You are my favourite fork Comfortable in my palm Pins not sharp enough To do me any harm
You are my favourite knife Good for cutting cheese Just right for some butter Spreading as I please
You are my favourite spoon The right shape for my mouth Soup, yoghurt, stir fry Smoothly in and smoothly out
Some utensils just aren’t right Others are perfect for me I’m grateful to find the ones For breakfast, dinner and tea
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my favourite knives, forks and spoons over the years. Something about how they fit in your hands and mouth makes them emotionally comforting.
There were many good things today despite some minor frustrations – just with online teaching.
The rain really turned it on and brought the temperature down to a very agreeable level, so much so that I sat in the classroom even after my lessons finished.
I’m really enjoying the coffee I’m getting in the morning. I enjoyed chatting with Fui, reading and writing poems, and studying Thai.
The rain was torrential at times but not too cold, so I didn’t bother with an umbrella and just embraced the wet and ducked under cover whenever I could.
Even though I had plenty of free time today, I wished I could have more so that I could do some more drawing too. So long as I can spew out something artistic each day, then I’m pretty happy. At the moment, it’s poems.
As an extra challenge to writing, I thought it might be interesting to write a poem for each of these quotes that I highlighted in my copy of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I don’t like to make things easy for myself.
If someone’s ungrateful and you tell him he’s ungrateful, okay, you’ve called him a name. You haven’t solved anything.
Problem Solved?
So, what’s the problem? I’m an ungrateful prick? Thanks for your comment It really made me tick
Was it somehow helpful? Did it get things straight? I don’t think anything changed I guess you’ll just have to wait
…that old feeling I’ve talked about before, a feeling that there’s something bigger involved than is apparent on the surface.
Under The Hood
I can feel it in my bones Unshakeable but invisible I try to look inside it But this time, it’s not divisible
Clouding up the thoughts Stumbling around my guesses Impossible to clarify Mixed within my messes
Can’t be touched upon Or identified in the grey It’s on the tip of my tongue But what it is, I cannot say
He travelled alone. Always. Even in the presence of others, he was completely alone. People sometimes felt this and felt rejected by it, and so did not like him, but their dislike was not important to him.
He Travelled Alone
You said that we all need a friend And perhaps that’s really true But I think that I’ve decided That friend isn’t going to be you
I’m alone but I’m not lonely It doesn’t matter what you know You don’t have to be like me I’m happy if you just leave me alone
I accept the way I am And don’t care what you say Why do you want me to be like you? It’s just your ego getting in my way
I’m sorry if this makes you sad But that’s really down to you I’ll see you again tomorrow And know my feeling’s true
It’s frustrating to see how completely unaware he is at the time of the significance of what he is saying.
Significant Words
I look back at my old words I see I understood things well Yet somehow I couldn’t act on them I couldn’t really tell
That big truths underlie all this Almost as plain as day It’s so easy to say them But much harder to put in play
Sometimes so unaware I stumble way off course I have to remind myself And get back on my horse
No one is fanatically shouting that the sun is going to rise tomorrow.
Shout at the Sun
Some things don’t need to be said But maybe they should be Reminders to our busy selves About how simple things would be
If we took time in appreciation To really know that the sky is blue Of course, we already know this But we could really understand it too
Take a minute and look on up Above your thoughts and feelings Astound yourself with simple things In all your daily dealings
The effort of fathoming what is in another’s mind creates a distortion of what is seen.
Are You For Real?
You don’t see what I can see Do you? You can’t see what’s in my mind Can you? You’ll never work it out now Will you? You aren’t really real now Are you?
I see blue but you see red You didn’t listen to what I said I’ll react exactly the same Until we can agree on a name
Let’s be clear, just talk it straight You said mind games are what you hate But you always do that so well So deceptive, I couldn’t tell
Now I’m empty, now I’m blank And for that I’ve you to thank
We have to keep going until we find out what’s wrong or find out why we don’t know what’s wrong.
Knowing
What’s wrong? Do you know? If not, why is it so? Don’t stop, just keep going On this path to one day knowing
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to receive a friendly warm welcome when I dropped by Bruno’s house yesterday. He is feeling very happy now that he is no longer working for TLC and is enthusiastically talking about plans for the future and particularly his garden, which I can tell has got him really upbeat.
I’m feeling rather pleased with myself today. I spent it all either reading, sketching, studying Thai, drinking coffee, driving and writing poetry – not bad for a day at work! Enjoy it while I can.
