Tag: Amy

Pit Ponies – 16th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Bandaged eyes for a holiday treat
A walking cough on coal-black feet
Animals and humans linger in shit
The bray and the neigh, murmurs the pit

Air to breathe, relaxed underground
There echoes the ever-tapping sound
Fathers tell sons to break the chain
Close the gates on working man’s shame

Time has turned the tide around
A union broken and unknown freedom found
Damocles laughs and makes some bank
The pit ponies nostalgic for the sulphur stank

Today I’m feeling:

Not too bad today but not particularly inspired either. Enjoyed starting to read the Brix Smith book whilst at Utopia. I didn’t want to stop so ended up drinking 3 coffees instead of my usual two. Amy’s brother called to come here so I’m waiting for him now but I can’t drink more coffee!

Today I’m grateful for:

Amy getting home safely last night and then for her flatmate who consoled her today when she cried over our lovely Kim Chi. I still miss her terribly but I’m getting more used to her not being around. Amy told me she was excited to come back in July to see all our cats but now her trip is tinged with sadness too.

The best thing about today was:

I really enjoyed reading today with the Brix Smith book at Utopia and approaching the end of Death’s End at home. I will miss this sci-fi series but have many other cool books to get into next.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

There are times I feel fatalistic about the future but I also know that making uncomfortable changes usually brings about a renewed sense of accomplishment. I have been happy with the way things had been going until the shock of Kim’s death rattled me.  At this point, I don’t know what’s coming. Amy is pretty unhappy to be leaving Australia and has such a negative attitude to being in Thailand again that I’m not sure how long it will last. I know she wants us all to be together but prefers it not to be here. Going back to Australia together in the future feels really up in the air to me. I have no idea what I can do there for work. Amy is keen on the idea of opening a restaurant which I’m not quite in the right frame of mind to attempt. A lot of time, money and stress will be ahead of that. Can I submit to that to make Amy happy?

Something I learned today?

I watched a magic video that showed how to make small objects float using a very fine thread. It’s a neat trick that maybe I’ll practice one day and show my students.

What are the details of my daily routine?

Right now, in the holidays: get up around 8.30, feed the cats, shower, ride to Utopia, drink coffees and read, go home and read (different book), watch YouTube videos, eat (depending on how hungry I am), video call Amy when feeding the cats, water the garden, sometimes play guitar, watch more YouTube, read more, watch Netflix, shower, get in bed, read books and comics on iPad, sleep. I’m not spending much time listening to music since Kim died; I’m not quite in the mood for it yet.


I took this picture because the ceramic figure reminds me of Amy and this is one of her cactuses that I haven’t managed to kill yet. I had to force myself out to find something to take a picture of today.

Broken Isn’t Bad – 14th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Broken isn’t bad, here we are again
It’s our destiny, what we’re made for
There’s no hiding from our inner pain
For some, it’s what they’re paid for
Scabs are formed around scrapes and cuts
Dizzy heads are spun amongst the stars
Feeling cheated and going nuts
These deeper wounds will form your scars

Today I’m feeling:

A little flat and a little bored. Missing that crazy cat.

Today I’m grateful for:

Free time. Netflix. YouTube. Books and comics. It’s a lazy day.

The best thing about today was:

Watering the garden whilst on a video call with Amy. It got me up and about instead of lounging around and napping.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I couldn’t keep my eyes open this afternoon so had to succumb to a quick snooze. I’m not motivated at all today. That’s ok. I know there are days like this and things will pick up again.

Something I learned today?

I watched a video about the cost of living in Bangkok and was shocked at comments saying they thought 200,000 baht a month was about right for someone single in their 20s or 30s. I know that’s not my demographic but to compare I live on less than 30,000 baht per month and the locals are getting around 9,000 for many jobs.

What is my favourite way to relax?

My favourite way to relax is after working hard. Right now I’m relaxing from one relaxing thing to another and it’s not my preference. I need the juxtaposition between effort and rest.


I took this picture because I’m having to pour my love into Cap and Tig. Cap loves to be close by though usually just out of arms reach. Though he’s usually lazing around he rarely seems to be in a deep sleep.

