Will you be there? Will you be my friend? Will you come to the garden that I tend? Will you gas me up and make me whole? Guide me to the ground when I lose control
Today I’m feeling:
Flat, sad but not teary today. As I experience another day with the empty space that Kim used to fill I start to feel like I’m forgetting her already. This is grief and its recovery. I call her name when I go to the bathroom, pretending she is in the walk-in and if I peek around the corner I will see her beautiful eyes staring out from her favourite box.
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy’s mum and dad inviting me out for dinner as Amy’s brother is here for a few days. However, I’m not up for it. I only slept for 6 hours last night, not due to any trouble sleeping, just that I stayed up late and got up early. I will sleep early tonight for sure. Anyway, I appreciate their offer and that they dropped off some food anyway.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling a bit better than yesterday. Getting a few things done. Distracting myself.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Beyond the usual waiting time at the hospital for my two-minute consultation with the psych which I’m used to now, there was nothing much out of my control. I told him I changed my dose back to a full tablet a couple of weeks ago and also told him about my sadness but that it is not depression and I can tell the difference. I know I have to be careful that I don’t let it develop into depression though but I don’t think it will.
Something I learned today?
I learned that my petulant student Nam is working during her holidays. This kind of makes sense to me as I know she is smart but not academic. I like her a lot despite her attitude towards me sometimes. I love the challenge to make her smile and partake in class even if it is only for brief moments.
What do I love about where I live?
My house feels like home. My village is quiet but I’m still surrounded by convenience or perhaps I’ve just adjusted my activities to what’s available. The temperature is good for about 10 months of the year and the weather is good about the same when there’s no burning. I like the slow pace of life and the countryside environment. There are beautiful hills and valleys to explore and people are kind and curious.
I took this picture because even though we have 100s of photos of Cap there may come a time when we think we never took enough. He’s about 14 years old now and has been with us for all of our (Amy and me) relationship. I fixed up his climbing frame and scratching posts so that he has fresh rope to grip with his nails. He loves to be chased there and will scratch as his purrs echo outwards from the corner walls.
The delicious perfume of this candle that Amy brought from Australia for me. No matter how much you try to save money when buying perfumed candles the more you spend the better the smell and its lasting effect.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling in a great mood in the morning, chatting with students and spending time with them without any rush, then spending about three hours drinking coffee and updating the blog (1983 diary entries completed) and then back to school again for more chat and some play before shopping and home.
After eating dinner though I’ve run out of steam and ready for bed before the sun has even set.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I was excited to get a call from FedEx as it meant they would deliver the SSD I needed which will hopefully upgrade my iMac and get it running again.
Unfortunately, when the delivery guy arrived he needed almost 800 baht in import tax before handing it over, adding another 40 bucks to the cost. What can I do?
I hope this all works in the end otherwise I’ll just have ended up with an expensive SSD drive and still no desktop computer.
Something I learned today?
I’ve made some lessons that require audio input from myself and the students and I went to record this afternoon but it sounds really odd when played back. There’s an option to upload mp3s so that seemed like the way to go except there is no simple way to do that without downloading new software. You can record to m4a files and then hopefully (I haven’t tested yet) can convert them in Apple Music.
I forgot how simple things can be once they’ve been set up, such as I had on my main computer and then just ran and worked forever. Now I’m back to fiddling around again to do this initial setup.
What is something I can do today to improve my well-being?
That would be the exercise I did this morning and the early night I’m about to get this evening so I can catch up on some sleep.
I took this picture because when I got home today I was greeted by this menagerie along with Tangmo and the white and black cat on the terrace. A few others in the village were investigating the herd just outside too. It seems to have grown as I only remember there being five last year though maybe he has smaller herds stashed around the village. My guess is that the aunties next door want the poop and the benefit of the jungle being kept at bay for free. Their vegetable garden is doing very well and none of the land belongs to the aunties or the cowman but it’s all for the common good.