Damn, it’s cold in the morning. Have been sick, this is the first day back. Amazing long sleep – feel good. Body weakened – need exercise, need discipline again. G.I.on brainbox. Can’t stop reading – so good, so happy. Tattoo ideas formed. Write 1994 and ideas coming – found more old writing. Is it important – no – is it interesting to me? Yes. I’m running out – is there nothing to do except document my life? Should I be living a life still? What is it? I love my home – my comfort here.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have access to YouTube and to have an internet connection. Having internet means it is easy to live anywhere in the world. If I didn’t have it I could probably still manage but life would be a lot different – time would have a totally different meaning. The things I use the internet for are thought-provoking and thinking makes me alive.
Week off morning routine – get back into it. Heavy breathing – work, tired body. Looking good – but not where I want to be yet. Turn fat into muscle. Little by little – as I taught the kids.
Sleep easy – alarm surprised. What dreams – I don’t know.
Today today today – easy day, so fill it. Get ready for Ellen’s students again. Have no desire to do it – so I will do it – push through. But do it well. I know the hardest step is just starting again – and I’m not afraid.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my full free day yesterday. I enjoyed it so much. Running around the garden with Baimon, listening to Alice Donut whilst looking through old photos, writing in my journal, reading comics and playing Xbox. Lazy and fun day which has made me feel very happy.
I pulled myself out of bed and forced myself back into my morning routine, including 10 burpees, which I was contemplating skipping. I also had time to write morning pages though they still couldn’t quiet my brain during meditation. Maybe tomorrow I will switch back to sitting up to meditate.
The result of this effort was a day of weird happiness and joy that I couldn’t help feeling. So, the best thing that happened?
On several occasions when I was communicating with students I felt a better understanding despite difficulties in verbal communication – a more common bond – it made me feel good.
I did a sketch of House and will try to do some more. I read some Dostoevsky which was very meaningful and marked certain parts – something I’ve always forgotten to do before! I’ve bounced back from my cold – and now Amy has it instead.
I also did a quick video call with a new student that I will start teaching online tomorrow.
I am so happy and grateful for my nice pen and writing books. They encourage me to write down my thoughts.
The best thing that happened today was helping out in JJ’s classroom and helping Irene with her work. She’s a smart girl but will leave the school at the end of this semester to go to an engineering school because her family has a building business.
She told me she is the firstborn so she has to take over the business. I think that she is capable. It made me happy to help her and some others in that class.
Music from Senyawa, Jamesy and Sean, Far East Family Band, Air Miami, Arcwelder, Flesh Narc, X_X, Deerhoof, Hidden Rifles, The Damned, Chepang, Lindsay Cooper, Tigermen, Fifty Foot Hose, Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros, F, Younger Brothers, Shadow Minstrels, Cypress Hill and Eddie and the Hot Rods.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my computer. It enables me to do so many things. I wonder if I could live without it? Of course, I could but I don’t think I want to.
To-do list
More 1994ever ✅
Record TCRAH – spend time on this one ✅
Watch less TV today ✅
More drawing
Today is Tuesday. I haven’t been writing in here because I have gotten myself absorbed in some good TV and by the time I come to bed it’s too late to turn on the light and write.
I feel like things are coming together more in my room – nearly got all the CDs in their cases – after more than two years! Now I’m trying to get rid of the CDRs and thinking about all the DVDs I have and what to do with them.
I’m hoping to keep up with all the backlog of 1994ever and other bits and pieces of writing. It’s been enjoyable to go through all those, thinking about the past. It still feels like it happened to someone else. Even brief glimpses of mundane things pop into my head and it makes me think about what times and events that I’m part of now will pop into my mind in the future.
Life feels quite mundane and predictable though I also feel quite happy and content.
I am so happy and grateful for our beautiful long grass on our driveway. It’s very beautiful and makes me feel at home.
The life which we received was given to us not that we might just admire it, but that we should ever look for new truth hidden from us.
John Milton
To-do list
Record TCRAH ✅
Find other recordings on Soulseek ✅
Finish lesson plan ✅
I didn’t get to write last night as I was savouring watching The Night Of and wanted to finish it.
Anyway, over these two days, I did the 3 challenges and I’m slowly preparing myself for more. No real insights or deep thoughts – just soldiering on. I did do an entry for the Stoa Journal about what you would think if yesterday was the last day of your life – that was quite thought-provoking. I find doing the entries quite challenging and would to contemplate them more deeply. Maybe I will if I blog them sometime in the future.
I’m feeling like I’m more committed to completing the 1994ever writings and hoping to keep up with coinciding with the dates this year.
In the 1970s, 80s and 90s, Arthur Deikman warned that many of the spiritual and utopian groups that had mushroomed out of the counter-culture were harmful cults…… He identified four signs of cult-like behaviour — dependence on a leader, compliance with the group, forbidding dissent, and devaluing outsiders. These four behaviours were particularly strong in cults, he suggested, but existed throughout society.
Jules Evans – The soulful psychiatrist (email newsletter)
When I read this I immediately became aware that the school system that I am working within in this country is cult-like. These are government schools where I work, so it makes some sense. Governments operate utilising these four behaviours too.
