Month: February 2020

Have you got 10p? – 19th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful to my aching feet. They suffer but are still going. My aching hips, just working. My dodgy knee, my crooked neck, my weak wrists. One day so these pains will be gone. So will I.

What decides whether a sum of money is good? The money is not going to tell you.

Epictetus, Discourses

To-do list

  • Finish Kru Noon’s card ½
  • Start picture for Tian
  • Start spreadsheet for WDS tour ✅
  • Listen to Donald Robertson lecture ½
  • Plan to take Amy to OK@Chiang Rai ✅

In a much more positive frame of mind today. The knowledge of no longer working in this school has taken the pressure off but it is making me wonder why I can’t just think like that all the time? I’m hoping that the move to a new school and position will give me the fresh approach I need. I tried to do that this semester and was only somewhat successful. Now I have a little more experience under my belt.

I will have a job interview tomorrow and hopefully, that will go well. I should take a notebook with me and make notes. I don’t think I’ll ask too many questions and will suggest some ideas I have based on some textbooks I found useful today too.

I chatted for about 20 minutes with Fred this morning and we discussed the failings of the schools in Thailand and our different methods of dealing with it. I am quite aware that my method is not the best way. I must learn the way that can keep me calm and happy and at the same time try to do my best for the students.

I’m giving myself another 12 months to see if I can turn things around for myself. I will try to do this by remembering how George deals with things and consciously putting them into practice. I feel like some of the pieces of the puzzle are coming together today. I feel strong enough to be able to deal with things. I just hope I can maintain this when difficult situations arise.

My blood is working, but my, my heart is dead – 18th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I can communicate enough with non-English speakers. I will try to learn more and more.

Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now, take what’s left and live it properly. What doesn’t transmit light creates its own darkness.

Marcus Aurelius

To-do list

  • More about emotional control ½
  • 20-minute meditations ✅
  • Sort out passport/visa change ✅
  • Sort out return visa exemption ✅
  • Give Maisarah letter ✅

Improved positive emotions today, helped by having to go to Immigration in the morning to get my visa transferred to my new passport – ie. not sitting around in school.

Gave Maisarah my gratitude letter and spent an hour or so talking with her. She’s a good person.

I felt much calmer today and though I thought about Kimi often it was happy memories of him laughing and joking.

This evening I sat for over 2 hours at the neighbour’s funeral as the monk made everyone laugh with his words, sometimes making fun of me. It was an interesting approach to often sombre occasions. Even though I couldn’t understand his words I could feel the happiness throughout those gathered and I could also see or at least understand the positive effects of community.

I lost my membership card to the human race – 17th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

It’s amazing how one emotional event can soon be overshadowed by a larger one therefore putting the first into more perspective. On Friday I fought for what I believed and ended up in a cloud of destructive self doubt. On Saturday it all became irrelevant.

I try to clear my mind. Breathe in and breathe out. Focus on it. Thoughts come charging, running across my imagination. Focus. Re-focus. But they come too quickly, from all sides. Emotions rising from my belly, adding to the darkness inside.

I started writing a diary in 1994 after my best friend Steve Burgess passed away aged only 23. I kept that up for the year that saw me move from England to Australia. I continued writing bits and pieces over the years and then in 2018 I decided to start this blog and document another transition moving from Australia to Thailand. The final move date was decided by my mother’s passing in February 2019.

Now I have to write again about another best friend passing away, this time not significant of anything. Just another Saturday. He was 36 years old.

I’m shocked and devastated. I don’t have many people I would consider as close friends and now another has gone. Rationally I know it happens, it happens to everyone. Everyone you know will be gone. Everyone you love. But I’m not feeling rational again yet. Just let me be like this for a while. I’ll be ok.

I love you Kimi.

I’m starting to see why people find comfort in religion. Their faith counters our natural fear of death. If it all boils down, that is all it is. And that’s fine. I have to learn to deal with my fear of death by living now. The fear of death should make us happy.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I have the chance to make another day count.