Woke up to thunder, or was it a truck? I couldn’t hear any rain, must’ve been a truck. Wait, there it is again, must be thunder. Where’s the damn rain? Soon my alarm goes off and even though I’ve only had six hours of sleep and feel a little achy, I’m feeling good and do my little exercises and then, finally, a little rain falls though not enough to mean I don’t need to water the garden still. It’s still misty and hazy with low clouds too, so it’s difficult to tell if the rain has had much impact on the air quality yet. I drive to school without rush for a change and hang out with the few kids who still bothered to come, particularly enjoying catching up with my old students, Aon, Aomsin and Wan, who fill me in with the latest classroom gossip. It’s fascinating to see the changes in these kids over the three years I’ve known them and to get some idea of the direction they would like to head in. Aomsin told me how the class dynamics had changed and I mentioned another class that were all good friends in grades 7 and 8 and then all split into different factions in grade 9. Aomsin said, ‘Of course because we are all growing up.’ It made me question why, when we grow up, we lose that forgiveness for our friends?
What are we doing If we’re not shining a light? Just scrambling in the cave Wishing for stage exit right
No shadows in the dark Beg for optimism’s guide Joy is found in striving For the way outside
undoubtedly inspired by Nick Cave’s Red Hand Files 19th Apr 2024 – Submitted to RDP Friday
Today I’m feeling:
Happy and dusty from a long bike ride
Today I’m grateful for:
The security guard who waved me on at PB Valley so that I could do and look around and take a couple of nice pictures.
The best thing about today was:
The toothless old men who talked to me in their villages and their lovely dogs coming to sniff and investigate me.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Little Fino got out of my control on a gravel surface and sent me flying over the handlebars. I handled the situation by laying motionless for a second and staring at the sky. I mentally checked my body and brains and found a few sore spots but no real harm done.
Something I learned today?
I finally learned the route around the checkpoint in Mae Chan. It’s not worth using it just to avoid the checkpoint but there is lots of beautiful land out there and I felt connected with it all.
You have three magic genie wishes, what are you asking for? I’ll not fall for this. There’s a reason for the saying ‘be careful what you wish for.’ Has any story about having wishes come true turned out well?
Any wish must not have any negative consequence for anybody or anything now or in the future.
(a wish)
Three more wishes, please. Etc etc Does that work?
I took this picture because this world is just so beautiful and I saw more of it on my bike ride today.
Beauty fades as knowledge grows And wisdom comes too late To understand what the old one knows As the acceptance of this fate
When a person can’t find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure.
Viktor Frankl
Today I’m feeling: Happy and chilled Today I’m grateful for: The lady in the print shop helping me to print out a few things I needed. Some for school but also printouts from my blog which I will send to Hayden. The best thing about today was: Finishing reading a couple of books. I love the anticipation of starting a new book, a new journey, new knowledge. What movies do you need to watch? This is easy. There are NO movies that I NEED to watch. I have a hard-drive full of movies that I’d like to watch along with many DVDs, Netflix and YouTube. And perhaps, hopefully, one day I will. I may even try it tomorrow, now that it is in my head.
I took this picture because as I was enjoying my walk home this morning I recalled when I did my first exploratory motorbike ride around the village and came down here, where the sign seems to indicate no entry. I sat on my bike undecided whether to go forward or turn back and as I looked around a lady outside the adjacent house called out and waved me through. I soon discovered that everyone used this shortcut and they just didn’t want cars coming through. Today though, I noticed that someone has taken the trouble to re-gravel the track so there are no more puddles and potholes. Wish this had been done before the rainy season.
