year! Just in one year. I’m guessing that for many others in the world, they halved their wealth. The miracle of trickle-up economics, or should I say flooding-up?

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I’ve been a good boy again, doing as I’m told at the temple. I kneeled to the boy monk as I handed him pizza for lunch! Good luck boy monk. Stay off your phone.

Driving twice in and out of the city again despite feeling not 100%. Tired by the afternoon and my sinuses feel uncomfortable.

List 3 good things you have now that you didn’t have five years ago.

I thought that this would be difficult as I haven’t really acquired ‘things’ that much but five years is a long time and I acquired one of the biggest things in people’s lives and that is a home.

This time five years ago our house was built but it hadn’t quite been turned into a home, at least as I feel about it now.

I feel comfortable and safe around our house and neighbourhood and inside is Amy’s playground for decorating. If I thought about it more and knew where to buy things easily and cheaply perhaps I would make a home environment that suits me too but I’m also a little lazy to do that. Mine and Amy’s ideas are not that compatible and I’m happy to defer to her in this instance. Actually, I’m happy to defer to her most of the time.

Five years ago I didn’t have a guitar and that cheap instrument has brought me a lot of pleasure since purchase. I don’t think that a better quality guitar will improve my playing that much so I’m happy with what I’ve got.

The last thing I have is a deeper love. My love and connection with my students has grown so much in this time and it fills me with joy. I wonder where all our futures will take us.

As I was messaging with Baipad, who is in her grandmum’s village for ดำหัวผู้ใหญ่, she told me that her mum told her to send me this picture of them in their traditional Lahu dress. 
Fatman report

Field Of Ghosts – 9th December 2023

I was beautiful where I broke
A dim light kept shining
Although the tears began to choke
Later came the silver lining

Returning to the field of ghosts
Where the heartache remains
Memories raise glasses in toasts
To what the future explains

inspired by this post at Spinning Visions blog


Today I’m feeling:

Great and ready to go. Up at 6am to head out with Bruno on a long ass bike ride that I’m following him along on. Right now, after 8 hours on and off we’re in the middle of some mountains waiting to go up to see a temple perched right at the top of a craggy cliff.

Today I’m grateful for:

The guy who came to help us use the petrol pump outside a village in the mountains. We didn’t need his help and he was just curious about is but we appreciated him anyways. 

The best thing about today was:

Stopping in a pretty well-kept mountain village somewhere between Chiang Mai and Lampang and enjoying a coffee in an old wooden cafe overlooking a small community square where kids were playing.

(Later) We opted for going up to Wat Chaloem before it was too late and I’m glad we did. It was an expensive entry for foreigners but compared with anywhere else in the world I found it good value. After a van ride and an exhausting walk up steep steps the views from the top were incredible. When I saw the mountain in the distance as we were riding towards it through the valley, I couldn’t believe that there was a temple up there and then I was up there looking back down.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Bruno was a little frustrated with me and how slow I was riding but I just wanted to enjoy the journey for as long as possible. His personality has him racing everywhere. Well, he is the way he is and I am the way I am. 

To be honest I haven’t felt quite so comfortable riding my bike since coming off it last year. That was only a minor incident but it was a good reminder of how easy and quickly an accident can happen. I’m way more cautious going around corners now especially when there is gravel on the road.

Something I learned today?

I learned a lot about the roads through the mountains around Chiang Mai and Lampang and the villages nestled within. I learned a little more about myself and about Bruno.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

 At one of the lookout points we chatted with a Russian couple that live in Chiang Mai. 

We deliberately stopped at a nice village cafe and I bought some expensive coffee honey from them to give them a boost.

I petted several dogs including a beauty at the temple that had a reddened eye and only three legs. It was very affectionate.

When was the last time I felt overwhelmed?

From memory that was when I was working at Woolworths and having to deal with my asshole boss. I’m sure he may have been a good boss for the company but that’s the kind of person I despise. Someone who puts the corporation ahead of people is not to be trusted!

