“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
Essential for self-knowledge
There’s a need to be negative
A freeing natural balance
A brain made regenerative
To be relentlessly positive
Is as toxic as its reverse
The bright days shine brighter
When we get through the worst
You have no responsibility to live up to someone else’s expectation of you.
James Clear
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have a day off and go to Doi Chang today with Amy’s family.
And you’re so desperate to see the lights that you don’t dare think about what’s going on in the dark.
from Troubled Souls by Garth Ennis and John McCrea
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to Baew and Mee for bringing Amy home safe and sound last night after their Christmas Party. They are good friends.
Prepare for adversity! It seems the school is attempting to stop teachers from leaving the school again, so I may have to concede my coffee time at House, at least for a while. OK – I know I will have to accept this for now. Let’s see how we go! I’m writing this because I know I can get myself worked up about it because it’s dumb. I get much more work done when I am at House. Anyway, anyway, anyway.
Yesterday afternoon and evening I really enjoyed a very chill day watching TV and reading. My eyes got tired and a little kratom put my body and mind into a blissful transition towards a fabulous, long, deep sleep.
I feel refreshed today and will start resetting my alarm back 5 minutes every day or two until I get back to 6.10 or 6.00 and get back on the abs regimen. The pizza and beer on the weekend saw a weight increase of 800g but I think I’ll be back under 76.5 again soon. Still heading towards that 75kg goal I set a while back but really now I’m more concerned with getting the last of the fat off my belly and chest.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
I feel young for my age, about 20 years behind, maybe even 30! I was thinking the other day about George and me being comfortable around younger people, but I think for very different reasons. For George, he is easily able to control younger people around him. They look up to him as a guide, as I once did too.
For me, I am comfortable around younger people (not necessarily young, I’m talking about up to Amy’s age) because I find them inspiring for myself. As I watch them growing, I understand more about myself. Their energies and excitements, filled with curiosity, are exciting to me. Perhaps it makes me feel somewhat superior and that is an ego boost but this is not a conscious thing. Yes, I can see where people are heading towards mistakes but I also see them find their way out of them too.
As with everyone, it is not just about age. I can see many teenagers and 20-year-olds who do not inspire or enthuse, just as I can find others older than me, still growing and learning. For me, this is a life well spent.
Am I in step with my peers? Well, I find it difficult to identify my peers. Who are they? It can’t just be people my age. And living here in Thailand, maybe still finding peers (local? farang?) blurs things further.
The auntie across the road told Amy that she couldn’t believe that I was older than her husband. We’ve never talked but she said that my actions are of a much younger person. I dunno, I get pleasure out of playing with their dog and sometimes their cat and I’m generally doing things at a more speedy pace than the locals. It’s not just a physical thing.
But again, there are some things I generally don’t like to do, things I consider may be making a fool of myself! Interesting to think about what we decide constitutes making fools of ourselves. I still won’t sing karaoke unless I’m drunk! Why is it ok then? Haha – I don’t know!
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the technology that means we can video call our friends around the world. It’s a far cry from the dial phones I grew up with.
Last night, Amy and I had a long video and audio call with Aing in Bangkok. She was down and confused about her future and I learned a little bit about Amy as we talked. About myself too.
I was conscious of not just putting my ideas forward or just telling what I would do because I can’t really put myself into her situation exactly. Amy and I both listened more than talking, asking questions where appropriate.
Then Amy gave her some good advice. Aing felt better after this and we will try and help her as much as we can. She is a smart young lady with lots of potential. We would like to see her achieve her dreams rather than going along with what satisfies other people.
Amy and I talked more about it afterwards and she has a method in this kind of situation, which I didn’t really realise that I was doing too. That is to let the person talk and to listen carefully before offering any advice. Be sympathetic before a solution provider. Amy is very good at this. George too. I am getting better at it and try more these days to put myself in someone else’s shoes as much as possible.
Sometimes other people’s problems put more perspective into mine. Mine are all in my head. In fact, I would say most problems are just there. I try to put everything into categories of what I can control and what I can’t. That usually leads me to the way to the solution. Controlling my thoughts is the constant practice for the rest of my life.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to play badminton with Amy yesterday in the driveway. We had to lock out Tangmo because the day before he chewed on the shuttlecock.
