Clare’s Hoped For Sleep – 16th June 2024

A knot to untie the time
Tightened by weight
A sinking ship
Submits to fate

Empty bottle on the sill
A chemical reaction
Soothed into slumber
A sought-after satisfaction

A razor to the wrist
A red river runs
Across the dim-lit dusk
Of no more suns

An inch of water deep
To all the sorrows drowned
A cold ceramic bed
A final furlough found

Cold steel at the temple
One last prayer said
No more cookies to crumble
All the lemons put to bed

Submitted to Moonwashed Musings – hope for, Writer’s Workshop – sleep and Weekly Prompts Weekend Challenge – Sleep. Inspired by Australian fanzine writer Clare Lemon’s quest to commit suicide which she openly wrote about and eventually achieved her wish.


Fatman report

Today I’m feeling:

Good after yesterday though still tired. Woke up well before my alarm, with aching shoulders but spent a few minutes preparing my mind to do exercise, which I then went and did and also whilst in my room did some guitar strumming exercises. Let’s kick off the day well!

Today I’m grateful for:

Mei and Hagan offering to get Amy home from the city after I left them in a bar there to come home and finish up some work and write.

Predictably, Amy didn’t want to leave when they did as she wanted to go off dancing at Whiteline.  They called me to make sure I was ok with it and once I found out that Amy would probably go back to her Mum’s place, then that’s fine.  I wouldn’t anticipate her having any problem getting home to me but Mum’s is much closer.

The best thing about today was:

Hanging out with Mei and Hagan, chatting and catching up since we last met in October in Sydney.  We decided that instead of getting pizza at Singha Park we would try a Persian restaurant about ten minutes away and I’m glad we did.

The restaurant is just run by one guy so things were slow but as there was only us and one other table we all relaxed into the food and the afternoon.  After a while, we got talking to the guy, Woody, and learned all about his life and travels, and him only being 29 years old.  It was an interesting and pleasant few hours there.

Something I learned today?

After discussing China with another WordPress poet I worked out that the 37,000 Chinese that entered the USA across the Mexican border is 0.002% of the Chinese population.

Limitation – 20th May 2024

There’s liberation in limitation
Reality cannot be broken but may be bent
Your freedom is in your imagination
Not in the amount of guns or money spent

Everything is a choice to be made
Choose anything and all else is rejected
The reward is in the excellence made
That’s the freedom that you selected

Inspired by Epictetus and this Stoa Letter
16th Oct 2024 – Shared with Word of the Day Challenge


Today I’m feeling:

Really lazy this morning with nothing to do except check out and then go somewhere to hang out before going to the airport.

Amy returned about an hour after me last night and had been throwing up. I got her into the room and after a bit of sorting out, she slept. 

Today I’m grateful for:

All the taxi drivers, train drivers and airport folks who got us from there to here. Home again. It’s a massive effort of societal coordination and a privilege we often don’t think about.

The best thing about today was:

I experienced a brief moment of bliss as I balanced the taste of lemon tart and bitter coffee at the Coffee Club at the airport. It was so expensive I made damn sure I savoured it.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

There was a lot of waiting around today. It’s a bit of a write-off. We weren’t inspired to venture anywhere. I used the time to catch up on reading some poems.

Something I learned today?

Manchester City won the English Premier League. I think it was for a record-breaking fourth time running.

I took this picture at the cafe yesterday because it’s an interesting little statue that caught my eye. No pictures today as it was mostly the insides of hotel rooms, taxis, trains, shopping malls and airports.

Returned – 19th May 2024

I was part of a story that I didn’t understand
From glacial mountaintops, the water ran to the sea
Among green valleys, men farmed and planned
And one day a place was made for me

I saw fun and fire as we flew our kites high
We dug at the soil to see what we’d find
There was a balance we kept as time went by
That ensured the longevity of all animal-kind

We remained assured we knew what we were doing
But our values changed that we gave to our space
Eventually, realising that there was trouble brewing
And we’d no longer be welcome in this place

By the time I understood my part in the story
It was too late to make changes of worth
But the rocks remain in their lonely glory
And all humankind returned to the earth


Today I’m feeling:

A little lazy and relaxed. With nothing much to do this morning, we dozed and lazed until Amy decided she wanted to get out. So we’re off to a cafe for a couple of hours before coming back to get ready for the wedding this afternoon.

Today I’m grateful for:

The old lady staff at the cafe who rode a motorbike a fair few kilometres to get a taxi to come and pick us up. We gave her a bit of extra cash.

The best thing about today was:

The coffee at Little Tree Cafe was awesome, which was a bit of a surprise. Beautiful surroundings, must be a very rich owner, tons of staff and quite a few customers. I guess people want to get away from the city.

