Tag: TLJ

The Fallen City – 27th August 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

This forbidden love wasn’t designed to last
We both realise that now it’s gone
The savage betrayals, a reflection
As the threads of hope all come undone

It’s a timeless story, always repeated
Because passions cannot be denied
Dreams of forever just fall apart
Ever quicker the more it’s tried

The victims suffer the recognition
As their cities of dreams are burned
Eyes open to once blinding mistakes
A war from which much was learned

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to my mother who somehow managed to instil in me an interest in reading, which I fought against for many years – not on purpose but just interested in other things instead.

Starting writing in a fresh new book is a nice feeling. As was finishing up on the last page of the previous book.

Life feels somewhat in a holding pattern at the moment. Maybe time to get myself into doing something different in my spare time, which really just means adding more things to do and having less and less spare time, but that is my privileged status that I need to learn to enjoy.

It was great to see Amy happy, busy and productive yesterday as she has found a quiet niche for baking cinnamon scrolls that look and taste amazing. As soon as pictures went on Facebook, people started asking to order. I think it’s better for her to be concentrating on this whilst it’s fresh for people and can inspire her on to more for future cooking endeavours.

As we both always say, we are lucky to have many different options available to us.

Every time I ever cried for fear was just a mistake that I made – 25th November 2019

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

What are you afraid of?

I’m afraid of not having time to do all the things I would like to do – reading, writing, playing, travelling, talking, learning, growing. I should fill my time with these things as much as I can.

I’m afraid of letting people down. I don’t do it very often because I have learned how to not do it.

I’m afraid I’ll never talk to TLJ again and discuss just what happened between us when I was a stupid arrogant man and she was a naive young girl. I still dream about reconciling with her sometimes, imagining that we are still the same age but I have the wisdom gained over time to do the right thing. That was a time I let someone down badly.

I’m afraid of not being a good enough teacher. I don’t feel this often but sometimes others have made comments to give me doubts. I know I’m a good enough teacher (and of course, can always get better) so I don’t need to pay too much attention to what others might say.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that Amy takes care of my lunch and dinner even when she’s not staying at our house. Today she brought me my lunch at school. I’m so happy to have her in my life.

So we jumped on the table and shouted ‘Anarchy!’ – 10th June 2003

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I guess I’ve isolated myself a lot – being an only child it’s easy to keep myself amused. But also by my interests – they alienate me from others in so many ways – also my requirements for a partner, they, I would hope, share similar interests – so where do I find a Chinese girl into punk rock? Or a punk girl into Chinese culture? And beer?

This is another reason I miss TLJ so much – she did fit so well. I gotta figure out how to deal with this critical element – why does everything have to be perfect?

I’m just trying to hold on, I said, but when you were gone what could I hold on to? – 8th June 2003

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Strange weekend – kinda had plans but things went awry! Felt severely down yesterday and freaked out (in my head) at the shops.

Feel better today, though TLJ has been on my mind and that really gets me low. Decided to call her and spoke for a few minutes. Not sure what it achieved. But I realised when I lost her I lost my best friend – I want that back and know I never will. I want so much and try so little sometimes. Yes, I know – I am my own worst critic. I guess I’m still stuck trying to figure out what to do with my life – cos I sure ain’t doing much right now.

25th April 2022 – Living in Chatswood was very convenient as I was a one minute walk from the shops and station. Though, despite there being a large enough Asian population, a mix of all, shops generally all closed by 6pm, except some restaurants. It started to change in my last few years there but it’s still nothing like the vibrant nightlife actually in Asia.

But sometimes the problem with choice is that it can overwhelm and occasionally, disappoint. In the sentence above describing freaking out, I immediately know my feeling. Being so convenient and having enough disposable income meant that I often ate out, though not usually at restaurants.

There were times I would head out without any idea what I wanted to eat and would get frustrated at not being able to choose. I wonder if at those times I wasn’t actually that hungry and was just expecting myself to eat out of habit. The frustrating search and possibly low blood sugar would freak me out and I would go home despondent and depressed.

The realisation of losing a best friend (yet again, though through choice this time) and the confusion and doubt that was causing me was a wake-up call that I was still ignoring, for whatever reason. The deep passion of the relationship with TLJ was replaced with emptiness.

The Dismemberment Plan’s ‘The First Anniversary Of Your Last Phone Call’ still sends shivers down my spine. The minor chord dirge and the chiming-crying chorus get me every time.

I continued trying to fill it by checking the local newspaper lonely hearts and a dating agency, of which my then less than satisfactory girlfriend, Lorraine, knew nothing. Lorraine wasn’t the right one but we gave it a go, somewhat based on our shared personal demons. Whilst staying with her I was always looking for other options.

This down period of time was what I deserved and due and in hindsight I can see that I knew what was going on with me but still didn’t have the skills to get a foot out of the mire. But it was coming.