In this system, preferences are given to the leader, superior or elder, whether they are deserving or not. If they are found lacking machinations begin to move that leader along, often with a handshake to comfort the stab in the back.
Compliance within the group is essential. You must conform. Non-conformity will enable idle gossip, rumour and lies. This will dig deep into your soul until it becomes unbearable. The nail that sticks out gets hammered down. (I am that nail, over and over. Yes, I am stupid but I hope to learn.) It is a culture clash that happens repeatedly as teachers come and go faster than they can be replaced. No one learns from this as each party shakes their fists as they walk away.
Dissent leads the same way. Any question is seen as dissent, any suggestion is dissent, opening your mouth can be taken as dissent. To make improvements trickster behaviour must be employed, backroom suggestions that may filter through as if the leaders had thought of it themselves.
And the old favourite – devaluing outsiders. In an environment of education, it seems like it should be essential for everyone to work together. However, here there is a palpable us and them. If you decide to follow the path of non-compliance and dissent you will be seen to have no value (‘you’re one of them, one of them’). The survival technique ensures devaluing yourself – it is too great a burden for many to take.
I am not filled with hope for education in this country. But I can hope that it is only my limited experience and that things are much better in private schools at least, but which unfortunately only the wealthy can afford.
The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #28
Music from Aburadako, Ween, The Fall, Ahleuchastistas, Steve Miller Band, Radio Palestine, Sajjanu, The Motions, The Letters, Abnorman Chaffy, The Ramones, Jimi Hendrix Experience, Girls Against Boys, Marmalade Butcher, Guzzlemug, Slight Seconds, Cinematics, Strange Changes.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to watch our trees sprout new growth. To see the birds fly down from the branches and pick up yummy worms.
To-do list
Practice being nicer to everyone ½
Upload and record TCRAH ✅
Check files and start grading ✅
More CD sorting ✅
Xbox Dance today?
I woke up a little hungover today despite only having two beers last night. I’m really not enjoying drinking as much now, though I think I’m not really enjoying anything at the moment. It’s just a feeling that I’m sure will pass soon enough. I feel like I’m going through the motions mostly.
I did get a few things done today and starting to refocus myself a little and after six days stuck at home, I am getting a little itchy to just go for a walk.
I really want to get up tomorrow morning and start playing that dance game. I must do it. I should dance – in my own unstylish way. It will at least make Amy smile.
I got bothered today because Amy mentioned that when I write to school or TLC my words are quite argumentative, or could be perceived that way. I need to become more aware of that and be more amenable. I must think more about what I write and hoping that will transfer to the way I speak too.
I’m sitting here in a hot classroom with about thirty 10 and 11-year-olds dancing, screaming, shouting, crying, punching, singing, banging doors and hanging out windows. And this is on a good day.
But it is a good day. I am in the zone. I can hear and see the cacophony whirling around me, can feel the rush of air as little ghosts dash past. But I don’t notice it. Is this what a meditative state is like? I don’t know (yet).
I sat and listened to a meditation the other night. It had some special name and special components; it was interesting but made me very anxious. After relaxing into a quieter state you had to imagine yourself climbing a steep hill and huffing deeply, gasping for air. OK, I can imagine that. But this went on for what felt like 5 minutes. Huff huff. I wasn’t sure if I wasn’t getting too much air, or too little. Huff huff. I felt dizzy. Huff huff. Nauseous. Huff huff. Anxious. Huff huff. Muscles wound tight, I tensed my stomach, itched my arms and kicked my legs. Fuck this.
Of course, I understand the purpose and I’ll check this again – maybe in a morning before I’ve had any coffee. The feeling of reaching the top of a mountain after extreme exertion will always have a relaxing satisfaction. It’s a long journey. Next time.
I’m jealous of those who enjoy the benefits of meditation and it’s not that I don’t think I can do it. I fill my time with many things and meditation hasn’t found its way onto that list quite yet. Well, it is on the list, but never ticked.
Recently I have been able to tick a lot of things though and I’m quite proud of that. Everything around is about a challenge at the moment. A challenge of change. I’ve pondered if I’m having my mid-life crisis now. I think I had a minor one when I was about thirty but on reflection, it doesn’t seem like it was that critical. I want to get that long story written down one day, perhaps just so I can still remember it or enjoy it again when I’m going senile. Who knows when that will be?
If I can tick off some little challenges and form some good habits out of them I think they will prepare me for the bigger challenges that may be ahead. The unexpected challenges, the ones that you don’t realise are messing with your head and your happiness. I’m looking for better reactions and outcomes as I know I am sometimes my own worst enemy. I want to change.
I’m in a place right now that I consider a little precarious.
