Tag: TLJ

Every time I ever cried for fear was just a mistake that I made – 25th November 2019

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

What are you afraid of?

I’m afraid of not having time to do all the things I would like to do – reading, writing, playing, travelling, talking, learning, growing. I should fill my time with these things as much as I can.

I’m afraid of letting people down. I don’t do it very often because I have learned how to not do it.

I’m afraid I’ll never talk to TLJ again and discuss just what happened between us when I was a stupid arrogant man and she was a naive young girl. I still dream about reconciling with her sometimes, imagining that we are still the same age but I have the wisdom gained over time to do the right thing. That was a time I let someone down badly.

I’m afraid of not being a good enough teacher. I don’t feel this often but sometimes others have made comments to give me doubts. I know I’m a good enough teacher (and of course, can always get better) so I don’t need to pay too much attention to what others might say.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that Amy takes care of my lunch and dinner even when she’s not staying at our house. Today she brought me my lunch at school. I’m so happy to have her in my life.

So we jumped on the table and shouted ‘Anarchy!’ – 10th June 2003

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I guess I’ve isolated myself a lot – being an only child it’s easy to keep myself amused. But also by my interests – they alienate me from others in so many ways – also my requirements for a partner, they, I would hope, share similar interests – so where do I find a Chinese girl into punk rock? Or a punk girl into Chinese culture? And beer?

This is another reason I miss TLJ so much – she did fit so well. I gotta figure out how to deal with this critical element – why does everything have to be perfect?

I’m just trying to hold on, I said, but when you were gone what could I hold on to? – 8th June 2003

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Strange weekend – kinda had plans but things went awry! Felt severely down yesterday and freaked out (in my head) at the shops.

Feel better today, though TLJ has been on my mind and that really gets me low. Decided to call her and spoke for a few minutes. Not sure what it achieved. But I realised when I lost her I lost my best friend – I want that back and know I never will. I want so much and try so little sometimes. Yes, I know – I am my own worst critic. I guess I’m still stuck trying to figure out what to do with my life – cos I sure ain’t doing much right now.

25th April 2022 – Living in Chatswood was very convenient as I was a one minute walk from the shops and station. Though, despite there being a large enough Asian population, a mix of all, shops generally all closed by 6pm, except some restaurants. It started to change in my last few years there but it’s still nothing like the vibrant nightlife actually in Asia.

But sometimes the problem with choice is that it can overwhelm and occasionally, disappoint. In the sentence above describing freaking out, I immediately know my feeling. Being so convenient and having enough disposable income meant that I often ate out, though not usually at restaurants.

There were times I would head out without any idea what I wanted to eat and would get frustrated at not being able to choose. I wonder if at those times I wasn’t actually that hungry and was just expecting myself to eat out of habit. The frustrating search and possibly low blood sugar would freak me out and I would go home despondent and depressed.

The realisation of losing a best friend (yet again, though through choice this time) and the confusion and doubt that was causing me was a wake-up call that I was still ignoring, for whatever reason. The deep passion of the relationship with TLJ was replaced with emptiness.

The Dismemberment Plan’s ‘The First Anniversary Of Your Last Phone Call’ still sends shivers down my spine. The minor chord dirge and the chiming-crying chorus get me every time.

I continued trying to fill it by checking the local newspaper lonely hearts and a dating agency, of which my then less than satisfactory girlfriend, Lorraine, knew nothing. Lorraine wasn’t the right one but we gave it a go, somewhat based on our shared personal demons. Whilst staying with her I was always looking for other options.

This down period of time was what I deserved and due and in hindsight I can see that I knew what was going on with me but still didn’t have the skills to get a foot out of the mire. But it was coming.

Some people are up all the time. Others, like myself, have to go down and up again until we learn enough self-respect and self-esteem to gain some stability.

Have you ever realised you must love yourself, If you don’t then how can you love anybody else? – 12th April 2003

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Well, the last few months have been fine. Just recently though I have not felt so good but hope to start writing some more – will look back through some old notes – remind myself who I am – what I have become.

I don’t want to be lazy but I don’t know what real motivations I have at the moment. I started my Chinese studies at Uni in March and that has been going well though I sense I’m not ‘getting’ everything and really should study much harder.

God – I don’t want to give up on this – I’m sick of giving up – only being half good at anything – I want to be a genius at something! Haha!

5th Apr 2021 – In the early 2000s there was some way to do individual units of Uni courses for a very cheap rate, or at least affordable for me. Having become fascinated with China more and more since arriving in Australia and visiting in 2001, I thought I should give learning the language a go. Macquarie University was within walking distance from home and even though I didn’t understand how universities work I enjoyed walking around the campus and visiting the library when I was bored, especially I would now be able to check out books and videos, of which they had some classic fourth-generation director VHS tapes of movies that I hadn’t yet seen.

The class (Chinese Language 101) had about 20 students and I soon made friends with a young group of high school graduates, a couple of girls and a couple of guys. There was Lina, short, skinny and cute and Emma, plain but attractive and smart. There was Lina’s boyfriend, Paul, also plain and intellectual and then another handsome effeminate guy whose name I forget but was actually the most entertaining of the bunch. He reminded me of me when I was that age. Cocky and unsure with wild mood swings.

At one point during our classes, a pretty Chinese girl joined. Strange, as she could speak Chinese already. Some quirk of the system that allowed her to stay longer as a student and work illegally is my guess. I made friends with her immediately and pursued her as a girlfriend but the language and cultural barriers were too much and I wasn’t brave, smart or emotionally stable enough to figure it out. In short, I was an asshole. (Later in life I could identify this behaviour in some guys who would try and pursue Amy.)