We accidentally got dropped off at a house next door to the cafe where the huge room was covered in antique furniture and the lady owner was lounging around listening to jazz. She wasn’t phased that we were looking for the cafe. What a life.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

This cafe we came to is out in the jungle and now no taxi wants to come and pick us up! Waiting

Something I learned today?

Today is Baipad’s sister’s birthday. She’s 9. I think Baipad is a little bothered by how much more affection her sister gets than her.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Was it good or vile that I left Amy with a few of the wedding guests at a bar opposite the venue? Nong Mai dropped me back to the hotel and said she would look after Amy. 

Amy wanted to go off somewhere to carry on but Nong Mai convinced her not to, thankfully. 

Quote

“Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment. ”

— Robert Benchley
I took this picture because Amy was impressed with the cafe and this room in particular.

When Peace Is Treason – 15th April 2024

This is our genocide so that makes it ok
We’re making money and making them pay
Never been the good guys, why start now
Doublespeak makes us believable somehow



Accepting that our morals are better than yours
Peace is treason in this world of wars
If you don’t agree then we’ll have to kill you

And when we need an enemy, you know, it’s still you



Blessed are we with the God-given guns

Bombs with the power of multiple suns

No longer left with any place to hide

Welcome to our wonderful genocide


Today I’m feeling:

A little slow to get going this morning but now I’m coffeed up and lesson planning so my brain is engaged.  Kinda don’t want to stop except I need to eat something!

Today I’m grateful for:

The weird Chinese tea that tasted like medicine but successfully cooled my mouth at the mala soup restaurant.

The best thing about today was:

Starting with a bang and feeling good winding down from around lunchtime until nighttime!  I could’ve gotten more done but things will get done at the right time.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Baipad told me that she was hoping her mum would be sympathetic and understand how depressed she was after taking an overdose but whilst in the hospital she asked “Why don’t you just die?”  Jesus Christ.  I didn’t know what to say except that ‘I’m sorry’

Something I learned today?

Tibet is actually called Xizang.  Not even the locals have ever called it Tibet.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

After Baipad told me what her mum said I consoled her and advised her to tell the doctor as much information as she can about her situation and feelings.  She’s a little shy and scared to talk about this, preferring to hold it all in but it’s obvious that this is having a negative effect.

We dropped a case of beer to Goleng and thanked him for taking care of Amy last night after she drank too quickly and threw up around 7pm and passed out soon after!  Despite that she said she had a great time and everyone was laughing with her this morning.

I took this picture because today was the last day for splashing water for Songkran.

Weil, Weil, Weil – 28th January 2023

There’s a moral obligation to provide
The more power, the more the obligation
Punish those with their authority
Cheating at a higher level of corruption

Yet these moral rules never applied
As they’d level the field for all to play
Perhaps we do not have moral principles
As Simone was want to say

inspired by an Existential Comics page about Simone Weil


Today I’m feeling:

Tired and dizzy, swaying between depression and happiness

Today I’m grateful for:

Amy’s mum and dad again, bringing me food and watering the garden when I had no enthusiasm for cooking/eating or any kind of effort. I need to water daily now as the ground is getting so parched but I haven’t had the energy for 3 or 4 days.

The best thing about today was:

Reading a lot – it was the only thing that felt satisfying. I played guitar for a while but got frustrated easily. I almost finished updating one book of writing into the blog and started preparing my old poems and lyrics so that felt like I achieved something today. For the afternoon I savoured a few more Anton Chekov short stories, a couple of chapters of Affluenza and a couple of issues of Touch and Go. I was reading to get inspiration to write some poems but my brain is still muddled from medicines though I did finally manage to squeeze out four lines.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I video-called with Amy a couple of times during the day. She had been out drinking with her flatmate and was in a happy mood. Unfortunately, I wasn’t but I told myself that I was happy to see her so happy and she did look attractive to me with her big laugh and bright eyes.

Something I learned today?

Through reading today I must have learned lots of things but perhaps they are not particularly significant as they reinforce things that I already know or believe.

What am I looking forward to in the coming year?

This is not something I’ve really thought about. I expect this year to be similar to last and that would be fine for me, I really enjoyed last year. I do look forward to Amy coming back and trying her hand at running a business here and that would entail some changes with the house and that would be an exciting development. But if that doesn’t happen I know everything will still be fine.

I took this picture because this weird plant that seems to grow easily around our cactuses (it may even be a cactus) sported some flowers I found today. The root of the plant grows at crazy angles, sometimes even turning a full 180. I’ve stuck them against some fencing to hopefully encourage them to go straight for a while!

The Year Of Truth – 1st January 2023

Is this the year that truth may be heard
Instead of a story being sold?
Is everyone prepared to stand by their word
In order that the truth may be told?


If you are not happy it’s your own fault.