Anyway, that situation badly affected me as it was tied in with physical pain from overwork along with depression and (apparently) PTSD. I was supremely grateful to get out of that situation as I felt myself going out of control.

I took lots of beautiful photos today but chose this picture because this is what I was faced with when I went to brush my teeth. This is Thailand, this is jungle country.

Incomplete Stories – 24th June 2023

The tale of the incompetent teenager
That can dig himself out of a hole
Because this moment will last forever
And it’s slowly eating away his soul
The book is only at the first chapter
And it could easily be snatched away
The pleasure is in anticipation
For the years, the months, tomorrow and today


Today I’m feeling:

I slept so much last night that my body was stiff when I finally got up. After 13 hours or so of rest I thought I’d be rested enough but I couldn’t muster the energy to even do my usual jumping jacks warm-up or ride my push bike to Utopia. My two coffees also didn’t have the impact I was hoping for perhaps spoiled by the remnants of last night’s beers though the aftertaste was pretty good. By 11.30 I had started to do some reading but found myself nodding off quickly and despite hoping to avoid an afternoon nap I couldn’t resist and started it early. Waking at 1.30 I dashed out for a big plate of lardna before the forecast heavy rain was due still feeling hungry picked up a bunch of ice creams on the way back. Again hoping these foods would turn into energy I sat at home dazed not knowing what to do so put on some music and dosed again. Finally, after talking to Amy and feeding the cats I felt my energy return and picked up the guitar for an hour and a half and read some more. It’s weird how zonked I am on Saturdays now.

Today I’m grateful for:

My energy finally returning as I was finding myself feeling depressed and useless. I’m thinking I need to eat a little more again, especially when I’m working out a little harder than before and even though I’m trying to lose this excess fat. Maybe my balance isn’t quite right yet. I wonder how much of my teenage depression was aggravated by bad eating and sleeping habits.

The best thing about today was:

Reading an inspirational Facebook post from Champ who has been in Melbourne for six months already now. I knew he would post something like this at some point. He is highly motivated and pushes himself and he is a great example for our students to not give up and that if you want to achieve anything you have to keep going, getting back up each time you’re knocked down and working through the tough times. I linked all my students to his post in the hopes of inspiring them.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Yesterday we got a schedule for next week’s scout week. I was hoping to avoid having to get too involved but it looks like I’ve been pencilled in to do a couple of things. It’s a bit annoying and I feel resentful but I reminded myself what I tell my students sometimes, in that sometimes you just have to do things you don’t want to do and that they even turn out to be fun. I’m talking myself into it slowly though I’d still prefer to be able to do my own thing.

Something I learned today?

Earlier this week Amy was talking about the Titanic and I didn’t know why and she asked if I’d heard the news? What news? 
She talked about a submersible that takes tourists down to view the wreck had lost contact and they only had two days of oxygen. Amy was incredulous that I knew nothing about this but I was quite happy not knowing about it and wondered what I didn’t know. 
Anyway, today I did come across a video talking about the fact that the submersible has since been found and that it had imploded killing the five people on board. They played an animation of an implosion and even at a slow speed it lasted less than a second, the water pressure is so strong. Anyone in that situation wouldn’t have had time to suffer. 
It seems though that discussions before locating the submersible were more morbidly centred around the fact that one person could have survived for twenty days with the available air and how the people might choose who should die so the rest could live. What the fuck is wrong with people?

What is my favourite photo of the week?

I didn’t take many after my ride on Sunday and I already put those here so back to Sunday I came across this big temple in a comparatively tiny village. Someone in the village must be in the money!

I took this picture because Piti was looking majestic and relaxed when I arrived at Utopia.

Wildfire – 22nd October 2022

Taking hold, inspiring
Vague truths based on fear
Idle minds, enquiring
Further spread the idea

Like Chinese whispering
Messages manipulated
Open wounds blistering
New slogans, proudly stated

Moses pleads, dividing
The confusion reigns supreme
A past of deciding
Put an end to the dream

Barren earth, burning
Bushes dry for fuel
To darkness now returning
Death before the school

15th Jun 2024 – Submitted to Ragtag Daily Prompt


The law of progress holds that everything now must be better than what was there before. If you want something better, and better, and better, you lose the good. The good is no longer even being measured.

