Far into the future food will be hard to find But will have evolved with an ever-greater mind Time travel will be normal but only to the past Once the first one comes, it’s sure not to be the last
Back all those million years, so much free-roaming meat Bring it back to the future for everyone to eat But our future selves became so filled with greed Making the same mistakes, taking more than they need
So supplies were running out, there was only so much flesh Standards demanding that everything must be fresh Man still not smart enough to know it’s all interlinked And so that’s how the story goes, the dinosaurs became extinct
Still tired and a little slow. The weekends with no stress or early morning commitments means a big wind down. So, it’s been a little bit of a quiet day.
Today I’m grateful for:
The workers working on the road. As the rains have gotten heavier the way out from our house to the road has completely muddied up (even a big truck got stuck out there this morning). Amy asked them to fix it for us and they did. I haven’t seen it yet but will find out in the morning.
The best thing about today was:
Playing guitar and feeling like enjoying it again. It’s been a struggle for the last few weeks but today felt good and spent nearly an hour playing traditional songs in Yousician and then another 30 minutes smashing out punk tunes in Capo. I’m still terrible but today it doesn’t bother me.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy is a little short with me because I took her cookies to Utopia and to Baipad this morning and I think she’s thinking that I care too much about other people and/or that I don’t like her cookies and so giving them away.
I’m trying just to be normal and carry on and Amy is also busy with her student’s assignments.
I love Amy more than anything but also need to think of ways to keep showing her that.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I wasn’t going to do much of anything today but after I got home from coffee I was surprised to get a message from Baipad asking if I could take her and her sister to Big C as they wanted to go see a movie.
I asked her if her mum was ok with it and if she was then I could take her. She said her mum was ok (but I’m not certain that she was!) and so I went to pick them up. It was there that they told me that their mum was in Bangkok!
Well, I put my trust in Baipad and dropped them off and hoped for the best.
Later in the afternoon, she said that they got back home (by Grab I guess) and everything was fine.
I got sent this picture because it seems Little Art and Noey enjoyed Amy’s cookies.
We are the fantastic freaks Gathering at the capital of forever At the dawn of a new age A human be-in together
We’re on a great freak forward No longer just smart monkeys We’ll purify the planet Of the garbage people junkies
Pandora’s box now opened Enlightenment impending Mindful of the messages These altered states are sending
Inspired by the comic story Storming Heaven in 2000AD Prog 2002 – artwork by Frazer Irving.
Today I’m feeling:
Surprisingly awake even getting up before my alarm.
(Later) Today has just disappeared. It’s 6pm and I haven’t really done much. I miss my routine of work days.
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy’s parents wishing us well for the Thai New Year.
The best thing about today was:
Cutting down all that unread email and not feeling stressed about my lesson planning.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
We tried to drive down through SanKong after lunch but the last of the long weekend water revellers jammed up traffic and after being stuck for about 15 minutes I decided to drive back out the way that we came in.
Something I learned today?
A series of studies in cognitive neuroscience found that our brains are ‘programmed’ to learn more from people we like — and less from those we dislike.
This makes sense but we must also be open to the lessons of those that we don’t like – especially if they treat us badly.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I downloaded some CBT for kids books in the hope that I can find some useful strategies, in particular, for Baipad but for any students (and myself). Could maybe even turn them into lessons.
When judgement comes, what may you say In your defence? For every tiny part you play Comes at some expense With violence spent, you walked away All of it forgotten Whilst those you hurt were forced to stay Sour and turning rotten
When judgement comes, it will be Seen from your heart For better or worse, you set me free You played your part A part in miniature, a part of me Reborn stronger My part in this is plain to see And I will stay longer
Uncertain. I just looked in the mirror and felt old and worthless. Perhaps it’s because I’m not around the energy of the kids at the moment.
Last night Amy also cried that Thailand isn’t her place anymore and that she feels more at home in Australia. There’s a lot behind that but there is also a factor that I haven’t written about here because it’s a sensitive topic and the situation is ongoing. Needless to say, I understand her feeling, whilst not sharing it.
She also asked me if I would ever go back to England to live and I said no, which made me consider her position.
I seem to have really found myself here and just have no real idea what I would do with myself back in Australia.
Anyway, this is not a new feeling or thought and is not able to be actioned upon just yet due to having our cats and our home here, which we would need to sell. Sometime in the future though, it looks a given that we will be back in Australia.