I felt desperate and ended up chasing her away. I was really upset by it and felt worthless and hopeless for a time. Still constantly echoing in my head, TLJ’s words that I always needed to have a girlfriend and couldn’t be alone by myself, ie I didn’t love myself yet.

I always figured a twelve year age gap between male and female should reasonably align with maturity, as was the case with TLJ and me but actually she was still far more mature than me about the things that really mattered.

I can see from this writing I am able to express myself but still not able to find any solutions for myself. Right now, I think I’m blaming my alcohol consumption at the time as a default fallback self-medication.

When it happened, something snapped inside – 30th January 2002

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I feel calm. I have a sense of loneliness with anticipation. Anything could happen. I’m calm but I want it to happen now. Right now. If I have to make it happen then I will. I know I can do anything – it just seems strange to have no one to share it with.

26th Dec 2021 – As we look back it’s strange to imagine that these words are from 20 years ago. The emotional intensity is still immediate, yet I’m now somehow detached.

At a low point, despite feeling calm, I was still agitated and anxious about the future. I had been through a handful of years at an extreme high, now was the time to deal with the hangover.

TLJ had often mentioned to me that I always seemed to feel that I needed a girlfriend or a partner and, despite my denials, it was true. I needed that female figure, that mother replacement, in my life and it felt like a constant search.

It wouldn’t be for another few years before that feeling would change and, at the same time, finding the long term partner that I had been seeking.

The scars you’ve left will never mend – 28th January 2002

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Today I erased my girlfriends from my phone – there’s a sad finality.

Why am I so restless? Why am I so stupid? Gotta go!

28th Nov 2021 – I started some writing again in this beautiful leather-bound book that TLJ brought back from Europe in mid-2001. It’s ironic that this is the first entry in this book as TLJ would have been one of the girlfriends erased.

My head wasn’t in a good place at this time and for quite a while after. I’d managed to fix some things in my life whilst continuing to fuck up a few others. I was a little bit directionless and lacking in self-esteem.

Gone mouldy over the years

Should I Stay Away? – 5th November 2001

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Such a fragile thing
Why do I want to break you?
Touch your delicate face
Afraid you’ll crumble to dust

I want to feel your warm breath
In night-time clenches
But afraid I’ll throw you away
When you become too familiar

Maybe I should stay away
But I feel a need to be saved
A continual desire for a companion
An ever-decreasing circle of self-fulfilling prophecy

18th Oct 2024 – Questioning myself about my pursuit of Lorraine as I was conscious of the deep love that I had felt for, firstly, Bronwyn and then for TLJ and what drama I had caused them. I had not been without a girlfriend for about ten years and TLJ noticed this as a weakness (particularly relevant to her, as I had transitioned my relationship from Bronwyn to her without a break). Although TLJ and I had broken up by this point I had been meeting Lorraine (outside of work) and we were figuring things out between us.

Re: Memory – 15th February 1999

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Email with TLJ

TLJ: : ok, so here’s what I think. I think that it is trying to read the files because I specified for it to auto detect the log file format.

S: So, if you turn that function off – is it OK?

TLJ: – once it detects it (say by running a report or if you specify log file format) then it seems ok. Also, if you select auto detect the log file format, then it takes 12 log files (4085Kb), but when i put in the 13th (4537Kb) it started using all the CPU.

S: Any ideas why – is it the number of files or the accumulated size?

TLJ: Proud of my research and troubleshooting skills?

S: Of course – I never doubted you babe. How are the others though – the ones who count.

Pooh – 14th February 1999

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Email with TLJ:

S: I went to the library today and picked up some books for HJ. I also checked if they had The Tao of Pooh – the computer said they did but I couldn’t find it on the shelf. When they find it they’ll let me know. I did find though, the Te of Piglet, which is a bit of a coincidence cos on Monday Margaret gave me this print out of a Chinese word and it’s meaning – the word is De (the same word – different dialect/pronunciation). It means virtue and is part of Margaret’s name – Wen De. How’s that for coincidence? Hope your lunch was good and you had fun with your friends…

S: Hope your lunch was good and you had fun with your friends…

TLJ: was a bit shitty cause hari asked how i felt about people dating older men and i went on about all this shit about hating old men dating young women, and as usual, older white men dating young asian women. But then i felt really stupid, cause he was asking about ME dating older men, and I knew mich must have told him about me and you – She tells him EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!

S: Does that mean we are dating then? I thought I was just your regular root?! You know – how you tell me EVERYTHING!!!!!! So are they doing it or what?

TLJ: he was nice apart from that.
upset, tlj

S: Don’t be upset my little angel…come see me….

TLJ: Thanks for the cartoon baby, cheered me up – can’t believe you’re already sending me mail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (now why don’t you send me flowers????)

S: Well, you know I wanted to send you some on your first day – that’s why I asked you which floor you would be on. Of course, you weren’t too sure and I ran out of money…….but I still have ideas…..

TLJ: When i saw the CSC logo I thought they’d tracked me down and were going to make life hard.

S: What do you mean? Who’s they? Are you having paranoid delusions again….”I’m not paranoid – I know what you’re thinking….”

TLJ: Also, when I read the “watch out for this guy”, I thought it was the sleazy office worker

S: What sleazy office worker……????

TLJ: – every company has one

S: hmm???????????????

TLJ: Anyway, I’m feeling better now. Just remembered I have soccer tonight.

S: GO Team GO!

TLJ: Have a great day, tlj

S: Gets better with the first mail of the day from you…..