I don’t know whether to laugh or cry I don’t know, who, when, what or why Spent my days in endless frustration A victim of a worthless education
Now I’m at school on the other side All the things I learned being applied And frustrated kids look up with empty eyes I don’t know whether to laugh or cry
The people who get on in theis world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can’t find them, make them.
George Bernard Shaw
Today I’m grateful for: Being able to share my abundant fruits with other people. The papaya is delicious but I can’t eat six of them! The best thing about today was: A quick ride along back roads and tracks to Bruno’s reminded me of times riding my motorbike in Dorset as a teenager. The green overhanging fauna down dirty muddy tracks and lanes. The smell of fresh oxygen mixed with distant smoky garden fires. I was transported, if only for a moment.
I took this picture because I found these two ‘good boys’ far from their home on my morning walk and they followed me all the way back.
Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.
Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment
Today I’m grateful for: The cookie I ate at House with my lunchtime coffee. It wasn’t particularly tasty or big but somehow it staved off any afternoon hunger so I ended up only needing yoghurt for dinner. The best thing about today was: Being able to talk to different students on a more personal level about more serious topics such as behaviour and respect. Even with the difficulties we have in communicating I feel as if I have their confidence in some ways.
I took this picture because I’d never seen the light on the lower mountains like this before. The sun was only just over the horizon to the east.
A Russian writer in a Dublin bar Took a metaphor way too far The idiot brother spent the day Conjuring up their words at play Newspeak made them more afraid And on the farm, a price was paid Conch holders soon made no sound As Alexandria’s library burned to the ground A plague, a joke, the man outside Tall tales of prejudice and pride Repeated and replaced with robots, I Struggle with two suns in the sky
Isn’t it conceivable a person wants to be a decent human being because that way he feels better.
Isaac Asimov
I took this picture because these two kept me company for a little while this morning on my walk. They looked like they were trying to kill each other but all the while wagging their tails and jumping up to run off again.
I don’t want to go outside The rain spits knives at my blinking eyes Don’t want to be outside Angry ghosts stare at me in surprise I don’t want to see outside Evil awaits with sharpened knives Don’t take me to the outside Amongst the dead and zombied lives I don’t want to go outside The flashing neon against dull grey skies Don’t want to be outside To smell the carcass covered in flies I don’t want to see outside The monsters can’t get me in my bed Don’t take me to the outside Where the rats of paranoia invade my head
The day a child realises all adults are imperfect, he becomes and adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; and the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.
Alden Nowlan, Selected Poems
Today I’m grateful for: Pushing myself to walk to Utopia in the morning and recognising the extra energy that gave me throughout the day. I got a lot done. The best thing about today was: Reading more Gormenghast. I’m loving the language and imagery and being introduced to all these weird and quirky characters. I’m enjoying it more than the first book in the series so far. There were lots of other good things today too mostly because I was in a good mood because of my morning walk and the sun being out again.
I took this picture because this was the view of the sunrise on my first early morning walk. It was also nice to view the world around me from different perspectives.
We should not forget that the true purpose of education is to make minds, not careers.
Chris Hedges, Empire of Illusion
Today I’m grateful for:
My old friend Jenny from Sydney contacting me and saying she will try and come and visit in October. I really appreciate the fact that she might consider doing that.
The best thing about today was:
A lazy late afternoon nap as a dull dark day of threatening clouds forced my tired eyes to rest.
I took this picture because Tigger can be amazingly cute when he wants to be. This is just one of three pictures I took at the time and makes me smile.
It’s a very Japanese Day today Ohayo gozaimasu we learned to say Girls and boys dressed in cosplay Pretending their favourite anime
The greater part of the population is not very intelligent, dreads responsibility and desires nothing better than to be told what to do.
Aldous Huxley
Today I’m grateful for: Spending a lot of time running around chatting and playing with students for the Japanese Day event. The best thing about today was: All the students having fun talking about boys, girls, boyfriends and girlfriends. They made me laugh a lot with their hopes, passion, shyness and insecurities. I try to teach the girls to be strong and the boys to be respectful.
I took this picture because the orchids are so pretty and they stand out amongst the green. The damp misty air adds to the lusciousness!
Too many bananas, papayas and lychees I got passionfruits stacked up to my knees Chillies and pumpkin grown from spat-out seeds On every speck of dirt, even amongst the weeds
Mulberries hang over the neighbour’s fences I pick his mangoes to save on expenses The land of plenty, these abundant times We can’t even eat all the goddamn limes
…our age cries out for the redeemer personality, the one who can emancipate himself from the grip of the collective ‘psychosis’ and save at least his own soul.