To-do list

  • Passwords for Amy ✅
  • Investigate emotional control ½
  • Be nice to people you don’t like
  • Go to gym after work
  • Look at G’s lesson plans ✅

I got through school today in a bit of a blur but it was OK. Asikin messaged me and told me how Kimi died and I decided to go and visit in a couple of weeks time.

I’m thinking a little differently about teaching now and trying not to let the kids bother me. If they don’t want to learn, then forget about it. I’ll try my best but I will try not to let them affect me.

Tomorrow I will try to read more about emotional control – what I read today was OK but a bit superficial. My self-control was tested with the kids but I didn’t lose it, even though I sometimes had to raise my voice to be heard.

I learned today that bad feelings don’t have to last a long time and I can make the choice about it.

Twenty years ago, saw a friend walking by and I stopped him on the street to ask him how it went – 16th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 3 Comments

There’s a vast difference between the habit of getting by, and the habit of getting better.

This switch from the old way was easy of course, because in the meantime I’d become an adult—I’m running a far more capable system, I just hadn’t thought to update the software.

-Raptitude newsletter

As I sit writing this at lunchtime, I am surrounded by 40 children in the classroom, running back and forth, banging tables, experimenting with musical instruments, attempting homework or chewing on sugary candies. Each shouting over each other to be heard, some making fun, some making fists, some making affections. Some dance, some pull faces, and some express themselves quietly in their own minds before releasing a newfound energy burst that no one cares to notice.

Why can’t I practice this now? Where did my time go? Why does the weight of responsibility bear down on me now? Why do we grow up and what does it mean?

There’s a balance to be found somewhere within your own personal timeline. Do not close the mind off, do not become the old fogey that doesn’t understand the kids today and complains that the music isn’t what it used to be. You’ve had your turn, so what are you going to do now?

You need to upgrade your software. The hardware will continue to fail at a more rapid rate and software is the only way to deal with this problem. Otherwise, you will become redundant and end up dusty on a garage shelf, waiting for recycling one day.

Forever entropy

I got by for a long time. Instead of doing proper software upgrades, I tinkered randomly and blindly with the code. I put them off for as long as possible in a vain effort to maintain an ideal of youth. But youth is clumsy, ugly, grasping for meaning in a darkened room, grasping for skin in a passion of tears.

The light at the end of the tunnel ever approaches – we know one day we will see the light. Let’s get better – this is no time to be getting by.

……and all he did was cry
I looked him in the face, but I couldn’t see past his eyes
Asked him what the problem was, he says “Here is your disguise”

Husker Du – Hardly Getting Over It

Gratitude Journal

I’m so happy and grateful that I am still alive today. Many of us didn’t make it this far.

To-do list

  • Meditate and remember Kimi ✅
  • Tidy up (and move?) room ✅
  • Write down list of passwords for Amy
  • Hang up the bells somewhere ✅
  • Many positive affirmations today ½

Today was a struggle. I knew Amy was right when she was telling me not to cancel my classes today but it still sucked. I have an empty space in my stomach, a constant hole, sickly and void.

Teaching did take my mind off things and I did feel more reasonable afterwards but when I tried to meditate I could not stop my mind from wandering, not even hearing the words of the meditation. I am not looking forward to school tomorrow though know that the distraction will be helpful.

This tragic event puts the stupidity of the schools into perspective. They are not worth my time bothering about.

I talked with Parthiban online and I will try to do more things with him in the future. He was very close with Kimi too and is in the same shock. I will also think about going to Kimi’s funeral and helping Asikin with anything that I can. I talked with Thiban about maybe finishing off any projects that Kimi was in the middle of.

All the things that I have been studying and learning have been thoroughly tested this weekend. I see my biggest issue is over emotional control and I think I will look for more ways to try and improve that. All these ideas have been useless if I can’t utilise them when the time comes

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #25 – 15th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Music from Art Moulu Trefin, GÄA, Sly and the Family Stone, Reciprocate, Death Pedals, Sonic Youth, Jimi Hendrix, Irving Klaw Trio, The Sonics, Pavement, Andy Partridge.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to my friend Kimi who unexpectedly passed away this morning. He was a good man and I loved him very much. I will miss him.