Moving from Australia to Thailand didn’t feel like much of a big deal and I have been particularly happy since making this move. No longer being in such a financial struggle has allowed lots of spare time to read, listen to music, write and learn more about myself. I have never needed to be surrounded by lots of people to maintain happiness and now I am far away from those that I have made friends with around the world. So, no big deal, I can make new friends here in Thailand.
But here’s the rub. I’m very conscious of some of the nefarious reasons that people come to live in Thailand, and how many Thais can exploit that. I didn’t come here to get sidetracked with other people’s ridiculous dramas. That rules out getting involved with the more visible of the English speakers where I am. Those people make themselves known.
I understand the comfort those people find drinking, gossiping and fornicating together. In a different time, I would’ve happily joined in. I don’t want to judge them too harshly. I just don’t want to be around them.
Now, myself not being the most outgoing person in the world, I am struggling a little bit because I would at least like the opportunity to make connections with more people. Not superficial acquaintances but connections like I have made in the past.
I can now look back at the feelings my ex from Japan had as she found it difficult to maintain friendships in Australia with her fellow countrymen as the nature of migration is most often temporary (not made easier by some countries’ inhospitable attitudes towards migrants).
Now I find myself with similar feelings.
I am attempting to connect as much as I can digitally and I am mostly happy in my little kingdom at home but outside those gates is starting to become a little scary and precarious. I feel like the rug could be pulled away at any time without any hope of control.
I started to think more about this because I set myself a challenge to talk to a stranger every day. That’s when I realised that I am the stranger now. Whilst I can communicate with a Thai person on a superficial level it can rarely go deeper, rarely connect.
Otherwise, I rarely see any other foreigners where there is an opportunity to talk but now it is in my mind. I tell the students here that they should run up to any foreigner they see and just start talking. Now, I have to tell myself to do that. It may be nothing…. No, it will never be nothing – there will always be something gathered from that challenge.
A friend may not be made; a connection may be forged; but a lesson will always be learned.
Now, I really should get back to studying some Thai.
Can you tell me What it is? Does it hurt you When I do this?
I love it, I hate it, I love it, I hate it too I love it, I hate it, I love it, so how about you?
Can you tell me? ‘Cause I don’t know Why don’t you tell me Why is it so Confusing?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I can think through things better than I could before. Even though I haven’t been severely tested yet, every little piece of learning is helping to prepare me for any difficult situations in the future.
I’m quite envious of my students sometimes when I watch them laughing and playing together. I can feel the joy and excitement – it shines through their skin. It takes me back to those utter joyful days of excitement and wonder. Nothing else mattered except the fun to be had.
It has just struck me that the event that changed me was when we were at school at night time, to perform a play. All the students were there and lots of parents too. I had such a feeling of joy and connection that I wanted to kiss everybody. I was the same age as the kids in my class now.
When I wanted to kiss boys, I was mercilessly ridiculed by some of the more sexually advanced kids and they then gossiped to other kids and I left that once joyful night totally humiliated. Hmm. That night played on my mind for a long time and is obviously still clear to me now. Fucking kids.
From commonplace book
From quiet homes and first beginning Out of the undiscovered ends There’s nothing worth the wear of winning Save laughter and the love of friends
Hilaire Belloe
To-do list
Start compiling exam questions ½
Check if emails can be compiled and printed ✅
Write more in school journal ✅
Can you find an opportunity to help someone
Keep practising – Think first, speak later
Strange day today. Only found out when I arrived that there was some event on all morning and there would be no lessons which meant changing my teaching plans somewhat. I really felt quite chill with everything today. Whilst others were complaining I thought it wasn’t useful. We always complain about the same things. We know they will happen again and again – so complaining isn’t going to change anything.
I sat in my classroom and did what I wanted all morning as I hadn’t been given any directive to be elsewhere. The lack of communication can work in my favour.
I compiled a bunch of outstanding emails and printed a bunch of things so I’m quite pleased with that. I started putting together the exam questions and have a few weeks left to complete all that.
I had lots of time as I also had no classes in the afternoon so I was able to read and write a lot. As I didn’t meet many adults today I didn’t really find an opportunity to help anyone. I would’ve liked to ask Kru Noon if she wanted me to do anything but I only saw her for about five minutes around lunchtime. I’ll keep in my mind that I should offer some help.
I spoke a bit more than necessary when I met some of the other teachers – must remember to keep some thoughts to myself. I didn’t overdo anything though. Just something to keep getting better at.
Tomorrow I will drive to Chiang Mai for my passport application. I challenge myself to drive more slowly – not over 100 km/h and to be more careful. I will go to Mohawk Bar in the evening and meet John Murrie – I’m interested in what he has to say about teaching and politics.
If I have time I will drop by International House and say hello. Also, if time and money permits I’d like to check out the bookshop that Oh recommended.
1994ever 