Today I’m grateful for:
My student, Nong Aoi, who called me this evening as she was happily cooking and eating with her boyfriend and friends. Despite giving me big headaches last year enough to make me worry that she was going off the rails, she has calmed down a little now and is quite sweet and affectionate. I think it’s nice that my students feel comfortable enough to call me. I’m doubtful that they call other any other teachers.
Yesterday I also messaged a little with Nong Nam, who was Aoi’s accomplice in giving me grief last year. She has also matured a little more now and said that she really appreciates that I contact her every six months or so to check in on her. Sometimes it’s the small actions that make all the difference.
The best thing about today was:
Quietly reading 2000AD and Judge Dread Megazine stories after getting home mid-afternoon. It was excellent and I was savouring the time spent.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I got a glimpse of my new classes from Kru Mai today and whilst he has taken heed of my reluctance to be involved with the Integrated classes for next semester he has spread me out into other high school classes which means figuring out new lessons to teach.
I would also not teach any grade 7 classes, for which I already have a hundred lessons accumulated over the last three years. Oh well, new challenges lay ahead.
Cappuccino is still not looking too good at the moment and doesn’t seem to be able to settle himself into a comfortable position, like there’s something not right in his hips or belly. Poking around doesn’t seem to cause him any discomfort but something is obviously not right.
Amy and I are both wary as it was at this time last year that Kim got sick and went to the vet a couple of times until that fateful day she didn’t come back alive.
Something I learned today?
In medieval Europe, mercury was used in medicine and manufacturing. Hatters were specifically exposed to mercuric nitrate, a form of inorganic mercury.
By 1837, “mad as a hatter” was a common saying.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I sent messages out to a few more students today to check in on how they are doing. I discovered that Anchan is having a tough time of things these days.
She has been living with her uncle as the rest of her family have been put in prison for an illegal online gambling website! She says her uncle is never around so she has to take care of the house and as she is not getting any money from her mum now she has to help her grandmum with selling things and gets barely enough to buy herself food.
And all that is taking away from her school work where, amazingly, she is still motivated to push herself and enrolling herself in extracurricular activities. She’s only 14 years old.
She asked for some help with information about exchange programs to Australia and I talked a little with Kru Champ about that as it is something he is working on in the future.
It’s frustrating to see smart, motivated kids trapped in situations like this. I hope she doesn’t give up and lose herself as so many teenagers can do.
I took this picture because Cap is not quite feeling well at the moment, unfortunately.
Fairly good after an extra hour of snoozing then good coffee so that when Amy suggested going out for lunch that sounded pretty good to me. The air is already unhealthy due to burning but it’s not overwhelming yet. It will be soon unless a fire ban is implemented and followed up.
27th Feb 2024 – A fireban was implemented from 15th February until 14th April and so far the air is better than last year.
Today I’m grateful for:
Soulseek, it being the only place I could manage to find Prog 2000 of 2000AD which was a special edition at the time due to the end of the millennium. It has some parts of the stories that I’m reading in the regular edition but is difficult to track down online as it isn’t actually the 2000th issue and was just called Prog 2000. To complicate it more, there is a 2000th edition of the comic which came out around 2016 I think. I think the series is up to about 2500 issues now. I love reading it. I’m not even half way through. I reckon it might take me another ten years to get up to date with it!
The best thing about today was:
Lunch. We went up into an Ahka village nearby to try their food and just get out of the house. Perched on the side of a hill overlooking our valley was a wide panorama of hills, jungle and rice fields. We could see several plumes of smoke slowly filling the valley but thankfully it was on the far side. Above us the sky was still a bright blue. I felt relaxed and enjoyed stacking up on some calories. I resisted the urge to nap when we got home, instead settling into the hammock to finish reading the Clive James biography. Wuthering Heights is next in the pile.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I usually sit and read with my weekend coffees at Utopia but today Amy decided to come with me as she hadn’t seen Art since she got back. Knowing that my I wouldn’t have chance to read I could have been disappointed but instead decided to just enjoy the change in routine.
Something I learned today?
The average age of Palestinians murdered by Israel in the last two months is five years old. Zionism is sick.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Last night I dealt with the tokay in the kitchen (see photos), cleaning up its blood and still wriggling tail.
I cleaned out the water tank and also brought a mop and bucket of water to Amy when she requested it to clean the floor in the teaching room.
I drove us up to the Ahka cafe for lunch, and back again but my lack of funds meant that I couldn’t pay for the meal.