No Bricks, No Mortar – 13th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Keeping up with the Joneses and Smiths
Established in a canyon of glamour
Here are built the legends and myths
The counters to the sickle and hammer
There’s no volunteer to be the clown
As it’s just the beginning, just a starter
Their crushed dreams are raining down
Like confetti from a busted pinata

*Last two lines are a paraphrase from a sentence that stood out in Brix Smith Start’s biography and the inspiration for the rest

Today I’m feeling:

Better each day. I’m getting there. Today though Amy asked me to call her when I got up and when I did she told me her grandmum was rushed to the hospital after passing blood. In her 90s she still has a good brain but a failing body. 

Today I’m grateful for:

My phone’s alarm clock and my smart idea to set 3 alarms 15 minutes apart to help get me out of bed a little earlier. I’d like to get back into the rhythm of getting up early and sleeping earlier again.

The best thing about today was:

Talking for an hour with Hayden on the phone. As he gets older and has more life experience we can talk about many issues and subjects these days and I enjoy our conversations.

Also messaging with Echo in LA and catching up with her again which I try and do every 12 to 18 months.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy asked me to go to the hospital and visit her grandma in the evening after she’d been moved to a private room. The only problem is that today is the first day of the Songkran celebration and the traffic in the city was crazy. Whilst on the way there Amy called and told me to go home. It had taken her brother two hours to make the usual ten-minute drive from home to the hospital! As I’d been stuck in traffic for 20 minutes already I thought going home was a good idea too.  I enjoyed driving anyway as it gave me a chance to listen to more podcasts.

Something I learned today?

I learned that Echo is a ceramic artist and recently held an exhibition in LA, examples of which I could see in her WeChat Moments. I never knew that she was doing this and still not clear if she can live off her art but I’m quite amazed at her ability and pursuit of this.

What things are in my control today?

Some of my thoughts. Some of my actions.


I took this picture because I’ve never seen these fruit (or nuts – I’m not sure which) turn red before. This is on one of our palm trees. A quick search tells me they are foxtail palms (and they are fruit!)

Own It – 10th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It doesn’t matter what you do or be
Someone will tell you that it’s wrong
We’re just singing in a different key
Or even singing a different song
Expect judgement in advance
And carry on with a smile
Relish your unique stance
Revel in your personal style

Today I’m feeling:

Ok but still as if something has gone missing. It’s getting less concrete now and the other realities of life are breaking in.

Today I’m grateful for:

The expectedly surly staff at Immigration who gave me the forms I asked for. He was wearing a bright Songkran shirt and happily passed over the forms and I thought that he’s not really surly, he’s just being a little Thai and he’s at work dealing with all our farang shit all day. I wai’d my thanks and left.

The best thing about today was:

Picking up some mangoes and pomelo at the market near Oasis. The lady was helpful and I will enjoy eating them today and tomorrow.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I tried some magic mushroom gummies last night and they had no real discernible effect.

After my alarm went off this morning I dozed a while longer and vividly dreamt that where Amy and I were living ( it wasn’t here), in the garden a huge hole had formed as if dirt had been carried away by ants. I noticed our cactuses were even growing underground where they were now exposed by the hole.

I went back inside to get my phone. Amy wasn’t home so I wanted to take pictures to send to her but my phone kept messing up like there was some electrical or magnetic interference.

I walked out of the garden and the roads had flooded from rain I thought I had heard during the night. People were trudging through the water to their houses nearby. I noted the surroundings looked like it was in the New Forest somewhere.

Again my phone kept messing up so I turned it off and hoped to sort it out back inside. As I walked back there were people standing around but I suddenly noticed things were dry. Then I realised that it was the magic mushrooms and I had hallucinated the hole in the garden and the flooding. I woke up then.

An earlier dream involved me trying not to wake the devil even though I had to open the door. He was sleeping in a normal bed in a normal bedroom. To open the door I had to tell him the truth about who he was. I didn’t think this would be too bad as he already knew what he was but he didn’t know that I knew. I just wanted to get out so I was stuck in this paradox.

I remember waking him and feeling scared but not sure what happened after that.

All these bits and pieces make sense to me considering the TV show I have been watching, a German show called Dark. The story is good and imaginative and has at least kept my brain occupied.

Something I learned today?

I went to see about getting my driving licence updated and I learned about the documents I will need and that I should either get there early or be prepared for a long wait.

How do I want to feel right now?

Alive, awake, enthusiastic, and full of joy.


I took this picture because Cap is feeling the heat. It’s unusual for him to lay like this on the floor. Usually, he’s on the bed or sofa when he rolls onto his back. 