To-do list

  • Get out of this funk
  • Upload and record TCRAH
  • Find opportunity for acts of kindness
  • Case CDs
  • Try longer meditation

Unfortunately, today got worse as I found out my great friend Kimi passed away. I’m shocked and devastated. Despite living in different countries we have remained close since meeting and I always with or visited him when I was in KL. I can’t believe he’s gone.

I didn’t want to do anything except be by myself.

On top of this, the grandfather of the village family also passed away today and we had to help them too. So it’s been an awful couple of days and going back to school on Monday will be a challenge.

Kimi, me and Stacked State in Singapore (2019)
Hayden and Kimi in KL (2015)
Me and Kimi talking shit in Singapore (2019)

There’s nothin’ left to talk about unless it’s horizontally – 14th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Body swap story idea (unrealised)

Characters:
Donald Trump in the body of a sexy topless non-white siren
Rescuer – a full-blooded man with a strong desire for sex with the siren

Scenario:
A post-apocalyptic Earth with white people on the run from the rest of the planet’s people. Trump as President was shot and killed but a mind scan backup was quickly made and transferred to the siren by the rescuer. The rescuer chose the siren for obvious reasons. She was just a stupid chick before and now she is a stupid President chick.

28th Dec 2022 – I think the genesis of this idea is taken from stories in the 1994 comic anthology.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to find my clothes washed and ironed each week

To-do list

  • Get down some notes about that body swap story ✅
  • Conscious of breathing, conscious in conversation ½
  • Study the TOEFL templates ✅
  • More printouts for Khawthang ✅
  • Finish casing CDs

Unfortunately yesterday I had a minor emotional setback as several things that had been bothering me came to a head. I felt sad and depressed and finding it difficult to overcome. The trigger was talking to Jimmy when he gave me my termination letter. He made pathetic excuses for my termination and it really made me mad.

Talking with George I thought would help me feel better but seemed to make it worse as I compare myself to him (which I know I shouldn’t). I don’t know how he can remain so calm and collected in the face of stupidity. I aspire to be like that too but I’m unable to control my emotions well enough. I feel like a failure, and feeling like that reminds me that I am.

They will crawl up in your skin and they will come out from the walls, if you let them – 13th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

What do you believe that others do not?

– A daily writing prompt from stoameditation.com

I believe in fairness, justice, learning, compassion etc…  but so do many other people….

Perhaps there are things that other people believe that I do not, such as gods, more money will make you more happy etc…  Many people believe those things too though.

I feel like this is a trick question and should force you to contemplate all the things you do believe.  When you examine them all maybe there will be something there that no one else believes?

Is there anything that one person might believe that no one else believes though?  Even something obscure is likely to be believed by another person somewhere in the world. As you voice it for the very first time, someone else might agree!

What about this? Is there something you used to believe that you no longer do? When you stop believing something you sometimes block it out and disown it as if you never really believed it. Did I used to believe in ghosts? Some strange things happened that I couldn’t explain then but can explain now. Is that just learning and growing away from ignorance? Is it possible to grow so far away from ignorance, to be able to explain everything, to no longer have any beliefs? Is that some sort of nirvana the Buddhists idealise?

If you believe we live in a simulation then do you really know that one foot goes in front of another when you are walking or do you just believe it is so?

This stupid question has raised more than I’ve been able to answer. Ok, good. Keep the old brain ticking.

I’m off to start on my list of things I believe.

Who called?
What the hell did they say?
Get off the telephone right now
Don’t throw another minute away

Karate – There Are Ghosts

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I don’t have to teach at school for the next two days. Even though it was a late notification and bad planning it’s good for me anyways.

To-do list

  • Finish Kieran’s letter today! ✅
  • Study TOEFL templates ½
  • Connect with someone ✅
  • Random act of kindness ✅
  • Clear videos and emails ✅

I really enjoyed being able to sit in the quiet classroom and finish off Kieran’s letter as well as read a few other things and make some random notes. I skipped out in the afternoon so we could do some much-needed shopping. I don’t know if anyone will say anything tomorrow about not being there the whole day but it does feel a bit unreasonable to expect us to stay the whole day when there is nothing much to do.

