Month: August 1994

Live in awareness of the fact you’re alive – 22nd August 1994

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Sat here in my room, next to the train line. Reading Ginsburg’s America. The planes coming down around me threatening to pass through my window. I wonder how quickly I can move if the nose ploughs in through the fern curtains. Into my life into my room.

The trains carry on past just glimpsing in as they go. The flowers outside dance in the wind, God’s breath giving them life. And the three cats sit and laze knowing attention will come their way, sooner or later – not bothered. Waiting.

The piano begs my fingers, though they know no melody and rhythm but I’ll let them dance over the keys, tapping out my song. When the right notes hit it feels me full of majesty, happy, high on life like no drug.

I wanted to write about number 41 when I was there but destiny altered that desire and now it will have to be done with hindsight. Though hindsight is better than no sight at all I wish I was there to clearly describe to you that plain old building, fifth along in the row of twenty or so. And with the events surrounding us leaving that blackens the view, dim’s the picture – which will have to be dragged from my clouded memory anyway. I’ll go away and think about it and return to disclose my secrets.

Horizon is oblivious – 19th August 1994

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Hey, hey, hey, back to the old typewriter to save ma poor wrist, which is, as a matter of fact, feeling much better, thank you very much. Now’s a Friday, another week rushes by. It’s great to be at home, even if this house doesn’t feel much like home, at least it’s not at work right? And it’s a shame the poor Broni has to leave me each morning to go to her work but I get up at the same time too and organise myself.

Broni did try and leave me lists of things to do but I’m proving to her that I am a domesticated little bunny anyway and even presented her with a delicious curry meal last night that I slaved over in the kitchen (not true really, I just picked some recipe and cooked ’em, this cooking business is a piece of piss if you’ve got all the ingredients – that’s the hardest thing to organise I reckon and I remember zip from doing Home Economics at school).

We got into our heads we were going to get on a train and travel around Scandinavia until Wednesday when Broni got home from work early and we dashed into town to find out info when it dawned on us quite how expensive it was going to be and how little time we had to organise (time and organisation – keywords in my life right now). So we walked across the street into a travel agent and booked us a ticket to Rhodes – just like that, no messing about here. No time, no organisation!

We both talked to Rob for ages that night as prom music blasted out from the TV – Cool! I typed up my column for the STE Bulletin next day which was my first use of a normal typewriter in a zillion years, can’t beat computers. Hopefully, it will stir a few people up. You know, sometimes I write down some stuff and just run along thought processes and end up with some really enlightened stuff, stuff I wouldn’t normally think of. I wonder how I can run that process without having to write it down. It would be a definite advantage to be able to analyse the situation immediately but my mind’s always in such a blur of speed (not the drug) that thoughts get lost before they’re even thunk! Broni calls me impulsive, which is probably nicer than what some people would call it!

Destiny – 17th August 1994

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What mad destiny brought us here?
Deluded dreams and corners turned
What courage fought away the fear
To see the many paths we burned?

We look behind to see the past
Happy that it is where it belongs
Those times were never meant to last
And today we sing much happier songs

And dance we shall, jump and leap
With friends we have found and made
And when the time comes to sleep
We’ll dream what part destiny played

If ugliness is all you see you can just tear out your eyes – 16th August 1994

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Five days is often too long a period of time to recall some events and with the blur of the weekend that passed, anything beyond is lost without a struggle, ‘cept I remember Broni had the Friday off work and we went into town. I remember the bookshop and that’s it! Lettuce and coriander also trigger those memory cells. Aha – recall we got stoned in the evening and a bottle of sparkling wine! Needless to say, we fell asleep after that!

On Saturday we found ourselves back in Southampton with the intention of sorting through poems with Rob but we got diverted by music and cooking for the bands playing tonight’s gig. Time flies by with some way cool conversation concerning certain columns for the next S.T.E. gig bulletin (and Rob’s cool one for the current bulletin).