Some people are up all the time. Others, like myself, have to go down and up again until we learn enough self-respect and self-esteem to gain some stability.

Have you ever realised you must love yourself, If you don’t then how can you love anybody else? – 12th April 2003

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Well, the last few months have been fine. Just recently though I have not felt so good but hope to start writing some more – will look back through some old notes – remind myself who I am – what I have become.

I don’t want to be lazy but I don’t know what real motivations I have at the moment. I started my Chinese studies at Uni in March and that has been going well though I sense I’m not ‘getting’ everything and really should study much harder.

God – I don’t want to give up on this – I’m sick of giving up – only being half good at anything – I want to be a genius at something! Haha!

5th Apr 2021 – In the early 2000s there was some way to do individual units of Uni courses for a very cheap rate, or at least affordable for me. Having become fascinated with China more and more since arriving in Australia and visiting in 2001, I thought I should give learning the language a go. Macquarie University was within walking distance from home and even though I didn’t understand how universities work I enjoyed walking around the campus and visiting the library when I was bored, especially I would now be able to check out books and videos, of which they had some classic fourth-generation director VHS tapes of movies that I hadn’t yet seen.

The class (Chinese Language 101) had about 20 students and I soon made friends with a young group of high school graduates, a couple of girls and a couple of guys. There was Lina, short, skinny and cute and Emma, plain but attractive and smart. There was Lina’s boyfriend, Paul, also plain and intellectual and then another handsome effeminate guy whose name I forget but was actually the most entertaining of the bunch. He reminded me of me when I was that age. Cocky and unsure with wild mood swings.

At one point during our classes, a pretty Chinese girl joined. Strange, as she could speak Chinese already. Some quirk of the system that allowed her to stay longer as a student and work illegally is my guess. I made friends with her immediately and pursued her as a girlfriend but the language and cultural barriers were too much and I wasn’t brave, smart or emotionally stable enough to figure it out. In short, I was an asshole. (Later in life I could identify this behaviour in some guys who would try and pursue Amy.)

I felt desperate and ended up chasing her away. I was really upset by it and felt worthless and hopeless for a time. Still constantly echoing in my head, TLJ’s words that I always needed to have a girlfriend and couldn’t be alone by myself, ie I didn’t love myself yet.

I always figured a twelve year age gap between male and female should reasonably align with maturity, as was the case with TLJ and me but actually she was still far more mature than me about the things that really mattered.

I can see from this writing I am able to express myself but still not able to find any solutions for myself. Right now, I think I’m blaming my alcohol consumption at the time as a default fallback self-medication.

When it happened, something snapped inside – 30th January 2002

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I feel calm. I have a sense of loneliness with anticipation. Anything could happen. I’m calm but I want it to happen now. Right now. If I have to make it happen then I will. I know I can do anything – it just seems strange to have no one to share it with.

26th Dec 2021 – As we look back it’s strange to imagine that these words are from 20 years ago. The emotional intensity is still immediate, yet I’m now somehow detached.

At a low point, despite feeling calm, I was still agitated and anxious about the future. I had been through a handful of years at an extreme high, now was the time to deal with the hangover.

TLJ had often mentioned to me that I always seemed to feel that I needed a girlfriend or a partner and, despite my denials, it was true. I needed that female figure, that mother replacement, in my life and it felt like a constant search.

It wouldn’t be for another few years before that feeling would change and, at the same time, finding the long term partner that I had been seeking.

The scars you’ve left will never mend – 28th January 2002

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Today I erased my girlfriends from my phone – there’s a sad finality.

Why am I so restless? Why am I so stupid? Gotta go!

28th Nov 2021 – I started some writing again in this beautiful leather-bound book that TLJ brought back from Europe in mid-2001. It’s ironic that this is the first entry in this book as TLJ would have been one of the girlfriends erased.

My head wasn’t in a good place at this time and for quite a while after. I’d managed to fix some things in my life whilst continuing to fuck up a few others. I was a little bit directionless and lacking in self-esteem.

Gone mouldy over the years

Should I Stay Away? – 5th November 2001

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Such a fragile thing
Why do I want to break you?
Touch your delicate face
Afraid you’ll crumble to dust

I want to feel your warm breath
In night-time clenches
But afraid I’ll throw you away
When you become too familiar

Maybe I should stay away
But I feel a need to be saved
A continual desire for a companion
An ever-decreasing circle of self-fulfilling prophecy

18th Oct 2024 – Questioning myself about my pursuit of Lorraine as I was conscious of the deep love that I had felt for, firstly, Bronwyn and then for TLJ and what drama I had caused them. I had not been without a girlfriend for about ten years and TLJ noticed this as a weakness (particularly relevant to her, as I had transitioned my relationship from Bronwyn to her without a break). Although TLJ and I had broken up by this point I had been meeting Lorraine (outside of work) and we were figuring things out between us.

