“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
I think I got sick again and a couple of classes really got me down.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my coat, which is keeping me warm. For my books, which fill my mind with wonder. And for my wife and cats who fill me with laughter.
When you feel overwhelmed or unfocused, what do you do? What questions do you ask?
The last time I felt overwhelmed was at CRPAO. My mind could only concentrate on the injustices I felt at the way I was treated. Obviously, the questions I asked myself were not productive.
The first question I need to ask is ‘is this situation in or out of my control?’ If the situation is not in my control then all I can control is my response. This is a difficult skill that I am currently trying to cultivate. It is easy to think about but difficult to execute.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for another school holiday today. Yesterday was tough and left me in a negative state of mind and this morning I woke up not feeling well. It’s a blessing to be able to spend another day just sitting and reading!
Something is bugging me today but I don’t know what. Maybe I haven’t eaten enough or slept enough. I recognise a dispirited feeling. Unsure, insecure.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my jacket this week. It’s so cold for me at the moment and this jacket, which I never expected to be wearing, is keeping me lovely and warm.
What new belief, behaviour or habit has most improved your life?
Undoubtedly the behavioural change that has most improved my life is to have stopped drinking so much. The hangovers now are becoming too much of a burden, particularly as I’m working so much and just want to get things done in general.
I’m not going to be a non-drinker but when I do have a drink I will try to be more moderate or be prepared to have a less-than-useful day afterwards.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be surrounded by the green jungle hills. Last night Amy came into my room and as we hugged I could smell the fresh air on her skin. I love living outside the city.
It’s taken me more than a year and a half to recover!
When I returned from the CELTA training course I found my brain had changed. I seem to flip between data driven thinking and artistic thinking and often cannot find a good balance. The training was very linear and intensive (as it should be) and on reflection now, some 18 months later, was easier to complete than I imagined beforehand and during. The pressure to achieve was very high but that pressure mostly came from within. Now, I realise that I can turn my hand to anything if I wish to.
Of course, the circumstances since the training have mostly helped me arrive at this conclusion. First I started doing some free teaching with students from the local university. This gave me a little self confidence though I was often shocked at the students poor language levels, in the language they are studying for their degrees, whatever the subject. I can suggest to myself that I could probably easily complete a degree at the university here purely based on the fact I can use the language fully. Anyway, that’s by the by for now as I’m not really considering that as an option at the moment.
After a few months kicking around and enjoying much free time I ended up working with Grade 5 students at a nearby provincial school. I have a million stories from there, many which I would like to forget. I soon discovered the crazy dysfunction in the education system here. If it’s obvious to me, an unqualified teacher starting their first job then the system must be pretty poor.
I don’t intend to tarnish the education system as a whole as that would be unfair. The circumstances I was in influenced a lot of my impressions and I try to understand that what I saw was not indicative of other places. It was, however, the belief of many others teaching here that things are not much better elsewhere in the country. There are a million reasons for this and books could be filled trying to explain. The main down side for me was that I felt that I was unable to do a good job and provide useful learning for the students a lot of the time. I hate doing a bad job – especially when eventually someone else is going to suffer for it. So that was the other down side – watching willing students deal with the inadequacies of the system which lead to inconsistency in almost everything. Frustrating beyond belief.
Beyond that though I have found myself with a passion and love for the students that has made me incredibly happy. It’s a job that I really love to invest my time in and to go to work to do it. I’ll talk more about this in future.
Just a short one this time as I push myself to get back into this.
“Every heartbeat, every movement, every moment, every sigh.”
Gratitude Journal
I am so grateful and happy to go to school on Friday, which was hard as I had been sick this week and had a bad experience on Monday. The kids also drove me crazy and made me quite angry but I survived and talked to Kru Noon about strategies to get them to listen more. I will take her advice and try this next week!
The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #15
Music from Hamster Theatre, Super Thief, Infidel-Castro!, Arm, Kultur Shock, Captain Beefheart, Fugazi, Bogshed, Brainiac, Neon Rose, By The End of Tonight, Rafter, Huggy Bear, Jimmy Two Hands, Zu/Mats Gustafsson, Secret Hate and The Ex.
What is an unusual habit or absurd thing you love?
I’m not sure that I have an unusual habit – if it’s a habit it would be pretty normal.
Absurd things I love though – that would have to be the music I enjoy. I really enjoy music that is difficult to listen to. Cerebral I guess most would call it. Sometimes it’s not even something I enjoy listening to – well, the music – I enjoy the process – the emotional response – even if it is negative.
Amy would be able to list so many things for me here – she really doesn’t enjoy most of the movies I like either.
Despite years of trying to shut my brain off, it looks like I actually enjoy thinking.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to wake up a little earlier than normal today and walk around my garden as the sun was not yet risen over the mountains. It was cold but peaceful. Kim joined me, running with her little legs as fast as she could.
Best or most worthwhile investment made?
From a material point of view my best investments would be my MacBook Pro and iMac – both were premium but well worth it.
But from a practical point of view, my most worthwhile investment is in Amy and our relationship.
We have been together for over ten years and have done so many things but it doesn’t seem like it. We are obviously very familiar with each other now and life is comfortable but it never feels mundane and boring. I have been prepared to happily make sacrifices for our relationship and that has not needed to be often because we have such a good understanding of each other.
How has a failure set you up for future success?
When I was studying to learn to teach I was doing well in the first week but failed the initial assignment, eventually being given a pass. Then I failed the second assignment, eventually passing. Same with the 3rd and 4th. Initially discouraging I persisted until passing.
Those failures taught me about trying my best, not giving up. Now, when I have a bad day teaching I can consider all the factors and try my hardest to make improvements.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to Amy again as she has soldiered on and cooked for me when I’m feeling under the weather but she is also not well. Today suddenly I have an urge to visit England again.
21st Apr 2021 – Just pre-Covid, this bug knocked me down for about 10 to 14 days and was by far the worst I’ve felt with the flu in the last few years. It’s unlikely that it was Covid and I think I eventually got rid of it and passed it on to others. I seem to remember a lot of people getting sick around this time.
What purchase of less than $100 has most positively impacted you in the last six months?
Well, it took me a while to realise such an obvious answer but it would be these journal books I write in and the pens to write with.
Starting this process after a traumatic experience has had such a positive effect on me and I hope that I can maintain this if and when more bad experiences come along. When I think about writing I realise I was doing this all the time when I was younger – working out my thoughts and feelings into lyrics and poems and sometimes diaries.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to my 3 wives for all the different experiences they opened me up to. This journey was made with their help and that’s how I got here now.
After a great start to the weekend, things got a little more sober after Amy fell and hurt her face and hands. We were very quiet and recovering on Sunday.
Looking forward to coming back to school on Monday was brought to a sudden halt by discussions with the school and my agent about withholding two days of my pay for not attending the weekend seminar. I feel particularly aggrieved at this as it was not made clear to me that this would happen and it is not fair to withhold money for not attending an unpaid weekend of work. My agent blames the school and the school blames the agent. This is a very typical scenario here in Thailand and exactly the situation Amy warned me about.
But what to do now? Should I just accept the situation, stand up for myself further, walk away to something else (which may just end up with similar problems) or walk away from everything?
My learning shows that I should remain professional and unaffected emotionally by these types of situations but I still struggle with these things.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have read some positive things today otherwise I might have felt completely terrible due to a situation that happened at school. I’ll catch up with George briefly as he often knows the right thing to say.
14th July 2022 – Looking for a photo to use for this post I found what seems to indicate that I went to the local hospital on the next day and got myself a medical certificate giving me a day off, as a fuck you to the school for not paying me!
1994ever 