It’s the constant annoying frustration of disorganisation and I am learning more to go with the flow.

Spent another enjoyable hour talking with Bruce and thinking of strategies to help him improve. I’m afraid it may be a long journey for him and I don’t want him to think that I’m just milking him for money so I will do my best to facilitate with what he needs to pass his exam.

I was calm and collected for the whole day and employed some of the techniques from the Smiling Mind meditations – becoming conscious of breathing and practising focus on people communicating – not just words but facial and body language, interactions within groups etc. When in those group communications I could have paused longer and forfeited my stories to enjoy theirs more. If I have that opportunity again tomorrow I will practice this.

Tomorrow I will spend all day reading, writing, learning and thinking.

I would be your whipping boy, if you look into my eyes – 12th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

There are two important components of jerkhood.

First: an implicit or explicit sense that you are an ‘important’ person.
Second: an implicit or explicit sense that you are surrounded by idiots.

– Eric Schwitzgebel (blog extract)

Hands up if you’ve ever been a jerk? There should be no hands down. Please comment if you have never been a jerk. Not even once.

Here’s all the times I was a jerk…….

No, no, no, I’m not going to do that! Not here anyway.

I wonder if we actually are surrounded by idiots, or if those people have chosen a simpler path that just makes them appear to be idiots to others. They must have some redeeming qualities.

As individuals, we seem to be quite together, perhaps even inconsequential, yet when we get together to form systems or groups we often devolve into idiothood.

Sometimes I wish I was ignorant and close-minded. Then the truth – the reality – doesn’t matter.

So, I’m sorry to everyone who ever felt that I was a jerk to them. I’m trying.

Well, I feel bad
And I’ve felt worse
And I’m a creep
And I’m a jerk

Mudhoney, Touch Me I’m Sick

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my phone and this app (just called Gratitude). It reminds me of all the little things I should be grateful for.

To-do list

  • Finish reply to Kieran ½
  • Start creating events for WDS ½
  • Enjoy teaching Bruce again ✅
  • Case more CDs ½
  • Do not complain. Think before speaking ½

Got thrown an extra class this morning but luckily it was with one of the better classes of students. The following classes all went well too but I’m starting to feel worn down. I was wondering today if I’m just jealous of the freedom that the kids have, their care-less attitudes, their joys and grievances.

There was almost a fight today as two kids stood up to each other. I was curiously, happily watching it progress and wanted to see how the class dealt with it themselves. I’m not sure if someone was expecting me to step in but eventually Kru Noon did and it was a little disappointing that it fizzled out.

My self-control was tested somewhat when finding out late in the afternoon that there are no classes for the next two days but I looked on the bright side for myself rather than thinking about the unstructured disrupted learning these kids are going through. Two easy days ahead. I hope I get to spend more of this free time in the quiet classroom and write, think and study more.

I taught Bruce again today and he wants to study 2-3 times a week which is good for me. I need to do a bit more research for his lessons as he wants to learn about TOEFL exams for speaking.

I learned today that I can push through and enjoy it when teaching, even when I’m tired. I can improve my methods when teaching Bruce as I feel they have dropped off somewhat at Anuban. As Mohan laughingly mentioned ‘Once you start teaching here you can’t teach anywhere else.’ This shows me his satisfaction at his job and settled into this style, knowing its limitations and drawbacks. Can I do the same? I think I have to if I want to stay sane.

14th May 2024 – Four years later I can safely say that I have settled into a working style that is suitable for here but as Mohan infers, it would be very difficult to be a teacher anywhere else after this.

Paycheck to paycheck, living for what? Every night I get drunk to get sunk – 11th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The continuum of Problem-solving:

You solve the visible problem.

You solve the problem that caused the visible problem.

You avoid the problem.

When solving visible problems, it’s easy to signal value creation to others. If you work in a large organization with a regular paycheck, few people ask if the problems should exist in the first place. Instead, everyone thinks you’re indispensable because you’re so busy solving problems.