Me and Broni go via Selinas to drop off our gear then give her a lift to the gig. Lots of people, lots of noise, standard gig by the S.T.E. standards, unfortunately, no bands really shine out except maybe Thirst who now sound much fuller with Phil moving over to second guitar and Crispin coming in on bass. More practice and confidence and they’ll be cool for sure.

Sooner or later (and me much drunker) we head back to Selina’s with support band Travis Cut in tow and things start to liven up and develop into a mini raging party with various people dancing round the dining room table to Rocket from the Crypt. The last time I see a clock, it’s about 2am, I’m sure I crawl up onto a bed in the middle of a conversation and curl into the fetal position only five minutes later but find out next day it was nearer 4 o’clock.

Awake at nine we find Rob crashed at the top of the stairs, no blanket, no nothing – mad boy! Rich at the bottom of the stairs claiming victory over sleep with a 6 o’clock touchdown after chatting to Selena through the last couple of hours. Johnny on the floor, who I take pity on by farting in his sleeping bag, much to Rich’s amusement and poor Johnny got relegated to the floor cause I wussed out on his bed, Broni joining me soon after apparently – I was out for the count!

Time doesn’t stand still for us anyway and before you can say Canned Heat we’re on the road again, this time too Welham Green, a tiny pretty village near St Albans, to meet another of Broni’s cousins, Purdy, her boyfriend, the strong silent softy Duncan, along with Piers and Isobel. We are zombied to some extent and the day takes on a very relaxing shape with a salad and quiche in the quiet garden while next door’s racing pigeons practice circle manoeuvers overhead and little ones running around keeping us entertained.

And here we got our first wedding gift – a beautiful blown glass bowl that we can only guess the expense of – amazing subtle colours that sparkle in the sunlight. And then, after Piers and Isobel depart, we walk off our lunch across fields, woods and streams, sun glorious in its life-bringing, the fields open up and reveal the earth and its true freedom (imprisoned and abused by man for most of us). Life couldn’t be simpler and lost I was in the beauty of it all.

And now as I write and in my dreams last night, one phrase repeats round and round my head, “If ugliness is all you see you can just tear out your eyes” (Flag of Democracy).

We get home after a 2 1/2 hour drive and slip-slide in the warm soothing waters of our bath before dozing off into dreamworld. Our minds reliving each second of each day to try and catch a memory and keep it and hold it forever (save writing it down), lost in the blur mostly. Write your book of dreams, friends.

Huggy Bear, Bob Tilton, Thirst!, Persecution Complex – Joiners, Southampton, Hampshire, UK – 13th August 1994

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From Rich Levine’s encyclopedic memory banks:

“Another landmark & eventful gig for us! One evening I took a phone call from a bloke called Stuart asking us about a Joiners gig for HUGGY BEAR! Now as this was not too long after the height of the Riot Grrl media exposure & HUGGY BEAR had made a high-profile appearance on ‘The Word’ (Channel 4’s then flagship music show) my initial reaction was to suggest that he spoke to Mint about doing a Next Big Thing gig but Stuart was adamant that they wanted to play a D.I.Y. gig & that he knew all about the S.T.E.
When I met Stuart at the gig it turned out we recognised each other from London gigs & he was a friend of Sean from WAT TYLER! So we did the gig & there were no problems at all with how things worked – as per our usual way of working there was no contract or guarantee.
There were a couple of surprises though – the first was that a band from Plymouth called PERSECUTION COMPLEX turned up & ended up playing. The second was that Graham Coxon from BLUR was going out with one of HUGGY BEAR then & he accompanied his girlfriend to The Joiners.
Afterwards, when he heard that Coxon had been in attendance, Rob Turl exclaimed that he would have decked him if he’d known! 😉
THIRST! opened & their ‘Friend’ 7″ was out at this point (the very first SD Records release).
This was also the start of a long & wonderful friendship with the guys from TRAVIS CUT (Chris Evans, Mac Cut McDonald). We’d met them at a JAWBOX gig in their Harlow hometown earlier in the year & got in touch, loved their debut ‘Waking Hours’ 7″ & when Nottingham’s BOB TILTON, who were originally billed couldn’t do it (we’d have to wait for their first S.T.E. gig), they were an obvious replacement.
Afterwards TRAVIS CUT stayed at Jonny, Selina & Dave’s house in Maybush, me & Rob joined them & it was a wonderful evening.
The next day, just as TRAVIS CUT drove home to Harlow, a beautiful cat turned up almost as if he’d jumped out of their van. He stuck around & it seemed inevitable to call him Travis (Cat). I immediately struck up an affinity with Travis & a year later when Jon & Selina moved to a house where they couldn’t have cats, Travis moved in with me & lived with me for the next 14 years of his long life until his passing in 2009. R.I.P. Travis.
Sadly, Stuart the guy who booked the HUGGY BEAR date passed away some years back too.
The flyer backdrop photo was of a Japanese or Korean musician that I again purloined from The Observer or Guardian newspaper.”