Carl Jung, Development of Personality
Today I’m grateful for: Making it through the day without too much stress despite feeling tired and dizzy. The best thing about today was: Was briefly talking and joking with Nong Cake. She is still a smart kid. She was preparing Thai and Japanese flags for Japan day tomorrow and I made a joke that the Thai flag was for Italy and she immediately understood and said that the Japanese flag was for Indonesia.
I took this picture because this is what my students drew on the board before class started. Baipad and Jan claimed responsibility and which was a little surprising though I know Baipad loves drawing. The picture made me laugh and then I teased them that I would show the head teacher and they begged me not to.This is Trevor’s picture but of the same sunset that I was looking at last night. It was mesmerising.
Eating belly jeans, listening to a bad salad Considering the plaster man My prubarb rye was wise prinning As only my bunch luffet can
I was pit-nicking and nucking futs Going over to the sark died Sod rest her goal, it reamed so seal Now those birty dirds have flied
Humans have an infinite capacity for denying the truth.
Judge Death, 2000AD
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to know the egg lady in the market who sells me three boiled eggs for 20 baht. We’ve never spoken to each other as it is a straightforward transaction but I’m glad she’s there.
Today I started using an app called Day One, the free version of which lets you add a picture each day with the prompt of why you took it. The app also prompts for other things such as below:
Today I’m grateful for: Finding this app and to see if it is useful for me. I’ve been writing my gratitude journal on paper for 18 months or so and want to try a mobile app again.
I took this picture because this is my first day using this app and I have to start somewhere.
The Poems Of Reason
This one has taken a while, perhaps more than a year. Again, a poem for a bunch of quotes I highlighted whilst reading Sartre’s The Age of Reason.
Everything is so neat and tidy in your mind; it smells of clean linen; it’s as though you had just come out of a drying room.
The Drying Room
The static in the air Crackles your clean clothes Your body is straight Your mind is straight It’s the vision that you chose
When you look at yourself, you imagine you aren’t what you see
False Mirror
Reflecting Who is this? Who are you? Am I in this picture? I am the light of the scene A spotlight shines upon me Flowers are thrown, gifts given This mirror is not me My head is not the mirror So what is this picture I see?
…you’re the sort that upsets glasses and smashes mirrors. And women trust you. Well, they get what they deserve.
Smashed Up
You balanced your full temper With a charisma kept in reserve And those folks who trusted you End up with what they deserve
He had not seen him for six months….It was embarrassing, they had too much to say to each other, their fading friendship lay between them.
Some Things Don’t Last A Long Time
The red has faded The blue has paled This picture, a reminder Our friendship has failed Too much to say Too much time past It’s just a sign It wasn’t meant to last Forgotten the feeling Of the things we shared Six months on Like we never cared
Who am I to give advice? And what have I done with my life?
Void
The eternal question to ask Who am I? Why am I here? Have you asked this of yourself? Who are you? Why are you here? Advice offered through experience It’s honest but never true and clear What did we ever do with ourselves? Who are we? Why are we here?
…he always felt as though he were somewhere else, that he was not wholly born. He waited. And during all that time, gently, stealthily, the years had come, they had grasped him from behind…
Beers and Wine
What are you waiting for? You’ve been born for many years You’ve never been now Now holds too many fears Death is creeping up on you You’ve been worried every day Too late to let it loose Now your regret is here to stay
Youth is fantastic, so vivid on the surface, but no feeling inside it.
Empty Pocket
The stars of the youthful eyes Burning bright in darkened skies An energy burst, far and wide An empty pocket, nothing inside
You mustn’t mind me today, I’m not myself. I’m dependent on other people, which is so degrading.
Irrelevant
Don’t mind me and the things I say I’m just not really myself today I degrade myself by being dependent I need others to make me feel relevant
I want to live immediately, I haven’t begun, and I haven’t time to wait, I’m old already, I’m twenty-one.
Dying Days
How long can I wait, I’m already old I should be living now, or so I’m told I haven’t started and the race feels run My dying days at only twenty-one
He never worried about her, he said to himself; “If there was anything the matter with her, she would tell me.”
Together
Sure she would tell me if there was something wrong I never worry about her and where we both belong Sometimes side by side and other times far apart We are certain to be together deep within our heart
I forget the context of the quote but took it as a negative thought, in that he doesn’t think about the person much at all. But when it came to writing this little poem I’m channelling the positive feeling between my wife and me as she is far away. I do worry a little about her – but I don’t worry about us.
And yet he ought to know that I can’t talk about myself, that I don’t like myself enough for that.
Glean
When I dislike myself I remain quiet Contemplating all of my life’s meaning Yet you chatter away incessantly Without acknowledging that I’m dreaming And the words we both imparted Provided little for either of our gleaning
One could only damage oneself through the harm one did to others.