As you move toward avoiding problems before they happen, visibility decreases. Explaining what you do all day becomes harder and more subjective. Rewarding people for something that didn’t happen is very difficult. Thus, it becomes risky for the employee to avoid problems.

From Farnam Street’s Brain Food Newsletter

“If you work in a large organization with a regular paycheck, few people ask if the problems should exist in the first place.” Reading this took me right back to my old IT office job.

I really loved that job when I first started. It was overlooking Sydney Harbour Bridge and the Opera House. I worked my ass off to learn as quickly as I could. Years later I was rewarded with a technical administration position, which was better than it sounds.

It was a steep learning curve which involved a lot of testing, installations, maintenance, programming and 24 hour support. The product was a top of the range piece of software. It had just turned the year 2000 and money was flowing freely through the institutions that were supported. Work was interesting and fun.

Slowly, money started to dry up and upgrades were delayed. Often the users would demand it whilst their finance departments would not agree to pay for it. These battles went on consistently for about a decade. During that time all that I needed to do was to make sure the thing kept running. My typical work day could be over after 5 minutes of checking emails. So I made good use of the super fast internet, the office supplies and the printers.

Eventually they started replacing the product I was supporting with a cheaper alternative. Of course users complained because now their minor problems were turning into major problems. To save money, costed money. But it was more cost effective for my employer to pay penalties to the customer for fuckups than it was ensure the fuckups didn’t happen in the first place.

Eventually, after 13 years of arguing for better planning and products, sitting quietly doing my own things on company time, I was made redundant. It was an amazing relief to be honest, and it changed the course of my life. Much for the better, I like to think.

Now, wherever I am working, I can see the same redundant systems in place. The ‘work smarter, not harder’ mantra hasn’t managed to infiltrate everywhere as yet.

It won’t work,
Won’t work no more….

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for our beautiful house. It feels like a home.

I am so happy and grateful to make friends with these puppies, even though they ate my shoes.

To-do list

  • Reply to Kieran ½
  • Catch up with Stoa and Daily Stoic ✅
  • Search more about TOEFL for Bruce ✅
  • Write a blog entry ✅
  • Get more CD cases finished! All? ½

An easy two-lesson day that could have been easily disrupted when I was told I could no longer use the library so I had to think quickly about new lessons which wasn’t too stressful.

I was pretty quiet today, still a bit tired from the weekend. I even lost my wallet at one stage but that didn’t phase me and I figured where it may have fallen out of my pocket and sure enough they had found it in the cafe. That’s the first time I have ever lost my wallet or anything out of my pockets. That’s a pretty good record but hopefully not a sign of things to come.

Things I could have improved on would be to not join in when other teachers are complaining. I don’t do it too much but it’s easy to fall into it.

I feel like I got a lot done today but still like I have a lot to do. None of these things are essential but one I do have to start getting on top of is the WDS tour so I’ll get back on to that tomorrow. I also start teaching Bruce online again so that will be a bit of extra cash coming in too.

We got that attitude! – 10th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for all the friends I have made around the world so that I can go to places and meet them. I met Kyaw Kyaw and Zarni from Rebel Riot and Christopher Luppi, a long-time scene veteran in Thailand.

The more people you listen to, the more aspects of humanity you will recognise, and the better your instincts will be.

Kate Murphy, NYT

Hinoki Land

To-do list

  • Savour the drive back to Chiang Rai ½

I did savour moments of our drive back especially when we stopped at Hinoki Land, a beautiful Japanese site with great architecture and views.

One thing I noticed a lot though was how much Amy makes small complaints and negative comments. They didn’t alter my own mood but I notice this more and more when I compare it to how we were in Australia. It’s like she didn’t need to comment on each small petty grievance in Australia because she was generally happy and positive about life around her. My concern is that she is less happy now and that will have a longer-term effect on both of us.

I’m looking forward to sleeping tonight and whilst not looking forward to going back to school, I am positive about getting back into a routine again. When we talked about it on our drive I realised there are only about 4 more weeks of actual teaching left.