5th Jan 2024 – I was selling off my records at the back of the room throughout this show and though I remember little of the supports, I was really into Huggy Bear’s music but at one point their hyperbole made me wonder what their point was as it was a little lost in the mess of noise coming from the stage. From the back of the room, I shouted out ‘Who are you and why am I here?’ to which Bronwyn shushed me. I thought it was quite a valid sentiment though not sure if anyone was paying attention really. And it really didn’t stop me from enjoying them at all.

Nothing means nothing to me – 11th August 1994

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Went to the other doctor (mentioned last post) but he refused to see me, being as he was so close to the other (first) doctor – so much for a second opinion! Got back to work and wrote some but things deteriorated very quickly until I was unable to write or lift anything. Went by to the first doctor I saw and thankfully, this time he was more helpful – prescribing drugs, referral to occupational therapy to get a wrist splint and, at last, x-rays of my wrist. Oh yes, and I got signed off work for two weeks, me only having two weeks left to work anyway!

So, on the Wednesday I went early up to the hospital expecting to wait all day for appointments and got everything done within an hour. A nice wrist support , x-rays and down to pick up medicine at the chemists. Spent the rest of the day reading and walking round town, until Broni got back and we went off to see the film ‘Sirens’ in Bournemouth. A reasonable film but a bit slow.

Walked through the park as millions of candles were being lit amongst all the flowers and bushes in the gardens. Hundreds of people milling about, watching the youth orchestra on the bandstand, heading for the pier or the beach, or heading home after a long day keeping their kids amused, with the kids being on school holiday and this being the height of the tourist season. Things do not seem quite as sinister as London in that respect – for one, you could smell the flowers and not exhaust fumes!

Ok, gotta go before my wrist explodes.

All you fellas better change your ways, yeah, leaving this town in a matter of days – 8th August 1994

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After feeling a bit rough in the stomach department and then stuffing a huge pizza on Thursday, there was nothing for it ‘cept to take Friday off! So I spent a lazy day ambling about in Poole, Just a walk away across the park from where we live now. The park is full of mad ducks and geese and swans all crowing about looking for food off the tourists. And when Broni returned from her work (she’s now winding down too, thankfully!) we set off on the buses for Bournemouth back to good Chinese food and then a dash down to the beach at 10pm, through all the crowds, to catch a firework display. We got to the beach as the last rocket exploded! Luckily we’d been able to see all the aerial light show high in the sky. We were pretty drunk by this time and I guess we got home on the bus somehow!

Saturday was spent lazily too and in the evening we went up to Consumers Paradise to see ‘The Flintstones’. I enjoyed it greatly thanks to a few puffs of magic smoke. We attempted a walk in the park on our return but we got too paranoid with all the dimly lit paths and alleys and ominous shadows of trees. We had to crash out early to get up at half five to catch the early bird bus up to London. And so we trekked back across the park in the early dawn, both still sleepy-eyed.

