I am so happy and grateful for our purifier, giving us cleaner air to breathe.
13th Mar 2023 – Still in use and still necessary, unfortunately. As Amy says, we can’t get everything. I just hope that this poisoned air doesn’t kill me.
The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.
Gloria Steinem
To-do list
Record another TCRAH
Revise WOOT video
Continue drawing Chinese picture
Clear email and close tabs ✅
Sort more CDs ½
Time disappeared today – it seems to be fluid. I guess I read a lot and watched a lot of YouTube or TV but before knowing anything it was 7 pm.
I did try to sit and concentrate on some things but there is an overall feeling of dread – not just with the virus but also with the air quality. It’s starting to make me feel sick much like last year. Constant headache. It’s not helped that having to stay home means lots of sitting around or lying down so my body is feeling tired and unused.
“How much more time, energy, and pure brainpower would you have available if you drastically cut your media consumption? How much more rested and present would you feel if you were no longer excited and outraged by every scandal, breaking story, and potential crisis (many of which never come to pass anyway)?”
Excerpt From “The Daily Stoic” by Ryan Holiday
This is something I’ve been conscious of for about ten years, since first reading an article about how ‘the news’ is not good for us. In my lifetime the news and its delivery have changed considerably. Someone who read newspapers or watched BBC 2 news analysis shows was deemed to be knowledgeable and worldly.
These days news is everywhere and very little of it is actually news. A couple of decades ago Jello Biafra urged us to ‘become the media’ and technology has now allowed us that opportunity but we, as humans, have subverted this idea to push along our personal agendas.
So, I turned off the news, anywhere it could be found. If there’s something I really need to know I will find out about it. 99.9% of everything else has no real consequence in my life. That gives me a lot of free time to appreciate all the good things in life. It brings me closer to those I should be loving.
Another fantastic slow news day!
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the sunrise each morning. With the temple as a pointer on the mountain, I can see how ancient man used this to measure time.
Our intentional, effortful activities have a powerful effect on how happy we are over and above the effects of our set points and the circumstances in which we find ourselves.
Sonya Lyubomirsky
To-do list
Finish gratitude letter for Maesara. ✅
Get some solid info from George about lesson plans. ½
Immigration, book shop, relax. ✅
More Coursera, transfer notes to book. ✅
Clean up cartoon drawing. ✅
Today was another easy day and I felt very happy with everything. I actually got a lot more done than I expected. I feel like things are coming together very well in my life. I feel fresher, livelier, motivated and committed.
I talked with George after work – a stimulating and positive conversation as usual. He thinks TLC will ask me to join CRPAO lesson planning before this semester ends which will be fine for me.
George has his way of dealing with ‘troublesome’ people at work that I really admire and something I could definitely learn and improve on in myself. It revolves around listening and thinking a lot more before speaking. My outspoken opinion on things seems to get me into trouble so I need to step back and think about the outcomes more.
Tomorrow I’ve had to suddenly rearrange my day so that I can renew my work permit. I dealt with this change of plan quite easily and shouldn’t cause any issues. Tonight I will savour my trip to Japan when I first met Limited Express (has gone?)
Prudence – behaviour that is careful and avoids risks Courage – the ability to control your fear in a dangerous or difficult situation Justice – fairness in the way people are dealt with Temperance – control of your own behaviour
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have enough money in my hand and enough time in my schedule to be able to buy myself a coffee.
From commonplace book
Dreaming is the ability to see something that doesn’t exist yet.
Mel Robbins (?)
To-do list
Call Hayden and congratulate him on doing some fundraising. ✅
It’s Monday. Classes will be tough. You are mentally prepared! ✅
You will deal with any emotional challenges calmly. Do not speak until later. ½
Run after work.
Prepare files for Jochen. ✅
It’s Monday and the classes were tough! But I was prepared for the feelings of frustration. I dealt with it as best as I could and felt pretty good about all the classes by the end of the day.
I managed to talk with Hayden after a missed call earlier in the day and we chatted for a good half an hour. He seems quite enthused with ideas at the moment and seems to be on a better path to planning his future. I did congratulate him on his fundraising activities. He’s not just thinking about himself during these times of crisis in Australia and has found a good way to apply himself in the circumstances.
No real emotional challenges came my way today but I did catch myself complaining a couple of times. It feels like a very fine line between stating some facts about events and complaining about them. At least I’m catching myself – now I just need to catch myself before saying anything.
I have a bit of a chest cough today and time ran out for us to go running too. I had the will but was still a little exhausted from driving so much yesterday.
So I took the time to prepare mp3s for Jochen, uploaded and emailed. I think the final results could be quite fun. It will be fun to put together anyway.
My self-control was fully tested in my classes today and, although I did well, I can still do better.
Tomorrow will be a test as we have a meeting about something that we haven’t really been told about and are apparently supposed to be prepared for. It is quite a normal situation these days so that is something that I am OK with.
I’m expecting that this thing is supposed to be on a weekend though and already prepared for a discussion about attendance as I have already warned them that I will not work on weekends under any circumstances.