January disappeared. Little sweaty from workout – thighs hurt – let’s stretch. Shower and coffee as reward. This is the first time I’ve actually managed to motivate myself on the weekend – proud of myself. Dinner tonight with George, Dylan and B – Indian. Heavy food, will have late lunch. Thinking about today but trying to empty my mind. My mind is always busy. Locals gab outside, audible as the village is so quiet. Nice temperature at 7 am. Want to listen to music, read books, dream dreams. Slept so well last night don’t recall any dreams. Are we really going to buy a leaf blower – it looks like it, leaves are crazy everywhere at the moment.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my hamstrings. I am working them out so much and they ache continuously but it’s a good pain – a pain of growing. The pain in my neck I’m not so sure but I hope I can work that out too. Thank you body for holding together so far. I am so happy and grateful for my work as a teacher. I don’t consider it a job because it is so fulfilling. I love the kids.
It was a weekend of dying. In the morning, Kimi, my great friend in Kuala Lumpur passed away at the too young age of 36. In the afternoon our neighbour’s grandfather passed away at the ripe old age of 90.
My one aim in life was to live longer than my father, something which I managed to surpass in the last year or so. My father died when I was just 18 months old; lung cancer, after a lifetime of being advertised to the health benefits of smoking. It’s difficult to gauge exactly what effect that event had on my life but it is surely significant. Death was a part of my life from the beginning.
One of my earliest memories is aged 4, sitting up in my bed, crying my eyes out, knowing that one day I would die. I couldn’t believe it. What was this thing called life all about if you just ended up dying?
Whilst I was sitting around crying for my friend far away, feeling useless, the neighbours were busy making preparations.
Could I get to KL to be with everyone? What kind of funeral ceremonies do my Muslim friends have? Are they celebrations of someone’s life or sombre occasions like in most of the west?
I’ve become somewhat familiar with Thai funerals unfortunately. Many of Amy’s family are at that age when funerals come along more often. I’m also getting to the age when more and more friends will leave too. And it will be my turn sooner than I’d like too.
In the smaller villages of Thailand it is still traditional to keep the body in the home for around 5 days before cremation. I’m not sure about burial here. All the funerals I have attended have been cremations and the only places I have seen graves are for people with Chinese backgrounds. I think burial should only really be used if a tree is planted along with the body which I know has started to become more popular in some places and seems to make a lot of environmental sense.
Gatherings, food, prayers and respects are shown by visitors to the home, from relatives and the local residents. Family spread out all over the country will drive back to attend. As this grandfather was 90 years old and his family have lived in the village his whole life it was due to be a big turnout. So big that local farmers where hired to clear the jungle land opposite our house to make an impromptu car park. There were some big rats living in there that were quickly grabbed by the locals and I don’t want to guess what for.
Huge gazebos were erected, a PA system bigger than Motorhead (every house seems to own huge PAs – even worse when combined with their Karaoke machines!) Each night for 5 nights, crowds would gather, monks would chant, food would be served until on the final day a huge silver decorated cart would take the body off to the crematorium, followed by everyone as it spiralled through the village.
I sat through an hour or so each night of chanting and it was quite meditative and mesmerising, especially as I was often lost in thought for my friend Kimi. I then struggled through another night of a chief monk talking. I didn’t struggle with his words, though I didn’t understand anything, it was the crappy plastic chairs playing havoc with my back and posture. The monk was hilarious, the crowd often erupting into laughter and I could feel the ease within everyone. He even joked about me and was sad that I couldn’t understand what he was saying. Of course the whole crowd turned to look at me. I think I’m just know locally as ‘that farang’ who lives here. Amy translated a lot for me so I got some of the fun. At the end the monk opened up his homemade accoutrements to make a little extra cash. People gotta eat I guess.
In contrast, I finally heard what happened to Kimi and discovered that Muslim tradition requires the body to be buried as quickly as possible. I don’t know what kind of ceremonies happen around that and I’m guessing not everyone in his family would have been able to attend this.
Kimi had been finalising some concerts for some European bands and the Kuala Lumpur concert will happen this coming weekend. I will fly down to meet Kimi’s wife and all our mutual friends. I will treat the concert somewhat as a memorial to my great friend.
These coincident deaths have obviously brought sharply into focus thoughts around death but as I wrote last time, these thoughts are still confusing. I’m still processing it all.