Re: FW: Dreamweaver – 18th February 1999

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Email with TLJ:

TLJ: wanted you to get this right away – accidentally sent it to kabuki a/c. Sorry.

S: Yep – sounds cool. I think Troy and Bronwyn might come up on Sunday morning

TLJ: WHY are they coming Sunday morning??

S: to look at the video equipment, teach me some HTML and to spin some disks – oh and to make some picnic food? I don’t know if it will be morning or not – haven’t figured anything out yet. so we could all head down from here whenever you want – maybe we could ALL make stuff for a picnic?

TLJ: Well, i can’t cook, or make sandwiches or anything – can I come round to your place Sunday morning then, we could go shopping and make pasta salad or something – hang on, Sunday morning’s when troy and bronwyn may be coming round, so you’ll have to go shopping and cook the night before, and unfortunately, i will be at dinner with yuri. Sorry.

S: No – we could do all that and more – and now you’ve committed to it that is what we are going to do!

TLJ: I’m really shitty today, cause S_ let me choose between a dress and skirt from Thailand, and i chose this silly skirt instead of the groovy dress and N_ got the really cool dress – plus she got the nicer sarong. I don’t know what came over me, so i’m really pissed off at myself.

S: You’ll wear each others clothes anyway – what does it matter. I’m sorry you chose the wrong one though. You ALWAYS do that!!!!

TLJ: i’m really sorry about your car – you’re pretty silly – how bad was the damage?????????????

S: Probably a couple a hundred bucks – I dunno. It’s not major or anything but I should get it fixed when I get it serviced next which should be in about eight weeks or so.

TLJ: And how cool if you go to houston texas – i really hope you get to go – it’s full of racist rednecks – S_ went there for work 5 years ago.

S: I was waiting for you to say that I would fit right in there! But I’m glad you didn’t.
Thanks again for a great night last night – I had a lot of fun sweety. Hey, you know how I said I was up all Sunday night with stomach problems – well, I actually was up last night with stomach problems – must have been all that food swilling in with that Coke!
Love ya babes Shaun

TLJ: I’m really upset right now – C_ “misplaced” her camera with my film in it – it’s my film from the farewell party – i took all these photos with the really cool people on tour. It’s got all my personal photos on it, so i’m really shitty.

S: Why has she got it??? why didn’t you get it off her before???? Baabbbeeee…..

TLJ: anyway, right now looking at Home Site – i think i like it better than dreamweaver (the help is better for a start), but its interface is much more cluttered. I haven’t started using it yet though.

S: Cool – did Bronwyn give you any help on ones to try out? Are you going to get credit for your work?

TLJ: mail me, i’m bored. Coming for lunch with me?

S: I’ll be there in spirit…..if that’s any good to ya!?

TLJ: Forgot to tell you – think i figured out what went wrong with the exclude filters – It’s the way you define the filters – like whether you have one exclude filter for excluding files AND IP addresses, or 2 – 1 to exclude files, one to exclude IP addresses. Having a filter with several elements (all files) works as AND, while defining separate filters with one element works as OR. But if you define different elements in the exclude, this only excludes say the defined files from the defined IP addresses – rather than all the files and all the IP addresses. It’s extremely confusing.
I also solved the mapping probs by using UNCs.

TLJ: Also just remembered – we’ve got a trial evacuation – 9-10am – coolhuh?
Walking to work today – i guess you heard about the siege at the greek embassy – anyway, there were heaps of fire engines, ambulances and police cars – they’ve blocked off castlereagh street i think. There was a bit of a crowd there – i was wondering what was going on. I heard there was a protest at the greek embassy – i thought it was in england!!!!

S: You are right about my money situation you know – thanks for talking about it last night. If I can get these bills out of the way which probably won’t be until April then I’ll start putting some extra by. You gotta remind of this when I say let’s go out and do such and such! we’ll go and do cheap things

TLJ: I did not say anything about not spending money on me! I said stop spending money on crap things you don’t need like food and comics. Where’d you get the idea I was talking about us?????????????????????? I think i’d better have another talk to you…………………

S: Yes – I think I need a good talking to! Come and sort me out sweety!
you can go do expensive things with yr other boyfriends! So – how about a movie night at my place?

TLJ: I really think you should just keep a track of where your money is going – and whether all that spending is necessary – and maybe limit your spending on certain things each fortnight. You can spend less some weeks, and make up for it other weeks – and eventually things will even out, and you can save more or less some weeks, but it will average out and you will have saved a set amount of money – then you can spend some on unexpected occurences (like my birthday………………………..).

S: I would take all your advice seriously if you were in control of your own finances!
No, actually I will restrict myself on certain things for a while……

TLJ: I’ll help you babes, ok?

S: Yeah – thanks my friend! How’s you day? I’m busy today – it’s not fair!