Music from R. Stevie Moore, Alamaailman Vasarat, Kustomized, Sun City Girls, The Monkees, Flesh Narc, Beastie Boys, Cheer-Accident, Milk Burp, Different I’s, Logic Circuit, The Skatallites, Rebel Truth, GIRTH, Mahavita, Toy Dolls, The Woolies, Angelic Upstarts, Lost Nation and Bleach.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for our visitors who fill our home with action and variation. It’s nice to be able to share our experiences with other people.
From commonplace book
I’m much more interested in being a hero than a professional.
Billy Childish
To-do list
Get out of your own head and talk to people ½
Compliment people ½
Do something nice for someone
Upload TCRAH ✅
Write to Kieran and Chrissie ✅
Write blog about making friends
A busy and productive day – time ran away too quickly.
Mam and her family enjoyed breakfast and within an hour we had students.
I feel more confident today and have mostly pushed the negative from yesterday out of my mind. This was helped a lot by getting down my thoughts when writing to Kieran and Chrissie.
I was happy to receive a reply from Jochen. Well-considered and thoughtful ideas to my questions particularly about children. I look forward to composing a reply. He has also agreed to do some recorded responses for the podcast which provides me with the challenge to prepare and execute that.
I didn’t manage to do all the things on my list today, perhaps overreaching. I need to take into account that recording a new podcast can take up to three hours.
My self-control was only minimally tested today when Amy wanted to go to a local shop to buy some clothes for the funeral tomorrow. I was fine with this, to be honest – it was necessary. I do feel a little that I am sick at the moment though but mostly just dizziness and not affecting my mood.
We have a 5 am wake-up tomorrow and I hope I can get some extra sleep on the drive to Chiang Mai. I’m somewhat prepared with things to listen to on my phone and things to read. I don’t anticipate any other free time tomorrow.
Something I could have done better with today would have been to help Amy more with things around the house. I’m very lucky that she cooks and cleans for me all the time. It gives me lots of free time and I often feel somewhat selfish for that.
I’m afraid of not having time to do all the things I would like to do – reading, writing, playing, travelling, talking, learning, growing. I should fill my time with these things as much as I can.
I’m afraid of letting people down. I don’t do it very often because I have learned how to not do it.
I’m afraid I’ll never talk to TLJ again and discuss just what happened between us when I was a stupid arrogant man and she was a naive young girl. I still dream about reconciling with her sometimes, imagining that we are still the same age but I have the wisdom gained over time to do the right thing. That was a time I let someone down badly.
I’m afraid of not being a good enough teacher. I don’t feel this often but sometimes others have made comments to give me doubts. I know I’m a good enough teacher (and of course, can always get better) so I don’t need to pay too much attention to what others might say.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that Amy takes care of my lunch and dinner even when she’s not staying at our house. Today she brought me my lunch at school. I’m so happy to have her in my life.
So, it’s been a while. Who knows where the time goes? That was the original tagline but I got sucked in by the Leaving Trains instead. In fact, there’s any number of songs that could be quoted for this post because… it’s been a while!
After the mad rush of Songkran, sobriety took hold out of necessity. It wasn’t that I wouldn’t like to have had a drink it’s just that there wasn’t time.
I was secreted off to a rural location on the outskirts of Chiang Mai for a month of intense training in the arts of teaching English (CELTA – look it up). Of course, being entirely ignorant of the subject, beyond speaking it for the past 49 years or so, I arrived early to get a little refresher on the witchery that is English grammar. It was not nearly enough preparation.
I had been put to sleep many a time whilst opening a grammar book or watching videos on the subject. Luckily we had a teacher who was a female version of my old pal back in Southampton, Rob Callen. She was precise and accurate and even modelled some of the lessons that we would end up learning in the coming weeks, without realising it of course.
So, I said we. I was joined by Tom, a recently retired American looking to support himself a little beyond what the pension there pays so he could spend six months living in his new house in Portugal. Tom was also from an IT background so we bonded quickly enough around the bullshit that that involves. We were both concerned about our abilities to be able to complete the course, knowing how intense we heard it would be. Along with us was Victoria, from London, whose grammar knowledge shone in comparison. Mid-30s, deciding on her future possibilities, whilst travelling to vacations and friends’ weddings around the world, she was a bright and bubbly counter to the two old blokes.
And so it was for the first 3 or 4 nights as we did a couple of days of grammar refreshing, in which I was mostly bewildered but also provoked. English grammar does seem like the kind of thing I could get deep into and become the ‘grammar nazi’ amongst my friends. Though considering we are about to learn how to teach English as a second language in a foreign country though, my relaxed attitude is more inclined to take precedence.
Location, location…..
Our facility is structured like a resort hotel. There are teaching rooms, a reception and a restaurant. More importantly, our personal rooms are cleaned daily, there’s a laundry service and outside my balcony, there is a 50-metre swimming pool. Oh yeah, there’s aircon too. For some reason, the keycard in my room didn’t work properly so the aircon stayed on even when I wasn’t there. What a blessing.