Beautiful Idea – 8th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Always searching for the elusive
Open to interpretation
Blown along like leaves in the wind
To catch on to inspiration
There’s no dogma here on the fence
With a view of the garden on each side
Just going along with the flow
And the push and pull of the tide
We’re humbled by the mysterious
In awe of those who rage
There’s a beautiful idea here
Just waiting for the page

inspired by Red Hand Files #229

Today I’m feeling:

Flat, sad. The fucking smoke outside isn’t helping as the light barely gets beyond a dusklike feeling all day. It’s like a typical English dull grey weekend sky. This just makes me want to sleep. The slight mood upswing yesterday has been brought right back to earth. How do I miss a cat so much? Is it my mistake to have focused all my love onto Kim without even realizing it. Is it safer to not love?

Today I’m grateful for:

Amy being able to visit Mai in Albury which helps distract from her own feeling of loss and discomfort at not being here. It’s hard for me to be enthusiastic on video calls but seeing Mai’s daughter YaYa is pretty entertaining as she is a very lively and active 5-year-old.

The best thing about today was:

I’m still unenthusiastic but the first coffee was good and the 20 baht of strawberries I picked up outside 7/11 were ripe and juicy. It’s good that the garden got taken care of and also to see Amy and YaYa.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’ve not quite got a grip on my emotions yet and finding it hard to be here without Amy. I know things will get better and it will take time. 

Something I learned today?

I came across the movie Made in Britain on YouTube today. I can remember watching it in 1982 and being excited by the music and the fucked up attitude of Trevor, played by Tim Roth. I seem to recall being confused by it at the time because it wasn’t clear to me what the message might have been as it amounts to either conform or go to prison. I know that was the purpose of the movie, that there didn’t seem to be any other options but that was little consolation to angry 14-year-old me. My solution was to run away to Australia which I think was the best decision of my life. Watching it again now made me kind of unhappily nostalgic. Those times were depressing yet they were all I knew. I guess inside I did still have a will to find a way out because that’s what happened. I can’t imagine what I would be doing if I was still stuck there. I was useless, with a bad attitude but I never had the guts to do the dumb things Trevor did in the movie. When my old schoolmate Jeremy boasts about having been in prison I don’t think that’s something to be proud of. Fuck I’m glad those times are over yet I still wish I could live them again.

Describe a perfect day from start to finish.

Right now I feel like answering this like my students would answer it – sleeping!


I took this picture because the gardeners came today and cleaned things up but this picture still reflects my sadness as all the things are still set up in Kim’s room in the centre. Going in there and sorting things act may be the final admission that she’s gone. I still can’t understand it.

My Own Despair – 5th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I just want to feel numb today
Don’t need the good things you say
Just want to sleep and fail to care
Just want to wallow in my own despair

I want nothing that can be had
I just want to be happy being sad
I want to punch and scream and yell
Let me remain in my personal hell

I want to sink into a deep depression
I want to be familiar with this obsession
I want to be alone, I want to be there
Just let me wallow in my own despair

Today I’m feeling:

Flat, a little uninspired but forcing myself through a to-do list I made last night. It’s distracting me as much as it can but little Kim is everywhere in my mind. Thinking about doing some meditation but think I will be unable to clear my mind and all I will end up thinking about is Kim. I’m tired but slept well and eight hours. I’m looking forward to watching the last two episodes of Top Boy and trying to save them for tonight. I’m at Utopia again this afternoon, enjoying this four-coffee high but wondering if I can get back to crossing something off my list or just falling into watching tv or reading. I need to eat too so that should give me a little brain boost as well.

Today I’m grateful for:

The farmers burning in the mountains behind our house. Why?  Well, it looked like they did it when the wind was taking the smoke over the mountain rather than down into the valley. Sorry for the folks that live up there. I wanted to turn into a giant and pour a glass of water over it all and blow away the smoke like I was the Monkey King or something. Despite my comforts I am a victim of poverty too. Tonight, ash is rain.

The best thing about today was:

I dosed and lucid-dreamed, a coffee coma, whilst listening to an interview with David Foster Wallace and a review of The Infinite Jest. Makes me want to read it again. As the conversation phased in and out I felt inspired but when I got up my thoughts turned blank. Or more accurately, they returned to the vacuum in my life once filled by a lovely little cat. 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The fires were out of my control but as I mention above I try to make the best of it by imagining they were trying to do the right thing whilst doing the wrong thing.