On the bus, we spread out, my back with an aching hurt making me sit bolt upright and I read William Burroughs and Broni read Roddy Doyle. In the blink of an eye we’re off the bus to a quiet sunny Sunday in central London. First stop for refreshments at the Fountain Cafe, and then into the tube across town to Islington to Piers at Mildmay Grove (now made famous (of sorts) in a poem, to Piers’ amusement).

Soon after arrival, Piers’ Orstraylian friend, Andrew, turned up with enthusiasm for our ‘freeways’, “strewth, knocking on the ton most of the way, just to keep up with people!” He assured us I’d have a great time in Sydney, “Bedder then heya, thet’s fer shore!” Soon he dropped us off near Euston after a 100mph car ride through London’s busy streets. “Oi luv those corners, especially with the four-wheel droive.” and some off the cuff remark while we were talking about money he noted about a fellow car driver “that blek fella’s dun awright fer ‘imself droiving a rolla, must be a drag ranner!” No sign of irony, sarcasm, hatred or even ignorance. Beyond ignorance!

Piers took us to Chutnie for Sunday lunch. An Indian restaurant with a three pounds ninety-five, all you can eat menu. OK food, but no popadoms! Piers then took us to various parts of London, all on foot, which was good but after a while, in the wrong places, we got fed up with the people everywhere.

Piers left us to it as he had to dash off to some BBQ and soon after Broni and I lost our rag, poisoned by the city I’m sure. After making up we started to realise just how tired we were and how fed up with all the tourist traps we were. Things got worse as we searched for food nourishment around tea time. My back pain had transferred to chest pain and as we sat drinking an orange juice and water I got scared and cried at the memory of Steve saying “could be the grim reaper for me” after seeing the doctor about chest pains, just days before his death. Then, frustrated, we found an American diner in Leicester Square with the vague hope of getting well-fed but all we got was fed up with shitty garlic bread and nachos with no guacamole – what the fuck! Totally overpriced too for the tourist boom – it was here we started to hate London and it’s consumer nightmare. Buy or die. Charging over a pound for a coffee is just pure rip-off and taking advantage of people – I can’t believe people are sucked in so easily but you are constantly bombarded by it.

We tubed over to Victoria to prepare to leave and things got decidedly evil. I paid 20p for a piss and approached the urinal thinking to myself, stand at the opposite end to the drain hole so you don’t have to smell everyone else’s piss. I’d done the wrong thing as I was thinking that, of course, but made a mental note to do that next time. As all that was going on in my head I became aware of some dude stood two booths away. Looking down I saw no signs of piss flowing down the drain and realised this guy was jerking himself off as he looked over at me. I quickly finished up and fled feeling a bit flustered. Not sickened but saddened by this behaviour. I felt strange for several minutes and as I walked up the stairs at Victoria I saw the shadow of Satan’s angel cast on the ground. I turned and looked up but, nothing! A very real experience probably easily explained but in my emotional state, very believable. And suddenly the city seemed insidious, dirty, depraved and evil and as we begged to leave, our coach was delayed. Only memorable point was while we were waiting, catching a girl’s eye by chance and her smiling at me!

Bussed home eventually, me looking after Broni as her health deteriorated by the poison of the day until she puked as we walked back across the park, now shrouded in darkness, ‘cept sky lit up by wandering searchlights touching the low-level cloud with fingers of fire.

Back at work today, still sad inside with thoughts of the dead city and Broni coming home ill after half a day’s work. I went to the doctors about my wrist again, where I was palmed off with the same old rest and recuperate rubbish. I think there’s more to it and have booked to see another doctor tomorrow. This has been very painful to write I’ll remind you – sympathy, please!

I’m getting excited about leaving now and frightened too but not so much as I’d expected. It seems like I’m just moving house – difficult to explain. Hey – had a great long cool chat with Rob on Saturday night – one cool dude is our Rob. Remember, Rob is God.