With no pressure and performance ratings around the grammar refresher – we studied, we learned, we swam and we ate. It was the calm before the storm. Our little world was about to be shattered when all the other students would arrive.
And talking of storms. One arrived about five minutes after I made it to my room on that first day. There was a lot of damage to the surrounding gardens and it took the internet out for a while too. Both storms and internet outages would become regular occurrences during my time there.
I guess the grammar refresher paid off a little as I can recognise myself switching in and out of different tenses as I write this but they seem to make more sense to me as I write them.
Anyway, the quiet was broken as other students started arriving, as well as our teachers too. And this is where things sometimes got confusing as we were students, and we would be teachers so we had students as well. On top of all the learning our brains were being jammed with, it was sometimes confusing to be calling home and talking about teachers (teaching us), teachers (us), teachers studying (many people on the course were already teachers), students (us) and students (who we were teaching)!
Confused? You will be! In the next episode of….. (Prizes for knowing where this quote comes from*)
Time is short. Our time is short. Have you done everything you want to do yet? What do you want to do?
Do you already look back at a life fulfilled? Will anyone remember who you were once you’re gone? Next year, next century, next millennium?
The week has been ok. It’s my last day of six twelve hour shifts, the last four as night shifts. I’m tired and slightly out of it.
We are often reminded of our fragility.
There’s always a lyric that can be found to echo my thoughts. Often, from Nomeansno.
Thin voices call out of thin air
“Do you really care?”
“Do you really care?”
There is no reason to be afraid
All of the bodies have been laid to rest
Nobody passes the test of time
The long climb
Into thin air
Thin air
There is no one there
You think you have time
You have no time
An image may be left in place
Of what was felt there is no trace
In words recited without a sound
By voices buried underground
There is no meaning to be found
“Do you really care?”
There is no one there
You think you have time
You have no timeThere are no castles without ghosts
And no spirits without hope
But nobody passes the test of time
You stand in line, you have your place
Then in the space of moments fall
From again and again and again
To not at all
From again and again and again
To not at all
I do not fear the buried sounds
Of words that echo underground
A memory is a loaded gun
And I remember everyone
I remember you..
“Do you really care?”
There is no one there
“Why are you scared?”
There’s no one there
You’re clean, strong, and free
Like you always wanted to be
You’re alone, alone, alone
There is no one there
It’s been a long time between drinks. Around 23 years or so. 1994 was a life-changing time and then life took over and now I’m looking at another transitional period.
Life changes daily though. It seems slow but every detail matters somewhat, and if you care to remember it.
Right now I’m sitting in an office, getting paid and doing very little work of reward. The kind that is emotionally unfulfilling. But right now, I’ll take the money, thank you very much.
Somehow, over time, you learn that working for ‘the man’, as opposed to working for yourself, is something that must be exploited to the full. I managed to get myself into a position at one point of not doing any work-related activities at my job and started doing my own hobbies in company time. Somehow I was also well paid for this. It was always slightly precarious and eventually, it came to an end. Then it happened again – and with the same company to boot. I do thank you, although I wish it could’ve been more rewarding for both of us, to our mutual benefits. Perhaps I feel guilty. I know I would sometimes get annoyed when I actually had work to do that was interrupting my personal time and that’s not a good place to be.
The more depressing it became, the more I strove to distraction. I ended up being very productive. I could never make that jump though, to make money from doing the things I enjoyed. I am envious of people who have been able to position themselves in this way. I’m lacking in artistic talent, not through want of trying. Often lacking in concentration, born on the cusp of distraction entertainment as I was. The advent of new technologies only makes this worse and now that even they have surpassed my knowledge and I am like the old man programming his first VCR with only a 3-button remote, I sometimes pine for those days again.
My nostalgia is aligned with depression. I was deeply unhappy for periods of time that I now reminisce. That depression was an artistic motivation, a driving force. The actions often more thrilling than the results.
Right now, I am biding time again. In this strange period of inertia, the feeling of anticipation is immense and I am highly conscious of the grass always being greener on the other side of the fence. Hence to take time enjoying the moment, the present, the now. I visualise vividly a relaxing future whilst aware of the constant need for ‘work’ whether in some paid variety or just the work of remaining alive and managing the mundanities of life. I hope to derive great pleasures from the digging of weeds or painting of walls but worry that I will start to ignore the dust that settled in the corners many years before.
Luckily I have an outside motivation, my wife, Amy. Could I do it without her? Probably, but without so much pleasure, enjoyment and fulfilment.
The bones of the tale are this. In 1994, I relocated from small-town England to small city Australia. Sydney and thereabouts. In 2018, I will relocate from small-city Australia to small-town Thailand. In 1994, I documented my time in transition. I have not looked over those diary entries since, but the intention is to add them here alongside current musings. Let’s see how they compare. Let’s see if I have really gained some wisdom in the intervening years.
1994ever 