Forcing myself to notice the pictures and decorations on the walls in different places. Strangely, this was a tough one and it made me realise that I don’t go to many different places, especially during these difficult pandemic times. Of course, it may be that I did go to many places but didn’t notice the pictures on the wall!
Poems on this day
Field of Observation
Warm damp air clings to us
In the middle of our own field
Like quantum theory – look away
A million fireflies are revealed
Lightning flashes on the horizon
Boding well the breeze to come
Buzz on about your business
There’s space here for everyone
Illusions
The grey is not just in the sky
It’s in my head, my half-closed eyes
The passions of yesterday are gone
The words said cannot be undone
This sick mind exaggerating
All my deadly contemplating
A coward stuck in sheep’s clothing
Just wants an end to my self-loathing
To run away, just run and run
To put an end to what’s become
We slowly watched things going sour
Took the pain and gave it power
We mixed it up, caused confusion
Stuck inside this brief illusion
I still love you, I will always love you
How can I ever love myself?
Rocks and Oils
Artificial lines and boundaries
Sought to divide and rule
Keep the savages occupied
Then pour on extra fuel
Some arbitrary borders
Laid down after wars
Pay us to keep the peace
We’ll be back to settle scores
Killed a man a thousand years ago
For this, you’ll one day pay
And grab this dirty rock of yours
Put down a flag and say
‘Get out and stay out’
You’re not welcome here
Our fathers always taught us
You are not what you appear
This Is A Test
Some days I ask myself
Just what am I doing here?
On good days things make sense
But others are not so clear
Sensitive to your words
Your scathing drunken attack
I can’t always shrug it off
Unless you take them back
Regularly we cycle
Through this vicious routine
So here we go again
What does it all mean?
I just wanted to take it easy
Sit back and relax
But then I see you drinking
Preparing your attacks
Let’s sit down and fix it
Make things for the best
Many more years ahead of us
This is just a test
Plus Minus
If I keep writing down these negative thoughts
Am I throwing them out or reinforcing them?
Am I making things worse than they already are
Or should I be symbolically divorcing them?
Gratitude Journal
I’m so happy and grateful to be able to stand in our garden at night and watch all the fireflies buzzing around. To feel the warm air surround my skin and to stare at the moon and wonder if I could go there. It seems close enough to touch.
The best thing about today was thinking and writing my way out of a funk. Last night, I was a little cranky, and Amy was drinking again. I was in bed, and she came in to play, but I wasn’t really in the mood. Then she bit my face, and I pushed her off me. She felt insulted and complained that I don’t love her anymore and walked out. I was tired and annoyed, and although I was thinking about these words, I was so tired I fell asleep and didn’t even hear Amy come to bed.
I was woken up during the night, having a dream that Amy was getting too friendly with Ben, another of the teachers we know, and after that, it was difficult to get back to sleep.
I snoozed my alarm, and Amy didn’t bother to get up in the morning, but before I left, I told her that I was worried about her still. She said she was the one who should be worried. I get really upset when she’s drinking and says things like ‘you don’t love me anymore’ just because I’m annoyed with her behaviour at the time.
This morning, I couldn’t feel my way out of this darkness, but eventually, by the afternoon,n I was feeling OK. Not brilliant, but OK. However, Amy was in a short and bad mood when I got home due to an upset stomach and problems with something she was trying to bake.
I thought we could go for a drive tomorrow – it’s a holiday here again. Amy asked ‘Where?” but I just don’t care where – just get out of the house and see what is out there. We both know that there is nothing out there but it’s just a distraction from staying home again.
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