Something I learned today?

I took a little ride around on the way home from Utopia this afternoon and discovered new roads and paths further into the mountain jungle, where fires have already burned out. There’s lots more building and activity going on. Land being cleared may be for new crops or new houses.
Sometimes I don’t recognise places that I rode through only a year ago.

Who has made a difference in my life lately?

This may be one of the usual suspects. Amy and Hayden. My circle is small, I’m fine with that even though I know it can leave me vulnerable in the future. So for people who have made a difference perhaps I might say Bruno for his friendship or David as a work colleague. Maybe the staff at my favourite coffee shops or customers that I have made friends with. Just their small contributions to my life make a difference.


I took this picture because I thought these flowers had all gone already. These are on the corner of the pond below Lake Hill Resort. The pond has now been landscaped for fishing and lots of jungle cleared to transform the area.

The Plough – 3rd April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The fire is out, now just smouldering
A burden the beast has been shouldering
Look beyond the mountain towards the sea
The red moon rising so graciously
A bell is calling to gather the bulls
A rope is the life on which it pulls
The will to work is never satisfied
Around the tree where stories are tried
Broken leaves sail down to earth
An imitation of an angel’s worth
All the chanting and all the prayers
There’s nothing dancing, nothing cares

Today I’m feeling:

Flat and sad. Lonely but not alone.

Today I’m grateful for:

Condolences from Art, Fon and Jess as well as Hayden, following up and checking in on me. I really appreciate that. Like Amy, I’m also feeling like not wanting to talk directly with anyone much even though people are being nice. 

The best thing about today was:

I tried to keep myself distracted as much as I could today. Washing bed sheets after Tigger sprayed next to the bed again getting some on the doona, going shopping, starting ironing, watching football. It worked for a while. I think I’m nearly cried out now.
 
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Nothing springs to mind today. This is a quiet time now.

Something I learned today?

I found out that the familiar old guy at the Swans games (Kenny Williams, I also learned) had passed away recently and his ashes were spread on the Sydney Cricket Ground. He was honoured by the Swans with a seat with his name and also one for his wife who survives him. That guy was a legend.

What happened today worth remembering?

Whilst I was talking to Amy on a video call, Cap and Tig came out into the garden to do some investigating. Cap was in the corner near the termite mound and Tigger stalked him from the garage. Amy thinks Tig’s eyesight may be no good now and doesn’t recognise Cap from afar. These old boys are handsome and beautiful. I hope they can stay with me for a long time.


Amy took this picture back in November 2018 not too long after we got Kim Chi. Amy is putting together all our cat photos in Facebook albums.

Total Victory – 18th March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Nothing but total victory will suffice
Is at the heart of democratic advice
Diplomacy is an admission of defeat
Propaganda must make victory complete

Cutting off the head is seen to win
The hearts and minds of those within
Here we go again, history repeated
Total victory has been totally defeated

Today I’m feeling:

Woke up tired after not sleeping until about 1 am as I’d been busy setting up my computer again. Feeling right after coffees!

Today I’m grateful for:

All the people in the world who make it possible for me to get my computer running the way I want. It often involves a little bit of fiddling around to get dodgy bits and pieces of software going but once it’s done I forget about it until the next time I have to rebuild my computer.

The best thing about today was:

I took Cap back to the vet to check his blood and got the all-clear which was good news. Cap talked all the way there and back and was relieved once home again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy was upset over something that happened with one of her friends and even though I thought I was saying the right thing it wasn’t what she wanted to hear so she hung up the call. Unfortunately, her upset transferred to me and I just felt grumpy after that so I took an afternoon nap which was enjoyable at least.

I still feel a little uninspired and bored after that though. I didn’t feel like playing guitar which I had been looking forward to in the morning. I ended up just playing Xbox for a while and even that felt like a struggle.

Something I learned today?

I learned how to play Dishonored 2 on Xbox. I enjoyed the first game and this one looks good too but my head is just not in the right space at the moment for time wasting like this. That could change in a couple of days though.

What are a few of my favourite wise quotes?

Check out any entries from last year. One every day.

I took this picture because these plants are getting their new leaves. Even the one that looked totally dead has hung on for another year.