What do I like about this time of year?
Now is high season for North Thailand as the temperature during the day becomes bearable and the nighttime cold. But there is just a short period to enjoy this as the farmers fill the air with smoke from burning their rice fields. Now, at least, their is some breeze to stir it around to reveal blue skies but soon, once the hills come alive with fire, the air remains still and stagnant leaving it putrid brown and acrid. This should be the best time to enjoy being outside but sadly, gets reduced to being the worst.
Amy took these pictures. Last night Tigger brought this special gift and Amy was freaking out. I didn’t have my glasses on and thought I was looking at a freaky enormous dinosaur-style lizard, only seeing the tokay later. Tigger was quite proud but Amy wanted it out. After a bit of chasing around the kitchen I managed to grab it with some tongs and it hissed and spat its disapproval at me as I threw if over the fence. Then this afternoon instead of Amy brushing this little lizard off my back thought it better to take a picture.
No more beers at half-time Or a quick drag on a fag Now it’s all about advertising The game has become a drag
No more fat moustaches Or divots on the pitch Now it’s all about the money And seeing who can get rich?
Today I’m feeling:
Tired and dizzy. All the medicine has fought off the pain and cold but now I feel like a chemical cesspool. I just want to sleep until tomorrow and stop taking medicine so that I’ll be recovered by Monday.
Today I’m grateful for:
Being able to fall back on online games like Kahoot to fill my student’s class time so that I could come home and rest more.
The best thing about today was:
Reading lots of comics in bed as I dipped in and out of sleep this afternoon. I’m catching up on old 2000AD annuals and specials so that I’m in the same time frame as the weeklies where I’m approaching issue 1000. Not even halfway through! Maybe I will finish reading in another ten years.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The one class I did have this morning was poorly attended and the students were in a lively mood, to say the least. I set a writing task about what they did this week and just went around helping them find the right words and grammar. It was interesting to have so few kids in the class for a change and it changed the dynamic a lot but still, a group of 12 and 13-year-olds together are going to be a handful.
Something I learned today?
I watched YouTube videos of Yan (Little Chinese Everywhere) in Turkey and Stamp Fairtex (Thai MMA fighter) in the US and there are so many interesting places in the world that I would like to see. But why does it feel like the world is fragmented and angry?
How can I rest or relax more often this year?
If I rest or relax anymore this year I’ll stop moving. I think I’d like to rest less and be more active.
I took this picture because it’s almost impossible to not take a picture when faced with this scene as I step out in the morning.
Feeling a little sorry for myself today. On the tail end of a cold and prescribed a stack of meds for my rib injury, I can’t tell if I’m well or not. I pushed myself to school this morning where the kids that did turn up weren’t in much of a mood to study so I just assigned a little writing and helped them with that and they were happy enough to comply so that they could quickly get back to having their own fun. By the end though I was deflated and decided to go home and assign some work for my last classes that they can submit online. I’ll be glad to get back to fighting fit and regular school weeks again. I think there’s only six weeks left now and everyone will be in wind-down mode.
A coin to gain entry A seat for the sunset, sir? Do not trust the dawn For it may never occur Take your pick of the tables Or perhaps up there in the tree? The smartest trick the Devil Sold to you that which is free
inspired by a passage from Titus Alone by Mervyn Peake
We say that at home, we can ‘be ourselves.’ Everywhere else, we are someone else.
Matthew Desmond
Today I’m feeling: Relaxed Today I’m grateful for: Amy finding a new place to move to already, just 2 days after finding out she would have to move. One of her housemates was crying that Amy will leave so soon. That is the effect Amy has on people. I’m so lucky she is part of my life. The best thing about today was: Reading comics and finding more to read. I’m trying to catch up on 2000AD and Judge Dredd and after about 5 years (maybe more) I’m still only up to 1995! Can this be considered a long-term goal? Sometimes, when I’m high I consider how trivial, inconsequential and boring the things I’m interested in are! Then I think that I’m not alone. Almost everyone’s interests these days are insubstantial and niche. It makes it hard to get enthusiastic apart promoting music through tenzenmen sometimes. Sometimes it feels like me and three other people really dig something and I don’t have the energy to try and break through to others who have their own particular niche interests. If you had a freeway billboard, what would it say? I would take it down. What a blight! I would sell it for advertising. What is one more ad in the scheme of things? I would have it display a new positive quote every day. I would paint it the same colour as what is behind it.