Hanna Arendt

Today I’m feeling:
Excited, thoughtful and dizzy
Today I’m grateful for:
Sunscreen. Thank you for protecting me today when it was impossible to escape the sun. Your smell does make me miss the beach though.
The best thing about today was:
My long long long ass bike ride to mountains previously unexplored. So much beauty along the way. It’s a paradise. For me, for now.
What brand best represents your values?
Hmmm…weird question. I don’t know what values brands have. Perhaps they promote themselves with having a particular value… I don’t know. What most folks identify with brands I feel no affinity with at all. To me, brands value one thing and one thing only and that is money. If their products are good then good because they fucking should be!

I took this picture because this magnificent tree stood out after turning back towards the temple from the river at Toeng. So much shade, in my mind I transported it back to our garden and I could sit under it all day.

Roundhouse – 24th September 2022

This is the house that time built
The 60s are just through the door
Another world, another lifetime
What were the billions gone all living for?

This is the house that time built
Educated to a level capability
Flexing muscles of hidden thoughts
Exercising a great mental agility

This is the house that time built
Once glorious yet now decrepit
All shall one day return to earth
No matter how amazingly intrepid


Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell.

Edward Abbey

Today I’m feeling:
Happy
Today I’m grateful for:
The chef at the shop next to Utopia for preparing me a delicious lunch to my requirements with yummy fresh tofu and crispy noodles to make lard na.
The best thing about today was:
Getting so many little things done but in a relaxing manner. Sometimes I struggle with motivation but today I managed to push through without feeling like I was forcing it.

I took this picture because I was walking home from Utopia and thinking about how to make an interesting picture. The three contrasting colours of yellow, green and blue along with the lines as seen from the ground level give this picture a more complex feel. I thought about straightening the picture but kind of like that it is a little off.

Buddha House (Shenzhen) – 30th April 2001

Popcorn at the Buddha house
Everything for sale
Rubbish piles up mountain high
Incense blows away
There seems no peace
Outside this house
Can you find peace inside yourself
It’s hard for me to say

27th Aug 2021 – Vivian had a day off work and took me to a Buddhist temple, at least I presume it was Buddhist. I have no idea where it was or what it was called. Maybe the Hongfa Temple? We got a taxi there and it felt like the area was a little less developed at that time. From what I’ve since learned about these temples I’m guessing it was on a hill and facing the water. The temple was big and the incense smoke cloying but obviously what stood out most was the trash, both for sale and as rubbish piled in plain sight. I would come to understand this garbage phenomenon a little more into the trip. I also quickly learned the Chinese word for rubbish (垃圾) having to tell every walking talking hawker that I didn’t want to buy theirs! I was still quite a lot in culture curiosity mode, rather than culture shock. It was obvious to Vivian that I wasn’t interested in being her ticket out of China though I’m not sure if I told her directly.

Anyway, I decided it was time to arrange to leave Shenzhen and I asked Vivian to help me book a plane ticket. We went into the city, or somewhere suburban at least, and she took me into a hotel foyer. I thought this was a little odd but I was learning new things. In my closeted western experience, buying plane tickets was an officious affair carried out in expensive storefronts. Now here I was in a hotel foyer buying them from some guy set up at a table in the corner.

Strangely, again, Vivian decided she wanted to visit a friend near Beijing and booked us both on the same flight. Perhaps she also wanted to make sure I was set once we arrived there but it was a little surprising to me that she suddenly made this decision where before she wasn’t even sure if she had time to hang out in Shenzhen. In retrospect, I can understand it a little more.

pic: Ivan Herman (chosen as a representation, as I couldn’t find a modern picture that didn’t look like it was from a brochure)