I’m very grateful to have made friends with Kimi 12 years ago and to have felt such a connection that we remained in contact over this time, worked together often and I visited him many times and he always showed me his big heart; giving me excruciating massages, taking me jungle river swimming and one time directing me into the ocean filled with jellyfish – a story that is repeated for everyone on every visit. He didn’t piss on my jellyfish sting but I know he would’ve if I had asked him.
23 years, 26 years, 52 years, 90 years. It’s not enough for anyone. Soon, all our names will be forgotten, let’s remember whilst we can.
Come hither, my lads, with your tankards of ale, And drink to the present before it shall fail; Pile each on your platters a mountain of beef, For ’tis eating and drinking that bring us relief: So fill up your glass, For life will soon pass; When you’re dead ye’ll ne’er drink to your king or your lass! Anacreon had a red nose, so they say But what’s a red nose if ye’re happy and gay? Gad split me! I’d rather be red whilst I’m here, Than white as a lily and dead half a year! So Betty my miss, Come give me a kiss; In hell there’s no inkeeper’s daughter like this! Young Harry, propp’d up just as straight as he’s able, Will soon lose his wig and slip under the table, But fill up your goblets and pass ’em around Better under the table than under the ground! So revel and chaff As ye thirstily quaff: Under six feet of dirt ’tis less easy to laugh! The fiend strike me blue! I’m scarce able to walk, And damn me if I can’t stand upright or talk! Here, landlord, bid Betty to summon a chair; I’ll try home for a while, for my wife is not there! So lend me a hand I’m not able to stand But I’m gay whilst I linger on top of the land!
Drinking Song from the “Tomb” by Rudimentary Peni
Salut!
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the people I know, my acquaintances. Their part in my life is small but still valuable.
To-do list
More contemplating death videos (and contemplate) ½
Write blog post ✅
What do you want to WOOP?
Clear emails ½
Finish TCRAH 28 and WDS spreadsheet ½
I lost my cool again this morning when Joe sent me a message that the school had complained about me but he didn’t say exactly what. I was a bit shocked and could only guess it was Jimmy who sent the complaint. I tried to stay calm but the anger and upset overwhelmed me very quickly.
I was smart enough to send messages to Amy and George in the hope of a swift reply with some encouragement. Unfortunately, they didn’t get to me in time before talking with Kru Tam and I had to cut that short cos I could feel myself about to cry. I felt disappointed that I did that.
I’ve kept telling myself to stop and wait before talking but I can’t tell myself when I’m in the middle of these fits.
George calmed me down a little with some humour and Amy really calmed me later too. Luckily before I did anything stupid.
Later I also found out what the complaints were actually about but they were so silly that I had to ask what it was all really about. Joe (at TLC) replied that someone there obviously doesn’t like me and it’s stirring things up.
There are too many stupid people in the world. I know I’m probably one too. It can really get you down. But everyone actually made me feel pretty happy by the middle of the morning so that I actually felt pretty proud of myself that I had actually handled things pretty well. Just that I want to not even reach the point of anger and upset at all.
The rest of the week is very easy teaching wise so I’ll relax a little and see what tasks I can accomplish in my spare time.
Music from Faun Fables, Ruins, Unrest, Minibeast, The Deviants, Deerhoof, The Clarendonians, The Mekons, Radio Thailand, The Solid State, NoHayBandaTrio, Joe Strummer, The Jesus Lizard, Martin Cure and the Peeps and Iowa Beef Experience.
Woke up with the sun and again I’m already mentally preparing for my classes next semester. It’s good but could probably turn it down a bit!
It’s only 7am and I already achieved a small thing for today. I went for an early morning walk around the village. A lot of aunties around already selling their veggies and meats. They were all happily curious, as was I. I should try some conversation next time.
Today I will try to remember that life is brief and can be taken away at any time.
I love watching my cats around the house and garden. How lucky we are to be here together.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to watch the sunrise as I walked around the village this morning. Smiling monks, curious aunties, playful dogs, foggy fields.
1994ever 