Ivan Alexyevitch, A Happy Man by Anton Checkov

This is how it will be from now. As the last year ended with death, so the next has begun. Amy’s high school friend Nan’s dad died suddenly at 3am this morning.

As I saw children, teenagers and uni students’ energy from their night’s cavorts I want to warn them to enjoy life when they can but also to start preparing for this time. I never thought I would see this age but I’m glad I have and now I must suffer its death and decrepitude.

So, beautiful children, whether you are ready or not, it’s coming.

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and relaxed

Today I’m grateful for:

The people at Dasa Books in Bangkok for allowing me a few days’ grace with ordering books as I wait to get paid. I’m finding lots of interesting bits and pieces and look forward to reading more this year.

The best thing about today was:

Playing with the two little kids in the restaurant at lunchtime. They were super cute and engaging and entertained the other customers and the kid’s parents who were the owners. As it was a buffet Amy and her mum and dad could stay longer and eat drink and talk more. Everyone was happy with clown Shaun, the child carer.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Almost everything got disrupted today. We took Tigger to get a shower at the professionals but twenty minutes later they called us to come and get him because they were scared Tigger would bite them. Never mind. Amy wanted to try and clean him straight away but I said no cos I know how much trouble it’s going to be and soon we were supposed to be going out for lunch with Amy’s mum and dad. We were still waiting at midday so Amy called her mum and found out her dad was sleeping. We were getting hungry and told them to hurry up. Finally, they came and we went to the restaurant and Amy and her dad got drunk. Amy had planned an evening out but that was cancelled after Nan’s father passed away last night so instead we were off to the first night of the funeral. Even that, finishing quite quickly I was hopeful to be home in good time but Amy wanted to eat again so we’re here now at a khao tom restaurant. But I feel fine with everything, able to go with the flow much easier than before. And driving home felt smooth and relaxing like I was manipulating a video game. I wonder what it is that made this day ok for me but others not so much. Enough water, something I ate, enough sleep or the cool weather? I wish I knew.

Something I learned today?

From watching the Little Chinese Everywhere YouTube channel I followed Yan to Antakya in Turkey and learned that the people there (like anywhere I guess) are curious and friendly. There was French and Syrian influence as well as a mix of religions and so it was I learned that this city used to be called Antioch. Perhaps tomorrow I will learn what the Antioch Arrow was…?

What goal would you like to accomplish this year?

I’d like to recover my fitness and still get to 75kg this year. Having covid seems to have set me back on this in 2022… or I’m using that as an excuse. I think I’m getting a little less tired now though it seems to catch up with me by the end of each week. I hope to push on through again, get back into the routine and exercise habit again.

Amy took this picture because I asked her to and also because it’s not easy for me to see what these tattoos look like. Anyway, the idea was to post a picture on the Nomeansno Facebook group but my post was declined because I don’t have a picture in my user id. I haven’t had one for a couple of years now since cutting back on using FB and I do understand the reason the group rules require users to have pictures but still I was looking forward to showing off. Haha. I also realised that this tattoo is now ten years old already. I also wanted this picture because I’m considering getting the dancing punk covered up with the cover art from the Birthday Party’s Junkyard and wanted to see how feasible it might be. Also, if it is what I actually want.

Young Buds March On Pretty – 24th December 2022

Why is this time dead?
A month to end the year
When will the winter wane
And snowfalls start to clear?

Eternal hope for spring
Give us one more go
Young buds march on pretty
Running beyond the slow

Why is December dying
And January a start?
Run no more towards the sun
Temper your beating heart


Darkness must fall before we are aware of the majesty of the stars above our heads.

Stefan Zweig

Today I’m feeling:
Tired, dizzy but in an ok mood.
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy’s friends to take her up to Doi Chang overnight for a drunken adventure.
The best thing about today was:
Finding an interesting youtube channel of a Chinese girl travelling from Europe to China. It’s nice to see this kind of video from a non-western perspective.
Another thing was my old student Baitoey sending me a recording of her playing an online kalimba. She played Happy Birthday and wanted me to hear it. That was very nice of her and I appreciated it.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I wasn’t sure when Amy would be coming down from the mountain. She called at 10 am and it seemed like it would be early afternoon but it turned out to be around 6pm and by that time she was drunk already and we had to get through some shopping at Makro. She was in a good happy mood and I just let her be herself and everything was groovy.
Something I learned today?
From watching the youtube mentioned above I got a quick tour around the small Chinese city of Guangde in Anhui and it made me want to go there.
Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.
The tune to We Three Kings as I was just playing it on guitar. It didn’t sound terrible!

I took this picture because this is the view from my afternoon position at Utopia because it’s busier than the morning and my usual table isn’t available. For afternoon coffee I drink a Dirty, a creamy milk with a shot on top, with chocolate shavings.