I took this picture because I went on a little bike ride past Hacienda where there used to be a rubbish-burning collection point. It’s gone now and the land is slowly being dug out to fill in reclaimed rice fields for new buildings. This clump of bamboo sits atop a last piece of the old land and will soon be gone too. I found a track opposite that wasn’t marked on the map but when I switched to satellite view was clearly a proper dirt road at one point though now it was covered with grass again. I ponder about contacting Google to send me a camera so they can update their maps but the only person who benefits from this would be me. All the locals already know these tracks and paths and it’s only stupid me that goes off exploring and getting fucked up by google maps leading me into rivers or walls.
When Frank died his soul flew up high And ended up in a powerful war machine He screamed ‘ANNIHILATE’ but didn’t know why But then it turned out it was all just a dream
Inspired by Armoured Gideon, 2000AD
It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it; but the young know they are wretched for they are all full of the truthless ideal which has been instilled into them, and each time they come into contact with the real, they are bruised and wounded.
W. Somerset Maugham
Today I’m feeling: Happy and satisfied. Today I’m grateful for: The front wheel of my motorbike. It took some hard knocks on some tough roads today and I was worried I would have to limp down the mountain with a flat tyre but it held up and got me home. The best thing about today was: Riding around new mountains and discovering some beautiful villages and amazing scenery. It was blissful.
What daily habit do you do that improves your quality of life? For 24 years now I’ve been taking sertraline and that has made an incredible difference to my life, keeping me stable and less prone to depression. I still have bad moments but in general, I am much happier than a was in my first 30 years. Brushing my teeth. Sad to say that I didn’t look after my teeth well for my first 20 years or so. They are just hanging on since starting to care about them more. Making my bed. A small habit I only acted on since moving to Thailand. I actually don’t care if my bed is made or not but I do it so as to include it in a series of morning habits and to feel, no matter how minor, to have achieved something already, right at the beginning of the day. Exercise….if I do it every day it will definitely improve my quality of life. Now I just have to do it every day!
I took this picture because Bruno and I met these kids after a long muddy ride and they were so happy and inquisitive to see two muddy white men in their mountain school at the end of the road.
Eating belly jeans, listening to a bad salad Considering the plaster man My prubarb rye was wise prinning As only my bunch luffet can
I was pit-nicking and nucking futs Going over to the sark died Sod rest her goal, it reamed so seal Now those birty dirds have flied
Humans have an infinite capacity for denying the truth.
Judge Death, 2000AD
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to know the egg lady in the market who sells me three boiled eggs for 20 baht. We’ve never spoken to each other as it is a straightforward transaction but I’m glad she’s there.
Today I started using an app called Day One, the free version of which lets you add a picture each day with the prompt of why you took it. The app also prompts for other things such as below:
Today I’m grateful for: Finding this app and to see if it is useful for me. I’ve been writing my gratitude journal on paper for 18 months or so and want to try a mobile app again.
I took this picture because this is my first day using this app and I have to start somewhere.
The Poems Of Reason
This one has taken a while, perhaps more than a year. Again, a poem for a bunch of quotes I highlighted whilst reading Sartre’s The Age of Reason.
Everything is so neat and tidy in your mind; it smells of clean linen; it’s as though you had just come out of a drying room.
The Drying Room
The static in the air Crackles your clean clothes Your body is straight Your mind is straight It’s the vision that you chose
When you look at yourself, you imagine you aren’t what you see
False Mirror
Reflecting Who is this? Who are you? Am I in this picture? I am the light of the scene A spotlight shines upon me Flowers are thrown, gifts given This mirror is not me My head is not the mirror So what is this picture I see?
…you’re the sort that upsets glasses and smashes mirrors. And women trust you. Well, they get what they deserve.
Smashed Up
You balanced your full temper With a charisma kept in reserve And those folks who trusted you End up with what they deserve
He had not seen him for six months….It was embarrassing, they had too much to say to each other, their fading friendship lay between them.
Some Things Don’t Last A Long Time
The red has faded The blue has paled This picture, a reminder Our friendship has failed Too much to say Too much time past It’s just a sign It wasn’t meant to last Forgotten the feeling Of the things we shared Six months on Like we never cared
Who am I to give advice? And what have I done with my life?
Void
The eternal question to ask Who am I? Why am I here? Have you asked this of yourself? Who are you? Why are you here? Advice offered through experience It’s honest but never true and clear What did we ever do with ourselves? Who are we? Why are we here?