I was looking forward to only having one class today, catching up with a few things, sitting drinking coffee at House but last night Amy told me she will use the car today so I’m sitting in Le Paradis instead (the school cafe). At least it’s a little better in here than in the teacher’s room and I can be pretty much by myself.
I also have to go to see the psychiatrist again this afternoon, just to get more medicine. I’m back down to just 50mg sertraline again for now, which seems to be doing me ok. I’m enjoying 37.5mg tramadol every day and generally that just makes me feel fucking awesome. I’m glad you can just buy over the counter here. It’s addictive but it has a powerful effect and I love it! The sertraline stops me being depressed and the tramadol makes me happy and relaxed. If there are any negative effects from this combination, perhaps it’s worth it!
In my one class today, one of the female students, Kartoon, called me over and she had translated (on her phone) that she wanted to go and change her sanitary napkin. I thought it was cool that she had no fear to share this information without any feeling of shame or fear. Maybe girls are always like this, even when I was their age and, as a boy, I never noticed and, as a boy, I didn’t really understand the concept of periods.
Anyway, I told her that she didn’t need to explain why she needed to go to the bathroom, that I understood girls have different needs than boys and she understood what I was trying to tell her.
Based on a Khalil Gibran short story
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that Amy filled the petrol in the car on the weekend which saves me 1000 baht this month.
Yesterday, I read a simple mindfulness tip to practice. Every time you open a door or sit down, take a second to consider the reality around. Become aware of everything around you. Possibilities and realities. Brace yourself (when opening the door to a classroom!).
I liked this idea and thought I should try it but so far, I have not remembered even one single time! I think my brain is constantly engaged with thoughts about what is going to happen and what I am doing, planning or even just nonsense thinking – my brain is too busy and I just don’t think about it. I’ll keep trying though. Gotta bring it to the front of my brain.
This morning I finished my second lot of 30-day abs exercises. It’s still difficult but I can feel it getting slightly easier. I have to do the next set before Amy leaves because I’m not sure how much time I’ll have in the mornings, with having to feed the cats, unless I get up even earlier each day. I can do that but it will be harder to push myself. I will also have less time during the day as I will need to find food for myself too.
Damn, I will miss Amy’s cooking so much!
Ok – back to it – one more class on this busy day.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that Amy got up with me this morning to join my abs workout. It was tough for her.
The crappy TV break yesterday was less than crappy. It was perfect.
I watched some YouTube videos and some Trailer Park Boys. I dismissed TPB when it first aired because it wasn’t laugh-out-loud funny, just amusing stereotypes at play. After 15 years, I decided to give it another shot and I’m glad I did. One thing I like about it is the appearance of how much fun they must have had making it. I’m very curious what these people are like in real life but I don’t want to find out yet, that would spoil the illusion for me.
The environment for the setting of the show reminds me so much of when I used to visit Turlin Moor with Justin and, occasionally, Rupert and Jeremy. Looking back, that place was scary. Turlin Moor was an area in Poole where recently released convicts were rehoused. Needless to say, not many had been rehabilitated.
I don’t really remember how often I went there but it was enough to feel somewhat welcome and protected. We hung out at a family house. A mother (Pam) with two kids and then all the other wastrels hanging around. There was usually 10 to 12 people lounging around the living room.
I never went on my own, always with Justin, though I may have stayed there overnight sometimes and Justin went to his home, which was within walking distance.
Friendly though the people there were, they weren’t always the brightest sparks and trouble was never far away. I managed to avoid getting involved and just relished this little family community that accepted anyone.
My other main watch this weekend was on YouTube, where I discovered someone had uploaded the Sensational Swans video. Something I’d been trying to find since its release in late 2005. It was available to buy from the Sydney Swans website but I didn’t want to pay full price for it and hoped it would turn up in the video store and I could just rent it and rip it. I did that with the release of the Grand Final from that year but the Sensational Swans was an hour and a half review of the whole season. In comparison the final was not so excting.
Anyway, watching this on the weekend got me wound up. Remembering names and goals and faces but the best/worst things was feeling the tension watching the little game reviews, even though I already knew the result.