A Dog’s Performance Review – 17th November 2021

Oh dog, your performance is far too poor
You are not achieving what we hired you for
The rats still run rampant everywhere
You’re on probation until you start to care

Your KPI’s are well below par
Do you know exactly what you are?
Eating shoes and snapping at flies
You are a dog! Do you realise?

Scared of cats and other critters
The village bears your many litters
Hopefully, these puppies understand their job
The proper work of being a dog

Based on this article
15th Aug 2024 – Submitted to What’s Going On – cats and dogs


Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I have been asked to be the voice of the Chiang Rai Flower Festival again.


Amy was pretty drunk yesterday. She is obviously very excited about going to Australia and open to the possibilities there – lots of options. Sometimes when she is drunk, her emotions can swing wildly. Last night she was ok but cried a few times, not with happiness or sadness but with gratitude and appreciation for her parents and me.

We both went to bed early and I held her little body in my arms as she settled down and rolled over and found her sleep. I had some interesting dreams, with lots of people from my past.

Today I usually only have one class and that was cancelled as the kids are off for vaccinations. I knew that I had to do recording for the Chiang Rai Flower Festival today, like I did last year but I only found out that I had to go to the CRPAO official offices, next to Immigration, about 15 minutes before starting.

I met Kru Gratae and Kru Tee there and they did their Chinese version and I did the English version, even nailing the long Thai name first time. The texts they use are pretty weird, flowery words that any English speaker would immediately recognise as fantastical hyperbole. It’s pretty funny to read though.

So for the rest of the day I’m pretty much free. I will take advantage and prepare the class work for students next week, do a little reading and check out more of this free literature course that I found online.

I’m a wimp – 11th May 2021

After writing all that yesterday, I went back in the house, and Amy was belligerently drunk, and talk soon gave way to raised voices and frustration. I really don’t enjoy talking with her when she is drunk like that, and my default mode is to cower away and avoid escalating further. I’m a wimp in that respect, I know.

Amy got very sad and unhappy, once again unable to see the good things in our life and only able to concentrate her thoughts around the negative things around – things which have very minimal impact on us. Amy used to be a happy drunk but now is ending up crying a lot more often and then drinking again because she feels sad.

Unfortunately, all this kept me awake at night, so I had very little sleep – whilst Amy had passed out by that time. In the morning, Amy was still very sad, remorseful and apologetic. We talked about things, and she realises that it is a problem that only she can fix and it’s in her head. She thought to stop drinking again for a while and to cut down on social media too.

It has become obvious to me that always looking at how terrible the world is, whilst something we would like to fix, just makes us feel more powerless and frustrated. This is why I stopped reading so much news many years ago, occasionally slipping back into that negative cycle but then catching myself and removing myself again.

4th Mar 2025 – As I add this entry to the blog, I decided to delete the two Telegram channels that I follow for news.

After all that, I struggled my way to work and actually had a productive and enjoyable day. When I got home, I was greeted by the neighbour’s dog, Tangmo, as often happens, and he brought more smiles to my face and cheered Amy a little too.

Why don’t you do something, at least get out of our way – 6th June 2020

Tiananmen – America burns – irony, oh the ironing – where did that phrase come from?

Core is useless – short plank – five reverse situps and 16 bike, at least I know it’s something I can improve.

Smoky air today despite lots of rain, coughing phlegm – neck sore from sleep – would like my neck to be free from pain – been a problem for so many years now. Look up neck exercises.

Still Heavy Vegetable* on the iMind player. Foot massage yesterday, good but ineffective – need every day! I can’t breathe anymore – I can’t see through these lenses.*

Fat Tigger purring in my arms – still eager to get down. No lap cats in my life. Maya and Inca.

Little garden changes – making a home.

Okay – some weights. Slowly, slowly changing body.

*was actually Thingy’s Ketchup Sandwich

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to discover so many things that I enjoy. They keep my brain satisfied.

To-do list

  • Read more – finish book this weekend ✅
  • Record another TCRAH if you feel it
  • Listen to Rudimentary Peni ✅
  • Practice mini zine making
  • Scan some photos

Weird day. Felt very good throughout but very unfocused – I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do but ended up finishing a book which was a good result.

Amy got annoyingly drunk by the early evening – but not annoying so much because she was drunk but I got quickly annoyed with her – I think because I couldn’t focus and wanted to – then when she came and distracted me more – I got unreasonably annoyed. I ended up doing more jigsaw which at least maintained my focus.

Then, around 7.30 pm there was a short in our electricity in the house that we couldn’t fix – which sobered Amy up quickly! We couldn’t get anyone to come and look so had to sleep in my room which still had power.

Slept ok but woke up with a cranky back – probably from lifting blocks in the morning and then hunched over the jigsaw for a couple of hours.