I Hurt Myself
The thoughts I have about you The ones I justify I redirect them inward To test and qualify I learned that if I hurt you It’s myself that feels the damage Better to change my thinking And these emotions I must manage
She was beautiful beyond all doubt, but her beauty was of the kind that vanishes under observation.
Focus
Such a vision from afar As if captured in a soft-focus lens This beauty breaks under inspection On distance it depends
I am the more convinced that one oughtn’t to be a man of principles. You are stiff with them, you even invent them, but you don’t stick to them.
Break Or Bend
Does the principle a man make? Or convinced they are better to break? Stiff with sticking to a particular way Or flexibly bending from day to day
A man must have the courage to act like everybody else, in order not to be like anybody.
A Different Same
It’s bravery to jump in the river From the same bridge others jumped There’s a message to deliver So remains the water pumped All within is what remains There’s a choice to resistance The difference will be what explains Our places in existence
Your age of reason is the age of resignation, and I’ve no use for it.
Useless
When you found reason It seemed all but useless to me A resignation About how one chooses to be
…you looked much more like a fellow who had just realised that he had been living on ideas that don’t pay.
Next Invention
Each great idea come and gone Moved half a world away Master of the next invention Living on ideas that never pay
No one ever talks to me about myself, and there are times when I can’t seem to get hold of what I am.
Doctor Griffin
Talk to me, don’t talk to me Your words so closely guarded Who am I? I’m not too sure Always disregarded An invisible man Unsure what I am
…inject a meaning into life, choose to be a man, to act and to believe. That would be salvation.
Salvation
I saved myself in the end Making choices, acting and believing Found the time in which to spend Thoughts to surround with meaning
My freedom? It’s a burden to me; for years past I have been free and to no purpose. I simply long to exchange it for good sound certainty.
No Complaint
I don’t want freedom Its burden brings constraint Because I have no purpose Not even any complaint Give me words to live by A map and a guide Days that are certain No thinking need be applied
Well, he ought to marry Marcelle. After that he can rest upon his laurels, he is still young, he will have a whole life in which to congratulate himself on a good deed.
Sat Back
That one deed that made a god To revel in the glory until the end Resting on laurels laid in youth And for the future did depend
“I must transform myself to the very bones.” But nothing could help him to do that: all his thoughts were tainted from their origin….he saw himself exposed and as he was: thoughts, thoughts about thoughts, thoughts about thoughts of thoughts, he was transparent and corrupt beyond any finite vision.
Very Bones
In ever-decreasing circles of thought And all the thinking amounts to naught Becoming a ghost, accepting of fate Transformed to a flesh-corrupted state
…there were people who did not exist at all, mere puffs of smoke, and others who existed rather too much.
Living A Quote
Live the quote ‘to be or not’ You were blown away on the breeze Left nothing to be remembered for A life disappeared with ease Living the quote ‘to be or not’ You are an immovable stone Standing in the way of everyone Until left standing alone
“I don’t know how to suffer, I never suffer enough.” The most painful thing about suffering was that it was a phantom, one spent one’s time pursuing it, one always hoped to catch and plunge into it and suffer squarely with clenched teeth; but in that instant it escaped, leaving nothing behind but a scattering of words and countless demented, pullulating arguments. “There’s a chattering in my head, and the chattering won’t stop. Oh, how I wish I could be silent!”
Suffer Enough
I only suffer myself Is it enough for meaning? Sunken into comforts Words of smoke, no feeling A talking never stops All arguments demented Suffering in silence Enough to be resented
…they must be assumed to understand each other’s allusions or the charm would be broken. (game playing. not like that – straight to a fault)
Game Playing
When the rules are clearly understood Is it still a game we’re playing? Have we taken this beyond understanding With the truths we’ve been saying?
Various tried and proved rules of conduct had already discreetly offered him their services: disillusioned epicureanism, smiling tolerance, resignation, flat seriousness, stoicism – all the aids whereby a man may savour, minute by minute, like a connoisseur, the failure of a life.
All The Rules
Borrowed from the wise across the ages From the philosophies of time’s well worn pages Each one with rules increasingly rife All pointing towards our failure of a life
We’re losing time at every turn Flowers fading, friendships burn Ten years gone away decayed Misremembered memories made These stretched-out days are gone No more excitements come along Familiarity, habits and tradition Time warped by their repetition
Knowledge is a dialogue and your idea and mine can refine each other towards the truth.
from Existential Comics
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for our big washing machine that can easily clean our doonas.
A bad girl is what you want to be And it seems it’s gonna be that way to me That’s ok but I must warn you to be smart Being a good bad girl is a difficult art
Endless pleasure becomes its own form of punishment.
Stoic thought
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the abundance of things growing in my garden. I’m no gardener and things don’t need much care here.
1994ever 