I love watching the AFL and the Swans (when we play well). I’m excited for the coming season already.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the adjustable bracket I bought for my iPad so that I can read laying down flat and looking straight up. I hope this helps a little with my sore neck.
Well, turned up today to find only 4 students come to my first class and none to my second! I guess I would’ve done the same after getting a vaccine and being told you may get sick afterwards. I would definitely be sick!
But, I haven’t let the kids off – I sent them the work I had planned. I expect the good ones to do it. It will help them with their work for next week.
It means I have another full day mooching around so at the moment I’m in 22 Grams as I had to come and collect Amy’s vaccine passport. I will apply for one too next week, now that I know where to go and what to do.
Hayden called me yesterday and seemed pretty upbeat. He’s getting involved in some disability care training, which could be really good for him. Doing good things for other people will definitely improve your own self-worth and esteem.
Amy’s student, Nong Na, will come on Saturday and I will teach/talk with her for half an hour or so. I’ve been thinking about what to do and as I’m writing this, the idea has come forth for her to interview me. Sometimes the act of writing provides the inspiration.
I’m waiting for Central to open in 15 minutes (11 am) to go and double-check the price of the MacBook Air. I’d like to buy it before Amy goes away. My laptop is starting to get very slow and finicky, especially the trackpad. As I mentioned before – it still works though. 12 years use for a laptop is pretty good going!
I already prepared all of next week’s work for classes yesterday, so I can start on 2/9’s future classes with the subjects they’ve chosen. I could probably finish that all this afternoon and, who knows, maybe even tomorrow, students will still be ‘sick’. Then next week I can just sit in cafes and read, write, caffeinate.
Here I am again in another job where there’s hardly any work to do. I’ll motivate myself to improve the quality of my work. Put effort into the common good.
(Later) I made a good decision to go and get a massage. I feel great! Now, I’m back at House for afternoon coffee and I’ll go back to school around 3 pm, as I did yesterday, and eat lunch!
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to the two guys who make the You Don’t Know Mojack podcast as they have introduced me to good music that I would maybe never hear otherwise.
I don’t know how many months now that it has been that I have been trying to play Scarborough Fair 100% accurately on guitar. It made me mad and then I got all ‘whatever’, thinking that one day it will come. I’m still waiting for that day. The chord change from Dm to F was/is the main stumbling block and when I do manage it I end up not quite nailing something else. Never give up. I do fucking hate this song now though.
I’m out in my room and can hear Amy screaming inside. I don’t mean screaming scared but just drunkenly emoting loudly on the phone. She does get excited after a couple of wines.
Good classes today. Some testing students but not too bad. I’m pretty calm most of the time now.
See yesterday’s poem
4th Jun 2024 – Submitted to Ragtag Daily Prompt
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to Amy’s parents for understanding her and not making any crazy demands of her.
A reasonable Monday with a couple of classes. Felt good, students playful but did their work. Did they learn anything? I’m not so sure! Keep plugging away.
I’ve had lots of thoughts go through my head that I though might be interesting to write down but I failed to capture them at the time and now they’ve left the long winding river, somewhere out of reach. If they’re important enough, I’m sure they will float back sometime.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for Google Translate. It can help make the parents aware of their children’s work and to push them to complete it.
On Friday afternoon, I started to enjoy a grim feeling. Lethargic, sour thoughts, dizziness. I got home and vegitated with some Netflix but I couldn’t enjoy it.
I woke up feeling good on Saturday but soon this sad feeling appeared again. I was very aware of it. Anything I watched or read compounded it; nothing was contributing anything good to the world.
I slept a little and in the evening read a load of comics and a little bit of Rollins ‘Stay Fanatic’. I thought that perhaps I should understand clearly what Rollins was saying about the power of music and he hides himself in the melodies and nuance of those sounds. Perhaps I should’ve tried the same.
Today, I’m feeling ok again and intend to indulge myself in some music – just listening, nothing else. Something familiar.
I’ve recently been adverse to going to my man cave. Something about it displeases me and I can’t quite figure out what. Could be time for a rearrangement. I want a comfy armchair to relax on. I rarely see comfy armchairs in Thailand.
1994ever 