Peacemakers – 11th March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

There are words that form the world
And the response is the surest test
One way will lead to destruction
But it’s the peacemakers that are blessed

Investigating the phrase ‘Blessed are the peacemakers’ it feels that it is a deliberate attempt to subvert its actual intent of advocating peace for all. With the addition of ‘for they shall be called the sons of God’, the implication is that peace is only available for one religious belief. To hell with the rest!

Today I’m feeling:

Tired and reflective. More so than normal today whenever memories of the past pop into my head they feel like they belong to someone else.

We change as we age so we are not the same person as we were before. Sometimes I miss myself.

I’m nostalgic for the pain I had of growing up.

Today I’m grateful for:

Tigger being the strong cat he is. Taking him to the vet today for regular vaccines and blood check found everything normal. He has really found his place here and his diagnosis of having AIDS hasn’t affected him so far.

The best thing about today was:

After lunch, I took a nap in air-con, finally not able to stay without and woke up a little grumpy. Apart from my half sertraline tablet, I didn’t take anything else today so was a little dizzy and down again.

Somehow though, I forced myself to pick up the guitar and with a few breaks ended up playing along to some of my favourite songs with the Capo app for around three hours.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My emotional stability was a little off this afternoon. But only slightly and I was well aware of it. It makes me a little unenthusiastic to do things even though I know if I start then I will enjoy it.

Something I learned today?

Amy video-called me from Chatswood and our old apartment visiting Anna; as she walked around the suburb I caught glimpses of shops I remembered there and I initially thought it would be nice to go back and have a look again but at the same time, not much has changed there really.

Amy said she thought I didn’t really have any feelings for our old apartment but I do. It’s just that they are memories now, in the past and cannot be repeated.

I’m sitting here in Kim’s room writing this and thinking this would be a good space as a painter’s studio and how I could do that if I wanted but then think am I really settled here?

I’m perhaps holding back on what I could do here. I love this place and where it has brought my life and the satisfaction I have with that, but with Amy not happy here and wanting to be settled back in Australia it seems that even this place will not be quite home.

I can’t imagine us having a place of our own in Australia somehow.

Did I learn something? Maybe that nowhere is home.

What is this season of life teaching me?

Naps are good. Even though time is running out there is lots of time. There’s no rush.

I took this picture because I love potatoes!

The Visitor – 6th March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Our visitor, quiet by our side
So close, so very close
There’s no one else and nothing happens
We share this realm
There’s no ordinary language
Just the feeling of unbounded love
The presence remains
Long after the sun turns golden
The comfort the visitor brings
– Hope to see you again

inspired by (and phrases appropriated from) Nick Cave’s Red Hand Files

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and relaxed.

Today I’m grateful for:

The iron, the ironing board, electricity, TV, Netflix, Sex Education and spare time. All these combined saw me knock off the pile of 20-plus shirts that now hang, reasonably smooth, in my wardrobe.

The best thing about today was:

Shaving off a five-day beard growth with a new razor. I always try to make my razors last well past their supposed use date which is something ridiculous like 15 shaves. But I’m also always relieved when I switch to a new one and can get a clean shave with no rashes or cuts.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My main computer has been slowly dying for the last two years and is being particularly troublesome today after not having any issues at all yesterday. I get to the point where I’m resigned to the fact that I’ll have to buy a new one and then it will suddenly start working ok again for a few months. This time might be the end though.

Something I learned today?

I watched a video about the Two Sessions in China. The National People’s Congress and the CPPCC ( I forget exactly what this acronym is now). They meet every year and elect new leaders every five. What was interesting was that they clearly represent a wide range of peoples and groups throughout the whole country.

What is a defining moment of my life?

Moving away from the UK – really the whole impetus for this blog which has now morphed into something else.

Meeting TLJ – the start of a long difficult recovery.

Meeting Amy – the becoming of a truly independent adult and finding deep happiness.

I took this picture because as I was arriving at Utopia this morning the leaves’ symmetry struck me, requesting a photo to be taken.

Although the semester isn’t over and I still have things to do, it already feels like holiday.
Today is another Buddhist holiday too so I’m taking advantage of the free time. I ploughed through the shirts whilst watching Netflix – the semi-watchable but very contrived Sex Education. The best thing about it is the setting in a beautiful part of England that I’ll look up and find because I’d like to go there and check it out for real.
The air quality fucking sucks right now and the mountains are barely visible but I’ve forced myself out again, to sit at Daytripper, read, write and reflect.