…he always felt as though he were somewhere else, that he was not wholly born. He waited. And during all that time, gently, stealthily, the years had come, they had grasped him from behind…
Beers and Wine
What are you waiting for? You’ve been born for many years You’ve never been now Now holds too many fears Death is creeping up on you You’ve been worried every day Too late to let it loose Now your regret is here to stay
Youth is fantastic, so vivid on the surface, but no feeling inside it.
Empty Pocket
The stars of the youthful eyes Burning bright in darkened skies An energy burst, far and wide An empty pocket, nothing inside
You mustn’t mind me today, I’m not myself. I’m dependent on other people, which is so degrading.
Irrelevant
Don’t mind me and the things I say I’m just not really myself today I degrade myself by being dependent I need others to make me feel relevant
I want to live immediately, I haven’t begun, and I haven’t time to wait, I’m old already, I’m twenty-one.
Dying Days
How long can I wait, I’m already old I should be living now, or so I’m told I haven’t started and the race feels run My dying days at only twenty-one
He never worried about her, he said to himself; “If there was anything the matter with her, she would tell me.”
Together
Sure she would tell me if there was something wrong I never worry about her and where we both belong Sometimes side by side and other times far apart We are certain to be together deep within our heart
I forget the context of the quote but took it as a negative thought, in that he doesn’t think about the person much at all. But when it came to writing this little poem I’m channelling the positive feeling between my wife and me as she is far away. I do worry a little about her – but I don’t worry about us.
And yet he ought to know that I can’t talk about myself, that I don’t like myself enough for that.
Glean
When I dislike myself I remain quiet Contemplating all of my life’s meaning Yet you chatter away incessantly Without acknowledging that I’m dreaming And the words we both imparted Provided little for either of our gleaning
One could only damage oneself through the harm one did to others.
I Hurt Myself
The thoughts I have about you The ones I justify I redirect them inward To test and qualify I learned that if I hurt you It’s myself that feels the damage Better to change my thinking And these emotions I must manage
She was beautiful beyond all doubt, but her beauty was of the kind that vanishes under observation.
Focus
Such a vision from afar As if captured in a soft-focus lens This beauty breaks under inspection On distance it depends
I am the more convinced that one oughtn’t to be a man of principles. You are stiff with them, you even invent them, but you don’t stick to them.
Break Or Bend
Does the principle a man make? Or convinced they are better to break? Stiff with sticking to a particular way Or flexibly bending from day to day
A man must have the courage to act like everybody else, in order not to be like anybody.
A Different Same
It’s bravery to jump in the river From the same bridge others jumped There’s a message to deliver So remains the water pumped All within is what remains There’s a choice to resistance The difference will be what explains Our places in existence
Your age of reason is the age of resignation, and I’ve no use for it.
Useless
When you found reason It seemed all but useless to me A resignation About how one chooses to be
…you looked much more like a fellow who had just realised that he had been living on ideas that don’t pay.
Next Invention
Each great idea come and gone Moved half a world away Master of the next invention Living on ideas that never pay
No one ever talks to me about myself, and there are times when I can’t seem to get hold of what I am.
Doctor Griffin
Talk to me, don’t talk to me Your words so closely guarded Who am I? I’m not too sure Always disregarded An invisible man Unsure what I am
…inject a meaning into life, choose to be a man, to act and to believe. That would be salvation.
Salvation
I saved myself in the end Making choices, acting and believing Found the time in which to spend Thoughts to surround with meaning
My freedom? It’s a burden to me; for years past I have been free and to no purpose. I simply long to exchange it for good sound certainty.
No Complaint
I don’t want freedom Its burden brings constraint Because I have no purpose Not even any complaint Give me words to live by A map and a guide Days that are certain No thinking need be applied
Well, he ought to marry Marcelle. After that he can rest upon his laurels, he is still young, he will have a whole life in which to congratulate himself on a good deed.
Sat Back
That one deed that made a god To revel in the glory until the end Resting on laurels laid in youth And for the future did depend
“I must transform myself to the very bones.” But nothing could help him to do that: all his thoughts were tainted from their origin….he saw himself exposed and as he was: thoughts, thoughts about thoughts, thoughts about thoughts of thoughts, he was transparent and corrupt beyond any finite vision.
Very Bones
In ever-decreasing circles of thought And all the thinking amounts to naught Becoming a ghost, accepting of fate Transformed to a flesh-corrupted state
…there were people who did not exist at all, mere puffs of smoke, and others who existed rather too much.