Enjoy yourself, this is the new age – 4th August 1994

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Since then things have been quiet, relative to the last two weeks, only incident’s being getting our deposits back off Tony Newton only for him to phone up accusing us of stealing the TV from the house. John was under the impression it didn’t belong to the house so we sold it for a fiver! Luckily I could get it back so I dropped it over only to find Tony back on the phone saying that’s not the right TV! I’m just laughing at it all now – it’s into joke territory!

Besides that, work took a turn yesterday as I was literally accused of stealing money from the till! Not by my boss but by his. My boss Sid trusts me ok but I was pretty damn pissed off so I’ve told him I’m not going to have any involvement with cash whatsoever, which really restricts the work that I can do. If he doesn’t like it, he can lump it. What a shitty thing to get said with only three weeks left there.

As you can imagine I’m not pushing myself at all anymore and with my wrist I may even have to stop writing again which means I’ll be able to do even less work. I’m looking forward to not working for a while that’s for sure. Rest and relaxation I’m not too accustomed to but heck, I’ll try anything.

Dear Jawbreaker – 3rd August 1994

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Shaun
c/o xx Mallard Road
Wimborne
Colehill DORSET

Dear Jawbreaker,

Excerpt from tour diary

Monday 28th September 1992
Tuesday 29th September 1992

Hi, my name is Shaun, I interviewed you guys for 3 Parent Family fanzine back in 90/91 (?) and was looking forward to seeing you guys play. Unfortunately, destiny has dealt me a bad hand on that score as you can see from the above tour diary, and now to finish it off you are playing in my local scene just weeks after I leave to go and live in Australia!!!

Maybe you could dedicate a song to me when you play? How about the tour song off Bivouac??

Hope it all goes well for you and maybe, just maybe, I’ll get to see you guys someday.

Let us know if you’re ever planning to play Australia!!

Love and Respect

22nd Oct 2024 – If memory serves me correctly I gave a copy of this typewritten letter to Rich Levine in the hope that he passed it to the band before they played in Southampton that year. I’m not sure if that actually happened or not though.

It’s getting so hot people are dripping with sweat – 2nd August 1994

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Sheila turned up first (Broni’s cousin) after a six hour train trip down from Newcastle Under Lyme. Then Lisa and Mykala (how do you spell that name!?), Simon (pictured), Rich, Barry, Garry and Mark , followed by Mick and Ray, all the Southampton gang and Murray and Jasper.

Tony took on the record decks but Barry offered us a couple of hours of 3 string guitar entertainment outside. The dance floor rocked, alcohol drunk, and people dropped, then more came (and more) and people we didn’t know took over and mingled and mixed and left again til about 3am some neighbour asked to be quiet outside so we took everyone in ‘cepting the record fair boys who elected to sleep under the stars.

And at about 4am me and Broni headed for bed, where most already were, to be showered with confetti by John and Rob! And the next thing I know, an almighty thunderstorm, in and around my dreams and then I wake up real zombie-like, wishing those left farewell as they slowly sauntered off home to nurse their hangovers and headaches.

I took John, Kerry (another Kerry), Shiela and Broni down to Bournemouth to see the guys at the record fair. Barry was crashed out in the back of his van and Garry and I couldn’t get a word out of him (he did groan some). Everyone looked fucked but said they enjoyed themselves. They’d just woken up as the rain began this morning too.

Then off to the Russell Cotes museum for an hour of zombied interest. Lots of beautiful Japanese things in there but as you can imagine, we saw everything through blurred eyes and double vision.

Back home (sort of), I helped John move his stuff to my mum’s, where he’s staying for 7 days before his trip to Europe, while Broni and Shiela slept back at Kerry’s. Thankfully the rest of the day passed by without too much incident and sleep crept over us around 10pm.

Monday morning woke us happy and giggling and wow, I feel like I’ve never been so much in love with my beautiful girlfriend, best friend, Broni. Her beautiful soft skin turns me on and our bodies compliment each other as they fit together (I don’t just mean sexually) in embrace. Snug fit baby!

More later – this wrist is on it’s way out I’m sure! The chiropractic helped but I just can’t help abusing my body in one form or another!