Living A Quote
Live the quote ‘to be or not’ You were blown away on the breeze Left nothing to be remembered for A life disappeared with ease Living the quote ‘to be or not’ You are an immovable stone Standing in the way of everyone Until left standing alone
“I don’t know how to suffer, I never suffer enough.” The most painful thing about suffering was that it was a phantom, one spent one’s time pursuing it, one always hoped to catch and plunge into it and suffer squarely with clenched teeth; but in that instant it escaped, leaving nothing behind but a scattering of words and countless demented, pullulating arguments. “There’s a chattering in my head, and the chattering won’t stop. Oh, how I wish I could be silent!”
Suffer Enough
I only suffer myself Is it enough for meaning? Sunken into comforts Words of smoke, no feeling A talking never stops All arguments demented Suffering in silence Enough to be resented
…they must be assumed to understand each other’s allusions or the charm would be broken. (game playing. not like that – straight to a fault)
Game Playing
When the rules are clearly understood Is it still a game we’re playing? Have we taken this beyond understanding With the truths we’ve been saying?
Various tried and proved rules of conduct had already discreetly offered him their services: disillusioned epicureanism, smiling tolerance, resignation, flat seriousness, stoicism – all the aids whereby a man may savour, minute by minute, like a connoisseur, the failure of a life.
All The Rules
Borrowed from the wise across the ages From the philosophies of time’s well worn pages Each one with rules increasingly rife All pointing towards our failure of a life
Outstanding achievement award All goals met and all points scored But being the best Separates the rest The nail gets hammered as reward Punished for not playing along Subscribe to strive to belong It’s a constant battle Fighting the cattle A nail stuck is seen as wrong Maintain a smile and never frown No pinks and yellows, only brown If you use your mind You soon will find A nail stood out gets hammered down
The laughter of fools cannot wound the wise.
Judge Death, 2000AD
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to feel pretty good on little sleep this morning. Last night I stayed up until past midnight, reading articles and comics. It felt good.
Within this oppressive system The dividing line, it grows The wealthy control the time Whilst we’re living in the shadows
Try to climb this shit ladder But the dividing line always grows A blind eye turned towards Those living in the shadows
How did it get to be That the dividing line, it grows? And the ninety-nine percent Remains living in the shadows
There is no vision of caring As the dividing line, it grows The underclass just eats itself Living in the shadows
The one percent destroyed the world And the dividing line is gone No one left to remember the names Of the ones who claimed they’d won
Inspired by a classic late 80s Peter Milligan story ‘Shadows’ originally printed in 2000AD 29th Mar 2024 – Submitted to OLN 359 at dVerse
First day of the new semester and everything is the usual mess but I’m more used to it now and can accept it. Had a good chat with Champ in the afternoon about his beliefs about the future of Thailand. He isn’t happy with the current system but is optimistic about the elections next year. I don’t think it will be much of a change but I also can’t get a feel for the mood of the country.
I moved back into the teacher’s room and sat next to George again. He is still only politely communicating with me and won’t look me in the eye. What I have noticed more about myself is that the things that I read about stoicism and thinking, I’m always framing it into a comparison with me and George. He is good at many things that I would hope to emulate but I’m always classifying it as insincere when it comes from him. I don’t need to be thinking about how what I’m reading relates to him – I need to be concentrating on how it relates to me.
I do feel that I am behaving more as myself these days as opposed to trying to fit in with everyone there, to keep a good vibe. I don’t know how to describe this properly. The vibe is good as I am. I am polite and enquiring and take part in work discussions. I don’t, or no longer, really take part in what I guess could be called bonding exercises. I don’t really feel a need to bond with people on a superficial level. Playing Uno or Kahoot together is ok every now and then and maybe brings a good feeling at that moment but I feel like there’s no depth to it.
Sure, I may not be good at connecting deeply with people myself but I really detest the time wasted on superficial connections. I don’t want to be friends with everyone or care if people I don’t really like don’t like me either, but I will make the effort to make deeper connections with someone I feel great affinity with.
That’s difficult with this group of people due to language issues but I am interested in Champ’s values and thinking as he also seems to be interested in deeper concerns than having time for another round of Uno.
Have I talked myself around? Perhaps not yet. My thinking is something I’m still working on and something I will always need to work on.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the long sleep and pleasant dreams I had last night whilst it rained so hard.
1994ever 